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There’s been so much happening over the last few months that Buck can be forgiven for feeling like things are falling from under his feet. He almost lost Eddie - again - and he can still feel the blood over his face and lips and chest every time he closes his eyes. It was easy for a while to pretend - with Taylor, mistaking sex for love, pretending she was what he wanted when really she was like a band aid, papering over all his cracks. Because if he had someone at home to go to, someone that was his, he didn’t have to deal with the fact that losing Eddie made him want to tear his skin off a cell at a time. That not talking to Eddie about the shooting and the will made his head pound and his heart race. And it was easier to pull away than admit that what he was feeling wasn’t really what he was supposed to feel about his best friend.
The looks drove him crazy, the way the Eddie was still so sweet and caring, but there was a Taylor shaped wedge between them that only grew wider and wider and that pushed distance in the only true, lasting relationship Buck had ever known.
It was no shock, really, that his relationship with Taylor was doomed even before it started but at least when he had that, he could hide behind her and it and pretend to everyone that he wasn’t about ready to shatter into tiny pieces. And when he actually thought about it and broke up with Taylor, he hadn’t even got that safety net anymore.
It’s like a massive hole in his chest. He’s not really talking to anyone. Chim and Maddie are still not back and he’s missing them so much, not being able to just offload to his sister is something he’s gotten used to doing since she’s been back and now he can’t, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. And Hen’s great, but she has her mom and Karen and Denny and her medical school stuff to worry about. Bobby, maybe he could talk to Bobby, but there’s always that sliver of fear that Bobby’s not really his dad, maybe he doesn’t want to hear about Buck’s problems. And he can’t talk to Eddie. Not when the first thing that Eddie tries to do is avoid anything that could remotely be described as personal. Not when he’s scared beyond belief that talking about one thing will lead to an avalanche of everything coming out and he can’t lose Eddie. It doesn’t matter that they’re not the same as they were, they’re still friends, even if it’s not the same, not at all, not like they used to be, he’s still around and Buck can’t lose him. He just can’t. And letting everything out, about the shooting, the will, the hostage situation, Ana, Taylor, god, Buck knows it’s only going to go one way and he doesn’t think he’s ready to deal with the fallout.
So he can plaster on a smile, pretend he’s happy and not cracking at the seams. And no one can tell any difference, right, so it must be working?
At least, he thinks that until the day Eddie corners him in the locker room. He’s nervous, his eyes darting around but not actually meeting Buck’s and his hands are twisting together, but it’s the first time in ages he’s sought him out and Buck needs him to be the one to start talking about the things they can’t before they both crumble into little pieces.
“Can we talk?” Eddie starts and Buck has to stop and just stare at him because this is the last thing they’ve done in months, they’ve not spoken about anything and Eddie is notoriously bad with putting his feelings into words.
“About what?”
“Not here. Maybe later? You could come round?”
Buck’s not sure why now is the time Eddie wants to talk, but he can’t bear it. It’s been so long since he’s been close enough to see the flecks of gold in Eddie’s eyes, trace that damn freckle under his eye with his gaze and he feels like there’s still the biggest gulf between them. He’s alone, he’s tired, he’s sad and he’s fed up. He’s never had to pretend with Eddie, Eddie sees him as he is and has always seemed to like him, at least, until everything went wrong. And so he can’t help the bite in his voice when he finally manages to reply. “You actually still want me around? What about Christopher? I’ve not seen him for ages, are you sure you want to invite me?”
Eddie looks shocked, his hands trembling more than ever. “Evan…”
“No,” Buck spits it out, along with all the black, oily hurt that resides inside his chest for what they’ve lost. “No. You don’t get to Evan me, not after you gave me guardianship of Chris and then didn’t talk to me about it for months. Not when it’s only me and Christopher and you’re dead.”
“I… Buck… I,” Eddie stammers and he looks so lost, moving until he can almost touch Buck’s arm and he wants it so badly, but he can’t let himself have it, not when he’s almost ready to break apart. “Please…”
“I can’t do this,” Buck states, slamming his locker and moving away from the heat of Eddie’s hand, even if he just wants to sink into him. “Maybe later, right? Or maybe you’ll say you want to speak to me and then we’ll just avoid everything again and pretend we’re ok, when we know we’re not. Ask me at the end of the shift? See if you still want me to come around to talk when we actually have time to do it.”
He’s shaking, when he moves away. He knows he shouldn’t have snapped, not really. He knows Eddie’s been going through so much. He got shot, he almost died, and half of the reason why he’s been so sharp is because it’s killing him inside, the idea that he could have to live without Eddie. And he hates that he’s putting this onto him and how he feels, he knows they’re both to blame, neither of them have spoken about this, both of them have been hurt. But this, this avoidance of the whole issue, the way that Eddie was just about ready to leave him and didn’t even talk to him, the fact that he’s never been able to get rid of the fact that he loves him and he’s not loved back in the way he’s always wanted, just makes him so upset he doesn’t know how else to deal with it. And he has no one to talk to or hide behind anymore.
So he puts a fake smile on his face and avoids Eddie as much as he can, for as long as he can.
Because if he doesn’t, he’s going to break into pieces and he can’t do that, not when they’re on shift and not when Eddie looks so sad and so small, and not when he’s not able to love Buck the way he wants him to.
They’re still off kilter when they go out on the last call of the night, a five alarm fire that has Buck biting on his lips with nervous anticipation. It’s an apartment block, with flames licking out of a window on the second floor and there’s people trapped in the block. There’s a number of appliances on the scene already, and Bobby nods at Eddie and Buck to suit up and try to get up there and evacuate as many people as possible. They still work well together, the unease in whatever is happening to them in their personal lives not yet making waves in their professional lives, and Eddie claps him on the shoulder and Buck pretends like he can’t feel it through the layers of his suit.
It’s a blessing to have Eddie nearby, because the fire is one of the worst he’s seen. It’s hot and smoky and they find people who can be saved and those that they have to tag and leave and he hates doing it to every single one of them. Working together, they manage to clear the last three apartments on the floor, getting the occupants outside safely.
“Have we got time for one more pass?” he asks Bobby and when he gets a nod, he nudges Eddie and they go in for a last time. It’s gotten worse inside, he can barely see in front of his own arm and he has to use his other senses to help them battle through the flames. In the end, it’s that which actually helps him to work out what is happening.
The creaking around them starts off innocuously, the normal sound of wood and structures burning. But then there’s a louder crack and Buck stops where he’s standing, looking around, all of his senses on high alert. It’s not right, it doesn’t sound right and he can just tell something is going on.
Eddie realises he’s not behind him and turns towards him and it all happens so fast that Buck can’t really think past Eddie can’t get hurt, Christopher needs his dad, it doesn’t matter about anything that’s been said because it’s Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. There’s a loud noise, like part of a mountain caving when there’s an avalanche, or thunder echoing around and they both look up to see the large ceiling beam breaking away and falling towards them. Towards Eddie.
Buck moves on instinct, his hands reach for Eddie’s chest and he pushes, so hard he can see Eddie stumble, almost fall over and then there’s pain, so much pain, and nothing else.
He’s floating, he can hear things but he can’t open his eyes or speak or anything. What’s going on?
Buck, Evan, I’m here, I’m getting you out
Cap, I need help now, I can’t get this off him alone
Buck, Buck, I’m here, I’m here, stay with me, please, come on now. You’re ok, you’re going to be fine, I promise. I’m not going anywhere. I love you. Come on, Evan, come on.
He’s breathing still, Hen, do something
Buck, Buck, no, no, please….
Pain.
That’s the first thing he’s aware of, even though it’s muted, like he’s on something to help numb himself. But he’s alive, surely, because if he was dead, he’d have no pain at all?
He can’t feel anything apart from pain, he can’t feel his legs, his arms, his head, his chest, anything and he can feel the panic starting because why can’t he feel anything. He remembers what happened after the crush injury and tries to take deep breaths, and think about his limbs to get them back to his body. His chest comes first, as he thinks about breathing, his ribs hurt, his side hurts, but he can at least know they’re there. His head next, his throat sore like he’s been intubated, his eyes still glued shut and it feels like too much to even try to open them right now. He tries to work out where his arms and legs are, and the panic rises when he can’t feel his leg, the one that was crushed years ago. His arms feel heavy and he can’t move his right hand at all, it’s trapped in something tightly. Fuck, what’s happened to him, has he broken so many bones? Or worse?
He’s desperate to look so he forces his eyes open a fraction, bright white light flooding his vision and making him want to slam his eyes shut again. But he doesn’t, trying to look around without moving his head much at all because even that hurts. He’s in hospital, no surprise there really. His legs are there, he can see the outline of them in the bed under the stark white sheets, but he doesn’t even want to try to move just in case. One arm is raised, in a cast up to his shoulder and the other hand, the one that’s trapped, he can’t move at all. As he turns his head, the door cracks open and a nurse appears, smiling when she sees he’s awake.
“Hello,” she says, her voice low as she approaches him. “How are you feeling?”
“Ok,” Buck croaks out, and she smiles again and reaches for a glass of water with a straw. “What's wrong with me?”
“You’re very lucky, Mr Buckley. I’ll get the doctor to come in and talk to you when you’re more awake, but you will be fine, in time. And I’m sure your husband will be there every step of the way to help.”
Buck wants to ask, his mind whirling, but instead he turns slowly to where she’s gesturing to find the reason he can’t move his hand is because there’s a head of dark hair pressed against his wrist, his fingers clasped tightly in Eddie’s hand as he sleeps, so close against Buck’s hand he can now feel the slight breeze of his breathing.
Turning back to the nurse, he tries to speak, but she doesn’t let him, obviously wanting him to save his voice. “He’s been here all along, barely left your side, it’s so clear how much he loves you. Your son has been in too, left you a beautiful card. They’ll be so pleased you’re awake. Let me get the doctor, he’ll be able fill you in more,” and with one last smile, she bustles out of the room, leaving Buck alone and flabbergasted with his ‘husband’.
He’s not sure what to do, but he flexes his fingers slowly now he knows they’re still attached to his body and the reason why he couldn’t move them is because there’s a 6 foot man bent over them and the minute they move, Eddie gives a grunt and wakes up, his head shooting upwards and his eyes meeting Buck’s.
He looks terrible, his eyes red rimmed and his face pale, stubble over his cheeks and jaw, but he also looks beautiful and they stare at each other until Eddie makes a gasping noise. “You’re awake,” he whispers and he doesn’t even make to move his hand away from Buck’s. “You’re finally awake,” and then he bows his head and Buck can see the tears shining on his eyelashes.
There’s a flurry of activity, the doctor comes in and talks to Buck about what’s happened to him, the nurses come in and take his vitals and Eddie doesn’t let go of him once, not even when they’re trying to take his blood pressure. He gets the idea that this is the norm now, by the soft glances the nurses share. The doctor's news isn’t so good, though, better than what he’d first thought when he woke up, but the way Eddie’s lips tighten show how scared he must have been. He was crushed by a beam in the apartment, and it took five firefighters to lift it off him, sending him into shock immediately. He’s broken his pelvis, bruised his spine badly and suffered broken ribs, one of which punctured his lung. Internal bleeding caused by a crushed chest, a broken collarbone, concussion, the list goes on and on and Buck’s head is swimming by the time the doctor tells him that if he is getting better, he’ll be out of hospital in a few days because his husband can look after him at home. He says nothing until the room has cleared and then turns his head slowly to look at Eddie.
“Husband?” he gets out and Eddie’s face changes into something complicated, a half smile half grimace that Buck hates seeing on him.
“I had to tell them something, so I could stay. And we’re still each other’s emergency contacts, it wasn’t hard to convince them I’m in love with you when it must be written over every single inch of my face,” he retorts. And then there’s silence and Buck can hear the sound of his heart monitor ticking up because it’s one thing to hear the words when he was dying, and another to hear them when he’s alive and in hospital and in no danger of making them up.
“Love?” he manages to get out and when Eddie looks up at him, there’s tears in his eyes and Buck wants to reach for him so badly. He makes a shuffle motion, but he’s only got one working arm at the moment and his ribs are screaming and he has to stop, but Eddie moves, until he can slide his good hand up his arm towards his shoulder.
“Yeah,” Eddie says, on a shaky exhale. “We’ve got so much to talk about, Buck, I need to tell you so many things. We should wait until you’re better. But yes, I love you. I’m in love with you and I was so scared to tell you that I just hid behind everything and then I almost lost you anyway and I don’t want you to not know any longer. I love you.”
“I love you too,” Buck whispers as he finally manages to get his hand around Eddie’s neck and pull him closer. “So much, you idiot, so much.”
Eddie drops his head until their foreheads touch and he’s crying, as he clutches gently to Buck and Buck closes his eyes, feels the heartbeat under his cheek and can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks too.
“Stay?” he asks and Eddie looks at him, his eyes red rimmed but beautiful and nods.
When Buck wakes up again, he feels much better. The pain is a better level, his body feeling more like his own. He knows there’ll be a long road to recovery ahead of him, but he feels a lot more positive about how he feels today. And when he turns his head this time, much easier than before, it’s to see that Eddie is curled up next to him in the bed, his arms carefully around Buck and his face tilted towards him on the pillow. He looks less distraught as well, his face relaxed as he sleeps and Buck wants to wake him up to check he didn’t dream about everything that happened when he first came around.
He can’t move much, his arm in the cast is still immobilised and his other hand is caught in Eddie’s grasp, so he wriggles closer and presses a soft kiss against Eddie’s jaw. Eddie makes a soft noise and his fingers tighten around Buck’s and then he’s awake, his eyes blinking at Buck’s as they gaze at each other.
Words aren't Eddie’s strong point, Buck knows that, even if he also knows Eddie promised him a talk, but he’s not expecting the way Eddie’s face crinkles into a happy smile, how he trails one hand lightly over Buck’s cheek and birthmark and then leans in slowly. He’s giving Buck time to say no, to stop him, but he doesn’t want to. When their lips meet, it’s soft and slow and so gentle, Eddie’s lips grazing his lightly and then deepening slightly as he kisses him like he’s precious, and Buck gasps against his lips and feels like he’s coming home.
“We need to talk,” Eddie whispers as he breaks the kiss, into the scant space between their lips. “Because I love you and I want this to be real, but I can’t stop thinking about how hurt we’ve both been and how much hurt I’ve caused you and I want to explain things to you before we start this.”
“I hurt you too,” Buck points out and Eddie shrugs, almost like his pain doesn’t matter and Buck wishes he has both hands working so he can grab him and shake him. “You want to talk now? I’m feeling better and to be honest, I’d like to kiss you again.”
“You can ask for kisses whenever you want,” Eddie teases lightly, and then stays true to his word by leaning back in and brushing a soft kiss to Buck’s lips. “I’ll never stop wanting to give you things, Evan, never. And I guess that’s where we went wrong? Because I gave you something so dear and then never actually talked to you about it and it changed us. And for that, I’m so sorry.”
“I never spoke to you either. After you got shot, I didn’t know what to say…”
“I couldn’t bring it up either,” Eddie says, stroking his thumb so gently over Buck’s birthmark he thinks he’s going to cry. “Because if I did, I’d have to talk about how much I loved you and I couldn’t, not then. I don’t think either of us were in the right space to talk about that, you had a girlfriend, I was trying to pretend everything was ok, and then if we’d sat and spoken about how the shooting had gone, I’d have not been able to hold anything back. And I was scared, Evan. Scared of losing you, scared of losing myself in the memories, scared of admitting to myself what I really wanted.”
“I thought you’d died, all I could see and taste for weeks afterwards was your blood, how much it hurt leaving you even though I was going to Christopher, Eddie, it was the worst time of my life.”
“And yet, you were there for Christopher when we both needed you. You never let me down, at all, Evan. And I meant what I said, when you told me it would have been better if you’d been the one shot. Because it wouldn’t have been. You’re too precious to Christopher- well, to me, I mean - and if you had died, we’d never recover from that. I didn’t know everything that happened that day, I still don’t remember everything, but you do, and not talking about it meant we both kept things hidden inside. I’m going back to therapy, maybe you should come with me? We could go together, because as hard as it is, I think we need to listen to what happened to each other. And the will…”
“Did we pull apart from each other because we couldn’t deal with losing each other? Because all I could think about after you told me about the will was you dying and not being around and I could cope with that Eddie, I just couldn’t cope with the idea of you not being around…”
He’s crying, tears pooling in his eyes and running down his cheeks, wetting the pillow below his head and he half expects Eddie to get up and leave him, he’s broken, he’s bruised and battered, he’s exhausting. But Eddie’s crying too, quietly beside him and all he does is shuffle forwards. He’s careful of the wires and Buck’s injuries, but he wipes his thumb carefully over Buck’s cheek, replacing it with his lips to kiss away the tears. His other hand lands on Buck’s waist, sliding his fingers slightly under the gown he’s wearing so he can push small, gentle circles onto the skin underneath. He doesn’t speak for a while, his throat working as they stare at each other, but Buck suddenly gets it, gets everything that Eddie has been trying to say for months.
He’s never going to leave.
“I’m sorry,” he eventually manages to whisper, his breath catching on Buck’s cheeks and lips. “I’m sorry for making you think that. I couldn’t say the words I wanted to back then. I tried to tell you. I gave you my heart, my world. To share with me, to trust, to look after. Because, Evan, it’s always been yours, my heart and my son. Both of them have always been in your hands. It just took me a while to realise just how you were holding them both.”
“And it didn’t help that I tried to hold onto something I didn’t really want, but didn’t think I could do without,” Buck says, reaching for Eddie carefully in turn, “I pulled away from you, I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m sorry, too, so sorry.”
“I think we needed the space, to make sure we knew what we both wanted,” Eddie says, and he nuzzles his nose against Buck’s, then against his cheek and then slowly kisses him, pouring all his love into the gestures. “And I know we’ve both been hurt and we’ve both been through a lot, but from now on, can we do it together?”
“Yeah,” Buck gasps and then tilts his head for a proper kiss, that Eddie gives willingly, still being so mindful of Buck that he feels like he’s precious for the first time in ages. “Yeah, I want that, please.”
“And you’re coming home with me,” Eddie leaves no room for arguments. “Both me and Christopher want you with us when you’re recovering. So don’t even try to argue.”
Buck laughs a little, finds Eddie’s lips against his again and sighs into a beautifully soft kiss, Eddie catching his bottom lip between his own and sucking softly on it.
They lie there, trading kisses until Buck can’t, too worn out and then all Eddie does is pull him close and close his eyes. He pillows his head against Eddie’s shoulder and lets his good hand curl in his shirt and for the first time, he feels safe and secure. He knows he’s got a lot of things he still needs to talk about, his reaction to Eddie being shot, the way the will made him feel, how he tried to hide everything he was feeling and the abandonment issues in a dead end relationship, how he pushed everyone away. But for now, knowing that Eddie loves him and is not going anywhere, even through a hard recovery period, he’s content to close his eyes and let sleep overtake him.