Chapter Text
In his 23 years of life, Toshiki Kai thought that the worst moment of his life had to be on the rooftop, face-to-face with Aichi, trying to end his life and the rest of the world with it. He was exhausted, he was in physical and mental anguish, tormented with guilt for all of the things he had done as a human being. He was either never enough or way too much. He was tired of trying to meet the expectations of people who would never accept him. But facing Aichi head on, he realized that wasn’t the case with everyone. He had a great amount of people who cared for him, no matter what hideous sides of himself he showed. Even when he stabbed himself in the back and set out to destroy everything, they extended their hands to save him. Aichi extended his hand and asked him what Kai had asked him so many years ago – Picture it. I’m with you.
Now it’s one of his most treasured memories. Not due to his own actions, but Aichi’s. Aichi had saved his life then. The days after it were some of the worst of his life, but that moment where Aichi saw all of Kai’s ugly insides and said “I’m with you,” the trajectory of Kai’s life completely changed. That, and when Kai held Aichi in his arms and told him that the nightmare was over. That Aichi did not have to shoulder Kai’s sins. That they could rely on each other. That Kai was willing to do just as much for Aichi as Aichi had done for him. To Kai, the wedding was just a formality. He had already decided it would be the best Vanguard wedding the world had ever seen, but in Kai’s eyes, they were already partners for life. This next step was declaring it to the world. In order for that to happen, Kai had to surpass one of the obstacles he’d been pushing to the back of his mind since he and Aichi had even started discussing the idea of marriage. Now he was staring it – him – in the face, without Aichi (breaking yet another promise). But for Aichi’s sake, for his own sake, for the sake of this wedding – he needed to do this.
“What are you doing here?” Those eyes were as harsh on him as he remembered. He wanted to wilt under that gaze. But he wasn’t a child anymore. And he wasn’t doing this just for himself. This is for Aichi. This is for our wedding. This is for…
“I’m not here for you.” Kai kept his voice as stoic as possible. To become angry would get him kicked out right away, if he was even going to be allowed in. To seem cheerful would be fake. Indifference was his best shot at entering his childhood home. “I’m here for my parents.”
“How much more can you take from them? You’ve already taken everything.” Kai didn’t get a single item from them after they passed away, so Kai knew exactly what he meant. His eyebrows narrowed, his jaw was clenched, he felt the fire coursing through his veins and the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. It hadn’t even been five minutes and he was already losing this battle.
“I was a child.” Kai forced out, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I wasn’t even there. Don’t use your resentment of responsibility to blame me for the death of your brother.”
“That mouth is what got you kicked out.” His uncle spat, closing the door. Kai grabbed it before it shut. “If you don’t get out of here, I’m calling the police, you insistent brat.”
“I have more of a right to what they left behind – to them – than you do.” Kai’s voice cracked. “I’m their son.”
“You were their burden. Their regret.” His uncle looked down upon him like an ant desperately running from the sole of a shoe. He caught his uncle’s glance at his left hand, and the scoff that followed. “I hope whoever’s tied to you will figure that out before it’s too late.”
Kai just barely missed his fingers being trapped in the door.
Kai stood at the door for what could have been seconds, or hours. He couldn’t tell. He couldn’t feel his body. He felt like he was staring at himself, he wasn’t really there, he wasn’t Toshiki Kai. His body was there, staring at a closed door. He had to leave before his uncle really did call the police. The last thing he needed as a former terrorist (not that that was a common fact) was the police coming after him. He wanted to get married, not arrested.
Married. He was getting married. Wasn’t he?
He proposed to Aichi and Aichi said yes and they were getting married and they were happy. Aichi wasn’t tied to him. They were partners out of their own free will. Aichi knew everything about him, his ugliest parts, and said yes. There was nothing left to figure out. Aichi loved him for who he was.
Why would he do that?
Kai backed away from his childhood home and ran until he couldn’t breathe.
His breaths came so heavily he thought they might tear his chest apart. His heart might tear from his rib cage and fall onto the ground in front of him. His legs might collapse under him, leaving him to melt into the ground.
Instead of letting that happen, he sat on the park bench and forced himself to take even breaths. Tears were streaming down his face. How ironic that he would end up back here. The park where he would play with Miwa and Ibuki, where they would go when life became too hard for three children. The park they eventually stopped coming to, because Ibuki left and it wasn’t the same anymore. People were meant to part and everything was meant to end. Eventually Aichi would realize Kai wasn’t enough – or Kai was too much – and he would leave him behind. It was easy to make a promise, it was easy to fall in love – it was another thing to keep a promise, to stay in love.
Aichi could do that. Aichi would do that, because he was kind and the only time he had broken a promise to Kai was to protect the universe. Kai couldn’t let Aichi ruin his life, even if it was Aichi’s decision to make. He wanted to be with Aichi forever, he wanted to love all of Aichi, but he had forgotten just who Toshiki Kai was. The bitter, angry, lost, despairing, pathetic, longing to be the Goliath but couldn’t even become David – how could Aichi, the image of a loving martyr, lock himself to that? (The lock was a noose around his neck and he used it to hang Aichi alongside him.)
“Kai?” He heard his name from far away. He couldn’t place the voice. He couldn’t focus on what was ahead of him. He was pretty sure his eyes were closed. “Kai, what happened?” He couldn’t respond, couldn’t even think of what to say to the voice that existed somewhere outside of his mind.
Sharp, stinging, burning on his forearm brought him back to his senses. “What the h– Ibuki!” Kai grabbed his arm and held it to his chest. “Are you trying to burn me?!”
“You were unresponsive.” Ibuki said flatly, but his face was contorted with worry. It was unusual for Ibuki, who, as an adult, hid his emotions behind a stone face (unless you knew what to look for, like Kai and Miwa did). “I didn’t know what else to do.”
It was still way too far. It wasn’t the time to complain about his physical pain, though. Ibuki was obviously concerned about his mental state. He put his arm down. “Sorry. Rough day.”
Ibuki moved from kneeling in front of Kai to sitting next to him on the park bench. “Me, too. I’m sure it’s nothing compared to yours, though.”
“And we both ended up here.”
“All we’re missing is Miwa.” Ibuki attempted a smile. Kai could tell he was trying hard for his sake. It made the pit in his stomach larger. “What happened?”
Kai turned away. “I don’t know.” He lied. “Maybe I’m getting cold feet.”
“Don’t lie to me.” Ibuki didn’t sound angry. He sounded hurt. Why would Ibuki let someone like Kai hurt him? “I’ve never seen someone love anyone the way you love Sendou.”
“It doesn’t matter that I love him. Love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage.”
Ibuki was silent for a few moments. Kai refused to look at him.
Ibuki finally said simply: “I don’t understand what you mean.”
“I love Aichi. Aichi loves me. He shouldn’t, but he does.” Kai swallowed the lump in his throat that was emerging yet again. “But will it be enough when Aichi has to go back to university? Will it be enough when I have to leave for another Vanguard tournament in Europe? What if something happens to Aichi and he’s all the way in America? What if there’s another threat? What if I…”
“...Kai.” Ibuki put a hand over Kai’s. “What really happened today?”
Kai hissed out a breath. “I wanted to alter my parents’ wedding attire. So I could have a piece of them with me during the wedding. All of my parents’ belongings are with my uncle.”
Kai felt Ibuki’s hand flinch. “Kai.” Ibuki said carefully. Kai wanted to laugh at the disbelief in Ibuki’s voice. Of all the things Ibuki had experienced in his life, this was what finally took him by surprise? “I know I wasn’t there back then, but even I know your uncle…he’s…”
“I have nothing from my parents. My uncles and aunts kept everything from me.” He didn’t think he needed anything from them. Material possessions didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, he thought, but then he became close to Aichi’s family. He saw their home. He saw the memories they created in pictures, in crafts, in a height chart on the living room wall, in the old baby clothes Aichi’s mother kept because she thought the memories were too precious to give away. “I don’t deserve much in this life, but I was just a child back then. I had nothing to do with their deaths. I thought I could reason with him. I’ve become sick with hubris.”
“You do deserve it.” Ibuki replied. “What did he tell you?”
Sometimes, Kai hated how similar he and Ibuki were. It made it easy to understand Ibuki, but at the same time, Ibuki understood Kai. It was impossible to hide anything from Ibuki. He hit the root of Kai’s problems immediately. He supposed he did the same to Ibuki, so now it was his turn.
“I was a burden to my parents. They regretted having me.” Kai’s voice grew soft. He wiped the stray tears from his face. “And that Aichi would feel the same way about me.”
Ibuki gripped Kai’s hand so hard it hurt. “He’s just trying to hurt you. Your parents loved you. I don’t remember much from our childhood, but I remember that much.”
Kai was silent.
“Kai. You know Sendou loves you. Nothing could ever change that. He accepted me after I tried to destroy the world. There’s nothing you could do that would make him hate you.”
“That’s what scares me.” Kai whispered.
“You would never hurt him, not on purpose.” Ibuki replied immediately. Kai didn’t think Ibuki had ever talked this much at one time. “You’re not the same person you were as a teenager.”
Kai gritted his teeth. He knew he would regret this before the words even left his lips, “Do you think the same about yourself?”
Ibuki let go of Kai’s hand to punch him in the arm lightly. “I should break your arm for that.” He said, but it had no bite. “...Sometimes I do. It depends on how I slept the night before.”
They both laughed a bit, but they knew it wasn’t really a joke.
“You should tell Sendou about this.” Ibuki pressed.
“I should.”
“Kai.”
“He won’t forgive me.” Kai knew it wasn’t true, but he was scared. “I told him I wouldn’t take on my burdens alone.”
“You’re not perfect.” Ibuki replied. “Neither am I. Neither is Sendou.”
“Sometimes it feels like he is.”
“But he’s not.” Ibuki insisted. “And I know you don’t mean it, but that pedestal you put him on when you’re upset could actually hurt him.”
He knew that. He hadn’t fallen into these dark habits in so long. All it took was one terrible day to break him. He felt so weak. How could he return to Aichi after this? “When did you become so mature?” Kai tried to joke, but his voice cracked.
“I’m not.” Ibuki answered honestly. “I’ve just been saying things…I wanted someone to say to me.”
Kai finally faced Ibuki. Ibuki had been tearing up, too. “Are we seriously the same person?”
“I don’t want to be like you in this.”
“Me neither.” They both laughed softly and sat in comfortable silence for a few moments. “...Is that why you won’t ask Anjou out?”
“What?” Ibuki jumped back. “I’m not – we’re not – that’s not important!”
“Wouldn’t you rather be Anjou’s date at our wedding instead of his business associate?” Kai sighed. “Carpooling. I still can’t believe it…”
“Don’t act like you wouldn’t do something like that…” Ibuki blushed. “...so you don’t have cold feet, then?”
Kai shook his head. “I don’t think I ever did.” It was the first major panic attack he’d had in a long time, though. “I…still need to talk to Aichi about this.”
Ibuki nodded.
“I should get this over with.” Kai stood, brushing himself off. “Thanks for talking me off the ledge.”
“No need to thank me. We’re friends.”
Kai smiled. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?”
Ibuki smiled back, standing and putting a hand on Kai’s shoulder. “Seems so.”