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“You have been very quiet, my friend.”
“Quiet? Me?” Veth hears her own voice, shrill and squeaky. “No, no, I’ve been a perfectly normal amount of quiet. Why would you think anything else?”
Caleb gives her a look, which Veth holds, daring him to disagree. He offers her a small smile. “Right,” he says simply. Veth feels her shoulders relax slightly.
“Well,” Caleb continues carefully, “I suppose I thought you might be upset. That I didn’t tell you… of my intentions. To go back to Aeor.”
From her porch, Veth can still hear the rest of the Nein’s voices drifting through the open window of the Brenatto’s new residence. They are gathered around Jester, now, watching her flip through her sketchbook and describe the many dramatic encounters she and Fjord and Kingsley have had at sea. She can hear Luc’s voice among them, an eager and vocal audience to any and all stories of adventure.
“It’s very dangerous,” she says, because Caleb is waiting for her to say something. “But you can handle yourself. You’re incredibly powerful. I don’t doubt you.”
“I know,” Caleb says. He hesitates, then sits beside her. His weight shifts the swinging bench that Yasha and Fjord had helped build into the deck. “You don’t doubt me.”
Through the open window, a softer voice reaches Veth’s ears: the softened vowels of a Dynasty accent. Veth purses her lips, wondering if she really wants to ask the question on her mind. Self-control has never been her strong suit, though.
“Why him?” She hears herself ask. “You could have asked any of us, and we’d have come.”
She knows it’s not the full truth, even as she says it. If Caleb had asked her to return to the icy ruins of Aeor with him, of course she would have wanted to help him. But she knows what her ultimate answer would have been.
He knows it, too. “I do not think that is so, anymore,” he says, and even though his voice is gentle and understanding, it still manages to sting. “Our friends have their own pursuits, now, and I would not have them sacrifice that in the name of our curiosity.” She wants to argue, because Caleb has a self-sacrificial streak a mile wide, and her instinct is still to curb it wherever possible. Instead, the only sound is the voices from inside and the clinking of the button bracelet on her wrist as she fidgets.
“But, ah, that is not an answer to your question, really,” Caleb says after a few seconds. “I guess the simple truth is that I wanted to be with him.”
It’s something she already knew, but something about it settles uncomfortably in her chest, like a shoe that doesn’t quite fit right. “Alright, sure,” she says casually. “A little… do wizards do booty calls?”
Caleb chuckles softly. “Ja. But, ah, not him, I don’t think. It was not exactly like that, anyway.”
“Yeah?” Veth raises her eyebrows. “What was it like, then?”
There is a pause, while Caleb thinks. His fingers fiddle with the end of his scarf, a familiar habit. “Essek is… brilliant,” he says, his voice low and fervent. “The way his mind works, and the way he looks at magic…” he trails off, his fingers clenching more tightly in his scarf. “Being with him, it is… something that I haven’t felt since… well… since my old friends. Bright and vibrant and so, so alive. Powerful. The thrill of it–” He turns to her, and his eyes are bright, backlit with a soft glow from the lamps inside the house. He smiles. “You know.”
She does, sort of. She doesn’t feel the pull of magic quite like Caleb. It’s a useful tool, and she enjoys the puzzle of it, the undeniable proof of her skill and ability to affect the world. But Caleb looks at magic and sees beauty, loves it with an almost childlike purity. She remembers working with him and Essek on their spell, the one that fixed her body. She remembers how ecstatic he was, after the fact, bursting with energy that she so rarely sees from him, even now.
“Sure,” she says, sensing he has more to say.
“Ja,” Caleb says. “And you know, that made me very nervous. My old friends… our passion led us astray. I saw Essek, who is brilliant like them, ambitious like them, and dangerous like them…” He frowns.
Veth bumps him from the side. “You’re not really selling me on this right now, you know, Lebby.”
“That’s the thing,” Caleb says, sounding faraway. “Magic is not the only thing Essek and I both understand. We have both done… things that we now deeply regret. Things that can never– or… Or should never be undone.” He turns to her, and his fingers are restless, drifting to his forearms before he seems to catch himself, lacing his fingers together. “We both understand that shame. And I know you will say that I do not need to carry that weight anymore. And I love you for that, and I think, after all this time, I can– I can believe you and understand why you say it. And I am trying to move forward. But it will never go away, not fully, and I would not want it to, and… and having someone around, someone who intimately understands that feeling, that weight… we have helped each other a lot.”
It’s a lot to take in. Her every instinct is to defend Caleb, especially from himself, and there is a very real part of her that balks at his words, that demands nothing less than the greatest happiness for Caleb, that won’t rest until he demands the same for himself.
But Caleb looks at her, waiting for a response, and he looks more nervous than he’s been so far, like he’s expecting her to argue. And Veth… she has had time to think. She’s thought a lot about Nott the Brave, and Veth of the Mighty Nein, and wondered who Veth Brenatto is going to be, now, if she will be able to leave those other pieces of her behind. She’s had Yeza to listen to her, to hold her and assure her that she doesn’t have to, to promise to help her carry the weight of it instead.
So instead of arguing, she turns her body to face Caleb head on. “He takes care of you?” she asks, and her voice is gentle but stern.
Caleb seems to relax slightly as he nods. “Always, yes. I… it is helpful, even just to have him near. To remember that I care for him in spite of his shame and his sins. That I think that he is trying to be a good man, and that is enough. It is easier to be kind to him than to myself, sometimes, but he reminds me to do both. And it is comforting, also, to share this weight with someone who understands– I could not bear to pull some innocent into bearing that burden. I feel guilty enough to have placed any of that burden on you all, my friends.”
“You shouldn’t,” Veth says sharply, because this she can argue with. “You’re not a burden, you’re a person, and we love you.”
Caleb smiles wryly. “I know,” he says. “But do you see? Why him, as you put it? It is not just that I care for him, though… I do. It is about what we do for each other that we are uniquely equipped for.”
And he looks comfortable, and the uncertain feeling in her stomach at the thought of Caleb and Essek alone together is starting to settle, and Veth decides this conversation has been far too serious for far too long. “Okay, okay, I get it, the sex is great,” she huffs, giving Caleb a shit-eating grin when he startles and flushes.
“Well,” Caleb’s hand rubs at the back of his neck. “I cannot say you are wrong.” At Veth’s cackle, he shakes his head, looking bashful, but pleased. “I really should not say anything more. He is very private.”
“You’re happy, though?” Veth asks, because as much as she wants to press, this has always been the most important thing to her. “He makes you happy?”
And that soft, quiet smile stays. “Ja. Very much so. Or as close to it as I can be.” He looks up to her. “He is… sweet.” At Veth’s disbelieving noise, he chuckles. “Yes, it surprised me, too. Though perhaps it should not have.”
There is still a nervousness about Caleb as he speaks, even through his pleasure. How strange, to hear him talking about something as normal as a new relationship. In some ways, it’s everything Veth has ever wanted for Caleb.
Veth hums, considering. “Well, I’ll keep an eye out. Give him a good shovel talk.”
And Caleb grins. “Go easy on him, if you can. I think he is a bit terrified of you.”
“As he should be!”
An arm wraps around her shoulder in a half hug as Caleb laughs, squeezing her next to him. The knot that has twisted in her stomach since Caleb and Essek arrived together loosens. “Just remember he is your friend too, Veth Brenatto,” he says, sounding amused.
Veth leans into the warmth. “Sure, sure,” she allows. “But you were my friend first.”
She feels Caleb’s cheek against the top of her head. “Thank you,” he says, his voice solemn.
Veth squeezes him back. “You wanna go back in? I’m sure your boyfriend already misses you.”
“Undoubtedly.” With a deep breath, Caleb stands, outstretching a hand for her to take. “Let’s return to our friends, then.”