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It was easy - while there were people to call and patients to see - to ignore the lingering fear in their guts, the adrenaline that had yet to have its follow-up crash, the way everyone was studiously avoiding the room where the madness had only ended about an hour earlier. Everything in the ED was slowly getting back to normal, but there was an unsureness about the way that the doctors and nurses were approaching their next patient - was this one going to produce a gun on them too? Put their lives and those of their colleagues and friends in mortal danger?
One doctor in particular that seemed to be feeling the effects of the afternoon more than most - though he'd never admit it to anyone in a million years - was a rather subdued redhead.
Will knew that Maggie was watching him like a hawk, as was Ethan (neither of them were exactly being subtle). Natalie was avoiding his gaze and his presence as much as she could - and that stung, but Will could also understand where she was coming from. Connor had disappeared to God knows where - probably back up to the surgical floor, the brunette had muttered something about needing to scrub properly for a surgery upstairs and had left without another word. Goodwin was back to her normal self, but she had told all of them that they were free to go home should they require any time to process the events that had unfolded in front of them. Everyone was dealing with the trauma of the afternoon in different ways.
His way just happened to consist of staring at the same page on some random patient's chart for the last many minutes, physically present but mind a million miles away.
"-ll? Will? Hey, Halstead!"
Practically jumping out of his skin at the sudden appearance of the loud voice, Will spun around in a mess of gangly limbs to face Maggie - who was standing there with her hands on her hips, even as a sympathetic smile curled the corners of her mouth.
"I've been trying to get your attention for the last five minutes" the charge nurse explained once the redhead seemed to have calmed somewhat and she let her hands drop to her sides as she knelt down beside her friend as she gazed over him with a critical yet maternal eye. "You need a break, honey" she murmured softly, letting a hand rest on Will's forearm and gently squeezing the trembling muscles beneath her fingers. "You're too wound up and jumpy still - go to the break room for a bit, Ethan's already said he'll cover your patients for you."
Mustering his best approximation of a scowl - but at best achieving a tired-looking grimace - Will forced himself to make eye contact with her and replied "Thanks Mags, but I'm fine. You just startled me, that's all."
Maggie just raised an eyebrow.
"I'm not the only one who was there, Mags" he continued stubbornly, glaring at her in return, "I don't get to buck off and I sure as hell don't get the right to be spooked. I've got a job to do."
Maggie's other eyebrow raised to join its companion. "As admirable as that is, your patients need you to be at a hundred percent for them. And right now, you're not even close to that, so get your ass in that lounge and take a break before I drag you there myself."
"But I-"
"Uh uh. Lounge. Now."
Sighing heavily, Will stood and walked across the ED to the doctor's lounge with Maggie following close behind. He tried to protest once again when they got inside the cosy room, but the nurse just pushed him down onto the couch and fixed him with a motherly glare.
"You're gonna stay in here until you look halfway healthy enough to go back to work, Red" she ordered, closing the blinds as she spoke before returning and kneeling in front of her friend once more. "I know what you're doing, Will. You're avoiding the situation, forcing yourself not to think about it. But you need to stop and take care of yourself - even if it's just for a fifteen minute power nap, okay?"
Eyes stinging slightly with both tiredness and something else, Will just nodded and groaned as Maggie pushed him sideways onto the couch and grabbed a throw from the spare linen closet.
"Mags, you don't need-" he started, but Maggie swiftly cut him off with a look as she placed the throw over his lower body. As much as he didn't want to be babied right now, Will did have to admit that the soft, heavy material felt good, and he could feel his body go completely lax as the lingering adrenaline finally decided to flee - leaving exhaustion in its wake.
"Yes, I do need" Maggie replied, voice almost a whisper, and Will could hear the smile in her voice even as his eyelids started to fall closed. "I'll come grab you in a bit" she whispered, running a hand through her friend's long red locks before she turned on her heel and left.
Will was fast asleep before she'd even closed the door behind her.
***
He was watching Connor operate elbow deep inside Lily's abdomen, trying frantically to find the source of the bleeding and to stop it. He had to save her, not just because she was a patient and saving patients was what doctors do, but because the crazed madman behind him would shoot his friends if he didn't.
Natalie was beside him, all three of them working as quickly as they could to save the young woman's life, but the sudden squealing of the monitors around them told them they were too late.
"Damn it, come on!" he heard himself yelling, forcing more air into the ET tube; he wasn't going to lose her, especially not when there was more at stake than the girl's life.
"You said you could fix her!" David yelled, anger and desperation colouring his words as he pointed the gun shakily towards them. "You said you would save her!"
"No, I-" he began but then he felt a sudden chill run up his spine as the atmosphere in the room changed completely.
"You did this" David's voice was deeper now, calmer, and a hundred percent more terrifying. The reason why became quickly apparent as out of the shadows came Tommy Bourke; grin as menacing as it was deranged as he held the pistol up in his hand. The gun was pointed straight at the three of them, and he could feel the metal of the barrel pressing into his forehead once more.
"Tommy, please" he begged, forcing his eyes open to stare at his former schoolmate. "Just let them go, okay? Keep me, but let Nat and Connor go" he didn't care that he was begging, he was just hoping, praying, that the other man would listen.
"I told you if you didn't save her you'd all be dead!" David's voice echoed in the darkness around him, before a shot rang out. Flinching and hissing hard at the sound, he was surprised when he opened his eyes again - he was sure he would be dead.
What greeted him was much worse.
Natalie's body lay curled on the floor, a single hole in her forehead and blood pouring onto the lino beneath her. Her beautiful dark hair was quickly becoming matted with her own blood as her eyes - once dark and rich like chocolate - were now staring open, unseeing forevermore.
"Nat! Oh my God, no!"
He tried to rush forward, to get to her, to hold her one last time, but he found himself restrained. Something was holding his arms and legs in place; he couldn't move, the realisation tearing another yell from his throat as he struggled desperately against the invisible bonds.
"David, please!" he cried, ignoring how pathetic he must look before his eyes quickly found Connor's. But Connor's eyes were blank, as if not seeing him either, and the sound of the next shot was drowned out by another of his own anguished cries as the surgeon crumpled to the floor; an identical neat hole in his head.
"NO!"
There was something touching him, holding his arms and legs against whatever surface he was lying on, and he struggled helplessly against their grip. He was writhing, lanky limbs flailing under the grips of whatever was securing him to this spot as his throat felt like it was being torn open with agonised cries.
"-ll? Ho- -isten to me...."
The voices around him weren't making any sense, echoing around the space like he was deep in a chasm. Someone was holding his face, wiping something across his brow and cheeks. The touch burned and he whined and whimpered as he tried - unsuccessfully - to pull away.
"Easy, take it easy man; it's just us!"
The pressure on his arms and legs was suddenly released and he felt himself falling - but not very far, and he certainly felt the crack against the back of his head as his skull obviously collided with something on the way down. There was an audible hiss, but he wasn't entirely sure whether that came from him or not.
Even though he'd managed to free himself from whatever was holding him, he still couldn't move - his limbs were quaking like he'd just finished a marathon and he was panting against the barrage of memories in front of his eyes.
Connor......Natalie.....oh God.....
They're gone....and it's all your fault...
"Will? Sweetie? You with me?"
Maggie?
He couldn't reply; his throat had closed over and he could feel a sob burning to get out. His body responded with a hitched breath and another anguished noise before the overwhelming nausea forced quite a different sound out of his throat.
"Damnit! Ethan, grab me that bin - I think he's gonna be sick."
The hands were back, but this time they were gentle. They rested on his shoulders and kept him upright as he finally lost the battle against his stomach and began heaving into the rubbish bin pressed against his lips. The retches shook his body even more, and he was left gasping and crying by the end of it.
There was another hand now, rubbing up and down his back as the retches swiftly turned to dry-heaves. He knew he should feel safe, but there was something lingering in the back of his mind that there was someone missing.
"Nat? Connor?" he croaked out around heavy breaths, but he knew even before he opened his eyes that the two people beside him weren't them. Instead, he saw Maggie to his right - one hand on his shoulder and the other holding the bin near his mouth - and Ethan to his left - the veteran's eyes flooding with concern and sadness as he took in his friend.
"They're not here-" Ethan began softly, but whatever else he was going to say was cut off by a surprisingly tight grip on his arm and frantic brown eyes desperately searching his own.
"We've gotta find them, they're hurt - he shot them!"
Will tried to push himself to his feet but Ethan's firm hand on his shoulder kept him down even as he struggled weakly against the hold. "Will, just sit for a minute; get your breath back-" he tried, but was once again cut off.
"You don't understand!" the younger doctor cried, more tears gathering in his eyes. "It's all my fault, they got shot and it's my fault and you have to let me save them!"
He saw Ethan and Maggie exchange a look before the nurse put a hand back on Will's chest and murmured quietly "Honey, Connor's in surgery at the moment-"
He didn't hear the rest of her sentence, it was like his mind had completely shut off and prevented him from taking in anything beyond the endlessly repeating he's gone. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone.....
"I can call Nat, she should be home by now" Ethan added hesitantly, attempting to divert Will's spiralling thoughts. But it didn't seem that the redhead had heard him; his head had fallen to his chest and his hands came up to clench in his hair as he muttered "Nonononononono" over and over again.
Ethan had seen PTSD flashbacks before - hell, he'd had plenty himself - but it was always distressing and the tiniest bit awkward when you were on the outside of them with no way of making things better. He should've known that the afternoon's events would have been a trigger for his younger colleague, he realised with a flash of guilt - given that it was only a few months ago that Will had been held hostage with a gun to his head and some madman threatening to kill him. He'd only heard bits and pieces from Jay in the briefing they were given when Will returned from WITSEC, but the parts he'd heard about had to have been unimaginably terrifying for his friend.
Meanwhile, Maggie was sending an urgent text to Connor; get your ass down to the lounge when you get out of surgery. Will needs you.
Barely a minute later, the door was opening and the dark-haired surgeon was there, pulling the surgical cap off his head as he entered. "Maggie? I got your message, what's going on?"
The sight he walked in on wasn't what he'd expected to see: Maggie and Ethan kneeling on the floor next to a clearly anxious and distressed Will - whose head flew up when he heard Connor's voice, and the surgeon could feel his chest tightening painfully at the sight of his friend's expression. His lanky form was curled in on itself, knees being hugged to a hunched chest that quivered with every quick and desperate breath, pale face blotchy and dark eyes streaming with tears.
"Connor?" His voice was so desperate, so hopeful that the dark-haired doctor suddenly had trouble swallowing past the lump in his throat.
Crossing the length of the room to the couch in less than a second, Connor knelt down in front of his friend and put a hand on his shoulder. "Yeah, it's me" he affirmed in a quiet murmur as his own expression took on an undercurrent of sadness. "Oh Will, what's all this about, huh? It's okay, I'm okay."
The next thing he knew he found himself with his arms full of shaking and sobbing redhead, but he quickly let his arms curl around his distraught friend and pulled him into his chest, feeling hot tears falling into the crook of his neck. "I've got you, you're safe, it's alright" and other such reassurances echoed softly from the surgeon's lips as he hugged the redhead tightly - his own eyes stinging at the distress clear in the noises coming from his chest.
Neither of them noticed when Ethan and Maggie silently slipped out of the room, closing the door behind them.
"I would ask what's bothering you, but I think I can take a pretty good guess" Connor mused softly once they were alone, smiling sadly at the wet laugh he got in response. "I'm sorry, man - we shouldn't have just assumed you were okay."
Will sniffled quietly and rubbed a hand across his eyes. "I thought I was" he whispered, voice shot from his earlier cries. "But you had to get to your next surgery; that patient needed you more than I did."
Connor frowned. "Maybe" he agreed, even if that acknowledgement didn't do anything for the guilt in his gut. "But the others should've made sure you were okay before letting you go back to work, it's like they just forgot what happened a few months ago!"
He could feel Will tense in his arms at that and Connor tightened his hug in response, upper body starting to rock gently from side to side as his hand started instinctively rubbing circles on his friend's back. "Sorry" he murmured apologetically, "it's not you I'm mad at."
"No, I'm sorry" Will replied in a miserable whisper, pulling back and wiping his eyes with a shaking hand. "I shouldn't be like this, it happened ages ago; I shouldn't still be-"
"Be what?" Connor questioned, forcing his friend's chin up with his fingers. "Will, you went through something really traumatic a few months ago, something that would screw with anybody. What happened today, that'd screw with anybody's head - especially if it had happened before."
Will was still refusing to meet his eyes, keeping his dark-eyed gaze fixed determinedly on his hands which were fiddling with the hem of his scrubs top.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one is expecting you to be okay - hell, we'd be more concerned if you were okay after what happened - but just remember that you don't have to go through this alone, alright?"
"You're okay, though."
It was said so quietly, so muffled by the thickness of the other man's voice that Connor almost didn't hear it. He sighed and put both his hands on Will's shivering shoulders. "I'm not, trust me I'm not" he assured, half-smiling as the redhead's eyes flew up to meet his own in surprise. One of the surgeon's hands shifted to cup the back of the younger doctor's neck, "I'm probably gonna have nightmares of my own later, but right now I'm not here for me, I'm here for you, and you're not okay."
Almost as if those words were some sort of permission, Connor wasn't at all surprised when he felt another few tears drop onto his arm and the other man all but collapsed forward into his chest, tears returning with fervour and cries that followed just as quickly.
They had no idea how much time passed with them both sitting on the floor of the lounge, but it took a while for Will's breathing to finally settle and for Connor to reach over for the box of tissues on the coffee table beside them. Pulling one out, he held it in front of his friend's dripping nose. "Blow" he commanded softly.
"Thanks" Will whispered croakily - voice almost completely gone now.
"What I'm here for" Connor assured with a gentle smile, shifting as he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket for the second time that afternoon. Pulling it out, he chuckled when he saw who it was from.
Maggie: Goodwin's cleared you both for the rest of the day. Take our boy home, and for God's sake, Rhodes: make sure both of you get some rest!
Connor couldn't help but smile as he read the text: Maggie really was a protective mother bear at heart, and they all loved her fiercely for it. He showed the text to Will, who grumbled good-naturedly about having eaten earlier and that Maggie shouldn't worry so much (Connor just gave him a knowing smile). Standing off the floor at last, he held out a hand to help his friend to his feet. After a brief second, Will took it with a shy curl of his lips and they walked together out of the ED, more than ready to put this whole mess behind them.
*****
END
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