Chapter Text
10. MY FEELINGS THAT I TRIED TO HIDE QUIETLY CALLS OUT TO YOU WITH A LONGING VOICE
The Present | July 13, 2021
After a long night, the sun had finally risen, painting the town in its glorious yellow hue. Hyejin and Dusik found themselves cuddling on the porch, their arms and legs were tangled with each other as they lied down on the wooden bench. Their limbs were twisted in awkward positions, but somehow their bodies being so close to each other made it so comfortable.
Scattered cans of beer and some chips were beside them, evident that sleep sneakily took over in the middle of their conversation. Hyejin stirred as the bright sunlight and the warm summer air slowly pulled her back to consciousness. She slowly opened an eye, then another, and squinted at the person beside her. Recollection of last night slowly filled her memories, and she suddenly stiffened, not knowing what to do.
Last night, Hyejin kissed him, and he kissed her back. They kissed over and over again without any explanations, without knowing what would happen next. Last night felt surreal, like it was part of another lifetime, of another timeline.
The warm sunlight illuminated Dusik’s face, and he looked so peaceful in his sleep. Hyejin’s heart suddenly ached when she pictured Dusik suffering when she left. It was hell for the both of them.
“You know, it’s creepy to watch someone sleep.” Dusik mumbled, his eyes still closed.
Hyejin removed herself from Dusik’s hold and cleared her throat. “I’m not watching you sleep.”
“Hmm..” Dusik merely hummed before opening his eyes. “I never thought that I’d wake up next to you again.”
Hyejin averted her gaze from him. “Did you sleep well?”
Dusik nodded as he stretched his sore limbs. “Remind me to never sleep on the bench again.”
Hyejin chuckled. “You need to exercise more.”
Dusik rolled his eyes. “I’m going to make breakfast.”
“Oh…” Hyejin immediately stood up. “Maybe I should go…?”
Dusik stood up as well and softly grabbed her by the wrist. “Can you stay?”
Hyejin looked at his hand, then his eyes. “Should I stay?”
“Yes.” Dusik firmly answered, squeezing her wrist.
“Okay.”
The breakfast was quiet, no one dared to ask or clarify what happened last night. The tension was obvious in the air, but both of them couldn’t deny that the presence of each other greatly comforted them.
“Can I take a shower? I stink.” Hyejin asked after breakfast.
“Su-sure, no problem.” Dusik stuttered. “Uh— do you have any extra clothes?”
Hyejin shook her head. “Can I borrow yours?”
Dusik almost dropped the plates that he was washing. “O-okay… I can lend you my clothes.. And uhh— I also have a new set of boxers… they’re for men though, is that okay for you to use.. temporarily.. you can put your used clothes in the laundry..”
Hyejin chuckled, it wasn’t the first time they had done this, really. When Hyejin unexpectedly stayed over his college dorm before, she wore his clothes while she waited for her clothes to dry. “That will do. Thanks.”
“Follow me.” Dusik then prepared a fresh set of clothes and towel for her, as well as a new toothbrush, and guided her to the bathroom. “Have a nice shower.”
Hyejin let out a small laugh. “I will.”
After half an hour, Hyejin went out of the bathroom to find Dusik newly-showered as well. She noticed how she smelled like his body wash and his shampoo.
Dusik also caught a whiff of his scent on Hyejin, he used all of his might to stop himself from thinking of… things. It wasn’t helping that his oversized shirt and shorts looked so good on her, he missed this domestic sight. He tried to stop a smile when he remembered how Hyejin loved borrowing his clothes, especially his big hoodies.
“You okay?” Hyejin asked when she noticed him staring. “Thanks for the clothes, I’ve washed my clothes in the washer and dryer.”
“Okay… Hmm wanna watch a movie?” Dusik asked.
Hyejin nodded hesitantly and sat at the farthest end of the sofa while Dusik set-up the television. A horror film started playing on the huge flat screen and he sat beside her. The strong scent of his clothes on her skin was greatly distracting him.
“A horror movie? Really?” Hyejin said in a mocking tone.
“Hey, I don’t get scared of fictional ghosts anymore.” Dusik said.
Hyejin scoffed. “We’ll see.”
Not even thirty minutes to the film, Dusik was already curled up on the sofa while clutching a pillow. Only one of his eyes was open, while the other was shut firmly.
“I thought you don’t get scared of horror films anymore?” Hyejin teased.
“This is an exception… I read that it’s a true to life story.”
“So?”
“So that makes it scary! It’s not fictional.”
Hyejin chuckled and hummed. “Come here.” She motioned for Dusik to scoot closer to her. “I’ll protect little Dusikie from the monster.”
Dusik pouted but scooted beside her anyway, both of them sighed at the familiar warmth when their bodies touched. Hyejin wrapped an arm around him and caressed his back soothingly.
The movie continued to play on the background but both of them were too absorbed in reeling in each other’s warmth to fully focus on what’s happening on the screen. Dusik had never felt this relaxed and comfortable for years, same with Hyejin.
“Can you tour me around your workshop?” Hyejin asked as the movie ended. Dusik was snuggling on her lap while she was playing with his hair.
Dusik slowly sat up. “Now? It’s quite messy.”
“I don’t care, it’s a workshop anyway.” Hyejin shrugged.
Dusik then stood up and grabbed her hand. Hyejin felt a tingle at their intertwined fingers. “Let’s go.”
Dusik’s workshop was unlike any other workshop she’s been to. It had big windows which provided a clear view of the hill and the sky outside. It was fairly organized, the equipment were arranged on one side while the raw materials were stacked on the other. There was a pile of unfinished work, and Dusik referred to them as his ‘crap pile’.
“Crap pile?” Hyejin asked as she looked at the small mountain of unfinished woodworks.
“Yeah, either I wasn’t satisfied with them or I just simply made a mistake.”
Hyejin scrutinized the pile and found some good ones. “But there are decent ones though.”
“As you said, they’re just decent.”
“Still the perfectionist artist, I see.” Hyejin them moved on to a small stack of wooden canvases against the wall.
The wooden rectangular canvases had carvings in them, like a painting. Hyejin observed the imagery of the carved shapes — they were gloomy and melancholic. Most of the figures were either blurry or deteriorated, the background was filled with sharp-edged shapes tangled with each other. The images felt heavy and they brought chills to her body.
“Those were my works during the darkest time of my life.. when.. when I called off our wedding and you— you disappeared.” Dusik said, sighing.
Hyejin felt a pang on her chest as the guilt ate her up. “I’m sorry, Dusik-ah.. I’m really sorry for disappearing like a ghost.” She turned to face him.
“Don’t be, I deserved it. I was a jerk for calling off the wedding without even explaining to you why… I didn’t want to admit my feelings. I didn’t want to admit that I was unworthy.”
Hyejin reached out to him and brushed his hair away from his teary eyes. “Thank you for telling them to me now. Thank you for being brave.”
Dusik looked at her in the eyes. “Hyejin-ah, during those years that I was alone.. I realized how much of a fool I was. You— you are the only one who didn’t leave me, who never broke any promise. I was used to promises being broken, with my parents— they, they had always given me false hope.. but you never did that. You fulfilled everything you promised me, but I broke you. I broke my promise to you. I became the kind of person I hated the most.”
Hyejin felt her tears fall down from her eyes. “Dusik-ah.. don’t blame yourself so much. Maybe we needed that break, maybe that marriage would do worse to us.” She sighed. “I was used to following other people’s plans.. sometimes I felt like a pawn, like I had no free will. Out of habit, I let you control the timeline of my life.. I know you didn’t intend to do that, but I did that to myself. When you said that you wanted to get married, I dropped everything and said yes.. but I had dreams, Dusik-ah. I had my own dreams too. That was why I went to Italy right after you called off the wedding. I figured that I needed to do something for myself out of my own free will.”
Dusik nodded, he understood why Hyejin disappeared, though it didn’t make it less painful. “I wish everything happened differently though, in a less painful manner.”
Hyejin agreed. “So please tell me everything from now on.”
Dusik wiped his tears and looked at her. “You know, I’ve decided to let you go after the presentation.. but you reached out to me. Finally.. after years of waiting.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long..”
“We never really ended, did we?”
Hyejin shook her head. “Maybe I’m really a fool because I still feel the same way that summer, when we were here in Gongjin, when we were kids.”
Dusik heaved a sigh of relief. “Me too. I never stopped loving you, Hyejin-ah. Please let me continue loving you.. I— I miss you so much. You’ve always been my home.”
“I’m scared, Dusik-ah.. We still need to heal from a lot of things. I’m scared that we’ll ruin us again and this time it could be beyond repair.”
“I understand you.. I’m scared, too.. but being without you is the most terrifying thing. Being without you is hell.”
“Dusik-ah..” Hyejin placed a hand against his cheek.
“We can go slow.. We can figure it out along the way. All I’m saying is, please let’s try again?”
Hyejin nodded. “Okay.. I promise to never disappear again.”
“I promise to tell you everything from now on.”
Hyejin smiled at him. “I love you, Dusik-ah.. after all these years.”
Dusik smiled back at her, his tears brimming against his eyes. “I love you, I love you, Hyejin-ah. I’ve loved you for twelve years and I want to love you for more..”
Hyejin was also crying as she leaned forward and captured Dusik’s lips.
That was the first time that Dusik had faith in a promise.
That was the first time that Hyejin did something purely out of her emotions, with all logic aside.
For the first time in five years, the soft glow of the sun basked the two of them as they slowly kissed.
Film Roll 012 | July 17, 2021 | Documentary 2
Ji PD: “This would be our last episode for the documentary.. and I want to ask the question the viewers are most curious to know.”
Hyejin: (looks at Dusik)
Dusik: (shrugs)
Ji PD: “Twelve years ago, how did you two fall in love?”
Hyejin: (shyly laughs)
Dusik: (smiles while stealing glances at Hyejin) “Ladies first.”
Hyejin: (rolls her eyes) “Dusik is a smooth talker, he wooed me with his words.”
Dusik: (laughs) “Hey!”
Hyejin: “Keep quiet, please, it’s my turn.”
Dusik: (pretends to zip his lips)
Hyejin: “Honestly, I would like to think that there was an instant attraction between us, we’re both attractive people, after all. I found him cute and funny. He told me numerous stories, he laughed so freely, he took me to beautiful places.. I got used to seeing him everyday and when he didn’t show up for a few days I figured that I missed him.. and when I dressed up on the way to see him.. I knew that I liked him.”
Dusik: (listens with reddening cheeks)
Hyejin: “I didn’t know what came over me that night but I kissed him, it was my first kiss, mind you. We became lovers. What made me fall for him more is that he was always there for me, he cheered me up whenever I’m sad, he goes out of his way for me. He is freedom, he is an adventure.”
Ji PD: “That was such a beautiful answer, Hyejin-ssi. What about you, Dusik-ssi?”
Dusik: (looks at her) “Hyejin was right, there was an instant attraction between us. She was so beautiful and shy that I liked being with her and teasing her. I liked making her smile that’s why I told so many jokes and stories. I liked how her eyes twinkled whenever she saw something beautiful, that’s why I took her to see sunsets, breathtaking places, adventures.”
Hyejin: (smiles at him)
Dusik: “When she kissed me that night, I mustered every courage that I had to kiss her back. I mostly stuttered, though, I looked like a fool… Over the years of being her lover, I discovered how great of a person she is. She never looked down on people despite her social status, she had always been sincere. She took care of me, she even babied me.” (laughs) “With her, I wanted to become a better person, I wanted to be worth it. I may be an adventure but she’s always been my home, she’s always been where I want to stay.”
Ji PD: “Ah, you two are making me cry. Those were such beautiful words. I’m sure our viewers would love this… We actually have a surprise for everyone. We will release some unreleased footage of them from 2009.”
END OF FILM ROLL
Film Roll 010 | June 8, 2009 | Documentary 1
After Dusik showed Hyejin the view of Gongjin uphill, he planned a small picnic at the foot of the hill, near the seashore.
“Why are we going to the hill for a snack?” Hyejin asked as Dusik dragged her. They had just finished their shift in Gamri’s shop.
“You’ll see.” Dusik said as they neared the site. “Ta-da!” he dramatically pointed the site with his hands.
“Woah!” Hyejin exclaimed. There was a small tent set-up at the foot of the hill which was only a few meters from the shore. There was a picnic mat and a variety of lunchboxes. “You prepared all of these?!”
Dusik nodded proudly and pulled her towards the picnic mat. The sound of sea waves was calming as they ate the kimbap and egg rolls that Dusik prepared. The sun was slowly setting against the horizon as they told stories with each other.
“Are you having fun?” Dusik asked.
“Yes! I feel happy!” Hyejin smiled brightly at him, even brighter that the sun on the blue sky.
END OF FILM ROLL
Film Roll 011 | June 13, 2009 | Documentary 1
“AAAHHH!” Hyejin screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Just relax your body!” Dusik shouted as he held on to the wobbly bicycle.
“Dusik-ah! I will fall down!”
“No! You won’t! Just keep pedalling! And steady your arms! Look forward!”
“Those are a lot of things!”
“You can do it!”
Dusik continued to hold the bicycle by the seat as Hyejin slowly calmed down. Eventually, she was able to control the bike and started to let it go.
“Don’t let go!” Hyejin sensed the lack of support and started panicking, making her lose control.
“Hyejin-ah!” Dusik ran towards the tumbling bicycle.
“YAAHH!” Hyejin lost balance and tumbled down on the ground. Good thing she was wearing a complete gear of helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads.
“Hyejin-ah!” Dusik kneeled down to check on her. “Are you hurt?!”
Hyejin checked her arms and legs and found bruises with small scratches. “Just bruises and small cuts.”
“Oh no.” Dusik’s brows were knitted in worry. “I’ll take over the bike, sit behind me, I’ll bring you home and clean your wounds.”
“No need! I’m not a child!”
“Please?” Dusik helped her up and lifted the bike up.
“Okay.” Hyejin said in defeat.
Dusik climbed on the bike and waited for Hyejin to sit behind him. “You can hold me.”
Hyejin then shyly wrapped her arms around Dusik’s waist as he started pedalling. Her limbs hurt from falling down but her heart was beating so fast from falling for him.
END OF FILM ROLL
Film Roll 012 | June 16, 2009 | Documentary 1
Dusik had been bugging her to try surfing for weeks now. Finally Hyejin agreed, and they had been on the sea all morning. It was fun albeit challenging.
After lunchtime, they were back on the sea, and Hyejin had successfully completed a surf against a medium-sized wave. Dusik clapped for her and congratulated her.
On the way home, she dragged Dusik to their house.
“I have something for you.”
Dusik sat on the front porch. “Hmm? What is it?”
Hyejin then pointed on the long rectangular box on the floor. “Open it.”
Dusik raised an eyebrow at her out of curiosity. “This?”
“Yeah, it’s for you.”
Dusik then carefully opened the box and gasped when he saw what’s inside — a brand new surfboard made by the most famous brand in surfing gears. “Hey.. you didn’t have to— this is expensive..”
“I saw you looking at that on your phone for weeks now! I wanted to repay you for teaching me how to surf, and how to ride a bike.”
“But you didn’t have to give anything back to me.”
“But I want to give that to you. A gift. You’re my friend.”
Dusik smiled. “This is— expensive.”
“As you said before, I’ve been born with a silver spoon.”
“Thank you, Hyejin-ah.” Dusik then admired the surfboard he had been wanting for so long.
“You’re most welcome, Dusikie. Don’t hate chaebols now.”
Dusik laughed. “I still hate them, except for you, though. The only exception.”
Dusik smiled at her and Hyejin felt herself blush.
END OF FILM ROLL
Film Roll 013 | June 20, 2009 | Documentary 1
Hyejin was worried about Dusik. The boy had been sulking for a few days now. He wanted to join a surfing event a few towns away to show off his new surfboard but his grandfather didn’t allow him to. It was too far away and no one could drive him. Hyejin offered, but they were lectured by their grandparents at how dangerous it could be.
The surfing event was today and Dusik was at his grumpiest. He had been sighing all day at the shop.
After work, she found him sitting on the beach with his surfboard beside him. She had an idea.
“Dusikie.” Hyejin softly called him and handed her a vanilla ice cream cone. “I heard this is your favorite.”
Dusik accepted it. “How?”
“Yun-gyeong told me.” She then sat beside him and ate her own ice cream cone. “Still upset about that event?”
Dusik nodded.
“It’s okay, you said it’s an annual thing, so there’ll be one next year, and the year after that, and the year after. I’ll go with you.”
Dusik then looked at her. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“Hey! I’m quite good at keeping promises.”
Dusik merely hummed as he ate his ice cream.
Hyejin let him bask in silence as they watched the small waves of the sea. Dusik sighed and lied down on the mat after he finished his ice cream.
“Feeling better?”
Dusik nodded. “Strangely. Thank you, Hyejin-ah.”
Hyejin smiled at him and Dusik thought that perhaps missing that event wasn’t as bad as he thought.
END OF FILM ROLL