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“Dress us, Chengfeng.”
It’s not like he’s never seen his Liege’s body before. A chest bound in bandages, and a waist and back that was corded with muscle that slipped and disappeared as he draped the King’s cloak over her shoulders.
But still, when his liege moves her hands to undo a few buttons at her neck, his eyes fall to the wooden planks of the floor.
Outside, summer has started to creep into the air- sweet heady nectar, overripe peach- washing over the palace in its tantalising warmth. Inside, Chenfeng crosses his arms over his plated chest and stares at the emblem of Ng emblazoned in gold silk on his Liege’s back.
It is as it should be.
Sometimes, Chenfeng helps AhYu bathe.
It’s in the liminal spaces, somewhere between sending out envoys and getting chewed out by the Prime Minister, there are times when FuChai falls from his Liege’s face, and AhYu replaces her instead. AhYu, who forgets at times whether she is a man or a woman, who feels at times closer to a puppet vessel of Ng’s whims rather than a person at all.
In his darker moments, Chenfeng wonders if watching him restrain himself every time serves as a reminder that she is a woman, too.
“If you rub any harder, you’re going to make me sorer then I was before,” she yawns. He lowers his eyes demurely, lowering the washcloth. Steam rises off the basin to curl around her neck, her fingers, her hair.
“It would never be my intention-” she laughs and places a long, delicate finger under his chin, tilting him up to face her. There isn’t a trace of FuChai to be seen. She is AhYu right now, lax and playful.
“My Chenfeng, where did your sense of humour go?”
“A sense of humour isn’t necessary for my duty as your guard.”
He busied himself with rubbing- slightly gentler- her back and shoulders. Soon he would stop and avert his eyes as she took care of the rest. But not yet.
“But it would pass the time more easily if you could laugh, don’t you think?”
“If that is what my liege wishes, then I will do my best to cultivate one.” Chenfeng smiles faintly back. “After all, whatever jokes my liege tells me must be the height of comedy.”
“Forget it, you seem to tease me fine enough.” AhYu pouts and the expression is so rare that it almost wrings out a laugh from him. “Where did the shy, adorable servant I was given years ago go?”
If he were a braver man, Chenfeng would have said that he died the moment you touched him on that summer day all those years ago and he knew that he could never, ever have what he wanted the most in the world.
But because he is a coward, Chenfeng merely smiles and says,
“I don’t know.”
One thing Chenfeng has always been good at is fishing.
Somewhere in the west, they say that the best fishermen had the clearest minds. Personally, he always thought it had something more to do with restraint. And restraint has always been something he excelled at.
There was another marriage proposal that arrived this morning. Some princess from Gu. His Liege had merely smiled politely and asked to bring her in. To test our compatibility.
Compatibility. The only compatibility for FuChai, the King of Ng, would be the location of her country, or the quality of their aqueduct systems. Compatibility for AhYu however…
The image of silvery green fish flashes through his mind, and he instinctively stabs his spear into the water.
Chenfeng can read the signs. The way his Liege gropes for the jade amulet every night. How she talks about him even now, reminiscing childhood memories that were only ever fond for her. YiGuang, the genius that could spin any sulky mood AhYu had into laughter, could chase away every pain that ever befell her with a flick of his hand. YiGuang who abandoned her for the last five years while Chenfeng could only watch.
On the banks of the river, piles of fish lay dead. He’s especially vicious to the green ones.
By the time he was finished, he’d killed more fish than he could eat, and was panting hard. Dripping in moonlight, the roiling currents of the lake lap at his thighs. After a long moment, Chenfeng trudges back to the shore.
If YiGuang was water, then Chenfeng would be stone. Still. Crude. Stubborn.
When Chengfeng returns to the palace, it’s two strikes after midnight. But AhYu, diligent as ever, is still waiting for him at her study though her eyes drooping.
“Where on earth did you go?” She mumbles into his neck when he lifts her up into a bridal carry.
Chenfeng smiles a little, “It’s nothing to worry yourself over, my Liege.”
She studies him, eyes bright. He has the raw feeling of being peeled back under her gaze, like she knows exactly what thoughts were racing through his mind a mere half hour ago. He probably still reeked of river brine. It wasn’t a stretch to guess what he had been doing.
“You know,” she says neutrally as he places her on the bed, “I never did care for the taste of fish.”
Chenfeng replies, just as even.
“That is just as well.”
Chenfeng has eyes and ears, he knows what people say about them in the palace.
The Dog of Ng.
It was no surprise. He always moved to do his duty without punishment or incentive. Never shirking. Punishing those he saw fit. It was only a matter of time before the aggravated palace staff came up with a nickname to call him behind his back.
When he steps through the door, the plums he serves his Liege are at the height of ripeness, skin taut enough to glisten under the sunlight.
“These are delicious, Chenfeng.” His Liege’s contented face looks up at him after she bites into one; a stark contrast to her bedraggled expression earlier. He guesses the kingdoms of the north have been giving her trouble again. “Where did we get these plums from again? We should reward our kitchen hands.”
Chenfeng nods, the picture of acquiescence.
Thirty minutes prior, Chenfeng had thrown three servants into the cells when he caught them preparing the King’s meal with last week’s food stock.
One of the boys had tried leap at him but cowered as soon as he touched the hilt of his sword.
“Dog,” the ruffian spat as he was dragged away. “You should know your place before you’re thrown away like trash! You’re nothing without your precious Liege, street rat!”
Chenfeng had raised a hand up to stop the guards before grabbed a fistful of the cowed youth’s bloodied hair and yanked it upwards to meet his eyes. Satisfied with the fear he saw in them, he murmured:
“So what if I am?”
Now however, he bows at the foot of FuChai’s study, deep enough to avoid her eyes. There were sides to Chenfeng that his Liege was better off not knowing.
Only once in their life, back when things were simpler and when My Liege was simply AhYu, Chengfeng defeated her in hand-to-hand combat.
It happened in a blur, AhYu liked to fight dirty, but Chenfeng had a better grasp of the basics. With a swooping leg, he had knocked her off her feet and before she could make a move to get up, he pinned her wrists and bore down on her.
“Chenfeng,” she laughed then, “Get off me, you jerk.”
The summer air was sweet and warm. She smelled like wild grass, and somehow, he could not get enough of it. Chenfeng tested his weight experimentally as he dropped lower against her body. Every sinful curve, the fine bones of her hips, all pressed against him and he almost gasped. And suddenly he wanted to do more, wanted to reach under her clothes and leave her panting- a clawing, slavering beast behind his ribs. Had YiGuang ever felt this way? AhYu’s open blue eyes. AhYu breathless and a little wild. He felt her struggle against him, and a thrill ran down his spine when he realised that she could not move.
It filled him with a twisted satisfaction, knowing that although one day she would have the kingdom of Ng at her feet, he would still be able to pin her under him like this.
“-Chenfeng?” AhYu touched him then with concern etched into her face and suddenly the realisation crashed into him. Sharp and sudden, like falling off a cliff. And he knew, he knew.
Chenfeng never practiced hand to hand combat with her again.
His Liege is livid when she enters her chambers, slamming the wooden door open and whisking into the room with a flurry of her robes. Chenfeng is now familiar enough with her ire to know that it is not directed at him when she slumps into the dressing chair.
“Wu Zixu, that bastard, has brought our attention to the need for an heir.” She spat. “Told us to find anyone that catches our fancy and be done with it. Before the princesses lined up to marry you find out, he said. The utter, utter prick, as if-” she cuts herself off.
Chenfeng touches her shoulder and the tension there relaxes, if only slightly. “My Liege, you are too wound up. Though you have your differences with Chancellor Wu, you know he means well.”
She laughs, bitter and ugly. It’s a sound Chenfeng would not care to hear again.
“You are kind Chenfeng, despite your best efforts to appear otherwise. But I am not the same foolish girl three years ago.” His Liege spat. “Not after what I did to you, I can’t-” She cuts herself off again. It seems to be a trend for tonight.
“You did nothing to me.” He says firmly.
Chenfeng glimpses her eyes this time in the mirror- they aren’t wet, she’s too proud for that, his willful, lovely AhYu- instead her eyes darken, and she clenches her jaw.
“But I almost did.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Her eyes flashed.
“It does.”
Perhaps if he had been older, or less selfish, that night could have gone differently. Instead of saying this, he sighs and changes the topic.
“My Liege, you have no obligation to continue living this life.” He says quietly, slowly he begins working his palms into her back, loosening any knots he finds. His liege tilts her head back, her eyes fallen half-lidded in pleasure. “We have already destroyed the sacred seal; you are free to abdicate the throne like you have always wished.”
“There is no one for me outside of this life.” She said quietly, finally, “I had hoped, that after all this was over, well…I had hoped. But there was nothing. What else is there to do but continue doing what we have always done?”
Chenfeng’s fingers stilled.
“YiGuang may have preferred life in ZhuLuo village, but you have always been tenacious enough to build a life of your ow-”
Her eyes flashed open as soon as the words left his mouth.
“It’s not about YiGuang,” she said sharply. Then, softer. “Why would it be? Before last month, I hadn’t seen him in five years. But all that doesn’t matter. YiGuang chose that life over me, and he is better off that way.”
“You are King, and one of the few that is worthy of the title.” Chenfeng swallowed. “There are likely hundreds of men that would keep your secret to their grave for the pleasure of your company.”
“Hundreds of men? Chenfeng, what do you think of me?” He saw AhYu crack a smile in the reflection of the dresser.
“My Liege’s wit and beauty are second to none. Any man would be a fool not to have you.” He replied truthfully, and she burst out laughing, a sharp, lovely sound.
“Loyal men I have in spadefuls, however,” There was that bitter smile again. “People love their kingdom, but they do not love their king. They will leave me if I have nothing left to offer.”
It’s silent, and for some reason, Chenfeng can’t seem to breathe.
“I-” I would never do that to you, he almost says.
She looks back at him, and although she is smiling her eyes are indescribably sad. Like she knows exactly what he was about to say. Dog of Ng, someone whispers in his head.
“I know.” She says, impossibly gentle. “I know.”
A month after that horrific incident three years ago, Ah Yu tried to bed him.
It was strange when she asked him to personally fetch a glass of water to her room, but he had complied regardless, still just a newly appointed guard at the time. He hadn’t so much as knocked on her door before AhYu burst through, grabbed his hand and sent him tumbling into the royal bed with her, knocking the saucer he had been holding to the floor.
“What are you doing?” He had panicked as he tried to push her off, but she had a firm grip on his collar, “Ah-My Liege, you can’t-”
“Can’t what, Chenfeng?” Her voice lilted dangerously. “We are the King of Ng, what can’t we do?”
“My Liege, you-” his head was swimming as she took the opportunity to mouth hot little kisses up his jaw and down his Adam’s apple. His tongue felt like lead in his mouth. “You’re not in your right state of mind, you have to wed someone with at least noble status, people will talk-”
His voice strangled when she pushed up against his chest and Chenfeng became aware that she was wearing only a thin linen nightgown. AhYu’s eyes darkened, and she wrapped her thighs around his hips. A groan was ripped out of his throat- guttural as a wounded animal- and before he knew he was pushing back.
Somewhere, somehow, she crushed her lips against his and suddenly it didn’t matter. Every coherent thought he ever had when flying out the window. Chenfeng closed his eyes- damn restraint, damn the country- and kissed back.
“Touch me.” Her voice- it was wanton and needy and Chenfeng almost came undone. “Chenfeng, I want-”
Frustrated by her inability to articulate herself, she grabbed his hand and dragged it down between her legs.
Chenfeng choked.
His childhood friend; his rational Liege, was soaking wet.
“No one has ever touched me before, not like this. Do you understand? Not FuGai, Not Anyone,” She babbled, her eyes were desperate, hand pressing his against her heat. Chenfeng didn’t dare move a finger. “You’re- you’re the only one that counts.”
Chen Feng looked at her in the dim moonlight. Really looked at her.
“Of course,” he said finally. “You are untouched in every way that matters. What FuGai did meant nothing but my own failure, and I will spend the rest of my life atoning for it.” He looked away. His stunted, honest words bloomed in the air between them “You are not tainted, AhYu.”
AhYu swallowed. Twistedly, he realised she had somehow got even wetter between his fingers.
“Then why else do you push me away? Do you not-”
“No.” A noise ripped out of his throat- a growl so low and feral he could scarcely recognise his own voice. “It’s because you don’t want this, you are not in your right state of mind, and you are the King of Ng.”
Ahyu just tipped her head back and laughed.
“But Chenfeng, your hand is soaked with evidence that I do.” She closed her thighs around his hand, and it took everything in him not to groan. “I can assure you that I am sober, in body and mind at what I want to do, and-” she finally touched his face and smiled at him triumphantly, like a spoilt brat that had gotten what they wanted, “-it is precisely because I am the King of Ng, a King desperately in need of an heir, that I have approached you tonight. Now, if you have no further complaints-”
She hooked a leg around him, grinding sinfully against the tent in his pants. Chenfeng would have embarrassed himself right then and there if he didn’t flip them again and push her away.
“We cannot do this.”
Chenfeng gritted out as he grabbed both of her arms and pinned her against the mattress. Instead of struggling like he had thought she would- AhYu looked up, and all the air went out of his lungs. Suddenly he was fourteen again and had everything he ever wanted underneath him. Young and wild and terrified of the beast that was chained up behind his ribs.
AhYu’s words were imperious, but her eyes were pleading.
“I order you to lay with me.”
-And the moment was shattered.
The full weight of her words hit him, and it formed a knot in his chest. He recognised it as anger.
“How can you think what you are doing right now is any different from what FuGai did to you?”
“It is for Ng-” she tried and Chengfeng snarled, because of course it was.
“Think about what you just said again.” He barely recognised his own voice. “Chengfeng the soldier will do as his liege commands. But AhYu will have to bear the consequences. You would lay with a man you don’t love for your country?”
If his Liege were any other King his head would be rolling across the floor by now.
“I-”
“There is only one way to get what you want tonight.” Even as he was said the words, he knew he would regret them. “Do you love me, AhYu?”
She swallows. For a long moment, there was silence.
And then when the silence dragged on, he became aware of the slow, desperate hook in his chest, of wanting her to protest, to say that she would tell him to take her now and run away from everything. Realised the frightening ferocity with which he longed to hear it.
She opens her mouth.
“I’m sorry.” AhYu sounds younger that he’s ever known. And then softer, as if she hoped he wouldn’t hear. “Please don’t leave.”
All the anger dissipates like smoke and instead he crushes her against him. He hears her cry rather than sees it, and he knows she prefers it that way, so he doesn’t pull away. The scent of wild grass fills his senses as he holds her through each dry, wracking sob. AhYu clings to him like a wild animal, like she was trying to melt him with her own body.
“Alright,” he murmurs into the shell of her ear. “If it’s what you want.”
It was never a question what she would have chosen. But maybe, some part of him would have just liked her to lie, is all.
Chenfeng almost kills the marriage prospect from Gu in the middle of court.
A remark from their minister- a grinning, greasy man that whispering the kind of in-court gossip that was made to be overheard. Chenfeng was standing in the third pew behind him.
“The King of Ng shares a strong resemblance to that dead sister of his, doesn’t he?” He caught Chenfeng’s eye across the pew, and his grin widened. “The dirty bitch that was raped on her wedding bed.”
The next thing that he was aware of was the minister gagging beneath his foot, twisting his arm up against his back with one hand and levelling the edge of his blade against his throat with the other. Fat oozed between his fingers. He would finish him easily and make him bleed-
“Chenfeng!” His Liege roared. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Vertigo. The sensation of swerving back to reality. The minister was a blubbering mess at his feet. Heavy clangs echoed around him as fifty Gu soldiers unsheathed their sword. The air was thick with animosity. Distantly, he knew he had made his Liege look awful again.
“He slandered my name.” Chenfeng managed to grit out.
A hush fell around the court for a moment- everyone knew what that meant. Slandering someone’s name equated to slandering their family.
Then it erupted in noise.
“And this is how Ng trains their soldiers?” The princess of Gu had spoken up, sounding slightly hysterical. “No wonder your subjects have nothing but overwhelming praise for your highness!”
“Ng’s soldiers have grown arrogant, King of Ng, how do you-!”
“-it is too harsh, my Liege-”
“Silence.”
His Liege had barely raised her voice, but it cut through the squabble like a knife. Her eyes darkened as she studied him. There was a tightening around jaw.
“Chenfeng, you have jeopardised our relations with Gu, injured their minister and humiliated me all for the sake of keeping your precious pride. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
Chenfeng stared straight ahead. Better they think him a hothead then the humiliation AhYu would have to relive.
“My actions were wrong, My Liege.”
“Get on your knees.” Her words were quiet and lethal. It was all for show, yet Chenfeng dropped to his knees before he was even aware of it.
He knows why she does this. His Liege knew it would be infinitely better if he is punished by her than anyone else. She would strike him first, so that no one who witnessed her punishment would dare imply it wasn’t sufficient. So that no one else would judge him.
She sneered at his silence and with a kick, her foot landed hard against his shoulder. It would have sent him tumbling backwards had he not the good sense to tense at the last second.
“Since it was your temper that humiliated us today, wouldn’t it be apt if we killed that pride of yours?” She shoved her foot under his chin, forcing him to look at her.
Chenfeng was silent, and she kicked him hard enough to send him sprawling to the floor. He felt a searing red mark bloom across his cheek. A showy, surface wound to satisfy the ministers around them.
“You should kiss my feet to show who you serve before everyone here, since you’ve seemed to forgotten.” His Liege hissed. “How do you beg for forgiveness, Dog?”
“I give my life for Ng.” he intoned at her feet, both of them knowing full well he did not give a damn.
When he reached for her ankle, the tendons of her ankle stiffen imperceptibly under his fingers. It would be near unnoticeable if he hadn’t recognised it for what it was- AhYu’s last line of defence, ready to make an excuse and call it all off-
And it angered him.
Before the entire court, Chenfeng kissed the emperor’s shoes.
The night of AhYu’s wedding, Chenfeng had bled out against the floor as he could do nothing.
He had been able to glimpse her body, writhing against him. Her blurry thigh. Screaming. He wanted to move. His body was leaden, it felt like someone had cut out his tongue. He couldn’t even move a finger as the blood drained out of this abdomen onto the carpet.
Through her cries, he heard her whimper.
“Chenfeng,” she sobbed, “Chenfeng, help me.”
The sound made him want to render the flesh from FuGai’s bones. He moved one finger. Two. He coughed up blood.
Before he lost consciousness, Chenfeng remembered the image of a wild dog he had seen in one of his hunting trips. Slavering and red eyed, it had almost torn his arm off. A dog that has forgotten utterly every teaching of its master.
With the image burned in his mind’s eye, Chenfeng made his final, silent promise.
“Chenfeng!”
Chenfeng lifts his head just in time to see his Liege blow through the doors and before slamming him against the thin walls of his room.
“What the hell.” AhYu was snarling, “What was that this afternoon?”
“My Liege-” he tries, “I’m not decent-”
“Cut the My Liege bullshit out. I want an answer now.”
“I can’t explain what I did wrong if I don’t know what you are angry at me for.” His tone is more clipped than it has any right to be as a subject. He drops his undershirt carelessly to the ground.
Her eyes are blue fire.
“Why did you let them humiliate like that? Family honour?” She let out a sharp laugh. “You don’t even have a family to defend the honour of!”
“I know.” He said quietly.
“I never asked for this manner of service from my subjects. You should have told the truth of what that Gu bastard said- then you wouldn’t have to, wouldn’t-” her voice strangled.
“He slandered your name.”
“What of it? I would have his bones ground to dust-”
“It was for Ng.”
She looks at him incredulously.
“You may look like the perfect soldier to everyone else, but you and I both know it is not true.” Her eyes fell on his chest. The intensity of her gaze left him feeling raw. When she reached out a hand and traced his scar, he couldn’t help but flinch.
“Do I make you uncomfortable, Chenfeng?” she mocked, dragging her finger across his skin. “Or would you endure this for Ng too?”
“I am not uncomfortable, my liege.” He grits out.
“Are you saying that as my guard, or my friend? Because I no longer seem to know.” Her face crumples, retracting her palm. The patch of skin she touched felt as if it may as well be on fire.
“All these scars on your body for me, and what am I good for?” she murmured, as if speaking to herself. “What use is being King when I can’t even protect my most loyal subject?”
“It’s not-”
“Why must you sacrifice yourself like this Chenfeng?”
The air went out of his lungs when she turned her eyes up to meet his. A lurching, scrabbling feeling in his chest- the one he had tried so hard to bury for all these years. He was twenty, he was fifteen. He was still in the same damn place.
And it’s over. He’s falling again. He realises it even as it happens- the way her eyes widen as he slides his hand across her waist- it’s all over, she knows, she knows. AhYu lets out a strangled gasp as he pulls her in hard like he wanted to all these years and slants his mouth against hers.
Before he lets himself think any further he tangles a hand in her hair and kisses her deeper, harder, like he's pouring every desire, every pining thought against her open mouth he had chained up behind his ribs for the last four years.
When he tears away from her eyes are blown wide like she has never seen him before. And finally he hears it- the I’m sorry all those years ago when he was first in her bed and she couldn’t give him what he wanted. A boy crushed under the weight of a country.
When he turns and flees, she doesn’t follow him.
He first met AhYu when he was twelve.
His life was blurry till then. Snatches of war-stricken villages. Roads that led to nowhere. The odd last words of his mother: Convince your heart to live, son. Then he picked up a sword and was whisked away by an emperor and his life finally started.
“My father told me I was getting a puppy.”
AhYu had stared imperiously down at him even then. He shuffled behind her piercing gaze.
“I am not a puppy.” He stated.
She wrinkled her nose, as if unimpressed by this fact. Silence hung in the air again for a moment.
“Do you like dates?”
He knew he liked dates, but whether to disclose this information to her was another matter entirely.
“Maybe.” He decided to answer halfheartedly.
She ends up wanting to race him for a what’s left of it on Master Sun’s plate. She ends up wanting to do anything and everything together. Fishing, hiding, being a general nuisance to the family, but especially FuChai with his soft smile and slow feet. The days when AhYu’s smiles were as lovely and as constant as sunlight, and Chenfeng was still a boy and not a soldier.
Once day she decided to point out a few of the birds on the old peach tree.
“Do you know what birds those are Chenfeng?”
He shook her head, because AhYu liked proudly explaining things to him whenever she learnt something new from her lessons.
“Those are wagtails. Master Sun tell me they mate for life.”
She pointed at a pair of brown birds in the branches. Chenfeng cocked his head.
“What happens if one of them dies?”
Ahyu shrugged then, in the strange callousness only children could manage.
“The other dies too. I don’t understand why they would do that, but Master Sun said something about losing the heart to keep living.”
Chenfeng had stared at her then. She was watching the wagtails above them in quiet curiosity with those large, quiet eyes. He felt then, a quiet unthreading of something in his heart. Like a knot that finally unwound itself.
Under the peach trees, Chenfeng felt a tender sating in his soul for something he didn’t even know he wanted.
Now he runs until he can’t think of anything else. He runs until his skin is slick, abandoning every training Master Sun had imparted on him to pace himself, to clear his head. He runs until he finds himself back at that same tree.
AhYu had looked like she had all the answers then, and he had been inclined to believe her. When did it stop being enough? He gripped his forehead- that old familiar voice again- Because you’re a greedy bastard that never knows when to stop.
He waits until the sky sets, from dusky pink to mauve to black-blue, before he takes a deep breath and goes home. It was what he expected, but somewhere, maybe he was still wishing that AhYu would come find him again like before.
After the trade agreements broke down and the Gu envoys were sent back with a miffed princess and one less minister. His Liege didn’t talk to him longer than she had to, and Chenfeng gave her the same courtesy.
And if it hurt him, he knew he deserved it.
And things were fine for a while, until the New Years Procession. It’s generally understood that the emperor makes an appearance at midnight to bless the new year. Then, when he retires to the palace there is supposed to be women, food, festivities. Chenfeng expects to find his Liege enjoying himself in the dining hall with her subjects while he was on patrol.
Instead, he finds her passed out in the courtyard.
“My Liege,” He hesitates to shake her- but he eventually places a hand on her shoulder and her eyes fly open.
“Ah, it’s just you Chenfeng.” Her words are slurred at the ends. Chenfeng frowns. It was strange already that she didn’t nearly fling him off when she awoke- but then he took in her flushed cheeks, her unfocused gaze.
Ah.
His Liege was embarrassingly, uncharacteristically, drunk.
“My Liege, I’ll escort you back to your chambers.”
She doesn’t resist when he carries her to her chambers. He feels her slow, heavy breathing against his back. Normally she would shake him off, poke fun at how he’s worse than a nanny in that sweet, irritating way of hers. But tonight, she was abnormally silent. Only the sound of far-off festivities and his footsteps on the cobbled overpass of the palace streams breaks the quiet between them.
“I hate you.” She sighs against his back.
He cracks a smile at that.
“What have I done to deserve this hatred; may I ask?”
“You’re laughing at me.” He can feel her face twist up in irritation against his back and he almost chuckles before he lays her against one of the beds in her summer residence. “How dare you, I ought to have your head this instance.”
He makes a noncommittal noise as he tucks the blankets around her. The curtains breeze around them, light and thin as gossamer. He’s about to leave when she catches his wrist.
“Don’t leave, you coward.” AhYu’s voice sounds weak, needy. “You’re always running away from me. Why are you always running?”
“I don’t know what you’re sayin-”
“I love you.”
Chenfeng remembers to breathe. Because this is what it all came down to. Him. Her. A boy and a girl and a whole country between them.
“You love your loyal soldier.” He counters.
It comes out a touch more bitter than he intends.
“No,” She sighs. “I love a man. A man that is always trying to leave me.”
“I thought.” He couldn’t speak. “I thought that was-”
“If you say YiGuang, I will throw you out. I’ve waited for you ever since we defeated HeLu.” She rolled her eyes. “You can be awfully thick for a man in his prime sometimes, Chenfeng.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think,” She had coloured over in a lovely shade of peach now. “I ask any man to help me bathe?”
“I didn’t think-”
“And did you seriously think I was waiting for YiGuang at the end of the war? I was waiting on you, you dolt!”
“My Liege-”
“And finally!” Her ears were complete red at this point. He doubted his looked any different. “I thought you didn’t love me at all! It was unfair for me to keep you close, but I couldn’t help myself! And when you had kissed me, I was the happiest I had been in so long, and then when you ran away, what was I supposed to make of that?” Then she slumped, as if all the air had come out of her. “Don’t play with me, Chenfeng. If you don't want me then just say so.”
Chenfeng took a deep breath.
“You could order me to do anything.”
She looks incredulously at him. “That’s how you answer my earlier confession?”
“AhYu.”
The space between them becomes airless. She turns away.
"You haven't called me that in years."
“AhYu, I don’t do it out of love for Ng, or fear for the king.” His voice is thick. “So please tell me, why do you think I’m still here?”
The space between them is suffocating. Leaves no room for anything else.
“Do you love me?” she finally asks, and when she does she looks younger than he’s known her.
He turns away. “You already know.” He says hoarsely. “Please, you already know.”
She looks beautiful, he thinks, under the slats of moonlight and suddenly it all becomes so clear to him. There is still that heady, summer scent in the air, sweet nectar.
“All I have ever wanted was you.” He said simply, “Woman, King, it- it doesn’t matter anymore. I think I’d go insane with want for you.” He takes a deep breath and laughs. “I am a poor excuse for the Dog of Ng.”
“I hate that nickname.” She says faintly, but his hands are on her now, sure and never, ever leaving.“I’ve never wanted the Dog of Ng. Only Chenfeng.”
He swallowed. The air was a thin gossamer thing that spun out between them, slats of light moving across their bodies. He draws his hand up the side of her face, kisses her soft, slow. Like they have all the time in the world. Like a man.
This time when she undoes her clothes, he will not look away.