Archive of Our Own ^beta

SIMON

This time I know I’m right: Baz is plotting something.

I mean, he wouldn’t have missed weeks and weeks of lessons if he hadn’t died or suffered some serious accident. He wasn't going to risk failing to be first in class, and Penny is always too close to dethrone him for him to be comfortable with his grades.

And I know he wasn't sick. Vampires don't get sick, right? Or at least Baz was certainly never sick during all our years together as roommates, or I surely would’ve noticed. Not even a cold, he’s so ridiculous.

And he totally is a vampire.

Do I have any proof of that? Well, not yet. Not exactly. But I’m getting there. All the years that I followed him around the Catacombs served to show me that he was indeed up to something.

Penny thinks I’m crazy, that I’m obsessed with him and that my line of reasoning makes no sense. She thinks the fact that he's always sneaking around the Catacombs late at night doesn't prove he's a vampire. Okay, so maybe it doesn’t. But I swear to her I've seen how his mouth looks fuller at night, especially when he's having nightmares. I haven't seen the fangs yet (he’s very careful even when he’s sleeping, the tosser), but I know they're there.

Penny also doesn't want me to talk to her about him anymore. Or for me to ask her for help in finding out what he’s planning. So, I guess I’ll just have to do it alone. I need to find out why he was away from Watford for so long. Maybe he was on some mission for the Old Families. Maybe they were thinking of ways to hurt me, maybe they wanted to use me against the Mage.

"Why don't you just ask him?", Penny told me at breakfast, and I can't believe she actually thought he was going to tell me anything. What part of 'we're not friends, we’re enemies' doesn't she understand yet? She’s supposed to be the smart one of us.

But how do I even find out anything without him telling me directly?

I couldn’t cast a spell on him and force him to tell me the truth, that would be illegal. Besides, I don't think I could do that without turning a spell like “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth” into something even worse than it already is. I have no full control of my magic yet, and it is way too strong.

I guess my only chances are to keep following him until I discover some suspicious activity or to find something incriminating among his belongings, which wouldn't be so easy either because he loves to hide his stuff with magic and he's so stupidly clever it's always hard to stay one step ahead of him.

Ugh, why does he have to be so fucking brilliant?

I hate him.

BAZ

Snow has been acting fucking weird lately. Weirder than usual. Ever since I came back to Watford I can feel his eyes following me wherever I go. Sometimes he doesn't even have the decency to look away when I stare back at him, as if he actually wanted me to know he was watching me closely.

I cannot say that I don't like the attention. Of course I’d prefer him to be that interested in me for reasons other than distrust, but in the end I have to accept what I can have.

And now he’s back to following me around when I go out to the Catacombs for blood. It would be annoying if it wasn't amusing to watch him try not to be noticed by me. He always thinks he's being cautious, but I'd probably be able to notice him even if I couldn’t smell him or hear his footsteps so damn easily.

My point is: if there's one thing Simon Snow doesn't know how to be, it's subtle. He's just too rough, too impatient, too passionate about things. He is too alive. I love that about him (What do I not love about him though? I’m hopeless), but the best part is that it probably means he wouldn't be able to catch me off guard even if I was asleep. It’s endearing.

“I know you’re there.” I decide that if I won't be able to hunt with him around, I can at least have a little fun at his expense.

He decides to ignore me and remain hidden, standing there like a statue, as if I can't hear his heart pounding in his chest and his breathing quickening at the sound of my voice. I just wait, knowing he will give in eventually.

He takes so long that I lean back against the wall and slide down until I sit on the floor, waiting with my eyes closed.

“B-Baz,” he mutters at last, finally coming out from where was hiding.

“Yep, Snow, that’s me.”

SIMON

How does he even do that?!

No, I’m so stupid. Of course he could hear me nearby, it's a vampire thing! They have super hearing, right? And vision? And strength? And I bet he can smell my fucking blood from miles away!

This will never work... I'll never be able to catch him doing something he doesn't want me to see. I might as well give up.

“What the fuck are you plotting, Baz?!” I decide to ask. Not because Penny told me to or because I think it will do any good, but because he's already discovered me here and I can't even think of anything else to say.

He opens his eyes and looks at me, that stupid grin on his face as if he thinks I'm dumb. Well, he does think I’m dumb. “You know you are the one who keeps following me around, right? What, Snow? Did you miss me that much?”

“Of course I didn’t!” Argh, I hate him! “I just want to know why! Why weren’t you here before? What’s your plan this time?!” 

He sighs. “I don’t know… Guess I thought I could give myself a little break from you, you know?” The expression on his face is so infuriating, I want to punch it out of him. I want to break his nose all over again. “Your constant displays of love for me can be pretty suffocating sometimes. You have to work on that. Isn’t Agatha jealous?”

“Sod off!” He has the nerve to talk about Aggie around me after being the reason she broke up with me in the first place. I can feel my magic starting to get out of control, leaving my body in smoke-scented waves.

“Always so eloquent, dear.”

“You’re so fucking annoying! If you think you can keep things from me- You- I- I will figure it out!”

Baz gets up from the floor and approaches me in a few steady steps, his eyes on me. I refuse to show him any sign of nervousness, so I stand my ground and I glare right back at him. “Great,” he says. “Just don’t try and think too much, okay? You might hurt yourself.”

He winks at me (fucking winks at me!) and then he’s out.

And I’m left here, fuming.

Fucking Baz.

Fuck you. Just you wait. That’s not the end of it.

BAZ

After I've embarrassed Snow down at the Catacombs, I think it's safe to assume I'll have at least some time alone to breathe before he shows up in our room again, and I’m glad for that. After all, he's not everything I have to think about – even if I do think about him way more than I should.

All the time I've been away from Watford has really set me back in my studies and I can’t let that happen, even though I could probably still stay ahead of the class without reading a single line of our year’s textbooks. But there’s always Bunce. She’s tough competition, I have to keep that in mind at all times.

Besides, I need to organize my mind. I need time with my diary to put down the thoughts that I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. Not even with Dev or Niall. They are my friends, yes, but that doesn't mean I want to share my everyday life with them. We usually just talk about the most banal things, like football or movies or plans to take down the Mage. Well, about plots against Snow sometimes, I do have to admit it. But they still think I want to kill Simon someday, and that’s how little they know…

They don’t know I would probably kill myself first. I would probably confess my love to him, kiss him if I had the opportunity (for as long as I could), and then set myself on fire. Yes, I’m doomed.

By the time Snow gets back, I’m almost done writing already. Not that I can't write with him in the room. Several times I do write when he’s present and he just thinks I’m studying as always or doing some homework. But if I can avoid it, it's always more comfortable without him close by. I focus better. He’s too distracting. He smells good. And he’s noisy. And a part of me fears he’s going to be able to read it, even when he’s just lying in his bed and nowhere near my back. Like he is right now.

I can feel his eyes on me.

I wish he would have his lips on me too.

Focus, Baz.

“Baz?”

I’m so distracted that his voice startles me. I can feel myself shivering involuntarily and I hope it's not too obvious. I love the sound of my name when he says it and I am hardly ever prepared for when it happens.

“Yes, Snow?” I try to sound bored. I’m good at that.

He’s silent again. I turn to look at him and he still says nothing to me, so I arch an eyebrow. He sighs. “Nothing. I was just here thinking…”

“And you’re capable of that?” I think I sound playful enough for it not to be the end of the conversation. I just can’t hold myself.

He snorts. “Tosser.” It doesn’t sound too angry when he says it, so I think it was okay. “I was just thinking you’re a mystery to me most of the time.”

For once, I don’t know how to respond to that. Of course I’m a mystery to him. He knows nothing about what I think or feel. He thinks I hate him, for Crowley’s sake. He thinks I've been weeks out of Watford plotting something against him, when in fact I've been kidnapped by fucking numpties.

He doesn't know that I would never have chosen not to come back to school. Not for any plot, not even against the Mage. He doesn't know how foolishly I hoped he was going to come and save me like some kind of hero on a white horse, because even when I was inside a bloody coffin that was the kind of embarrassing fantasy I was capable of forming. He doesn't know that I've been worried sick about losing the last year we would have together like this.

He knows nothing. And he never will.

He’s still looking at me. Unlike me, he’s an open book.

“And for me you’re too obvious. So clear, it’s boring.” And that’s my answer, because I’m the world’s biggest idiot. He’ll always hate me and I’ll always deserve it. 

My love for him will always be a secret very well kept.

When I notice he’s fallen asleep, I put my diary in its usual place, under my bed, and I cast a simple and effective “Nothing to see here” to ensure that it remains safe from his curious arse.

SIMON

After ruling out the possibility of discovering something about Baz by going after him, I come to the conclusion that my only option left is to find traces of suspicious activities among his things.

In fact, I'm not sure that will get me any results either, as he always hides what he wants very well, even his beloved salt and vinegar crisps, and I don't even know where to start or what I’m looking for.

What would I even find that could give me any hint? I wish I could use his phone and check his emails and messages, but he carries the damn thing with him almost everywhere, which makes it impossible to get it. And of course, I wouldn't know the password.

Then I remember his laptop. It must be somewhere around the room, so I decide to search for it, even though I don't hold out much hope either since it probably has a password too, but I guess it doesn't hurt to try.

I open every door and every drawer of his part of the wardrobe, inspecting them as best I can without moving anything out of place because I'm sure he would notice. He's organized like that. Nothing looks promising.

I go to his desk next and look inside each of the books he’s left there, then I open his notebooks only to find notes from classes, done in his perfectly neat handwriting.

Not. Useful. At all.

At last, I open his laptop and, just as I’d predicted, it asks me for a pin code. I type in his birthday, but of course it isn’t the right number, he wouldn’t be that stupid. I have no fucking clue.

I growl in frustration and throw myself on my bed, feeling utterly defeated. I should just listen to Penny and give up on this. If he really is planning something against me, I think I’ll just have to find out at the moment he fucking kills me once and for all.   

As if he wants to annoy me even more, he chooses this moment to arrive.

I’m too angry at him so I just turn my back to the wall, planning to ignore him completely until he locks himself in the bathroom to spend an hour in the shower as usual.

BAZ

Crowley only knows what have I done to piss Snow off this time, but he sure as Merlin has a problem with me again, if his turning his back at the moment I entered our room is any indication.

Do I even want to know?

I sigh. No, I won't fall for it. I grab some clean clothes and go into the bathroom.

When I get back after my long and relaxing shower, I find him already asleep. I could say he looks like an angel with his bronze curls and the serene expression on his face, but the truth is that he always sleeps with his mouth open and now I can even see some drool falling onto his pillow. Gross. I keep staring at him though. Fuck me, I still find him cute.   

Eventually, I snap out of my trance and I sit comfortably in bed, turning on my lamp and feeling ready to write some more about my day.

That is, until I feel my phone vibrating and startling the hell out of me.

I see Niall’s number on the display. What the fuck? It’s too late for that and we were together an hour ago.

“Yes?” I whisper to the phone, careful not to wake Snow up.

“Baz! You need to come to our room right now!” 

“Dev?”

“No, fucking Santa! Of course it’s me, just hurry up, man! It’s serious!” He does sound serious.

“Really? I was about to go to sleep, Dev. This better be important.”

“Life or death, mate! Hurry the fuck up!” He shouts at me and hangs up.

I’m on full alert now. Dev and Niall never call me for anything. Never. If they need something from me, a message always works. It scares me a bit because I can only imagine something really grave must have happened.

I jump out of the bed, put on my shoes and leave the room before my thoughts can make me even more anxious. I’ll kill one of them if they’re not dying right now.

SIMON

I wake up disoriented by the sound of the door slamming. Fuck Baz.

I feel so tired I would probably go right back to sleep, but he closed the window after his shower (he’s the worst, I swear) and now I feel like I could probably fry an egg on my skin if I wanted. It’s so hot here.

I sit up and look at his bed, untidy as I rarely see it, the blanket almost falling on the floor, an open notebook lying upside down as if it had been forgotten there. So weird. Something must have happened if he left in such a hurry. Baz never leaves a mess behind.

I grab his notebook to see what the hell he was studying so late at night. Do we have an exam tomorrow that I can't remember? It’s always possible. I can already see Penny’s disappointed face when I meet her tomorrow and tell her I haven’t been studying.

I open it at the page he’d left it on and what I read there is the last thing I expected to find…

"[…] I bumped into Coach Mac and he told me that I looked distracted in practice yesterday. I denied it, obviously, but it's likely I was still thinking about the encounter with Snow at the Catacombs earlier. I need to stop thinking"-

It stops there.

Wait. Wait! What is this?!

For Christ’s sake!

A diary.

This is a fucking diary. Baz’s diary.

I’m so nervous I can feel my hands trembling but I have to think fast. Baz can be back at any minute. Merlin, I need to read it as much as I can. This could be it!

I try to go back some pages. I guess I don’t even breathe while I’m doing it.

***

“There was no light with the numpties. Just one endless night of pain and noise and blood.

I’m at least half dead, I think. I mean, just normally, when I’m walking around and feeling good–I’m at least half gone.

When I was in that coffin, I pushed myself closer.

I let myself slip away…

Just to stay sane. Just to get through it.

And when I felt myself slipping too far, I held on to the one thing I’m always sure of–

Blue eyes.

Bronze curls.

The fact that Simon Snow is the most powerful magician alive. That nothing can hurt him, not even me.

That Simon Snow is alive.

And I’m hopelessly in love with him.”

***

I drop the notebook as if it had burnt my hands.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What kind of stupid prank is this?!

Baz… in love with me? Ha! As if!

Does he really think I’m that dumb?!

I can’t believe he left this behind just to make me pay for going through his things. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? That explains why he left the notebook lying around like that, it explains why he slammed the fucking door when he fucking left the room. He wanted me to wake up and find it! It was all a trap. Of course it was! He’s always way ahead of me.

Does he think this is funny though?!

“In love!” I snort.

And I’m hopelessly in love with him.

“Arghhh!” I can’t take this out of my head! I hate him!

I should stop freaking out and keep reading the rest of the bullshit he wrote me, but then I hear footsteps and I know he's coming back.

Without thinking twice, I rush back to my bed and pretend I'm still asleep. I don't know yet what to think about all of this and it's the only thing I can do at the moment.

This is so silly. My heart is beating so hard he's probably going to hear it anyway.

BAZ

I hate Dev and Niall. I’m not talking to them ever again. I’m probably better off without friends anyway. I’ll have more time and Merlin knows I need it.

It turns out the big emergency was that they somehow got bottles of booze (don’t ask me how) and they wanted me to get shitfaced with them on a fucking school day. Crowley, I hate them.

Actually, the truth is that I probably would’ve accepted the distraction for a little bit, it would’ve been good even, if they hadn't blatantly lied to me and made me so distressed and scared that they were hurt.

I got so pissed off at them they probably won’t try something like that again. The idiots thought it’d be a good idea to prank me, but they didn’t expect me to be so furious over it. Fuck it, I wouldn’t be so mad if I didn’t care so much about them. Those fools are my best friends, the only ones I have (besides Fiona, that is).

I interrupt my mental rant when I realize something is wrong in the room.

Why is Snow's heart beating so fast as if he’d just run a marathon? And why does the room smell of smoke as if he’s about to go off?

I’m sure he’s not asleep, although he’s lying in his bed facing the wall just as I left him before.

I think about asking him what the problem is but that’s when I see it.

My diary. Tossed in my bed.

I run to pick it up, immediately noticing that the pages are a little crumpled and that the cover looks sweaty. I look at the page where it was open.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Aleister Crowley, I’m so royally fucked!

This is so fucking bad. This is a fucking disaster. Has Snow…?!

I sit down on my bed, trying to calm my own heart, without any success. I can’t believe this is really happening. No, I cannot accept he just read that... This is the worst of my nightmares coming true.

I stare at him. He’s facing away from me, but I can see he’s obviously awake, breathing heavily, sweating. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt this scared in my whole life.

What’s he thinking? Does he hate me…? More than ever, I mean. Is he disgusted? Is he going to ignore me forever?

I can feel tears starting to form in my eyes, making me feel like an idiot.

And I’m hopelessly in love with him.

That was supposed to be forever a secret.

I can accept loving him from afar, keeping up the pretense of us being enemies, but I cannot accept him completely out of my life. I mean, obviously this would’ve happened at some point. We’re not going to be roommates forever. Maybe we'll even have to kill each other in the near future. But not now. Not this year, not when I have so little time left to be around him. I lost so much time already because of the fucking numpties.

My hands are shaking.

Should I talk to him? I could call him and try to explain myself.

No. Terrible idea. I’m so nervous I’d probably make things even worse. I don’t have the strength to fight right now, I’d just make a fool out of myself.

Blue eyes.

Bronze curls.

I close the diary and throw it under my bed. I don't even try to hide it with the spell, it makes no difference anymore. Nothing makes any difference anymore.

I look at Simon again. I take a deep breath. Then another one. “Please don’t hate me too much,” I whisper. He won’t be able to hear me.

I’ll never be able to sleep again.

-

Eventually I fell asleep.

I wake up and I have no idea what time it is.

Simon is no longer in the room... Probably better this way.

SIMON

I can’t stop thinking about it. I thought about it all night, so much I could hardly sleep, and then it was already time for me to go to breakfast. I feel so hungry.

I get up and try my best to get dressed very quietly, careful not to wake Baz up. I don’t feel ready to face him yet. I don’t even know if I want to talk to him, but I guess I don’t. Not right now anyway.

I leave the room and make my way to the dining hall, thinking about everything I've read. I can't come to any conclusion. Could it be real? I don't think so.

How can I believe Baz was kidnapped by numpties? I mean, numpties are dumb creatures. They’re slow, yes. But they don’t have a death wish. They don’t. What would they want to do with a vampire? He’s just trying to fuck with my head, as always.

And then… the part about me. That’s the most unbelievable of it all. If he actually wanted to feed me some lies, why would he make up something like this? It’s inconceivable. Of course it isn’t real.

Of course. Right? Yeah.

But…what if? What if it’s true? I mean, there were pages and pages of things written there. Did he really write all of that, like 50 pages of nonsense, just to make me shut up? He knew, of course, that after I read that I’d never confront him about it, I’d be too ashamed, so maybe that’s why he wrote it. Right?

Ugh. I’m going crazy. I’m freaking out. I need Penny’s help. I can’t deal with this on my own.

He has to be lying. But what if he’s not? Baz… in love with me. He’s not in love with me.

“Simon, are you okay? You look weird. And you’re trying to kill your scone instead of eating it. I’m getting kinda scared here.”

“Penny,” I sigh. I have no choice. “I know you don’t want to listen to me ranting about Baz…”

“Yes, you’re right. I don’t.”

“I know. But… What if I said to you he was kidnapped by numpties? And that’s why he wasn’t here at school for so long? What would you think of that?”

Penny smiles, looking at me like I just lost it. “Wait, what? Are you out of your mind now? Numpties? Of course that didn’t happen. Right?”

“No, I don’t know. I’m just asking you. Help me here. Do you think that would be plausible?”

“Simon… I don’t think so,” she answers me, and I can see she’s trying to take me more seriously this time. If that’s possible. “I mean, they’re not creatures who would have a purpose or an evil plan or something. Maybe if someone asked them to do that, or bribed them into it, or forced them to, I don’t know. But they wouldn’t do that on their own accord.” She eyes me suspiciously. “Really? Baz? Numpties? Why are you making this up? What’s going on? No, wait. I guess I don’t even want to know.”

“Okay, just forget it. Of course he wasn’t kidnapped by numpties. Okay?”

“Okay, Simon… Whatever you say.”

But there’s more to it. And that’s the worst part. I bite at my lower lip. “Hm, Penny… Do you think Baz could be gay?”

“What?”

“Ah… yeah. Do you think Baz could, er, like me?”

“Like you? Baz?”

“Yes, Baz.”

Penny laughs at that. She looks so amused now. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you today, really, but you’re worse than ever. You just hit your head really hard, Simon... You should go to sleep.” I sigh, she thinks I’m going crazy. “Wait, no, don’t go to sleep, we have classes.”

“Penny, really, I’m being serious here.”

“Simon,” she’s using that tone I hate, as if she pities me. “Again, why would you think that? Baz hates you. You know that.”

“Does he really?”

“Well… yeah? Aren’t you guys supposed to be sworn enemies or something?”

I roll my eyes at that. “We’re not sworn enemies. That’s dramatic.”

“You guys are dramatic, so...”

“Ugh. You’re being annoying, Penny.”

“Boy, you asked me for my help, and you’re talking nonsense. I have every right to think this is funny.”

“No, no, okay. Think of this again. Do you think Baz could like me?”

“Like what? That he wants to be your friend? Maybe? I guess. If you guys didn’t fight so much you could be friends. You’re roommates, right? The Crucible probably put you guys together for a reason. Maybe if things weren’t so fucked up, he’d want to be friends with you. If you weren’t so obsessed about him.”

“No, Penny, that’s not what I’m asking you. I’m asking you if you think Baz could like me? I mean, like like me. As in… love me?”

She laughs so hard this time she almost chokes on her food and I can see some people turning to look at us. “Stop that, Penny! What? What’s so funny about it? What’s not to like about me?”

“Simon… Really? I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what you expect me to say.”

“Okay, Pen… I don’t know why I’m asking you this either. This is all bullshit, right?” I feel sad about this whole conversation and I don’t even understand the reason.

“Sounds like bullshit to me, Si.”

“Yeah. Thank you. That was everything I needed to hear.”

“You’re welcome, baby. I think you should forget about Baz for a while. Okay? Can we do that?”

“Yes… We can do that…” Why do I sound so defeated?

“Oh, Simon…” She’s smiling at me. She thinks I’m too much.

She’s probably right. She’s always right.

This is just a lot of bullshit.

BAZ

Snow has been ignoring me all day, just as I predicted.

I honestly feel terrible about it. Sometimes I think I should go to him and try to talk and explain everything he’s read or something. But what is even there to explain? He read it. It was pretty direct: I have feelings for him. Is that so bad?

I can’t stop thinking he really hates me now. I had my doubts yesterday. I thought maybe he wouldn’t think so badly of me for it, but he’s not even looking in my direction. He doesn't even acknowledge my presence in the room. I don’t know what to think of it, but it hurts me.

I go to classes, then to practice, then I come back to the room, I take a shower, I go to the Catacombs for blood, and then I return hoping he’s already asleep, as usual. He’s not asleep though. But he's still pretending I didn't just walk in. Fuck, this is going to be a nightmare.

And there’s more: he knows now that I was kidnapped by the fucking numpties. That's so ridiculous, and now he knows it. He can tell everyone about it. And it's not even the worst. I mean, he knows I'm a vampire. He's known for a while, but he didn't have any proof. But now he's read my diary. He knows it. I can't pretend anymore. Well, I can pretend, I can pretend he never read it and that he's crazy, that he was dreaming, but... he knows. In the end, there's no denying it now.

I lie in my bed and my brain can't seem to turn off. Time passes and I can't sleep. And I know he's not sleeping either. I keep listening to his soft breathing.

I wish he would talk to me.

And suddenly he does, when I least expect it.

“Baz…”

Is he really talking to me right now? Crowley, why do I feel so nervous about it? I’m being ridiculous. I wanted him to talk to me, didn't I? “Yes?”

He’s lying on his back, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “Er, you won, okay? I… I won’t stalk you anymore. And I won’t ask you anymore why you weren’t here. And… yeah. I’m sorry. I won’t ask again.”

“Okay…?” What does this mean? Is he really going to pretend he doesn't know anything? Is he going to pretend he doesn't know how I feel?

He’d rather not know. That’s how much he hates it.

“Did you really think I would fall for that, though? Really?”

Did I…what? “What are you talking about? Fall for what?”

He turns on his side to look at me, and he looks really exasperated now. “Really, Baz? I threw up the white flag here, I just said I’m sorry. I just said I won’t ask about that anymore, and I won’t. But… did you really think I would believe that?”

I don’t get it. “I don’t know what to say to you, Snow.”

“Good, ‘cuz I don’t know what else to say either.” Weird silence. He snorts. “Okay, Baz, I’ll just believe you were kidnapped by fucking numpties and… and that you… er, whatever, forget it. Sorry. Let’s not talk about that anymore.”

He turns his back on me again, and I can only stare at him in shock.

Does he think… I faked it? He thinks everything I wrote there is fake?!

Fuck me. I can’t believe I’m in love with this imbecile.

I can’t believe Simon. Like, I really can’t.

Is it really so terrible, so unthinkable that I could love him, that he just assumed it was all a lie? That I wrote my entire fucking diary just to piss him off, just to take him out of my way?

This makes me so mad for a reason, but I should actually be relieved, right? That means he doesn’t even believe in what he read. It means he doesn’t really think I love him, so we can just pretend nothing happened and everything can go back to what it was.

I hate it though. Why does this hurt even more? It means he can’t even imagine the idea of accepting my feelings, of considering I could like him. The idea of us. No, I knew the idea of us was out of the way, but my love is so crazy to him that he just completely dismissed it.

Fuck him. Fuck Simon.

Merlin, I feel so mad right now.

SIMON

Last night I was actually able to get some sleep and I feel so relieved by that, because I thought I’d never be able to turn off my mind again. But then I open my eyes and I see Baz is already awake, almost read to go out, I guess, which is weird since I’m always the first one to get up and to wake him up with all the noises I do around the room (it’s not on purpose, I swear – well, sometimes it is).

It looks like he’s pacing around the room? So odd, he never does that. He looks nervous.

I ignore him and get ready for breakfast, but when I’m ready to leave the room, he stops me. “Snow, wait. Can I talk to you?” He’s sitting on his bed now, looking down at his hands.

“Yeah?” I frown.

He takes a deep breath, then he looks at me. “What did you mean by ‘did you really think I’d fall for that’?”

I look right back at him while I’m trying to understand what he’s getting at. “Hm, about the things you wrote to me? The things you left there for me to see. I get it, Baz. You don’t want me to pry into your life, and I won’t anymore. I told you. I read it… and I’ll pretend it was the truth. And we can be… as distant as ever. You win.”

He shakes his head like I’m an idiot. “No, wait. Do you really think I…? Do you think I made that up?”

“What?”

He stands up, still staring at me, but keeping his distance. I try not to look away, but he looks intimidating. “You heard me. Do you think I made that up? Like… my whole fucking diary?”

“What do you mean… your diary?”

He rubs his hands over his face, looking so exasperated. “I… Simon… You’re so slow sometimes. Really.”

“Did you just call me Simon?”

He rolls his eyes. “No.”

“Yes, you did!”

“Okay, Snow, whatever.” He looks tired. Or maybe… disappointed. I don’t know, I don’t understand him. “I have to go to breakfast.”

What does he mean by that? Of course it was a trap. Why won’t he just admit it? He’s so difficult! I said I won’t pry anymore. He can just say “yeah, Snow, I won”, and I would’ve left at that. But now he just acted like he was offended? Like I was stupid for not believing the fucking idea of a diary...

Wait.

What if it’s really… real? I mean, he’s being awkward around me lately, as if he didn’t want me to have found it. I could see he was expecting me to do something, to be mad or confronting him.

Wait.

What if he’s really… in love with me? What do I do about that?

No, he would never. He’s Baz. I’m nothing like him. He’s brilliant and graceful and ruthless. He’s even fucking fit. And an arsehole, yeah, but that’s not the point.

Anyway, what’s there to love about me? He hates me!

Fuck it. My head hurts so much.

But he’s about to leave the room.

“No, Baz, wait!” I reach for his wrist, holding at it before he can go out.

He pulls free immediately, but stops in place, waiting for me to keep going.

Silence. I’m so confused… I don’t know what to ask.

“I’m waiting, Snow.”

“Is it… real?” I whisper. What do I want him to answer? And can I even trust him to tell me the truth?

He doesn’t say anything. He’s just standing there, looking at the door, so I try again. “Is it?”

“Why do you care? I thought you said you'd stay out of my life.”

“Well, yeah… But that’s because I thought you were messing around. Were you? Is that really your diary?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what? Were you messing with me or was it really your diary?”

“Yes, Snow. It was really my diary. Can I go now?”

Oh. But…

“Why should I believe you?” I ask because I cannot just take his words as the truth. It’s not that easy.

He sneers. “You believe whatever the fuck you want, Snow. I don’t care.”

He goes for the door handle, but I step into his space, getting between him and the door. “Well, I care! I want to know the truth!”

“If you don’t believe I’m telling you the truth, then that’s your problem, not mine!” He stares down at me and I hate that he’s taller. I stare right back.

“How can I believe it if you just left it there for me to find?! If you slammed the door when you got out of the room, just to wake me up?! You’re never that careless, Baz! You would never let your secrets lying around for me to find!”

“I had an emergency! Not everything is about you!”

I don’t know what to answer. We’re both angry, and I’m trying to catch my breath. Baz looks like he wants to punch something.

After some time, I decide to try again. “So, what? Should I just believe that was real?”

Baz takes a deep breath and then averts his eyes. “Why is it so hard to believe?”

Why is it so hard to believe that he loves me? What kind of question is that? Is he really judging me for having a hard time believing it? He always acted like he hated me.

He looks… vulnerable, though.

“To believe that you… love me?” At this point I’m just staring at his chest because I feel too awkward asking this to his face.

He flinches visibly. Then he closes his eyes and takes two steps back. When he opens them again, he’s looking down. “Sorry.”

I’m so confused. I don’t know if he’s sorry for loving me or for lying to me or… I don’t know. I really, really want to know though.

“Prove it,” I say. I didn’t plan to ask that, it just came out. But I don’t think I regret it.

Baz looks at me again, frowning. “Prove it?”

I nod, leaning back against the door and crossing my arms. “Yes, prove it.”

He shakes his head in disbelief, but I can see he is… smiling? Just a little bit, but it’s there.

I expected him to tell me to fuck off, but it looks like he’s thinking, so I wait. And I use this time to do some thinking too. Is this really happening? Does he have feelings for me?

How do I feel about that?

If Baz says he loves me, then what do I do about it?

I’m just standing here, looking at him. He sat on his bed and closed his eyes again and his hair is falling a little bit over his face. He doesn’t look intimidating, he looks calm, shining under the light coming from the window. It’s a nice look on him.

“Okay, Snow, c’mere,” Baz says suddenly. Whatever solution he’s come up with, he seems pretty confident about it.

He taps the place to his left on the bed, so I sit down. I eye him suspiciously. He's never let me sit on his bed before. Is this a trap too?

No, okay, I’ll have to trust him here. I have nothing to lose, I guess. Unless he’s ready to kill me, and that’d be unfortunate.

“Okay…”

“Snow, you’ll have to give me your hand.”

“You’re using magic?”

“How else can I prove to you that I’m telling the truth, if my words are not enough?” He arches an eyebrow at me.

“Okay, that’s fair.” I sigh, and I give him my right hand.

With his left hand, he intertwines our fingers. His hand is so cold that my first impulse is to let go of it, but I control myself, since it wouldn't do any good to offend him now, and I soon get used to the feeling. It’s nice, actually. I’m always so hot, it feels nice to cool down a bit.

I look at our hands together. He points his wand to them. “Do you trust me?”

“Not really,” I answer, but I’m smiling.

He’s smiling a bit too at that. “Of course not. I’m doing it anyway.”

“Okay.”

He takes a deep breath again. He looks cool when he’s concentrating.

“Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell?”, he says, and it sounds to me like he’s singing. I can instantly feel his magic on me. It’s crazy how warm it feels, since he’s so cold.

“Now what?” I ask him. The magic makes me feel a little giddy.

“Now you ask me whatever you want. And I have to tell you the truth, or I can’t ever let go of your hand again.”

“Oh!” I try to release our hands, but it's like they're really stuck together. Brilliant.

“But it’s only one question. So think what you’re going to ask.”

“Hm, okay…”

I think about it. It’s odd that I don’t actually care to know where he was before or if he really is a vampire. That’s not the first question that pops into my mind.

“Baz…” I’m looking at our hands.

“Yeah?”

“H-how do you feel about me?” I ask him, then I close my eyes and I wait for the answer. Why do I feel so nervous about it?

He’s getting closer, I can tell. It's not the first time I've thought about it, but he smells good. “Simon…” My heart is beating so loud, this is ridiculous. “I’m in love with you,” he whispers it in my ear.

I feel myself shivering at his words. I open my eyes slowly and I look at our hands. He lets go.

He loves me.

Baz loves me.

It’s true.

“There. You have your answer now.”

I don't know how to react, it's like I'm frozen in place.

“Glad we cleared that up. I have to go to class now.”

He doesn’t wait for me to answer, he gets up and then he’s out of the room.

And he loves me.

BAZ

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I cannot undo that, right? For Crowley’s sake, I can't believe I’ve just confessed to Snow!

I don’t know what happened to me. One moment I was so angry he didn't believe in my diary, and then the next I was being all soft and doing magic and declaring my love for him. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

He didn’t say anything to that. I waited, but he didn’t have an answer. He just sat there, frozen, and I have no idea what that means. I had to leave because I was too afraid of what he was going to say eventually.

Is he even going to talk to me again? Because I’ve just embarrassed myself for him and I can’t take that, I can’t take him ignoring me now like nothing happened. I’ve just opened my heart there! I don’t do this kind of thing. People don’t even know I have a heart. And now he knows everything there is to know about me… No more secrets. He knows I’m a vampire, he knows I’ve been kidnapped by numpties, he knows I love him. I’m not a mystery anymore, I’m just a fucking weak dark creature in love. How Twilight is that on a scale of 0 to 10?!

And now here I am, sitting under a tree, missing class like I haven’t already missed almost all of them this year. Just perfect. Yay, Basilton. Way to go. Bunce is going to be delighted.

I smell him before I see him. Oh, no. I’m not ready for this.

“Hey, Baz.”

I look up to him and he seems…cheerful?

“Snow.”

He smiles. Okay.

“Can I sit here with you?”

I sneer. “No, go to class.”

“You’re not in class,” he argues and sits next to me. He always does whatever he wants anyway.

“Well observed, Sherlock.”

He places his bag on the floor and lies down on the grass with his head on it, looking up at the sky.

Silence. Long and awkward silence. Why did he come here?

“I can’t believe you love me… That’s crazy.” He says out of nowhere. He didn’t even prepare me for it. That’s Snow for you. “Why?”

I take a look at him, frowning. “What do you mean why?”

“Why? Why do you love me?”

I sigh. “Snow, really… I don’t wanna talk about that.”

He hums. “Because you’re embarrassed, right?”

“Yes, I am.” And you should go away and leave me alone. I don’t say that.

“I guess I’d be embarrassed too. I don’t know how to talk about feelings. I… never knew how to. When I was dating Agatha, I-”

Really? “Please. I don’t want to know, okay?”

He looks at me for a moment. “Oh. Right. Okay. You love me, you don’t wanna listen to me talking about her.”

I’m going to die. Someone just let me die. “Oh my, can you stop saying that? Can you stop saying that I lo… that?”

He smiles sheepishly. “Okay? Er, I was saying that I was never really good at talking about my feelings. Not even to her, but… To be honest, I didn’t really have feelings for her. I mean, I like her, she’s nice! She’s pretty, and she’s my friend but… I didn’t ever feel like I loved her? And after she broke up with me, I didn’t feel like I missed being with her, like that. You know?”

“No, Snow, I don’t know.”

“You had relationships before, right?”

I’m not going to die, I’m going to kill him. “Not talking about that.”

“But you’re not talking about anything!” He sighs. “Of course you had… relationships before. You’re you.”

I look at him. “What do you mean by that? I’m me?”

“Well, you’re Baz. You’re… I don’t know. You’re Baz. You’re cool. Er, it’s not really what I wanted to say. I’m embarrassed too, this is embarrassing.” I can see he’s getting a bit red over the face. Fuck, it’s cute. Is he trying to compliment me? “I guess what I want to say is that you’re brilliant. And you’re fit too. And… You know, right? You’re great. You know what I’m talking about.”

I can’t help but laugh at that. I’m gonna burst. “No, I don’t.”

“I mean… Why wouldn’t someone like you have a girlfriend? I mean, a boyfriend, I guess.” He lays on his side, looking at me. “Are you gay?”

I roll my eyes but I’m smiling too. What is he doing to me? “Yes, Snow. I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“How did you know that?”

“You’re so annoying. You ask too many questions.” I cross my arms.

“Yeah, and you’re not answering any of them! So what’s the point?” He tries to arch his eyebrows at me, but it looks just wrong on him. It’s funny.

“I don’t know… I started to like someone. And he… was a boy. So I knew.”

“But you could like girls too,” he points out.

“No, I don’t.”

“Okay.” He seems to accept the short answer, which is a little victory. “Baz…”

“Hm?”

He pauses. He’s really looking at me and his eyes look so shiny in the light. I want to avert my gaze, but I don’t want him to know he’s making me nervous.

“If you like me… that means I can kiss you, right?”

My eyes go wide at that. Is he trying to end me? “Snow, what the fuck?!”

“No, really!” He insists. Suddenly he’s sitting again, facing me this time. “You love me, of course I can kiss you. Right?”

I shake my head. “No, that’s not the logic.”

“What is the logic then?”

“The logic would be that you’d kiss me if you liked me back. Not out of pity. I don’t want your pity kiss.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

He seems to think about that for a moment. “I don’t think I’d kiss you out of pity.”

“And why would you kiss me?”

“I don’t know… I just feel like it.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I avert my eyes. He’s being ridiculous. What is even happening here?

“What the fuck, Baz? It’s just a kiss.”

Of course. Of course it’s just a kiss to him. “Wrong answer, Snow. Crowley, why am I being so patient with you here?” I roll my eyes, but I’m actually enjoying this. He’s being so cool about it. That’s not what I was expecting at all.

He laughs a little. “Right? That’s so weird. Yes, you are. Being patient. You were never patient with me before.”

“Well, you never knew I liked you before,” I need to stop saying things like that, because I feel so awkward I can’t even look at him. And I'm letting my guard down.

“True,” he nods. Then he gets serious. “Baz… I cannot say I love you.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“No, no, wait. I cannot say that I love you, because that’s so new. I just thought about it today. But… I can say that… I wanna kiss you.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t hate me? We’re enemies.”

“Oh, you know, we’re not enemies. We’re not sworn enemies,” he smiles. “Penny said that to me, it was so weird.”

“Yes, Snow, we are sworn enemies.”

“You’re the dramatic one, not me. But let me finish, Baz.”

“Okay, finish.”

“What I’m trying to say is: now that I know that you don’t hate me, and that you actually love me, things are kind of different. I was thinking before I came here and I don’t feel like fighting you, and I don’t think you want to fight me either. So… So what I’m trying to say is that I started to see you in a whole new light.”

“I can’t believe this is happening…” Snow looks so relaxed right now. Why is he acting like everything is that easy? I want to punch him. And kiss him. “Snow, that’s not how it happens, you know? I have…loved you…since we were in fifth year. You cannot like me in one day, okay? That’s not how it works.”

“Of course that’s not how it works… I mean, wait! Fifth year? That’s a long time! Baz, you never told me that! Why did you pretend to hate me all this time?” He looks so outraged I can’t help but smile.

“It isn’t that easy. And I’m not very good at these kinds of things either, as you can see. And you were with Agatha, and I knew we wouldn’t ever be together, so I thought I’d be better keeping my distance from you. And fighting with you. Because that was better than to pretend you didn’t exist. So… yeah.”

“Hm, that makes a lot of sense, actually. I was probably going to think you were just plotting against me, anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re very good at that.”

We’re silent for a moment. It’s easy, it feels good. He’s looking at me fondly and I’m feeling all fuzzy inside.

“Can I read the rest of your diary?”

“What? Of course not.”

“Why?!”

“Because it’s my diary and it’s private.”

He pouts. “Okay. Just… I wanted to see what you wrote about me. I’m sure there’s a lot in there. It sounds fun now that I know it’s true.”

“Fun,” I sneer. “Fun, you say. It’s not fun. Loving you hasn’t been fun, Snow.”

“Aww, sorry about that.” He leans closer, all smiles. “I can make it fun, though.”

“Stop that.”

“I could!”

“Yeah? Why are you being like this? Why are you not thinking this is all so weird? Why are you not running away?”

“When have I ever run away from you, Baz?” Well, that’s a valid question. “I don’t feel like running. I’m actually really liking being here with you right now. And talking about that. And knowing that you love me. Makes me feel good… I’m sorry, I’m still processing it. But it feels good!”

“You’re crazy, Snow. You look like an excited kid.”

“Call me Simon,” he whispers. I’m staring at him and his eyes have never looked so pretty. “Can I, though…? Kiss you? I mean, I know you said I had to kiss you because I liked you, not because I pity you, and I don’t pity you. I actually… I said that already, Baz, I like being here with you. Are you going to wait for me to love you back? So that I can kiss you? Can’t it be faster?”

“Hey, you don’t get to play with my feelings. You know I do have a heart, right? It doesn’t seem like it sometimes, but I do. And you’re trying to hurt my feelings here. You can kiss me once and then pretend it never happened but I’m the one who’s going to suffer for that.”

“You’re right. Sorry. Didn’t think about that.”

“Yeah. Yes, of course you didn’t.”

“But isn’t it better to… experience that? And know how it is? Than to never know? You only live once, and shit like that?” He winks at me (fucking winks!).

“Snow, stop it!” I’m trying to be serious, but I can’t stop smiling. I’m so screwed. “Why are you pushing it?! If you really want to kiss me and to be with me, then just… be with me. We don’t have to do it today.”

“Right. We don’t have to do it today… Can I just hold your hand, then?”

“Yes… You can.”

“Okay.”

He slowly reaches for my hand, just placing his own above mine. We’re both looking at them.

“This is crazy,” I whisper.

“Yeah.”

“Snow?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you like to come with me… for Christmas?” I don’t know where that came from. But it’s not my worst idea.

“To your house?” He looks shocked.

“Yeah. I mean, we… could spend some time together. If you want.”

“But your family hates me.”

“They don’t hate you.”

“Yes, they do.”

“They don’t. Well, they won’t harm you. You’re gonna be our guest.”

He seems to think about it, then he closes his hand around mine and presses it. He’s so warm. I hope he’s not bothered by how cold I am. “Hm, okay then. I’d love to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

Is this real? I still can’t understand. I’m looking at him and he’s looking right back. But we’re not glaring at each other like we usually do, we’re just sitting here, analyzing each other’s face, as if we’re finally allowed to do this. He’s so handsome. I take this moment to appreciate each one of his moles, the ones I used to search for from afar, and that now seem to be so close to me, like I could touch them if I wanted to. And I really want to. So I do.

I reach out my hand slowly and I touch his face with my fingertips, and he lets me. He even closes his eyes as I do it. My hand shakes a little bit.

Then I touch his lower lip, and he opens his eyes again. He looks at my lips and I’m taken aback by how much I’d like to kiss him right now. Even though I said I shouldn’t. Even though I think this could be a mistake and he could break my heart as easily as he’s healing it.   

I don’t try to think too much. I know myself, I might give up if I do.

I hold his face in my hands and I kiss him.

It’s just a soft press of my lips to his, since this is so new to me and I don’t even know what I’m doing, but I feel so so good? Am I allowed to do this? One of his hands goes to my hair and I’m not in control of the sound that escapes my mouth.

I let go of his face and he smiles at me. He’s like the sun, I swear.

“What was that for?” He looks smug. “I thought you didn’t want to kiss me.”

“I never said that.”

“Well, you said you didn’t want to kiss me today.”

“I guess I changed my mind. I thought it was worth the risk. Breaking my heart and everything.”

He looks pleased. He moves to sit by my side and leans his head on my shoulder. “And was it? Worth the risk?”

“I don’t know… I guess we’ll have to do it again for me to be sure.”

He laughs again. It’s my favorite sound. “Yeah, sure. You’re so full of surprises, Baz. So that means I can kiss you now if I want to?”

I take his hand and intertwine our fingers for the second time today. “Yes, Simon. Yes, you can.”

EPILOGUE

“Dear diary,

I’ve always wondered what I’d do with my life if Simon ever found out the things I wrote here about him. If he ever found out about my feelings for him. But now I’m glad I was that careless when it did happen. I even forgave Dev and Niall for being brats and almost ruining everything.

Simon is here with me. In my house. I’m still having a hard time believing everything that’s happening these last days. (By the way, he’s not reading this, he’s taking a shower now. I won’t let him near this notebook ever again. That is, if I’m capable of hiding it from him. He’s a complete nightmare.)

It’s been three days since we arrived here and in those days we’ve grown closer than in all of the years living together in Watford. We don’t act like we hate each other or like we’re enemies. It’s almost as if we’re…boyfriends. Which we’re not. I mean, we haven’t talked about that, I don’t know if that’s what he wants. It’s what I want of course, but I’m not forcing anything on him. He only just discovered my feelings and it's still unbelievable that he's taking things so well and that he’s not freaking out, and that he actually wants to be with me. Sometimes I think maybe I should’ve confessed to him sooner. But no, I don't know if everything would’ve worked out so well in another scenario. This is good.

We’ve been kissing a lot. It’s great. He’s really eager about it, it’s cute. Of course I’m all for it too, I just try to look like I’m the cool one most of the time. Some things die hard. I’m the one who’s in love, but I’m very shy about my feelings. Saying ‘I love you’ is still so damn difficult to me. But I did say it a few times. He’s really good at making me confess things I don’t want to. It’s probably his face. And his ordinary lovely blue eyes. It’s tough to say no to him.

This is probably the happiest I’ve ever felt. And I’m not saying that to him, it’s so cheesy. That’s why I’ll never let him read this diary ever again: I feel so in love it’s embarrassing even to myself. I still can’t believe I’ve confessed to him with a Beatles song. He doesn’t seem to know it and I’m too chicken to tell him, but I think it was sweet.

Well, I think he must be almost done with his shower by now and I don't want him to see me writing here because he’ll insist on reading it, so I'd better finish. I don't know when he’ll give me time to write again. He's afraid of the wraiths in his room, so he's sleeping here in mine (I won't talk about it), which means I'm under complete surveillance.

Oh, I can hear his footsteps. I better go.

Love, Baz.”

“Listen, do you want to know a secret?

Do you promise not to tell?

Closer, let me whisper in your ear

Say the words you long to hear:

I'm in love with you”

The Beatles – Do you want to know a secret?