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‘Children’ are a concept well established within the minds of the humans of today. People tend to have at least a general idea of how they work, or think they do. They were children at some point themselves after all, and that can give confidence to a person even if the specifics are a bit blurry.
Just a handful of years after Creation, two humans, one angel, and one demon are working off a more improvised system.
"Now, surely we can be reasonable!"
The post-fetal human continues to scream from the pile of furs they've been placed in.
"My dear, I do realize this all must be terribly confusing. You should have seen me on my creation day! Completely bamboozled, if I had been created with as little control of my physical form as you I am quite sure that I would have wanted to scream too." The human continues to shriek and Aziraphale feels their own eyes stinging as they wring their hands uselessly. They thought that they’d be able to do this. With a final sniff they come to the gloomy conclusion that they need to bring out the big guns. “Craaaaaaaaaawly!”
Crawly slams into the side of the cave entrance with a thump before scrambling into the cave itself. “YES, what? I’m here! Are you ok, is Cain ok?”
Aziraphale looks at Crawly with full eyes and a wobbly lip and points at Cain, who is still wailing.
Crawly’s blinks rapidly, somehow looking more panicked than before. “Have, um…” Crawly turns to the baby. “Hey, uh, well, listen. I know you can’t talk yet.” Crawly turns to Aziraphale and hisses. “They can’t talk yet right? Your pamphlet said that.”
Aziraphale nods, still sniffing.
Crawly snaps their fingers in triumph. “That must be it then! If you couldn’t communicate or really move around you’d be frustrated too, right?” Crawly doesn’t wait for an answer. “So it’s up to us to figure out what’s wrong.” They frown. “This would be easier if Adam or Eve weren’t on the fields today, they’re human, they should know these things.”
Aziraphale hums and then starts listing human needs. “Food, water, temperature regulation, an intact and healthy corpus, a periodically clean corpus to maintain that health.” They consider. “Though I suppose for a new human food and water is mammary gland secretions.” Aziraphale throws their hands up in the air. “But Eve just fed them, I have cleaned them of all human excreations, and their corpus appears unharmed!”
Crawly chews their lip and then snaps again. “Cold! Maybe they’re cold.” Ever so gently Crawly picks Cain up, making sure to support their neck. Offering the baby to Aziraphale Crowley’s smile is somewhere between panicked and hopeful. “Here, you’re warmer. Hold them.”
Aziraphale accepts the baby gingerly, wincing at the volume. Cautiously supporting the infant's rear end and laying them on a shoulder the angel attempts to stay as still as possible so as not to upset them more than they already are.
“Put them in your robe!” Crawly encourages.
Looking at Crawly with wide, terrified eyes, Aziraphale does as instructed, wrestling the infant down the front of their robe through the neck hole until only the baby’s head is poking out. Aziraphale continues to stare at Crawly, hands on the baby’s back and bum, the question of what to do next clear on their face.
“Ummm.” Crawly considers. “Sit in the furrs! I’ll put a blanket on you!”
Aziraphale complies and Crawly dutifully drapes a blanket over them both.
The baby continues to wail.
Crawly throws their hands in the air. “That’s all I got!”
Aziraphale pats the baby through the robe, sniffing.
Crawly sits next to them both and pats the angel on the back consolingly. “How about I bring my sheep bits in here and we wait it out?”
Aziraphale nods and Crawly hops up to get their work.
Eventually Cain quiets and falls asleep, and both angel and demon sigh in relief.
***
It turns out random bouts of crying are a regular thing with Cain. Sometimes there’s a reason, they’re hungry, they’ve soiled themself, or they need to release some form of gas or spit up — sometimes there’s not.
As they get bigger the reasons for crying become clearer, and much more dangerous as they start being able to move independently and situations arise such as the baby wanting to put everything in their mouth.
The four adults start to get the hang of it though. Cain is a high maintenance creature but the toddler does have their own strange form of internal consistency.
Then Abel is born and the whole thing starts all over again.
The children grow, toddling around and making noises that don’t quite count as speech.
“I don’t understand it.” Eve is bouncing Abel gently, a movement that Crawly had discovered helps keep the toddler calm.
“Hmm?” Aziraphale asks, distracted by the piece of slate they’re attempting to sharpen.
“I mean they can make noises that are kind of like speech now right? Why aren’t they talking?”
Aziraphale’s brow creases. “You know, my pamphlets haven’t actually explained that.” The rocks scrape against each other. “Crawly thinks that Cain has been saying words, they’re just a tad garbled.”
Eve snorts. “A tad seems like an understatement, but I know what they mean.” She considers for a moment. “It seems like they’re trying to repeat stuff they hear. But, they’re not actually, you know, communicating.”
Aziraphale hums. “You know, parrots can do that. I read about it.”
They sit in silence for a minute before Eve pipes up again. “Are they like the animals then? I mean -”Eve makes a frustrated sound. “Are they people? I know we thought they were because they’re human but… they don’t know stuff like we do. Crawly said they’re learning stuff and I can tell when they’re happy or upset and I love them, but...” She shrugs, looking troubled.
Aziraphale blinks. It’s a good question. “I think they, well, I thought they were supposed to be people, yes.” Aziraphale wishes Crawly was here, the demon is so much better at abstract thought. “I suppose something could have gone wrong or, or maybe, or maybe they are just a different kind of people?” Aziraphale’s voice lilts up at the end, unsure.
Eve’s eyes are bright and interested though, it makes Aziraphale feel a mix of panic and pride at being able to take part in Eve and Crawly’s kind of thinking. They rush on hoping they don’t sound like a fool. “Er, it’s just. Maybe we are the ones who aren’t people.”
Eve grins, clearly excited. “What do you mean?”
Aziraphale flushes, trying to scramble their thoughts together to make some kind of sense. “Well it’s just, well you see in Heaven -” they put the slate down for a minute to wring their hands together. “I’m sure Crawly knows more about it because they used to be on the engineering side of things, but when the teams are making a-a new chemical, or particle or some such, they make several trial runs first. A few versions to see which one will work better. And it normally takes a few tries so -” Aziraphale gestures to themself and then Eve. “Angels, and you and Adam, maybe we’re the trial runs, and little Cain and Abel are a new test, or the final product.” Aziraphale trails off looking at the ground. “Oh dear, that probably makes no sense.”
“No.” Eve’s voice is firm and her eyes are still warm and bright when Aziraphale chances a look at her. “It’s a good theory, I like it.”
Things are quiet and Aziraphale has started to work with the rocks again when Eve pipes up again.
“Ok but what if they don’t have immortal souls yet and they only get souls when they get big, maybe the souls don’t fit!”
****
Eve’s theory is discarded and Aziraphale’s more seriously considered by the time Cain is old enough to be babbling excitedly about the world around them.
They’re such a curious, emotional thing. All four adults love them and Abel more every day.
They don’t love the fights.
Cain’s high pitched shrek jerks Aziraphale’s attention back to where the two children are supposed to be playing. Rushing over the angel quickly inspects the children, looking for any injuries. The children are unhurt but the problem is easy enough to spot in the broken toy in Abel’s small hands.
The toys had been Crowley’s idea, when Cain started showing the adults various rocks and twigs and declaring them to be animals or people Crowley had started creating small figures that more closely resembled what Cain was seeing. The one broken in Abel’s hands is an approximation of a sheep that Adam had made out of a small chunk of wood.
Clucking their tongue Aziraphale gently takes the broken toy from Abel who is quickly looking upset as well. “It’s ok dearheart, I’m sure we can find some way to fix it.”
Cain continues to scream, hitting Abel’s arm with one small balled fist. Aziraphale yelps and scoops Cain up, away from their sibling who has started to wail as well. “None of that! Nice hands only! Abel didn’t mean to break it.”
Cain quiet’s down a bit but continues to cry. “He did! He did! He ruins everything!” Cain frequently seems to flip between being sweet and a little condescending to their sibling, trying to show Abel exciting new facts and toys, and absolutely hating the other child’s guts. ‘Nice hands only’ is a well worn scold from each parent.
“Shh shh shh, it will be alright.” Aziraphale looks down helplessly at the sobbing Abel on the ground, wishing they had another parent around to take the second child so the boys could have some separate time to calm down. Aziraphale knows from experience that trying to resolve the issue while the children are this upset will only result in more screaming. Sitting on the ground so Abel can tottle over and cling to Aziraphale’s other side, Aziraphale continues to make nonsense shushing noises until the crying quiets down a bit. “Now, I’m sure we can work this out, what happened?”
Cain lets out a frustrated huff, words coming out in a somewhat confusing babble that Aziraphale does their best to piece together. “That one wasn’t his! It wasn’t his! I let him touch it and he —“ Cain hiccups on another sob. “It’s dead now, dead dead dead!”
Abel’s face crumples further and he presses it into Aziraphale’s robes. “M’ sorry”
Aziraphale hums, mulling over the issue. “I see. Abel, did you mean to break Cain’s toy?
Abel shakes his head, still pressed to Aziraphale’s robe. Aziraphale rubs the boy’s back.
Aziraphale hums. “So it was a mistake?”
Abel nods against Aziraphale’s robes and then peaks at Cain. “M’ sorry.”
Aziraphale looks at Cain. “Can you accept his apology? We all make mistakes sometimes.”
Cain let’s out another frustrated huff but nods.
Aziraphale smiles. “Thank you. And can you apologize for hitting him? That wasn’t very nice, you wouldn’t like that if he did that to you.”
Cain is silent for a long moment and Aziraphale half expects him to say no, which he does sometimes. Instead he puts his own face in Aziraphale’s robe and quietly, “I’m sorry.”
Relieved that the issue seems to be mostly resolved Aziraphale looks down at the broken toy. “And what would you like to do with this? We can try to fix it, or ask Adam to make a new one?”
Cain shakes his head, small face determined. “No, it's dead now. We need to skin and eat it.”
Aziraphale blinks, squinting at Cain’s face and then back down at the small, very inedible, toy. “Ah. I see.”
And so Aziraphale spends the next half an hour pretending to skin, cook, and eat a small wooden sheep.