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2022-01-30
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To Love You Through Color

Summary:

Carlos can tell he doesn’t feel good, worn out from the earlier tests and overwhelmed by it all. He leans forward, gripping the blanket between his fingers and holding it up just enough to peek at TK curled up underneath. He smiles at him in hopes that it still brings him comfort the way it used to, the little one he receives in return leaves hope tattooed on his ribcage and expanding with each breath. “I’ll do my best, okay?”

Or: A Tarlos Recovery fic ahead of 3x04

Work Text:

TK wakes up on a Saturday, afternoon light scattering dust particles like pixie dust in the golden glow of sunset breaking through the blinds and painting the moment in warm relief and magic-tinted happiness.

“TK?”

The prettiest shade of green blinks back at him, the kind that people spend their entire life savings to see in the leaves of tropical places or the grass of rolling hills, and Carlos aches with the memory of bargaining with God to take everything he has left except for the world’s most beautiful shade of green right here in Texas.

“Hey,” his voice breaks with the way he stumbles out of the chair to hover near the bed. Trembling fingers latch onto the handrail, too afraid to hold onto unstable things. “You with me?”

The question nicks at this throat, sharp implications beyond the physical leaving his mouth dry at the reminder that TK hasn’t been with him long before they met here at the ledge of any future they have left.

TK’s head bobs against the pillow tugging the ventilator tube across his chest as he does so, which he must feel before the intrusiveness of the tube itself because he raises a hand to bat at the drag across his sternum, unsteady fingers following the trail of it up to all the things holding it firm in his mouth. His eyes widen, the green of them diluted with panic as he finds Carlos hovering up above him.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Carlos’ hands wrap around TK’s wrists before he thinks better of it, the flinch he feels underneath his fingers becomes another chunk of their future falling out from beneath their feet. He holds on tighter, not enough to hurt, not ever, but enough to keep them on the crumbling edge just a little bit longer. “It’s okay,” he says, and maybe for the first time in a while it feels like it could be true. “It’s alright, Ty. The nurses are coming. Just relax, you’re okay.”

A few seconds later, he’s pushed from the room by a nurse he’s come to know rather well over the past couple of weeks. She’s kind, voice quiet in the cacophony of the ICU and hands gentle around all the medical instruments that leave Carlos’ stomach tied up in knots. Her fingers are cold against his forearm as she guides him to the door and he tells her as such when she leaves him in the threshold. “Please, he’s…he’s dealt with enough of the cold,” as if the chill of her skin will be the thing that breaks TK completely. The absurdity of it doesn’t quite reach his ears, his worry too loud as it flutters around his ribcage to notice. “Your hands are too cold.”

She smiles at him, the sadness of it evident in the fluorescent lighting, and rubs her palms back and forth across the thighs of her scrubs as quick as the flurry of movement of the other nurses and doctors behind her. She takes two steps to cross back over to where he’s still hovering in the doorway and presses newly warmed skin against his hands as she gives them a reassuring squeeze. “He’s in good hands,” she says before letting go and walking back across the room.

Carlos spends the next thirty minutes wondering if she meant his hands or hers.

————————

“What are you doing?”

The lump under the rough stitching of the hospital blanket gives a little wiggle, the light blue of it mimicking small ripples of water when TK pokes his head out from under it causing it to fall around his shoulders.

“Hiding,” is the stuffy response, muffled by mucus and the way TK brings the corner of the cover up to his mouth.

Carlos narrows his eyes, failing to hide his amusement when TK ducks back under the safety of his blanket when the click of heels in the hallway begin to crescendo in their direction. “Should I ask or claim plausible deniability?”

“Protect me,” TK asks instead and Carlos sinks down into one of the bedside chairs just as the nurse making her rounds stops at the room next door, the sound of her no nonsense voice seeping through the walls.

In the two weeks that TK’s been out of the ICU, newly acquired Nurse Margaret has undeniably been TK’s least favorite person to deal with. She’s not necessarily mean, but her bedside manner is the worst out of the rotation by a landslide. Carlos checks his watch, the time of the afternoon telling him that TK’s already been through his breathing treatments and numerous tests for the day so she must be coming to check vitals and get him up for his daily walk around the nurse’s station.

The few times Carlos has been here for Nurse Margaret’s brand of supervised daily activity is reason enough to prepare himself to fight her on it today. Even if TK hadn’t asked, Carlos can tell he doesn’t feel good, worn out from the earlier tests and overwhelmed by it all. He leans forward, gripping the blanket between his fingers and holding it up just enough to peek at TK curled up underneath. He smiles at him in hopes that it still brings him comfort the way it used to, the little one he receives in return leaves hope tattooed on his ribcage and expanding with each breath. “I’ll do my best, okay?”

TK isn’t given a chance to respond, Nurse Margaret’s rough voice cutting across the carved out comfort between them as she steps into the room. “Oh boy, are we having a day?”

Carlos winces at her, knowing she’s not being condescending but always in a hurry to do the task at hand and little else, leaving her coming across as unsympathetic. TK’s head appears behind a wave of blue blanket as he reveals himself to his fate, laying there like a puppet with its strings cut as Margaret taps her finger against one of the monitors.

“He’s not feeling the best, worn out from today,” he says, swallowing hard against the way TK doesn’t even look at them as they speak across the bed.

“Well, nature of healing and all that,” she shrugs, going about her ministrations, TK pliant underneath her quick hands. “Still need to take that walk though. Don’t want pneumonia.”

TK’s eyes close, resigning himself to the unbearable way Margaret will parade him around the circle in the hall while clinically explaining everything still wrong with him. Carlos rests his hand over TK’s, thumb swiping back and forth just below the edge of tape holding an IV there.

“About that…” Carlos trails off when Margaret’s sharp eyes land on him, swallowing nervously before remembering that he’s encountered way worse people on the job to negotiate with. “If I can get him up to standing, would it be okay if we just walked around here for the same length of time? Just to…give him a little break today. You could…you could come back to check on him once you finished your rounds?”
She scoffs at first, making TK’s hand tighten around the tips of Carlos’ fingers, but she seems to soften at the quiet, “Please,” TK offers up to her as she lowers the bed railing on the side.

She maneuvers him to sitting on the side of the bed, a bit slower than Carlos has normally seen her do it and brings the IV pole closer so that TK can hold on to it as he walks. “If I come back in here and you’re not standing up, Officer Reyes will get his visitation hours docked. Understood?”

TK nearly pitches backward on the bed with how quickly he raises his head to nod in agreement, but Carlos steadies him as he comes to stand next to him. “Yes, ma’am,” TK says, voice hoarse around the words.

“Up and at ‘em,” Margaret claps as she turns to leave and once they can hear her bossing around the patient next door Carlos pats TK’s back in between the ties of the gown offering up his own, “You heard her. Up and at ‘em, tiger.”

“Stop it,” TK groans with a laugh that putters into a cough and leaves him leaning his head against Carlos’ stomach as he catches his breath. “Thank you though for…protecting me.”

 

Carlos’ hand slides against the bumps of TK’s spine poking out between the slit in the standard issued hospital attire and shrugs, “Protect and serve. It’s literally in my job description.”

“Yeah.”

Carlos drops a tentative kiss to the crown of TK’s head knowing they’re not quite back together but getting there. “Yeah, but I’m always going to want to protect you and that’s got nothing to do with the badge.”

TK’s hand feels warm against his skin when he runs it down the length of his arm, stopping at the wrist in order to press a kiss there with chapped lips that still soothes Carlos anyway.

“Come on, she might burst through the wall like the Kool-Aide man if you’re not standing in the next thirty seconds.”

TK barks out a laugh, the cough at the end worth it just to see him smile, and with Carlos’ help gets to his feet. They pace around the room for a few minutes, the squeak of the wheels on the IV pole the only other sound in the room louder than TK’s breath. He eventually pauses at the window, staring out at the city no longer blanketed in snow. The sunset beats heavy against glass windows of taller buildings in the distance and TK sighs wistfully.

“I miss the sun,” TK admits, dropping his forehead against the window and shivering with disappointment when the glass is cold. “And heat in general.”

Carlos steps away to grab the blue blanket from the bed, wondering if it would feel warmer if it were yellow like the sun. He files that thought away for later, mentally adding it to his shopping list for the next time he finds himself in a store that sells bedding, and crosses back over to TK. He drapes the cover around his shoulders, steadying him when he lets go of the IV pole for a second to adjust it around his arms.

“Thanks,” TK says around a smile that barely touches the edges of the dark circles under his eyes. “You can let me lay back down, you know.”

“Not a chance, you heard her,” Carlos says with a shake of his head.
“Yeah, but I mean then you’d …you know…you wouldn’t have to feel…obligated or something to be here all the time if she kicked you out,” TK offers, eyes landing everywhere but Carlos and maybe a few weeks ago when TK’s life was still swirling the drain and all the dancing around each other they did after it wasn’t, Carlos would have taken it at face value and believed TK didn’t want him here.

Now though, Carlos turns the younger man towards him, away from the cold window, the sun he can’t yet feel on his skin, and tugs at the corners of the blankets until TK lets them go. He takes a step forward, crowding into TK’s space and wraps them both in the blanket, offering the only warmth he can for right now, silently vowing to be there for all the rest when it comes.

“As long as you’re here, that’s where I want to be too,” Carlos whispers within the cocoon of blue threads and the faint smell of hospital clinging to TK’s skin. Arms wrap around his waist and squeeze him with a strength that’s slowly returning every day as TK drops his head against his shoulder while they gently sway side to side.

“Can I tell you something?” TK asks, warm breath ghosting across Carlos’ neck so reassuringly that there’s nothing in the world that the older man could possibly deny him.

“Anything.”

TK swallows a nervousness that Carlos hasn’t been on the receiving end since the very beginning. “I still love you. I never stopped.”

Carlos feels flushed with warmth at the words, deciding maybe it’s not the color of a blanket that makes it warm but who you share it with instead. “I’ve always loved you and I’m going to for as long as you’ll let me.”

——————————

It’s almost two months before TK’s allowed to go home. Air warm with the beginning of spring and gardens of daffodils nearly ready to bloom. He goes to Owen’s house, the place he lived before the hospital felt like his permanent residence, but it still feels wrong. Maybe it’s the way Carlos’ bed still isn’t warm on the other side or the lack of sneakers haphazardly sitting by the front door for him to trip over on his way to work, or maybe it’s because he still feels guilty that home isn’t something the two of them share anymore.

A week and a half passes under constant mother-henning and supervision before Owen and Gwyn realize they’re holding their son hostage. Carlos takes their questions and concerns with straight shoulders and steady answers, TK’s hand in his gripping tight and warm, and at the end of it they walk hand in hand across the threshold of the apartment they picked out together after the fire all those months ago and call it home.

It’s an adjustment if only because TK’s schedule revolves around breathing treatments, antibiotics, doctors appointments and the lingering drowsiness from it all, but they make it work because neither of them want anything else except for where they’re headed. They have plenty of disguised support, Grace coming over to sit with TK while Carlos is at work under the guise of letting her daughter spend time with her uncle, Andrea dropping in to help meal prep for the week while Carlos makes sure TK doesn’t wear himself out in the shower after doing the minimal exercises he’s allowed to do.

Their front door never seems to stay closed, friends and family coming and going at all times of the day. They’re both grateful for when they’re here and grateful when they’re not, especially on nights that they’re both a little strung out from the day and barely holding it together. If they’ve learned anything over the past few months it’s that when they’re together they don’t have to hold anything but each other.

It’s why when Carlos shuffles through the door after a grueling shift to find TK standing at the kitchen counter staring down at his full case of medicine for the day, he drops his duffle bag by the door and walks over to wrap him in a hug from behind. TK leans back into the embrace, hands coming up to run gently over his arms as Carlos stares down at the box. It’s an ugly transparent yellow, the six different pills inside looking more dreadful than they have any right to given how much they’re helping TK recover.

“Baby,” Carlos chides with a gentle kiss to the shell of his ear. “You have to take them.”

“They make me feel nauseous and your mom made the soup I like when she stopped by earlier. I would like to enjoy it,” TK groans while wiggling out of his hold.

“It’s only four,” Carlos counters, moving around the kitchen to get TK a glass of water. “Take them now and we’ll have a late dinner once you feel up to it.”

TK takes the glass of water but swallows the pills dry. “Aren’t you starving? Your lunch break was hours ago. Sit down and I’ll heat some up for you.”

“I can do it,” Carlos assures, but lets TK guide him to their dining table without a fuss anyway. He drops into the chair, legs giving out halfway down and rests his head on the table, nearly purring when TK’s hand cards through his curls.

TK laughs when he bends down to leave a kiss against the back of his head. “I know you can, but you don’t have to.”

“Love you,” Carlos mumbles because he can’t bring himself to miss one more opportunity, big or small, to make sure TK knows it.

“More than I did yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow,” TK finishes what has become their little saying at the end of the day, before going to piddle around the kitchen for soup.

Carlos must doze off because the next thing he knows, TK is sitting beside him at the table and nudging him awake, nodding his head at the steaming bowl of his mother’s soup in front of him. He frowns at the single bowl and finds TK’s hand under the table with his own, offering comfort in a gentle squeeze. “The medicine kicked in?”

TK nods, fingers tapping out a rhythm against the back of Carlos’ hand as he settles back in his chair. A few bites in, as if TK wanted to make sure he had a moment to just settle into the warmth of the soup, of his hand still in his, of their home, he finally asks Carlos about his day.

He tells him about the things that stand out, the good, the bad, the things he wished were different, the things he’s grateful were not, like coming home to this. TK blushes into Carlos’ shoulder when he rests his head there and begins to return the conversation. Once the soup is gone, TK insists on washing up the bowl and tidying up the kitchen while Carlos goes to wash off the day. He hurries in the shower, thankful the days are long gone where he had to stand under the hot spray until it turned cold because there was no other source of warmth in the house except the heat blowing through the vents. But now he’s eager to get back to TK, to curl up together on the couch and just be.

He finds TK standing over the sink, rocking back and forth ever so slowly, shoulders expanding with deep, controlled breaths. “Babe? You okay?”
“Y-yeah,” TK assures between clenched teeth, purposefully exhaling through his nose at what Carlos can tell is an awful wave of nausea. He rubs comfort into the small of TK’s back, catching sight of the ugly pale yellow pill box on the counter and putting it back in the cabinet above their heads so it’s out of sight.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Carlos kisses his shoulder and waits with TK as the last waves of nausea roll through him. When the younger man stretches up from his hunched position over the sink, Carlos leads him past the couch and over to the stairs.

“Where we going?” TK mumbles, following closely as they ascend the stairs.

Carlos takes them to the bedroom and shuts the door, plopping down onto the mattress with a sigh and patting TK’s side of the bed. “Right here.”

TK’s face scrunches with guilt as he slowly climbs onto the mattress and lays on his side to face Carlos. “You know the medicine makes it…I can’t really do anything fun at the moment.”

Carlos laughs, the bed bouncing as his shoulders shake with it until he tugs TK to him. “You’re not the only one. I’m way too exhausted. I just meant to sleep.”

“It’s six-thirty in the afternoon.”

“And we don’t have any plans for the next forty-eight hours, we’re both not feeling our best, we’ve got the perfect bed, we’ve got each other,” he lists, hugging TK to him ever so slightly for emphasis on the last point. “Need anymore reasons as to why we can’t just lay here with each other for as long as we want?”

TK smiles up at him, eyes dull with effects of the pills in the ugly pale yellow box but no less beautiful. “Maybe just one more.”

Carlos kisses him sloppy, getting the desired reaction when TK squirms with laughter and all the trouble of the day fades away to nothing. “Alright, Tyler Kennedy, I guess I can come up with one more,” he adds, chuckling when TK pinches him at the use of his full name.

“What is it?” TK plays along, settling back into Carlos’ embrace.

“I love you more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.”

As Carlos falls asleep, he once again thinks there’s no way he could possibly love TK anymore than he does right now and each tomorrow he’s proven wrong.

—————————

When Carlos left a pile of reports yet to be filed on his desk when he left to grab a bite to eat at the sandwich shop across the street, he expected that to be the only thing he found upon his return. But as he’s so very often reminded, he’s the luckiest guy in Texas, so when he rounds the corner of the bullpen in the precinct, he finds TK spinning slowly around in his chair and the stack of reports exactly where he left them.

“Not another bar fight,” he teases, unable to keep his grin from spreading across his entire face when TK drops his feet to the floor to stop the chair from spinning and Carlos catches sight of a bright orange, plastic jack o’ lantern sitting in his lap. “Uhh, it’s the middle of May, babe.”

“I know,” TK rolls his eyes as he hops up from the chair and motions for Carlos to sit. He goes without question, curiosity thrumming like the rapid cadence of hummingbird wings against his ribs when TK perches himself on a clearing of the desk and holds the trick or treat bucket by the handle. “But it’s all they had at the station so I just went with it. So humor me. Trick or treat?”

Carlos narrows his eyes, “They kicked you out didn’t they?”

“After about an hour,” TK deflates and Carlos instantly regrets bringing it up. “I’m just ready to be back. I don’t know why I have to wait two more weeks. I’m fine!”

“You are. I know, but like you said, two more weeks and you’ll be back, yeah? So just try to take the time and enjoy yourself at full health before you get back to a first responder schedule again,” Carlos amends with a hand on TK’s thigh. “Now, what’s this about tricks and treats?”

TK brightens at the mention of his little scheme and all annoyance fades away into a mischievousness expression that sends a little inappropriate signal through Carlos while he’s at work. “You’ve got to choose one.”

“Well, seeing you here already feels like a treat so-“

“Do your coworkers know you’re this sappy?” TK laughs, glancing around the nearly empty bullpen to gauge any reaction. Fortunately for Carlos, they receive none.

“No, but now they know you’re this weird,” Carlos flicks the smiling orange pail with a finger, enjoying the way TK pulls it to his chest protectively and the fact that he has somebody who loves him enough to do bizarre little things like this.

“Don’t brag, Carlos,” TK says, bumping the toe of his shoe against the officer’s shin. “It’s unbecoming.”

“Speaking from personal Strand experience, I’m sure,” Carlos counters, dodging a more swift kick this time around, the two of them trying to quiet their laughter to match the low ambience of the precinct.

TK shakes the plastic bucket, contents inside giving a little shuffle. “Do you want your surprise or not?”

“Of course. Do I still have to pick?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, then. I’m feeling a little adventurous today, been kind of boring so I’ll go with trick.”

TK frowns, a genuine one like he hadn’t expected Carlos to choose it, and looks dejectedly down into the jack o’ lantern. Carlos sends up a silent thank you for the fact that Mitchell isn’t here to mock him for how truly gone he is for this adorable man sitting on his desk with a orange plastic pumpkin in the middle of May.

TK swirls his hand around in the pail and looks up at Carlos, smile back and bright across his face. “Well, I’m all out of those at the moment but I have plenty of treats.”

Carlos can’t help it as he reaches out and takes TK’s free hand to drop a kiss to the back of it. “A treat sounds great, Ty. What have you got?”
TK returns the kiss to the inside of Carlos’ wrist before shaking out of the hold so he can reach into the trick or treat bucket. “First up, a picture of Baby Ryder courtesy of Judd because he says if he ever walks into the precinct to find that you don’t have a picture of your niece on your desk he’ll …I forget the exact the phrase he used but it was something undeniably cowboy and not the least bit threatening when he said it.”

Carlos laughs as he takes the wallet size photo of the little girl and tucks into the corner of the frame he already has on his desk displaying a picture that Marjan had taken of TK and himself at one of Judd’s backyard barbecues. “It’s the perfect addition. Is there more?”

“Uh huh,” TK confirms, pulling out one of Captain Strand’s favored meal bars. “Dad sends snack fuel or as I know you like to call it a garbage weight.” He tosses the nasty wrapped food into the trash can at the corner of the cubicle. “It’s the thought that counts. Sorry.”

“I’ll be sure to thank him for it,” Carlos nods. “But if he sends anymore I’ll just donate them to the break room. Desperate times sometimes calls for desperate measures when it comes to food around here.”

“Then you better hide this,” TK warns as he pulls out an opened bag of kettle corn and a half eaten pack of gummy bears. Carlos takes them, nearly choking on his laughter as he hides them away in the bottom drawer of his desk. “Listen, it was a last minute effort here. You’re lucky Mateo and Marjan parted with those at all. It means they love you.”

It does little to sober him, but he can’t possibly sit this far way from this ridiculous man he’s fortunate enough to still call his. He stands, taking up the space between TK’s knees and drops a kiss to the top of his head, still giggling. “And I love them, is there anything else?”

“Oh yeah,” TK brings the pail up between their bellies and reaches in to grab what Carlos realizes are two free tickets to an art exhibit coming to Austin next month. “These are from Paul. He got these from a failed date a while back, knew you’d like it.”

“Oh, wow,” and Carlos finds himself picturing holding TK’s hand while standing in the dim lighting of an art exhibit and blushing under the way TK loves to hear Carlos talk about what each piece means. “I can’t wait to go with you.”

TK runs a hand down his side until his belt stops him. “Me too. We can make a whole day of it.”

“Sounds perfect.”

TK turns the bucket upside down, making a show of the jack o’ lantern being empty before purposefully placing it on Carlos’ desk like a beautiful paper weight. “Tommy gave me the bucket and the book Nancy finished and promised to give to you wouldn’t fit.”

“It’s perfect. All of it. I’ll be sure to thank them,” Carlos says, fiddling with the string poking out unevenly from his boyfriend’s hoodie.

“Seems like there’s something missing though,” TK frowns, counting out all the people from the newly reopened 126 on his fingers. “I’m missing somebody.”

“Buttercup.”

“Oh shit,” TK laughs, forehead bumping against Carlos’ badge when he leans forward into his chest. He rubs at the little red mark left in its wake when he pulls away. “I did forget about Buttercup, but I meant me.”

“You being here is all I need,” Carlos assures, rolling his eyes just as dramatically as TK does when he says it. “It’s true.”

“And very sweet, but I did bring you something,” TK says while sliding off the desk in order to stand toe to toe with Carlos.

“Yeah?”

“Uh huh,” TK nods, moving closer until he’s kissing Carlos long enough to mean something but short enough it’s not indecent at work. Carlos nearly chases him when he leans away but instead he just reaches out and hugs him tight, whispering, “That one was undoubtedly my favorite.”

“Good, it would’ve been really awkward if you’d picked Mateo’s gummy bears over me.”

“Eh, it was a close second so maybe you’ll have to remind me why yours was better when I get home?”

TK agrees readily as he moves to leave before Carlos gets reprimanded for taking too long a break, but the officer catches him just before he’s too far and hugs him again. “Thank you for coming here today and doing all this.”

“Babe,” TK melts against him. “You do realize I was pawned off on you, right?”

“You do realize I love you, right?”

TK squeezes him one more time, telling him to, “Be safe and hurry home before I forget.” He winks as he says it, playfully happy and confident with where they stand with one another again. When he’s gone, Carlos sits back down in his chair and looks at the daunting pile of reports he has to go through but the bright orange, plastic jack o’ lantern sitting off to the side makes everything feel perfect.

———————————

“Are you sure?”

TK’s hesitant voice stops him just at the entrance to the rink and he turns a little precariously on his skates when a group of little kids wind their way around them to get onto the ice.

Carlos takes TK more firmly by the hand and tugs him to the side, out of the way of people without life-changing fears to keep them from skating across the ice to their heart’s content.

“Am I sure that you’re ready for this?” Carlos sighs and drops a kiss to his boyfriend’s temple. “The answer is still no, but…I don’t want to be the reason you never face your fears so…am I sure that I’m not going to let anything happen to you? Always.”

TK keeps his gaze on the zipper of Carlos’ jacket, hands tightening almost painfully around his as he swallows. “I…I don’t want to feel trapped by this anymore.”

Carlos bumps his knuckles under TK’s chin, laughing into a kiss when TK wobbles on his skates as a teenager brushes by them without a care. Hands steadying TK at the waist, Carlos assures, “Then we face it together, yeah?”

TK’s grin makes him feel warm in the cold temperature of the indoor ice skating rink, “Together. Always.”

It takes a little more coaxing once they get to the opening and they spend a solid ten minutes against the wall after that, TK burying his face in Carlos’ shoulder when it all comes flooding back.

“Baby, you don’t have to do this,” he whispers into the lilac purple hood of TK’s sweatshirt, heart beating painfully in his chest when the younger man squeezes him hard as someone accidentally bumps into them.

“I have to,” TK breathes deep before leaning away enough to stand on his own. He turns determined eyes shining with months of fear and healing towards him and takes Carlos’ hand. “I’ve..spent my entire life running from the things that scare me. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Carlos says, tugging him gently as he moves on his skates, letting TK hold the wall on the other side until they get to a group of bystanders and he has to let go. Both of TK’s hands wrap around Carlos’ arm and he guides them at a snail’s pace around the rink, experienced enough to keep himself balanced but too scared to be on his own.

They circle the rink a few times, TK never letting go of Carlos but grip lighter with each lap they complete until he tugs them to a stop in the middle of the ice. For a split second, he worries that TK is about to have a panic attack in the dead center of the ice skating rink but TK maneuvers himself to stand in front of Carlos, the purple of his hoodie standing out strikingly against the white of the ice. “Hey, Los?”

“Yeah?”

“I … need to tell you something,” TK bites his lip, but instead of keeping nervousness at bay Carlos can see the tell-tale signs of tears forming. “When I…when I was in the coma and dreaming about…about being with my mom…I didn’t want to leave. The dream, I mean. I remember her telling me I couldn’t stay and I…I begged for just a little more time. I just…I wanted to stay there.”

“TK-“

“So, I’m not…brave like you think. I…I didn’t want to fight anymore. I mean, I didn’t want to die but I just…”

“Baby,” Carlos takes TK’s face in his hands, brushes tears away with the pads of his thumbs. “No one is going to be disappointed in you for that. Especially not me. Sweetheart, you were in rough shape and that dream… it made you feel safe and I’m so glad that through all of it you had that to cling to no matter if it was real or not.”

TK whimpers between his hands and suddenly they’re hugging again, unbothered by the looks people keep sending their way as they maneuver around them with the sharp hiss of blades against the ice. “As much as I begged for you to be okay, to keep fighting, there’s nothing I wanted more than for you not to suffer, to not be in pain. You have nothing to feel guilty over, okay?”

TK leans away, cold hands coming up to trace the outline of Carlos’ face and smiles through the sadness still clinging to him. “I’m so glad I didn’t stay. Every day I-…I’m just thankful for every day I get to spend with you.”

Carlos kisses him quick and silently vows he will never forget the exact shade of purple TK was wearing the day he decided that he was going to ask TK to spend the rest of his life with him.

——————————

 

It’s a few days past the mania of the fourth of July holiday when TK gets the official all clear to go back to work. Carlos wakes up long before TK’s alarm is set to go off and silently slips downstairs to begin making breakfast. He’s plating the smorgasbord of food he prepared in the midst of worrying about his boyfriend finally being back on shift when TK’s arms wrap around him and a, “Good morning” is kissed into the back of his neck.

He returns the sentiment before carrying their plates to the table and sitting down. “How are you feeling?,” he asks once TK has swallowed the first bite of eggs.

“Excited, mostly,” TK says with a shrug, the black material of his uniform wrinkling in a way it usually wouldn’t have before given how much weight TK’s dropped since being on the mend. “Some first day jitters, I guess, but mostly just…relieved. Some days it didn’t seem like this was going to be a possibility.”

“But it is,” Carlos smiles around the rim of his coffee mug. “Because you never gave up.”

“Because I had you,” TK amends. “And everybody at the 126.”

Carlos leans over to kiss him on the cheek. “If I haven’t already said it this morning, I’m unbelievably proud of you,” he sing-songs just to chase any lingering nerves away from showing on TK’s face as he laughs.

“Before you break into full song and dance over this, can you help me with something upstairs?” TK asks, face falling a bit too seriously for it to be an innuendo.

Carlos agrees readily and before he’s fully aware of it he finds himself standing back in their bedroom, watching as TK picks up his 252 necklace and fiddles it between his fingers. The air in the room seems to blow heavier from the vents somehow, warmer despite the a/c being on since it’s July. Carlos swallows the lump in throat, having some idea of what TK is about to ask but being too overcome to stop it.

“ ‘Los…I- I want you to keep this safe for me.”

“TK-“ he starts to protest, knowing how much the necklace means to his boyfriend, the constant reminder of how far he’s come and why it’s important to keep going, but TK cuts him off.

“I know you were the one who kept it safe for me while I was in the hospital and…I don’t know, I keep thinking about you holding on to this, how you’re the only one who truly understands what it means to me,” TK says, sitting down beside Carlos on the bed when the older man’s legs buckle. Carlos is helpless to stop any of it, only capable of blinking back tears when the pendant is placed in his palm and fingers pushed to curl around it. “This used to be the thing that reminded me to keep fighting, but now it’s you so I want you have this as your own reminder that I’m always going to fight to come back to you no matter what.”

“Ty, I…” Carlos stops himself while draping the necklace over his head and pressing the pendant against his chest. “Thank you.” He doesn’t realize he’s actually crying until TK’s kiss against his cheek spreads a warm, damp tear across his skin.

“I love you so much, Carlos,” TK whispers as he rests his head against his.

Carlos wraps him in a hug, watching as tears soak into the black material of TK’s uniform. “More than yesterday, but not as much as every tomorrow we have left,” Carlos finishes, amending their little saying just a bit as their relationship continues to hurdle towards the promise of every tomorrow together.

TK smiles at the difference, eyes shining with understanding as he places his hand over the pendant resting against Carlos’ chest. “You can have as many of my tomorrows as you want.”

TK’s uniform isn’t quiet the black button up Carlos had envisioned him wearing when he proposed so he doesn’t respond with anything else but another kiss.

——————————

As it turns out, TK isn’t wearing much of anything when he does get around to asking that life-changing question. They’ll have to amend the story for their friends, maybe Carlos will plan an actual date night and ask him in a less intimate way so they can share that version with the rest of the 126, but Carlos knows down to his bones that there would never be a better time than this.

The air is turning cool outside, summer disappearing into fall faster than either of them would like, but Carlos chases away the chill left behind by the day by hovering over TK in bed in order to leave ticklish warm kisses down his neck, shoulder, and side before nipping at his hip playfully and working his way back up. When he gets back to the top, TK catches his face in his hands and stares long enough for Carlos to notice the tinge of red staining TK’s cheeks.

Knowing they haven’t been at it long enough for it to be heat, Carlos smiles between TK’s hands and asks, “Why are you blushing?”

“Because you’re so beautiful,” TK laughs, fingers tracing the curve of Carlos’ brow, the slope of his jaw. “Because you’re the best person I’ve ever known. Because…”

Carlos lets himself lay on top of TK when his words die out, but remains still as his boyfriend maps out the lines of his face with the soft pads of his fingertips. “Because why?”

“Because you love me,” TK whispers, like he still can’t believe it even after all this time. “Because I get to love you.”

 

Carlos peppers kisses down the length of TK’s sternum and back up again before trying to memorize the red hue of TK’s blush under the October moonlight shining through the window. “You can love me forever if you want,” and tomorrow once they’re awake and sated, he’ll give TK the real speech he’s been trying to memorize for weeks. But now he laughs at the way TK’s eyes widen and the blush spreads across his face. “Because I want to love you just as long if you’ll let me.”

“Carlos, are you-“

“Tyler Kennedy Strand,” Carlos says, breathless in every good way, and brings his hands up to hold the love his life, fingers brushing back wayward locks of hair falling across TK’s forehead. “Will you marry me?”

TK blinks at him, the corners of his smile stretching to meet Carlos’ palms on either side of his face. “Are you serious?”

“Are you seriously asking me if I’m serious?” Carlos counters, laughing so hard it jostles them on the bed. TK uses the momentum to flip them, now hovering over Carlos with a blush running bright red down his neck, or maybe that’s just from all the kissing.

“Carlos,” TK says his name around a delighted laugh, and Carlos swears he’s going to do everything he can to make sure he always has a reason to be this happy.

“Is this your way of saying yes?” He asks, after a moment of sitting underneath TK’s weight.

“Yes! God, yes. A million times yes!” TK laughs into their kiss before pulling back suddenly, nearly throwing himself sideways if not for Carlos steadying him. “Did you…were you planning this with like a ring and stuff? Or was this just-“

“Oh, I’ve been planning it and our friends are going to be so pissed at me for bothering them for so long about ideas only to find out I asked you right before we have sex.”

“Oh, sure of ourselves are we?” TK quirks an eyebrow, but nearly squeaks when Carlos bucks his hips just a smidge.

“You’re literally sitting naked on top of me,” Carlos deadpans before flipping them back over.

TK arches up to kiss him and falls back against the pillows. “So you have a ring?”

Carlos rolls his eyes, “Yes, TK. I have a ring. Hang on.” He laughs when TK swats him in the back with a pillow and goes over to the safety box he keeps his service weapon and badge in to retrieve the ring he’s been holding onto for what feels life forever. He eases himself down on the bed, knees knocking with TK’s when he sits up to face Carlos as he holds the box between them.

 

The lid gets pushed back and Carlos takes out the black stainless steel ring sitting wedged in
between the cushions, slipping it onto TK’s finger and sealing it with a kiss. “Thank you for letting me love you forever.”

“Forever won’t be long enough, but I’m going to make the most of it,” TK says, blushing once again in the prettiest shade of red Carlos has ever seen.

—————————

Christmas decorations are adorning the hospital walls by the time Carlos finds himself there again. This time, at the very least, it’s scheduled, but still worrying all the same. The frantic sway of TK’s legs dangling over the hospital bed proves that his fiancé feels the same way.

“What if they don’t let me go back to work?” TK asks after long minutes of silence have passed between the doctor promising to be back with the results of the day’s tests as quick as possible and now. He huddles deeper into the pale pink cotton robe the nurse had given him when he complained of being too cold in just the gown, tan skinned still appearing beautiful against the hue despite the anxiousness shadowing his face.

Carlos crosses the room and sits down next to him on the bed, pulling him into his side and kissing his temple reassuringly. “Whatever happens, you’ve got an entire firehouse on your side and me. There’s nothing we can’t face as long as we do it together, yeah?”

TK fidgets with the engagement ring around his finger, reminding Carlos he needs to order the special wedding band that actually spins to help combat anxiety like this. “Yeah, you’re right. I know, I just…I thought all of this was behind us.”

“It is. You survived,” Carlos reminds him, feeling a slight pang of sadness knowing that TK is still having nightmares about the whole experience. “And you’ll get through whatever this is, too. If it’s anything at all.”

“My heart was beating so fast, Carlos, it felt like-“ TK cuts himself off and tucks himself as far into Carlos’ side as he can get. The older man rubs a hands down his back, holding him in place with the other and humming gently above his head as they wait for what Carlos hopes is nothing more than a panic attack diagnosis.

An hour later finds Carlos driving the Camaro towards home, TK in the passenger seat skin painted pink with an embarrassment he shouldn’t feel.

“Sorry we went through all of that for nothing,” TK apologizes as if he could help screaming both of them awake in the middle of the night and succumbing to a panic episode so severe it left him feeling like he was having a heart attack.

Carlos reaches across the console and takes TK’s hand in his, giving it a squeeze. “It wasn’t for nothing, Ty. That scared the shit out of me, too. I’m glad we know for sure it wasn’t something more serious and have a game plan moving forward.”

“Maybe I should stay at my dad’s for a little while,” TK suggests, fingers gripping back tight enough to leave little white spots on the back of Carlos’ hand and imply he only latched onto the idea of scaring him.

“Absolutely not,” Carlos disagrees quickly, before easing up a bit. “I mean, only if you really want to, not because you’re embarrassed about the nightmares.”

“It’s not just that,” TK admits, free hand coming up to trace the bumps of Carlos’ knuckles. “I don’t want you to be tired all the time because I keep waking up like that. I don’t want to keep you up at night.”

“Baby,” Carlos sighs as he pulls into the driveway and turns off the car. He turns to face TK a little more, thumb gliding back forth in comfort down the side of his index finger. “Not being with you at night, knowing you’re struggling right now, that’s going to keep me up even more.”

TK smiles sadly at him, bringing their hands up to his mouth to kiss their intertwined fingers. “I guess you really meant it when you said we’d face everything together, huh?”

“Well, yeah, but I also think the getting married thing heavily implies that, too,” Carlos chuckles, watching the pink of embarrassment fade from TK’s face. He’s happy to see it go now, but he knows that under different circumstances he’ll be happy to see it again.

———————————

It’s late March, a few weeks past the one year mark of TK leaving the hospital from that near-death experience he’s still healing from, the daffodils are in full bloom in the field stretching out behind the venue and Carlos’ husband looks stunning in the afternoon sunlight spilling through the window of the little room they’ve stolen a few minutes alone in after getting wed.

“What are you staring at?” TK grins, pliant in Carlos’ hands as he sways them side to side.

“Everything I’ve ever wanted,” Carlos admits, enjoying the way TK scrunches his face up in an effort not to tear up.

“The sappy part is over,” he complains, pinching Carlos’ sides in that familiar way he does. “Stop making me cry on our wedding day. It’s rude.”

Carlos kisses an apology into his hair and then steps away from his hold with a sheepish shrug. “About that.”

“Carlos, why are you doing this to me? My eyes are going to look bloodshot in all our pictures,” TK whines, but there’s an undercurrent of a laugh as he watches his husband palm something out of the side table drawer in the corner of the room.

“Sorry, but I couldn’t leave any room for doubt about how much I love you so I wanted to cover all my bases,” Carlos says as he steps back in front of his husband and in one fluid motion drapes a necklace over his head and lets it fall to his suit covered chest.

TK takes the silver pendant between his fingers to inspect the engravings on it more closely, tears cascading down his face far quicker than he has time to wipe away. “Baby, this is-“

“My APD badge number,” Carlos confirms while reaching underneath the collar of his own suit shirt and untucking TK’s 252 pendant from around his neck. “You gave this to me because you said you wanted it to remind me of how you would always fight to come back to me.”

TK grips the necklace in a fist, unable to do anything other than stare at Carlos with watery eyes.

“So I wanted you to have that so you’d know there’s nothing in this world that could keep me from doing the same for you, Ty,” Carlos tucks the 252 pendant back underneath his collar and steps forward to hug his husband. “I love you more than anything, baby. More than I did yesterday, but not as much as all of our tomorrows.”

They get married on a Saturday, afternoon light scattering dust particles like pixie dust in the golden glow of sunset breaking through the blinds and painting the moment in warm relief and magic-tinted happiness.

“TK?”

The prettiest shade of green blinks back at him, the kind that people spend their entire life savings to see in the leaves of tropical places or the grass of rolling hills, and Carlos smiles at the thought of keeping the perfect shade of green all to himself. “You with me?”

TK kisses him long and sloppily around a grin. “Always.”