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It’s about 4 o’clock in the morning, and there is faint music coming from Hyunjin’s studio.
He must be drawing again , Jisung thinks as he turns into his bed, doing his best to get said person off his mind. It is a habit at this point - not getting sleep over Hyunjin. Just as much as drawing at 4 o’clock is a habit for Hyunjin himself. And Jisung doesn’t mind it, not really - daydreams where his love is requited are always welcome.
He just wishes they would happen, well… during the day. His sleep schedule is fucked-up enough as it is.
But something about picturing Hyunjin’s smile directed at him feels sweeter at night. When he’s swallowed by his comforter, safe from the members’ prying eyes and the grounding presence of Hyunjin himself.
Because Jisung doesn’t dare to think about Hyunjin in this way when he’s around. It only seems to amplify the pain.
(Jisung knows what to do in order to escape his 4 a.m. feelings).
“You’re up,” he tries to say nonchalantly as he approaches Hyunjin’s art corner at their balcony.
Hyunjin’s head whips in Jisung’s direction. “So are you,” he half-whispers, offering Jisung a barely noticeable smile before returning his gaze to the canvas on his easel.
“I couldn’t sleep,” Jisung explains, pouting his lips. I was thinking about you, he omits.
“C’mere,” Hyunjin says, not bothering to face Jisung again but patting a chair near himself invitingly. It’s currently being used as a display space for one of his paintings (something abstract that Jisung can’t wrap his mind around but finds pretty nevertheless). Jisung doesn’t want to move the artwork on his own accord, so he remains in his place, studying it.
A beat passes before Hyunjin catches up. “Oh, you can prop it up against the wall over there.”
Jisung obediently does as told, after which he moves the chair next to Hyunjin’s and plops onto it, bringing one of his knees to his chest. He tries not to stare at Hyunjin’s work-in-progress, at least not before he gets permission, so he takes in the setting instead, eyes aimlessly wandering like the specs of dust floating in the air.
Jisung only now notices how dimmed the lighting is, half of it coming from a yellow-ish lamp near Hyunjin, the other half reflected from the almost-full moon in the night sky. Jisung wonders whether this semi-darkness is affecting Hyunjin’s perception of colour in any way, whether it’s intentional. Maybe Hyunjin’s nighttime palette is for slightly different emotions than the one he uses during the day. Maybe Hyunjin, much like Jisung, also enjoys the blanket of secrecy that 4 o’clock grants, allowing his true colours to shine, away from the incessant attention his daily life subjects him to.
And maybe Jisung shouldn’t be here, depriving Hyunjin of his alone-time.
But Hyunjin hasn’t said anything so far, and the silence that has settled between them is anything but uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s all in Jisung’s head - he has a tendency to overthink, after all.
“Do you want to know what I am drawing?” Hyunjin asks after a minute or two, as if to reassure Jisung that his company isn’t unwanted.
It’s then when Jisung allows himself to peek at the canvas, immediately noticing the blend of cold shades layered on top of another. The painting is still in its early stages, so he has to unfocus his vision to make sense of the seemingly random brush strokes. Once he does it, though, everything comes into place. It’s-
“It’s a self-portrait,” Hyunjin completes Jisung’s thought, moving his brush with mesmerising ease all the while.
It only makes sense - Hyunjin’s been drawing a lot of these lately. Jisung takes a closer look at the painting, Hyunjin’s drawn features suddenly appearing clearer than before. In the portrait, he seems to be sleeping restlessly judging by the furrow in his brows. His arms are outstretched, as if hugging something, except there is nothing between them. Jisung ponders whether Hyunjin simply hasn’t finished drawing whatever’s meant to go there yet.
“What does it mean?” Jisung involuntarily says, almost covering his mouth with his palm after realising he’s voiced this thought out loud. “I- You don’t have to-”
Hyunjin’s brush freezes on the canvas for a brief moment. Then, he simply leaves it in the rinse cup and gathers his now free hands in his lap.
“I- It’s stupid,” Hyunjin mumbles, looking down at his twiddling fingers.
Then why does everything in your body language say it isn’t?
“You look like you need to talk about it,” Jisung attempts to predispose him. When Hyunjin’s eyes lock with his, Jisung plucks up the courage to ask another question. One that he knows would be the final nail in the coffin. “What have you been losing sleep over, Hyunjin-ah?”
( Has it been the same thing I’ve been losing sleep over? Jisung keeps to himself, wishing the thought hadn’t found its way to the forefront of his mind. He needs to get it in his head that there is no way on earth his feelings towards Hyunjin are requited. It’s an undeniable truth - the sky is blue, the grass is green, and Hyunjin has no clue that Jisung is in love with him. And Jisung should learn to live with that.)
Hyunjin shudders, his arms leaving his lap to circle his sides. He bites down on his lower lip before opening his mouth, but words don’t come out. Jisung thinks for a second, and then tentatively puts his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder, patting him ever so slightly. It seems to reassure him.
“It’s just that I…” he begins, eyes anywhere but on Jisung.
Jisung squeezes his shoulder. “Yes?”
Hyunjin ends up deciding to keep it concise. “It’s just… I’ve been feeling so unloved lately, Jisung-ah.”
It’s as if at this moment, everything in Jisung’s world falls apart. His hold on Hyunjin loosens, his heart feels like it’s sunk to his stomach, and his breath catches in his throat, making him stutter between his next words:
“You know damn well… that you have no reason to say… to feel… that .” Jisung can’t recognise his own voice, doesn’t know why these are the thoughts he first vocalises after Hyunjin’s confession. “You have your family, your fans… you have us ,” he continues, staring at Hyunjin so insistently that the latter has no choice but to face him.
Jisung’s felt unloved himself. He still sometimes does, even if the rational side of his brain always tells him it’s just a figment of his imagination. He used to think that finding someone who understands him in this sense would be comforting, but he’d never imagined this person would be Hyunjin. And it hurts so much - hearing that the one you care about the most feels unloved.
You have me, and I love you , Jisung leaves unsaid, hoping that his gaze on Hyunjin would disclose this in some inexplicable way.
Hyunjin breaks eye contact.
“I don’t mean it like that, though,” he sighs, reaching for his paintbrush and returning to his work, as if the conversation is over. His strokes are bolder now in comparison to before - so much so they almost seem careless. “I know I’m loved, maybe more than I deserve…” Jisung opens his mouth to protest, but Hyunjin is quicker: “But it’s been twenty-one years. Twenty-one years, and I still haven’t been loved loved, do you get what I mean?”
Oh.
Jisung's frantic train of thought comes to a halt when he realises in which direction this conversation is headed. A part of him feels relieved, finding out he'd assumed the worst possible scenario. Hyunjin is loved and knows he is loved - and there is nothing more Jisung can ask for.
But something else starts eating at his soul as soon as the meaning of Hyunjin's words settles. Hyunjin feels unloved in a romantic sense. Jisung, on the other hand, loves Hyunjin romantically. Very much so.
They probably shouldn't be having this conversation. At least not with one another.
But here they are anyway.
Jisung knows he can't back off all of a sudden, not when Hyunjin's decided to share a vulnerability. Jisung also knows, though, that things are bound to get messy if he himself shares one in return. So he opts to approach the situation with humour, much like everything else in his life. “Hyunjin-ah, we were on a dating ban for three years.”
Hyunjin doesn't hold back his giggles. “Yeah,” he confesses with a sigh, “but dating was off-limits back then.” A smile plays on his lips, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Pretty much all thoughts about love and relationships were in the back of my mind,” Hyunjin explains after Jisung doesn’t acknowledge his words for a couple of seconds.
“And what about now?” Jisung asks a follow-up question, hoping that it would mask the ugly emotions starting to bubble up inside of him.
Hyunjin seems more than happy to be able to rant: “They’re so consuming, Jisung-ah!” He exclaims, suddenly grasping Jisung’s shoulders and shaking him dramatically. Jisung’s eyes must look like saucers judging by the laugh Hyunjin lets out. “It’s all I can think about when I’m alone with myself,” Hyunjin adds, desperation clear in his voice. And then, a tad bit more sincerely, “I feel like relationships are this important part of youth… and everyone but me has experienced them,” he concludes.
Jisung’s face softens hearing that. He puts himself in Hyunjin’s shoes for a moment, tries to imagine the last four years through the lens of a hopeless romantic like him. He sees Hyunjin growing - from the arrogant boy he’d often pick up fights with into the emotionally attuned person he’d fall for somewhere along the line.
Hyunjin is so loveable, Jisung realises. Loveable, and ready to give just as much, if not more love in return. And for once, Jisung feels like he understands him. For once, he is ready to disregard his own yearning, only to get to see Hyunjin love and be loved (like he deserves to be).
“Then why don’t you date like the rest of the members?” Jisung questions, and it hurts just slightly less than expected. “It’s not like you don’t get people’s numbers in your Inkigayo sandwiches,” he adds through his teeth, hoping that the joy of seeing Hyunjin’s cackling would outweigh the pang of jealousy that passes through him.
(And it does. Hyunjin denies Jisung’s implications, even splashes some paint over him to get his point across. Jisung can’t even bring himself to be mad.)
“I don’t want to force it, I guess,” Hyunjin ponders as he returns his brush on the canvas as if he’d never stopped drawing. Jisung doesn’t say anything about him basically confirming his suspicion. “To me, dating would feel like…” Hyunjin continues the thought, running the pointer finger of his free hand over the bridge of his nose absentmindedly, “... it would feel like I’d be trying to nurture love, if you know what I mean?” Jisung nods solemnly. “And I don’t think love can be nurtured.”
The wishful side of Jisung takes over his brain-to-mouth filter for a moment. “It can be,” he says insistently, slowing down when he realises how his words might betray him. “I mean, any sort of relationship could be nurtured, I suppose…” Jisung steals a glance at Hyunjin whose full attention is still on his artwork. “But I guess I know where you’re coming from,” he adds as an afterthought, not wanting to drop the topic just yet. (Why is he so adamant to talk about this?)
Hyunjin hums in acknowledgement, then rinses his brush in the cup, adding a dark blue hue to the swirl of greys in the water. Jisung should probably get him a new rinse cup.
“I just don’t want to go out with almost-strangers with the goal to learn more about them until it eventually grows into love,” Hyunjin says absentmindedly as he mixes a new colour on the side of the canvas, comparing it to the ones he’s already used. “I want to get to know someone without intending to love them, only to someday realise I’ve felt this way towards them all along.” He shoots Jisung a fleeting look, as if to ask whether he gets him again.
And Jisung does, frankly. Because falling for Hyunjin had been exactly like the way Hyunjin pictures falling for someone else. Jisung had hated his guts at first, had definitely had no intention to like him even as a friend. But then they’d talked it out, become close. They’d started spending more and more time together, to the point where the rest of the members had started noticing. And there wasn’t another person who knew Jisung like Hyunjin did, who had seen him at his worst and still loved him unconditionally. So it had only been a matter of time before Jisung had caught up to his own feelings. All out of nowhere, while idly watching Hyunjin lose himself to dancing from the floor of the red practice room.
“Our lifestyles don’t really allow us this sort of casual interactions, do they?” Jisung utters more to himself, swallowing hard.
They really don’t, and maybe that’s why Jisung had ended up falling for Hyunjin - because loving him, albeit painful, at least came easily - much easier than denying the existence of his feelings.
“Exactly…” Hyunjin responds with a slight delay. His brushstrokes are beginning to slow down, but Jisung cannot bring himself to look at the painting. “And… and this will sound so cheesy, but I want to fall in love, Jisung-ah. I want to look into somebody’s eyes like I see the stars in them, and I want somebody to hold me like I am their world. But I can’t get that in the way I dream about it, so I resort to watching dramas and reading stupid webtoons instead…”
Hyunjin trails off, and Jisung doesn’t urge him to continue his thought. He doesn’t want to hear how Hyunjin pictures his perfect relationship, doesn’t want to have even more unrealistic scenarios to insert himself in. He repositions himself on the chair, encircling both of his legs and beginning to rock back and forth to the slow rhythm of the music playing from Hyunjin’s phone. It distracts him, somewhat, but not enough to miss Hyunjin’s next words:
“That's why I’m sleeping restlessly in the painting,” he utters, a sense of finality conveyed through his tone. Jisung’s eyes land on him just as he finishes signing the corner of the canvas. “Because I am wishing that there would be somebody in my arms.”
Jisung is taken aback by how different the artwork looks since the last time he studied it. Hyunjin’s features are much more pronounced and the colours appear to be much richer. And the brushstrokes had really gotten rougher around the end - but this fact somehow ties up perfectly with the emotions the painting is aiming to evoke.
What is most noticeable about the finished product, though, are Hyunjin’s hands. Still wrapped around empty space, they perfectly illustrate his yearning to love and be loved.
Jisung doesn’t know what to say. Jisung must come up with something to say if he doesn’t want his silence to drag out uncharacteristically long.
“I’ll cuddle you if you’re that desperate for physical contact,” he attempts to joke, but cringes as soon as the words register in his mind. He doesn’t need to look at Hyunjin’s face to know his reaction.
“You know that’s not the same,” Hyunjin scoffs, no trace of humour in his voice.
For a second, Jisung forgets about his inappropriate reaction to Hyunjin’s vulnerabilities as genuine hurt runs through him. He almost responds with an “ouch”, stopping himself briefly before the sound leaves his mouth. He has a suspicion that the actual feelings behind the word wouldn’t go unnoticed by Hyunjin.
So they grow silent. Hyunjin returns to drawing despite just signing his work, adding some finishing touches with a needle-thin brush. Jisung once again concentrates on the soft music Hyunjin has put on. He tries making sense of the English lyrics, almost groaning when he realises they all have to do with love. How characteristic of Hyunjin.
“What about you, Jisung-ah?” Hyunjin says all of a sudden, taking Jisung out of his thoughts.
“Me?” Jisung points at himself disbelievingly, his eyes meeting Hyunjin’s.
“Yeah,” Hyunjin confirms, smiling as if Jisung’s surprise is the most amusing thing. “Why aren’t you dating like the rest of the members?”
Hyunjin’s smirk suggests he already has an inkling of what Jisung’s answer might be. It makes Jisung’s stomach churn with uncertainty. Has he gotten Hyunjin all wrong?
Has Hyunjin actually been aware of Jisung’s feelings all along?
Jisung averts his eyes, placing his head on his knees. “I don’t think I’m comfortable enough around strangers to go out on dates…” he ends up muttering. The justification sounds believable enough to him. “And our schedules are so packed anyway,” he adds for good measure.
“Fair,” Hyunjin points out. His gaze is heavy, still trained onto Jisung’s face. It feels as if it’s burning holes in his cheeks. “But those aren’t the only reasons, are they?” He adds conspiringly, edges of his mouth tugging upward in Jisung’s peripheral vision.
“I guess they aren’t,” Jisung confesses before he’s even had the chance to think it through.
His eyes widen as he realises what he’s shared, but to his surprise, Hyunjin doesn’t say anything. Jisung had expected him to push further, interrogate him until he’d gotten to the core of the matter, the one secret Jisung had thought he’d managed to keep from him. But the silence only stretches, and Hyunjin keeps staring at him somewhat expectantly, and it becomes unbearable.
If this is a conversation they’re bound to have, then Jisung might as well be the one taking its lead.
“I am in love with somebody,” Jisung declares after minutes of stillness, and a part of him immediately wants to take it back. Another part of him, however, feels relieved, lighter than ever before.
But Hyunjin’s immediate reaction isn’t one of surprise or sympathy like Jisung had expected. “Yeah,” he responds in a teasing tone, “everyone can tell.”
Jisung sucks in a breath. “Can they?”
Can they also tell who I’m in love with? He thinks, feeling himself getting overwhelmed with anxiety. What is the chance everyone, Hyunjin included, has gotten him figured out?
“We’ve all heard your songs, Jisung-ah,” Hyunjin elaborates, putting a comforting hand on Jisung’s shoulder. “You don’t simply write lyrics like that based on imaginary scenarios in your head. I know I wouldn’t be able to.”
Hearing these words, Jisung gathers the courage to peek at Hyunjin, trying to find the answers to his own questions written on his face. The idea turns out to be bad - there is no trace of the mocking expression Hyunjin had worn earlier. Instead, it has been replaced with a smile so sincere that Jisung becomes warm all over just looking at it. He tries reciprocating the sentiment, fixing his gaze onto Hyunjin’s, and the more they look at each other, the more Jisung feels his ears and cheeks burning.
For some reason, he can’t bring himself to care.
Hyunjin lets out an endeared laugh, suddenly running the back of his cold fingers over Jisung’s cheek. If Jisung leans into the touch, it’s purely accidental. “Look at you getting all giddy and stuff,” Hyunjin says with delight, and Jisung realises that he’s maybe gone too far.
“Love looks good on you, Sungie,” Hyunjin adds with a wink, and it’s in that moment when the illusion shatters.
Jisung jerks his head away from Hyunjin, heart beating fast at what he’d just allowed himself to do. Staring into Hyunjin’s eyes like he sees the stars in them surely isn’t the way to go when he wants his secret crush to remain secret. And Hyunjin’s words had only served as a reminder that Jisung’s pining isn’t mutual, will never be mutual. Jisung had been giddy - but not for the same reasons Hyunjin had probably assumed.
“I hope you get the courage to confess to this person someday,” Hyunjin continues, probably interpreting Jisung’s actions as a result of shyness and not of dread. He probably thinks Jisung would feel comforted by what he has to say. “I am sure they would be exhilarated to know… if they haven’t caught on to the meanings of your songs, that is.” Jisung can sense Hyunjin genuinely wants him to be happy. He should feel grateful for that. But why are his eyes stinging with tears?
Jisung blinks aggressively, trying to stop himself from crying. He isn’t going to cry about that - not when he is the only one to blame for his own misery. Not when the only person who is around to comfort him happens to be the same person he would be crying over.
He breathes in and out slowly, regaining his composure. He is yet to come up with a reply to Hyunjin’s well-intended encouragement, but what is more important now is that he doesn’t suddenly burst into sobs. And that danger seems to be averted.
“Are you okay there?” Hyunjin asks, lightly touching Jisung’s back. Jisung wants to respond, but isn’t quite sure what his voice is going to sound like. Hyunjin seems to take that as an invitation to go on with his speech: “Sungie, it may be hard to confront them about it, but you should definitely do it… I am sure your feelings would be mutual… And I bet you’d make a great couple.”
Hyunjin saying that is all it takes for Jisung to forget to monitor his breathing for a second. And as it turns out, one second is enough for his emotions to take control over him, making him choke up on his tears so unexpectedly that he barely manages to turn his back to Hyunjin before the ugly scene starts playing out. Jisung’s eyes are welling up faster than he can wipe them dry and his breathing is becoming more and more irregular with each passing moment. He can feel himself shaking, and he knows that his state must be more than obvious to Hyunjin. Yet he still hopes that if he somehow manages to not let out any sobs, Hyunjin would simply ignore his crying and change the topic.
But this is Hyunjin. The person who Jisung fell in love with. The person who has always been there to listen to his problems, offer moral support and ask just the right questions. The person who’s always insisted on communicating after the rocky start of their friendship, but also respected Jisung’s boundaries and allowed him to share his vulnerabilities in his own time. The ever considerate, emotionally intelligent Hyunjin.
Jisung loves him so much.
And it’s so, so ironic, that if there is anyone who is able to comfort Jisung in this particular situation, it is still Hyunjin.
That’s why Jisung doesn’t shudder when he feels Hyunjin get up from his chair to loosely wrap his arms around him. Jisung doesn’t push him away, even when Hyunjin tugs at his shoulder tentatively, suggesting that Jisung turns to face him.
Instead, he allows himself to feel the full extent of his emotions for once. He lets himself wallow in the bitterness that comes with unrequited love. He cries - cries hard . Harder than he probably ever has, judging by Hyunjin’s fleeting expression of concern when Jisung also gets up and their eyes meet again.
But Jisung also gives way to his affection towards Hyunjin for what feels like the first time in his life. He wraps his arms around him and holds him tight, because he fears he would collapse if he doesn’t. When Hyunjin hugs him just as firmly, Jisung simply revels in the sensation, savouring it like he’s never gotten to before.
Gone are the thoughts about Hyunjin figuring everything out - Jisung simply uses the opportunity to mourn everything that they never got to share while also getting a taste of it. Guilt-free. Unapologetically. It might not be an effective way to get over his crush, and it feels bittersweet all the same.
But at least it offers him some sort of closure.
“Why did you get so upset?” Hyunjin whispers in the crown of Jisung’s head later. They’re laying in his bed, his fingers running soothing circles over Jisung’s upper arm.
“Because that person doesn’t love me like I love them,” Jisung explains, staring at a spot on the comforter Hyunjin had thrown over them. Jisung’s cried so much tonight that he’s gotten numb to talking about his one-sided feelings.
Hyunjin’s hand stops moving all at once. “How do you know that if you’ve never told them?” He asks with a voice so hopeful Jisung wants to hope too, even though he knows he shouldn’t.
So he deadpans, “Context clues,” his gaze unmoving from the comforter.
Jisung doesn’t even realise what he’d said could come across as funny until he feels Hyunjin shaking with laughter behind him. As upset as he is right now, he can’t control the smile spreading across his lips. There is nothing that makes him happier than Hyunjin’s happiness.
That’s maybe a proper time to close his eyes, try sleeping some before getting caught up in the whirlwind of his schedule tomorrow. If he does it now, he’d be ending this long, exhausting day on a good note (with high chances of seeing Hyunjin’s grin in his dreams).
However, Hyunjin doesn’t seem to want to leave things here. “Maybe they’re like me,” he contemplates, his voice still laced with amusement.
Jisung’s vision focuses all of a sudden as he contemplates whether he should turn to face Hyunjin or not. What can this statement possibly mean? How is Jisung supposed not to be sent into another spiral of delusional ‘what if's’ after hearing it?
“Care to elaborate?” Jisung murmurs, barely audible even to himself.
Hyunjin’s fingers return to tracing shapes onto Jisung’s arm, causing him to shiver. “I am by no means trying to talk about myself now,” he clarifies, pausing until Jisung nods for him to go on. “But remember how I said I don’t want to force love? That I’d much rather suddenly realise I’ve been feeling it? Maybe they’re also like that, and they’ll need some time to come to terms with the fact they’ve loved you all along.”
Hyunjin speaks with so much care that Jisung’s eyes somehow become watery again. Thankfully, he could just pretend to be asleep in his current position if things happen to escalate again.
“Truth be told, Sungie,” Hyunjin adds in a hushed tone, like he’s sharing a secret. “You are one of the easiest people to love I know. I am sure that your feelings will end up being mutual.”
Jisung stills at that, needing a moment to process what Hyunjin had said. The tears in his eyes start streaming down his cheeks, but this time around, he doesn’t feel breathless, neither does he want to hide them from Hyunjin.
Jisung shuffles around in his place until his face ends up bare centimetres away from Hyunjin’s. “Thank you,” he utters, his voice cracking.
Hyunjin doesn’t reply, but a gentle expression settles over his features. He places a hand on Jisung’s cheek, thumb grazing over his tear tracks.
Jisung briefly lets his eyes fall shut, indulges in this fantasy-come-true. When an unbelieving laugh escapes his lips and he suddenly finds himself staring at Hyunjin’s face again, Hyunjin is only beaming at him. Nothing suggests that he’s weirded out by Jisung’s behaviour. If anything, he appears to be quite understanding of Jisung’s vulnerabilities, and rather initiative when it comes to comforting him through physical affection.
So maybe Jisung will allow himself to stare some more, just for tonight. He will try to express how he is feeling wordlessly, by looking into Hyunjin’s eyes (where he certainly sees stars) or by holding him like he’s afraid to let go (because Hyunjin most definitely means the world to him).
And maybe, just maybe, Jisung will take Hyunjin’s advice, and give the situation time.
Because falling asleep in Hyunjin’s arms makes him hope their story doesn’t need closure in order to move on.