Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It slips out of Xiao Zhan’s mind.

The promotion for Jaded Crystal starts a week earlier than previously announced, jumbling his schedule. Initial activities in his calendar are unavoidably pushed back, occupying his originally free days.

He is bombarded for a month. City by city promotional tour, individual and cast interviews. In between presscons he flies back to Shenzhen to record the variety show. If he can. If his calendar allows. Truthfully, there is no time to breathe. He wakes with just an hour to prepare to leave and then return to his room for the day—his own apartment or of which hotel they are currently staying in—to sleep the second he hits the bed because he’s too tired to even make himself dinner.

The studio had tried to ask for allowances in the tour but it was in vain. He literally is the main character. Leads do not skip promotions. Because what’s the sense of selling a product when the main feature doesn’t work? Only his minor gigs agreed to postpone, but they were transferred to the later days when he expected to have it for himself. Bigger companies won’t adjust for him. They booked Xiao Zhan first, they’re the first to make use of him.

Within a month he only got to clear two days, and only to wake up for Qi Xingjuan because of that damn anniversary ploy. A stupid photoshoot at the Forbidden City wearing suits and dresses as if it’s a fucking prenup.

He’s so battered by work he even inadvertently passes out on Yibo when they text. Or do a video call. No time to meet, WeChat is their means of communication to see if the other’s still alive.

**

It’s two minutes past 12 midnight when he finishes showering, eyes barely open. He’s sporting a headache that Advil can’t alleviate. Brought by lack of sleep, for sure. And food. Most times he’s just too tired and stressed he’d rather sit and nap than nibble on bread or whatever the cast is having for the tour.

His phone rings for the nth time on the nightstand, plugged to charge, but he ignores it as he puts a shirt on. It’s Qi Xingjuan. Her texts are unanswered, calls dropped. Since the shoot is done, he doesn’t think he’s obligated to indulge her with casual talking. He never did. The woman is illiterate. Can’t read the room. Lately, even if she knows he’s too deep under to swim to the surface for air, she doesn’t stop calling. Did she think just because she confessed her feelings, that Xiao Zhan is going to go soft on her? Airhead.

Sleep is already serenading him when he lies down. But he hasn’t talked to Yibo for the whole day and he’s curious if the other man’s still awake. 12:06am. Yibo shouldn’t be staying up too late. He unplugs his phone and ignores Qi Xingjuan’s name to open his and Yibo’s thread, rereading past conversations.

He misses him. Especially after their last meeting. Didn’t expect for Yibo to ask that of him, didn’t expect himself to give in. Yibo said it was his duty. Xiao Zhan was there with no excuse to not take what was being offered to him. He took it, closed off his thoughts so he wouldn’t mistake it for something it’s not. Didn’t even kiss him because he was afraid he’d show too much.

Yawning, he scrolls and scrolls, battling against the call of slumber.

[ Puppyibo: What happened yesterday? You didn’t update me, Zhan-ge ]

[ Zhan: Nothing amazing, really ]

[ Puppyibo: Is it the devil? ]

[ Zhan: lol, but yeah. She has so many demands ]

[ Puppyibo: I hope she’s not bothering you too much… ]

[ Zhan: I’ve got a lot on my plate. She’s the last thing I’ll worry about ]

[ Puppyibo: And what’s the first thing? ]

[ Zhan: Promotional period for Jaded Crystals is starting. A week early. They’re pushing for an earlier release ]

[ Puppyibo: Damn. Don’t forget to eat and drink water, then. I’m the only one that has to see a doctor, mind you. Don’t steal my thunder ]

[ Zhan: I learned my lesson already :/ ]

[ Puppyibo: You’re gonna be busy, ge. Pretty sure the cast will be staying at hotels… Can I go? ]

[ Zhan: With me? During the tour? That’s trouble ]

[ Puppyibo: My pregnancy is not THAT difficult compared to what they say online. I can go with you, I have nothing to do. No more racing practice ]

[ Zhan: No, I mean if you’re gonna be in my hotel and somebody notices, it’s gonna raise suspicions. The clerk at Eyefunny recognized me, and you were there ]

[ Puppyibo: I won’t be seen, I’ll stay in my room and just meet you when it’s late ]

[ Zhan: That’s unnecessary ]

[ *Puppyibo recalled a message* ]

[ Zhan: What’s that? ]

[ Puppyibo: Nothing! Just sent the wrong sticker… ]

[ Zhan: Okay. Hey, I’ll talk to you later. We’re finalizing the tour accommodations ]

**

[ Puppyibo: Good morning, Zhan-ge ]

[ Puppyibo: Are you still sleeping or are you busy ]

[ Puppyibo: I’ll check on you again later then ]

[ Puppyibo: 3 hours and you’re still dead? Amazing ]

[ Zhan: This is hell ]

[ Puppyibo: There you are. How’s Shenyang? ]

[ Zhan: Lovely. After the presscon, there will be a Meet ‘n Greet. The cast will be going around the city tomorrow ]

[ Puppyibo: You still have to fly back in between, right? ]

[ Zhan: Manhan Noodles needs me to film a clip. We’re introducing the Xiao Zhan original, haha ]

[ Puppyibo: I’ll get it in the store! ]

[ Zhan: Don’t go out. Just order online. Don’t eat too much of that. Not good for you ]

[ Puppyibo: That’s not what an endorser should say lol, you’re supposed to encourage fans to eat it ]

[ Zhan: You’re not my fan. You’re my baby’s papa and the baby’s still growing inside of you, so you have to be healthy ]

[ Puppyibo: Alright, noted *eye roll emoji* ]

[ Puppyibo: I’m watching a natural birth documentary. It’s traumatizing. There’s actual footage. I won’t let them film me like that and show it to the world :/ ]

[ Puppyibo: Well I have no vagina, so ]

[ Puppyibo: Ah, Zhan-ge is busy again ]

[ Zhan: Sorry I only got free now ]

[ Zhan: Don’t watch something if it’s going to give you nightmares? You hate horror ]

[ Zhan: You must be sleeping now. Good night… ]

**

[ Puppyibo: Zhan-ge, I’ve vomited twice today. The medicine doesn’t seem to work anymore ]

[ Puppyibo: I’m waiting for the morning sickness to disappear but I might be one of those pregnant people who will get it ‘til the end of the whole pregnancy term :/ ]

[ Puppyibo: Busy again? ]

[ Puppyibo: I’ll be sleeping then… I’m so tired I ate a lot ]

[ Puppyibo: Don’t skip meals! Always drink some water before bed ]

**

[ Zhan: Yibo, I’m sorry. I literally couldn’t be on my phone yesterday but I have nothing to do today so. Let’s talk? ]

[ Puppyibo: Zhan-ge should’ve brought me there. I’m so bored ]

[ Zhan: You know I can’t ]

[ Puppyibo: You can. You just worry a lot ]

[ Zhan: Ran into an ex in Chongqing when I filmed Buying Ears. Can’t risk it ]

[ Puppyibo: I’m not your ex? ]

[ Zhan: Yeah you’re just a friend who carries my child, what could go wrong if we got caught? It’s worse ]

[ Puppyibo: It’s the hormones, ge. I get clingy ]

[ Zhan: Just wait for me to get back. I’ll make it up to you ]

[ *Puppyibo recalled a message* ]

[ Zhan: That again. What did it say? ]

[ Puppyibo: It’s your fault you don’t read it within two minutes. You got your notifs off? ]

[ Zhan: Yup. It’s dangerous since we’re texting. My manager holds it all day ]

[ Puppyibo: Get another phone, then. We can talk there ]

[ Zhan: I’ll get one when this is over. Must receive it personally at home ]

[ Zhan: Fuck ]

[ Puppyibo: Why? ]

[ Zhan: Accidentally opened Xingjuan’s message. She’s right next to you. Always texting so her name is at the top. Now I have to reply ]

[ Puppyibo: Why must you? Just ignore her ]

[ Zhan: It’s about the shoot. She’ll bother Liang-ge if I don’t reply. Give me a sec ]

[ Puppyibo: Okay ]

[ Puppyibo: Zhan-ge, where are you? ]

[ Puppyibo: You said it won’t take long ]

[ Puppyibo: I’ll just sleep ]

[ Zhan: She’s here ]

[ Puppyibo: Stalked your schedule? ]

[ Zhan: Likely… ]

[ Puppyibo: Then you have  to spend the day with her. I feel so sorry for you ]

[ Zhan: I’ll talk to you tonight? ]

[ Puppyibo: Mm. Will wait ]

[ Puppyibo: Zhan-ge? ]

[ Puppyibo: Good night, Zhan-ge ]

[ Zhan: Sorry my phone died. Just got back ]

[ Puppyibo: You were with her all day? ]

[ Zhan: No, I hung out with the cast. Then I charged my phone but I didn’t notice the adapter’s broken so I borrowed Liang-ge’s ]

[ Puppyibo: I’m sleepy ]

[ Zhan: Alright. Good night! ]

**

Xiao Zhan reaches the end of the thread, which are two of his own texts that were left unreplied for the past two days. Maybe Yibo eventually got sick of waiting for his messages, since their conversations got shorter and shorter, more hurried, tasteless.

He’s about to compose another when Yibo finally goes online, sending a picture. It’s grainy snap of his bump.

[ Zhan: It’s bigger now. Are we sure it’s just one baby? ]

[ Puppyibo: Kill me if we get twins. I’m just 21 and I don’t wanna be a dad of two little monsters ]

[ Zhan: Can I call you? ]

It takes Yibo a while to respond, but he eventually does.

[ Puppyibo: Alright ]

The younger is snacking in bed when he accepts the video call. Xiao Zhan fluffs the pillow under his head and gets comfortable, propping an elbow to hold up his phone and keep it at a decent angle. “What are you eating?”

“Peanuts. Craving it nowadays. Look—” The camera switches and zooms into Yibo’s bloated stomach. His laughter makes Xiao Zhan sleepily smile.

“You weren’t texting me.”

“I was busy— ” Yibo switches the cam back to his face. “Did something.”

“Ahuh?”

“Movie marathon with Feiyu. Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and some Marvel movies.”

Something hot and uncomfortable settles in Xiao Zhan’s chest. “And you couldn’t text me once.”

The younger only keeps eating, unaware of his jealousy. “You wouldn’t miss  out. You’re always busy, too.”

“You marathon-ed for two days straight?”

“No, silly,” Yibo chuckles, pulling the bowl of peanuts closer so he can show it. “I went for a Glucose Tolerance Test with him. Because I’ve been eating too much sweets. Wanna make sure I’m not at risk for developing Gestational Diabetes. I’ll get the result in a few days.”

“Who did you see?”

“Dr. Zhao, of course! He’s my OB. He asked where you’ve been. Told him you’re busy that’s why Feiyu’s with me. Guess what,” Yibo giggles. “He thought Feiyu’s the dad—”

Xiao Zhan sees red. “Next time if you wanna get tested, just wait for me so I can accompany you.”

“But you’re always busy…”

“And so you thought it was fine to bring someone else.”

Yibo finally senses the shift in his mood, sitting up in bed with his lips pursed apprehensively. “Well, you promised to do your best to be present for me but you’re unavailable most of the time.”

“My promise won’t work all the time, Yibo. You know what I do for a living, don’t you?”

“Then don’t be pissed that I brought Feiyu with me. He’s a friend so it’s fine. Unlike you, he can drop his class to come see the doctor with me—”

“But he’s not the dad—”

“The doctor doesn’t even know you’re the dad.”

Xiao Zhan sits up as well, scowling. “That’s the problem. What do you think it’ll look like if you brought different men for prenatal checkups? If it’s not Feiyu, then who? One of your Yamaha teammates?”

The line cuts off.

Dumfounded, he blinks at it before sighing, sending Yibo a quick text apologizing for snapping. He’s tired, he didn’t eat, he’s jealous.

Twenty minutes later, there’s no sign of life from Yibo.

[ Zhan: You won’t reply to me? ]

[ Zhan: Alright. We’ll be back tomorrow afternoon, but I’m going to rest first and then attend a director’s birthday party. I’ll be free the next day ]

[ Puppyibo: Fuck you ]

[ Zhan: Seriously? ]

[ Puppyibo: Stop texting me. I’m sleeping ]

Xiao Zhan huffs, plugs his phone again before lying down and turning off the lights. If Yibo doesn’t want him to text, then he won’t. Cursing him out was so uncalled for, he thinks. It must be the hormones.

Sat at one of the tables in the main customer area of the resto-bar, Yibo tears through his spicy chicken wings and washes it down with a glass of water. It leaves his mouth burning as well as his blood as he recounts last night’s conversation to Feiyu, who’s quietly listening while nursing himself with beer and pasta.

“He’s the one that won’t call even just a few minutes if he’s out with the cast. Why is he so worried about being heard talking to a male friend? What’s different with hanging out with a fellow actor? Will the staff think they’re together?”

An indie three-man band plays in front, giving the resto-bar a fancier ambiance.

“He can’t even ask me how I’m doing. It’s always me who has to check on him first. Is he not worried about the baby? What if I’m sick? What if I’m the one whose phone died and can’t tell right away that I slipped and hit my head and I’m bleeding?” He ignores Feiyu’s grimace. “Won’t he try to call me?”

“To be fair, if your phone was dead, then he still wouldn’t know what happened to you even if he called first.”

Chicken meat hangs between Yibo’s front teeth. “…Are you defending HIS honor?”

Feiyu rolls his eyes, eating a forkful of pasta. “There was just a tiny flaw in your argument but you got the point across. It’s a little…irresponsible of him to not check on you when he’s away.”

“Right? And he has the audacity to make it sound bad that I brought someone else to the checkup. Who else if not him since he didn’t visit me for an hour or two when he flew back to Shenzhen in between city tours? When he refused to let me tag along even if we wouldn’t be seen together anyway?”

He continues to protest without Feiyu interrupting.

“He lets Qi Xingjuan drag him around because it benefits his work but he can’t spare a few hours for me.” Yibo grabs a tissue and wipes the sauce off his lips, annoyed and defeated. “I hate this situation, and I hate that woman for being so dense. How can’t she tell Zhan-ge is not interested? I hate her,” he crumples the tissue and dumps it in his plate full of chicken bones, “and I hate what he said on the phone.”

“…You deserve better.”

“Better treatment, yes. But I’m afraid that…that for me, there’s no one better than Zhan-ge.”

Feiyu watches the unknown band as the song nears its end.

“I like you.”

“Of course, you do.” Yibo drinks his water, and slowly puts the glass down as it hits him. “Oh—”

“For a while now. Since last year. Realized it when you won ARRC and I was so proud of you and wished I could…well.”

He keeps looking at Feiyu, their demeanor getting more somber. “I’m sorry…”

Feiyu smiles at him, trying to be dismissive of his own rejection. “It’s fine. Maybe in the next life, I’ll have a chance.”

“Ah—I’m sorry. It’s just…I’m sure of Zhan-ge. Here…and the next lifetimes.”

There’s no other way to make it less painful. He’s honest, and he’s never sugarcoated things before to cushion the blow. It’s better to make Feiyu understand it now than let him bring that hope in the next lifetime. Yibo is not a teller of the future, but he knows—Xiao Zhan is the only one for him.

“Does anybody have a request?”

“Not a song request but, my friend here wants to sing—”

Yibo gapes at Feiyu. “What?”

“You want to sing, you told me.”

“I didn’t…?”

“Consider it payback for not even giving me a chance in the next life. Come on,” a gentle nudge to his side, “sing for us. Your favorite.”

His favorite song? Yibo chuckles, looks at the band and sends Feiyu a mischievous glare. He’s not as good a singer as Xiao Zhan but he’s got a nice vocal color that he only lets people hear when he’s drunk.

He zips his jacket just above his stomach and walks to the front, taking the seat the band singer previously occupied. “Um,” he taps the microphone, asks someone to turn the volume down a little bit.

Before him, Feiyu gives a thumbs up and a wide grin.

“Please don’t expect too much. I don’t really sing—” Signalling to the band that he wouldn’t need an accompaniment, he takes a deep breath and starts to sing.

He doesn’t need to look at the lyrics. He knows the song by heart as it speaks to him, speaks for him.

“Once upon a time, they fell in love on accident

At an era where there was no hesitation

They thought they understood

So they loved to their heart’s content

A pair of hands, held so firmly that

They can’t be separated

Striving for the future in their hearts.”

That night was not written in the stars so they scribbled it themselves. Their inhibitions down, hesitations stripped off their bodies. Understanding was unneeded. All they cared about was holding each other like it wouldn’t end.

Yibo  knew. Even if he only remembers a few. His drunk self must have wanted that present to be his future as well.

“I can’t forget our love

But the final result is hard to change

I couldn’t make you stay

Not like him, who could give you a

Future to look forward to

That childish boy.”

He woke up without the barest hint of recollection but it loomed over him anyway, and its remembrance was a planted seed watered by chances. Still, he can’t keep Xiao Zhan next to him, like how she can. Can look at him anytime he wants with such palpable love like she can, and be admired for it.

With her, he can go on.

With him, Xiao Zhan is torn.

“I’m missing you right now

Thinking of you, whenever I pace about

All the regrets, they are not the future

All the love is hard to avoid in the end

Cannot escape from the pain

No need to start over again.”

He craves him, aches for him. Xiao Zhan is all the good and bad the world can give him. He can never go back in time and change what they had done, and Yibo won’t be able to unlove him regardless. Even if it hurts. Even if it hurts yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That’s the price of falling when there is no safety net waiting for him. Even so, Yibo will always choose to do this. To fall in love with Xiao Zhan all over again.

“Right now I just hope that the hurt

Will leave its place to joy

Since we are not able to start over again.”

Since this is his default, a hopeless romantic fool, he just hopes the river flows gently and takes him to a calmer sea where he can picture himself reaching the horizon and touching the sunset.

To lie on the raft and look at the sky, while hoping the sea washes away his pain if he can’t unfeel it.

**

The VIP section is separated from the general area by a tinted, soundproof glass. The birthday celebrant, director of hit drama Ginger Bread, belts notes of a trot song and spearheads the round of raucous cheers.

Qi Xingjuan offers her pretend boyfriend a can of beer and hides her scoff with a cheer when Xiao Zhan predictably rejects it. She takes a sip, grimaces at the taste and leaves it next to her empty plate. What does she have to do for Xiao Zhan to pay attention? He’d already dragged his seat a little away from her in a manner the people around them won’t raise a brow at. She just wishes for him to have fun without constantly trying to repel her like she’s a pest.

Boredly, she gets up to have more strawberry and whipped cream from the dessert table at the back, and almost drops her plate when she sees who just got off the stage of the resto-bar’s common area. Quickly, she looks at Xiao Zhan to see if he knew.

The director stops singing so she returns to her seat next to the actor, worried that Xiao Zhan might leave and see Yibo. “Guangyan gege,” she calls coquettishly as if they were close, “It’s been three months since you married your long-time non-showbiz girlfriend, right?”

Xiao Zhan glances at her inquisitively.

“If it’s okay to ask, where did you go for your honeymoon?”

“We went to Saipan, actually. And stayed there for two  weeks.”

“Wow, Saipan? I heard it’s really beautiful.” She’s been there before. It’s nothing special. Overhyped. She’d rather be in New Caledonia.

“You should visit it sometime! It’s a romantic place—”

“For real? Must be really romantic since your wife is pregnant now.”

The director laughs good-naturedly but Xiao Zhan nudges her leg with his, a warning. She ignores him, taking a sip of her cocktail. “I hope she goes through a safe pregnancy and delivers a healthy baby. Do you plan to have more than one?”

Next to her, Xiao Zhan shifts in discomfort that only she can decode.

“It’s nice to have a big family, right? Me too, I want to have that in the future. Would three children be perfect? Or five.” Xingjuan giggles, turning to Xiao Zhan. “We can take care of all of them, right, baobei?”

Her eyes twinkle with mischief as he looks at her in surprise. Xingjuan hears his thoughts. He calls her a devil. But why hate her, when she’s only cementing his ideal image? Loyal, loving, and straight. It’s time for him to appreciate her well-meaning intentions.

Xiao Zhan recovers swiftly, putting on a smile. “We’re both too busy right now, and it’s still too early. Let’s just wait for what the future has in store.”

“Exactly.” She looks back at Director Guangyan and their companions with the same precious smile. “There’s still a lot of time so we don’t want to rush, but I think it will lead there eventually.”

Three things happen at once. Xiao Zhan stiffens, their friends root for their endgame, and Wang Yibo passes by the VIP section to probably go to the comfort room.

She doesn’t dwell too long on whether or not Yibo is aware they’re here when Xiao Zhan stands up. “Where are you going?”

“Comfort room,” he says, whispering. “I feel sick.”

Xingjuan tails him. Xiao Zhan is hers tonight and not even Wang Yibo can speed up this evening.

Stopping right outside the comfort room, concealed from customers by a wall, Xiao Zhan glares at her. “What the hell were you talking about there?”

“What do you think?”

“Didn’t you get told off by Firefly? By your team, to not do things you don’t consult with me first? To not follow me around? I didn’t invite you here!”

“I’m friends with Huang Qiuyue—”

Xiao Zhan talks over her, seething. “This relationship was built purely on lies. But it doesn’t mean that you gotta keep spewing bullshit after bullshit every chance you get because you’re not helping. You’re not really helping! You’re making it worse for me!”

She matches his glower, raising her chin. “And how am I making it worse for you when I’m fixing you?”

“Fuck—there’s nothing wrong about me, Xingjuan. Stop trying to be a walking conversion therapy. I hope you know how problematic that was. Be glad I can’t end the contract yet because for some reason they don’t see how crazy you are—”

The door opens, and she does the first thing she thinks of. Pull Xiao Zhan close, press her lips on his.

“You—” Xiao Zhan looks at the person that just came out of the comfort room, ready to apologize for the indecent display, and feels his heart drop to his feet. “Yibo—I didn’t know you’d be here—”

“You wish I could’ve told you so you two could’ve gone to another place?”

Pain, anger and disgust whirl in those indignant eyes. Xiao Zhan reaches for the other man’s hand, but Yibo snatches his hand like Xiao Zhan’s touch is a douse of acid.

**

Taking the exit leading to the parking lot at the back of the resto-bar, Yibo sends Feiyu a text informing him that he’ll be leaving. He doesn’t want to stay there any minute longer or else he’s going to explode and it’s not going to be pretty.

Ignoring Xiao Zhan’s calls, he gets on his bike and wears the helmet, cursing as the key gets tangled with a thread in his pocket. “Stop following me—”

“…What the fuck?” Xiao Zhan eyes the Ducati like it did him wrong. “Did you come here riding that?”

“What the fuck do you care?” He finally gets the key and inserts it in the ignition before kicking the stand back to its place.

Xiao Zhan glances back at the resto-bar. “Who are you here with? Feiyu? Did you ride with him?”

“Don’t be stupid. It has only one seat. We met up here—again, what the hell do you care? What is it to you if I ride a bike, if I came here with a friend? Stop asking questions, Zhan-ge. I’m not asking you why you were doing what I saw you doing. And out of all the first things you could’ve asked me after being away for a month, it’s who I’m with?”

“Because you’re on a bike and you shouldn’t be alone!”

“I wouldn’t be alone if you just dropped by even for a day.”

Yibo lets go of the brakes and drives away from the venue.

“Wang Yibo!” Xiao Zhan frustratedly runs a hand through his hair and turns around, planning to get back and tell the other’s he has to leave and stops as he sees Qi Xingjuan watching from the side with a sneer. Before him, Feiyu shakes his head and saunters towards a Vespa.

Vexation simmers within him. Xingjuan being entertained by the argument is expected, but Feiyu has no right to act up. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Me? Just my thesis and how hard it is to get that diploma. But you? Your problem is driving down the highway right now. You  might wanna check on him first before taking that misplaced anger out on me. You shouldn’t even be mad at me.”

A scoff, and Xiao Zhan tugs his mask on before walking out of the parking lot to flag a cab down.

**

Rapid, insistent knocks. “Yibo? Yibo, open up. I know you’re there. I saw the bike in your parking spot.”

It’d be hilarious if he lets Xiao Zhan keep knocking and pretend he’s out of the apartment. So what if the bike’s there? He could’ve just parked it and then left again.

“Yibo. Please. Let me in.”

Fury burgeons inside of him. He can’t remove the image of Xiao Zhan and Qi Xingjuan kissing. He’d already downed a glass of water, but his rage doesn’t subside. If anything, it pours oxygen into the blaze and he’s not a firefighter.

When the knocks only get louder, Yibo curses and leaves his seat in the kitchen to finally open the door. Impatience rattles him. He’s not in the mood to argue with Xiao Zhan. He’s in the mood to spiral downwards, to let his emotions take control of him as per his body’s wish.

“Do you have something to say?”

Xiao Zhan closes the door and takes the mask off. “Have you been going places riding that bike?”

“That again? I thought I told you it’s none of your business.”

“It’s MY business, Yibo. You’re carrying MY child and if something happens to it while you’re on the road, then it’s damn well MY fucking business.”

He huffs, hands on his hips as he paces. “It’s not like I’m putting OUR child in danger. This baby is yours as much as it is mine, Zhan-ge. I know what’s right and what’s wrong and it’s not as dangerous as you’re making it out to be! Pregnant women drive bikes every fucking time! Besides, I only used it tonight. I missed driving them. Can you blame me? I can’t race, I can’t skate, I can’t drive—I asked Dr. Zhao last time if it’s alright for me to get on the Ducati and he said yes, as long as there’s still room for my belly because if there’s no more space, it means it’ll be too hard for me and that’s when it’s going to be dangerous—but you don’t know that because you weren’t there! You were not with me!”

Xiao Zhan rubs his face, as exasperated as him and he doesn’t know why, because he should be the only one losing his shit right now. “Do you never listen when I tell you I can’t just drop my work? We were promoting the movie. I’m literally the lead. And when I flew back here I was still working. I couldn’t be absent, Yibo. What do I tell them? I needed a valid excuse. Skipping will only make me seem irresponsible.”

Oh, that’s true. As a matter of fact, Yibo agrees with it. Feiyu is right. Xiao Zhan knocked him up, it’s only right that he fulfills his duties here.

“Well, that sounds ridiculous. You’re so focused on being a responsible actor and a fake boyfriend but never a responsible father. Fucking liar,” venom drips on the floor from his tongue, “you told me you were at the party.”

“I was at the party, Yibo. What part of my career blasting into a thousand fragments if you keep demanding my presence with the risk of us getting caught do you not understand?”

Career. It’s always that fucking career. He has dropped his own for this.

Yibo reddens with hurt and anger. He needs Xiao Zhan, he needs the other father of his baby, he needs his friend, he needs his pillar and he’s not getting that. His hormones are getting the better of him as he walks over to his collection, clutching his hair tightly. “But why—you and Qi Xingjuan…”

“She got invited.”

“Why can she do anything she wants but I can’t? Why is she allowed to follow you around but I can’t?” He eyes the pictures taped to one of the helmets. Xiao Zhan snapped in mid laughter, and the sonogram of his first ultrasound. “Don’t you hate her? You don’t hate me so why—” He pauses and turns around, vision translucent with unshed wetness. “She can talk about the both of you publicly and I can’t even do that. I can’t even tell my parents who the fuck knocked me up and she’s out there kissing you as a part of the job. Zhan-ge, I’m pregnant with our child and I can’t do shit with you.”

“Yibo,” Xiao Zhan sighs heavily, terribly clueless of what Yibo is meaning to say. “As much as I hate it, she’s my girlfriend in the public’s eye. To everyone, she’s my lover. To them—who are you to them to be doing all that she does? Is that what you want? To cling to me all the time? But who are you? They’re going to wonder who you are to me. Why you’re always next to me—”

“We don’t have to tell them what we are to each other! We’re friends—and if they figured out I’m pregnant, it doesn’t automatically mean it’s yours! Can’t you hang out with a male friend with a child growing in their belly? Is that illegal now?”

“Please don’t think I don’t get it. It’s completely normal. But—but if you wanted to be seen with me after all, why did you ask me to keep our friendship a secret before? Wasn’t it you who wanted to be away from the spotlight, who didn’t want to be found out by the public, who didn’t want to be related to me? So where is this coming from, when in the first place, you didn’t want the world to know that I know you? That’s a little hypocritical.”

Great. As if being absent is not enough, Xiao Zhan also wants to make him feel guilty. Great. Just great.

Yibo bites down his lip, jealousy and bitterness and longing all lost in translation because he can’t say what he truly wants to say. To ask Xiao Zhan what he truly wants from him. To ask Xiao Zhan to not leave him again.

He’s got a hand on his stomach as a tear loses its grip. “What’s hypocritical is you being the one with promiscuity rumors but making me look like the one who can’t keep it in his pants dragging two different men, who are literally just my friends and one of them is even the goddamn father, to the doctor for a checkup. A checkup. That’s what you call a hypocrite. Why are you always so pissed when it comes to Feiyu? First time we saw each other in a month and you wanted to know if he rode with me? When you could see I only had one fucking seat? Where is he gonna be, on my lap?”

Xiao Zhan clicks his tongue in annoyance. “I’m going to ignore what you said on the first part—”

“You can’t say anything because it’s true—”

“But my irritation comes with a reason, alright? I feel like he’s taking MY place.”

“…Well, that’s not my problem anymore, is it? You’re always unavailable, so why are you pissed at him for making sure I’m not alone? Don’t get mad at him for giving a damn about me.”

“See, you’re not making sense, Yibo. I can’t get mad at him for always gluing himself to you but you can get mad at me for being with Qi Xingjuan for work? We have a contract. You don’t.” Xiao Zhan diverts his gaze towards the helmets. “Stop riding a bike.”

Yibo tongues his cheek, nodding. “Fine. I will stop driving it, but we will compromise. I don’t drive my own bike even if the doctor allowed me, but you come with me to get stuff for the baby soon.” The older man opens his mouth. “What, you can’t do that? Can’t buy stuff for your kid? Because people will wonder what the hell Xiao Zhan is doing at such a store?”

“So you do know why I can’t.”

“No, I don’t. You can tell them you’re buying a gift for a friend.”

Xiao Zhan smirks but it doesn’t attract Yibo. Right now, it only makes him feel small. “Clothes, crib, bottles, one of each product in the store for a friend? I might as well be the parent, right? Why can’t we shop online?”

“Because I really want to go there with you and experience all of these things that a first time parent should…”

“One last time, Yibo. One last time. I can’t do it. I can’t be out there in a maternity store with always a 50% chance to be recognized because there will always be a malicious person waiting for me to fuck up. And once that happens, it’s over. My life will be messed up because you want me to shop for—”

His ear rings painfully from disbelief. He’s tired, he’s hormonal, and he can’t fucking believe Xiao Zhan’s audacity.

“Messed up? Your life’s messed up? YOURS? You know what’s messed up, Zhan-ge? It’s coming to a bar and not being able to drink myself to oblivion so I can forget about how fucked up this is but I can’t—” a sob rips through him, tears cascading down heated cheeks. “—because there’s a life inside me that will get hurt if I nurse my own pain. Because I’m pregnant with your child…and you think coming to a shop to buy our baby’s clothes is going to mess up your life? On a scale of one to fucking ten, how much of an asshole are you?!”

Xiao Zhan stares, speechless at his outburst. “Yibo—”

“Stop calling me that,” he angrily wipes his tears, turning on his heel.

“Please—”

“Stop, fucking, talking!”

And in his temper, he grabs one of the helmets and blindly hurls it towards the other, crying harder as it hits the wall and drops to floor with a sickening crack. “Get out. You don’t want to take responsibility? Then get out.”

“Can you please—”

“GET OUT!”

Xiao Zhan drops his hands, mouth firm line before nodding and turning around to actually leave. When the door closes, Yibo plops to the couch holding his head, his sobbing suffocating him.

He understands Xiao Zhan’s plight, he really does. He’s been understanding Xiao Zhan since day one.  But can’t the other do a bit of the same, spare a single day with Yibo without worrying what people are going to say, without letting anybody take him away?

Yibo’s not asking Xiao Zhan to love him back, to expose himself to the world. It’s possible, right? To take a break from playing the beloved celebrity everyone admires, and to just be a doting father and a friend for a while?

Pent up frustrations burst out of him like shaken, uncorked sparkling wine. The hormones are working double time to make him feel like shit, and every blink of the tears away only replays the image of Xiao Zhan kissing Qi Xingjuan. She kisses him like he owes her one, but he can’t even go out with Xiao Zhan for a stupid walk to the park.

Doesn’t he possess more value compared to her, compared to the limelight? Or does he not mean anything now? Is he to blame that Xiao Zhan expects him to understand all the goddamn time?

Silence overtakes as his cries die down. Grasping the bone necklace, he waits for Xiao Zhan to annoyingly knock again because he’s going to open the door. He’s a martyr. He forgives every kind of sin.

Yet the knocks don’t come.

Yibo would loathe for this night to leave a rift between them.

“Zhan-ge,” he hiccups, stands and heads for the door ready to run after Xiao Zhan when he opens it and sees the other man standing in the hallway looking half as broken as him. “Zhan-ge—”

“I’m sorry,” Xiao Zhan says, pushing away from the wall and towards him. “I don’t wanna go. I can’t leave you like this. I can’t go home if we’re fighting—”

Yibo blinks, another tear trickling.

I’m sorry, Bo-di.” Xiao Zhan repeats, holding his hand. “I’m sorry, okay? For being absent and…and for what I implied on the call. You’re not that kind of guy. But I really can’t do much about my schedule and about her. She—I didn’t kiss her earlier. She must have known you were there. I will never do something like that if I don’t have to. Just…just know that when I’m away, I think of you and our baby. I’m sorry.”

His Zhan-ge is sorry. He doesn’t want to fight, doesn’t want to leave Yibo hurting. He walked out but stayed in the hall to wait for Yibo to calm down so they could hear each other out properly without the screaming.

Yibo lets him in again and immediately presses his face against Xiao Zhan’s shoulder, clutching the other’s sides. “I’m sorry for lashing out, Zhan-ge. I’m tired, too. And it’s hard…”

A kiss is planted to his hair, hands rubbing his back gently.

“I won’t ride the bike again, I promise. I missed it but I won’t ride it again. Don’t be mad at me…?”

“I’m not mad at you, okay? We’re both frustrated and we could’ve handled it better. But it’s over.” A kiss on his forehead and he almost cries again.

“Do you have something to do tomorrow? If there’s none…would you like to sleep over?” Yibo’s smile is back albeit weak as Xiao Zhan nods, and they head to his room hand in hand walking past the broken helmet on the ground.

They’re okay. Yibo still hurts, the other’s words and the guilt he was made to feel still droning, but tomorrow is a new day and they’re okay. They’re going to be okay. Because Xiao Zhan is going to be with him and that’s all that matters.

Waking up to Xiao Zhan next to him, without the horror of a drunken night is unlike any other. Yibo rubs the sleep out of his swollen eyes and turns to his side to watch Xiao Zhan for a while. It’s not creepy. He’s just admiring the look of peace on Xiao Zhan’s face, all things considered.

Despite the fight, Yibo slept decently and even had a nice dream. It was nothing phenomenal, just him playing with their faceless baby on the floor covered with soft playmats, pieces of Legos scattered around them as Xiao Zhan read something on the couch. He didn’t recognize the house but it felt comfortable and familiar.

Yibo reaches out,  hand stopping shy of holding Xiao Zhan’s. They went to bed with a foot of space in between and there’s only half of it left now.

He sighs as his alarm rings causing Xiao Zhan to stir awake, looking at him groggily.

“Too early…”

“It’s already 9, Zhan-ge. Do you wanna sleep in? Though I’m hoping we could go to the bookstore to, you know, get that pregnancy book. If we can’t go to the baby store.”

Xiao Zhan’s brows furrow. “You never got the books?”

“…I wanted to wait for you. Can we go?” Bravely, he takes Xiao Zhan’s hand now, tugging at it. “Please? It’s just a bookstore. I don’t think it’s bad for us to be there. We can go to this indie bookstore just a few blocks away from the building. Nobody comes to a bookstore this early.”

“You said it’s 9? Alright… You wanna get brunch after? We can get takeaways and eat them here.”

Going to a bookstore is one thing and eating at a restaurant together is another. Yibo can settle for one. One step at a time. Maybe when he finally gives birth and their baby can be left with Feiyu for a few hours, he and Xiao Zhan can try having breakfast or lunch or dinner without worries.

“I’ll take a shower first,” he says as he slips out of bed, stretching for a bit. “Since you don’t have clothes here, you can borrow mine. I don’t have pants that will fit your mile-long legs but I got cargo shorts.”

Yibo grabs a change of clothes and leaves Xiao Zhan in his room, stopping as he sees the forgotten helmet on the floor. Carefully he picks it up and traces the ugly crack on the crown before putting it on the couch. He’ll just get another one. Luckily, it’s not one of Xiao Zhan’s gifts to him.

**

The bookstore, as though the gods have heard their prayer, is literally devoid of visitors. They freely go around looking for pregnancy books while the oblivious cashier minds her own business at the counter.

Yibo slides a finger under the mask to scratch on the side of his mouth as he walks over to where the pregnancy books might be. There’s not an exact label on the shelves, just genres, so he and Xiao Zhan stand side by side at the non-fiction aisle scanning titles on the spines.

They’re almost matching today, wearing hoodies although Yibo has sweatpants on rather than shorts, getting teased by Xiao Zhan earlier because of what he said before about tracksuits. His worry about how the day will go disappeared. Xiao Zhan’s laughter is contagious.

He finally finds what they’re looking for and flips the book to read its blurb. Yibo is not a fan of reading, another reason why he hated going to school. But he’d finished that poetry book that Xiao Zhan gave to him back when they were teenagers. He still doesn’t like poems but he’s got his favorites from the book.

“I’ll check them out in case the cashier is your fan.”

“Oh,” Xiao Zhan glances at the girl busy printing something. “Sure, thanks.”

Yibo caresses the front cover of his first chosen book. “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Should we get this?”

“What does the back say?”

“The author is a midwife with 30 years of experience. She focuses on discussing the natural strength to give birth.”

“Well, you’re not going to push the baby out of your ass, so. I don’t think we need that one.” Xiao Zhan shows him what he got. “Mayo Clinic’s Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. Written by doctors who are parents themselves so it may tackle struggles of becoming a new parent, week by week pregnancy progress, and advice of what’s good to eat and do the farther along you are.”

Yibo tells the other they’ll get that before taking a recipe book out of the shelf. “Whenever you’re available to cook for me, Zhan-ge. Maybe before you leave tonight.” He blushes when he sees the new book Xiao Zhan is holding and punches his arm. “Why are you reading that?”

“Why not? It’s about breastfeeding—”

“And I can’t breastfeed because I won’t have milk in my chest, you buffoon. We’re gonna have to feed the baby with formula.”

Xiao Zhan deflates.

“…The fuck are you getting sad for?”

“Reading this could still be fun?”

“But useless, so no. That one is good, that thick one at the bottom. I don’t know jackshit about taking care of a newborn.” Yibo also grabs a book of pregnancy trivia, putting everything in the small, yellow basket. “Is this enough? They don’t have many pregnancy books.”

Xiao Zhan nods and continues to go around the store as he pays at the counter. When the cashier hands him his bag, he leaves first and Xiao Zhan exits a minute later, following him to a quaint restaurant nearby.

**

They’re just starting to unwrap the books, their bellies full with a satisfying lunch when there’s a knock on the door. Yibo frowns—he’d specifically told Feiyu not to drop by for today so it can’t be him.

A delivery man asks him to sign on the waybill. He can’t refuse it because his name is on the package even though he doesn’t remember ordering anything lately. Also, it’s already been paid.

“Take a look inside, it might be a bomb.”

“Haha, funny.” Yibo thanks the delivery man and brings the package to the couch. Retrieving a scissor, he cuts the protective wrap and freezes for a moment upon seeing Hedon’s logo.

Xiao Zhan lifts the box’s covers and takes the helmet out, the exact same model that was broken and hands it to him.  “I ordered a new one when I was in the hallway. Told them it’s urgent and I’m willing to pay double if they can find a stock and deliver it right away. It’s original, right? You’re the one who can tell.”

Stunned, Yibo cradles the gift. “…Thank you, Zhan-ge. This is…this is around $1000…and you paid double.” It still has its receipt, too. The one he had was a secondhand. Thrilled, he quickly fills the gap on his shelf and stares at his collection with a grin. “Thank you so much, Zhan-ge. It looks shinier because it’s actually new. I’m going to put the old one in my room.”

“You’re welcome. Now, can we start reading these books?”

He takes his box of chocolates first and sits next to Xiao Zhan again.

“Is it okay for you to keep eating sweets? You haven’t gotten the result of the Glucose Tolerance test yet.”

“It’ll be out tomorrow. I’m planning to have another ultrasound to see if we can detect the heartbeat already.”

Xiao Zhan checks his phone calendar. “I have a schedule at lunch but if you want, I can come with you in the morning.”

Yibo smiles as he bites down the tiny chocolate bar. “I’d love that. Anyway, if my sugar level is high then this will be my last day of eating chocolates. So I’ll treat this as my last meal. Then I’ll drink lots of water.” Reclining, with his legs perched on Xiao Zhan’s lap, he takes the book of pregnancy trivia. “Can you please massage my legs? They’re a little sore.

“Sure. I had to learn this for Domino Effect two years ago.”

“Oh yeah, you were a massage therapist. That role prompted some dirty imagines in community forums, if you’re not aware.”

“…I’ve seen a few of them. Gave me the chills, honestly.”

Yibo then puts the bowl at the side and just spreads the bite-sized chocolate bars on his little bump, triggering a smile on Xiao Zhan. “Gonna read now. First one is already shocking. The longest pregnancy ever recorded was 375 days…”

His Zhan-ge kneads his legs gently. “That’s over a damn year. God forbid the baby stays in you for 100 days more than the average period.”

“That’s gonna be a bummer, no? 9 months already feels like forever. Anyway. The oldest woman to have a baby was 66 years old. What? You mean the eggs are still alive at 66 years old?”

Xiao Zhan raises a brow. “Do the eggs even die?”

“I never finished college, Zhan-ge.”

“And I’m a Graphic Designer.”

“We probably just didn’t study enough. I bet this was taught in high school. Oh well.” Yibo scans the pages for interesting facts. “Ge, do you think my voice got pitchy? Because it says here that due to hormonal changes, my vocal folds will swell, thus my voice may change but will likely go back to normal when I give birth.”

“I think you sound the same. Could that mean you’re not going through enough hormonal changes?”

“Fuck this. I swear, if that’s the case, I’ll just sleep until the baby is out. We’ll spare the two of us the stress.

Yibo shifts more comfortably on the couch, some chocolates fall off his tummy. Xiao Zhan’s hands alternate between soft and hard kneading, both effectively reducing the soreness of his legs. “Wow, ge, you’re really good at that.”

Xiao Zhan grins smugly, pressing up and down the soles of his feet. “Told you. I’m an expert in this department.”

“Hah. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” How they are right now when they were just screaming at each other last night is a little hilarious. Yibo still doesn’t want to think about it. He offers one chocolate to Xiao Zhan, grinning like a gremlin as the latter takes it.

Then the next trivia terrifies him. “My god. Someone gave birth to nine—NINE babies in Morocco. There were nine babies in her stomach at the same time. Did the babies eat her guts or something? How could she have so much space for nine people? Imagine that, Zhan-ge. We’re gonna die—Zhan-ge, are you listening?”

“Sorry—what?”

“What’s got you zoning out? Are you thinking of how somebody could possibly conceive nine babies at once…or how to make it possible for me to breastfeed?”

Xiao Zhan squawks in embarrassment. “N-no, that’s not it! Why are you so hung up on that? I was just curious. The book was literally right in front of me. I was just thinking about what names we could give our baby. For a girl or a boy.”

“Oh—the doctor said we can find out the gender in the 18^th to 21^st week.”

“Won’t hurt to think about it now so we’ll have a lot of options.”

“I have an idea,” Yibo sits up, muttering thanks to his massager for the day. “What if we call him or her Jianguo? It’s unisex.” High-pitched giggles burst out of him as Xiao Zhan gives him the stink eye. “I’m kidding! That’s saved for your cat. But I’m too dumb right now to think of names and I’m not even good at it. Listen to the trivias first. And do you want me to feed you more chocolates?”

“I want to talk to our baby instead.”

“What—”

He squeaks as Xiao Zhan rolls up his hoodie and pats his belly lovingly, smiling.

“Hello, baby. You’re doing good in there, right? Hang on a bit more. You still have roughly six months to live in your papa’s baby house. Then after that, you’ll sleep in a nice crib. We’ll get you a really soft bed. But don’t give papa a hard time, though. When you start moving, don’t kick him too hard. And if you can, don’t make papa vomit anymore.”

Yibo dies inside at the endearing display. His heart swells with both love and pain because Xiao Zhan will still be as busy as he was last month with the gigs that were postponed due to the promotional tour. When he gives birth, he hopes that the baby will recognize Xiao Zhan’s voice. He doesn’t want them to be strangers to each other.

The rumbling of his stomach rudely breaks his reverie. “Err, I might need a break.”

“You’re hungry again?”

“I need a toilet break.” Passing the book over to Xiao Zhan, he returns the chocolates to the bowl then scurries to the bathroom to poop.

While waiting, he kills time scrolling through Weibo, happy that he doesn’t see a new topic about Qi Xingjuan.

Then the page refreshes and the first thing on it is a post from Xiao Zhan three seconds ago. It’s one of the random pregnancy trivias from the book.

Happiness engulfs him. Xiao Zhan posting a pregnancy fact could be his own way of showing Yibo that even though their family’s a secret, he still wants to be a part of it.

And then here comes the witch to ruin his fantasy by commenting a heart emoji under Xiao Zhan’s post, raining on his parade. Now, fans are spamming the comment section thinking Xiao Zhan is talking about having a family with her.

He’s so pissed that he blocks her without thinking just as his poop drops. “That’s right. You’re a piece of shit. I will flush you down to the ends of the earth so we won’t see you ever again. How dare you kiss my Zhan-ge.” He also blocks those fans using her pictures as a profile photo. “I will strangle you.”

Another poop makes a plopping sound when it hits the water and he blocks more CP fans. They’re pieces of shit, too.

His glucose levels are all normal. Yibo lies on the table again for his second ultrasound, as nervous and excited as he was the first time.

“At this stage, you must be having leg or foot cramps recently.”

“Absolutely. I walk for a while and get sore right away. But Zhan-ge is an expert in giving massages so I don’t suffer that much.”

Xiao Zhan shrugs in his seat.

“That’s nice, but make sure to also get lots of calcium by eating cheese and yoghurt. And drink milk. Walking may give you cramps but it’s important to be active too. Now—” Dr. Zhao spreads the gel thinly, “In this ultrasound, it will show if you’re having more than one baby. Since the first was unclear and we only saw a two- millimetre peppercorn, this time it will be bigger and clearer.”

“I really hope it’s just one.”

Dr. Zhao laughs at the actor’s comment. “Tough babysitting job for Uncle Zhan, no?”

Yibo imagines Xiao Zhan grimacing under the mask. He flinches a bit as the transducer smoothly moves over his belly and watches the screen, looking out for another baby that might be hiding behind the still tiny blob and waiting for the right opportunity to give him a scare.

“If you’re not hoping for multiple babies at once, then I have good news for you because there is indeed only one fetus in here. It’s about 3 cm at the moment. And then, hold this for me.” Dr. Zhao hands him some equipment. “It’s called a Doppler. Press the probe on your belly. Let’s see if we can detect your baby’s heartbeat.”

Shakily, Yibo presses its end to his belly bump and holds his breath waiting for a thump to echo. When it comes like a series of frantic beats, he snaps his gaze to Xiao Zhan’s with a gasp, their expressions twinning.

It’s their baby’s heartbeat. Loud and rapid and full of life.

Emotions swarm him, bringing tears to his eyes.

“Is that it…?”

Dr. Zhao smiles, genuinely happy for him. “A normal fetal heart rate lies between 120 to 160 beats per minute, and based on the numbers your baby seems perfectly fine. Usually, an abnormal heart rate which is faster than the usual range may indicate insufficient oxygen or other defects.”

Sniffling, Yibo asks Xiao Zhan to get his phone and record the heartbeat. “I think I’m going to bawl my eyes out.”

“Pregnant parents are usually overwhelmed with emotions when hearing their baby’s heartbeat for the first time. It’s perfectly normal to feel that way.”

Dr. Zhao talks more about his baby’s growth, and instantly misses listening to the life inside of him when he returns the Doppler. At the end of the checkup, they receive the latest sonogram and Yibo discreetly holds the hem of Xiao Zhan’s shirt, whispering.

“They’re going to be really beautiful, aren’t they?”

Though obstructed by the mask, Xiao Zhan’s smile reaches his eyes, and it’s enough for Yibo to hold on to.

**

“Can you please drop me off at my parents’? I want to show them the picture and play the recording of the heartbeat. They might change their minds about the baby.”

Xiao Zhan leads the way to where they parked the rented car. “You haven’t talked to them again?”

The sonogram feels somewhat heavy in Yibo’s pocket. Now that the checkup is done, he feels a new type of nervousness and anxiety. No matter how his parents react today, he’s finally going to tell Xiao Zhan. This will decide whether he’ll have a bigger support system or not.

“Not about that. They talked my ear off about the settlement with Yamaha.” They get in the car and he buckles up without being told, sighing. “But I’m sure once they see the sonogram, they’ll soften up. They’ll love the baby.”

“Of course. What kind of grandparents don’t love their grandkids? Typically, grandparents actually love their grandkids more than their own children. Trust me,” Xiao Zhan drives, taking an alternate route. “Once you give birth, they’ll scramble to borrow our baby and won’t let up for at least a week.”

“…But I’m gonna miss our baby.”

“You’re gonna have to deal with his or her grandparents, then.”

That makes him feel a little more optimistic.

**

They don’t enter the gates anymore. “Will you be back at the apartment tonight?”

Yibo unfastens the belt, palms sweating. “For sure.” He can do this.

“I’ll be busy again, so I’ll give you a call once I have time. Update me, hm?”

A nod, and he stops himself from leaning in to give Xiao Zhan a kiss. They’re not lovers. He doesn’t need to pack the other man a kiss before he leaves for work.

Xiao Zhan waits until Yibo gets inside before driving away. He’s just making a turn to the main road when his phone rings with Qi Xingjuan’s name. She won’t get to fuck with him today so he quickly turns it off. Let her call the studio if she needs something from him.

**

After asking the maids, Yibo heads to the second floor where his father’s private office is.

“Mom, dad,” he greets as he enters, finding the elders in the middle of a work discussion.

His father’s face instantly darkens. “Huh. We already paid for the contract termination, so I thought you don’t have  a reason to see us anymore.”

Wasn’t it him who gave Yibo that impression? “Well, you haven’t taken me off the registry yet.”

“Let’s quit the small talk, Yibo. Why are you here?”

How welcoming of his family. Pocketing his hands to keep them from shaking, he approaches but does not take the seat before his mother, assuming it won’t be appreciated. “I just… I went for an ultrasound checkup.” His mother pointedly looks away, the first sign of today’s rejection. But he doesn’t want to give up so soon. “And since I’m nearing the end of my third month, the baby’s bigger. It has a fully functioning heart now…and the brain’s almost done developing. The doctor said it’ll be making small, jerky movements in my stomach now. Actually, I recorded the heartbeat—would you like to listen?”

They look like they’d rather keep talking about work but Yibo still plays the recording, and also puts the sonogram on his father’s desk. His heart sprints as fast as his baby’s as he listens to it. “It’s quite fast, isn’t it? But that’s the fetus’ normal heartbeat. Any faster or slower than that, then—”

Rather than a coo of an excited grandpa, his father scoffs at the sonogram. “You quit the national racing team for this?” The baby’s heartbeat has nothing against the sound of his father’s disdain. “For a child out of wedlock. Are you really raising it as a single parent?”

That’s what they need to think. “You know that the other parent is basically non-existent.”

“Like I said before, we won’t recognize that kid if you’re not married, Yibo. There’s just going to be too much humiliation for this family, especially for me. My colleagues are all highly respected, with stupendous children earning their diplomas and landing venerable jobs. Being a racer is nothing close to their children’s professions, but at least you had something going on for you. But now, that is gone too and I even paid so much money just so you could keep that child.”

It’s not looking good for him. But the day’s not over yet. He just got here. He’ll try harder. They’ll love his baby. “…If it’s so shameful, then why do other parents have no problem supporting their sons and daughters who are taking care of their children alone?”

“They simply have different values, Yibo,” his mother says irritatedly. “And you have to accept that we have our own.”

And what kind of value is that? To shun children who need their support during a dire situation?

“It’s not my principle—”

“But you are the one begging for us to accept your child.”

His father pushes the sonogram back towards him. “You’re only three months along, so it should still be safe for you to get an abor—”

Yibo rages. If they really don’t want this baby, then he won’t force it anymore. “NO. I’m not going to abort it! If you can’t accept it then it’s fine! I won’t try to convince you again- but I’m not going to give it up.” He snatches the sonogram, makes for the door, until he hears his mother talking to somebody on the phone. “What are you doing?”

His soul leaves his body when he realizes who she’s talking to. A doctor. An abortion clinic. An appointment. Yibo takes big, angry strides towards her, reaching out to rip the phone from her hand but his father holds him back. Tears spill, his heart blown up by grenades. Those grenades being the seconds she spends talking to the doctor, smiling as she tells them he won’t complete his term.

“MOM! PLEASE! I’M NOT GOING TO ABORT MY BABY—”

But his heart-wrenching pleas fall to deaf ears. With a bruising grip on his wrist, his father drags him out of the office and into his old room. “Yibo, it’s for your own good—”

“DAD! CAN’T YOU HEAR YOURSELF?! YOU’RE FORCING ME TO KILL MY CHILD—”

“You asked for this, Yibo! You’ve been so reckless—if you just listened to us, stayed in college and did what we wanted for you, then you wouldn’t be here!”

He snatches his wrist out of the man’s hold and falls  to his knees, begging. The whole mansion must hear his weeping. “Dad, dad—PLEASE, I don’t want to get an abortion. Please, don’t do this. Please listen to me. I love this baby already—”

“How can you love something you got out of an accident? It’s not a fairy tale, Yibo. An accident is tragic. Stay here. You will not go back to your apartment until you see that doctor.”

The sight of his father turning his back on him and walking out of the room steals his last morsel of hope, ties the rope around his neck.

Yibo chokes on his own tears on the floor, screaming as he slams it with his fists, uncaring if he bruises or breaks a finger.

How could they…? How could they do this to him? Their apathy and ruthlessness should have ended with him. His baby is innocent, it hasn’t done them wrong. Why does it have to suffer too? He is willing to raise it alone without their help, be taken off the registry if that’s going to appease them. If it meant keeping his child.

Rushing to the door, he checks the knob and whimpers finding it locked. From the outside. He’d only been left for a minute and his father had managed to do it again. To keep him a prisoner in his own house. They’d done this before when he wanted to go to summer camp back in primary school. Said he didn’t need it, it was a silly activity, that he should just go to cram school. The bus was waiting for him outside, and they told his teachers he was too sick to leave the bed. The truth is he was crying so hard he couldn’t even stand.

He’d told nobody. Not even Xiao Zhan. It was humiliating to be treated like a house dog.

He’d cried when he was finally old enough to move out. He’d never liked this room. Every day after that summer camp fiasco, he woke up fearing the door wouldn’t open.

Yibo sits with the weight of a dead man on his bed, tears unstoppable. He can’t believe he’d greeted this day with a brighter outlook, only for it to do a 180 and be filled with gloom.

He needs to leave.

Terribly trembling, he calls Xiao Zhan. To ask him to turn and go back, pick him up so they can take care of their baby by themselves. They don’t need anyone else. Yibo will be happy with just the three of them.

Xiao Zhan is unreachable. He tries again and again, but the other must have turned off his phone. Desperate to have someone to talk to, he presses on Feiyu’s contact and holds back a sob when the other answers.

“Hey, what’s up? I’m at work—”

“I-is that so? Sorry, I’ll just talk to you later—”

“No, no! It’s fine! I’m just in the backroom anyway. What’s wrong—Are you crying?”

Yibo goes over to the windows, pokes his head out to see if his baby would survive if he jumps out of it. “…I don’t feel so good, Feiyu.” Footsteps resound in the hallways and he quiets down for a bit before continuing. “My parents—they want me to abort the baby. They called a clinic to schedule an appointment.”

There is sudden rustling on the other line, clattering, and a door closing. “What the fuck? Are they for real? Where are you?”

“At the mansion. They locked me up. I don’t know when the appointment will be, but…” His hand on his mouth to muffle a sob. “I don’t know what to do…”

“Fuck—Yibo, they can’t let you do that if you don’t want to!”

But they never listen.

“Fucking demons—don’t come with them. If they drag you out, then tell the doctor that you don’t want to do it. Alright? It’s YOUR baby. You’re the parent. You get to decide.”

With the door locked from the outside and no ladder to climb down from the window, what does his decision actually equate to?

Yibo sits on the floor, back against the wall as he warily watches the door. “But I’m still gonna be locked up in here. They did this before. Wouldn’t let me out until I admitted I was wrong, until I promised to listen.”

“Shit. Do you want me to go there?”

“No—no need. They won’t listen to you. I just…Zhan-ge wouldn’t pick up the phone and I needed o talk to someone or I’d go fucking crazy from fear—”

“He won’t be here. There’s no recording today.”

His Zhan-ge must be occupied by another gig, then. Yibo hugs his knees with an arm and buries his face on it, tears yet to halt. “He was with me this morning for the ultrasound. Wanted to show the sonogram to my parents and let them hear the heartbeat, but….Feiyu, if you heard my baby’s heart you’d fall to your knees and be in love with the sound of it, too.”

The world crumbles mercilessly and Yibo’s hands are slipping off the rail.

“God, I think I was the happiest earlier. I’d give everything up for this. I’d do anything. We’ve only been together for three months but I already love my son—or daughter, whatever it’s gonna be. But will I still find out…?”

“You will. You’ll still go to the doctor and they will tell you if you already need to think of a boy’s name or a girl’s. Try to call Xiao Zhan again. He has to help you talk your parents out of it since they know you’re friends. I wish I could be there, Yibo. I’m so sorry they’re doing this to you.”

He is sorry to his child for letting this get to this point.

Eventually, the call ends. Yibo feels guilty for dropping it on Feiyu when he’s at work, but there was no one else to call. For a long moment he merely sits on the floor, eyeing the old Rubik’s cube as he holds his belly with cold, unsteady hands.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry it’s like this. Your other dad can’t tell the world about you, and your grandparents don’t want you. I’m sorry, okay? You deserve a lot of love. More than what I can give you right now.”

He sends Xiao Zhan a text instead, asking him to call back as soon as possible.

[ Yibo: Zhan-ge, will you please call me? I need you. ]

Half an hour later of sitting almost catatonically on the floor, his phone pings with Xiao Zhan’s reply.

[ Bunny Ge: What happened? I just turned my phone on. ]

[ Yibo: My parents. They’re inexorable. Please call me? ]

[ Bunny Ge: Can’t right now. Talking with the CEO. Don’t worry too much about them. Try again next time, okay? Talk to you later. ]

Yibo, you’re not gonna be alone, alright?

That’s what Xiao Zhan said when Yibo told him he’s pregnant. That he won’t do this alone. That Xiao Zhan will do his best to be present for him.

Reading his message breaks Yibo to even tinier pieces, so miniscule they seem impossible to reassemble. Perhaps it’s not true, after all. Perhaps he’ll always be alone.

“Oh, sure—but I’ll just text you the brand name? I really forgot. I’ll look it up in my history.”

Xiao Zhan then tells Jinhai he has to talk to someone and goes to the comfort room, the noises as the production staff break down props deaden when he closes the door.

When Yibo still doesn’t answer after the 15^th ring, he ends the call. He opens their WeChat thread and sees that his messages are not even read.

[ Zhan: Sorry for not picking up, but I have time now ]

[ Zhan: Did you talk to them again? ]

[ Zhan: Bo-di? ]

A day has gone by. He’s been trying to call back but not a single one goes through. Maybe Yibo’s phone is broken. He wouldn’t purposely ignore Xiao Zhan, would he?

Xiao Zhan considers that and doesn’t rule out the possibility that Yibo might not be in the mood to talk. His hormones are doing a number on him. And if Yibo’s parents are adamant on—

Come to think of it, Xiao Zhan doesn’t really know what the elder Wangs are exactly against. If Yibo had already told them that he doesn’t know who the other father is, what else could be their problem? Of Yibo raising it alone? They don’t want to pay for his checkups after the settlement with Yamaha? But Yibo has his trust fund. They don’t need to worry about the money.

He looks up from his phone as Feiyu enters, hands covered in paint. The intern drops the stare to use the sink, jaw tight. Xiao Zhan remembers their encounter at the resto-bar’s parking lot and wonders if Yibo has talked to him. The thought irritates him a bit before he swallows his pride, hesitantly walking up to the other.

“Have you talked to Yibo recently?”

“How recent?”

“…This morning. Or last night. Or yesterday.”

Feiyu frowns, looking at him in the mirror. “Is he not talking to you?”

“He doesn’t reply to my texts or answer my calls. Since…you know about our situation, he might confide in you about things—”

“Things that he is somehow more comfortable telling me instead of you, the father of his child?”

He glances at the door, fist clenching. “Please lower your voice.”

Feiyu’s mouth twitches. “Have you tried coming to his apartment?”

“I came home late last night so I didn’t bother. And he only asked me to call but he’s not picking up—”

Xiao Zhan stumbles backwards, groaning as he clutches the side of his face. He checks if there’s blood and finds none, before glowering at Feiyu. “What the fuck was that punch for?!”

“You don’t deserve him, you know that?” Feiyu shakes the pain out of his hand. “He tried to call you first, didn’t he? He must have told you he needed you, but there the fuck you are, clueless with the IQ of a dolphin. Do you think you do enough for him? Ask yourself. I bet I can do so much more—”

He shoves Feiyu against the wall, fist on air. The other smirks as the punch doesn’t land.

“You can’t, can you? You’re the top star with a clean image. Superb talent, good looks, gentle nature, got a pretty pretend girlfriend that rubs the dirt off of you. If I come out here with a split lip, your fans will shield you and think I slammed my head on the sink even if there’s blood on your knuckles. It’s just unbelievable.”

Xiao Zhan drops his hand, chest heaving with the effort to keep himself from beating the other up. “What did Yibo tell you.”

“He’s at his parents’. Waiting for his appointment to get an abortion.”

….What?

“Oh, you didn’t know your child is about to be forcibly taken away because his parents cannot accept it? You had to hear it from me because Yibo knows he can’t rely on you.”

Feiyu turns for the door, gripping the knob as he looks back at Xiao Zhan over his shoulder. “You know, I’m not your fan but I admit you were amazing. Until this. If you wanna get me fired, then thank you. Because I don’t think I can still stomach seeing you here. Also, you better leave now before the bruise forms if you wanna see him.”

Fuck the bruise. And fuck Chen Feiyu. Panic paralyzes him as he thinks about his child being aborted. He had no idea it was that bad between Yibo and his parents. Why didn’t Yibo just tell him the first time?

Xiao Zhan texts Yibo telling the younger man he’ll be coming over, and informs Liang that he has somewhere to be.

“Should I drive you there?”

“No, just please take me home and I’ll rent a car.”

Liang stares at him for a few seconds and nods, then he bids goodbye to the staff before following his manager out.

**

Xiao Zhan winces as he flexes his jaw. The bruise is not so obvious /yet/, but it still stings. He keeps himself from grimacing as he puts on a smile approaching Yibo’s mother in the living room. “Mrs. Wang.”

“Xiao Zhan! What a surprise!” She gives him a hug and pulls away with a radiant smile, overjoyed to see him. “It’s been a while, right? You’re such an in-demand actor now; you barely come to see us!”

“There are so many projects lined up for me so I don’t have much free time, but I thought I should visit Yibo today. Found out he was here. We don’t talk a lot.”

Though she does her best to not show it, he sees the quick unfurling of contempt on her face. “You know, I really wonder why that son of mine didn’t take after you. If he did, he wouldn’t be like this—made of disappointments. We gave him everything but can’t even make us a little proud. Well, he’s in his room.” she sighs and briefly looks towards the staircase. “My husband just left for work. It’s a shame you didn’t catch him. Also, Yibo may be a little…sensitive. It’s honestly upsetting. Come down quickly, okay? We should catch up.”

Xiao Zhan then heads to the second floor, wondering if Yibo’s in his old room. A chill shoots up his spine when he sees a padlock around the knob and the short, metal bar on the wall.

Was this bar installed for the sole purpose of this, of keeping Yibo in his room? He’d been so curious about it before but Yibo said he didn’t know either.  It looks incongruent with everything around it.

Using the key still inserted in the lock, Xiao Zhan unlatches it and leaves it on the floor, feeling uncomfortable taking it with him inside. His stomach churns at the notion that this is not the first time Yibo’s been detained.

“Yibo… It’s me. I don’t know if you got my text but I want to talk and I won’t leave until we do. May I come in?”

No response. It’s only past 10 so Yibo might be asleep—

He hears a thud from inside the room and asks Yibo again if he could come in. Xiao Zhan tries the knob, and pushes the door open for a bit.

Yibo’s picking up the fallen Rubik’s cube. When he sits down in bed facing him, Xiao Zhan notices the dark circles under his eyes and his swollen lids. He steps in and gently closes the door but Yibo only keeps playing with the cube.

“Yibo, I…I couldn’t reach you so I asked Feiyu if he knew anything, and he told me what your parents did. Is…is the baby still there?” Stomachs don’t flatten right away after birth, even after a miscarriage. He’s scared to hear the answer, gaze pinned on Yibo’s middle. “I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you. I thought…I thought they were just not happy you didn’t have a partner. I had no idea it was like this.”

“You knew how they treated me after the crash, and you expected them to  somehow be kinder hearing about my sudden pregnancy? If you had known, what would you have done?” Yibo turns the sides of the cube over and over, trying to complete two colors at once. “Talk them out of it? Who are you to convince them? It’s not like you could tell them you’re the father.”

“Then what are you gonna do, let them abort it? You were excited when you heard the heartbeat. I could tell how much you adore this baby. Why don’t you tell them you don’t want to?”

The younger man scoffs, the corner of his mouth curled up in disdain. “You think I didn’t do that? My first instinct was to tear the phone out of my mother’s hand and cancel the appointment. I screamed at the top of my lungs begging them to not do this to me, but no matter how much I told them this child is my life now, they are adamant in killing the both of us.”

Xiao Zhan shakes his head. He doesn’t want to hear such words from Yibo. “Right now, you don’t look like you want to fight for—”

The toy is tossed behind Yibo and knocks the lampshade off the nightstand. Yibo doesn’t bother righting it as he looks at Xiao Zhan blankly. “They are ashamed of me because I’m having a baby without getting married first. Because I can’t find the man who put this child in me, much less give them a name.”

“…You should’ve told me sooner. I know I can’t tell them it’s me but I could’ve tried convincing them before that you’d be fine, to let you keep the baby. Why did you ignore me? If I knew, I would’ve come—”

“You ignored me first.”

Xiao Zhan huffs in disbelief. “What. So you wanna call it quits? Yibo, they want you to abort the baby. Do you understand what that—”

“Stop being a broken record, Zhan-ge. I know that. They told me a hundred times and I’m here to wait for the appointment in two days. It’s in my head every second of the day. Look at me. Can you tell that I didn’t even sleep? Have some compassion and stop reminding me.”

He leans against the wall, arms crossed as he stares at Yibo.

“And don’t put this all on me. I told you I needed you but you went and assumed it’s not a big deal. Haven’t you learned your lesson when I called you before because I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant? You knew it was urgent. I know that ‘I need you’ sounded urgent. But you didn’t want to waste more time on me. I didn’t reply because what’s the point? You don’t have a valid excuse to drop that meeting. You have issues with lying to your superiors but you have no problem lying to your fans about who you really are.” Yibo sighs, the first hint of emotion from him as he fixes the lampshade. “You know what, Zhan-ge? I’m starting to think you’re never going to fully commit to this.”

Xiao Zhan combs a hand through his hair and sits on the edge of the bed, chest burning as Yibo scoots far from him. “Me being stuck at work doesn’t mean I don’t want to take responsibility. You’re right…I don’t wanna lie any more than I already do, but Yibo…I’m not just a simple office worker who could easily file a leave. You won’t abort the baby, okay? If I have to, I’ll call the clinic myself and just sign an NDA. You’re an adult, and if there’s no consent from you then they can’t force it. Your parents know that. They’re just taunting you.”

The younger man tilts his head, regarding him with defiance. “Just taunting me? As if this is a simple matter. Zhan-ge, you know that…should I decide to abort the baby, you really can’t do anything about it, right? You’re deciding everything again. It’s my body, so it’s my decision.”

“Yet you can’t stand your ground against your parents?” Xiao Zhan watches the other play with the Rubik’s cube again. He loves Yibo so much, but he’s frustrated too. “You don’t want to abort the baby. You’re doing to me what they’re doing to you, and I’m here to tell them to cancel that appointment.”

Yibo finally completes the two colors before looking at him again. “What happened to your cheek?”

Has the bruise gotten worse? Xiao Zhan looks at it in the mirror but it looks like it can pass off as the result of constant scratching. “Feiyu punched me.”

“Hm. You earned it.”

Annoyance flares up his head. “I’ll talk to your mom now. Would you like me to stay for a bit?”

His way of asking when Yibo doesn’t need questions, and deciding when Yibo wants his opinion to be considered first is something that the younger has learned to abhor.

“I actually want to be alone right now. Are you really…will you really be able to convince them to not make me go?”

“I’ll do my best. If you’re not leaving yet, please don’t skip your meals. You’re so pale. Please think of the baby.” Xiao Zhan stops at the doorway. “…Have they done this before?”

Yibo sees the padlock on the floor and shakes his head. “Don’t lock it when you leave…”

Everything in Xiao Zhan squeezes painfully realizing the outright lie. He watches Yibo shortly, then heads downstairs with an apologetic smile.

“Mrs. Wang, I’m sorry I can’t stay for long since my boss asked me to come back so we might have to talk some other time.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I was looking forward to hearing about what you’ve been doing nowadays. Well, aside from what’s on the news.”

“But I want to say something about Yibo.”

She puts down her tea, expression somber. “Did he tell you already?”

I’ve known since he told me he’s pregnant with my child. “Mrs. Wang, Yibo is already 21. If he doesn’t want to get an abortion, I’m afraid that it’s out of your control. The doctor will take his decision over yours, unless there is some complication that puts his life at risk. From what he said…the baby is fine.”

“So you don’t think it’s shameful of him to bring an illegitimate child into our family?”

“Every child has the right to be cared for, Mrs. Wang. Even if it was born out of wedlock. It’s still a life that deserves to grow into this world and experience the beauty of it.”

Disappointed that he’s not siding with her, she huffs and turns away.

“If you…if you believe Yibo should’ve looked up to me, then please consider my thoughts. Please cancel the appointment. What he needs right now is your support. Please give this baby a chance, Mrs. Wang. Yibo is a good man and he’ll surely be an amazing parent. You have nothing to worry about.”

“If only we know who the other parent is, then we could just quickly marry them off and then we’d be out of his hair. We don’t care if the man is not as well off as long as Yibo is married.”

Marrying Yibo is something he wishes to do, but not anytime soon. He’s not ready. They’re not even together. “Please talk to your son sincerely, Mrs. Wang. He’ll appreciate it. Also—” he swallows the lump in his throat as he glances up the stairs. “Don’t you think it’s heartless to lock him up like that? He’s not a pet that you can just cage when it doesn’t want to be trained.”

Xiao Zhan can’t tell if the look on her face is of anger or the dawning realization of what she put her son through, but he’s already walking out of the mansion, getting into the car and driving away, glimpsing in the rear-view mirror the window to Yibo’s room.

He wants to commit himself to this. Why wouldn’t he? He’s got a child with Wang Yibo. The world may not know what that means to him, but his heart does. He’s just struggling to move, a little stuck in the middle. But the road won’t be narrow forever.

Yibo can’t wrap his head around the fact that his parents indeed cancelled the appointment with the abortion clinic after Xiao Zhan talked to his mother once. He was relieved to hear the news when she went to his room yesterday, shortly after Xiao Zhan left, but doesn’t exactly know what to feel realizing Xiao Zhan is more worthy of their understanding.

He can’t imagine what they’ll do once they find out they don’t even need to organize a search party for the other parent of his baby because the man’s face and name are literally everywhere.

“I’m leaving,” he says as he enters the kitchen where his parents are currently having their breakfast, and rummages through the fridge.

“Your mother cancelling the appointment doesn’t mean we approve of this child already.”

“I know that. I’m no longer expecting you to. If you hate me, then I hate myself more for even letting you hear my baby’s heartbeat. Why don’t you just finally take me off the official documents? All these bark and no bite,” he grabs a chocolate and turns to them, “I’m becoming desensitized.”

His mother gives him a once over. “You wouldn’t want to be disowned. How will you be able to sustain your hobbies? All the money in your account will go to the child since you don’t have a partner. Can you get a decent job as a high school graduate?”

“Have you forgotten I got a million Yuan from winning ARRC? If you stop the allowance, I will sell the bikes since they’re useless to me now. I can move into a cheaper apartment too.”

“Then where will you put your collections?”

“You don’t really want to know, do you?”

Respect begets respect. He won’t bow down to his parents just because they fed him and housed him. That’s their responsibility for bringing him into this world. If they can’t treat him like a decent human being, then they don’t deserve Yibo’s civility.

“You wouldn’t survive without making us pay for the childcare, Yibo.”

“Trust me, dad. I’m going to live just fine. Now whose Cadbury Wispa Gold is this?”

“Your father’s. You know I don’t eat much sweets.”

“Cool,” he takes two more bars as revenge. Each costs approximately $1,600 and his father will certainly be irritated that thousands of dollars just went to his wayward son again.

Without so much as a wave he leaves, getting in a cab he had booked earlier. The chocolate tastes incredible as it should but the awful taste of yesterday tries to overpower it.

He feels significantly better now, but Xiao Zhan’s reasoning is getting more and more obnoxious. He’s in too deep in this unrequited love though, so if Xiao Zhan apologizes again, another chance is ready to be given. They are going to have a child together and Yibo wishes for them to get along because he wouldn’t want his baby to grow up wondering why their other parent didn’t love them enough to stay. 

Moreover, he’s got a nasty temper but he can never stay mad at Xiao Zhan. Yibo has been loving him since he knew what love is, and it’s hard to unlearn things he swore to do his whole life.

He puts a hand over his tiny bump, glad that the baby’s doing fine even though he’s so stressed. One of the books said a certain amount of stress is good for the baby and has been proven to contribute in making an intelligent child.

Surely, he’ll give birth to a genius.

Arriving at the condominium, Yibo pays the fare in cash. “Um, sir, do you want chocolates?” At the driver’s confusion, he chuckles and pushes two of the exorbitant bars. “Eat it or sell it. Don’t wanna have diabetes when I’m pregnant. It costs 1.6 grand each, by the way.”

Taking the elevator up to his floor, he munches on the chocolate thinking of how he’s going to get through another uneventful day.

Though it doesn’t look like it’ll be totally boring seeing as a woman stands right outside his door.

He’d seen way too many photos of Qi Xingjuan to not recognize her even with that gigantic hat. Having heard of her stalking tendencies, he doesn’t wonder how she’d found his address.

Hopefully that’s all she knows about him.

Yibo zips up his jacket and doesn’t say anything as she faces him. He keys his door and gets in, expecting her to follow without being invited. “If you knew where I lived, you should’ve had my number too. Call me first to ask if I’m home. Would you have waited all day?”

He hates the way she’s looking around his place, quietly scrutinizing it. “I just arrived. I would’ve given it 10 minutes before leaving.”

“Far too generous for some ex-racer with no name.”

“I know you’re friends with Xiao Zhan.”

“How?”

“He talks to Liang about you.”

Yibo leans against the kitchen island, toying with the drawstrings of his jacket. “To what do I owe your visit?”

Even as she stands at the center of the living room, he clearly sees the moment her gaze drops to his stomach. He doesn’t cover it with his arm. It may come off as defensive, and he’s not sure if she’s suspecting anything.

“You only have a few photos on the internet and you’ve got a helmet on in most of them, but there’s one that you didn’t when you stood on the podium to receive a trophy. You’re more handsome in person.”

“Good looking enough to be friends with your on-screen boyfriend?”

“…So he told you about the contract. Which seems like a fragment of imagination since we’re seriously dating now.”

Yibo pinches the drawstring. “Says who?”

Qi Xingjuan takes a seat on the couch, her purse on her lap. “As a friend, you must want the best for him, don’t you? And Xiao Zhan is happy when we’re together. You’ve seen us at the resto-bar, and I’m sorry you had to witness that. He just missed me so much he couldn’t help himself. He would’ve had more self-control but you take away his time that’s supposed to be given to me. Wang Yibo, would you be so kind as to leave him be for a while?” She smiles sweetly. “You have…four years of gap, right?”

“And you are seven years older than me so I don’t know what you’re getting on.”

“You have different interests than him so I don’t think your friendship requires you to communicate frequently. Xiao Zhan is older, busier, and he shouldn’t be indulging you on a whim when you want him to. He has his own life.”

He keeps the anger at bay, sitting on a stool and nibbling on the slightly melting chocolate. “Since you’re so much older than me, then I assume you know the concept of friendship. It’s not about the age or the amount of time you have for each other. If you have such a connection, you’ll gravitate towards each other naturally. If you truly understand him, my existence shouldn’t bother you. Zhan-ge and I are friends. I knew him far longer and better than you. You can’t tell me to stop seeing him just because you don’t like me.”

Superficially she looks harmless, but Yibo smells the rust all the way from where she sits, especially as her eyes travel to his helmet collection.

Good thing he already removed the sonogram there. Only Xiao Zhan’s candid polaroid is still taped to one of his collectibles.  

“That’s such a charming shot. As if it was taken from the perspective of somebody who views him through romantic lenses. Do you have a lover?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Perhaps, you’re in love with him?”

Yibo feels as though he’s trapped inside a room slowly being swallowed by frigid fire. “…If you know he’s gay and his male friend is in love with him, and said male friend has more chances than you’ll ever have, why haven’t you fucked off yet?”

“Because I’m the one people are rooting for and you’re the extra who will get tidbits of him that he won’t let me have. Wang Yibo, all I’m asking is for you to stop stealing his attention. Or else I’d have to do something really unfortunate.”

“What, slit your wrist in front of us? Which classic  villain are you going to pull? You’re a psychopath.”

“Despite that, everybody loves me and Xiao Zhan. You can’t have him anyway, so stop being difficult. With you, Xiao Zhan is not going to receive as much love as he does with me.”

He crumples the wrapper and tosses it in the sink, chewing. “And that’s not my fault. This whole fucking country is homophobic for no reason. Alright, go put a collar on him. I’ll watch you try. What else are you gonna do, stick a silicone dick on your forehead hoping he mistakes you for a man?”

Xingjuan’s casual countenance begins dwindling, spurring satisfaction in Yibo.

“He’s always been gay. Even the risk of those rumors exposing him can’t straighten him out. Bet you don’t know a man shared his bed more or less eight months ago. He told me. Organized an after-crash party for me and there was lube in his room.”

He’s tempted to say that Xiao Zhan also fucked him in the same bed, but some things are better left unsaid. If she knew, she would have already said something, right?

She must not have known that seeing how fast her cool disappears, the grip on her purse borderline ferocious.

“I will not push him towards you. And if he has to choose between the two of us, he won’t even spare you a second glance.”

“…If you think he’d choose you over me, then why didn’t he date you? You’re not one of those men he was caught with, are you?”

Smirking, Yibo gets off his seat and walks towards the helmets, ripping off the polaroid. “It’s a fact. Take this if you want. Stare at it ‘til you realize you don’t have a single bullet in this fight. Has he ever smiled around you like this without a script to follow? He already has a woman hanging off his arm every other day of the week and still, he chose to stick it in another man? How much of a failure are you?”

“…I wouldn’t call myself a failure. After all, I’m the one he let the world see him with.” Qi Xingjuan stands, adjusting her hat. “That’s all I want to tell you.”

“What now? You know I’m in love with him.”

“Nothing. I know you might think I’m crazy, but I’m just someone who’s fallen in love too and wants to keep that special person with her. I care about him. Probably even more than you do. I don’t care about your feelings. That has nothing to do with me. And I wouldn’t make the mistake of telling him about it.”

“Because you know he might reciprocate?”

If looks could kill, Yibo would be six feet under now. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you, Wang Yibo.”

Yibo still smells the irritating scent of her perfume even when she leaves so he grabs the bottle of air freshener in his room and furiously sprays it around the whole apartment, even the bathroom. Then he tosses it on the couch, scoffing as it bounces off and rolls to the floor.

“Fucking roach. I seriously want to know where she fucking gets the courage.”

He drags the skateboard back and forth on the floor with his socked feet as he sits on the couch balancing an open pack of sour and sweetened gummies on his thigh. It’s been a while since he rode down the sidewalks and this is the most he can do while pregnant. Good thing that the Legos are playable all-year round. There’s still something about his life that hasn’t changed.

Xiao Zhan updates him throughout the week of what he’s been up to, texting Yibo in the morning his day’s itinerary. Yibo wonders if it’s to reassure him of what he does while they’re apart, or if it’s to keep Yibo from complaining if something goes down and he can’t be there again. The latter sounds more plausible to him, but Yibo isn’t comfortable thinking of Xiao Zhan that lowly. At the end of the day, it’s only Xiao Zhan who knows his own intentions, and it’s actually nice to know what he does specifically on the daily. Like Yibo’s with him mentally.

But he doesn’t respond. Not with the same effort anyway. An emoji or a single sentence is good. Xiao Zhan had apologized for how he reacted last time. That, among many others, is a message Yibo didn’t bother replying to.

“Only the oldies are obsessed with old-fashioned dramas like that,” he comments about the show that has got Feiyu watching like it has the answers to the mysteries of the universe. “I thought society has moved past plots like that? Mistresses who are more arrogant than the legal wife, really? Don’t we have amazing series like Grey’s Anatomy?”

Feiyu irritatedly shushes him, not taking his eyes off the TV. “If this ain’t your cup of tea, no need to insult it. Some of us actually love shows like this.”

“And it’s very weird. Change that.” Yibo frowns as the two leads continue to argue. He’s never tuned in to this drama before because of the overrated storyline but based on what Feiyu’s rambling about, the male lead’s character is a classic insensitive asshole who is hot and loves to give mixed signals and the female character has too much forgiveness in her body. “What a martyr.”

“And quite familiar, I must say.”

He didn’t tell Feiyu off for punching Xiao Zhan even if Yibo wouldn’t’ve recommended that. He can deal with Xiao Zhan just fine. But he couldn’t also have kept Feiyu from doing it.

Still he kicks his friend on the back for that indirect mockery because he needs an outlet for all the shit his hormones subject him to. Feiyu’s melodramatic screeching won’t make him feel guilty.

When the drama finishes at exactly 9:30pm, Yibo lies down in relief and hangs a gummy worm over his open mouth, trying to catch it with his teeth. So far he has almost choked more times than normal. Even his reflex is affected by the pregnancy.

Feiyu turns to his phone while advertisements play before the next show. “These dramas should be two hours long, and have 50 episodes like the popular danmeis nowadays. Do you know that one where the grand—what the fuck…?”

“What, did you get spoiled? What plot theory are you going to try to discuss with me next? I’m not in the mood to—” Yibo yelps as Feiyu shoves the phone to his face, then jolts upright when he reads the currently trending topic on Weibo.

Qi Xingjuan Engaged?

He stops breathing.

The actress has posted a picture of her hand and the focus is obviously the beautiful band on her ring finger. Yibo immediately scrolls through the comments but doesn’t see anything from Xiao Zhan. Even his profile is barren of recent posts, the last being his Molsion endorsement a month ago.

It’s been trending for 30 minutes since the picture was posted. No caption, but Yibo knows exactly of the fire Qi Xingjuan is inciting.

She’s getting married. To Xiao Zhan.

To the other father of his baby.

Yibo clicks on the audio she has included, and feels himself fall apart even more.

‘It’s nice to have a big family, right? Me too, I want to have that in the future. Would three children be perfect? Or five.’

‘We’re both too busy right now, and it’s still too early. Let’s just wait for what the future has in store.’

‘Exactly. There’s still a lot of time so we don’t want to rush, but I think it will lead there eventually.’

“Is that real…”

“It can’t be,” he says, hands and voice trembling. “It can’t be—”

Hurt, betrayal, astonishment, and anger clap him on the back simultaneously. Is this what she meant to do when he refused to let her have Xiao Zhan?

Yibo covers his mouth, holding himself back from vomiting as his throat constricts and his eyes burn. This can’t be. Xiao Zhan said nothing. He must not have been informed that Qi Xingjuan is going to do this. He wouldn’t be so heartless to allow it to happen, right? When he’s already going to have a child with Yibo? Even if it’s fake, Xiao Zhan wouldn’t be so cruel to fool the world into thinking he wishes for a family with her just to maintain his own perfection…right?

Simply assuming won’t reassure Yibo. He has to clarify this. He’s done. He’s done taking all the pain in the background while they live comfortably. Xiao Zhan has to finally do something about that bitch.

Returning the phone to his friend, he leaves the couch to frantically take a jacket and put his shoes on.

Feiyu follows him to the door. “Where are you going?”

“Please stay here. I just need to talk to Zhan-ge.”

“I’ll go with you—”

“No need,” he ignores the other’s worry. “This has to be just between him and I. I’ll be quick.” There’s clear uncertainty in Feiyu’s eyes but he’d really like to do this alone. So he heads out and flags down a cab, holding his breath again when he receives a text from Xiao Zhan.

[ Bunny Ge: Did you see it? Yibo, don’t mind it. I didn’t know. ]

[ Yibo: We need to talk, Zhan-ge. Don’t go anywhere. If you leave, I’ll kill you. ]

Xiao Zhan has seen his message but doesn’t reply.

Yibo urges the driver to speed up a bit because if he doesn’t talk to Xiao Zhan as soon as possible, he’s going to have a meltdown.

It takes him 40 minutes to get there, and Yibo tells the driver to pull over when he sees Xiao Zhan’s car about to drive out the gates. He doesn’t bother getting his change as he gets off, crosses the road and stands before the car, unflinching as it stops an inch from hitting him.

The window rolls down and Xiao Zhan looks at him in disbelief. “Are you kidding me—”

“I told you I’ll kill you if you left, didn’t I?” Yibo glares at the security hard enough ‘til the latter looks away to pretend he doesn’t hear anything, then cocks his head at Xiao Zhan. “Get out of the car. We’ll talk.”

“…Alright, but not here—”

“We won’t go to your flat. We have to talk somewhere I’ll have equal control. Park the car.”

As soon as Xiao Zhan approaches him after leaving the car to the guard’s care, Yibo turns and briskly walks down the street with no specific location in mind. He lets his feet lead the way as his mind overheats.

Qi Xingjuan wearing a ring. Her and Xiao Zhan talking about children. Yibo bites his lip as he hugs his stomach.

Xiao Zhan is on thin fucking ice.

They’ve just turned another block when Xiao Zhan finally speaks. “I was about to go to the office to tell them I had no idea about that—”

“Stop it. Put a fucking stop it, Zhan-ge. It’s long overdue.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for, okay. To ask them to make Qi Xingjuan take it back and say she was just drunk posting, that there’s no marriage happening—”

Yibo abruptly turns, eyes narrowing as he looks at Xiao Zhan’s mask. “And what the fuck was that audio?”

Xiao Zhan lets a curse slip as he looks around the empty street. “She suddenly brought it up at the party. At the resto-bar. She was asking the director and found a way to make it about us. What was I supposed to do, turn her down right there in front of everybody? That was the most polite I could say in place of a No. I didn’t know she recorded it, Yibo. I’ll tell them to—”

“What I want is for you to end the contract with her, Zhan-ge, not just her taking the post down. You need to end this with once and for all. She’s not doing you any good anymore! You know what she’s doing? She’s taking advantage of you because she knows you can’t push her away! And it irks me to keep watching you both be the perfect couple for the whole nation to root for while I’m there—”

He holds up a hand to keep Xiao Zhan from talking as he tries desperately to keep the tears down. But Yibo knows. He knows. He won’t make it ‘til the end without the tracks down his face.

“While I’m there at home alone being miserable because my friend, my supposed partner in this damn pregnancy cannot be with me all the time.”

“Yibo—”

“I’m already trying to understand you better with the whole keeping your career intact thing, Zhan-ge. But I draw the line at everyone thinking you will make a family with her when you’re already going to have one with me.” Yibo angrily tugs his mask down. “You will go there and end the contract with her, whatever it takes. Pay them, I don’t care. You have so much fucking money it has to go somewhere—”

“I tried, okay?” Xiao Zhan sighs exasperatedly, clutching a handful of his hair. “I asked the CEO to terminate it but she didn’t listen.”

“Then you didn’t try hard enough.”

When Xiao Zhan stays silent, Yibo huffs in disbelief. “Don’t tell me you can’t do it.”

“…Ms. Liu has  a point. I don’t know if you visit community forums but the antis never really forgot the rumors. They always pull it up to create drama. If I ‘break up’ with Qi Xingjuan all of a sudden it’s gonna be strange.”

“The rumors don’t disappear because they’re fucking true.” Yibo blinks in hopes of holding it back, but a tear betrays him, and another. He’s full of heartbreak, he can’t take any more. He’s swollen with pain, he’s going to burst if this once again ends with him being the only one to compromise.

“What’s strange is you not admitting that you need Qi Xingjuan to keep your perfect, ideal man persona because you can’t allow people to stop loving you. Because you’re selfish and you only think about yourself. Let’s be real, Zhan-ge. Ever since I broke the pregnancy news, what was the first thing you did? Tell me you can’t break up with Qi Xingjuan and announce the pregnancy because you will lose your job. You didn’t even ask me what I wanted. But I agreed to stay hidden because you made it very clear, time and time again, that there’s no other option. You’re selfish, Zhan-ge. Just tell me that. That’s why you can’t cut ties with her.”

Xiao Zhan blinks a few times, staring. “…So—if you knew I’m selfish, let’s call it that then, why do you still insist I leave Qi Xingjuan?”

Why, he was asked. Why, as if it never occurred to Xiao Zhan that Yibo is willing to endure this all because of love.

Surprise and pure bafflement laces his tone as he looks at Xiao Zhan through a film of tears.

Yibo has no energy left in him to hide it all.

“Why? You’re asking me why? You’ve never noticed? Jesus—you never really did.” He chuckles emptily, tear tracks blown cold by the wind. “Zhan-ge, I love you. I’m profoundly, maddeningly in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since I knew what love meant. I’ve been in love with you since then and never knew how to love someone else because the day I realized it, I knew you’re the only one for me. You’re it for me.”

“So I fucking hate it,” he continues as Xiao Zhan gapes, “that I gave you my first time just because we were drunk, and I got pregnant out of a mistake, and I had sex with you again just because I told you it was your job to take care of me. We were so alike that way, Zhan-ge. I never knew if you wanted all that. And I’m sorry, but we’re here now, and you have to meet me halfway. I’m not asking you to be mine. I’m asking you to put a little more effort into this.”

As though he’d de-aged, Xiao Zhan fishes for words as he utters broken syllables, looking at Yibo as though that confession slapped him right across the face. “…You’re in love with me.”

“How can I not be?”

“But…But Feiyu—”

Annoyance paints itself on Yibo’s features. “He’s just a friend. He likes me, yes, but I turned him down because he’s not you. Now and forever it’ll just be you. Everywhere I look, whatever I think about, you consume me. No matter how long I live, no matter how many lives I live, it will just be you. And even so—even though I want more from you, I resigned myself to just being happy that we have this even if you won’t look at me the way you looked at all those men.”

It’s Xiao Zhan’s turn to look at him like he’s talking in a foreign language. “Really? Then you don’t know me as well as you think you do. Those men—I dated them because I was trying to forget you. I had these intense feelings but I couldn’t act on them and I was afraid to ruin what we have so I locked them all in. I—Yibo, I never loved them. It has—it has always been you—”

Yibo smiles as he looks away, wiping his tears. His Zhan-ge is actually in love with him. They’ve been loving each other in silence all these years. He’d been a fool to think Xiao Zhan will never love him back. He’d been a fool to think Xiao Zhan had made love to him out of nothing at all.

But why isn’t he happy? Why doesn’t his heart beat like he thought it would just like how he imagined it to if Xiao Zhan returned his feelings? Rather than on cloud nine, he’s drowning under the sea.

Reality is truly different from faultless daydreams.

“If you love me, then how could you treat me like this? This is not how you love, Zhan-ge. This is complacency because you know I’d take whatever you give because I have no other choice anyway. I’m pregnant already, so what am I supposed to do? If you love me, then why can’t you do this one little thing for me and keep me from being envious of what you and Qi Xingjuan have?”

“We have nothing, Yibo. What we have is a piece of paper. And I love you, alright, please don’t question that. But if you love me too then please understand that what you’re asking for might do more harm than good.”

Ruthless. Xiao Zhan is ruthless with his inability to listen and realize that Yibo is just human. He’s not limitless, he’s not invincible.

He’s just as prone to surrender.

Yibo closes his eyes, the tears following a wet trail down. Then angrily, he shoots one last look at the other before walking back to where they’d come from, thoughts all over the place.

This is not the Xiao Zhan he knew. The Xiao Zhan he met at the function was kind and generous. The Xiao Zhan he fell in love with was tender and considerate.

They have grown apart without noticing it.

In his anger, Yibo doesn’t notice an incoming vehicle.

“Yibo!”

He is harshly yanked back by his jacket and a second later the van drives by. If Xiao Zhan were a moment later, Yibo would be getting into another crash, and his life wouldn’t be the only one to be taken away.

“Can’t you watch where you’re going?!”

Shoving Xiao Zhan’s arm off of him, Yibo takes a few steps back. “Where I’m going? I’m going nowhere with you! Nowhere with you always trying to hide, wearing this stupid disguise while I can’t fucking hide how fucking pregnant I am! Take that off,” he gestures to the other’s mask. “Take your mask off. Let the world see who you really are.”

Xiao Zhan reaches for him. “Yibo, don’t be silly—”

Fury switches on, and his hands shoot out to claw at Xiao Zhan’s face trying to rip his mask off. “Take it off! Let them see!” He sobs indignantly, exhausted and vulnerable. “Take it off, Zhan-ge! Stop hiding!”

A gasp, as Xiao Zhan swats his hands away. “Stop it, Yibo! What’s gotten into you?! Quit being unreasonable!”

“Unreasonable…?” Yibo casts a brief glance to his stomach, then at Xiao Zhan. “I gave up on my dreams for this. I suffer from my own parents’ control for this. For you. And here you are, comfortable in your own kingdom, still expecting me to be the one to understand when I’m already doing the most for you. Changing my own world for you. I’m carrying your child, Zhan-ge…” His teeth chatter from how hard he’s trembling. “And you call me unreasonable…? Do you understand what this is doing to me? My own dreams, my own comfort—they’re all ruined. You ruined it.”

He takes off again, sick of this never ending cycle.

Footsteps follow him. “Yibo—”

“Don’t follow me!” He stabs Xiao Zhan with the blade in his eyes. “You ruined my life. Fuck off.”

Clutching his belly as he gets away, Yibo shuts off his thoughts, uncaring if somebody thinks he’s deranged for sobbing in public.

He doesn’t care anymore. He’s worn out, he’s reached the limit of his patience.

He’d heard someone say that it’s amazing how one’s life freezes at one point and that becomes the optimal part of a person’s history. One’s defining glory. And as he walks away without the sound of those footsteps tailing him, without that familiar voice calling his name, begging him not to go, he feels his life freeze right there and then.

At a point of near breaking beyond repair. And he’s afraid to be stranded here, afraid that if one opens a book to learn about him, all they’d read is his pain.

He has sailed on a rift through the sea only to end up on a barren island that will never touch the sun.

Oh how Yibo wishes he could start over again, wake up to a life where he doesn’t know what love is.

His boss has been calling but he answers it with another swig of beer, then a blank stare until the phone stops ringing. He’d wanted to go but now he doesn’t think he’s in the right state to talk to the CEO. But he can’t turn off his phone too in case Yibo might call and if he misses it again, he’ll be the one to stand in front of an incoming vehicle.

Unreasonable, he’d thrown such a word towards Yibo. He winces everytime he hears his own voice in his head, everytime it’s followed by the agony rippling on Yibo’s features.

To suspend his disbelief is impossible. He’d been so odious it’s off-putting. He wouldn’t want to cross paths or argue with someone like him.

If you love me, he’d dared. As if what Yibo’s going through is fucking negotiable.

Xuan Lu emerges from the kitchen with her own bottle of beer in hand and sits next to him on the sofa with a groan. “The only saving grace if being dragged out of my bed at 11:30 is your fridge. And unlimited supply of Budweiser.”

“Sorry, I need more noise to drown out the fucking uproar in my head and I don’t think blasting my playlist is a good idea.” Slightly buzzed, he looks into the can and hums, wondering if he should get another. He’s been drinking the minute he got back, taking a break in between.

She grabs an ornate pillow to put on her lap before nudging his side with her foot. “Alright. Game on. I will not forgive you if you called me here just to watch you mop silently for nothing—which won’t make sense, given the noise you’re making on the internet right now.”

Xiao Zhan slouches, pursing his lips. “Mkay. But before that—I need you to understand what…what being an actor means to me.”

“Ahuh…”

“So, I started from the bottom, right? Despite what people say that I used connections to score roles and get where I currently am. Acting is high up there on the list of things I treasure. I believe it’s my calling. When they write my name in history, not my roles nor my endorsements, or net worth will be highlighted but my passion for my craft. The sacrifices I will make for it. Yet with all these achievements, I’m insatiable. I want to do more because I don’t think I already have a legacy to leave behind when I stop. I got to maintain my place at the top. I can’t…I can’t drop out of people’s radar just yet.”

He takes a big gulp and winces as he puts the can on the table next to his phone. “That’s why the studio and Firefly agreed to do a publicity stunt. Tell everyone that Qi Xingjuan and I are together to wipe out the rumors.”

Xuan Lu’s hand flies to her mouth. “Oh my God.”

“It’s all a façade.”

“That’s why it never appeared to me that you genuinely like her. I mean—who in their right mind would even like that girl? I swear I even wondered if you got hypnotized or she made you drink a potion.”

“There’s only one person that can mesmerize me to the point of entrancing, really. If you get to know Yibo even more, you’ll probably fall for him too.”

She downs her beer and slams the bottle next to his can. “What’s with all these revelations? So the rumors are true, you like men, and you’re in love with Yibo?”

“I haven’t told you the best part yet.” Xiao Zhan shifts on the sofa so they’re face to face, his hands clasped. “I’m gonna be a dad soon, Xuan Lu. He’s pregnant.”

Xuan Lu should probably close her mouth because Xiao Zhan’s flat is not a stranger to insects.

“He’s pregnant. Yibo is pregnant. But…were you already dating at the party?”

“We weren’t, and we’re still not. Something happened that night and now we’re expecting a baby. Nobody from my side knows, Xuan Lu. Not anyone from my management. His parents and Feiyu know but only Feiyu is aware that I’m the reason why.”

“Jesus Christ, Xiao zhan. How could you keep this huge of a secret? A series of secrets? Your rumors are not even up to par with this. Are you sure Qi Xingjuan doesn’t know?”

He remembers her snooping into his phone. “She once took my phone but only read stuff that I wrote about my feelings for Yibo. Other than that, she said nothing.”

“But what if she does know? This is dangerous. You need to tell Firefly.”

Xiao Zhan chuckles, rubbing at his eye with the heel of his palm. “I don’t think they can still help me with that. Like you said, me getting another man pregnant is not the same as me getting photographed holding another man’s hand.”

“Fuck, I think you’re right. If you tell them the truth about Yibo, somehow I feel like they’re only going to make you take it to the next level with Qi Xingjuan. But that’s just me. Firefly is already a whole lot better than other agencies who will drop their artist once they get caught in the same rumors, or fuck up trying to deny it. But Firefly wants to hold on to you despite the risk of those rumors being proven real. If it gets out then they’ll be dragged down with you.”

He’s perfectly aware of that. The thought of the first company that put their trust in him being boycotted by the media and the public because of him is among his biggest worries.

“Yibo wants me to end this pretense with her. Apparently, he has feelings for me too, and I’m stuck not knowing the right thing to do so I won’t lose anything. We actually fought, that’s why I called you. I’ve been shit at committing myself to this pregnancy and I know that’s not the only issue. He…he’s done a lot of things for me just so I could live conveniently. I’m selfish because I can’t make the same sacrifices he did, and I’m a coward for not wanting to face the same repercussions that he got when his parents denied acknowledgement of the child since he can’t tell them who the other father is.”

Xuan Lu asks why.

“They’re going to force us to get married if they knew. And marrying him means leaving Qi Xingjuan. It means getting persecuted by the public because I’m what I am. Aside from that, I had so many lapses for not being concerned enough for him. I tend to put all the blame on him, refusing to listen because I’m afraid to get out of my comfort zone.”

She sighs, murmuring to herself. They stare at the beer on the table, silently considering whether they will need more for the evening.

“Xiao Zhan… I don’t ever wanna be in your shoes. Being in love must be nice but I would prefer to dive into it without problems.”

“I really need to fix things with Yibo.”

“Well, that’s a must but you should fix yourself too. It takes two to tango. You made that child together. It’s hard for you because you’re always being watched, and there will be so many people that will be disappointed and will throw you under the bus if they so much as get a clue, but Yibo is not having it easier. He’s carrying your child, Xiao Zhan. Your child. It’s not just his. It’s yours, too. I don’t wanna tell you how to take care of your own family, and I don’t have much to offer here but a shoulder to lean on, but my only advice is—you should protect what’s going to be with you for the rest of your life.”

Xiao Zhan looks at her, weighing her words. He doesn’t need to solve impossible equations to get to the bottom of it. What he needs is the courage to stick to it no matter what happens, to set aside his fear. This should not be a matter of what will become of him. It’s a matter of what will become of them if he doesn’t make the right choice.

Yibo will always be the right choice.

A new trend is hot on Weibo’s list the very next day. Qi Xingjuan has made a new post clarifying that the photo was not hinting about marriage with Xiao Zhan and that the audio was of them only joking around while drinking. No marriage plans, she said as the articles have written, most especially having children. The actress has also apologized for the false alarm, but appreciated the enthusiasm of fans.

Her previous post has already been deleted but digital footprints can’t be erased just like that. On several sites the picture and the audio were already re-uploaded for the fans’ consumption. A Super Topic has also been opened by their CP fans, taking it upon themselves to be the wedding planners.

After drinking the previous night, Xiao Zhan couldn’t meet the CEO and only asked them to tell Qi Xingjuan to make a clarification post. His team and hers agreed that the actress went too far with her scheme. He doesn’t know yet if she got reprimanded and will be staying off social media for a while, but even so, that’s not enough. This whole act needs to stop. Today, he will be heading to Firefly to demand a meeting with Qi Xingjuan’s company and express all of his dissatisfaction with the contract as well as her behavior. Spill what needs to be spilled. Countless times she overstepped boundaries for her own sake.

But for now, he needs to see Yibo. Xiao Zhan tried to contact him after that talk with Xuan Lu but he couldn’t reach him because, well, Yibo blocked his number. Xuan Lu told him to give the other man some space first, and it’s not even wise to go alone since he’d been drinking.

Xiao Zhan keeps his eyes on the road as he puts the phone on its holder and calls Yibo. As expected, the call drops before it even rings.

He’s worried. He wants to apologize, wants to tell Yibo that the latter’s right for everything he said last night. That Xiao Zhan is completely at fault for their problems. Qi Xingjuan is there because he couldn’t handle his feelings properly. Yibo pushed him away because he didn’t know his priorities. They wouldn’t be here if he’d just been truthful from the start.

He hates this ugly side of the industry where he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do what he’s expected to, but first and foremost, Xiao Zhan hates himself. If he loves Yibo, he shouldn’t have put him through so much misery. If he loves Yibo, he shouldn’t even have had to choose. His child is more important than anything, and their baby deserves a better version of him. He’d taken Yibo for granted.

How could he do this to the man who truly loved him even when he wasn’t the most ideal? Xiao Zhan doesn’t even have the right to tell Yibo that he loves him after all the pain he caused. How blinded was he by his own selfishness and cowardice that Yibo continuously breaks and he didn’t even notice?

If he didn’t pursue acting, if he was just content to live a quiet life working a job with his degree, things would be entirely different.

Xiao Zhan parks at the visitor’s lot. Since Yibo is not there, he has to leave an ID at the lobby. The receptionist’s eyes widen upon reading his name, gaze jumping up and down from him to the ID.

“Are you really—”

“Yes, I need to visit someone. Unit 125.”

“Do you know who lives in that unit?”

“Wang Yibo. You may give him a call to inform him I’m here.”

The receptionist does just that. “I’m sorry for the delay, sir. It’s standard protocol. He said you could come up now.”

Taking the pass, Xiao Zhan thanks the lady and steps into the elevator.

A teenage boy joins him on the 4^th floor, staring hard at him through their reflection on the doors. He only has his sunglasses today.

“You look familiar.”

He smiles, crossing his arms. “Is that so?”

“I think I’ve seen you somewhere before. Are you a streamer?”

Xiao Zhan doesn’t know what the kid means by that. The elevator stops on his floor before he could give the teen an answer, not looking back as he exits.

He stops before Yibo’s door and knocks. “Yibo?” No answer. The younger man is either in the bathroom or pretending to not hear him. “Yibo, will you let me in? I—I tried calling you but I think you blocked me. And I understand. Can we please talk? I promise it won’t be long.”

Someone is definitely inside. If it’s not Yibo who answered the receptionist, it should be Feiyu. Xiao Zhan waits for a few minutes, wondering how long Yibo is going to make him wait, until the door opens just as he raises a fist to knock again.

Yibo looks like how Xiao Zhan saw him at his parents’. Bags under his swollen eyes, cheeks sunken. It hasn’t been half a day yet since they fought, but Yibo looks like he’d gotten so thin. Xiao Zhan wants to pull him into a hug and put his pieces back together, but seeing that Yibo is not moving, he realizes he’s not welcome inside.

“Just…I know you’re sick of listening to me but please, hear me out.”

He takes off his sunglasses and hangs it on his collar. “I thought about all the things you said. And I know you might think changing overnight is impossible, but I knew I was being cruel to you and I just didn’t want to admit it because I cared more about myself.  I listened but I didn’t understand, I let you talk but I didn’t want to communicate. You’re right. I’m afraid for myself when I should’ve been more afraid of the consequences of letting you go through this by yourself.”

Yibo only stares, eyes devoid of emotions.

“I acted out of selfishness and hurt you so many times thinking I was making the right decisions for the both of us but all I did was decide what’s good for me. I should’ve asked you what you wanted to do, what you felt, your plans—even if you said the present is more important because then you would know that I care about it too. I spoke over you about our child. I took over everything when it should’ve been fair. You should’ve always been the first to me. I shouldn’t have made you feel guilty for having emotions and reacting justly. But I did. I did the things I shouldn’t have. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. It may seem like I only apologize to commit another mistake but I’m sorry, Yibo. I’m really sorry—”

“You promised to be there for me and you broke it. If you’re going to say that word again, please don’t.” The younger sounds hoarse, as if he’s done nothing but cry. And those eyes that used to hold so much love for Xiao Zhan contain nothing but apathy.

“I’m sorry…”

“How many times are you going to apologize? You’re right. I’m sick of it. I hear it one more time from you and I’m going to cut my ears off. I’ve heard you…but what do you expect me to say, or do?”

“I just wanted you to know—”

Yibo shakes his head, swallowing. “I don’t know what to say. Or do. Tell me—how much more do I have to give to have you? Until I’m empty and hollow? Until I have nothing left?”

Xiao Zhan wants to say Yibo has always had him, but that wasn’t what it looked like for the past four month, is it?

“It’s always been about you. I quit racing, I didn’t tell my parents about you, I stayed far behind to let you move forward. I had to make big adjustments for you while you lowballed me with the bare minimum then you think it’s fair. It will never be fair.”

“I’m…” Yibo doesn’t want his sorry. “I messed up. I hurt you. And I’m not going to excuse it anymore.”

The absence of the bone necklace crushes him. He fears what Yibo wants to convey by taking it off.

“You think things will be fine just because Qi Xingjuan took the posts down?”

“I’m going to Firefly to tell them to end the contract. I won’t ask them. I’ll tell them. I won’t have to see her again.”

“…Based on your track record, I can’t bring myself to believe you can sit through that meeting without folding.”

“But I won’t, Yibo. I’ll really end the contract today.”

“I don’t know,” Yibo tilts his head, unfeeling. “Maybe…I should just raise this child alone.”

No.

Panic throws Xiao Zhan off-kilter. Thinking about Yibo and their child living happily without him, him not being able to see and talk to them triggers desperate tears.

Next thing he knows he’s on his knees, no longer caring if somebody sees. “Yibo—I’m so sorry, okay? Y-you don’t have to forgive me. But please, please know I’m deeply sorry and I’m going to make it up to you. Just please don’t push me away? Don’t—” he grips the hem of Yibo’s shirt, looking up at the younger whose expression remains rigid. “Don’t take the baby away—”

“I’ve always been amazed whenever you cry on-screen. It felt raw and real and honest. You’ve never cried around me, even when things got rough. I can’t say it still amazes me now because I’m envious that you still have tears left to cry after all the scenes you had to act out. I’m so envious. I’m breaking inside but I can’t cry.”

Yibo takes his hand off his shirt.

“Hey, Xiao Zhan. I’ve fucking dried up. I shed tears when I crashed, when I found out I’m pregnant because I had to quit racing. I shed tears when dad was so upset he said I shouldn’t have been born. I shed tears when mom forced me to get an abortion. I shed tears watching you with someone else, hold her hand and kiss her without a care in the world. I shed tears for giving way but not being chosen. Deep inside I cry everytime I forgive you because I know I deserve better. Do you want more of it? But I already gave them all to you. You stayed afloat because all my tears held you up.”

Xiao Zhan watches as Yibo crouches to his eye level, thumbing away his tears.

“Hey, Xiao Zhan. Listen to me. Stop fucking hurting me already.”

Then Yibo stands, looks him in the eye for a moment, before taking a step back and closing the door.

Xiao Zhan plops on his heels, staring unseeingly at the space before him.

Xiao Zhan, Yibo had called him. Desolate of affection, like they’re now simply two strangers that have nothing to do with each other.

His head lowers, tears dripping to the fabric of his jeans drawing dark spots. A dry chuckle rumbles out of him before he gets to his feet, one hand pressed against the door hoping Yibo opens it again and calls for him just like before.

But this is not like before. Yibo is thinking of building a family without him.

It must be true. You will never know what you have until you lose it, and Yibo is rapidly slipping out of his grasp.

Drying his face, Xiao Zhan determinedly walks back to the elevator and nearly collides against a middle aged woman just stepping out of it.

Recognition dawns on her face, the doors closing just as his name leaves her mouth in an astounded cry.

Sitting in front of the vanity in her robe, fresh out of shower, Qi Xingjuan hums as she dries her hair, occasionally scrolling through her phone to read new comments under her clarification post.

One of them wails over her taking it back as CP fans have already started discussing what their wedding would look like and how many kids they’d have based on their personalities. The next one right under it is a straight-up anti, accusing her of doing it for attention because Xiao Zhan hasn’t said anything until now.

What pisses her off more than that is how several of Xiao Zhan’s biased fans are coming out to call her a leech, only dating him for the fame it’ll bring her. How dare they. If they only knew all of her efforts in saving Xiao Zhan’s career, they would praise her for being a saint. She has shown nothing but loveliness and people suddenly think dirty of her after one mistake?

Plus calling her an attention whore? What’s wrong about constantly talking about her boyfriend? Of course, she will be proud to be his.

She locks her phone, annoyed that she can’t slam negative comments as she’s been told to take a break from it until the topic dies down. Honestly, she thinks it’s idiotic. Their anniversary is coming soon, how else is she going to post those photos?

The doorbell rings. Qi Xingjuan checks her WeChat. A friend is coming over to hang out and she’d told the other to text her first, but sees no new message. Huffing, she takes the phone with her as she leaves her bedroom to get to the front door.

Xiao Zhan-gets in and kicks the door close behind him.

“Wow, I’ve asked you to come over so many times before but you always turned me down. And when I don’t, you come barging in uninvited. What is it, do you regret telling them to ask me to delete the post? Some of our fans are now looking down on you for not asking me to get married already.”

She soon realizes Xiao Zhan is not there to mess around. “We need to end the contract whether you like it or not. If you don’t want to, I’ll be the one to talk to your company and offer compensation for early termination. You can tell them whatever you want, but I won’t let this contract stay valid for one more day.”

“…You’re out of your mind.”

“I don’t want to deal with you anymore. You’re a fucking lunatic. Don’t you tell me I’m out of my mind because I can’t take your shit anymore.  You know for yourself all the disgusting things you did and I’m not gonna let you slide again. And I will never, ever fucking love you.”

Xiao Zhan looks at her like she’s the lowest of the low.

“You’re bottom of the barrel scum, Xingjuan. Everytime I look at you, I feel sick. You take what’s not yours, you forcefully insert yourself in place you don’t belong. You act like everyone should bow down to you when in reality, you’re nothing. You’re rubbish. No one will fucking take a second look at you and—”

Her palm stings as she slaps Xiao Zhan with all her might, chest heaving with anger.

“Hah—,”The actor sneers, licking the small pinch of blood off the corner of his lip. “The truth hurts, doesn’t it? Without me, you’re nothing.”

“We’re just the same, you fucking con. You want to end the contract? Don’t bother calling for a meeting. Let’s get down to it right here, right now.”

Xiao Zhan frowns as she gets to her phone.

“Why convince the higher-ups that we’re not meant to be, when you can just convince the whole world instead?” She smiles as she shows Xiao Zhan a new post. “Hassle free, right?”

It’s true that she drunk posted that picture and audio file. She was just around Xiao Zhan’s condominium with a few friends, celebrating her landing a new gig. They parted ways after that and she didn’t expect to see Yibo and Xiao Zhan arguing in the open street.

Qi Xingjuan laughs, seeing Xiao Zhan’s horror. “My God. I thought he liked someone else? Then why did he spread his legs for you?”

The audio plays, and some parts of it that mentioned her were obviously omitted so as not to reveal her involvement and make it seem like Xiao Zhan met Yibo without her knowledge, just like how she told him she would.

Xiao Zhan shakes from barely held back rage. “I will fucking kill you.”

“Perhaps you should deal with your dying career first?”

“I’m going to tell the truth that we were never together, that you’ve done things that I can fucking get you sued—”

“And what are those? Stalking? I wasn’t stalking you, Xiao Zhan. I was actually with my friends in that area. And you were cheating on me so I have the right to follow you around. Too bad for you, you got caught. You worried so much about anti fans, Xiao Zhan, when I’m right next to you. The public can hate me for lying to them but they will hate you more for using me to hide how disgusting you are…and for neglecting that poor, pregnant man. Cat got your tongue?” Qi Xingjuan grins seeing the influx of comments. “Try to catch your gigs first before firing back at me because they’re freefalling as we speak. I’m having a friend over, by the way. Leave.”

Xiao Zhan doesn’t need to be told twice. The painting on her wall quivers as he slams the door. Xingjuan scoffs and heads back to her bedroom to continue what she was doing.

Though she can’t concentrate. She’s fucked Xiao Zhan over. Him and Wang Yibo. They’re going to be eaten alive.

But there is gnawing nervousness in her guts.

Qi Xingjuan turns off her phone as her boss’ name appears on the screen. She doesn’t care. They pushed her buttons, so they get what they deserve.

The video sets the internet on fire, as well as everything that Xiao Zhan’s name has graced. Since its posting, nearly a hundred articles have been popping up left and right to feast on the shocking exposé.

Theories then sprout. One, Xiao Zhan is not as active in posting about Qi Xingjuan because he’s been cheating on her all this time with ex Yamaha racer Wang Yibo. The other is earning more votes—the couple has never been real.

Witch hunting on Yibo ensues. Fans and people alike dig through his profile, finding out he’s the heir of a conglomerate and are now petitioning to boycott said companies and businesses. They find the news of his ZIC crash, and remembering that Xiao Zhan had attended ARRC and was seen leaving ZIC the moment the racer was taken away by an ambulance, sleuths connect the dots and predict that’s how long Xiao Zhan has been seeing Wang Yibo behind Qi Xingjuan’s back, or if the relationship is not real, that’s how long Xiao Zhan has been adding more fuel into his already sizzling lies.

It reaches the motorcycling circle as they confirm the real reason for Wang Yibo’s reported sudden departure. Though not technically a celebrity, Yibo suffers through judgements from former colleagues dubbing him a homewrecker who ‘mistakes men for bikes.’ Disgusting comments are being dumped into his profile coming from racers who didn’t like how he reacted to his loss against Hu Tongmin, and from trolls that simply find enjoyment in witch hunting public figures as long as it’s not their own witches that are being hunted.

Criticisms flock to Xiao Zhan’s Weibo and Oasis, as well as his studio’s, calling out his blatant lying and the ballsy use of his father’s name for selfish interest, his gall to deny the old rumors, and for using Qi Xingjuan to shield himself. Their couple fans, together with the actress’ personal fandom join hands in throwing rocks against him, painting him evil while Qi Xingjuan the innocent victim.

And then on the other side of the chaos, a small population within fans that never believed Qi Xingjuan and Xiao Zhan were actually dating, extend sympathy towards Yibo after watching the video, talking about how he’s so pitiful for being neglected when he didn’t want to be pregnant after a night with the actor. This causes more hate on Xiao Zhan as he appears to be the kind of man who ‘will run away from responsibilities as soon as his partner gets pregnant’. Not exactly true, but no one knows the whole story.

If Qi Xingjuan thought she’d be completely unscathed from the havoc she wreaked, she’s wrong. As the scheme sinks into fans, she earns her own round of condemnation for taking part, that she’s just as horrible as Xiao Zhan for agreeing to it. ‘Liar’ is attached to her key searches, topics made to discuss her opportunistic nature and the backstabbing she did once she realized Xiao Zhan’s attention was never on her. Moreover, those staff that she mistreated then take advantage of this opportunity to finally expose her awful behavior, recalling traumatizing encounters and saying she’s not the angel everyone thought she was, defending Xiao Zhan who patiently put up with her despite her attitude.

Regardless of the few people coming out to stand with Xiao Zhan, photos of his promiscuity resurface, supported by the video that Qi Xingjuan posted. As if it’s not already terrible that he is now branded a master of deception by the whole country, some antis have used this to peddle more rumors—the more familiar one which is him landing roles through under the table transactions, and the latest bullshit being his diploma now suspected to be fabricated.

The latter is quickly proven false as his alma mater released an image of his official records.

In just several hours, XZ Studio has gotten calls from productions now unsure of casting the actor, a number of endorsements pulling out of the contract in fear of being affected by the scandal. Certainly, as the fire envelopes him and his agency who has obviously supported him despite his lies, more brands are going to part ways with him considering the adverse reaction of the public that threatens that they will not buy any more from said brands if they don’t hire a new spokesperson.

Their voices were the oars peddling him forward. Now they’re snapping in halves and he’s sinking.

As the day rolls with all parties yet to speak, opinions continued to be divided. The hate on Yibo for ‘stealing Xiao Zhan,’ the hate on Xiao Zhan for ‘cheating on Qi Xingjuan,’ denying the rumors and using a woman to protect himself, and the hate on Qi Xingjuan who could’ve avoided the disaster if she just knew better than to be a part of the ploy.

Perplexed, fans rally on the internet demanding an explanation. Antis crusade against Xiao Zhan’s stay in the industry, calling the attention of the government to have him banned from all media platforms.

That might be the worst of these so Firefly has advised him to stay at home, to not go anywhere and leave it to them to brainstorm the proper response towards this mess. Xiao Zhan doesn’t need to watch the news to have an idea of how the CCP will be reacting. He’d been sent an ambassador overseas for a conference, representing China’s entertainment industry and this stains the country’s reputation. If this causes tighter restrictions on LGBT media, he will be taking more blame without a doubt. As what is already happening, casting directors will be cautious of hiring him, fearing the possibility that their project will be censored or worse, blocked permanently. 

He doesn’t rule out that he might not be able to appear on TV again as much as he did because if portraying same-sex relationships is punishable by law, then why allow a homosexual actor who shamelessly paraded himself in public to be an idol to the youth? Companies are going to blacklist him if they haven’t already. Even if the industry takes pity on him, he will never escape severe shaming, the exact reason that pushed a deceased actor towards an extreme decision. Though supported by communities, constant judgement and ridicule had taken a toll on him.

**

Curled up in bed and wrapped in a thick blanket, Xiao Zhan stares at his phone. Petrified is not a strong enough word to describe the emotion enclosing around him. According to Liang, nobody is waiting outside the condominium because everyone is protesting in front of Firefly Entertainment.

It doesn’t matter. He’s already seen how everything he worked for had fallen into a heap of garbage. And in spite of it, he worries more about Yibo being unfairly lambasted. Yibo hates attention given to him solely because of his name, and now that it’s happening, it’s not even painting him marvellously.

He doesn’t wish to keep quiet. Not when Yibo is verbally belaboured. Earlier, he’d notified the agency and the studio to tell everyone that he will be speaking up soon whether or not they have already penned a statement.

Yibo still has him blocked. Xiao Zhan has no other way to make sure he’s alright.

It should only be him being beaten up with coldblooded words because this is his karma alone. Yibo had done nothing wrong. With this, Yibo will never want to see him again. Yibo wouldn’t wish for their child to be bullied for being related to him.

Liang rings him. Weakly, Xiao Zhan picks up. “Hello?”

“Sir, please open the door. We’re getting in the VIP elevator and I’m leaving right away to watch the entrances.”

“What? Who’s coming here?”

“Wang Yibo.”

“Wha—” Liang hangs up. Xiao Zhan should chide him, but Liang has helped him a lot when he wanted to meet Yibo.

Suddenly reenergized, Xiao Zhan scrambles out of bed and gets the door just as Yibo’s face appears on the video door phone. He’s got his hood on, nothing else to hide his face.

Xiao Zhan steps aside to let him in and quickly shuts the door. Awkward silence speaks for them as they look at each other, both marred with fatigue.

“…I didn’t know you have Liang-ge’s number.”

“Got it when we went to the cinema. I begged him to help me get in here without being mobbed, but there was no one outside the condominium anyway.”

“The security must have chased everyone away. I don’t know. I’ve been in bed since yesterday. Don’t wanna look outside lest somebody’s filming.” Slipping hands into his pockets, he leans against the door staring at Yibo, making sure he’s actually there. “I…have you seen the news?”

“No.” Yibo doesn’t move from where he’s standing five feet from him. “But Feiyu had told me some. Why would I look at it? I know what they’re gonna say. Or what they’re already saying. They’re saying I ruined your relationship, right? I don’t wanna be even more stressed, honestly. I’m sure you’ve monitored every kind of ridicule spoken on my name. Have they already banished you?”

Would Yibo like that? To see him meet his demise for all the things he did? It would serve as a perfect revenge, wouldn’t it? A revenge Yibo’s hands are clean of orchestrating.

“They’re…in the process of doing that. But I’ve been—I’ve been adjusting. I’m so sorry about the articles, Yibo. I’m going to help you get rid of them. The hate comments are easy to remove, so don’t log in on any social media yet.”

Yibo is supposed to say Xiao Zhan deserves the backlash, a payback for hurting him. But then he’s quietly wiping a tear as he stares, lips trembling.

“I didn’t…I didn’t wish for this to happen to you. I only wanted you to stop seeing Qi Xingjuan so you could spend those free days with me. You know, she dropped by at mine. The day after you came over to tell my mom to cancel the abortion appointment. She told me to stop contacting you or she’d do something we’ll regret. And I regret not believing her. I regret impulsively confronting you. This—this is not what I wanted to happen to you, Zhan-ge. I didn’t want to—I didn’t want to take away your hard work—”

Without second thoughts, Xiao Zhan crosses the space between them and pulls Yibo to a hug, letting Yibo bury his face into the crook of his neck. “It’s not your fault, Bo-di. Nothing about this is your fault. I’m sorry. This is all because of me. Please don’t blame yourself.”

Every muffled sob seeps into his heart. Yibo clings to him for what seems like forever, clutching the back of his shirt tightly as though Xiao Zhan would disappear if he lets go. When he pulls away wiping at his eyes, Xiao Zhan’s gaze zeroes in on the sliver of a necklace hidden inside his hoodie.

“Zhan-ge…I’m yet to forgive you completely, but I’m here because you need someone to be with you. And I need you. Our baby needs you. No one else will have our back but each other. Don’t be scared,” Yibo looks up at him, sniffling. “Not too scared. Just a bit is okay. I’m here.”

Xiao Zhan really doesn’t deserve him. He’d gashed the younger man, left him bleeding. Yet still, it’s Yibo who comes here wishing to accompany him. He’d promised Yibo he wouldn’t be alone, and he broke that promise. Yibo didn’t have to make promises to be there for him.

“I’m sorry for everything. And I love you.”

Yibo’s eyes widen a fraction before diverting.

“Why do you still care? I hurt you a lot, didn’t I?”

Brows furrowing, Yibo uses the sleeve of his hoodie to soak Xiao Zhan’s tears threatening to cascade. “Because I love you too, okay? Don’t question me—don’t ever question my love for you, Zhan-ge. It’s insane. It’s immeasurable. It’s there, it’s everywhere, and it will always be with you. Here,” he delves into his pockets. “Look what I have.”

Brightly colored chocolate rocks. Yibo is giving him chocolates so he won’t be sad.

Through the tears, Xiao Zhan chuckles and takes a handful of them before eating some. Then he sits down and pulls Yibo to his lap, smiling against the younger man’s shoulder as he wraps his arms around Yibo’s stomach. Yibo blushes from embarrassment but hugs him back anyway, arms looped around his neck.

“Thank you for coming here.”

“I missed you, Zhan-ge. But…what happens now? If you keep losing jobs, what are you gonna do…?”

Both the present and the future are things Xiao Zhan avoids thinking about. However, he will eventually have to, and he’s glad Yibo is there to press him.

“Um, if we consider the worst case scenario which is me never acting again, then there should be something I can do that won’t be affected by my ‘indecent’ preference. Like graphic design. The diploma will finally be useful.”

“Am I indecent?”

He blinks a few times. “Pardon?”

“Because you’re interested in me, aren’t you? You’re in love with me. Am I indecent?”

Xiao Zhan drops a kiss on Yibo’s throat. “You’re divine.”

“R-right. Stop kissing my neck, we’re literally in the middle of a pandemonium. Also, I’m still a little bit mad at you.”

Ouch. Well, things won’t be easy. “What did your parents say?”

Yibo pushes his hood off, frowning. “They are…shocked. Especially mom. She believed you were infallible. I don’t know if they really care about the rumors or the fake relationship with Qi Xingjuan, but I think the one that upsets them the most is us lying to them. When I explained why, they refused to hear about it. They didn’t bring it up, but I’m almost certain they’re just relieved I won’t be a shameful single parent. They’re unbelievable, Zhan-ge. Nobody asked me how I’m doing.”

The elder Wangs wouldn’t push for a wedding at the height of the scandal, would they? “Your family’s business is being targeted.”

“It’s publicity. Negative or positive, they love it.”

“…Your parents need to seek help.”

Xiao Zhan sighs, fingers carding through Yibo’s wavy hair. “Will you think it’s crazy if I say I may not care about not acting again as much as I thought I would? Fame comes and goes. This won’t guarantee victory forever. But you…you not being in my life is a fatal loss. Losing you will scar me for life. I’m sorry, baby. I’ll take care of you. I’ll right all of my wrongs, I promise.”

“…One last promise, Zhan-ge. I allow you one last promise. You’ll be better than this. We’ll be better than this. Things may collapse around us but we’ll put us first. You, me, the baby. The family will always be put first.”

He nods, whispering the word against Yibo’s mouth in a gentle kiss before hugging him again, wetting Yibo’s hoodie with tears.

He can’t lose Yibo. Losing Yibo is losing a lifeline, and he’ll be doomed to eternal despair if he wastes this second chance.

Firefly Entertainment issues a statement clarifying the controversy surrounding Xiao Zhan. He wishes not to lie any longer, and knowing that excuses will only make things worse, the agency comes clean with its official response.

Through it, the agency admits to past rumors—it is indeed their artist on the photos, and confesses that Xiao Zhan’s spurious relationship with Qi Xingjuan was agreed upon by his and the actress’ management teams to hide the truth. The contract is mentioned and clears accusations that Qi Xingjuan was forced, stating some of her company’s demands should she participate. Firefly Entertainment takes all the blame for being its mastermind.

Nothing was spared, including Qi Xingjuan’s actual personality. A few of her misdeeds are listed on the statement: Invasion of privacy – inspecting Xiao Zhan’s schedule and snooping in his phone, stalking – following Xiao Zhan to schedules not publicly announced, threats and manipulations to force the actor into fulfilling selfish demands.

Exposing Qi Xingjuan is done not to get back at the actress but to shed light for her personal vendetta as her silence and her agency’s unwillingness to hold her accountable is found to be unfair by Firefly who is the only one being badgered.

Lastly, Firefly Entertainment announces Xiao Zhan’s indefinite hiatus. Not a word is mentioned regarding cancellation of future projects and current schedules other than those announced prior the official statement, but his hiatus is already an indirect confirmation.

A few hours after the company’s post, Xiao Zhan logs into his Weibo to make a personal update, including thoughts he didn’t want Firefly to say in his place.

“Hello everyone, this is Xiao Zhan.

To cut to the chase, I deeply apologize for lying, for resorting to protect myself rather than be honest from the beginning. I was careless and did not care about my image back then, and I shall pay the price today. I will accept each rejection and understand the criticisms I will receive, and I’ll be doing my best to earnestly reflect on my actions so I can make better choices in the future.

I know I will not be forgiven easily with just a simple post like this. If I had just accepted the consequences before, there could’ve been better reactions and kinder words now. I know that the majority of the backlash I am getting today is because of my decision to lie, to deceive all of you that I am perfect. I am not, I’ve willingly fooled people who trusted me, and I apologize again for thinking I could get away from my past recklessness without owning up to it.

Asking for your understanding and forgiveness is not enough, so I will be taking a rest for now.

As a last request, please direct all of your frustrations on me. Let us not involve more people, let us not hurt those who don’t deserve to be hurt because of me.

And before I end this letter, I wish to confess about one more thing:

Out of all the things I did, I can’t possibly apologize for the way my heart is. For the past 6+ years of being in the industry, I hid my real self for the sake of being loved by everyone. However, looking at the recent events, there is no reason for me anymore to not be who I am.

I fell in love with a friend who’s been there for me throughout my career, and long before that. Acting was my life, and now it’s him and our child. We are now going to have our own family. I’m going to be a father soon and my primary responsibility is to protect them.

So please, I’m begging you, to leave them out of your hate for me. I brought this upon myself, and all he did was love me quietly.

Thank you for reading until the end. Thank you for supporting me, and I’m sorry for disappointing you.”

**

Xiao Zhan eats condemnation for breakfast, lunch and dinner a month into his hiatus. Nothing abates the crusading for his exile be it on TV or the internet. His posters fill trash dumps, torn from windows while anti-fans burn all of his merch.

30 days of career carnage. 30 days of denunciation.

It only took 30 days for the country’s gem to turn into a murky stone.

Basically jobless until further notice, he’s moved in with Yibo. It’s useless to stay separated. He’s the one to pack up because there wouldn’t be space for Yibo’s helmets in his unit. Xiao Zhan’s furniture holds no sentimental value.

Now that they’re together 24/7, he devotes every second into taking care of his pregnant boyfriend. Cooking whatever Yibo craves, giving leg and foot massages, preparing hot baths that Yibo can relax in. Xiao Zhan basically does every chore because of three reasons: to make up for his mistakes in every way possible, he simply loves babying Yibo, and to have something else to think about rather than the exhausting hate train.

Liu Daiyu said it looks like it would take a while for the public to warm up to him again. Give it a year or two. Although she can’t promise it would be easy for Xiao Zhan to slip back in without the ghost of this scandal looming over him or following like a permanent shadow.

It would be best for him and Yibo to get away from it all, go overseas and start afresh.

So they do. Nothing is holding them back. Xiao Zhan already has an apartment in Japan which he purchased while filming a joint drama.

Yibo’s stomach is 5-months and 10 days big when they settle in Osaka. The fully furnished apartment isn’t as fancy as what Xiao Zhan had in Shenzhen, but the view is breathtaking at night being 30 floors off the ground.

Leaving all of their luggage at the corner, he watches Yibo with a smile as the younger man looks around their new home. “What do you think? I sent you pictures before, right?”

“It’s nice. Feels somewhat more homey than your unit back there, honestly.” Yibo hums as he enters the kitchen, and pouts seeing the empty fridge. “Where will I put my helmets when they arrive, though?”

“We can store them in the guestroom. Come here,” he beckons the other over, and drapes an arm around Yibo’s shoulder as they walk over to the ceiling-high windows. Ant-sized cars and pedestrians litter the highway. Once the sun sets, they’ll get a taste of what Xiao Zhan actually paid for when he bought the apartment. “My legs tingle when I look down.”

Yibo presses a hand on the glass. “Were all the furniture already here before you bought this? You only sent me pictures of the bedrooms and the bathroom, you know.”

“Yup. It’s a hassle to move into a new place without furniture.”

“You could’ve designed the apartment.”

“I’m a Graphic Designer, though.”

“Yes, you are. You already found a company to hire you, right?” Yibo looks up at him, eyes sparkling. He was so excited when Xiao Zhan suggested staying in Japan for a while. “You were granted a long-term stay visa because you’re an essential worker.”

He pinches the other’s chubby cheek and plants a kiss on it. “We’ll think of what we can do so you can stay just as long. I’ll be going to the office later to meet my new boss. And new co-workers. You wanna come with me? If you’re not tired.”

When the company heard who he was, Xiao Zhan thought he’d be rejected. But they were so honored that he’d chosen to apply to them and that’s how Xiao Zhan knew things would be better and lighter for them there. Working for a small-sized company humbles him. He doesn’t need an extravagant salary. It’ll be a great experience as long as he gets to apply what he learned.

“I’ve never been to Japan, ge. So it’s a little scary to be let alone even if I’m just at home. I’m not that tired.” But Yibo’s yawn contradicts him.

Fondly, Xiao Zhan gives his boyfriend a backhug and caresses Yibo’s stomach as they look at the view outside. It hasn’t even been a day but he already feels optimistic. They’re 1543 miles away from Shenzhen, but it’s fine. Osaka will treat them nicely. Those that know him won’t care as much. From now on they’ll keep moving forward, no time to dwell on the mess they left behind.

“While I’m at work, what do you plan to do all day?”

“Is it possible for me to enrol in online classes?”

Xiao Zhan snorts, kissing Yibo’s temple. “You, studying?”

His amusement fails to be appreciated. “Does it sound like I’m kidding? I’ll take an online housekeeping course. I’m going to be a diligent househusband, Zhan-ge. While you work, I’ll take care of the house. Cook you a nice meal and prepare all of your stuff for tomorrow.” Yibo wiggles his brows teasingly, totally kidding. “Wouldn’t I look endearing?”

“Very much so. But you don’t need to do all that. Still, if you really want to study, we can look up online classes together. It’s nice that you’ll have something to do with your time.”

The glint in Yibo’s eyes changes, his tone naughty. “If I don’t understand something, you should tutor me.”

“…You’re already pregnant.”

“And? That didn’t stop you last week!”

Xiao Zhan raises a brow. “You seduced me.”

The other takes offense to his claim, pulling away indignantly. “Oh my God, I did not! I just put on your Spongebob apron because it was funny!” Yibo’s eyes widen on cue seeing the dark flushing of his skin. Busted. “Zhan-ge…do you fantasize about me just wearing an apron and nothing else?”

His utter humiliation at being found out causes Yibo to double over in laughter.

“Oi, be quiet. Wang Yibo, did anyone not tell you how noisy you are?” Smirking, Xiao Zhan cups his boyfriend’s cheeks and shuts him up with a kiss, chuckling as Yibo instantly goes pliant.

Yibo clutches his shirt, already panting when the kiss ends. “Zhan-ge…”

“I’ll fill you up if you wear the apron for me again—”

The sound of Yibo’s hand striking down to smack him on the head reverberates in the whole apartment.

Month 6, Week 22.

The farther along Yibo gets in this pregnancy, the more emotional he becomes. And it doesn’t help that their baby’s already moving actively in his stomach, kicking his guts and keeping him from getting a good night’s sleep.

There’s a new reason to Yibo’s nightly wailing.

Xiao Zhan wakes up and sees the other with his back against the headboard, face buried in hands. Shoving the blanket down, he sits up and scoots closer, tugging the other to his embrace. “Love, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Fat droplets of tears dribble down Yibo’s cheeks as he looks up. “It’s so big!”

“What is?”

“My feet, Zhan-ge! They’re so swollen. I went to the toilet to pee and when I looked down, I thought I turned into an elephant.”

“But you’re not an elephant, baby. Swelling is a part of pregnancy. We talked to the doctor yesterday, right?”

Yibo hiccups as he gets off the bed and insistently demonstrates his walking which is, according to him, how elephants walk. “See? See? Wha—Zhan-ge, it’s not funny!”

Feeling a little bad seeing Yibo’s eyes well with more tears, Xiao Zhan bites his lip and gestures for the other to return to his arms. He lovingly cuddles Yibo, peppering kisses all over his damp face. “Okay, I’m sorry for laughing. We’ll try to lessen the swelling tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to be an elephant…”

“You won’t be. Although elephants are adorable.”

Something nudges against Xiao Zhan’s palm on Yibo’s belly so he bunches up Yibo’s sleep shirt to say hi to their daughter. “Jia, did papa’s crying wake you?”

Yibo tugs on his ear playfully, face ruddy from crying. “She woke me by punching and slamming her tiny feet around. I’m scared of what she’s about to do in the upcoming months, Zhan-ge.”

“Let’s just ask her nicely to not hurt you too much. Because you’re gonna reward her with lots of toys and love when she comes out. You hear that, Jia? Don’t poke through any of papa’s organs then we’re good.” Shifting a bit, Xiao Zhan drops a kiss on Yibo’s stomach as their baby kicks again before giving Yibo one on the lips. “You sleepy?”

“I’m actually hungry now…”

“Alright. Let’s make you something to eat.”

Lending his hand for Yibo to hold, they head to the kitchen and Xiao Zhan immediately whisks something for his boyfriend’s craving while Yibo watches and complains at how slow he’s being.

In spite of the rollercoaster of mood, Xiao Zhan’s chest expands with unadulterated affection. He’s up in the wee hours of the morning trying to keep his eyes open while making an untimely chocolate dessert, and he’ll do this again even if losing sleep will bite him in the ass when he goes to work.

As long as Yibo’s happy. 

**

Month 7, Week 27.

At last, they found the time to buy all that baby stuff on a weekend. Since there’s still lots of space left in the guestroom even with Yibo’s helmets, they decide to organize Jia’s things there. Clothes, nappies, bottles and other necessities. She will be sleeping with them for a while once Yibo gives birth, though. Even if they got the most reliable baby monitor the store has, he will be too worried to leave their daughter in a separate room.

He volunteers arranging Jia’s clothes while Xiao Zhan assembles the crib. Their baby will have a variety of outfits to choose from and Yibo’s going to make Xiao Zhan take hundreds of pictures of her.

“We forgot to buy that rotating toy you can hang over the crib.”

“Then we can go back to the store tomorrow. Or get one online?”

Xiao Zhan scans the manual for the nth time. “Let’s return to the store. They probably have a wide selection of it. Also, you looked so cute inspecting all the items earlier. It wasn’t even long ago when you were holding up motorbike parts, and now you’re meticulously checking diaper reviews to see which one is more absorbent.”

How time flies. Yibo smiles at the memory as he folds another one of Jia’s baby pajamas, stacking it on the growing pile in the mini closet. Then seeing the boxed set of baby bottles, he opens it and pulls one out, looking at its cartoonish design. They’re gonna have to sterilize it before giving it to Jia to make sure she won’t get sick feeding from a dirty bottle.

Surrounded by all of these baby nursery essentials, Yibo is overcome with emotions, eyes misting over.

“I almost never had this, Zhan-ge.”

He flips the bottle over in his hands as he turns his attention back to the pile of clothes, imagining their baby wearing every single one of them.

“If they took her from us, we wouldn’t be here doing this. You wouldn’t be building that crib. I wouldn’t be touching these clothes wondering if she’s going to be comfortable in them. Sometimes—” hot tears spill over and leave a trail, dropping on his hands. “Sometimes I still think about it. If they managed to—”

A lot of the pain from his parents trying to stop him from having this is still there, festering in him. Sometimes he lies awake at night after dreaming about it, struggling to fall back asleep even with Xiao Zhan’s embrace. The wound is yet to close, the sound of his own weeping and the sight of their unyielding eyes as he begged them not to take his child away still vivid.

They flayed him alive and he will never forgive them. He will never let them see his daughter. Jia doesn’t deserve to know such monsters.

Xiao Zhan turns him around and wipes his tears away. “I’m sorry, Bo-di. I’m still sorry.”

The guilt will never fade.

“You’ll help me take care of her when she comes out, right? What if something happens and you’re not here?”

“Then I’ll drop everything and come back.”

Yibo cradles the bottle. “Promise?”

He needs assurance. He needs a reminder that Xiao Zhan will always be there, one call away. And that his calls will be answered.

“Promise.”

Now at ease, they finish organizing Jia’s essentials and Yibo’s heart soars looking at them beside his shelf of helmets and skateboards and boxes of Legos.

**

Month 8, Week 32.

The cat leaps up to him as he arrives, chucking his shoes off. “Jianguo! Did you miss me? You just slept all day, didn’t you?” He crouches and pets the cat’s head, letting it nuzzle its face on his hand.

“Zhan-geee! Welcome home!”

A smile breaks out as Yibo comes into view, one hand on top of his giant belly, the other on the base of his spine.

“How’s work? You’re 15 minutes late.”

Xiao Zhan carries their cat and leans in to plant a kiss on Yibo’s forehead. “The client is a dick. They need the logo next week and I’ve been working on it for the past two, and suddenly they want me to make a few—actually a bunch—of alterations because apparently, they changed their shop’s Vision and Mission.”

“Aww, my poor Zhan-ge. If I weren’t bulging with your daughter, I’d bust that bastard’s ass for you. Run it over with my bike.”

His grin widens and spoils Yibo with another kiss. “You’re so violent it’s sexy.”

“Hah. Oh—come on! I cooked something!”

It was a surprise that Yibo actually pushed through with the online cooking classes. Xiao Zhan tails his boyfriend and feels his mouth water at the heavenly smell coming from the covered casserole.

“You’re really working hard with the househusband agenda.”

“Because you love it when I take care of you. Honestly, I deserve a damn trophy for this. A couple of months ago I couldn’t even fry an egg without crying for help.” Yibo hands him a ladle. “Take a sip.”

He does. Xiao Zhan refills the ladle and chuckles as Yibo snaps and tells him to grab a bowl if he’s already going to eat. “It’s really good. What is it?”

“Butajiru. Miso soup with pork and veggies.”

“10 out of 10. Only downside is I didn’t get to see you with the apron on.”

Yibo’s glare seems weak with his cheeks on fire. “Don’t start it. My stomach is so big.”

“That didn’t stop you yesterday from getting on your knees—”

“Oi!” Yibo puts both of his hands on his stomach. “Our baby can already hear you!”

Xiao Zhan snorts. Teasing Yibo has become his favorite hobby. “But why were you so loud—”

Karma comes in the form of Yibo threatening to hit him with the ladle, then ordering him to step out of the kitchen. No dinner for him, Yibo says.

“But I’m starving—”

“No! Go away. This food is all mine now. How dare you.”

Sulking, Xiao Zhan brings Jianguo to the living room and plops on the couch with a sigh. He’ll just find something to watch first. His boyfriend will surely pity him soon. Then Xiao Zhan needs to start thinking twice before—

His thoughts cease as he sees a familiar title in Yibo’s folder of pirated downloads.

The movie he promoted for a month, touring in different cities with the cast. It was pulled out of the cinema too early because of the scandal.

Xiao Zhan doesn’t know if the next one will still be released.

“You better hide these from the cops if they raid the apartment. And tell them I’m not an accomplice.”

Yibo looks at what he’s talking about, face dropping. “…Oh, Zhan-ge. I’m sorry. I really wanted to see it.”

“It’s fine. Actually I haven’t seen the whole movie yet. I was supposed to be at the premiere. Is it okay if I restart it?”

He helps Yibo bring their dinner to the living room and they eat while watching.

Xiao Zhan ignores the sting everytime he comes on screen. Four months have passed and the noise is starting to diminish but it’s still deafening, and reminiscing feels like a felony.

He’s been crucified and there’s no descending from it.

“Your acting here is award-winning, Zhan-ge. I think there will never be another you.”

The highest compliment an actor could possibly receive. Skills so sublime it can’t be imitated.

“Thank you, Bo-di.”

Yibo is still here, still his number one fan.

That’s all he wants.

November 18, Osaka City University Hospital.

It’s the week of Yibo’s due date so he will be giving birth anytime soon. They just finished a simple walking exercise so Xiao Zhan goes to the kitchen to get some water, and when he returns, Yibo is pointing to his damp pants with a slight grimace.

“I think we need to go to the hospital now, Zhan-ge.”

They’re polar opposites. Yibo’s so calm while Xiao Zhan overflows with panic.

**

He’s a huge fan of slasher films. Xiao Zhan can eat while watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But at the moment, as he holds Yibo’s hand, he stands horror-stricken while the doctor slices through layers of Yibo’s stomach.

“Don’t faint, Zhan-ge.”

His boyfriend didn’t want to be asleep when they finally get Jia out of him so they opted for the anaesthesia that would only numb him from the waist down.

“Yeah—no, I think I will.”

“Too late,” Yibo casually says as if he’s not literally being cut open.

“Alright,” the doctor looks at them, “I will be cutting the amniotic sac now. There might be some pulling sensation when I take the baby out but it’s fine, don’t be scared, you still won’t feel any pain. After that, Mr. Xiao can cut the cord.”

Xiao Zhan is already crying, and Yibo whines because he can’t see below his stomach. Once the sac is open, a nurse suctions the fluid first and Xiao Zhan would actually faint if not for Yibo tugging on his hand.

With utmost care, the doctor pulls out their baby—head first, then the shoulders, and soon Jia is slipping out and wailing with her small mouth, tight fists flailing.

Now they’re both weeping. Xiao Zhan shakily cuts the cord and puts the scissor down before hugging Yibo, kissing his face and telling him how beautiful their baby is.

“Congratulations Mr. Xiao, Mr. Wang. You both did well making a perfect baby.”

“Bet she looks like a soggy potato, doctor. Don’t lie.”

Chuckling through his tears, Xiao Zhan takes the now clean and bundled up Jia from the nurse and rocks her as she cries whilst Yibo is getting stitched up.

“Taking after your papa, I see. So noisy…” Then he sits down to place their daughter next to Yibo who’s desperately blinking the tears away so he can look at the little angel clearly. “Our little Pterodactyl.”

Yibo hugs their baby loosely to his side, sniffling. He’s never been happier. Their family is finally complete. “Baby. Shh… You hear me? You hear papa? Can you recognize me? Yup, I’m the one who kept talking about motorcycles to you. I’ll let you race if that’s what you want when you grow up, but if not, that’s cool too. Ah, what am I saying? You just crawled out of me 10 minutes ago.”

The newborn wails even louder, bringing smiles to everyone’s faces.

“Are you crying because you’ve been evicted from papa’s baby house? Don’t worry. Dada Zhan got you a nice crib and it’s so much better and really comfy. You have lotsa pillows.”

Xiao Zhan drops a kiss on Yibo’s head. “I’m so glad I’m here with you. That it’s with you.”

“Me too, Zhan-ge. If it’s not with you, I will never be here anyway.”

When Yibo’s patched up, ready to be transferred to the recovery room where he will be observed by a nurse for a couple of hours, they borrow Jia from them as she needs to be in the nursery for a while. They promise to return her once Yibo’s already in his private room for their first father and daughter bond.

Sad to be separated from his daughter, Yibo pecks the tiny baby’s head and lets Xiao Zhan hand her over. Watching her leave breaks his heart. He misses the loud baby already. At least they’ll meet again shortly.

For now he needs to sleep. He really, really needs to sleep because they will be losing lots of it once they get home.

Yibo shoves it at the back of his mind. Not the time to worry about that. He’s just relieved he’s done being pregnant.

Two hours. Jia only lets them sleep for two hours before she’s up and crying again, possibly waking even the vampires who’ve been hibernating.

“Zhan-ge, can you please get her?”

Groggily, Xiao Zhan walks over to the crib and lifts its cover to scoop the babe. Four weeks since her birth, they haven’t had a full 8 hours of sleep because she wakes up a few times in the middle of the night.

He gives her to Yibo then fetches her milk bottle, shaking it well as he sits next to them. “Princess, you’re going to turn us into Pandas soon.”

Jia eagerly sucks on the bottle’s teat, no fucks given to her parents.

“When will she stop waking us up like this?”

“In 8 weeks, I think.”

“Oh, God.”

Yibo scoffs, holding the bottle for her. “Stop being so dramatic. You wanted this, Zhan-ge. You put this baby in me so you must suffer the consequences.”

He grins and smooches the younger’s shoulder. “Are we still on for the aquarium tomorrow? Later, technically. Since you might want to sleep in.”

“Still on. Can’t miss out on meeting sea animals with our Jia for the first time. The bag is ready, right? She might poop there.”

As if fucking with them, a foul smell suddenly wafts all over the bedroom.

“Well—here you go! It’s your turn!”

Xiao Zhan inwardly sobs as he takes Jia to the changing table at the side. “Okay, you party pooper. At this rate, we’re going to have to buy the whole diaper factory.  Or better yet, we should live in it.”

The stench is so strong that Jianguo hisses and flees to the living room. Meanwhile, Yibo opens the windows to air it out.

Disposing of the rolled up diaper into the bin, Xiao Zhan then thoroughly cleans the baby’s butt with gentle wet wipes.

“Now, why are you grinning?” He squints at the happy infant. “You like it when I gag from how stinky you are?”

She only smiles wider, spit bubbling. The doctor said it’s just a reflex, and that she’s not actually smiling at them, but Xiao Zhan still plays along.

Yibo gets a new diaper and helps slip it on when she’s finally free of poop. “Do you know that only about 11 percent of babies in the whole world can actually smile at two weeks old? When babies smile a lot, it means they know they’re in a safe environment with people who will provide for their needs.”

“Jia is happy with us, then?”

“We’ll know when she turns six months old. But with you as her Dada, it’s impossible to not be a happy baby.”

“She’ll also be happy because she has you. You were so strong, carrying her for 9 months. Making so many sacrifices for her that I lost count.”

“We’re not counting anything, Zhan-ge.” Yibo sprays their hands with alcohol, smiling softly at him. “The fact that we’re both here for her is what matters.”

Osaka’s Kaiyukan was the world’s largest aquarium when it first opened. Known for its innovative presentation, it has 15 large tanks recreating the regions of the pacific rim. Aside from the large number of different marine species, the building also resembles a giant block of Legos so to Yibo, it’s heaven on earth.

This 9 meter-deep and 34 meter-long tank before them is the “Pacific Ocean,” the aquarium’s centrepiece. Fascinated, Yibo nearly pastes his face onto the glass as whale sharks swim in 5.4k tons of water.

“Look, Jia.” Xiao Zhan points to the whale shark. “It’s not scary, right? Dada will fight it if tries to—oh, you’re asleep. Haha. Okay, that’s good. Don’t cry or else we’ll be forced to leave right now.”

The baby drools on his chest, comfortably napping in the carrier.

“Zhan-ge, how did they get the whale sharks in there?”

“They carried it from the ocean.”

“Wow, such a smart answer. I wouldn’t have thought of that. Anyway, will they release them back to the ocean someday? I hope so. This is really cool but since it’s not their natural habitat, it must be a little stressful.”

“Still better than SeaWorld.”

“I know, right? The pool is so small and—” Yibo stops talking, looking at something over his shoulder.

Two girls timidly approach holding their phones. Xiao Zhan can tell they’re Japanese, but there’s a look of recognition on their faces as they near him.

“Excuse me,” one of them says in English. “Are you Xiao Zhan?”

“Oh—um, yes.” He decided not to wear a mask, figuring he’s practically not a celebrity anymore.  There hasn’t been anyone coming up to him claiming to be a fan or knowing who he is since moving to Japan, so he stopped bothering after a month. It’s either they respect his personal space, something he wished people back in his home country did, or his influence just didn’t reach that far and wide.

“Can we please take a picture with you?”

He looks at Jia.

Realizing who he’s with, the girls apologize. His influence doesn’t reach that far and wide, but those who know him certainly know why he’s here and not in China.

Xiao Zhan smiles and gives Jia to Yibo for a second so he can let the girls take a picture with him. They don’t want stolen pictures of Jia spreading all over the internet unless they’re the ones posting.

“Phew, it’s been a while since I was asked for pictures nicely,” he says when the girls leave, taking Jia from his boyfriend again. “To be honest, I expected foreign fans to board the hate train, too. It won’t be shocking.”

Yibo shrugs. “Japan is the home of gays. Ever heard of those Yaoi mangas? Of course, they’re gonna like you here.”

“I thought they wanted to take a picture with you, too.”

“But I’m not a celebrity.”

“They turned you into one 6 months ago.”

Wanting to make the most out of their two hour-visit, they take pictures at each tank and joins in feeding the river otters at the “Japan Forest.”

Yibo leads them back to the Monterey Tank, his favorite out of all, because he didn’t get to take a selfie with one of the sea lions. “Zhan-ge, stand behind me since you’re taller. There, there! A sea lion is swimming over—one, two, three!” He zooms into the picture and grins. “Look, it’s smiling—”

“Will you marry me?”

Xiao Zhan stifles his laughter as Yibo goggles at him.

“…”

“Did you not hear? I said, will you marry me?”

“Zhan-ge…”

He looks around the crowded aquarium and scratches the side of his mouth, chuckling briefly. Jia stays asleep on his chest, oblivious to her Dada’s proposal. “I thought there wouldn’t be too many people and it’s embarrassing to get down on one knee, so… Will you marry me?”

Yibo wets his chapped lips, gripping his phone so that it won’t be too obvious that he’s trembling. “What if I say no?”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. You’re gonna cry if I say no, Zhan-ge. But yes, of course. I’ll marry you.” Yibo nonchalantly snorts to take the attention off his misty eyes. “What the hell. You think I’d say no?”

“I just really want to hear you say yes,” Xiao Zhan whispers and fishes the tiny box out of his coat, and slips the ring on Yibo’s finger.

He’s engaged to Wang Yibo. Unbelievable. Putting the ring on the other’s finger was just one of his unspoken fantasies.

Yibo looks at the silver band, absolutely enthralled. “Wow. I’m engaged to Zhan-ge. I’m engaged to my biggest crush. But aren’t you supposed to have a ring, too?”

He tugs the necklace out of his shirt.

“What—how did I not notice that?”

“Because I only wore it today and I hid it in the book shelf. You never touch my books.”

“Holy shit.”

Xiao Zhan tips Yibo’s chin with a finger and stamps a quick kiss on his lips. “I love you.”

“I love you more. And Jia. And Jianguo, too. Let’s go home? We gotta tell the cat we’re getting married.”

This overpowering feeling can’t be described in detail. For the lack of better imagery, he’s over the moon. He’s one of the stars Yibo had hung in the sky. They’ll shine together, for all nights to come, for life. Hand in hand, they will never lose their light.

X玖少年团肖战DAYTOY

[ Image: A polaroid shot of Xiao Zhan and Yibo sitting on the couch, smiles dazzling. On Yibo’s lap, Jia sits wearing one of her animal onesies, hands in mittens, tiny feet warmed with red and green striped socks. A flower emoji covers the lower half of her face. Jianguo stretching in Xiao Zhan’s arms. ]

[ Caption: ] “Love and life, they are made of this.”

Comments:

宣璐 (Xuan Lu): OH MY GOOOOOOOOD MY NIECE! PLEASE LET ME SEE MY NIECE SOON

陈飞宇Arthur (Feiyu): Three cute things! Yibo, baby princess, and the kitty! ^_^ The other one, however…

X玖少年团肖战DAYTOY: @陈飞宇Arthur, “the other one” = fiancé?

YMH1837MLT (Agent Yang): Beautiful family! Looking forward to @TR王一博85 back on track : )

**

Snow drizzles sparingly, blanketing rooftops and windowsills.

“Will you sign with Yamaha again?”

Yibo stacks another block on his Lego house, holding Jia up on his thigh with a hand on her torso. Spits coats her fist as she sucks on it like a lollipop. “Are we going back? I really love it here.” Osaka had been nothing but cordial to them. “…But I miss riding too. I wonder what happened to my bikes. If they got sold.”

“We’ll get you a new one.”

He looks at Xiao Zhan, the latter lying on his side bookmarking a novel with his thumb. “Will you watch me race?”

If love could be summarized through a gaze, Xiao Zhan has already written its synopsis.

“I always will.”

“And raise a Puppy Bobo banner?”

“I’ll even make it myself.”

“…I’ll think about it.”

Yibo tops his Lego house with a black block and turns to the windows, overlooking the wondrous night panorama. “Zhan-ge, I actually dreamed of this once. There, you were reading on the couch and I was on the floor with our baby with Lego blocks around us. It’s like déjà vu.”

His fiancé transfers to the floor then, joining him and Jia. “I hope you wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Trials had attempted to thwart them but here they are, living an incomparable dream, with nothing to set them back.

“I want to watch many snowfalls with you.”

“Together,” Xiao Zhan picks up a Lego man and sits it right in front of the house, where another Lego man pushes a stroller with a Lego baby.

Together. And never to part again.

If Yibo’s life were to freeze right this moment, he’d have nothing to complain about. People are waiting for him to race, he has Xiao Zhan and Jia and Jianguo, he has friends endlessly supporting him.

If his life were to freeze suddenly, he would be well pleased and content.

One could open his book and find this highlighted.

His defining glory.