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At the end of the world—or at least at the battle to keep it from ending, no one ever expects to fall in love. Inside one of PPDC’s Shatterdome, no one has time for that—especially not Hermann. There are programs to be upgraded, Jaegers to be improved, and predictive models to compute. The clock mocks them overhead for the simple fact that time is slowly running out.
So, it was a surprise to Hermann when he did find love—and marry during the apocalypse. Vanessa, gentle and understanding, quick-witted, and never backs down when challenged. He supposes it was a whirlwind romance—two people finally meeting their match, sparks fly, and they both thought that their affection for each other would last.
Well, Hermann was certain that his will. The time and distance never bothered him and he thought it was the same for his wife. Once again, it was a surprise to him when the divorce papers came in.
A sudden bout of cough shook his entire body and produce a petal from his mouth. A small, inconspicuous, pink petal—from a flowering plant that he has no idea what. It looked so harmless, and dare he says it, pretty—as pretty as Vanessa.
He slumped forward on the sink of his bathroom. He’s heard it from Newton, he’d read it from a scientific journal—he knows what it is. It’s the new disease that has been spreading around a year after the first Kaiju attack. The Hanahaki Disease. The love disease, he mentally sighed.
Upon first hearing it, he didn’t pay it any mind. He thought that it was just some medical inaccuracy that will be corrected in time. But, throughout the war, it seems that Hanahaki disease is here to stay.
It is still a medical mystery. How can experiencing unrequited love cause a person to start hacking flower petals? No one can answer that question—but Newton surely has some theories. There hasn’t been any cure—well, except finding out that the unrequited love isn’t unrequited. Hermann haughtily pointed out that whoever thought of creating the disease must be a fan of Disney—he got Newton laughing after saying that.
And, also getting the roots surgically removed. Those who had undergone the surgery had reported feeling apathetic towards the person they once were in love with. Some move on to finding better love and some find themselves falling for the same person and needing to get the surgery again.
The fear of not feeling for the person they once love scares most people from getting the surgery. While some had it set on their minds that they would rather die than not feel the love they are feeling. Hopeless romantics, he had once muttered under his breath.
It got Newton turning to him with his brows raised. “So, if it happens to you, you’d get the surgery?”
“In a heartbeat.” Hermann sniffed, turning towards Newton’s contemplative gaze. “I’m guessing you’d rather die with the feeling?”
Newton shrugged his shoulders. “I just can’t wrap my head around looking at the person I love and not be in love, you know.”
Hermann shook his head. “Let’s pray that you don’t catch this disease, then.”
It’s a no-brainer to Hermann—he did say in a heartbeat.
He went to the infirmary and scheduled the surgery for himself. He’s thankful that the medical professionals inside the Shatterdome are discreet and professional. Hermann didn’t receive a single pitying look and for that he was thankful. He was told that he should have someone with him at least for a day after the surgery—and despite their bickering, he trusts Newton to keep his mouth shut on things that truly matter.
Hermann saw Newton pause midway dissecting a new Kaiju sample, straighten himself, and stare at Hermann. “Wait—aren’t you married?” Newton sounded…confused.
“Soon to be a divorcé.” He answered simply, even going as far to give a little shoulder shrug to appear as if he isn’t as affected as he is. He doesn’t want nor need pity from Newton.
“Oh.” Newton unhelpfully breathed out. He’s staring at Hermann with the kind of emotion that Hermann can’t quite place—though he is thankful that it isn’t pity. “Sure, man. I’ll be there.” He kept his voice light as if he isn’t doing Hermann a favor. “But, you better listen to your doctor—if not, I’m not above tying you to the bed.”
Hermann rolled his eyes at that, he won’t express just how much he appreciates the gesture. But between him and Newton, sometimes words are not needed.
The surgery went on without a hitch. He woke up in one of the beds in the infirmary and Newton was already there—reading. Newton looked up just in time, he closed the book and scooted closer to Hermann.
“How are you feeling?” Newton’s question came in a form of a whisper.
Hermann inhaled deeply. He isn’t sure if there is much difference, to be honest. He didn’t let the disease fester inside of him. The only time he started hacking up flower petals was when he’s reminded of Vanessa and their impending divorce.
“I’d know better once I sign the divorce papers.” Newton looked a bit pouty at the answer.
It made Hermann frown just a little. He’s not sure why Newton is making that face. Well, he supposes that they are friends—under all that rivalry…thing they have going on.
“You don’t have to be upset on my behalf.” He said to Newton—his eyes sliding shut. Hermann heard Newton snort a laugh before he fall off to sleep.
A day after Hermann was released—Newton making sure that he isn’t overexerting himself, he sat down inside his bunker with the divorce papers in hand. He didn’t feel any tickling sensation at the base of his throat. Though, he mentioned to Newton that his chest felt cold—the kind of cold that spreads throughout the tips of his fingers.
Newton gazed at him for a moment before speaking. “I—I think you shouldn’t talk to her for a while.”
Hermann understood all the words that weren’t said.
Moving on—Hermann never thought of it as an active process. At least, not something that can be forced. He thinks that people can occupy their minds as best as they could, but at the end of the day, there are thoughts that will always linger.
He never told Newton that he still thinks of Vanesa even when he did limit his communication with her. Hermann can only police so much of his thoughts before it circles back to the person he once loved. Thinking about Vanesa felt inevitable—just like him falling for her and just like her not being able to stay with him.
Hermann was resigned to constantly thinking about Vanesa and being careful in talking to her and about her. He doesn’t want to force himself to move on. Not only does he think it is a waste of time with everything that is happening around them, but there are also very few people inside the Shatterdome who would even consider dating him.
So, it wasn’t such a surprise when his older brother called and told Hermann of his engagement. It makes sense to Hermann for Vanesa to fall for Dietrich. His older brother had always been the kind one—the softer Gottlieb that could charm the ladies. Hermann knows that Vanesa will be well-cared for and he doesn’t feel any negative emotion for the engagement.
Though, even saying that he wishes the couple well Dietrich still apologized to him. And, even when Hermann isn’t jealous and quite happy for Vanesa and Dietrich, he still coughed up pink petals after the phone call. He sighed as he collected the petals—it’s more than he coughed out the first time that it got him thinking that Hanahaki will never make much sense to him.
He scheduled another surgery, the nurse paused for a moment to stare at him. It’s only been a year since he had undergone his first Hanahaki surgery. There still isn’t any judgment on the medical professional’s face but there certainly was worry. Still, they kept their mouth shut and told Hermann to bring a friend that will stay with him for a whole day after the surgery.
Hermann walked to the shared laboratory at a sedate pace. Newton was already puttering there with a manic energy that just oozes out of his every pore. It lets Hermann know that Newton didn’t have a good night's sleep.
“Newton.” He called out to the other man and watched as he whipped around to stare at Hermann. “Would you mind accompanying me inside the infirmary for a day?”
“Yeah, sure, buddy,” Newton said easily. “Is it physical check-up season already?” Newton asked himself absent-mindedly, going through some beakers and glass cylinders containing Kaiju samples. “I swear I just got checked-up.” The last sentence was said more to himself than Hermann
“Yes, you’ve already done your check-up,” Hermann confirmed. “This is actually for another matter.” Newton just looked at him, not comprehending what he is saying. “I need to get the roots of the flowers off my chest—again.”
Newton’s eyes were bug-eyed wide at him. Then, it turned incredibly—ridiculously, soft. His expression of surprise became one of worry. Hermann could only imagine the thoughts running through his head. “I didn’t know you were dating anyone.”
Oh, another thing he’s going to have to tell Newton, he thought to himself. “I’m not.” Newton’s eyebrows furrowed. He cleared his throat. “Vanesa’s engaged—to my brother.”
“What the fuck?” Newton sounded indignant.
Hermann already knows it’s on his behalf, he can’t help but roll his eyes at the other man. “I’m quite happy for them.” He said. “I know Dietrich would cherish her.”
Newton stared at Hermann. It shouldn’t make him uncomfortable anymore due to how long they have known each other—but it still does. Newton always stares at him as if he’s trying to understand what is going on inside Hermann’s head. He should be thankful for it—most of the time he is, this is just a…vulnerable moment for him. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s being put under a microscope.
Newton ran a hand over his hair, further messing it. He must have seen something in Hermann for his shoulders to slump. “Well, buddy, you know I’d be there. Do you have any request on what book I should bring?” Hermann let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
The day of the surgery arrived—just like the first one, it went smoothly. Though, the doctor wanted to keep him longer than the first time. Hermann voiced out that he has a lot of work to do but Newton was quick to remind him that he is willing to use force to make sure that Hermann would take it easy while he recovers. The doctor looked amused by that.
Hermann woke up once again, he saw Newton reading something from a tablet. The biologist was chewing on his thumb as he focuses. “What are you reading?” Hermann’s voice was raspy and Newton was quick to get him a glass of water.
Newton looked unsure as he put the glass down on the bedside table. With a sigh, Newton decided to tell Hermann. “I’m reading up on the latest Hanahaki studies.” He sounded sheepish in admitting. “The doctor said something about how recurring surgeries on the lungs can weaken its integrity.”
“You must think that I’m a fool.” His voice was quiet.
“Not at all.” Newton locked the tablet and leaned back on the chair he’s sitting on, keeping his eyes on Hermann. “I—I think you’re…incredible—“
Hermann scoffed at that.
“Hey.” Newton chided. “You can choose to believe me or not but I’m going to speak my mind.” He paused. “I think it is very rare to find someone who…loves as much and as deep as you. And, I hate that this disease is doing this to you. You should be free to love who you want to love no matter if they love you back or not.” Newton sighed. “Unrequited love tragic enough as it is—it doesn’t have to be fatal, too.”
Hermann agrees with Newton’s last statement—he wasn’t sure about the rest though.
Once Hermann could stay awake for long periods after his surgery, the doctor discussed with him the damage done by getting two Hanahaki surgeries with a span of a year between the two. Hermann knows that he’s going to have to do a better job at policing his thoughts. It is now imperative for him to not think of Vanesa.
Nine months after Hermann’s surgery, he received a wedding invitation. Opening it, he saw Dietrich’s name and Vanesa’s. The cough that bubbled through his throat caught him off guard.
Hermann had made sure to occupy his mind whenever his mind started drifting to thoughts about Vanesa. He swears he hadn’t been more productive all his life. He had also chosen to stop communicating with his ex-wife altogether. So, why is he still coughing up petals for her?
He was shaking by the time he stopped coughing. He didn’t even notice Newton hurry over to him. Unfolding his handkerchief, he saw that the petals are not only laced with saliva but also blood. This time, Hermann had to sit and think if he should take the surgery or let the disease progress.
“Of course, you’re not going to let Hanahaki beat you,” Newton said to him—just moments ago he was staring at the wedding invitation with a thunderous expression. Hermann is quite thankful for Newton. He never thought that the biologist values him this much. “We have seven PhDs between the two of us. We’ll figure things out.”
“You do realize that we should be focusing on the Kaiju war instead of my Hanahaki.” Hermann felt a tickling sensation just below the Adam’s apple.
Newton rolled his eyes. “I’m pretty sure Stacker would green light any study regarding Hanahaki once he finds out his best mathematician has it.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Hermann said with a mock frown. “I’m his only mathematician.” And, just like that, the tension of their conversation was gone.
While Hermann knows that Newton would support him in finding…a solution for his predicament, he still didn’t expect the fervor of which Newton showed. Newton didn’t neglect his experiments with the Kaiju, he put in the same effort he did before he decided to help Hermann. But, during the after-hours, Newton would stay in the lab—for longer than he did before, to study the disease. The biologist devoured studies after studies regarding Hanahaki, even going as far as reading the progress of the studies from the very start. Newton also didn’t shy away from calling people experts on the subject and calling in favors from people who owe him one way or another.
Hermann had to wonder if this—this chaotic determination is what helped Newton to get six PhDs before he was even in his thirties. He had always known that Newton can be relentless. In their field, in what they are facing now, they have to be. Still, seeing it being focused on something relating to Hermann…there are very few words that Hermann can use to describe the fullness that settled in his stomach.
Besides looking for a solution—of any kind at this point, Newton had also taken it upon himself to be Hermann’s caretaker. The biologist is always there to remind Hermann to take a break, to eat something, to stay hydrated, and drink the damn cough syrup—“I know it tastes bad, dude, but drink it anyway!” Meanwhile, Newton has the gall to stay overnight inside the laboratory, falling asleep in front of his computer.
Hermann stared at his friend for a moment. Newton looks like a complete mess, his hair is sticking in all different directions, he has eye-bags the size of a category three Kaiju, his beard is starting to grow, and he looked like he hasn’t showered for a week. Hermann took it upon himself to hit Newton’s shin with his cane to wake him up.
Newton jumped up to his feet, sending folders of papers flying everywhere. Looking around, he saw that it was only him and Hermann inside the lab. He stared at Hermann with an offended expression. “Herms, you don’t have to be always rough with me, you know.” He scratched his jaw.
“You slept inside the lab—again.” Hermann’s tone was stern. “You keep reminding me to take care of myself, you seem to have forgotten to do the same to yourself.”
At least Newton had it in him to look sheepish.
“We’re going to go to the mess hall, have breakfast, and you’re taking the morning off.”
Newton opened his mouth, an attempt to complain or negotiate—Hermann will never know because his stomach made it known that he needs sustenance.
“Off we go, then.” Hermann leads them both to the mess hall.
Since Hermann didn’t schedule the surgery right away, people inside the Shatterdome now know of his condition. The coughing fit can happen any moment of the day, so Hermann didn’t see the point of keeping it a secret. He had received…stares from PPDC workers, some pity, and some understanding—either way, he tries his best not to let it get to him.
They got a tray of food and settled next to some J-Techs that don’t sneer at Newton because of his tattoos. Newton dive-in the moment they got comfortable on their seats. Hermann shook his head slightly at the sight of the biologist shoveling food inside his mouth like it’s going to be taken from him.
Hermann felt a familiar tickling sensation just below his throat. He pulled out his handkerchief, a movement that has been becoming familiar to him over the weeks. He turned his head to the side as he cough onto the piece of cloth.
He won’t say it to Newton but the cough syrup did help. He stared down at his handkerchief, more petals covered in blood. He’s never one to spout poetics but he almost finds it offensive how something so beautiful can be deadly.
Hermann pocketed the handkerchief once again, making a mental reminder to wash it later. He looked up and saw Newton staring at him with unfettered focus. It’s worrying.
“You know what?” Newton started and Hermann merely raised an eyebrow at him to let him know that he is listening. “I think it’s time to go old school in this one.”
“I’m sorry?” Hermann has no idea what Newton is getting at.
“Hermann Gottlieb—“
“Doctor—“
“—get ready to get your patterned socks blown off.” Newton declared with a smile. “I’m going to make you fall in love with me.”
“Fucking finally!” Hermann will deal with Tendo later.
“Have you lost your goddamn mind?” He asked Newton. The reason he’s coughing up petals is that he is in love. How could falling for Newton help him? It’s bloody counterintuitive.
Instead of answering him, Newton just rolled his eyes at Hermann. “Our first date will be tonight. You better get ready.” Newton stood up and picked up his tray. “Wear something…comfortable.” He said before walking away.
“All my clothes are comfortable despite you thinking otherwise.” He hollered out.
Despite the certainty in Newton’s voice, Hermann didn’t quite believe him. He figured it is just one of Newton’s antics to get a reaction from someone. There is no way Newton would think that making him fall in love with him would be a solution, Hermann convinced himself.
His morning inside the laboratory was free from the presence of the biologist. Hermann let himself get lost in his calculations and coding. It is an easy enough thing to do, once he is in front of his blackboard with chalk on hand, everything else becomes background noise. Unless Newton is playing one of his music very loudly, Hermann has no problem focusing.
By afternoon, Newton entered the laboratory. Hermann glanced at him, thinking that he looks well-rested enough. For once he is clean-shaven and is wearing a shirt—clean and crisp but is still wearing one of those tight jeans.
“We’re getting out of here by six—six-thirty latest,” Newton told him pointedly. “Then, we’re heading out for dinner.”
Hermann rolled his eyes at him. “You can’t possibly be serious.” There are just so many…variables that Hermann isn’t even sure if Newton had taken into account before coming up with this harebrained idea. “How are you even going to—to achieve that?”
He’s not trying to be…discouraging—he isn’t. Hermann is…confident enough to admit that Newton once was…someone he thought about in a romantic sense. It didn’t lead to anything due to their disastrous first meeting.
If Hermann learned anything from his relationship with Vanesa, it will be that physical and mental attraction would only get so far. Staying in a relationship is a conscious decision, one must be willing to stay in love with the person—flaws and distance and all. And, if there is one thing Hermann is sure about him and Newton is that they are aware of each other’s flaws. They remind the other almost daily. Them staying together—in the lab that is, is due to funding issues than it being their choice. So, Hermann would like to think his inquiry is a valid one.
Instead of giving him a serious answer, Newton went with his signature nonchalance. It would have infuriated Hermann if he hadn’t seen how much effort Newton had put into finding a solution for his current predicament. “Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.”
Hermann let out a sigh and went back to his blackboard. He thought to himself that perhaps Newton is merely trying to…distract himself to clear his mind. Hermann had done it before, a long walk—despite knowing that he’d suffer for it later, would do him good at times. Maybe that is what Newton needs—a night out of the Shatterdome to refocus.
By six-fifteen, Newton called for his attention. Hermann dutifully packed the box of chalk that he has and tried to dust off the chalk powder on the sleeve of his jacket. When asked if he would like to head back to his room to change clothes, Hermann declined. He’s not trying to make Newton fall for him—and even if he was, there is no point. After all, this is his constant state; browns, grays, navy blues, and hints of chalk dust all over.
Newton leads them out of the Shatterdome, a cab already waiting for them outside. They were taken just at a restaurant at the edge of Bone Slum. Hermann narrowed his eyes slightly at him. Newton shrugged. “It’s not some illegal restaurant or anything.”
Hermann was ushered inside, surprisingly enough, they have a reservation. He’s just about to ask Newton how he managed to do that on such short notice but he stopped himself. Throughout finding a solution for his Hanahaki, Hermann learned that Newton has contacts. It shouldn’t be that surprising that he has ones in Hong Kong despite it not being related to his field. The biologist does spend more time outside of the Shatterdome than himself and, despite his numerous social faux pas, Newton can maintain lasting relationships with other people.
Himself, for example. Yes, they used to fight—now they bicker. Newton has a way of endearing himself to those around him in his…Newton-esque way.
Once they are settled at their table and had ordered, Newton leaned forward on the table. Under the faint light of the restaurant, Hermann noticed Newton’s eyes. He had always thought it was blue—he thought wrong.
“So, Hermann Gottlieb—“
“Doctor—“
“—what do you do?”
Hermann couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips. “We are not pretending to be strangers getting to know each other on their first date.” He said as he tried to control his traitorous lips to behave.
“Oh, come on,” Newton whined but Hermann knows it is just for show. “Herms, that’s the fun part of first dates.”
“We both know it is not.” He raised an eyebrow at Newton. “It is tedious to explain to others my field and I can only imagine how difficult it would be for other people to believe you when you tell them that you have multiple PhDs.”
Newton’s lips curved upward. “Fair enough.”
“Besides, we’ve known the basic matters about each other before we even met.” Hermann pointed out.
“Oh, God.” Newton ran a nervous hand over his head. “Don’t remind me—I was trying so hard. It was embarrassing.”
Hermann inelegantly snorted a laugh. He’d be self-conscious if he was with anyone else. “Well, you certainly proved that you can humiliate me.” Hermann had long been over how they first met, still, he’s only human, and humiliation is one of the things he prided himself not to fall prey of.
Newton grimaced. “Yea, I—“he stopped himself. Looking at his expression, there is something in it that Hermann couldn’t quite define. “It wasn’t my intention to humiliate you.”
Hermann knows that now—knew it when he started to get to know Newton better, but he kept quiet, sensing that the other man has more to say.
“I was never good at a first impression and I wanted to…impress you so bad that it just—it backfired badly.” He sighed. “That—combined with my…brand of tact.”
“You rarely have tact.” He said it in good humor then added in a more serious tone. “I wasn’t prepared for my theory to be gutted the way it was. And, whenever I’m taken aback, I get defensive—too defensive that I attack.”
Their food arrived and it felt just like any other time they have shared a meal. Well, almost. Hermann couldn’t quite put a finger on whatever change there is—if there is even one. Though, Hermann would admit that he had fun. Their discussion jumped from one topic to another and Hermann would often find himself laughing at Newton’s antics.
Once they were back in the Shatterdome, Newton walked him to his bunker. Hermann rolled his eyes at being reminded that they were out on a date. “You’re not going to kiss me goodnight.” He said to Newton.
“Hey, I’m a complete gentleman,” Newton said to him with conviction. “I don’t go around kissing people who don’t want to be kissed.”
“Well, I suppose you’ll never kiss me.”
Newton smiled at him, eyes bright behind his glasses. “That’s okay.” He said—and Hermann can tell that he means it. “Kisses are not a requirement in falling in love.”
Hermann has no quip to that.
“Good night, Hermann.” Newton started making his way to his room.
Hermann closed the door, looked around for a moment before getting ready for bed. He changed into his nightwear, his eyes caught the wedding invitation. Hermann let a coughing fit wreck his body.
Hermann finally accepted the fact that Newton is serious in his endeavor of making Hermann fall in love with him. While Newton kept criticizing Hermann’s work and still doesn’t easily back down in defending his own, Newton was also—gentler in treating Hermann outside of the laboratory. Well, no—not gentle that would mean that Newton saw him as someone fragile and Hermann knows that Newton doesn’t at all see him that way.
Newton is just—for the lack of a better word, sweeter. He stands and walks just a little closer, he gives Hermann more smiles and treats Hermann the way a person would their significant other. Newton also made sure that they’d go on…dates. So far, they’ve gone out five times and stayed in Newton’s bunker to watch a movie three times.
Hermann would still experience coughing fits that would lead to petals being spewed from his mouth. Though, he did notice that it became few and far in between. The worse one was when his sister called to remind him of Dietrich’s upcoming nuptials.
When Newton asked if he’s going to the wedding, Hermann answered that even if he did want to—he needs to focus on figuring out the next Kaiju attack. Newton nodded at him, saying something about sending his brother a wedding gift—then Hermann started coughing.
Newton was quick to be by his side, handing him tissue papers and rubbing his back to ease his hacking of petals. A part of Hermann appreciates how Newton doesn’t make him shy away from it all. The biologist would have a pinched look on his face but he’d never try to force Hermann into not thinking about Vanesa—though he would offer distractions. Hermann supposes Newton would never let him live a life in denial even if it means he’d be coughing up blood now and then. There’s…undeniable honor in that.
They sat next to each other on the lumpy sofa that Tendo got for their laboratory. Hermann didn’t comment on Newton’s hold on his hand. It’s becoming more frequent and Hermann…isn’t going to complain about it. Newton’s hands are a touch callous but he’s gentle in his touch. Hermann supposes he has to be whenever he handles his Kaiju samples.
Newton hummed. “I was going to surprise you tonight.” He started talking as Hermann catches his breath. “I made a reservation in a restaurant close to a garden. I figured we could take a stroll after dinner. I know you like walking around to clear your mind—this time you’d be able to do that with a fantastic view.”
Hermann inhaled deeply, chest feeling a little lighter. “That sounds lovely, Newton. What time are we heading out?”
“The reservation is at eight,” Newton told him, a little smile playing on his lips. “I’d set an alarm for five-forty-five, that way we’d be out of here six on the dot. We’d have one hour to get ready, a ride will be waiting for us at seven.” Hermann honestly doesn’t have any idea how Newton manages to make plans for their dates. They spend most of their free time together and Hermann hadn’t once seen Newton trying to be sneaky around him.
It’s all so puzzling for him. Hermann understands why Newton would help him in finding out a solution to free him from the disease. But, to go through the lengths he is going through now, doesn’t make much sense in Hermann’s mind.
Newton has nothing to gain in saving Hermann from the inevitable end once the disease takes its course. Well, he’ll be alone in the lab, doing a job that is meant for a whole department, and would have no idea when the next Kaiju attack would be. But, aside from mathematical contributions, Hermann can give in this trying time, he has nothing else to offer Newton.
It also makes Hermann wonder how Newton can be so certain that making Hermann fall in love with him would be a solution.
Newton’s alarm reminded them of the time, they started cleaning up their workstations. Newton told him that he’d be picking up Hermann by the door of his bunker, because—“it’s how dates go, Herms.” Then, Newton proceeded to tell him that he should wear something semi-formal. Hermann made a quip about Newton’s fashion choices and only got a smirk in return. Now, he is curious.
Hermann chose a grey suit with a black button-up shirt. He foregoes the tie, he isn’t comfortable with one anyway. Looking at himself in the mirror, he hesitated for a moment before fixing his hair. He kept it sleek back—nothing too outrageous.
Hearing a knock on the door, Hermann felt a…funny sensation against his chest. Unlike the dates he had before with Newton, Hermann felt the need to fortify himself before opening the door. There stands Newton, wearing an all-black suit and tie with his hair chaotically styled. Hermann wasn’t aware that Newton have slacks—let alone one that fits him just.
Newton smiled knowingly and Hermann can’t find it in himself to chide the smaller man. “I like what you did with the hair.” Newton complimented him. “You look good.”
“Shall we?”
“We shall.” With that, they started making their way out of the Shatterdome. Hermann paid no mind to those who stared when they passed by.
From their attire, Hermann already knows that they won’t be going to the usual dining places that they had during their previous dates. Still, he was surprised when Newton lead him to an upscale restaurant. From the ambiance to the service provided—Hermann is sure that the food would also be up to par.
As their waiter leave them to decide what to order, Hermann leaned forward on the table. Eyes moving left and right, making sure that no one is close enough to hear them—he doesn’t want to hurt Newton’s pride after everything that the man is doing for him. “Are you sure you can…uhm…afford a place like this? Not that I’m—it’s just…I know that we’ve hardly had paychecks—“
He and Newton have a different upbringings. While Hermann doesn’t always desire the finest things in life, there are times when he would like to be pampered. Newton on the other hand—keeps himself from the fancy type of living, not comfortable with it due to his very simple childhood. Hermann knows that this is for him.
“Relax, Hermann.” Newton looked like he’s amused by Hermann’s stuttering. “I know I don’t—rain money, but I’ve been a very sought-after biologist before I was even a very sought-after xenobiologist. I’m not breaking the bank just because we spent a night in a fancy-schmancy restaurant.” Hermann took Newton’s words and decided to trust him.
Their dinner was lovely—while Hermann had always enjoyed their nights out, he can tell that…this one is different than the rest. He doesn’t know how he can but he can tell—he can…feel…something inside of him, shifting ever so slightly. Hermann has no idea what it means at the moment, he rather unravels it later.
After dinner, they stroll in the garden. Hermann couldn’t believe how…untouched the garden is by the Kaiju war. Their conversation has a steady—and an endless supply of topics, they move from one to the next with ease. Along their stroll, Hermann’s free hand find its way to Newton’s—he held on to Newton and didn’t let go until he was about to close the door of his bunker.
Ever since Marshal Pentecost found out about Hermann’s health, it has been deemed mandatory for him to get the growth of the flowers inside his chest checked once every two weeks. Hermann finds himself putting back his clothes on inside the infirmary as the doctor studies the results of his scans. Hermann pulls the curtain back as he shrugs on his blazer, it took him a moment to notice the confused expression on the doctor’s face.
“What’s the matter?” He asked.
To be honest, he hasn’t been thinking much of his Hanahaki for the past few weeks. Between his job and Newton’s attempts at making him fall in love, Hermann hadn’t been as meticulous in keeping track of all the times he had coughed up petals. He knows he had some coughing episodes these last few days—he’s just unsure of when and how often.
“No, it’s…” the doctor hesitated before simply sighing. “There haven’t been any significant changes in the size of the growth of flowers.”
Hermann’s brows rise at that. “And, that would be…a bad thing?”
“At the moment, I can’t tell.” The doctor told him with complete honesty. “We’re in uncharted waters with this disease. There are more hear-say articles than scientific studies because it seems that there are very few people experiencing unrequited love who would like to be studied.”
Hermann’s lips twitched at that. “Unrequited love is tragic enough.” Borrowing Newton’s words and changing it just. “They do not need the added poking and prodding, I think.”
The doctor didn’t look impressed with that. “Anyway, I have no data to compare this…stagnation that your case presents.” The doctor made a little frustrated noise. “For now, just…monitor your condition. If you start getting worse coughing fits, don’t hesitate to come to me. I’m also telling Dr. Geiszler—that way someone will make sure you are doing as you are told.”
Hermann doesn’t know how the doctor will tell Newton that since he came to the infirmary on his own. He walked out of the place with more cough syrup and a reminder to come back after two weeks. As he entered the laboratory, he saw Newton holding a telephone against his ear. Newton saw him and mouthed the word ‘your doctor’ to him, letting him know how his doctor tell Newton about his reminders. Hermann could only shake his head at that.
They spent the day the way they usually do, though this time they received a visitation from Marshal Pentecost. They presented their findings to him and Pentecost let Newton know about a Kaiju sample that’s being handed to them from the Philippines. Newton would usually brighten up upon hearing that, now though—he shook his head from side to side.
“Can’t they have someone deliver it?” Newton asked.
“They also want your expertise on Kaiju Blue related matters.” Pentecost said to him.
“I can’t just leave,” Newton said.
Hermann slowly understood why Newton seemed to be fighting this one. There’s warmth spreading inside Hermann’s chest, he couldn’t help but place a hand over it.
Newton was there at a moment’s notice. “Are you okay?” His eyes were wide and expressive as he look over Hermann—as if willing himself to see the inside of Hermann’s lungs.
“I’m fine.” Hermann straightened himself. “And, I will be fine on my own while you are away.” His usual stiff and snappish tone was absent. He wants to let Newton know that he appreciates everything that he is doing for him—but he’s never been a man that expresses his emotions freely, even when he was still with Vanesa. “Go and do what you must. We need everything we can get our hands on to fight in this war.”
Newton got that pinched look on his face once again but he nodded. He turned back to Pentecost. “Well, you heard the man. I’ll be flying to Manila—but this better be a short trip.”
The next morning, Hermann was alone in the lab. It was strange. Back then, he’d about give everything just for a quiet day of work. Now, the silence felt wrong. He will be in a perpetual state of distraction if he doesn’t hear any sound that would remind him of Newton.
Sneaking a glance at the biologist’s side of the laboratory, Hermann can tell that Newton tried to at least make sure that no Kaiju sample is out in the open to rot or stink up the place. The smell of chemicals is still in the air—Hermann honestly thinks that it’s attached to the walls, ceiling, and floor at this point. Beyond glass containers and metal tables, there is a cabinet—wooden and a second hand, it’s just a few paces away from Newton’s desk.
Hermann hesitates to cross the sacred line that divides the laboratory. Newton has no trouble crossing it, even before Hermann contracted Hanahaki the biologist would wander now and then to his side—poke and prod and question what Hermann is doing. The same cannot be said about Hermann, and as much as he tells Newton that he’s ridiculous and imbecilic, he knows just how sensitive some of Newton’s samples are—and how corrosive most of it is. He respects the work Newton puts into his study and thus tries to be careful by not crossing the line—not that he would ever tell that straight to Newton.
He tells himself that he’d just turn the music player on and head back to his side quickly, he doesn’t need to touch anything else. Besides, he had always been a cautious individual. It’s not he’ll be mucking up Newton’s work.
Sufficiently self-assured, Hermann crossed the line. As he had decided upon, he went straight for the cabinet. He had seen Newton use his music player enough times to know how to use it. Choosing a playlist, he went for something softer than what Newton usually plays—but is still a collection of songs that Newton cherishes for reasons that Hermann doesn’t know. Perhaps one day he will.
Staring up at the chalkboards, Hermann is at a plateau. He simply can’t work out the equation in front of him despite having all the variables that he could need. Sighing, he decided to work on some reports that needs his attention.
As he proofread some of his reports, Hermann is still working through the equation at the back of his mind. This method of working through an equation isn’t as effective as him taking a stroll but he finds that he doesn’t want to take a stroll at the moment. Somehow—it feels wrong.
Once he had read through some of his reports, he was ready to sign his name on it. He started collecting piles of folders atop his desk, not minding it. The moment he did took notice it was just a second before it all came tumbling down. Hermann let out a grumble under his breath as he ran a hand over his face. Today isn’t a good day for him, he thought.
He got up to his feet only to slowly lower himself to his knees. He was careful in positioning his body as he pick up the scattered papers on the floor. He doesn’t want his leg to ache for the rest of the day.
This time, he arranged the folders in piles that won’t topple off the table. He nodded to himself in satisfaction, ready to get back on his chair and continue dealing with the necessary paperwork. A glint of light caught his attention, turning to see where it is coming from—he saw a picture frame. One with Vanesa’s face in it.
Hermann felt it—that niggling sensation inside of him. He let out a breath, heavy and displeased. He reached out to the picture frame, pulled the lowest drawer in his desk, and put the picture frame face down. They loved each other once but Hermann can’t keep on spewing petals that will lead him to death’s door because of it. He still has work to do—and he has people that rely on him. He can’t fail them.
He sat back on his chair, determined that—no, he will hold on to life as long as he can. It doesn’t matter if he’d have to cough out a lung but he isn’t dying. He refuses to. With fire in his heart, Hermann didn’t even notice that he didn’t cough at all. His mind was too occupied with thoughts of long lashes that contrast the color green and freckles against chubby cheeks.
Two days—that is how long Newton was in a different country. During those two days, Newton called him now and then. Most of the time it was to remind Hermann to eat, stay hydrated, and do not exhaust himself. Other times it was Newton complaining or ‘ooh-ing’ about one thing or another. One time he called and he finally noticed the music at the back.
Hermann thought that Newton would…tease him about missing the biologist. He was prepared for it if you’d permit him to be honest. Instead, Newton just hummed under his breath and he asked Hermann if he likes that genre of music. From there their conversation devolved into a discussion about what should be considered a classic. Hermann was sure that if Newton didn’t have anything important to do they would have spent the whole day talking to each other through the phone.
The day of Newton’s return, Hermann was up the ladder of his chalkboard writing furiously—as if the numbers in his mind will escape him. “Honey, I’m home!” Newton called out.
Hermann wasn’t all that annoyed by Newton’s entrance—that was until he saw the number of people that were with Newton. There are four of them helping Newton get the samples in place inside the lab. All four of them were looking at Hermann with wide fearful eyes—maybe even feeling fear for Newton and his foolishness.
Hermann was just about to voice out his complaint as his feet touch the floor around, but upon closer inspection—he saw the state Newton was in. “By Jove, Newton.” He exclaimed in worry. “Did you even wink during your time away?”
Instead of answering him verbally, Newton raised a can of energy drink to his lips and took a long and loud sip. It made Hermann’s left eyebrow twitch. Newton shrugged as he swallowed. “I wanted to get back right away.”
“Ridiculous—utterly ridiculous.” Hermann approached the movers. “I assume that you know how to set all of those in place.” They nodded at him. “Good.” He turned to Newton. “Now, you—are going to bed.”
“Oh, Hermann.” Newton pitched his voice high and thin. “So forward of you.”
Hermann stared at Newton with an unimpressed expression. “To sleep, you imbecile.”
Newton snorted a laugh. “Yeah, talk dirty to me.” He was about to take another mouthful of the horrid energy drink but Hermann snatched it from his hand. “Hey, I’m drinking that.”
Hermann threw it in the bin next to his desk, he’s sure that whoever is going to clean that will complain—but that is not his worry at the moment. “I am being completely serious, Newton.” He let it show in his voice. He’s unaware that the movers paused what they are doing just to watch the two of them. “You look dead on your feet.”
Newton groaned. “Way to make me feel special, buddy.”
Newton sighed, running a hand over his greasy hair. There’s a slight tremble in his hands and if Newton would persist in being stubborn, it would be the next thing that Hermann would point out. Newton wouldn’t risk his experiments as much as Hermann wouldn’t risk his calculations.
“Okay,” Newton said, shoulders slumping a bit. “I’ll sleep—but only if you do, too.” He checked his watched and frowned. “We should probably have dinner first, then hit the hay early.”
“If that is what it would take to get you to bed—“
“Oh, you just gotta ask—“
“—to sleep. Honestly, you are a child.” Hermann said it more fondly than he would use to. They left the movers to put everything in place and headed to the mess hall.
Like any other date night, Hermann was simply informed by Newton that they will have one. He doesn’t mind it, not really. Though, he does want to be involved in the process of planning for their date night.
Newton flashed him a big, genuine smile and promised him that next time they would plan together. “But, tonight—“Newton wiggled his eyebrows as he lean close to Hermann. “I am going to wow you with a skill of mine.”
Hermann raised a single eyebrow with over-the-top snootiness. “That better not be a come on.”
Newton scoffed playfully. “I told you before, I am a gentleman.” He made a show of fixing his horrid skinny tie. “I may not have expensive Zegna suits—“
“You know what a Zegna suit is?”
“—But, I do know my manners.”
Now, Hermann stared at him with an unimpressed expression.
“Well, when I’m not annoying you, anyway,” Newton said it with the same smirk that used to infuriate Hermann. He moved away to grab his leather jacket and shrug it on. “I’m going to head out early—there are…some things that I need to buy. You can come to my room around seven—seven-thirty…ish.”
“I’ll be there between seven-fifteen and seven-thirty—so, you have a more solid time frame.” He put on his glasses, getting ready to face the data collected from the latest Kaiju attack on his computer. “Should I dress in any particular manner?” He asked, grabbing a new stick of chalk from the box.
“Nah, we’re staying in.” Newton shoot him finger-guns as he made his way out of the laboratory. “Don’t miss me too much, buddy!” With Newton’s back on his, Hermann shook his head slightly from side to side but he didn’t notice the smile that stretched his lips.
He’s engrossed with reading the findings from their scanners, it is giving him new variables that will let him have to create a more precise predictive model. He’s in his groove as he jots down the hypothesis that comes to mind in whatever piece of paper he can get his hands on. His phone rang and he barely looked away from the computer as he answer the call.
“Dr. Hermann Gottlieb speaking.” He hates to be interrupted during times wherein his mind is zeroed in his work. But, he’s also one of the very few programmers that the Jaeger program still has. He knows that while his focus should on the predictive model, J-Techs would sometimes reach out to him about a thing or two about the interface of a Jaeger.
‘Hermann.’
Hermann’s hand paused midway writing a word. There is only one person in the whole world who could say his name in that breathy tone. Swallowing hard, he answered. “Vanesa.” The shock of receiving a call from his ex-wife overrode certain thoughts inside his mind. “I didn’t expect a call from you.”
Vanesa let out a chuckle. It used to be the one thing that Hermann fought so hard to not think about, but now—hearing it, he had to think real hard to remember how she looked when she does laugh. ‘No, I don’t suppose you would have.’
There was a pause in their conversation. Hermann decided to just tell her what he told Newton weeks ago. “I do apologize that I haven’t sent my RSVP. I’ve been busy—“
‘You’re always busy, Hermann.’ Ah, now that tone is familiar. Hermann had been hearing it from Vanesa for the last year together.
Hermann hummed in agreement. What Vanesa said isn’t a lie but Hermann wouldn’t apologize for doing his best in helping end the war against extraterrestrial beings. “I will be sure to send the RSVP tomorrow.”
‘Karla told me that you decided not to come.’
“As mentioned, I’ve been busy and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.”
Vanesa let out a heavy sigh—as if she’s disappointed in Hermann but he refuses to feel shame for his work. ‘This is why we didn’t work out, Hermann. All you’ve ever cared about are your stupid equations and numbers.’
“I wouldn’t deny that my work is the reason why we got divorced but I disagree with the rest of your assessment.” He told her in a stern tone that he had never used on her before—he never thought that he would ever. “I care for more than my equations and numbers that is why I am here.”
‘Would it hurt you to show it?’ Vanesa’s volume had risen.
Hermann gritted his teeth. He’s feeling something inside his chest swell—it was hot as if scalding his insides and it wants to be spewed out. “It matters not if I do show it—since you are blind to it.” He sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He doesn’t want to argue. “Vanesa, I am happy that you can now be with a man who would be there for you in your time of need. I apologize that I won’t be able to attend your wedding. I pray that you and my brother—“he doesn’t have an idea that he can be petty to Vanesa, but people learn more every day. “—have a joyous marriage.”
There was another pause in their conversation.
‘So, that’s it?’ Vanesa asked—a touch incredulous. ‘You’re just going to let me marry your brother.’
Hermann isn’t sure what to say to that except the truth. “Yes, I assume that it is something that you want to do—considering…everything.”
Vanesa sighed again—this time she sounded defeated. ‘Goodbye, Hermann.’
“Goodbye.” The line went dead and Hermann sat there for a moment, trying to make sense of the last portion of their conversation. He removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
Staring back at his computer, Hermann went back to work. There’s no need to overanalyze their conversation—doing so wouldn’t change anything. To others that would make him seem heartless, but Hermann knows what truly is important during these times.
The clock struck six, he saved all the progress he had made and organized his theories according to which he thinks he should test first. After making sure that his working area would be in a state that would easier for him to continue the previous work he got up and closed the laboratory. He has a dinner date to get ready for.
He showered and debated for a minute on what he should wear. When they started dating, Hermann choose to wear the same style of clothes he does during the day even when they are only staying in for the night. Newton didn’t comment on it—or maybe he just didn’t have any idea that Hermann does have other clothes besides slacks, button-ups, vests, and cardigans.
He decided to wear…something casual. He dug up his old grey sweater—sniffing at it to make sure it doesn’t smell bad and donned it. For his pants, he went for the faded blue jeans that he only ever wears if he has nothing to do but laze all day. He stared at himself in the mirror before vetoing putting any product in his hair.
He made his way to Newton’s room and arrived at seven-twenty-two. The door was all but swung open the moment he knocked at it. Newton’s excited expression greeted him—and a whiff of something achingly familiar.
“Come in, Herms.” Newton ushered him inside, more enthusiastic than he did before. “The goulash is just about to be done.”
“Did you—did you cook?”
Newton closed the door behind him, a few steps inside the house and he’s by the dining table pulling out a chair for Hermann. “Well, duh—there might be a restaurant somewhere here in China that serves German delicacies, but I think most of those are further in-land. So, the best option is to cook.”
Hermann let himself be pushed gently onto the chair. This wasn’t the first time he had been inside Newton’s bunker, and whilst the only difference in their bunker is the stove and air exhaust, he didn’t think that Newton uses the stove. “I didn’t know you could cook.”
Newton shrugged. “It’s one of those things I needed to learn to be able to afford cheaper meals in college.” He turned off the stove and moved to get them a bowl. “I don’t have much experience in cooking for other people before—but my Dad assures me that I’m a good cook.” He turned back to Hermann with two bowls of steaming hot goulash.
With a spoon handed to him, he poked at the meat in the stew. “Where did you even get beef?” He asked in an incredulous tone. “And, how much did you pay for it?”
Newton looked at him, eyes shining with fondness. “I’m not answering the first question before you even take a bite—that’s just a sure way for you not to eat it. As for the second one, I’m a world-renowned biologist—remember.”
“Not telling me where the beef came from only makes me worry more,” Hermann told him, the corners of his lips twitching to break to a smile.
“One bite and I’ll tell you.” Newton urged him.
Hermann took a small bite. In that small bite, he didn’t expect the flavors that assaulted his taste buds. He let out a moan without realizing it.
Hearing a smug chuckle, Hermann glanced at Newton. He wears a self-satisfied expression. “Told you I would wow you with my skill.”
Hermann can’t even find it in himself to be annoyed by that.
Days passed and Hermann can’t say that much has changed—his and Newton’s dynamic inside the laboratory is still the same. He’d admit that outside the laboratory there have been changes but…it’s not the kind of change he would shy away from. He would even be honest enough to admit to himself that he likes it.
There is a gentleness in Newton that he didn’t think the man would possess. With all of Newton’s undeniable genius and tenacity, it is easy to imagine the man forego any form of gentleness or softness. Hermann knows better now—Newton’s been in his shoes but had developed a different type of defense and coping mechanism. Their difference grinds at them in the most unpleasant of ways but there are parts of them that just…fits perfectly.
Having realized that, it seemed like they created a silent agreement.
Inside the laboratory they are cohorts. They will push and pull at each other’s minds. They will gnash and grind each other’s theories. They will challenge each other in ways no one else ever could.
Outside of the laboratory they are…dating. They gravitate towards each other easily. They have deep and meaningful conversations. They understand and accept one another in a way only like minds could.
It was a revelation to Hermann.
He keeps himself still as his chest is scanned once again. He doesn’t regret marrying Vanesa—he’s just…a bit miffed that this bi-weekly check-up is taking up time. He tried his best not to sigh.
Hermann heard the doctor let out an alarming sound as he buttons up his shirt. He quickly composed himself and headed to the results of his scans. The doctor was looking at it with an intensity that is making Hermann worry. Standing next to the doctor, he’s trying to see what distressed the man.
There is still a dark cloud at the middle of his chest—just below the heart. He doesn’t see anything that could have warranted the doctor’s reaction. “What is it?” He decided to ask. He is, after all, a mathematician and not a medical professional.
The doctor didn’t answer right away. Instead, he pulled up another one of Hermann’s scans. “It shrunk.” Hermann couldn’t have heard that right. “The…the plant in your chest shrunk.”
Hermann peered closer to the scans, squinting his eyes a little—then he just put his eyeglasses in front of his eyes without completely wearing them. And, it did. The plant did shrink. The change of the size is—was significant enough that when expected closer it can be seen.
He let go of his glasses, confident that the eyewear retainers wouldn’t let them fall to the ground. Hermann is trying to make sense of how—backtracking all the times he had to cough up blood and petals. His brows furrowed as he can’t seem to recall when he stopped doing so.
Then, he remembered his conversation with Vanesa over the phone. And, as much as the call was unpleasant, Hermann didn’t cough up petals then. He didn’t feel the constricting of his chest—or even a tickling sensation beneath his throat. Hermann doesn’t think he felt anything else beyond frustration, over Vanesa not understanding, and resignation.
For that to have happened, Hermann knows that he had stopped coughing petals days—maybe even weeks before the confrontation. His mind moved to try to understand how — how he could…
He stopped in his tracks.
He isn’t in love with Vanesa anymore.
He isn’t in love with Vanesa anymore because he’s in love with someone else.
When did that even happen? He asked himself.
Mousy hair, long lashes, and freckled cheek. Arrogant nose, green eyes, and pink lips. Strong arms, solid chest, and soft middle.
A dangerously curious mind that discovers wonders. Quick wit that is backed up by quipping words. A ridiculous personality that had started to make Hermann laugh.
Hermann doesn’t know when he fell in love. All he knows is that he is. For a moment his heart was stricken, falling in love with someone new doesn’t guarantee that he’d be free from Hanahaki. He had read enough about the disease to know that, besides the surgery, requited love is the cure.
He continued his way to the laboratory, taking the longer route to—think on the matter, and hopefully be composed enough to be able to face Newton after his realization.
Hermann knows that most people who contracted Hanahaki decided to date in hope of falling in love with someone new. He also knows that it has…varied results. Those who found requited love were freed from the cursed disease.
Those who fell in love with someone else but still experienced unrequited love—well, the disease wasn’t kind to them. It became more evident to those still experiencing unrequited love that surgery is the better option because they didn’t stop coughing petals even when they fell for someone new. There are even reports that say experiencing unrequited love twice in a row made the flowering plant grow faster inside their chest.
Now, that tidbit of information made Hermann rush back to the laboratory.
“You are in love with me.” Hermann declared.
Newton looked up from the Kaiju sample that he’s been dissecting, looking confused. “Uh—that’s been established, like, months ago.”
“But, I wasn’t.” Hermann hissed.
Newton snorted a laugh. “Yeah, I know. I was kind of there when you got married to Vanesa.”
Hermann let out a gasp. “That was years ago!”
“Have you hit your head?”
“Wha—no!” Hermann pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’ve been in love with me years ago.”
“Yeah,” Newton answered like it was the most obvious thing—ever. “Again, that has been established months ago.”
“No, it was not.”
“Yes, it was.”
“When?” The question came out more like a yell.
“When I announced that I’m going to make you fall in love with me to stop the Hanahaki going from bad to worse.”
“I—You—“Hermann doesn’t really know what to say about that. His mind went to the variables presented.
Newton has been in love with him for years. Newton planned for Hermann to fall in love with him to stop the Hanahaki from killing him. Newton succeeded in making Hermann fall for him.
Hermann supposes he doesn’t exactly need words. He walked past the line across the floor, pulled Newton from behind the surgical table. He pressed his lips against Newton’s—damn the ridiculous surgical light, and kissed the biologist for all his worth.
Newton’s eyes were wide at him when they parted. “Woah.” He breathed out. “That was—uh…so, you in love with me yet?”
“I’m planning our next date.”
Newton’s laugh echoed around the laboratory.