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“ It was 6:14 and you could barely even read. All the words you'd written down of why it was time for you to leave. Your phone was on the ground and you could barely hear it ring. Couldn't even hear a sound couldn't feel a single thing. ”
“Hey Love, where are you going?” Lily mumbled from the bed.
“I’m just getting a drink, I’ll be back in a sec.” James said, hoping she wouldn’t question him further. She didn’t, she was back asleep in moments.
James gently closed the door, leaning his forehand against it for a moment. He didn’t feel right, there was a tight pressure in his chest and a loud ringing in his ears. He didn’t like it at all. He made him feel uncomfortable and it was getting harder for him to breathe. He glanced down at his clothes, for once grateful that he slept in a shirt and shorts rather than just his boxers. He headed out into the lounge, grabbing his sneakers before lacing them up and heading outside. James didn’t know where he was going, considering that it was 2am in the morning, but he needed to escape and didn’t know what else he could do.
45 minutes later, James was back at his front door, out of breath and the pressure in his chest was still there. He gasped, fingers digging into his side, trying to dislodge the stitch there.
Slumping on the sidewalk, James clawed at his throat. There was something hard and uncomfortable stuck there, making it hard for him to swallow and breathe. He was scared. He didn’t know what was happening to him. The ringing sound was back, louder than before. He could feel tears sliding down his cheeks and could taste their saltiness on his tongue. James didn’t know what has happening to his body. He just wanted to fucking breathe god dammit. His hand was in his hair, roughly pulling at the strands, but he could barely feel it. It was like his body had gone numb. He couldn’t feel the cold of the night or the roughness of the pavement below him.
James pulled his phone out, blindly pulling up his contacts, before calling Remus. It rang for a couple of beats, before Remus’ disgruntled voice came down the line, “Remus. Help.”
James awoke to the ceiling of the spare room in his house. Remus was a sleep beside him. How had he gotten here? The last thing he remembers is being outside, unable to breathe, trying to call Remus.
“Moons?” James gently shook the sleeping man next to him. He felt a little guilty, for waking him but he desperately wanted to know how he got inside.
“Mmm,” Remus buried his head into the pillow, stretching his arms out. “You alright, Prongs?”
James shrugged, “What on earth happened last night?”
Remus turned to face him, “You don’t remember?” James shook his head. “Right well you called me last night at like 2:45 am asking me for help, which totally freaked me out by the way, so thanks.” He gently nudged James shoulder, “So I raced over here to find you, and you passed out on the pavement out the front of your house. I freaked out because I didn’t know what had happened to you, so I went to sit you up against the pillar outside, and you came back to, thankfully. You said to me ‘Remus, pressure here. Scared.’ then passed out again. So I lifted you inside, and put you on the bed so you could sleep for a while. Guess I feel asleep too.”
Shit, James didn’t remember half of that.
James let out a sharp breathe, thankful that Remus, “Thank you, Remus. I woke up last night, and I had a mounting pressure in my chest. Which freaked me out, so I went out for a run to try and clear my head but it didn’t really help me. Then the next thing I remember is that my body was going numb, I couldn’t breathe and I got so scared. I had to call someone, so I called you.”
Remus smiled at him, “I’m so glad that you did.” He hesitated for just a moment, “James? Have you ever had a panic attack?”
When James shook his head, Remus sighed and explain to him what it was. The more James listened to Remus’ words, his eyes grew. That’s exactly how he felt like, last night.
“So I wasn’t dying? It was just having a panic attack.”
“By the sounds of it, it was a pretty intense one at that.”
James was lost for words, he couldn’t help but feel like his mind and body was betraying him in some way. Before either man could say anything more, Sirius’ name lit up James’ phone. “Shit, what’s the time? The others must be worried. They didn’t even know that I left last night. Oh fuck, I’m not ready to tell them yet. Shit shit shit. Remus!”
“James, stop. Take a breath. That’s it. Let’s head upstairs and we can just tell the others that I was having a rough night, so I came over and you kept me company.”
James hugged Remus tightly, “You’d do that for me?”
“Of course. What are best mates for?”
—————————
“Now It's 6:15 and you're on your knees, blood is on your sleeves, and your lungs won't breathe, eyes are watering, body's shivering, and you're wondering what is happening.”
James sinks to his knees, gasping for his breath. Fingers clawing at his shirt trying to pull it off his body. He doesn’t have much luck. He can feel the cold of the tiles beneath him seeping into his pants but he doesn’t have it in him to care right now. All he can focus on is the panic coursing through him and the burning feeling under his skin.
His shaking hands finally mange to pull his shirt off but it does nothing to ease the pressure in his chest. His vision tunnels and the ringing in his ears grows louder. Belatedly, James realises that this is the worst panic attack that he has ever had. He pushes his back into the wooden door behind him, knees pulled up to his chin. Trying to get enough oxygen into his lungs. Nothing was working. James honestly thought that he might die right there on the bathroom floor.
James’ cheeks are sticky, with another round of tears soon on their way. He has a feeling that if his stomach wasn’t empty, he would have been emptying it into the toilet.
He gasps when a sharp ringing noise cuts through his muddled mind. His eyes slowly focus on his phone which is vibrating a few feet away from him. Remus’ name lighting up the screen. Shit shit shit.
James wants to reach for the phone, mostly to get it to stop ringing but his limbs refuse to cooperate. His mind is foggy and he feels so tired but breathing has become a little easier now. His hands aren’t shaking as much.
He takes a deep breath, grateful to feel his lungs fill back up with air. He reaches for his phone just as it automatically sends Remus to voicemail. Fuck.
Roughly wiping under his eyes, James clears away the last of his tears. The burning feeling hasn’t left his skin. But he can ignore it, he always has. James pulls himself off the floor, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit. His hair was more of a frazzled mess than usual, and his eyes were bloodshot. Shit, Remus was going to know what happened.
James grabbed the hand towel from the side of the sink, scrubbing his face with it, hoping to bring so colour back into his skin. He didn’t have much luck, he mostly just made himself a little red from the aggressiveness of it all. Fuck, he hated being weak. He hated that his body betrayed him like this. That his body would rob him of all his senses and fill his body with such a horrid feeling of dread.
Grabbing his shirt and phone off the floor, James pulls open the door only to immediately shut it when he sees Remus standing on the other side. Well shit, this isn’t going to be easy to explain.
“James?” He can hear the worry in Remus’ voice even through the door. Shit shit shit. No. James decides that he’s just going to spend the rest of his life in the bathroom, he was never going to face his friend again.
He cleared his throat, “I’m fine!” he called out, wincing at the break in his voice.
“Can I come in?” James shook his head, before realising that Remus couldn’t see him.
“It’s okay, I’m fine! I’ll be out in a sec okay?”
“Sure mate, whenever you’re ready.”
15 minutes later found James walking out into his lounge room, shirt back on. He tried to ignore the way that Remus’ eyes followed him across the room and he sunk into one of the arm chairs, pulling a pillow into his lap.
“Er- sorry about that mate,” James says while his fingers twist the black, string bracelet on his wrist.
Remus shook his head, clearing his thoughts, “It’s alright. What’s going on?” He had a feeling that something was going on with James, and tonight confirmed his suspicions. He felt a little guilty that he hadn’t noticed sooner, that something was going on with his friend.
“Nothing, everything has been sorted,” James groans at the glare Remus gives him. “There’s no point of lying to you right? The panic attacks are back.”
James turns his head away, focusing out the window, trying to ignore the sad look on Remus’ face. “Oh James, I’m sorry. What can I do to help?”
James shook his head, “Thank you. But I’m fine. I can manage them.”
“Yes because that end up so well last time!”
“I was fine!”
“James, I had to break into your house at 3am last time, because you thought you were dying and didn’t want to wake up Lily or Sirius. How is that fine?”
James could feel his thought closing up as the onslaught of memories came back to him, “I didn’t realise that was such an issue for you Moons.”
Remus stared at James in disbelief, where had that come from? He never once has an issue with James coming to him after his panic attacks. If anything, he was grateful that James did. He was grateful that James allowed him to help him, just as James always did to him. “It’s never an issue James. Never have I ever once thought that helping you was an issue. You’re my friend Prongs, I’m always here for you. Whatever you need.”
James sniffs, awkwardly rubbing his nose, “Thanks Remus, you know how much that this means to me.”
“It’s alright. Now, what can I do to help? Do you want to talk? Or we could put on a movie, or we could play Mario Cart-“
James laughed at Remus’ rambling, “A movie sounds good yeah? I’ll go make some popcorn.”
As James walked past Remus’ couch, the other man gently grabbed his hand and squeezed, “Thank you for letting me in James. I’m always going to be here for you.”
—————————
“Now It's 6:23, and they're on their knees, begging Jesus please, can you make her breathe cause they finally see what was happening underneath their nose and underneath your sleeves.”
Sleep wasn’t a common thing for Remus lately, often his nights were filled with reading or watching the television. However, what they were not filled with, were early morning calls from his best friend.
“Hello?”
James’ shaky voice came from the other side of the phone, “Hey Rem, did I wake you?”
James’ tone of voice, set Remus on edge. James was always the put together one of their little group of four, to hear him on edge immediately put Remus on edge. “Honestly I don’t even know what sleep is at this point, James. Is everything okay?”
Remus could hear the soft sniffles coming from James and his alarm grew. He quietly changed out of his pyjamas, his full attention on his phone. “Yeah,” James said, “It’s just that Sirius and Lily are away on their spa weekend for Lily’s bachelorette party as I was just wondering if you could come over? Maybe? If not, that’s totally cool! You’re probably really busy anyway-“
“James! Stop. Take a breath for me,” He waited until he heard James take a breath before continuing. “I literally have no plans today, I can come over okay? Have you eaten anything today?”
“No.”
“Okay, well I’ll be over at your house in half an hour okay? I’ll grab something on the way there.”
“Thanks Moony.”
True to his word, half an hour later, Remus was on the Potter’s front doorstep. Before he had the chance to knock, James pulled the door open. “Hi.”
James looked ill. He was pale, with bloodshot eyes, and was wearing a hoodie despite it being the middle of summer. Remus was worried, something was wrong with James. He wondered if James was going to open up to him.
“Come in,” James said, as he grabbed the food bag from Remus, walking into the kitchen. Remus knew his way well enough around the house, he was practically over everyday. Kicking his shoes off by the door, he padded after James, his stomach rumbling.
In the kitchen, James was setting the food out on two plates, looking distressed. Remus could see little drops of sweat on James’ forehead. He had to be hot in his hoodie. Remus felt hot just looking at him. He wondered why he hadn’t at least rolled up his sleeves.
Quietly thanking James, Remus sat down at the table, motioning for James to sit across from him. Neither man made a move to eat though. Remus stared at James, while James stared at his plate.
“So,” Remus started, unsure what was happening, but wanting to help his friend in anyway. James’ eyes snapped to his, “Would you like to talk about what’s going on?”
James roughly shook his head, eyes once again leaving Remus’. James looked so small and Remus hated that. His friend was obviously hurting and all he wanted to do was help. “Okay, well I’m here to talk when you’re ready.” They are breakfast in silence, leaving their dishes in the sink, before migrating into the living room.
Remus was at a loss. There was very clearly something wrong with James. He was sitting on the couch, knees tucked under his chin. A far off look on his face, “I had a panic attack earlier.”
“Oh James, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong.” He pulled at the sleeves of his hoodie, worried about what Remus would say if he saw what was underneath. “Do you remember when I told you that I would get a burning sensation under my skin?” Remus nodded, his stomach churning. He didn’t think he was going to like were this conversation was going.
“Right well I woke up to panic attack this morning. I must of had a nightmare. I don’t really remember. I woke up to my chest feeling tight and my hands shaking. So I went to bathroom, to get some cold water to splash on my face. My therapist said that it could help. But it didn’t, at least not enough. So I was on the floor post-panic attack and the burning under my skin just wouldn’t go away and I just had to get it out Remus. So I freaked out and I did the first thing I could think of. I tried to cut it out of my arm.” Remus’ eyes snapped to his arms, immediately filled with tears.
“Oh James. I’m so sorry.” Remus stood up, “Did you clean them at all?” He asked gently. James shook his head. “Okay well I’m just going to get the first aid kit, yeah? I’ll be back in just a second.”
In the bathroom, Remus took a second to breathe. He felt horrible. He hadn’t realise that James’ panic attack had gotten that bad. He chasten himself immediately, knowing that he couldn’t make this about himself. He didn’t want James to shut down like he usually did when someone else was hurting too. He wanted James to open up to him, to let him help, the way that James often did to the others. Wiping away his tears, he grabs the first aid kit and a warm, wet cloth before walking back into the living room.
“Are you mad at me?” Were the first words out of James’ mouth when Remus walked back into the room.
“Of course not, James. I’m not going to get mad at you, not for this.” James nodded, subconsciously pulling his injured arm in front of him.
Remus knelt down in front of James cautiously. He gently held his hand, “Do you mind if I just clean them please?” James nodded, looking away, afraid of Remus’ reaction, thrusting his arm out at Remus. Remus took a moment to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to see. He gently rolled up James’s sleeve muttering a quiet apology when James winced. Harsh, angry red marks littered his previously unmarked skin. It was completely covered from wrist to elbow crease. Some lines were going vertically, some horizontally and more often than not, the lines were crossing over with each other. Remus felt guilty. He wish that he could have helped his friend more. “Are you okay if I clean it now?” Slowly, Remus used the dried up and crusty blood that was left over on James’ skin. He was being gently, intently watch James’ face to see if he was in any pain. If he was, he never once showed it. Remus then put gauze on his arm and wrapped it up before gently pulling James’ sleeve back down. “There.” James opened his eyes, “Thank you Rem.”
“You know that I’m always here for you.”
Tears immediately filled James’ eyes, “God I’m so sorry Remus.”
Remus quickly pulled James into his arms, ignoring the wetness that was slowly soaking his shoulder. “Hey no, none of that now. It’s okay James. You’re my best mate, yeah? I love you. We all do. I’m here for you no matter what.”
Remus rubbed James’ back, allowing the other man to cry on his shoulder. He tried to gently shuffle them around so he could move himself and James into a more comfortable position, but James’ shot up, scrubbing his face with his hands. “Shit. I’m sorry, I was practically using you as a tissue.” He sniffled softly, trying to block the sob that was crawling it’s way up his throat.
Remus pulled James back into the hug,
“It’s okay, I promise. I told you, I’m here for anything you need.” Another sob burst out of James’ mouth and buried his head into Remus’ shoulder wishing that he could just get his shit together. Both men sat on the floor, long after James’ tears and stopped.
“My therapist wants to try me on anti-anxiety meds.”
“That sounds like it might be a good idea,” Remus said cautiously, “How do you feel about it.”
James pulled at his hoodie sleeves, rolling them both up, “I agree with her.”
Remus nodded, “I’m so proud of you James. Have you thought about telling Sirius and Lily yet?”
“Yeah, I wanted to tell them last year, but with Lily’s bachelorette and my bachelor’s party, and the wedding. I just didn’t think the time was right.”
“I understand,” Remus pulled his friend in for another hug, “I know that it’s going to be hard, but I promise that I’m going to be here for you no matter what.”