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There remained a silence, but Yoongi didn't mind it, he embraced the silence, it stayed with him and stayed at his side for a long, long time. The only sound was the clock on the wall. It was 23:30 p.m.
While he was in isolation after a brief but intense stay in the United States, he arrived in Korea knowing beforehand that he would have to undergo a few weeks of preventive seclusion. That was not the surprise, what was unexpected, however, was the fact that he contracted the dreaded virus that caused the pandemic in 2020. Min Yoongi got Coronavirus. It didn't take long for the company's official announcement to come out, but it also didn't take long for fans to express their concern for his health. Yoongi didn't like that, he didn't like to see others worried about him because he simply felt like a burden. It didn't take him long to write a simple message on Weverse for the fans. "I'm fine, don't worry :)" but it was to no use, he knew many would worry anyway. Knowing what the responses would be like, this rapper had it all very well planned out, and when he found out he was sick, he decided to lie because after all, Yoongi did have symptoms.
In the beginning, this artist knew how to cope with such symptoms. It was almost like a cold, but more than a cold. Gradually, Yoongi understood the seriousness of the issue because he began to have more than just discomfort. His head ached as if it were a bad migraine, even his eyes felt heavy and sore as he opened and closed his eyelashes, his body was hot and he barely had the strength to get out of bed. "Just a few more days and this will pass" he said to himself, he had read somewhere that the strong symptoms last for the first three or four days and then everything would settle down, isn't that right?
Well, he was wrong.
A week had passed by, and Yoongi showed no signs of improvement. This cold - which was not a common cold - was even giving him trouble breathing. Yoongi did not disclose anything since he had lied that he had no symptoms in the first place. He could endure an accident, he could endure the agony of appendicitis, he could even endure the hurt of his parents' rejection. This was a piece of cake. Or so he told in an attempt to forget the throbbing ache all over his body.
On Taehyung's birthday, Yoongi took all his remaining strength to at least write something on Twitter and send him a private message, but then his phone died. It was only a day before New Year's Eve, and Yoongi was lying in bed unable to even stand up. He couldn't remember the last time he took a bath, much less the last time he ate or drank water. Yoongi was in a pitiful state, and all around him was nothing but silence. Again, the silence was with him as well.
At 00:00 p.m. that silence was interrupted by the sound of fireworks in the sky outside, by the neighbours with their music turned up loud, and the clock on the wall chiming that it was already 2022.
It was a new year. Yoongi, for his part, closed his eyes, this time, to finally fall into a deep sleep.
…
He slowly opened his eyes, stretched his body, and looked around at his surroundings. His room was a mess. Yoongi felt good, in fact, he felt fantastic. He smiled to himself, he knew it would all pass over, it was just a matter of perseverance! He grabbed his phone, it had no power, and the first thing he did was not to wash his face, but to plug it in to charge it. The next thing was a well-deserved bath because those days lying down without being able to move had left unfortunate hygienic consequences.
It was cold in the bathroom, but as the hot water ran over his body letting his muscles relax, this rapper only sighed with pleasure. However, that pleasure did not last long. While he was bathing, Yoongi noticed something strange. Nearly finished bathing, now properly awake at last, he was scrubbing his body when he saw something he had never seen before. His thighs had something... something he had never seen on them before. Running his fingertips along these thighs, he noticed that there were like elongated hollows. They were scars, many scars. Yoongi didn't understand how he had cut scars on both of his thighs, he frowned and thought about this for a long time until he felt the coldness of the bathing room again. He hurried to change, had a light breakfast, trying not to think about what he had seen only a few minutes before.
Once he relaxed and finished eating, he grabbed his cell phone and turned it on. It had some messages, many of them from his personal manager, one from his older brother, and others from Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook.
Yoongi couldn't fathom what he was reading.
First, his manager had written him about five messages in a row almost imploring him to leave a New Year's message on social media for the fans, and warning him that if he found suspicious substances on him he would be in trouble. His brother sent him something typical that he would write on New Year's Eve, but there was no message from his parents. Taehyung wished him a Happy New Year at first and then he apologized for bothering him in the past, saying he will understand if he didn't want to talk to him. Jungkook sent him a simple message asking if he was alone and if he could come visit him, something he found odd since they all knew that the rapper was in quarantine. The most shocking thing was Jimin's message, he sent him a voicemail saying that, quote: "If you make Taehyung cry at the beginning of the year I won't hold back and you'll really get it on with me. Come on! It was just his birthday already... you're a-" Yoongi noticed his angry voice and it didn't seem to be a joke, but maybe he was drunk, right? I mean, it was New Year's!
That's right, it was New Year' s! It was already 2022, Yoongi did nothing but sleep in an agonizing state, and he didn't even have the strength to send a message other than a birthday note to Taehyung.
Everything was confusing, first the scars, and then these messages without any context.
Suddenly, he heard someone punching in the digits to enter the apartment, and in front of him was Jungkook.
"...wow, this place is a mess. Did you have fun without me? Come on hyung, that's not fair."
"Kook?"
What was Jungkook doing there? Yoongi was supposed to be in solitary confinement due to Covid, did Jungkook forget about it? Was he drunk or something?
"Okay, tell me. How much did you drink last night? You didn't answer my message, I felt the urge afterwards."
"What?"
"Hyung, are you still asleep or something?"
"Wait-wait, what the hell are you talking about? Jungkook, what are you doing here? I got Covid! Aren't you the one who's drunk?"
"Don't tell me you... Have you been smoking weed?"
Yoongi looked at Jungkook, and he looked like a different person. Yes, he had the same face, but the way he spoke lacked any tone of respect whatsoever, even sounding just sarcastic every time he opened his mouth; he wasn't like the maknae he had always known.
"Yoongi."
"Uh?"
Jungkook approached him, and almost trapping him between the wall and his body, he stared at him with an almost creepy smile, but this scene was interrupted by another person entering the compartment. It was his manager.
"Oh, Jungkook, you're here. Yoongi, you haven't returned my messages, Please tell me you haven't been on drugs or something."
"What?"
Okay, the drug joke wasn't funny anymore; it wasn't funny in the first place.
"You haven't been able to write a message to your fans, so what have you been doing instead? Getting wasted?"
Yeah, also the whole "little jokes" about getting intoxicated were already getting on his nerves.
"Taehyung offered to write something for you and even posted a never-before-published photo to make you look good. Really, that kid is the only one who likes you and I don't understand how, you're a mess."
Well, if this was a hidden camera scene, it was a tasteless one. First, even knowing that he's in a sick and contagious condition, they didn't care to enter his place in a reckless manner; second, Jungkook was acting weird; third, his manager was being a jerk and talking nonsense about him forgetting about Army. He would never, ever, forget about Army. But the way he was saying it was totally uncalled for, there was even a hint of annoyance in his voice.
Yoongi didn't know what was going on, he only knew that before New Year's he had a high fever and suddenly, everything went dark. Sure, maybe it was a dream. It must be that, or everyone went crazy. Maybe he himself went crazy.
"Go and change quickly, you're going to do a group Vlive and they're all waiting for you."
"But-"
"No. I'm not going to argue anymore. We've been over this before. God, they don't pay me enough to babysit unstable idols."
That last, of course, had been muttered by the manager. Jungkook at all times said nothing, almost as if his personality had changed from one that was saucy and sassy, to one that was innocent and timid.
"What did you say?"
His mananger gave him no answer. Yoongi was furious at this point but he decided to simply follow orders because it was actually all not just confusing, but also unexpected.
Was this a tasteless spy cam?
…
Arriving at the company, Yoongi met up with the rest of the group. Jimin and Taehyung were glued to each other, nothing out of place; Namjoon was talking to Hoseok, and Jin was simply using his phone while lying on the floor, probably playing an online game.
"It was already a damn hour, can't be that we always have to wait for you."
If Yoongi thought he saw it all, he thought wrong because he never believed he'd live to see a rude Namjoon. Yes, in the pre-debut they fought constantly but they never went to the extent of going over the limit of respect, they were just kids who didn't know how to restrain themselves with their hormones raging. But this Namjoon, with just one sentence, made it clear that he wasn't playing around.
"Namjoon, stop it-"
"No, Hobi! Who does he think he is? We've been waiting since early in the morning, we're already wearing our makeup and he sleeps late and comes whenever he wants to?"
"Joon, don't even bother, even if you say something to him he'll do it again, you know how he is."
"Jimin..."
"What? Are you going to tell me it's a lie, Tae? Don't try to defend him, not even when he wasn't able to greet you on your birthday! He doesn't think about anything but himself."
At this point, Yoongi was utterly confused. Jin and Jungkook did not breathe a word the whole time, either to defend him or insult him as the others were doing. Hoseok, though he seemed to want to restrain Namjoon, had a disinterested face and simply stopped insisting at the first opportunity; but even so, his Hobi, his hope, even he dared not defend him or try to stop the situation with honesty.
This was not bangtan, these were not his friends and colleagues of a decade. No, these were other people, typical idols who got along badly and simply force a friendship, a falsehood that made the rapper's stomach churn.
You see, Yoongi at first glance gives the impression of being a very lovable person but also because he is not very expressive, this can be misinterpreted as him being somewhat uninterested, intimidating even. Yoongi was always emotional, always having a hard time putting his feelings into words - unless those words were expressed in song, then he didn't have that much of a struggle - so for a long time, he felt frustrated that Army saw him as someone who was hard to reach. Yoongi was more sensitive than he appeared at first glance.
Still, he tried not to snap out of it; he swallowed hard, feeling a lump in his throat, clenched his fists, and feigned indifference. Like the old days when he was a teenager when he had to pretend everything was fine with his parents, or when he wanted to fit in with the peer group at school by pretending to be what he wasn't and never would be.
His thoughts - and that horrible situation - were interrupted thanks to Sejin who had arrived in one of Hype's large rooms.
"Enough talk and more action. Namjoon, we said no fighting in the presence of the staff, remember you're no longer in that little band that no one knows about and every imperfection in your relationship is fresh meat for the predators out there."
"Yes... I'm sorry hyung."
"Right. Let's get to work, there's a vlive to start."
But Namjoon kept glaring hatefully at him.
The cameras were on, everyone was in position and as if it was a movie, everyone started their act; There was nothing out of place during the vlive, each member seemed to behave as Yoongi always knew them, even the leader, the one who looked at him with disgust before starting the vlive, was surprisingly active to integrate him into the talk, he was smiling and letting his dimples show but it was all a lie, Yoongi knew it was all an act so that no one would suspect that he did not tolerate his presence at all. During the Vlive, Yoongi couldn't concentrate, keeping his mind spinning round and round whether this was a dream - or a nightmare - because since he woke up, nothing made any sense; not everyone ignoring that he had Covid, not the marks on his thighs, not everyone's uncharacteristic attitude towards him, whether it was Jungkook being friendly and engaging in private but changing his attitude completely when people were present, Taehyung who seemed to be constantly afraid of him, Jin and Hobi ignoring him completely, and not to mention Jimin and Namjoon who clearly made it clear that they didn't want him there.
"Army, have a happy start of the year! Here's to 2022 where we are all happy."
And so, the live show ended.
Once the cameras were off, the torturous reality (was it really reality? Wasn't it a bad dream in his head?) all of them took off their masks, and he saw the big change in a person. No one spoke to him, no one approached him but the staff, not even his managers seemed to be fazed by his person.
Yoongi, besides being confused, felt lonely.
"Jin-hyung."
"Uh?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah."
Jin didn't look at him at all, he was still on his phone. Yoongi felt ignored - because he was being ignored in a way - but since his hyung seemed to be the only one who didn't absolutely dislike him, he proceeded to talk to him anyway.
"What's going on with everyone today?"
"Yoongi, be more specific, I don't know what you mean."
"Yesterday was New Year's, wasn't it?"
"Yes?"
"And I was having covid, wasn't I?"
"No?"
"Is that a question or a statement?"
"Look, I don't know why you're asking these questions. Yesterday you didn't want to come and party with us, which is typical of you so I wasn't surprised. You went to your flat, probably got high and drunk again. Nothing new."
Nothing new?
"But- but I-"
"Look, I don't have wild emotions here. I know you never wanted to be an idol and be in this band but Yoongi, there's no turning back now. It's been years already, you had your chance to quit it all."
Jin walked out, leaving him without even waiting for any words from Yoongi. The rapper didn't know what was true and what wasn't, he couldn't process what he was going through. Imagine waking up after a bad fever, and on New Year's Eve, to find that everyone hates you and that you've behaved like a misfit junkie in the group.
…
Even though it was the first day of the year, BTS didn't get a break. They had a busy schedule that day, and that meant one thing: they would all be together at all times. This wouldn't worry him if it weren't for the fact that now his situation with them had changed dramatically.
If Namjoon was very vocal with his lack of tolerance for his person, Jimin was even worse. He kept complaining about Yoongi's mere existence, the rapper didn't play along so as not to make it worse, but Jimin kept insulting him whenever he had the chance to do so. Yoongi was tired of the attitude, a little angry at the poor treatment and disrespect towards him but he was weak in front of the members, he would never be rude to them because of the appreciation he had for them, but it was also common for him to avoid confrontation.
At one point, when they were all on set filming for a new project - still a secret one - to be released in just three months, this rapper suddenly realized that there were some unchanged features that he remembered had been in existence beforehand. For example, post-vlive photo shoots were something he knew were scheduled to happen, but not on January 1, but on the 14th; back on set they were filming their parts for the official 7FATES story trailer, something that should have been released a couple of weeks ago by now. His head was in chaos, he didn't know what was true and what wasn't anymore, he just knew that he wanted to go back to the way it was before, where a bangtan was genuine and everyone liked each other and had a relationship not only as colleagues but as friends in a very healthy way.
But this wasn't bangtan right now. Namjoon telling him "I don't understand why you're still here" with a fierce look on his face, Jimin pushing him every time he passed by while whispering "you're a nuisance," Hoseok looking at him with displeasure when he thought Yoongi wasn't looking at him, Jin not looking at him at all and ignoring the whole verbal and physical harassment situation, Jungkook playing the role of a timid boy in his face, or Taehyung secretive and on guard every time Yoongi approached his side; none of that was bangtan at all.
Late at night, after a long and tedious day of work but also of constant accusations from his so-called friends, Yoongi was able to feel like he was breathing again. Throughout the day he felt like anxiousness was consuming him, and several times he felt an anxiety attack in himself that he tried to hold back in some way or another. His chest hurt a lot, his breathing was somewhat agitated, he was hungry but could not digest any food. Honestly, Yoongi felt that if he put anything in his mouth he would throw up at once, his stomach was twisting, begging him for food, but his mind was playing a sick game by not letting him swallow anything. The pain in his chest kept getting worse and worse.
There was no one left in Hybe, Yoongi didn't want to go back to his house yet. He couldn't either, he felt the anxiety attack preventing him from even leaving the place and all he could do was lock himself in the bathroom for almost an hour. "Just like old times" thought the rapper, and they were not pleasant memories.
When he regained the strength to go to his flat, Yoongi was surprised to find a person already inside. It was Jungkook.
"Hyung, where were you? I sent you a message. You haven't been answering my messages lately, that's pissing me off."
Again, this Jungkook was different from the one he knew; he acted shy and ignored him when there were people around, but when it was just the two of them he didn't hesitate to change his persona to one more outgoing and approachable to him.
"... I was busy. What are you doing here? How did you get in?"
"So you are having a memory loss that is already alarming. Hyung, you gave me a backup!"
"I did?"
But this rapper didn't remember giving him the password of his place, especially since they all moved into the new HYBE building and he was able to buy his new property; Yoongi was always one who valued all his privacy highly, therefore it's not something he would do anyway unless it included music and work in between. Even his personal manager didn't have his household password let alone anyone else. Only his older brother had access to it.
"Well, how do you think we can fuck often if every time I want to come in here and you're either asleep or wasted as well?"
What? Was he... Was Yoongi really listening to those words? His precious maknae, the one he'd watched grow up since he was a wimpy little boy was now standing in front of him, shirtless and showing off his shapely body, saying that the two of them... fucked? No, this was the limit and way out of boundaries.
"No - that's a lie! We don't sleep together! We're mates, what are you talking about? You can't-- no--"
"Okay, you're really freaking me out. Come on, why are you shocked? It's not like we're a couple, it's just quick and easy fuck."
"We're fuckbuddies!?!?"
"If this is your way of flirting before we screw each other, then that's very peculiar of you, but I won't argue against it."
Yoongi was speechless. Jungkook, the one who was always a boy in his eyes, the one he himself saw growing up was now in front of him flirting with him, and as if that wasn't enough, this alternate reality - or whatever it was, Yoongi was still confused as to what to believe yet - Jungkook was nothing more or less than his damn fuck buddy. Now this, it was a sad thought for the rapper because he always had an absolute appreciation for strong relationships with his fellow bangtan members, and he would never be able to disrespect any of them with some relationship based purely on sexual satisfaction and pleasure. Sex without feelings included was a definite no-no for this man.
The confusion was such that Yoongi felt like fainting. He almost lost his balance and held on to the wall, and that's when Jungkook changed his whole attitude from one of naughtiness to one of concern.
"Hyung? Aren't you feeling well?"
"I- Jungkook- you- do we really have this kind of relationship? When did we cross the line?"
"Oh, shit. You really don't remember? This is serious, it's not like we just started yesterday-"
"When."
"Um?"
"When we started this madness!"
"... "
"Tell me!"
"Since... since 2015. Do you really don't remember?"
If Yoongi felt faint at first, this time he felt a shiver run through his body. He even felt the urge to vomit, because what he was hearing was unforgivable. All his values for everything he believed in life were shattered because if there was one thing Yoongi would never forgive himself for, it was corrupting others, especially when they were minors. Jungkook was still a minor in 2015, even though in Korean age he was considered of legal age, it didn't assuage the torture of knowing that he touched the maknae when he still had his baby face and was still maturing all over.
Feeling disgusted and full of self-hatred, he sat on the floor clutching his hair. He ignored the other's voice shouting "Hyung!" at every second, and just closed his eyes.
Then, there was only darkness.
…
Yoongi slowly opened his eyes, and if it was pitch black before, now he saw everything shining way too much for his liking. The white walls, the white bed, even his clothes were white as well. His head started to throb but it wasn't quite a migraine by any means, his body felt very heavy and his throat hurt like hell. As he focused his eyes he noticed where he was: Yoongi was in the hospital. He had tubes attached and he was on a portable mouth respirator. He started to panic, everything was confusing and he didn't know how he had got there, so the nurses didn't hesitate to assist him.
It didn't take long for him, once settled, to demand answers.
Yoongi got covid, that was something everyone already knew, but he had kept a secret that could have cost him his life: he did suffer badly from the symptoms. Searching through his memory, he recalled that it was already New Year, and his symptoms had worsened. He hadn't made a big deal out of it because he simply thought he would get better, and worrying his loved ones, fans and company was something he wanted to avoid at all costs. Yoongi didn't count on the possibility that instead of getting better, it would get worse. It was no longer January 1st, it had been two weeks since he had been in intensive care to finally come out of that critical condition. Now it was just another long road to physical and mental recovery.
At first, no one visited him, not because they didn't want to, but for obvious sanitary measures in order to prevent further transmission and so that his health - with an already weakened immune system - would not deteriorate in the face of other viruses or bacteria; once he was better and Covid-free, Yoongi was finally able to see the faces of those he missed the most.
He was still afraid. There was something in him that said that everything he had experienced had been a sick dream, but on the other hand, he was afraid that he was still stuck in that world where everyone hated him, where there was nothing but fakeness and self-destruction, a world so grey that even the most deplorable acts had been committed because of his lack of ethics and morals.
When they visited him, one by one, Yoongi was extremely scolded by the members, but their concern was clear, Jimin even made him swear an oath to Army that he would never do anything like that again, that he would never hide his health condition no matter how simple it might seem to be.
When Jungkook walked in, Yoongi tried not to look at him. He wanted to ask him, but at the same time, he knew he wasn't in that nightmare anymore, he knew nothing of it was even real, but that didn't stop him from thinking of the slightest possibilities. He felt chills again.
It was January 20, 2022, and the first move Yoongi made when he got to his home was to grab his notebook in which he always writes songs or anything else that makes him ponder. He wanted to write his thoughts, but nothing came out of it.
He put down his journal, and staring at the ceiling, he eventually fell asleep.
