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Tenshiko hadn’t always been sick, going by the pictures that were hung through the house or stood on mantles and shelves and the old piano in the foyer.
In those, she was never sick. In some of them, she was running and playing with a wild grin, in others, she sat in perfect poses with matching smiles for family portraits. A few had her covered head to toe in watercolors and glitter, some mud and grime. In all of them, she was healthy.
Tenshiko hadn’t always been sick, but she had been ever since Tadaomi could remember. Some days were better than others, of course, he could remember her still going to school in the beginning, her pulling him around the yard and even playing catch.
Sure, she didn’t have the hair that Mommy and Daddy mourned, but she said that his was enough for both of them. That is, as long as he kept letting her put in clips and bows to her liking (he always pouted, but secretly didn’t mind).
It wasn’t the beginning anymore though.
“Mommy, why can’t I play with Tenshiko?” Tadaomi whined, clutching the stuffed animals in his arms. “They’re soft! See!”
“I know, but she just got back from the doctor and isn’t feeling well.” She shook her head and pointed towards his room. “Go play in there, okay? Quietly.”
“Yes, Mommy.” He would nod and pretend to sulk off into his room to play, leaving the door cracked just a bit.
In a few minutes time she would leave her post and go downstairs to help Daddy with dinner, believing her daughter to be asleep and son playing with his toys. And then he would creep, creep, creep, all the way to her room without making a sound.
“Psst… Tenshiko…” He whispered, poking his head in the door. “Wanna play?”
“That depends.” She smiled from her sea of pillows. “What do you want to play?”
“I brought bunny and kitty to play with, but you can pick the story.” He slid in, only raising his voice a little bit when he got closer.
“Hmm… how about… jungle explorers?” Tenshiko decided, picking up one of the teddy bears next to her. “Captain Grizzly reporting for duty!”
And then they’d play until Tadaomi heard footsteps come for the stairs: his que to run back to his room and Tenshiko to pretend she’d just enjoyed a nap.
Other days, it really was too much.
“You remember the bus stop to Grandma and Grandpa’s, right?”
“Y-yes, but I w-” He whimpered, trying to dig his heels into the ground.
Daddy kept pushing him down the hall, not even bothering to dress him in his coat and scarf in his panic. “We have to hurry, Tada. We told you she was too tired to play today! Why didn’t you listen?!”
He stumbled outside, not even given a chance to answer, and Daddy rushed back inside.
Why couldn’t he go with them? Stay with Tenshiko?
He supposed he could probably sneak back in, where it was warm, but that would worry Mommy and Daddy when they called Grandma and Grandpa. He didn’t want to worry them more than he already had.
And so, he went to the train station, just like he was going to school.
People had stared at him as he made his way along the platform. What was the big deal? All the kids at school got there by train- he wasn’t some baby wandering around lost.
At least the train cart he got in was empty, he could curl up onto the seat by the heater without anyone scolding him for putting his shoes on the chair.
With each stop, his fingers and toes grew warmer. Five left.
Four.
Three.
Two.
“Now reaching Rengoku Station. Please make sure you have all your belongings before exiting the train. Thank you.” And this was his stop.
The second he stepped off the train, he was met by someone calling his name. “Tadaomi! Tadaomi!”
“Aunt Tsuko?” He turned to face her, watching her run towards him with each breath coming out as dragon’s breath.
“Oh, baby, you don’t even have a coat!” She fretted once she reached him, feeling his temperature by pressing her palms to his face. “Did your mommy and daddy really send you out without any warm clothes?”
“Tenshiko got really sick because I made her play with me.” He sniffed. “Daddy said they had to hurry, so there wasn’t enough time to get a coat.”
“Baby, that wasn’t your fault, not one bit.” Aunt Tsuko shook her head, a frown etching its way onto her features. “And even if they were in a hurry, they shouldn’t have sent you outside without a coat.”
He shrugged it off, instead peering around the station. “Where are Grandma and Grandpa? I thought I was supposed to go to their house.”
Aunt Tsuko pursed her lips and looked away. “They called me and I volunteered to come get you. I thought we could use some aunt and nephew bonding time over some hot chocolate!”
“...They wanted to go see Tenshiko, didn’t they?” He didn’t blame them. He wanted to see her too.
“Yes, they did,” She sighed before kneeling and poking him in the nose with a smile. “But! We are going to get hot chocolate!”
Tenshiko didn’t like hot chocolate anymore since it made her sick, and Mommy and Daddy had stopped buying it. He supposed hot chocolate and not getting to see Tenshiko was better than no hot chocolate and still not getting to see Tenshiko.
“With marshmallows?” He smiled, taking her hand and feeling the heat.
She gave his hand a squeeze. “Of course! Anything for my little nephew!”
“Mom! Dad! Look!” He ran up to Tenshiko’s room, knowing that was where they would be.
They were always there, watching her sleep, when he got home.
Day after day after day.
He shoved the crumpled papers up to them, not quite tall enough for it to reach their faces. “I got hundreds on all my practice exams!”
“That’s nice sweetie.” They weren’t listening. Weren’t even looking down.
Again.
Maybe he needed to try something different.
“Mom, Dad, my stomach hurts.” Tenshiko always got attention when she was sick! A little lie wouldn’t hurt!
“Good job, champ.”
Maybe it was a good thing they didn’t listen, then they’d be worried and they were already worried about his sister.
He needed to be strong, strong for Tenshiko.
He needed to be. But, that didn’t mean he wanted to be.
Especially for them.
Mom, Dad… I hate you .” He said it under his breath, and he didn’t think he meant it.
At least all the time.
Sometimes… sometimes he did.
Sometimes he even hated T- no.
No. He could never hate her. He loved her.
“Okay, Tada.”
But them, he could hate them (even if he didn’t want to).
“Mommy, Daddy, can I read to Tadaomi when he gets home?” He heard his sister’s voice as he walked down the hall, a rare sound nowadays.
He missed her voice.
“Baby, you know how heavy your books are,” Mom cooed. “What if you drop it and hurt yourself?”
He poked his head around the door, seeing a frown form on Tenshiko’s face. “I miss him though….”
Mom and Dad looked between each other, wary and drained.
Why did they look like that? She was doing better than she had in weeks!
“Alright, but you’ll tell us if you get too tired, alright?” They relented, earning a smile from their daughter.
“Yes, Mommy.”
Tadaomi didn’t even wait for them to get the chance to change their minds before running in and clambering up into the bed. “I’m home!”
At a distance, of course. Mom and Dad said he’d hurt her if he got too close. “Tenshiko, can you read Urashima Taro? With the turtles?”
“Now, now, Tada,” Dad chided. “Let your sis-”
“I like Urashima Taro.” Tenshiko interrupted. “Daddy, can you please get it for me?”
“Of course, baby.”
Tadaomi listened to his sister read, enjoying the voices she gave to each of the characters.
Especially the turtle.
He loved the turtle.
Mom and Dad were listening too, but they didn’t look so happy.
And then, as the story went on, her hands started to shake, her voice softening and softening until he could no longer make out the words.
“Baby, I think it’s time for you to take a nap.” Mom murmured, grabbing the book just as it started to slip through her hands.
“But, Mommy, the story…” She wheezed, not having enough energy to reach up and take it back.
His dad started to take the book from his mom. “We know, but you’re ti-”
“Wait! I can read the rest to her!” He didn’t want Tenshiko to be sad! “I’m a big boy- I know Kanji!”
Dad just sighed, “Tada, I really think Tenshiko needs her rest.”
“I can listen while I go to sleep,” Tenshiko breathed, settling herself into the mountain of pillows and plushies. “There’s just a few pages left.”
And so, he read until she drifted off to sleep, remembering to do the voices and all.
Not as good as she did, but he tried.
He thought she liked it, at least, if the smile in her sleep was enough to go by.
“Grandma? Grandpa?” He blinked at the two waiting outside his school. “I didn’t know teacher conferences were today. Do you need me to walk you to Tanaka-Sensei’s room?”
“We’re actually here to pick you up today.” His grandma’s voice sounded rougher than normal. “You’re going to stay with us for a few days.”
“Is Tenshiko not feeling well again?” He frowned, adjusting the backpack hanging from his shoulders so the straps didn’t dig too much. “I made her a card in art today and wanted to give it to her.”
“Yes, she’s in the hospital again.” His grandpa sighed, the smile he gave him not reaching his eyes. “You can give it to her in a few days though, alright?”
“Yeah! And I’ll make extra sure not to bend it!” He cheered, bouncing over to where he saw their car.
She was going to like it so much! He’s put butterflies, and flowers, and bunnies, and more butterflies, and everything!
Everyone around him was dressed in black, staring at him pitifully as he walked around, one hand gripped by his aunt’s and the other Tenshiko’s card.
Grandma and Grandpa had insisted he wear black as well, saying they were going to go see Tenshiko. That didn’t make much sense to him- Tenshiko’s favorite color was blue, like hydrangeas! And so, he put on a blue shirt, though he agreed to put on his black pants and the new shiny black shoes they’d bought him.
He’d do it if it meant he would get to see Tenshiko.
He didn’t get to see her much these days.
But, if they were going to see Tenshiko, why did everyone look so sad?
Aunt Tsuko and Dad were arguing in hushed voices above him, but he didn’t understand why.
Where was Tenshiko?
“Masao, I don’t think this is a good idea.” Aunt Tsuko grimaced, squeezing his hand a bit too tight. “He’s only eight.”
“She needs to see him. He’s a big boy- he can handle it” Dad snapped before kneeling down in front of him and stroking his cheek. “Now, Tada, don’t you want to see Tenshiko?”
He perked up at that. “See Tenshiko?”
“Masao, at least exp-!” His Aunt lost her grip as he clasped his hands together in excitement.
“Yes, we’re going to go see your sister.” He followed the direction of his finger. “She’s over there with Mommy.”
His mom was sitting by a large wooden box, looking down into it.
That must be where Tenshiko was hiding!
He let out a happy squeal, running over and up the steps to peer in. “Tenshiko!”
She laid there, donning a white kimono with white threads embroidering flowers and butterflies along the Eri. Flowers surrounded where her hair used to be, almost overflowing out over the edges, her hands folded over a singular white Chrysanthemum.
Why was she so still?
“Tenshiko?” He frowned, feeling his mom’s hand settled between his shoulder blades.
“Here, Tada, hold her hand.” She murmured, reaching around and placing his over her’s, folding his fingers into her palm.
They were cold.
She was gone.
And he hadn’t gotten to say goodbye.
The card fell from his hand, fluttering down to be lost in the pile of flowers.
He let out a shaky breath, tears welling up in his eyes…
And screamed.
He’d tried to be perfect at first, and he was pretty good at it for a while.
Good grades.
Stellar behavior.
Nicely combing back his hair and ironing his uniforms so that not a wrinkle could be seen.
Making his own bentos that his teachers praised his mother for (and never correcting them).
But, like he said, he was pretty good at it for a while .
It wasn’t until a month into his first year of middle school that he got into his first fight.
It was funny, really- and not wholly undeserved.
In his opinion, at least.
He’d spent almost his life being told ‘gentle, Tada,’ ‘you’ll hurt her’ for the lightest touch, for even looking at her as if the mere weight of his gaze would crush her.
Well, he was still told that. Just in reference to him and her, Mother and Father, instead of her .
Unless, of course, they were referring to when he walked past her shrine (when did he stop bowing to it?).
He was tired of it.
Tired of being gentle.
Tired of everything being so quiet, so dull, so boring.
So when he saw the older boy push Kaneki-chan, the sweet girl that always burnt her cookies in home-ec, into the wall, he didn’t think.
He just swung.
And for the first time in (months? Years? How long had it been?) a long time, he felt alive.
He didn’t care that his knuckles burned, that his own face was swelling with bruises, that blood from both parties were staining his uniform.
No, he just cared about the new-found adrenaline pumping through his veins even as his battered body laid on concrete ground.
It felt good .
He was tired of being gentle.
This… this was much better.
When he got home, everything was almost the same.
His mother was at the shrine, head bowed as she imagined she was coming home from the elementary school she never graduated from. She’d spare him a brief glance as he walked by, more in annoyance at his footsteps than anything, and go back to praying.
But this time, her eyes had actually widened just a fraction before returning to the urn.
A giddy feeling swept through his chest at the acknowledgement.
Sure, she hadn’t said anything (‘Tada, are you alright?’ That was too much to expect), but it was something.
His father was the same way at dinner, looking up from his plate and staring at him.
No words.
But for once, they could see him.
And so, he got into fight after fight after fight.
One warning. Two warnings. Three and a call home.
They’d looked at him, longer this time, but still stayed silent.
Another fight. More bruises, more cuts.
More stares.
The older kids asked him to pick his poison, having a small box and a bottle in front of him.
The smell stuck to his skin, mouths opening and closing when he walked in.
But still, no words.
More fights, caught smoking, suspension, suspension, one more time…
(“I’m sorry, but we’ve given him too many chances. He needs to find another school)
…And expulsion.
He’d almost expected them to stay silent as usual, to just stare a bit longer, their mouths to move with no words.
He didn’t expect everything to explode (why had it gotten this far?)
He couldn’t remember what had been yelled before, something probably about how getting expelled was bad for his future or whatever like he didn’t know that (or that he cared).
But why did it have to (always) go to her?
“You’re not the person Tenshiko knew you as!” His mother screamed, the words dumping a bucket of hot rage over him.
“What did you expect me to do?!” He knew he was going too far with his next words. “Stay ten forever?!”
She stumbled back, hand over her chest. “Tada! What would your sis-?!”
“It doesn’t matter what she would think!” He howled (Wailed? Cried? Were those tears clouding his vision?) “She’s dead! Dead people can’t think! Why can’t you see me when I’m the one right here?!”
Even through his blurred vision, he could see her face turn red the further he went past the line.
“I see you right now- I see the bruises from another one of your fights you get into because God knows why! I can smell those damned cigarettes on your breath!” Her voice came out as a hiss, “Now tell me why are you doing this!”
Why did he do this?
Did she seriously not know?!
“Because you only see me when I’m like this!” His fingernails dug into his scalp, clawing and pulling at his hair until he drew blood. “You only see her the rest of the time!”
“Well maybe if you were a better son I wouldn’t wish it was your sister here instead!”
The only sound was that of her hand clapping over her mouth and his ragged breaths.
He broke it by a choked sob, bloodied fingers moving from his head to wrap around his body.
His mother stepped forward, a shaking hand reaching towards him. “No, no, baby, I’m sorry. Mommy’s sor-!”
“You’re just sorry you said it out loud!” He flinched from the touch and ran up to his room.
She made no move to follow him.
Later, neither came to get him for dinner.
“You’re leaving me? Again?” His legs curled up to his chest from under the blanket, his face pointedly turned away from where the weight settled at the edge of his bed.
“We just need a break.” His mother swallowed, voice strained as she tried to explain.
He already knew that. “From me.”
“...Yes.” His father answered for both of them.
Did they even deserve those titles?
They’d always wanted a break for him, and had never taken a break from her.
Maybe the titles had died with her (if they hadn’t before).
“Maybe you’ll get lucky and I’ll get killed in a fight while you’re gone.”
“Tada! Don’t tal-!” Mo- no, Hana gasped, not able to finish her sentence before he interrupted her.
“Why? Sometimes I hope I do.”
Why? Because maybe they’d love him like they did her if he was gone.
Because then he wouldn’t be stuck always chasing the adrenaline to feel alive.
Because then he wouldn’t have to feel the guilt of hating her.
And maybe they’d feel guilty for making him feel this way.
“...You’ll be staying with your aunt. You always did seem happier with her.” Masao sighed, both of them deciding to ignore it.
Just like they always did.
“I wonder why…” The dam started to break, and he didn’t know whether to be happy or not when they left and closed the door behind him.
When he finally got caught, he was expecting to get beat up or have the cops show up in a few minutes time- not be walked home like some child! He was fourteen, not a snot-nosed brat!
He stood in front of the door, stubbornly staring down at the concrete porch with his hands shoved down into his pockets. “There. Happy?”
The man on his right (what was his name?) shook his head. “Not quite, Tiger. Ring the doorbell.”
He pushed his hands down even further. “Why?”
“We just want to talk to the adults you live with.” The man to his left shrugged. He was pretty sure he’d been called Mori. Or was that the dude to his right? Whatever. He was Mori now.
“Again, why ?”
“To make sure you don’t get in any more trouble.” The man behind him, the biggest of the trio, sighed, and pushed him forward. “Now, go on. Press the button.”
Growling, he elbowed the doorbell and listened to it ring through the apartment.
Almost immediately they were met by frantic footsteps, a pause at the door, a series of swears and clicks of latches and locks, and finally the door swinging open to reveal his disheveled aunt.
“Tadaomi! I was worried sick! What did you do this time?!” Aunt Tsuko shrieked, not even giving him time to answer before pulling him away from the men and forcing him down into a full 90 degree bow with her. “We’re so sorry! I assure you, I’ve been trying to-!”
“Oh, you misunderstand- we’re actually impressed!” A laugh came from in front of him. “Ten years in army combat each- we aren’t exactly easy to outrun when we have the adrenaline!”
“E-eh?” She shot up, hand still holding his head down in the bow. “Impressed?!”
“What I’m trying to say is that the kid is real athletic! Would have gotten away if he hadn’t turned into that dead-end alley! Does he do any sports in school?” Head-honcho man questioned.
His aunt shook her head, finally releasing her hold. “With all the suspensions, he hasn’t been allowed to join any clubs.”
“Gee, thanks for telling everyone that,” he mumbled, earning a smack to the back of the head. “Ow!”
They were unfazed, continuing on the apparent topic of his after-school activities. Creeps. “That’s a shame, I bet he’d be team captain if he was in one!”
“Frankly, I"m more worried about him being able to get into a high school.” She worried her lip, a sharp canine drawing blood. “His parents and I are near the ends of our ropes and I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
A wave of guilt washed over him, pooling in his gut and weighing down his limbs. Why was she blaming herself for what he did? The feeling grew even worse as the group’s stares settled on him. At least they were judging him and not Aunt Tsuko. She didn’t deserve that.
Not-Mori cleared his throat and nudged Head Honcho “If we’re not overstepping, we may be able to help.”
“Our buddy went through a similar thing with his daughter after he got deployed to Djibouti.” Head Honcho grimaced. “Poor kid didn’t take it well and acted out quite a bit before she found another outlet. Rough times.”
“Well, you’re not taking my nephew to Djibouti of all places.” His aunt laughed, her arms folding showing she was being at least a little serious. “He’s fourteen.”
“No, no, of course not. He enrolled her into martial arts, not the military. Can’t enlist him yet!” Mori laughed. “Just saying, there’s a small gym up in Kasukabe with a small boxing club we teach at. Helps blow off the steam. We’d be happy to put him in the classes.”
Boxing?
“Boxing?” She breathed in with a hiss, “Won’t that just encourage him to get into fights?”
Kind of counterintuitive If you asked him.
“The idea is that then he’ll box in the gym, where it’s legal, instead of fighting on the streets.”
He supposed that made sense, though he couldn’t see how they could keep him from using what he learned outside the gym.
Knowing that, Aunt Tsuko was still hesitant, looking between him and the group. “I mean… it does sound safer… Tadaomi? What do you think?”
Putting it up to him? He could say ‘no,’ but…
…He looked at his aunt, her eyes full of the most hope directed at him for the first time in months.
He could try, just once more.
For her.
“...Whatever, I’ll give it a shot.”