Chapter Text
“You…can’t do drive forms anymore?”
They were standing on the steps of Yen Sid’s tower, watching the endless stars streak across the sky. Riku was still inside; now that he was a Master, Yen Sid and Mickey wanted to talk to Riku about something they weren’t privy to, so they had to wait outside.
It’s fine – Riku would probably tell them later if they pressed enough.
Sora nods glumly, a guilty frown on his face. “I’m sorry, Kairi.” He moans in sorrow. “I didn’t – I didn’t pass the exam and I lost everything. All my powers. Everything I knew.”
He looked so sad, eyes shining with remorse. “I really wanted to teach you the drive forms! I feel awful.”
“Ah…”
Lacing her hands behind her back, Kairi puts on a little smile. “It’s okay!” She says brightly. “Don’t worry about it – I’ll try to figure it out and do it on my own.”
She…didn’t really mean to say that. Why did she say that? She wasn't even entirely sure she wanted to. But the words are out, now, and Sora was blinking rapidly at her, stunned. “You…you will?”
“Mm.” She nods quickly. “I…Riku brought me here to train, right? So – maybe Master Yen Sid can teach me how?”
“Mmm…” Sora brings a hand to his chin. “It’s possible…”
Well – she’s in it, now. “Right! So, I’ll try and figure it out. And hey –”
Kairi grins, nudging his side. “Maybe now I can teach you a thing or two instead of the other way around. Oh -! Speaking of teaching – since you – since you lost your powers…does that mean you have to train with me and Ax – ah. Lea?”
She tries not to let too much hope creep into her voice, but – she can’t help it. Both boys promised her that Axel – that Lea had changed, was different from the person who kidnapped her, but...she still isn’t comfortable being alone with him. Not yet.
Kairi can still feel Axel’s hand around her wrist, tight enough to make the bones grind together as he drags her towards a dark portal. It takes effort to not touch her arm, to rub at skin that has long since healed.
No. Not yet.
So she tries not to let her disappointment show too much when Sora shakes his head. “Sorry, no…Yen Sid says I’ve got to go travel and get my strength back that way. But hey!”
He grins widely, scratching his nose – Kairi knows it’s just him putting on a brave face. “I shouldn’t be gone too long. I’ll be back before you have time to miss me!”
“Do you have to go now?”
“Not right away! In a little bit, though.”
“Oh…” This feels so unfair – she only just got there, and now Sora has to go away again. She sighs quietly, scuffing the toe of her shoe against the ground. “It feels like – we never really get enough time to hang out together. I don’t like it.”
Kairi didn’t mean to admit that; she didn’t want to complain – she knew that something serious was happening, serious enough that it brought her here. Something that was much, much bigger than them. But she had thought – she had thought that once Riku and Sora finally came home, that was it. Everything would be fine, everything would go back to normal again. As normal as things can be, anyway.
But it’s never that simple, is it?
“I know.” Sora looks a little melancholy about it, too. He moved closer, grabbing her hand. “But it won’t be for long, I promise. After this – we’ll be together again. We'll go back home.”
So sure, so confident. So why was it so hard believe him?
Kairi lets out a little sigh and turns towards him, resting her forehead on his shoulder. “It won’t be long.” She murmurs. Reminding herself. She sighs again, resigned. “Okay. Well…stay long enough to say goodbye to Riku, too, before you go.”
Sora’s free hand wraps around her waist. Slides down to press over the curve of her hip as he turns his head to nuzzle at her temple. “Mm. I will.”
It wasn’t fair, it would never be fair, these short bursts of time together – but it was all they had. It would have to be enough.
It has to be, Kairi tells herself as Sora becomes nothing but a speck, another star among many, while Riku prepares to go into the Realm of Darkness – leaving her here. Alone, in this star-soaked tower. Left behind, once again.
It has to be enough.
-o-
“Hey Ax – ah. Um. Lea?”
“Yeah?”
Hoping that he didn’t catch her near slip up, Kairi shuffles in place at her seat, staring out at the endless scenery, the treetops swaying back and forth with the soft wind.
It’s been – well. Honestly, Kairi doesn’t know exactly how long it’s been. This place – it’s beautiful, so beautiful. But a little confusing. It’s easy to lose track of the days here.
Sitting on a nearby rock, Lea is looking at her, expectant. Either he didn’t notice, or he’s pretending not to. She’s fine with it either way. Kairi shifts again. “I guess…” She starts slowly. “I wanted to ask if – you’ve…you were…you have experience, right? In fighting?”
“Hmm.”
Lea crosses one leg over his knee, resting his chin in his hand. “…S’pose I do.” He answers eventually. “Nothing like what we’re being, ah, trained for, but I guess it still counts for something.”
There was a bite to his tone, as he says the word trained – and Kairi can’t really blame him. It’s why she wanted to ask him her questions in the first place.
This place is beautiful. Endless.
And pointless.
Kairi didn’t come to this conclusion right away; when she first started training, she was…cautious, due to Lea’s presence. But hopeful all the same. Full of purpose, because finally, finally, she would be able to catch up and protect her boys the way she’s wanted to.
But the days pass. And they pass, and pass. Not once has she seen Yen Sid; after they talked about training, they were handed off to Merlin and taken here. To this space. And in this endless place, they practice forms and shoot magic at furniture – furniture – and not once, not once has Kairi seen a hint of what they would be fighting against. No heartless, nobodies – nothing. And she feels like –
Kairi has tried to stay optimistic. Even in the little letters she writes to Sora but never sends, she tries to stay upbeat. But slowly, slowly, bitterness has formed a hard knot in her chest. It made her feel selfish, like a spoiled child – but it was something she can’t ignore, growing more and more and howling for her attention. It isn’t fair! A part of her cries. Why can’t I help? Why can’t I learn? Sora gets to travel to find his strength – what about me? Why do I have to stay here? What can I do?
“Why do you ask?”
Lea’s voice pulls Kairi out of her head, and she sighs, nervously biting at her thumbnail.
Why did she ask?
For a lot of reasons, really.
Kairi thinks over her words carefully. Rolls them back and forth over her tongue.
“I don’t want to assume…” She starts slowly. “But…I’ve been wondering. Since we’ve been here, have you thought – this training we have to do. Is it -?”
“A bunch of shit? A bit of a joke? Yeah. It is.”
Lea sighs loudly, looking out at the horizon. With the space he has given her, Kairi can peek at him from the corner of her eye, looking but not looking. It’s sunset now, and the light makes his hair glow, like he’s been lit aflame from within. The contrast between that and his black Organization jacket is – striking.
Appearance aside, he is…different. Not what she was expecting. The boys were right, in that regard, and it’s allowed her to relax around him – somewhat. She isn't fully ready to trust him…but maybe one day she will be.
“I don’t really get it.” He murmurs. “What we’re doing here. What I heard, when we had to save Sora – sounds like things are getting pretty serious. I just feel like I’m…wasting time. Which is funny to say, in a place like this.”
He looks down at his hand, clenched into a fist. Opens and closes it, over and over. “How am I supposed to figure out this power if we don’t get to properly train with it?”
Hearing his admission feels like a weight off of Kairi’s shoulders, and her breath leaves her in a rush.
“I’ve felt that way, too.” It’s easy to admit, now that she knows she won’t be looked at with judgement or seen as ungrateful. “I’ve thought –”
She cuts herself off. Brings a hand to her lips. She can feel Lea’s eyes on the side of her face.
“Is it bad?” Her voice slips through the cracks between her fingers. “That I feel jealous of Sora and Riku?”
Kairi wishes she had time to gather her thoughts, to put them down on paper to get them in order. “Those two, they – they got to learn by doing. By traveling across the worlds. Even now, Sora is out traveling to get his strength back, while I - being here, I…I feel like I’m not going anywhere. I – it feels selfish of me, to feel like this. Is that horrible to say?”
Lea didn’t say anything, and Kairi kept her eyes glued on the setting sun. “I wish…”
I can’t help?
You’d kind of just be in my way.
“I wish…I just…want to help. I just want a chance.”
Her promise to teach Sora drive forms feels like a joke, at this point; how can she teach him when she feels like she hasn’t learned anything at all?
Kairi finally finds the courage to peek over at Lea and finds him staring at her, silent. It looked like – he was thinking. He wasn’t judging her words too harshly, she thinks. She hopes.
“…You know,” he finally says, “I was pretty young, when I became a Nobody.”
That was news to Kairi. “You were?”
“Mm. Around your age, I think.”
He taps his fingers against his knee, eyes distant. “Being taken into the Organization…the missions we’d have to go on…dangerous stuff, that. Seen plenty not make it, in that time – or just get turned into Dusks when the Supreme wasn’t happy.”
Lea frowns, lost in remembering. Kairi feels that there is a point to him bringing this up and waits.
“What we’re doing here…it’s not what I expected. Maybe there is more to learn, out there. But I guess it came to this to keep you safe.”
A wry smile twists Kairi’s lips. “I’ve been stuck at ‘safe’ for too long.”
“I get it.” Lea swings his bent leg off his knee, slapping his hands on his knees as though that would send the somber mood flying. “Alright, then. How ‘bout this –”
He points at her. “We’re not gonna get out of here and see the worlds like your wonder boys – so why not help each other out?”
One of her eyebrows quirk up. “Help how?”
“Easy – at the end of the day, after training, we spar.” Lea crosses his arms, cocking his head. “I’ve got combat experience – it may be nothing like whatever Keyblade wielders do, but it’s still something. So whenever we get thrown out into the mess waiting for us, you won’t be going in blind.”
Kairi’s eyes widen and her hands fall into her lap, limp. “Oh! I –”
She hesitates, biting her lip as she thinks about it. It’s a good idea – a great idea. If this was the only way she’d be able to get some kind of experience, then she’s all for it. It’s just that – would she…
I can’t help?
You’d -
“What, are you feeling chicken about it?”
Lea’s voice yanks Kairi out of a spiral, and she bristles, insulted. “I’m not!!” She protests, flustered. “I only – I’m just worried I won’t be – good.”
He rolls his eyes, unsympathetic. “Everyone’s shit when they’re just starting something. You wanna be good? Then you better be ready to work for it.”
Blunt, to the point – a needed reality check. Kairi shakes her head and fights back a smile. He’s right, isn’t he? What is she being so scared for? This is what she wanted – to learn by doing, instead of repeating stances and practicing magic with things that can’t push back. It’s not traveling the worlds and fighting heartless – but it’s something.
It’s a step forward.
Determined, Kairi curls her hands into fists, and gives Lea one sharp nod. “You’re right, I – you’re right. Let’s do our best.”
It’s a start, Kairi thinks, as she stares out into the horizon. It’s good. They must do their best, here – they’re on borrowed time, in this place. Whatever is brewing out there won’t wait for them to be fully trained. They have to do as much as they can, as best as they can –
Surely, surely…it would be enough.
-o-
But it wasn’t.
It wasn’t.
-o-
I have to go.
It was too good to be true – it always is with the three of them, isn’t it? Short bursts of time together before they’re inevitably torn apart.
It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair, it isn’t – but Kairi tries. Gives Sora her best smile, despite the tears beginning to track down her face. Lets that be the last thing he sees. And then –
He’s gone. Between one blink and the next. And the shock of it stuns the surroundings silent.
Kairi can’t hold herself up anymore. She droops, curls into herself, slides off the branch of their tree – she doesn’t care how she falls, where she lands - she doesn’t care if it hurts –
What’s one more hurt, on top of everything else?
Riku is there before she even hits the ground.
His heartbeat is fast against Kairi’s cheek as he kneels to the ground, holding her close. He’s trying to stay calm – he’s trying – but his breath catches on every other exhale, and his hands are so, so tight, where they grip her waist.
“Kairi,” Riku says, his voice shaking, “Kairi – Kairi, what happened?”
She can’t speak – her vision is blurry, and all she can hear is Riku’s heart, pounding, pounding against her ear. Eventually, another sound reaches her, over the panicked rambling of his heart. A thin, high sound, growing louder and louder – a mournful, keening wail.
It takes Kairi a few seconds to realize the sound was coming from her.
She doesn’t remember anything else, after that.
-o-
Consciousness returns to Kairi in slow drips.
The first thing she notices is that she’s warm. That she’s lying on something soft. The familiar scent of detergent rises to meet her and that tells Kairi she’s – at home? She’s home, and she’s curled up in her bed, and –
And behind her there’s a rustle of movement. A soft, quiet sigh.
That’s what Kairi registers next – the warm line of heat from a body tucked against hers, arms wrapped around her waist. Familiar arms. Working to pry her eyes open, Kairi’s muddled brain tries to recall how she got here. Slivers of violet peek out, and Kairi can muzzily see that the room – her room – was dark. It must have been late. But how did she get here? She remembers being on the play islands, and….and –
I have to go.
Her eyes snap open.
Everything comes back to her then, in striking, painful detail. The battle. Sora coming to find her. The way he – he just –
Kairi’s breath hitches in her chest. At her back, the warmth moves.
“…Kairi?”
Riku’s voice brushes over the shell of her ear. Soft, cautious. “Are you – are you up?”
Kairi’s lips part silently, but – her voice sticks in her throat. She can’t speak. Doesn’t even know what to say. Eventually, Riku sighs quietly, settling back down. His mouth presses against the curve of her shoulder. She tries not to tense up – how can he touch her, right now? How can he even speak to her? He should be upset with her. He shouldn't even want to speak to her, to look at her - how could he hold her like this? Especially since this – it was all –
“I –”
He breathes in shakily. “You’re probably still sleeping. Kairi…I don’t – I don’t know what happened. He was right there. And then he was just. He was gone. Do – do you know?”
Kairi stays silent, because of course she doesn’t know. How could she? She didn’t know that Sora would – she thought they were done. That they had made it, and they could go home. Not that Sora – he –
“I’m going to find him, Kairi.”
It takes everything in her not to stiffen up as ice floods her veins. Riku squeezes her waist. “I promise.” He swears. “I’ll – I’ll look everywhere. I’ll find him and bring him home.”
Kairi’s heart sinks into her stomach. She fights to keep the relaxed, even breathing of sleep. She didn’t know what she expected. She had thought – she had hoped –
Well. It doesn’t matter in the end what she hoped for. Because the answer is here, lying plainly between them in the dark. Despite how close they were pressed together, there was a gulf, sending them further and further apart.
You’d kinda just be in my way.
Kairi bites at the inside of her cheek. Bites and bites at the tender flesh until pain sparks behind her eyelids, bright and sharp.
She could feel it, her heart – how it was breaking.
The battle at the Keyblade Graveyard must have been a test, then – one she failed. Why else would Riku be doing this to her? Making plans and not involving her at all?
Riku murmurs oaths and promises to her, and Kairi can’t bear to listen to any of them, words blending into a different kind of white noise. She swallows the hurt, pushes it down, down, down, until it’s a cold stone, sitting in her belly, chilling her blood. So much has changed – or at least she thought it has. Kairi hoped things would be different. Of all the things to remain unchanged, why did it have to be this?
I can’t help?
You’d kind of just be in my way.
Laughing disbelief, excluded like her help isn’t even an option worth considering – shouldn’t this be over now? Shouldn’t she be allowed to search for him, too?
The hurt spikes in Kairi’s chest, stealing her breath. She bites at the inside of her cheek – bites and bites until the urge to cry has passed, until she can breathe again.
Eventually she falls asleep.
When she wakes, Riku is gone.
Kairi isn’t surprised – why should she be, she thinks bitterly, when the message was said loud and clear?
I’m going to find him – I’ll find him and bring him home.
I, I, I – not we, never we. No. No, Kairi was just meant to sit here and be good, was meant to just be content with being left behind to wait.
Kairi didn’t want to wait anymore – she refused to continue waiting. Not when there could be something she could do – anything. Pushing herself up onto her elbows, Kairi wracks her brain, trying to think. Biting her lip, she snatches up her gummiphone from her nightstand.
If Riku was going to go and search the worlds without her, then – fine. Fine. She can at least start searching somewhere else.
“Yes?”
“Ienzo? It’s…it’s Kairi. If it’s possible, could you – can someone – I need to come to Radiant Garden.”
-o-
When Riku returns to the Destiny Islands, empty handed, Kairi is already gone.
They don’t meet again for a year – and when they do, it goes just like always. Short bursts of time before being torn apart once more.
-o-
I’m going with you!!
Kairi…
-o-
It’s funny, Kairi thinks, as she stands in the training yard and stares up at the endless blue skies of the Land of Departure. It’s funny, because – despite Sora bringing it up all those months ago, she hasn’t thought of drive forms since – not once. It came to mind occasionally, before. She even requested the good fairies to weave that magic into her clothing when they were preparing for the war – or, well, she passed on her request, since they didn’t get to leave much during their training. She wonders if they actually did it.
Does it even matter? It’s not like she has any time to try. Or anyone she wants to try it with. Looking back, it feels laughable. Does it matter anymore? Does it matter? Did it ever?
See, training at the Land of Departure – it was fine. Better, even, much, much better than in Yen Sid’s tower, than with Merlin. With Aqua, Kairi actually feels – momentum. Like these lessons will actually lead her somewhere. Every night she’s gone to bed triumphant, feeling like she has a purpose, like she’s doing something. Ventus, Terra – they’ve been kind. Accepting of her in their space, so soon after reclaiming it. Sometimes they’re out there training with her, too – those are the best days.
It was fine. She should be happy. Relieved.
So what was this weight pressing on her chest?
Heaving out a great sigh, Kairi pulls her gaze away from the sky and crouches down, hooking her arms over her knees and pressing her forehead into the skin. She curls her hands into fists and feels the way the skin throbs and stretches. Callouses not entirely formed – but getting there. She should probably ask for some gloves.
This weight, the weight, Kairi muses. She doesn’t need to ask – she knows what it is. It’s better to avoid looking at it head on. She’s gotten what she wanted in the end, hasn’t she? A chance to be useful?
I’m going with you!
Kairi…
Unconsciously, her lips curl, baring her teeth in a snarl. She wants to sink her teeth into something – instead, she heaves out another gusty sigh, and pushes herself upright. Holding out her hand, she summons her Keyblade, lets it sink into her palm. A comforting weight. She can hardly remember the times when it felt unfamiliar – now it’s like an extension of her arm. She steps back into the stance Aqua taught her – less hunched over like Sora, pigeon toes gone. A bit more upright, core settled.
And then she starts to move.
One of the best things she’s learned, since coming to the Land of Departure, was that when she gets into one of these moods, it’s always best to spend that time training. The more she moves, the more she’s out of her head – and then those feelings, that weight - they can’t catch up to her.
That’s been her method, these past weeks. Because everything is fine now. She’s gotten what she’s wanted. She’s gotten a chance. Why sit around and feel bad when she could do something? She can practice her stances, her magic, her swings –
And if it means she goes to bed a little later than normal some nights, well. That’s no one’s business but her own.
-o-
She isn’t lucky enough to escape the weight in dreams, though.
Some nights, when she dreams, it’s of the Final World.
It was as pretty as she remembered, the reflective surface stretching on and on to forever, cool against her bare feet and rippling in her wake as Kairi takes a few steps forward. The awe she felt that day doesn’t fill her, this time, and Kairi’s eyes slide closed as she lets out a soft sigh.
When she opens her eyes and looks down at her feet, she expects to see her own reflection.
Instead, Kairi sees Sora.
Her heart squeezes in her chest, so tightly that she can’t breathe, and Sora –
He just smiles. Smiles, and smiles, and smiles, hands resting loosely at his sides. Kairi can’t remember a day she’s ever seen him so still.
Shakily, she lets out a slow breath. “This is a dream.” She reminds herself, voice a faint whisper as she crouches to her knees. “It’s a dream.”
The surface ripples beneath her fingers as she touches it, but Sora’s expression doesn’t change – the same placid, small smile as he stares up at her, blue eyes calm. The heavy, unnamable feeling in Kairi’s chest rises, spills over, and she finds herself speaking before she thinks about it.
“This isn’t fair.” She whispers. “I wasn’t – if I’d known – you shouldn’t have done that. I wasn’t worth it.”
Beneath her fingers, Sora smiles on, silent. Hot tears fill her eyes, faster than Kairi expected.
“I’m sick of this.” She hisses. “I’m so sick of you two leaving me. Always leaving me behind.”
Kairi’s nails scrape across Sora’s peaceful reflection, curling into a tight fist. “I want to save you, bring you home – I promised to keep you safe, and I couldn’t even do that. I want to help. I just want to help. I want to search for you, but I keep getting left behind. Do –”
The words burst from her chest, desperate. “Do either of you ever think about that?! Do you two even care about me at all?!”
Sora says nothing. He just keeps on smiling - smiles and smiles and smiles – always smiling. It was like he couldn’t hear her at all.
A tear escapes and sends the surface below her rippling. Eventually, Sora just fades away – bit by bit, his smiling face swallowed up by the disturbance. When the ripples clear, all Kairi sees is herself – her own wretched face, blotchy and red eyed. A strangled noise wraps around Kairi’s throat and chokes her, a thin, high sound slipping through her clenched teeth.
“This is your fault.” She whispers – she hisses – at her hated reflection. “This happened because of you.”
Your fault. Your fault, your fault, your fault -
She strikes without thinking, slapping at the reflective surface over and over until her reflection vanishes – until she could see nothing at all. Until her knuckles throbbed and stung with each hit. But she didn’t stop. She couldn’t stop.
Kairi jerks awake with a sharp gasp, drenched in a cold sweat, her heartbeat all she could hear.
Clutching at her blankets, she tries to catch her breath, pushing sweat-damp hair away from her face and staring out at the window across her borrowed room. It’s a clear night. The shadows of trees sway slightly with the light wind outside. Dragging a hand down her face, Kairi lets out one ragged sigh, the panicked tempo of her heart calming down, clearing her ears so she could hear –
A…phone?
Frowning, Kairi combs a hand through her hair once more before looking around her room, blinking lingering traces of sleep from her eyes. Slowly, her eyes adjust to the darkness, and sure enough – on her vanity, the gummiphone she had been given was ringing, a bright, cheery tone that Sora set for her.
“I set Riku’s to the same thing, too.” He’d said, grinning. “And now we all match!”
Her heart aches, remembering that.
The phone isn’t going to ring forever, so Kairi forces herself to move, getting out of bed and across the room before the phone screen goes dark. It might be something important, she thinks. Or – or something serious. Someone might be in trouble, or hurt, or –
Her heart-rate is starting to pick up again. Kairi snatches up the phone, not even looking at who is calling her, and accepts the call. The silence is startling, as she presses her phone to her ear, and she fights to keep a tremor out of her voice as she answers. “Hello?”
Silence.
Confused, Kairi pulls the phone away, checking the screen. Okay – the call was accepted. So why -?
She tries again. “Hello? Is anyone there?”
This probably isn’t a prank, Kairi thinks to herself, frowning. She’s pretty sure that this isn’t a prank – who would use the gummiphone to prank call someone? Maybe it’s just –
“…Kairi?”
Her breath catches in her chest. Her phone starts to slip from her grasp, fingers numb with shock, but she gathers herself and tightens her grip before it can fall away. She licks at her dry lips once, twice – breathes in shakily.
“…Riku?”
There was a rush of static, as though he’d let out a huge breath into the speaker. “I – yeah. Yeah, it’s – it’s me.”
Her legs were shaking. Jerkily, Kairi turns and stumbles back to her bed before her knees gave out on her.
Riku continues on, oblivious. “Is it late? I didn’t wake you or anything, did I?”
“No, no, it’s – I –”
Kairi swallows, choking down a whimper. “Are – are you…back? Did you find him?”
His breath catches in her ear, and for a second she is terrified. She doesn’t want to hear the answer – she doesn’t want to hear it, because what if Riku found him? What if he was able to bring Sora home without her?
I can’t help?
You’d kind of just be in my way.
That second stretches between them, agonizing, and Kairi bites at the inside of her cheek until pain sparks across her eyes.
“I...” Riku sighs again. “I haven’t. I haven’t found him. I’m sorry.”
Her heart lifts and sinks in equal measure. She works to keep her breathing even. “It’s…it’s okay.” She says eventually. “It’s alright.”
And then Kairi realizes –
“You didn’t find him.” She repeats numbly. “So does – does that mean you’re still -?”
“Still in Quadratum? Yes.”
Startled, Kairi jerks her head back, pulling the phone away. The screen lights up, showing that the call is still connected before going dark again. Slowly, she brings the phone back to her ear. “How is this even…?”
Riku huffs out a tired laugh. “That’s a good question. I wish I knew the answer. But I’m not – I’m not mad about it.”
They fall silent, and Kairi shuffles around, lifting her blankets and curling up on her side. The quiet stretches on too long, and she opens her mouth – closes it. Rolls the words around on her tongue, unsure of what to say. The air between them feels…awkward.
Oh. Kairi’s lips tremble. She bites at them until they stop.
This – the last time things had felt so stilted between them was when they first met. Those fraught, early days when Riku treated her with a chilly sense of distrust, not talking to her unless he had to, refusing to play with her and scowling whenever Sora invited her along to their games – like she was a threat, like one day she would steal Sora away for good.
She barely remembered those days, as they got closer. They return to her in sharp clarity, now.
Say something. She thinks frantically, burrowing under the blankets. Anything. Just say something. Say something!
“Riku, what –”
“How are –”
They speak at the same time, voices overlapping each other, and the attempt stutters to a stop.
“Sorry, go ahead –”
“You go first, I –”
Alright – now this was getting ridiculous. Despite the weight on her chest, Kairi puffs out a tiny laugh.
“Kairi.” She could tell by his tone that Riku was pouting. “You’re laughing at me.”
“I’m not.” She denies, another giggle slipping out. “It’s just – this is dumb. What do you want to say?”
“You first.”
“Mm…”
Pursing her lips, Kairi stares out her window as she mulls over her words; the stars blink back at her in return, silent. She has so much she wants to ask – where should she start? What would be best?
“What is Quadratum like?”
“Ah. It –” Riku sighs, and Kairi frowns at the noise. Was that not what he wanted to hear? “It’s…big.” He decides.
“Big?”
“Yeah. It’s like –” There’s a shuffling sound, the rustle of clothing. “There’s a lot going on – a lot of really tall buildings and people and noise. And when it gets dark – there’s so many lights, it’s like the place is glowing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it. You’ll see it when you get here.”
If you want me to see it, then why didn’t you just take me with you? The question sits heavy on her tongue, petulance rising in her chest. “I’ll take your word for it, then.” She says, keeping her tone neutral.
There’s another awkward beat of silence. “And…and you?” Riku asks, hesitant. “How – how are things? How’s training?”
“It’s…”
Is it bad? Her voice echoes in her mind with the question she asked Lea so long ago. That I feel jealous?
A weight is pressing on her chest, down, down, down – Kairi can barely breathe. She licks at her numb lips. “It’s…fine.” She finally forces out. “Good. Aqua is – she’s strict. But fair. I’ve been learning a lot. Hopefully soon –”
Her breathing hitches. She hopes Riku didn’t hear it. “Hopefully soon I…I’ll be able to be there with you.”
Riku makes a soft noise in return. “…Yeah.” He says, his voice hoarse. “Hopefully. Maybe – I. I’m. Kairi –”
Whatever he was going to say is cut off by a rush of sound – a screeching noise, voices rising, overlapping each other in a panic; it washes over her, makes the speaker crackle and blocks everything out. “Riku??” Kairi asks, clutching her phone in a white-knuckled grip. “What’s happening??”
“I don’t – I think there’s –” There’s another rustle of clothing, Riku’s breath huffing in her ear as he runs – somewhere. “Kairi, I’ll – I’ll call you back, I –”
“But what if it doesn’t work??” She asks desperately. “What if this is the only time?? Riku!!”
“No, I –”
There is a scream in the distance, faint, and then –
The call disconnects.
With a shaking hand, Kairi lowers her gummiphone in disbelief. The screen quickly goes dark, and she’s – she’s alone again, the quiet broken by her rattled breaths. Pressing the phone to her chest, Kairi curls up into a tight ball and squeezes her eyes shut.
“…How am I supposed to stay here?” She whimpers to herself, turning her face into her pillow as her eyes sting with tears.
She tosses and turns in her bed, unable to relax. Over and over, she thinks of Riku and Sora, the furthest from her reach they’ve ever been. How is she supposed to just stay here and train, acting like nothing was wrong? She wishes she fought harder, wishes that she pushed back against Riku more, she wishes –
She wishes –
I’m going with you!!
Kairi…
Eventually, Kairi just gives up on going back to sleep, throwing the blankets off and rising to her feet. She doesn’t bother with getting dressed – she just slips on her boots and quietly steps out into the halls.
She decides to leave her gummiphone in her room.
The halls of the Land of Departure felt so different at night; it feels so much more open during the day, the halls practically golden with sunlight. At night, there was a stillness to the air – a heaviness, the shadows hovering in the corners making Kairi feel like she was in a different world. The air felt refreshing on her skin as she steps out into the night, and the grass bends beneath her feet as she strides quickly towards the training grounds.
Kairi’s knuckles sting as she curls her hands into tight fists – a sharp pain that she welcomes. Keeps her grounded. When she uncurls her fingers, the weight of her Keyblade fills her palm. She takes one step forward, closing her eyes and listening to the leaves rustling in the night. It makes her feel like she’s the only person in the world.
Falling back into her trained stance, Kairi breathes in. Breathes out. Finds some semblance of calm.
And then she opens her eyes and begins to train.
-o-
“It’s a bit late to be out training, isn’t it?”
The low voice behind her makes her startle, and Kairi whips around as Terra steps out of the shadows into the training grounds.
Her breath escapes her in a rush as Kairi relaxes from her stance, pressing a hand to her racing heart. “I could say the same for you.” She replies, and though she was going for teasing, an accusing tone slips out.
Terra’s broad shoulder rolls with a shrug as he raises a hand, conceding. “That’s fair.” He says easily. “I was coming back from seeing Aqua when I saw you heading outside. She –”
His face shutters, then, his jaw working as he mulls on what he wants to say. “We,” he corrects, “we have – it’s a little hard to sleep, some nights.” His eyes were so dark, shadows hovering in the corners of his eyes. They clear up some when he focuses back on her. “That doesn’t explain you, though. What are you doing up?”
“Well, I –”
That’s a good question, isn’t it? Kairi scrambles for an answer.
The night her dreams startled her awake wasn’t a minor occurrence; since then, Kairi has been forced awake every other night from dreams. They vary in intensity – some nights, it’s the day of the war, trapped within herself, asleep but not - a sharp pain raking across her back as Xehanort strikes her. Other nights, it’s her in the Final World, wandering endlessly, searching for – something. Or standing in an unrecognizable city at night, buildings towering over her and making her feel so small. Each time she wakes up breathless, in a cold sweat. And despite herself, her hand moves, automatic, grabbing her gummiphone and checking for – for a call. A message. Anything.
Each time, there was nothing.
And each time, she shakily puts on her boots and goes outside to train until she can’t keep her eyes open.
In the end, Kairi decides to just be honest. “I…have dreams too, sometimes.” She lowers her Keyblade, letting it hang at her side. “I can’t get back to sleep after them, so I just – come here until I can get back to sleep. It helps me feel better. I’d rather do that than toss and turn in bed all night.”
She usually doesn’t get tired enough to sleep until dawn – but he doesn’t need to know that.
Terra hums, crossing his arms over his chest as he takes a seat on one of the benches at the edges of the grounds. “Is that a good idea, training this late?”
Kairi’s lips twist in a scowl. “Does it matter? It’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?”
“It does matter.” He responds shortly. “You’re here to train, sure – but what good will it do for you if you wear yourself out? Training constantly, without any rest – it opens you up for weaknesses. I understand how you feel, you know – I’ve been there before.”
At Terra’s words, frustration sparks in her belly, quickly crackles and roars into fury, and Kairi bares her teeth, suddenly so angry she could spit, her racing heart all she could hear. “You don’t know anything about how I feel.” She hisses, whirling around to face him. “Don’t condescend me! I – what do you know about being left behind?! About working and working but never – never catching up?! You don’t, so don’t you dare just –”
Terra was saying nothing, arms still crossed as he stared at her. And he looked – patient. Understanding. And that made the rage dissipate as quickly as it appeared, a new feeling quickly rising to take its place.
Shame.
Kairi didn’t know she had been gripping her Keyblade so tightly; her fingers ached as she let it go. The metal clattered loudly as it hit the ground – so loud, in the heavy silence between them - before it vanished in soft bubbles of light.
She swallows, dry throat clicking as Kairi forces herself to keep eye contact. “I’m…sorry.” She apologizes, halting. “I – I shouldn’t have snapped at you. You – I’m not angry at you. You didn’t deserve that.”
Terra leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “But you are, aren’t you?” He asks.
“What?”
“Angry.”
And that seems to be enough to do it. Before she can speak, a lump rises in her throat, choking her, hot tears blurring her vision. It’s all in the open now – Kairi can’t look away from the truth of it no matter how hard she tries. Because that’s what the weight on her chest has been all along.
“Uh.” She says thickly. “I –”
Her tears felt scalding against her skin, and Kairi clumsily swipes at them with the heel of her hand. Embarrassing, it’s so embarrassing – falling to pieces thanks to a handful of words. Why is she crying? What’s the point – isn’t everything fine now?
“Kairi.”
A warm hand wraps around hers, and she blinks away tears to see Terra crouched on the ground before her, a sad smile on his face. Kairi clutches at his hand like a lifeline.
“It’s stupid, right?” She chokes out. “Nothing’s wrong anymore. I shouldn’t be upset.”
“Just because everything’s fine now doesn’t mean that whatever upset you before is just gone.” Terra’s thumb runs over her knuckles, an attempt to soothe. “Pushing it down, ignoring it, lashing out – I’ve seen it all. I’ve done it, too. And the only thing that really solves anything is facing it head on.”
Kairi’s tears come faster and faster, and she sniffles, squeezing Terra’s hand as a loud sob finally bursts from her chest. “I’m just so angry!” She wails. “It hurts – Sora and Riku, they – they’ve hurt me so badly, and it’s like they don’t even notice! I just – all this time. All this time I wanted to help them, to protect them. Even in the beginning! But I just – kept getting pushed to the side!”
“You can help now.” Terra stresses.
“I know!!” Kari finally gives into the petulant urge, stomping her foot like a child. “I know I can!! But now it just makes me feel like – like who I was before, what I could do - it wasn’t enough!! Like I only matter now - my help means something now because I have a Keyblade!! And I want to – I want to be out there! I want to find Sora, and make sure he’s safe with my own hands, but – everyone is doing so much, but I can’t do anything!! They won’t let me!! It feels like all I’m supposed to do is stay on the sideline and wait – and I don’t want to wait anymore!!”
All the feelings she’s been bottling up are pouring out of her now – everything that she covered up with a light smile. “And what if – what if they hate me?”
“Kairi!” Terra protests, squeezing her hand. “They could never –”
“But I do!!” She cuts him off. “I – how can I not? I can't stand to look at myself. It was all my fault. What happened – I wasn’t strong enough. If I was, if I fought harder, then – this wouldn’t be happening! They would be here, and I miss them – I miss them so much, and I’m so worried!! But I’m still so mad!! I try and write to them, even though they’ll never get my letters – I want to let them know it’s all fine, but it’s not!! It’s not, and I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do!”
Kairi presses her face into her forearm and sobs out everything – the hurt of being left behind, the anger, the worry, the growing, gnawing loneliness – everything, everything, she wails about it all until she feels sick. And Terra holds her hand the entire time, saying nothing, never rebuking her – just letting her get everything out, her cries echoing out into the quiet night.
When she finally goes quiet, hiccupping and sniffling, her eyes are so swollen that it’s almost hard to see, tears clumping her lashes together. She feels – Kairi feels empty. Like a well that’s run out of water, bone dry. Hollowed out. It feels like all the sleepless nights are hitting her at once, she feels so tired that it’s a miracle she’s still upright. At her feet, Terra sighs, and the exhale is somewhat shaky. “You were holding in a lot, huh?” He asks lightly, and Kairi sniffles again in response. “Ah, Kairi…”
Terra huffs as he pushes himself back to his feet, reaching his free hand out to place it on the crown of Kairi’s head. “First off, what happened during the war is not your fault – it’s Xehanort’s.” Terra takes care to stress that. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But I –”
He cuts off her protest, shaking his head. “No. He doesn’t deserve to get the blame taken from him. Let the blame lie with the one who deserves it - it was his fault. His. Not yours.”
A few more tears slip out at his words, and Kairi heaves out a wet sigh, trying to believe him.
Terra starts to speak again but pauses for a second, hesitating. “…You know, Riku would probably listen if you told him –” He starts, but she shakes her head before he even finishes, trying not to jostle his hand away.
“It’s been so long…” She says, her voice raspy from her crying fit. “What if – what if he doesn’t care? What if it doesn’t matter anymore? It shouldn’t -”
“It’s still hurting you.” Terra points out. “And if Riku loves you at all – then that will mean something, that you’ve been hurting on your own for so long. You should talk to him. He’ll want to know. Sora, too, when we find him.”
When, not if – and with Riku in Quadratum, the possibility feels closer than ever before. Terra seems so sure – Kairi finds it hard to believe him. But she could try.
Kairi sniffs again, wobbling a little, and Terra smiles, gently rubbing her head. “Come on.” He tugs her hand. “I’ll walk you back to your room – you need some sleep. I’ll tell Aqua to give you a free day tomorrow, okay?”
“…Okay. Uh – Terra?”
“Yeah?”
Kairi looks down, pressing her lips into a tight line, and gives Terra’s hand a squeeze.
“Thank you.”
-o-
You should talk to him. He’ll want to know.
It’s always so much easier said than done.
Kairi was lying on her bed when she hears the light rap of knuckles on her door. Before she can call out, she hears Aqua’s voice, muffled through the door -
“Kairi? Riku is here.”
And her heart stutters in her chest.
Kairi keeps her breathing even as Aqua opens her door and takes a couple quiet steps into her room. Her back is turned to the door, curled up as she is on her bed, and she works not to tense up, to keep her muscles lax in the guise of sleep. Silently, she prays that Aqua buys it.
Please. She begs. Please just leave. I don’t want to hear it – I don’t want to know!
A few heartbeats later, she hears Aqua step out of her room, and she exhales softly.
“Sorry.” Kairi hears Aqua say, apologetic. “I think she fell asleep – training did go longer than usual today.”
She starts to hear a response before the door snaps shut – the low, tired timbre of Riku’s voice – and a wave of longing crashes over Kairi so hard it makes her stomach cramp. Groaning quietly, she shoves her face into her pillow and curls around it, holding it tight.
Since her conversation with Terra, Riku has been able to call her two more times. The first time, Kairi was so relieved to hear from him again that she didn’t even bother to bring it up, bitterness falling away for a moment as she asks over and over for Riku to promise – that he was alright, that he wasn’t hurt, that everything is fine. By the time the call ended, she remembered what Terra had told her and groaned loudly. Next time. She thinks, furious at herself. I’ll do it next time.
‘Next time’ ended up being almost a month later. And it was –
Awkward. Stilted. He asks the same surface questions. She answers them woodenly. She asks if he found anything about Sora’s whereabouts. He says that he hasn’t found anything new yet. He asks about her training and she –
She doesn’t know what to say. What else can she say? Say it. Kairi urges herself. This is your chance. Say it now.
But she didn’t. She doesn't. Like a coward.
The conversation started and ended in a flash, and when she finally ended the call, Kairi felt longing and relief twist into a complicated knot in her gut.
She’s just – she’s worried. She’s worried that despite Terra’s assurance, she’ll talk to Riku, and it won’t matter – that he won’t care, that it’ll get brushed off like before. She’s worried that she won’t have the right words, that she’ll screw her whole explanation up and nothing will change at all. That maybe he’s finally realized that this was all her fault, and he silently hates her for it, resents her.
He was always worried about her stealing Sora away when they were young, after all.
And now – now, he’s here. She doesn’t understand - why has he left Quadratum? Has he – did he find Sora after all? Did he bring him home?
Did they not need her, in the end?
Kairi pushes her face further into the pillow – until it’s almost suffocating. “I’m going to do it.” She tells herself, voice muffled. “I am only going to wallow for a few more minutes. And then - I’ll talk to him. I’ll do it, for sure.”
But what if he doesn’t come back? A pitiful, scared part of her asks. What if he came here to say he didn’t need my help, after everything?
Stupid. Ridiculous. Kairi doesn’t even bother entertaining the idea. She’s going to talk to Riku soon! She will! It’s just – it’s hard. But one day they’ll talk, and then maybe – maybe…
Somewhere during all her tossing and turning and fretting, Kairi accidentally falls asleep. For once, she doesn’t dream of anything.
When she wakes, she’s confused and drowsy, sitting up with a jaw cracking yawn to look out at her window. “It’s dark?” She asks herself, groggy. “Did I miss dinner? Oh no…I didn’t mean to fall asleep…”
Sliding out of bed, Kairi tugs at her rumpled jacket and runs her fingers through her hair, sighing quietly. Riku’s probably long gone, by now. Kairi tells herself that she isn’t disappointed. She’s not. “It’s probably for the best.” She mutters into empty air. “He’s busy, anyway.”
With that, Kairi sneaks out of her room and heads to the kitchens, hoping that a snack and a quick walk would settle her down enough to go back to bed.
It was a clear night, tonight – so clear that Kairi felt like she could reach up and pluck a star from the sky. It was comfortable out. Not too cool, not too warm. It always felt that way, and it made Kairi start to wonder – did the Land of Departure have seasons? All worlds had seasons, right? Destiny Islands had seasons, certainly – the winters probably weren’t as cold as other places, but it was still chilly enough to make a difference. What were holidays like, here? Do they –
“Kairi?”
Kairi’s heartbeat kicks into double-time so fast she feels lightheaded.
She whips around as Riku steps out from the shadowed archway, the door closing behind him with a quiet thud as he steps out into the moonlight. For a second, Kairi has no idea what to say. She gapes at him, her heart racing so fast it feels like it’s tapping against the back of her teeth. And then – stupidly, stupidly – Kairi opens her mouth and says the first thing that comes to mind.
“You – you’re still here?”
It was the wrong thing to say, and she knows it – Kairi winces internally as Riku stiffens all over, his shoulders hunching inward as he pulls his arms tighter across himself. She hurt his feelings.
The guilt prickling at the back of her neck makes her bristle; why should she feel guilty? So what, that Riku is hurting? They can all hurt. He and Sora have hurt her plenty, and it didn’t really matter to them at all, did it? Because, well – here they are.
“…Why do you have to say it like that?” Riku’s eyes drift to the side as he folds his arms over his chest. “Of course I am. I wanted to see you. I had – to tell you something.”
Kairi’s already fast heartbeat picks up in panic. For a moment she wants to give into the childish urge to cover her ears. No. She doesn’t want to know – doesn’t want to hear it.
“Aqua probably would’ve told me the next day, you know.” She fiddles with the gem on her necklace before crossing her arms tight over her chest, matching Riku’s huddled posture. “You didn’t have to stick around. I’m sure there’s…other things. That you need to take care of. Were you just standing around out here waiting for me? That’s kind of weird, Riku.”
She tries to sound teasing, but she just sounds irritated instead. The gulf between them stretches wider than ever before – so, so wide. Kairi wondered if she’d be able to jump across it.
“What? No, I – there’s nothing. Aqua said I could stay and rest for a couple days. I couldn’t sleep. I was taking a walk, and I saw you – it doesn’t matter. I already said – I wanted to see you.” A muscle in Riku’s jaw works. “Is that so wrong?”
Nothing, huh? She doesn’t believe him. Why won’t he just spit it out – just say what she’s dreaded to hear the moment she knew he was back.
I wanted to tell you – it turns out I was able to bring Sora home without you, after all. Thanks for waiting, Kairi.
Kairi’s lips twist into a scowl.
“Maybe I was just busy. I do have to train.” She can’t hold back the bitterness that coats the final word. “I haven’t had free time for a while.”
“You don’t need to lie to me.” Riku shoots back, scowling. “I’m not dumb, Kairi – you’ve got that look. You’re upset with me. Why? I thought –”
His expression twists, confused. “I know it’s not ideal, but – I thought it was for the best. Quadratum – we don’t entirely know what’s there. It’s not safe. You understood back then – what changed?”
Riku’s tight posture loosens some as he starts to take a step towards Kairi. “What aren’t you telling me? Why won’t you talk to me?”
Kairi blinks at him, slow. Her expression smooths out into something – calm. Something eerily blank. Her ears were…buzzing. Like her head was full of static.
I can’t help?
You’d kind of just be in my way.
I’m going to find him – I’ll find him and bring him home.
I’m going with you!
Kairi…
I can’t help?
I can’t help?
I can’t help?
Kairi…
You’d kind of just be in my way.
It crashes over her in a wave – abrupt, all at once – and Kairi realizes that she is furious. So much so that she feels calm. Every bitter thought and resentful emotion is rising up in her – and she finally doesn’t want to hold it back. “You want to talk?” She asks evenly, and her voice sounds so far away. “Okay. Sure. We can talk.”
She flexes her fingers and calls her Keyblade into her hand. “But you’re gonna have to work for it.”
Riku’s face goes slack with shock. “I – what?”
“Spar with me.” Kairi raises her Keyblade, pointing the end of it at Riku. “And after that – maybe then we can talk.”
Riku was just – staring at her, gawking like her words weren’t making sense, and that – that just made her angrier. “Kairi…” He starts, hesitant. “Are you – it’s late, we don’t –”
“Hm.” She was amazed that she wasn’t shaking. “So you and Sora can spar against each other as much as you want, whenever you want, but once I want to, you suddenly can’t? You hesitate?”
Kairi bares her teeth, and even though the sky was clear, thunder rumbles faintly in the distance. “You’re one of the people who put me here! You’re the one that wanted me to stay to the side and train, and then you – you just -!!”
A strangled noise of frustration slips from her clenched teeth, and she sets her jaw. Fine, then. Fine.
If he won’t come to her – she’ll go to him.
When Kairi swings her Keyblade down, Thunder appears in its wake, lightning sparking across the ground and heading straight for Riku. Grim satisfaction settles in her belly when she sees the Keyblade appear in Riku’s hand, the effects of a Reflect spell still shimmering around him. Lips pressed into a thin line, Kairi moves, darting across the gap between them, lightning still dancing across her fingertips as she readies to swing.
You’re short, kid. Lea’s voice echoes in her ear. And fast. Use that to your advantage.
She won’t give him a second – not to step away, not to think. She won’t give an inch.
Riku’s Keyblade rises up to block her swing, and the collision makes her teeth rattle.
“Kairi -!”
He grunts, trying to shove her back – but she doesn’t let it last, darting back into his space and striking out again and again. Riku just blocks over and over and over, and all it does it flare her temper to greater heights. “What’s gotten into you??”
“I’m trying –” Strike, block, dodge. “To get you –” Block, back away, dart forward. “To spar with me!!”
“But I don’t want to hurt you!!” Riku begs, and Kairi is screaming before she has time to think.
“You’ve already hurt me!!”
Riku’s Keyblade goes lax against hers, his face slack with surprise, and – no. No, that’s not what she wanted. “Kairi –”
“No.
“But –”
“No!!”
Riku’s eyes narrow sharply, and finally, finally, he starts to push back. “What is wrong with you?” He snaps. “Why won’t you talk to me?!”
He shoves her back, and Kairi’s boots skid across the ground. He’s coming to her now, Keyblade raised to swing, and she blocks it with a grunt. “It doesn’t matter.” She hisses out through clenched teeth. “Why complain when you’ve already made up your mind?!”
Kairi lashes out, kicks hard at Riku’s knee and makes him buckle, makes him lose his footing – who said that being a Keyblade wielder meant she had to fight fair?
“What are you talking about?? We agreed!!”
Sparks fly as their blades clash, over and over, and Kairi casts Water, pushing Riku back, his boots skidding across the stones. “We agreed.” She repeats, mocking. “No – you agreed. You made the decisions and didn’t bother to ask me. You never have!!”
“It was dangerous!!”
“You think I didn’t know that?!” Kairi bares her teeth, swinging overhead with all her strength. Curses under her breath when she misses, Riku quickly dodging out of the way and out of her line of sight. Sparks dance across the stones as her Keyblade strikes the place where Riku once stood, and Kairi starts to whirl around, adjusting her Keyblade to swing –
A tight hand around her wrist stops her short. Her breath stutters to a halt, catching in her chest.
“Kairi.” Riku begs, raising her trapped wrist aloft, until she has to stand on the balls of her feet. “Please – I know that you wanted to come with me – but I -”
“Let go.”
Kairi’s heart was pounding in her ears. Riku’s grip was tight – not as tight as his, bones grinding together, the muscles in her arm screaming in protest as Xemnas pulled –
No. Riku wasn’t there. He couldn’t have known. He couldn’t.
She grinds her teeth together to keep them from chattering. “Let go.” She says again, and she yanks at Riku’s grip. It holds firm, and Kairi’s head fills with static.
“I –”
Kairi doesn’t want to hear whatever excuses Riku is about to give. Her patience snaps. “Let go of me!!”
Magic pushes out of her in a wave, panicked, and Kairi wreathes her captive arm in Fire.
Riku cries out, his grip loosening on her wrist, and Kairi takes that opening and yanks herself away, spinning on her heel to face him with bared teeth and a strong swing of her Keyblade. How could he?? How could he??
Sparks fly between them as he blocks her, arm shaking slightly from the force of her swing, and she wants to hit him again. Again. Again. “I can’t believe you.” She hisses. “How dare you, you -! Do you think I’m dumb?? It was fine when you needed someone for the war!! No one cared about the danger then, did they??”
Riku’s breath hitches, and Kairi doesn’t fight it this time, when he shoves her back, putting space between them. “That was – that was different.”
“How was it different?!” Kairi’s fingers ache with how tightly she’s clutching her Keyblade. She can still feel the phantom grip of Riku’s fingers around her wrist. “It was just as dangerous –”
“We needed people, the prophecy –”
She cuts him off with a scoff. “Oh, of course, the prophecy. So you don’t need me now, is that what you’re saying?? Is that what you came all this way to tell me?? That you don’t need me, that you found Sora and want to rub it in my face -”
Riku looks frustrated. “No -! No, I -!”
But Kairi isn’t listening. “I thought you’d listen to me now!! That since I had a Keyblade, I’d be useful!! That I was finally good enough, that I could finally help, since it wasn’t wanted before!! And now you’re telling me – you're saying you don’t need me anymore? I’m not useful enough anymore?”
It’s not fair – she should let Riku speak. But Kairi was so mad she was seeing red as he gapes at her, stricken. Suddenly, she decides that she shouldn’t have given him space at all. She decides that she’s angry enough to put him on his back, Keyblade or no. A scream builds in her throat, chokes her, and Kairi throws her Keyblade at Riku before vanishing into gold streaks of light, chasing after it. Pulling her forward.
He never saw her do this before – he didn’t get to visit during her training, and they didn’t fight together in the war. So Riku doesn’t expect Kairi getting in his face in a shower of gold sparks, using the flat of her Keyblade to slam it against his chest and send him stumbling. She knew she must have looked a sight – eyes wild, hair rumpled and windblown as Kairi bares her teeth, clamping them tight into Riku’s clothed shoulder as she slams him into the ground, breath leaving him in a harsh wheeze.
She can hear Riku’s Keyblade clattering loudly as it falls from his hand, a strangled cry of pain ringing in her ear as Riku tangles his freed hand into her hair, grasping the strands tightly – so tight it hurt. “Kairi, Kairi.” He says, voice tight. “It hurts, come on –! Let go!”
Doesn’t feel good when you’re on the end of it, does it? Kairi thinks, furious.
He pulls her hair, a sharp tug, trying to make her let him go - but Kairi digs her teeth in, tighter and tighter, biting with all her strength, showing no mercy until Riku lets out a thin, high noise of pain and loosens his hold on her hair, going limp beneath her. She can feel the indent of her teeth in his skin through his clothes.
Bitterly, Kairi hopes it leaves a mark.
Eventually she lets him go, bit by bit. Keeps the flat of her Keyblade pressed against his chest, holding him down as she rises onto her knees, straddling his waist. She hovers over him, a scant foot of space between them, and Riku’s hand slides from her hair and rests against the crook of her neck, heavy. Warm.
The expression on Riku’s face is unreadable, as he stares up at her, eyes rimmed red, cheeks tacky with the few tears he’s shed. Kairi isn’t entirely sure what her face is doing, as she stares back at him. It feels unbearably quiet outside, now, their heavy breathing the only noise filling the air.
Finally, Riku speaks –
“I will always need you.”
He says it so quietly, voice shaking, but it might as well have been a shout with the way his words stunned her. His voice is so sure. Certain. But it was still so hard to believe.
Kairi’s eyes immediately fill with tears, and her mouth wobbles. “Then why didn’t you let me go?”
“I wanted you to stay safe. I didn’t want anything else to happen to you.”
It makes sense – but she isn’t happy with it. Kairi scowls at him. “So something can just happen to you?? I want to keep you safe, too – both of you! I –”
Her breath hitches. “I want to make this right.” She whispers. “But you won’t let me – no one will let me. This happened because of me.”
“Kairi.” Riku’s expression is stricken, now. His other hand rises, grips at the back of her thigh. “Don’t – it’s not your fault. None of it.”
“It feels like it is!” She protests. “I feel responsible – but I can’t do anything! Riku, do you know how awful it feels to be left behind? To have to stand to the side and wait when people you love are in danger? To want to help, but be told that you’d just be in the way??”
Her hands shake, but her hold on her Keyblade never falters. “I know I – I had my chance to prove myself. And I screwed up. I had promised – I swore I would keep Sora safe. And I didn’t, in the end. When I did get to protect him, it happened far too late, and I. I thought – after he – I thought we would do this together. I thought we would look together. And you left me. So when I heard you were back, I thought – I thought you just found him without me and came home. I -”
Kairi’s eyes are so full of tears that Riku’s expression has blurred away, nothing but splotches of color.
“How can I trust you, when you say you always need me?” She continues. “I thought – maybe I was enough now that I had a Keyblade. That I could finally help, and fight with you. You say that, but then you keep leaving me behind. How can I believe you? Either of you?”
Riku was hurting – Kairi could feel it, in the way his chest was heaving. In the way his fingers dug into the back of her thigh, his grip tightening.
“…If losing Sora was your fault,” Riku starts, his voice breaking, “then I guess – it was my fault, too.”
The blurred shape of his head turns away from her. “I let him go – I let him use the Power of Waking, when – maybe we could have found another way. And part of me hoped that we’d just…”
He huffs out a weak laugh. “Sora made it feel like – like it was going to be okay. That he’d bring you back, and everything would go back to how it was. Since the war was over, and Xheanort was gone, I hoped - I thought we’d get lucky. And I was wrong. I thought - how could I look at you and know that Sora was gone because I let him –”
Riku bites off whatever he was going to say. “But it doesn’t matter right now. It doesn’t matter at all – because no matter how much I thought it was right, I hurt you in the end. Even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. Kairi -”
His thumb rubs across her thigh, soft. “Kairi, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I’m sorry.
Kairi feels like a weight is lifted from her chest at those words. The tears that she’d been stubbornly holding back finally spill over, and Kairi sniffles quietly, everything in her slumping over as those words sunk in. “I’m sorry, too – I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.” She weeps. “But I thought it didn’t matter! Your minds were made up – everyone made their decisions. How could I change it? I tried before, once, with Sora, ages ago, and he – he just laughed! Told me I'd be in the way! So I - I tried to prove myself in the war and I screwed it up. I wasn’t strong enough. I shouldn’t have shut you out, I shouldn’t – but it hurt! I was so angry!”
“That’s because you felt like you couldn’t trust me.” Riku croaks. “I’m sorry. Don’t – you can talk to me. No matter what. I really meant what I said, Kairi – I’ll always need you. You didn’t screw up, in the war. I – I was just scared. We were supposed to look out for each other, and then you got taken, right under our noses. I don’t want anything else to hurt you. But then I hurt you. So what good have I done?”
His voice cracks again, and through her tears Kairi can see that he was crying, too.
It felt like the clouds had parted, the storm passed, and Kairi was asking herself now – what was she doing? Pushing Riku out, pushing him away, refusing to talk to him honestly – all it brought was more pain. It feels ridiculous now. She doesn’t want to be apart anymore. All she wants in the world is to hold him. With all her feelings finally out in the open, Kairi feels like she could float away, she felt so light. Her heart – now that she’s been seen and understood, it felt like it was spilling over; like the only thing that could fix it would be holding Riku close.
With that decision in mind, she dispels her Keyblade and grabs the lapels of Riku’s jacket, pulling him upright and into her arms. Gold lights dance behind Kairi’s eyelids as she feels Riku’s arms wrap around her waist – a heavy weight. Comforting. And then – it’s strange.
The lights don’t vanish. Instead, they grow. Grow and grow and grow, until they’re blinding, until her chest feels like it’s on fire, and then –
And then Riku vanishes from her arms.
That makes Kairi’s eyes snap open, her panic ratcheting even higher when she sees that he’s gone. But that – that couldn’t be – he was just there! Right there in her arms, just a second ago!! How –?!
I’m here!
Kairi stops short, her hands still hovering in the air. She looks around, just to be certain. The training grounds are empty. There’s no one here but her. And yet she hears it, over and over, clear as a bell – Riku’s voice reassuring her, promising over and over –
I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.
She feels – confusion. Surprise. Elation that was growing stronger every second. Feelings that certainly didn’t belong to her, settling in her chest. Kairi looks down at her hands and –
She’s wearing Riku’s gloves. Riku’s gloves were on her hands, dyed a dark violet.
Scrambling to her feet, Kairi looks down at herself, and her clothing, it – she – she feels –
Kairi let’s out a hysterical giggle, and Riku’s amusement trills up her spine.
Her clothes were different – still pink, but also swathed in shades of dark violet and soft lavender. They reminded her of the colors of dawn over the ocean.
And she feels – she feels supported. Like she’s standing with something sturdy pressed against her back, holding her up. Giving her strength.
Strength…
Yes. Riku agrees. Strength to protect what matters. I’m with you.
Kairi’s knees go weak. She lets out another hysterical laugh as she sinks back to the ground, falling hard on her rear, and she keeps laughing as she flops onto her back. Laughs until tears spring to her eyes.
I guess...the good fairies listened to me after all.
-o-
Kairi doesn’t remember falling asleep. But when she wakes up, it’s to beams of sunlight draped across her room, dying everything gold. It must be late – Aqua probably called off training. She must have, since she doesn’t remember hearing her come in.
She wrinkles her nose as she tries to wake up and remember how on earth she got back to her room. It couldn’t have been by herself. She remembers –
Her breath hitches.
She remembers –
I can’t believe I actually did it.
A drive form. All on her own. Maybe she’ll actually have a thing or two to teach Sora after all, when they bring him home. A giddy smile spreads across her face.
Behind her, there’s a rustle of movement. Kairi registers the warm arm draped over her waist, a welcome weight.
“…Kairi?” Riku asks, voice groggy with sleep. “Are you up?”
The last time they were like this, Kairi didn’t say anything. Made herself still and quiet until Riku was gone. This time, she wriggles closer, tucking her hips back into the cradle of his as she throws a foot over his calf. “I’m up.” She mumbles into her pillow. “Did I wake you?”
“Mm. A little.”
“I’m sorry.”
“S’okay.”
They fall silent again, and Kairi soaks in the feeling of Riku breathing evenly behind her, slow and sleepy. “Riku.” She says in a whisper, and he hums sleepily in response. “We made a drive form.”
That wakes him up a little more, and he stretches out a little before settling back down, tucked up against her so there was no space between them. “We did.” He agrees, and she smiles, even though he can’t see it.
“I didn’t know it felt like that. Do you think we can do it again?”
“If we practice, yeah.”
Silence, again.
“Does your neck hurt?”
“Mm. A little.”
Kairi feels a prickle of guilt, and she cringes. “I’m sorry I bit you.”
Riku’s huff of laughter ruffles her hair. “You haven’t done that since we were eight.”
“I was upset!”
“I know.” He wriggles his other arm under her, wrapping it around her waist so he could hold her impossibly closer. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t. We’ll be apologizing to each other forever. Just – let’s not do it again. We’ll…I’ll talk to you next time. Okay?”
“Okay. And I'll talk to you.”
Riku tucks his face into the curve of her neck, and Kairi runs a hand over his arm, back and forth, over and over. It was so quiet, now – peaceful enough that Kairi felt that she could go back to sleep any second. But she remembers something, first.
“Riku?”
“Mm?” He jolts a little, and Kairi feels a bit sorry for waking him up. But she needed to know.
“You said – before. Last night. You had something you wanted to tell me. What was it?”
“Oh. Right.” He shifts a little as he wakes himself up more. “I wanted to tell you – uh. Well. It’s more like I wanted to ask you something, actually.”
“…Okay?”
He shifts around again, and suddenly, more than anything, Kairi wanted to turn around so she could see his face. “Riku.” She chides. “Don’t be nervous. What is it?”
“I, uh. I wanted to ask if you. Um.” He breathes in deeply, as though he was steeling himself. “I wanted to ask you to come with me.”
Kairi stiffens up. “…Come with you…?” She repeats carefully, not daring to hope. To assume.
“To Quadratum.”
Her heart lifts, and just as quickly it sinks into her gut. “Riku – if this is because of what happened last night, because of what I said, you don’t –”
“It isn’t!” He insists, squeezing her. “Kairi, I swear. It’s – it’s literally why I came back. I didn’t want to do this over the phone – I wanted to see you. Face to face. I wanted to ask you. I did.”
Kairi forces herself to relax, bit by bit. She wants to go – of course she wants to. All she’s wanted was to fight by her boys’ sides, keep them safe. But now that the chance is being handed to her once more, she has to ask –
“Why?”
At her back, Riku exhales, and the sound of it is shaky. “I guess…” He laughs faintly. “It’s really selfish – I just. I don’t want to do this without you, anymore.”
A lump rises in her throat. She feels tears prickling in her eyes, and she tries to hold them back – she’s cried enough. “But it’s dangerous.” She points out. “You said that.”
“I did.” He agrees. “But – I’ll protect you. And you can protect me. That’s my reason. I just don’t want to look for him without you anymore. I want you there, so we can bring Sora home together.”
Kairi can’t stop her tears, then, and she sniffles quietly.
“Hey.” Riku squeezes her again. “Okay?”
“Okay.” She says thickly.
“You’ll come with me?”
“If – if it’s not any trouble – “
“It’s not. I want you there.”
“Okay.” She warbles. “Then I will. I’ll come with you.”
At her answer, Riku presses his smile into her hair.
It’s so warm here, wrapped up in Riku’s arms – the pain that has dogged her heels since he left her behind is healing now. A scab that she can finally stop picking at over and over, reminding herself of the hurt. They’re so close - Kairi can barely remember the gulf that had stretched between them, keeping them apart – it feels so far away, now.