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He's Totally Photoshopped

Summary:

Remus is trying to work on a paper when his phone keeps buzzing with incoming messages.

AKA

Sirius is an idiot, and accidently texts Remus instead of his brother.

Notes:

I swear I'll get back to my multi chapter at some point, I'm just really stuck on the Christmas chapter; AND I joined Rémálom's challenge back in March and just realized I still haven't written the five works for it, and the deadline is 31 January, so I'm focusing on that rn.

This was written for the prompt 'texting'.

Can you tell I'm getting even less creative with titles?

I'm not completely convinced I formatted this right, but I really don't know what else to do, so this is how it is.

Everything said, you know the drill: English is still not my mothertongue, mistakes are all mine, yadda yadda yadda.

Work Text:

Unknown: Hey

Unknown: I know you didn’t want me to find your number, but Andy was worried, and also, she can’t resist my charm (who can?)

Unknown: Please don’t hex her the next time you meet

Unknown: Anyway, she told me you left Wally and are now living among Muggles, and I just want to say, I’m really fucking sorry, and I’m proud of you, and can we please meet up?

Unknown: Please please please

Unknown: Wherever you want

Unknown: Please

 

Remus stared at the texts he had received in quick succession and that were definitely not meant for him. He wanted to ignore them and go back to his paper, but the desperation was showing too strongly through the texts. He sighed and tapped out an answer.

 

Remus: I think you’ve got the wrong number, mate

Remus: I don’t know an Andy

Remus: And I definitely wouldn’t mention hexing someone, I could be a Muggle

Remus: Do you want to get into trouble for breaking the Statute of Secrecy?

 

He dropped his phone and went back to reading the article he wanted to use as a source, but it went off with a new text as soon as it touched the sheets. Remus groaned but grabbed his phone again. He might as well take a break.

 

Unknown: Reg, please, don’t be like that

Unknown: I get you’re angry with me

Unknown: But please let me make it up to you

Unknown: I know it’s been a few years

Unknown: But you’re still my brother

Unknown: Please

 

Remus stared, wide-eyed, at his phone. The person on the other end thought they were texting their brother?

 

Remus: Sorry, not a Reg

 

Remus snapped a selfie and sent it with the caption ‘Hi, I’m Remus, and I really need to finish this paper.’ He immediately received an answer.

 

Unknown: Oh dear Merlin I’m so fucking sorry

Unknown: I messed up the number

Unknown: Mixed up the last few digits

Unknown: Hi Remus, I’m Sirius, and I’ll let you get back to your paper now

 

Attached, he sent a selfie, which made Remus groan. There was no way the man in the picture was this Sirius he was texting; no man was that pretty. He looked like he had stepped out of Remus’ dreams, with his long, wavy black hair, and the tattoos covering his collarbones, that five o’clock-shadow, the piercings lining his ears, and that fucking leather jacket. No, it must have been photoshopped.

Remus sighed and rubbed his face. It didn’t matter what this guy looked like, he was probably straight. And he’d run once he learned Remus’ secret.

With one last sigh, he saved the picture nonetheless, and turned back to his paper.

 

*

 

About a week later, just after the full moon, Remus woke up to a bunch of texts from Sirius. He rubbed his eyes, quickly checked for any injuries (old habits die hard, even when he’d been taking Wolfsbane Potion for years), then checked his phone.

 

Sirius: Hi, you probably don’t care, but I figured I might as well

Sirius: Reg finally texted back and I’m meeting him at Andy’s this weekend

Sirius: Andy is our cousin, btw, short for Andromeda

Sirius: Have you finished your paper? My Muggle-born friend says it’s like an assignment at college, so you’re in college? What are you studying?

Sirius: Also, you look around my age but I don’t remember ever seeing you at Hogwarts, did you attend a different school?

Sirius: Wait, are you a Squib? Shit, you may be a Squib and I’m asking which school you attended, I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me

Sirius: Though you’re probably not even reading these texts

Sirius: Anyway, I’ll stop making an arse out of myself now

Sirius: Prongs is already laughing at me

Sirius: I need new friends

Sirius: My current ones are terrible

Sirius: If you do read this, wanna meet for coffee? Or whatever your choice of caffeine is?

Sirius: I personally hate coffee and only sometimes drink tea

Sirius: But I smoke to stay awake a lot

Sirius: And I’ll shut up now, here’s a picture of Padfoot, hope you like dogs

 

Remus’ head was spinning by the time he reached the photo at the end. It was of a cute, if enormous, bear-like black dog. Remus couldn’t be sure, but he guessed Padfoot was almost as big as his wolf form.

He ran a hand through his hair, debating what to answer. Even if Sirius didn’t look like the guy in the picture, he sounded funny, and Remus could use a pen pal. Or texting pal. His ma was always grilling him about friends and dates.

 

Remus: Hi Sirius, sorry, I just woke up

Remus: Had a rather rough night

Remus: You’re right, I didn’t attend Hogwarts, I was home-schooled most of my life for personal reasons

Remus: I even took OWLs and NEWTs at home

Remus: I study English Literature and History

Remus: I’m happy for you that your brother agreed to meet up, good luck

Remus: If you know a great teahouse that is NOT Rosa Lee’s, I’m all ears

 

He didn’t have to wait long before a new text popped up on the screen.

 

Sirius: Thanks! I’ll keep you updated on how it goes

Sirius: Ugh, I would have hated being home-schooled, sounds like hell to me

Sirius: But then again I didn’t run away from my birth parents at 16 for nothing

Sirius: Shit, that’s tmi, isn’t it? Sorry

Sirius: Anyway, rough night? And you’re texting me instead of round two?

 

Remus snorted a laugh at that last text.

 

Remus: Not that kind of a rough night

Remus: And please don’t, my Ma grills me enough about my love life

Remus: Which is non-existent for the same reason I was home-schooled

Remus: But Ma is a Muggle and still believes in fairy tales and happy endings

Remus: Sorry to hear about your family, though I’m glad you got out

Remus: Is that why you lost contact with your brother?

Remus: You don’t have to answer that

 

Sirius: Yeah, well, I don’t talk about my shitty parents until at least the second date

Sirius: Though people still tend to run upon hearing who they are

Sirius: Or they only stay for the money

Sirius: Which is why I haven’t dated in years

Sirius: What’s your excuse?

 

Remus frowned. What kind of a person left a date because of their last name? He could understand why someone wouldn’t date a werewolf, but why would a last name be a dealbreaker?

 

Remus: I have a condition that is… not easy to live with

 

Sirius: Muggle or magical?

 

Remus: What?

 

Sirius: Your condition

Sirius: Muggle or magical?

Sirius: Is it like, I don’t know, AIDS? Or is something off with your magic?

 

Remus sighed. Would he really trust this random stranger with his secret?

 

Remus: It’s tied to the wizarding world, but there’s nothing wrong with my magic

 

Sirius: Can’t the healers do anything about it?

 

Remus: They can’t do anything about it, it’s not that kind of a condition

Remus: There’s a potion that makes it easier

Remus: But that doesn’t help with discrimination

 

Sirius: I fucking hate the wizarding world sometimes

Sirius: They discriminate against anything and everything

Sirius: If you have the wrong last name, or love the wrong person, or have the wrong blood

Sirius: It’s sickening

 

Remus couldn’t agree more. The Muggle world, even with its faults, was a lot more accepting than the wizarding one.

 

Sirius: And it’s much worse if they can find multiple things why they should hate you

Sirius: Like, a lot of people will avoid me just because of my family name, but when they learn I’m also gay, it gets a lot worse

Sirius: It makes dating pretty fucking difficult

Sirius: I refuse to drag a Muggle, who can’t protect himself against magic, into this mess

Sirius: But wizards are also not an option for their judgmental ways

Sirius: And I’m rambling, please stop me

 

Remus: I like your rambling

Remus: I totally agree, though in my case it’s my condition, not my family

Remus: And I’m bi, which means everyone always keeps telling me to just make up my mind

Remus: It’s infuriating

 

‘Shit, I shouldn’t have written that,’ Remus muttered, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

Sirius didn’t seem to mind, though.

 

Sirius: A secret for a secret?

Sirius: I’ll tell you my last name if you tell me your condition

 

Remus stared at the last text with wide eyes. That was a terrible idea. It was only the second time he was chatting with this guy. He really shouldn’t.

Yet, he found himself considering it.

‘Fuck it,’ he muttered, lifting his shirt and snapping a picture of the bitemark on his left side. He’d let Sirius figure it out for himself.

 

Sirius: What

Sirius: Fuck, is that you? Where’d you get all those scars?

Sirius: And is that Shit, you were bitten by a werewolf, weren’t you?

Sirius: You said you didn’t attend Hogwarts because of it

Sirius: You were bitten as a kid? Fuck

Sirius: I can’t believe you missed out on Hogwarts because of it

Sirius: It’s fucking UNFAIR

 

A surprised smile was playing on Remus’ lips as he read the string of texts. He quickly typed a response.

 

Remus: I chose not to go

Remus: Wanted to get a Muggle education as well

Remus: It’s easier to hide this in the Muggle world

Remus: I was five btw

Remus: My dad pissed off Greyback who bit me in revenge

 

Sirius: Fuck I hate Greyback

Sirius: Met him a few times at my parents’

Sirius: He’s a terrible person

Sirius: I mean, he hangs around my parents, so what else can he be

Sirius: Right, my parents

Sirius: My full name is Sirius Alphard Black

Sirius: I was born Sirius Orion Black

Sirius: But I changed my middle name to Alphard after my uncle as soon as I could

Sirius: He’s one of the few okay relatives I have

Sirius: Besides cousin Andy, and apparently my brother Regulus

 

Remus frowned. He knew that name. Everyone in the wizarding world was familiar with the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. But this guy didn’t sound anything like a stuck-up pureblood. Maybe because he’s not a stuck-up pureblood, his mind supplied.

 

Remus: I heard there was a Black who was sorted into Gryffindor the year I was supposed to start Hogwarts

Remus: Was that you?

 

Sirius: I was in Gryffindor, yeah

Sirius: Wait, you would have started that year

Sirius: I hate our society

Sirius: We could have known each other for a decade if our stupid society weren’t so judgmental against werewolves?!

 

Remus couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up his chest. Sirius was crazy, there was no other word for it.

 

Remus: You realize most people’s reaction to meeting a werewolf is to either run or curse them?

 

Sirius: I’m not most people

Sirius: And I don’t see you running either

Sirius: Which is what most people do when they meet a Black

 

Remus: I’m not most people, either

Remus: Though we could argue whether I count as a person

Remus: A big chunk of the Ministry doesn’t think so

 

Sirius: YES YOU DO

Sirius: Don’t be stupid

Sirius: Just because you spend one night every month running around as a wolf, you’re still human

Sirius: Do you need Wolfsbane Potion?

Sirius: My friend is a healer and a genius with potions

Sirius: I could ask her to brew it for you

Sirius: I mean, she’s brewing it anyway for some of her patients at St Mungo’s

 

Remus: Thank you

Remus: But I already get it from St Mungo’s, so there’s really no need

Remus: Your friend sounds great, though

 

Sirius: She is!

Sirius: She’s home with the Prongslet, yet she still finds time to brew the potion and check in with her patients

Sirius: Prongslet is her and Prongs’ kid

Sirius: And my godson

 

He attached a picture, Remus guessed of himself and his godson. It was the same possibly-photoshopped guy, though this time his hair was up in a messy bun which was doing things to Remus, he was wearing a Queen tee, and he was holding a tiny, dark-skinned baby with a bird’s nest of black hair.

 

Remus: Wait, do you really look like that?

 

Sirius: … Yes?

Sirius: You don’t like the tattoos? Or the piercings? Or is it the hair?

 

Remus: No no no no you misunderstand me

Remus: You look fucking photoshopped

Remus: You can’t actually look that good

 

Sirius: Well, let me take you out for a cup of tea, and you’ll see that I do actually look that good

 

Remus snorted out a laugh. This guy was unbelievable.

 

Remus: We could get something to go, and then you could bring Padfoot

 

Sirius: Sorry, can’t do

 

Remus: What, he isn’t yours?

 

Sirius: No, that’s-

Sirius: Okay, don’t laugh at me, but that’s actually me

Sirius: I’m an Animagus

Sirius: Please don’t make the black dog joke

 

Remus: What black dog joke?

Remus: Wait, Sirius is the Dog Star

Remus: Okay, okay, sorry

Remus: I won’t make the black dog joke

Remus: But if it makes you feel any better, my name is Remus Lupin and I’m a werewolf

Remus: You cannot top that

 

Sirius: You mean because of Lupin?

 

Remus: You’re not familiar with Roman mythology, are you?

Remus: Remus, and his twin Romulus, were raised by a wolf

Remus: My Ma’s maiden name is Howell, and my father’s first name is Lyall, which also means wolf

Remus: You really can’t top this

 

Sirius: Shiiit

Sirius: No I can’t

Sirius: The universe is fucking ridiculous

Sirius: Anyway, there’s a nice Muggle teahouse not far from the Leaky Cauldron, we could go there

Sirius: Then you could walk Padfoot if you want

Sirius: Is that strange?

Sirius: I can’t tell

Sirius: My best mates are also Animagi so my sense of strange got screwed a long time ago

Sirius: I talk to a deer and a rat on a regular basis

Sirius: Finding a rat riding a deer in the middle of our dorm room is just another Tuesday night for me

 

Remus: You’re ridiculous

Remus: And maybe stay human the first time we meet in person, okay?

Remus: Promise I will too

Remus: And we’ll go from there

 

Sirius: Fine

Sirius: But let me know if you change your mind

Sirius: About me as a dog, not about meeting up

Sirius: You’re not getting out of that

Sirius: What day works for you next week?

Sirius: I’ll probably be a nervous wreck for the rest of this week

Sirius: And also, I can tell you all about how things go this weekend then

 

Remus: Tuesday?

Remus: Wait no, I’ve got a check-in with my healer on Tuesday

Remus: Wednesday brunch?

Remus: I’ve got class from 4pm

Remus: But I’m free until then

 

Sirius: I can do Wednesday

Sirius: Say, 11am in front of the Leaky Cauldron?

Sirius: Muggle side

 

Remus: Works for me

Remus: See you then

Remus: And don’t be a nervous wreck, I’m sure everything will go alright with your brother

 

Sirius: I’m not

Sirius: But Andy will be there in case it goes tits up

Sirius: See you on Wednesday

 

Remus smiled at his phone before he dropped it on his bed and walked to the kitchen to eat something. He was always famished after a full.

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