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Kei Tsukishima sat on his bed, knees up, staring at his phone. He held a stuffed dinosaur that he had gotten from his brother in his arms, the collar of his sweat shirt pulled up to his mouth between his teeth as they ground back and forth in thought. He couldn"t figure out what was wrong with him.
He had been friends with Yamaguchi for years. He was attracted to him, how else could he explain the crush he figured out when Tadashi had tried the jump float serve in a game for the first time?
They had just finished with Nationals when Tadashi approached him and started confessing the feelings he had for Kei since middle school. Kei froze, quickly interrupting the other before he actually confessed. He felt different. He knew he never really cared for any of that mainstream romance stuff and he never hated the idea of it with Tadashi. He just felt… nothing.
"Sorry Tadashi, Akiteru wanted to talk after the match and I have to go find him." Kei pointed in the direction of the doors. It wasn"t entirely a lie. They both wanted to talk after it all, they just were originally going to do so at home.
"Oh, sorry Tsukki!" Tadashi rushed out quickly before turning away and walking over to Suga to start a conversation with him.
Kei had taken the opportunity to retreat. He did talk to Akiteru, the confession on his mind the entire time.
Kei was brought out of the memory at the sound of a knock at his door.
"Come in." He muttered, going back to biting the collar of his shirt.
The door eased open revealing his older brother, who took one look at Kei and sighed.
"What did you do?" Akiteru asked, pulling Kei"s desk chair over to the bed to sit in while they talked.
"After Nationals, before I came to talk to you-" Kei started as he hit the power button on his phone and tossed it to the side on his bed "- Tadashi started to tell me he has feelings for me."
Akiteru"s eyebrows shot up, slightly surprised the boy in question had mustered up the courage to do so. He also wasn"t sure where this was going.
"I"ve been attracted to him too, but when he started confessing, I just felt nothing." Kei muttered, eyes clenched shut. "I thought I liked him too and every ounce of it I had just left all at once. I don"t know what to do Aki- I don"t want to hurt him."
Akiteru listened, hand moving to his brother"s back to calm him with gentle circles.
"I know you don"t, Kei. Let"s talk this through okay?"
"Okay." Kei answered back in a whisper, releasing his sweatshirt from his teeth as he opened his eyes and turned his gaze to his brother.
"How do you feel when you think about being in a relationship?"
"Sounds like a burden." Kei answered easily. When he realized what he said he backtracked. "I don"t think Tadashi is a burden though."
"I know Kei. Both of those feelings can coexist." Akiteru said, pushing some of the hair out of Kei"s face.
"Are you sure?" He whispered.
"More than. Now, could you ever see yourself getting married to someone?" Akiteru asked softly.
"No, the idea of it makes me uncomfortable. I don"t understand why anyone would get married. It just feels-" Kei paused as he struggled to find the word that described the block in his chest that formed when he thought of being married. "Weird."
The silence that followed lasted only a moment.
"Kei, as I grew up. I"ve had the opportunity to learn a lot, such as who I"m attracted to, whether or not I want relationships and marriages, and I"ve learned a lot of words that give people a way to identify and feel validated and comfortable in who they are. When I was learning such things I found a description of something I think you might relate to." Akiteru grabbed his phone and typed something in the search engine before handing it to his brother to read.
"People who are aromantic are people who don"t experience romantic attraction at all. How they feel towards romance can differ, that being they could be hopeless romantics, or repulsed at the idea of romance. It"s also a spectrum. Some people are completely aromantic while others may experience romantic attraction under certain conditions or only once in a while." Akiteru stopped talking after that, letting Kei read.
Once he was done he handed the phone back to Akiteru.
"You don"t think I"m broken? Or a bad person?" Kei asked, voice wavering as he looked to his brother with tears in his eyes.
Akiteru offered Kei a gentle smile and tilted his head. "I would never think that Kei."
Kei leaned over and hugged his brother tightly, Akiteru reciprocating the hug with just as much pressure, waiting for Kei to let go first when he was ready.
Once they separated, Akiteru looked at his brother.
"Being aromantic doesn"t take away your choices either. You can be in a relationship if you want to be in one, whether you"re romantically attracted to them or not. You don"t have to be in a relationship either. You can have purely platonic friendships or non platonic friendships. The choice is yours, and if you want to try a relationship of some sort, theirs as well. Don"t stress about it too much, Kei. You have all the time in the world to figure it out."
Kei listened to his brother, nodding as he spoke.
"What if I"m not capable of loving anyone?" Kei asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.
Akiteru shrugged. "You don"t have to love someone to care about them. You can be friends with people, like them, care about them, and not love them. And you don"t have to try to compensate with platonic, sexual, or familial love if you don"t experience romantic love. You can be loveless."
Kei took a deep breath. "Wait- but why was I attracted to Tadashi before?"
Akiteru shrugged as he leaned back in the chair.
"There"s a lot of different ways attraction manifests. Platonic, aesthetic, romantic, sexual, I"m sure the list goes on, but I don"t have them all memorized. It"s also possible to just find people attractive in general and want nothing to come from it, or for attraction to end if interest is reciprocated. It"s just as uncontrollable as any other form of attraction."
"Thanks Aki."
"Anytime Kei."
They sat in a comfortable silence as Akiteru gave Kei comfort and Kei calmed down.
"I think I want to give Tadashi a call if you don"t mind?" Kei told his brother,
"Yeah. Do some research into everything, Kei. I think it"ll help you more." Akiteru ruffled Kei"s hair before moving the chair back and leaving.
Kei waited until his door was shut before he called Tadashi, who picked up after the second ring.
"Hey, Tadashi… I think I"m aromantic."