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“I’m still married, Alice.”
The words blurt out of FP’s mouth before he can stop himself. Alice has three fries almost in her mouth and she pauses with a bewildered look on her face.
“Yes, FP,” she nods slowly, as if talking to a small child. It’s somehow kinder than her normal venomous tone even though he knows she’s questioning his intelligence. “I know.” She crams the fries in her mouth in a crass way he’d never associate with the pastel clad woman in front of him anymore. “In fact I’ve known your wife as long as you’ve known her.” She waves another fry towards him on its way to her mouth. “You know, southside trash and all.”
He looks around the diner but the dinner rush is over and Pop Tate is in the back and no one is looking around for their favorite new soda jerk. “I just don’t want you getting the wrong idea.” Alice takes a loud sip of her nearly empty root beer float, her eyes never leaving his. “About us. You coming here all the time and hanging out -”
“FP.” Alice takes her time wiping her mouth with a napkin, as if covering up for shoveling comfort food in it just a minute ago. “In case all those years of binging on cheap domestic beer have ruined your memory, don’t forget that,” she waves her left hand, “I’m married too.”
“Well, you’re separated.”
“Foresythe,” she snaps and all of a sudden northside Alice is back in full gear. “I am not separated. Your wife is 600 miles down I-80 in buttfuck Ohio! You’re the separated one!” She grabs her glass and loudly sucks up the last of the melted whipped cream and soda. “My husband is merely throwing a temper tantrum and sleeping in a Sharebnb and on the other side of town. That’s not separated. That’s - that’s a break. We’re just on a little break.”
She pulls out her cell phone and FP wants desperately to nab a few fries off her plate - he’s missing his dinner break for this - but he also doesn’t want his hand chopped off. Just when he’s about to chance it, she shoves her phone in his face.
“Uhhh.” The screen is a grid. “This is -?”
“Our credit card statement.” Alice taps her finger on the screen. “Hal’s been coming here at least four times a week since he moved - since he started staying closer to the office, I mean.”
“Yeah well the restaurant scene in this town isn’t exactly -”
Alice snatches her phone back. “That means you’ve seen him. Often probably. You’re working full time aren’t you?”
“Are you my parole officer?”
“What really draws my attention is the prices.” She touches the screen to zoom in on something but waves it past FP so quick he doesn’t have a chance of reading it. “Most certainly buying two meals every time he comes here.” Her lips purse as she locks her phone screen. “So what I’m really asking is, who is he coming in here with?”
Hal and Betty had dinner in a back booth every Thursday. Jughead had told him that Alice was under the impression that Betty stayed late to edit the Blue and Gold on Thursdays and wouldn’t be so happy if she knew the real reason.
“He picks up to-go orders, Alice.” He shrugs and eyes the kitchen door, willing Pop Tate to come back through the door and tell him his break was over. “Probably just orders the extra meal for lunch the next -”
“He’s having an affair,” she says suddenly and she’s scraping the side of her root beer float glass clean with a spoon, the awful noise killing his ears. “With Penelope Blossom. I know he is. And he told me it’s nothing and I haven’t caught them together yet, but when you know, you know and -”
She stops when his laughing grows louder than her glass scaping. She meets his eyes and gives him a look that could kill.
“I am trying to confide in you,” she hisses, “as you are one of my oldest friends. I thought I could trust -”
“Please, Alice.” He wipes a tear from his eye with the sleeve of his uniform. “You came to me because I work here and you wanted the inside scoop.” He risks losing a finger and takes a handful of fries off her plate. “Plus Fred already said no two days ago when you asked him to help you stake out the Register office and Thornhill. I told him those painkillers must be making him loopy and he said no, Alice is certain Hal is having this big ol’ affair and everyone in town knows but her.” He slides the plate of fries closer to him. “Hate to disappoint you but, well,” he sighs, “Betty has been having dinner with him. I don’t think she wants to upset you so -”
“Betty has dinner with Hal once a week.” Alice glares. “Unlike some people, I keep tabs on my children. Don’t be Fred and give me some ‘the simplest answer is usually the correct one.’ The simple answer is that my husband of over twenty years is having an affair with Penelope Blossom!”
The few other patrons of the diner turn to stare but, low and behold, Alice pays them no mind. She gives her head a little shake and forces a smile.
“I need a little favor, FP. A tiny one.” Her eyes dart back and forth but she doesn’t seem to see the people still staring at her. “I just need you to tell me the next time he comes in and picks up food. That’s it.”
He reluctantly nods and he can already hear Fred scolding him for getting in the middle of this. He makes a mental note to kick himself later.
The next night a pick up order for Cooper gets called in 30 minutes before his shift ends.
Fuck fuck fuck, FP thinks and doesn't so much as look at the ticket to see what the order is. He stares at the wall, hoping and praying that Hal won't get here until after 7, but the only luck he ever has is bad luck. The bell above the door rings at 6:55.
He shoots a quick text on his ancient flip phone. hes here
Showtime.
"Hal! Been a while, bud," FP yells with fake merriment, as if Hal hadn't been there two days ago. "How you been?"
Hal looks taken back but forces a smile like the true Cooper he is. "Just peachy. I have a pick up -"
"Not eating here tonight?" FP gestures around the diner that’s only about a quarter full after the dinner rush. "Plenty of room."
Hal smiles while keeping his mouth closed. "I have work to get done."
FP grabs Hal's order and fakes handing it to him. He feels like he’s 16 all over again and wants to kick himself. "What do we have here?" He clears his throat and reads. "One cheeseburger, medium well with bacon. One cobb salad with grilled chicken. One large order of fries. One chocolate milkshake and one strawberry milkshake." FP puts the receipt down and frowns. "Well this can't be right. No pie?"
Hal's face turns red but he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a leather wallet. "I skipped lunch today."
FP makes a peace sign with his fingers. "Two shakes, Hal? I know you're sad but a heart attack is no way to go."
Hal drops his cash on the counter in a way that would probably have Hal’s own mother rolling in her grave if she was dead. FP snatches the money but still doesn’t let go of the bag when Hal tries for it again.
“Don’t you want your change?”
“No, keep it.” Tug .
“I don’t need your charity, Hal.” Tug .
“It’s a tip for a job well done.” Tug .
FP lets go at those words and Hal stumbles back a few feet but doesn’t drop the bag. Hal puts on that forced grin and lets out an annoyed chuckle.
“Always a pleasure, FP.” He juts his chin towards the back counter. “Think I can get my shakes too?”
“Oh, those shakes?” FP points towards the milkshake machine where two shakes are sitting in a cardboard holder. He feels like a jackass but is enjoying himself in spite of it. “Check and make sure your fries didn't spill all over the bag first. I can get you a fresh order. Might have to still charge you though.”
“I just want to get back home and relax.” Hal’s gritting his teeth and FP knows it’s taking all his willpower not to snap. Trying to piss off Hal Cooper used to be one of FP’s favorite pastimes once upon a time and he hates that he still has the talent for it. “Can I just get the milkshakes?”
“Relax?” FP leans against the counter with his eyebrow raised. “Thought you had work to do?”
Hal’s mouth opens just as FP’s phone buzzes. His job is done.
“Hate to run on you, Hal, but it’s quitting time.” He pulls off his apron. “See you tomorrow.”
“My shakes!”
But FP is gone towards the back, leaving Pop Tate to fetch the to-go cups for Hal. He checks his phone as he’s grabbing his jacket from the hook.
Dumpster. DON’T let him see you.
FP looks towards the Employees Only door that leads out to the dumpster. On most nights he just grabs his stuff and exits through the front door. In fact, he should do that now. Surely Alice doesn’t mean -
But curiosity gets the better of him and he opens the door anyway.
Alice’s station wagon is parked diagonally across the fire lane - oh how he’d love to see law abiding Alice Cooper get a ticket for that - with a surly looking Betty in the passenger seat.
He gives his son’s girlfriend a wave but she doesn't look at him. Her arms are crossed and her gaze is fixed straight ahead. He hears a few muffled words from Alice but there’s no reply from her daughter, no sign Betty can even hear her. Alice scowls and presses a button so the window rolls down.
“Hey Bet-” but he doesn’t get any sign from her either before Alice cuts him off.
“Get in,” Alice says shortly. “We don’t have much time. Betty, out. I’ll pick you up - Elizabeth!”
Betty hits the window button on her door and the glass rolls up to separate them again. Alice clicks it back down but, in a flash, Betty hits it again, her gaze still not meeting either of them.
There’s more words from Alice, muffled by the window, but he can make out ‘childish’ and ‘rude’ and ‘grounded.’ Alice presses another button on the door and he hears a click as all the doors unlock. Alice gestures for him to open the backdoor and he sighs. But before he has a chance to open it, Betty clicks the lock button again, still not averting her gaze from the front window.
“Elizabeth!” Alice’s scream is audible even through the closed doors and windows. Betty’s head finally turns towards the door as she and Alice both start pounding furiously at the lock button on either door. Alice finally reaches into the back and pulls open the backdoor on the drivers side herself and waves him over.
His dirty apron is still clutched in his hands and he wants nothing more than to head home and finish the leftover Chinese from the night before.
"Get in." Alice's tone is impatient and he's sure she'd sooner hit him with her car than let him walk away from this. “We don’t have any time to waste.”
“Alice, I - I just got out of work. Jughead is waiting -”
“I just saw your miscreant son on the Andrews' porch, don’t make excuses.” She taps her horn. “You, in. Betty, out.”
“No.” Her voice is quick and set as FP begrudgingly gets in the back.
“You’re not coming, Elizabeth. This is between your father and I.”
Betty crosses her arms and slumps down further in the passenger seat, as if daring her mother to use force and push her out. “You and dad and Mr. Jones?” Alice’s mouth snaps open, but Betty continues before she can say a word. “If it’s between my parents then it involves me.”
Alice lets out something between a silent scream and a cry. She finally composes herself and puts the station wagon into drive.
“Fine, that’s just fine. I’ll drop you off at a friend’s house. The Kellers aren’t much out of the way.”
Through the side mirror, he can see Betty grin. “And risk losing sight of dad? I thought we were tailing him.”
“No, I’m tailing him - I mean no one is tailing him!” Alice hits the steering wheel. “This doesn’t involve you, Elizabeth. Not everything involves you.”
“Okay, Mom, I understand.” They’re stopped at the light on the corner and Betty reaches for the handle. “I can get out here. I’ll just call Jughead and tell him to meet me at Sunnyside. I guess we’ll be all alone since -”
All their seatbelts lock as Alice slams on the gas.
“You really test my patience sometimes, Elizabeth.” Alice taps her nail against the rearview mirror to adjust it. “And you! I know you don’t leave my daughter unattended in that disgusting tin can you call a -”
“Mom!”
“Elizabeth, please!” Alice snaps. “I grew up in one of those tin cans, I’m not being rude!”
Betty huffs in a way not unlike Alice and they’re all silent until they reach Main Street a few minutes later.
Downtown is a generous name for the three blocks of shops and businesses that make up Main Street, but they’d all be hard bent to forget Sierra Mccoy’s campaign promise two years ago to build their downtown area into something special. To FP, it doesn’t look much different than it did his entire life, besides the handicap parking they added in the late 90s and that frozen yogurt shop.
“There’s his car.” Betty points to a spot almost right in front of The Riverdale Register office and FP notices she seems a lot more cheerful now that she’s here to stay. “The Sharebnb is on that corner, right above the appliance store.”
Parking is plentiful this time of night and Alice pulls in right behind Hal’s car. FP doesn’t think it’s common place to park right beside the person you’re staking out but he doesn’t say anything.
Alice turns off the car and grabs her purse. “Lets go.”
“Go?” he and Betty both ask at the same time.
“Mom, you’re not actually going in there are you?” Betty’s voice is tinged with panic. “What do you think you’re going to see?”
“I am going to catch your father red handed doing -” Alice checks her face in the visor mirror and seems to reconsider her words, “doing - whatever it is that made him leave.”
“Chic made him leave mom!” Betty groans. “And like I hate to admit it too, but Hal was right about Chic. Isn’t that why you asked my so-called brother to leave?”
“Elizabeth,” Alice dropped her voice, “can you not air our dirty laundry while we’re in the presence of -”
“Of Mr. Jones? Please, Mom. I tell Jughead and my friends everything and if you think they don’t all go home and tell their parents.”
Alice’s mouth opens in outrage and she snaps closed the visor. “I can’t believe you!” And thus starts another argument between them. Even with their relationship on the repair, FP is sure Jughead doesn’t tell him quite everything - that would be absurd - but he does tell him plenty about his girlfriend and her family issues. How Polly had run away from home again and given birth in secret at some farm upstate. How Betty tracked down and brought home that supposed kid Alice had senior year. How Hal didn’t trust him and moved out. How the supposed kid wound up being up to no good and tried to wrangle them into his messes.
FP had heard enough Cooper family drama in the last few months to last him a lifetime. And yet now here he was, wrapped up right in the middle of it.
“Lets just sit here and wait!”
“What good would that do?”
“Because Mrs. Blossom drives a bright red car and I really doubt we could miss it driving right past us?”
“Unless she’s already inside!”
“Then where is her car?”
“What if your father picked her up, huh?” Alice turns to the backseat. “Did you get a look in Hal’s car before he left?”
FP looks around but he’s the only one there. “Are you talking to me?”
Alice hits the steering wheel in frustration and hits the horn by accident. They all jump. “Who else would I be talking to?”
“Of course I didn’t look in his car. What do you think -”
“That’s it.” Alice unbuckles her seatbelt. “I’m going in.”
“Mom, no!”
But Betty already has her seatbelt undone and is slamming the door behind her. Like mother, like daughter. FP sighs and follows them, not sure if his luck will be better if he gets caught in an idling car that doesn’t belong to him or the hallway of an apartment building he doesn’t live in.
When he catches up to them, they’re going through an emergency exit that’s been propped open on the side of the building with a rock. Alice considers and toes the rock away with the tip of her shoe. FP frowns and moves it back. Quick getaway.
“Alice, wait,” he calls and both Coopers turn around and shush him but stop walking up the stairs. He looks back towards the sweet, sweet freedom of outside before catching up to them. “Do you really think Hal would have an affair? You think he’d actually cheat on you?”
Alice’s eyes flicker down to Betty before she says, “I - I don’t know. I never would have thought so. But then again I never would have thought a lot of things before a few months ago.”
“What does that mean?” Betty asks but Alice is already walking again and Betty is on her tail. “Don't forget, it’s the third floor.”
Once they reach the hall the place is quiet enough that they can hear happenings behind each closed door they pass. A TV on in one, low arguing in another, and some music as they reach the third floor. “It’s that one there,” she says pointing to the first door on the left.
The three of them stay crouched along the doorway of the stairwell for a few minutes. FP thinks he might hear some talking at one point, maybe a laugh, but from their distance it’s hard to tell if it’s coming from Hal’s room or one of the others. After about five minutes Alice pokes him.
“Go knock,” she hisses. “Then come back.”
“Are you crazy?” he asks.
“There’s not even a peephole, he won’t see!” Alice dismisses him with a wave of her hand. “Betty, try calling him. Lets see if he answers.”
“He’ll hear us from out here,” Betty whispers. “I may as well just go and tell him I’m here.”
Alice purses her lips. “Well we need to do something. Maybe I can put my ear up to -”
And that’s when they hear him. As clear as day, Hal says, “I think I left my phone in the car.” And the door opens. “I’ll be right back, hun.”
FP isn’t frozen in place and knows he has plenty of time to run down the steps and be out of here in a flash - this isn’t his problem after all - but something keeps him glued to the spot. Curiosity mostly. He wants to know how this will play out.
Alice and Betty, on the other hand, aren’t as lucky. Betty gasps loudly and Alice lets out a scoff so full of contempt Hal probably could have felt it from a mile away. Hal turns to all of them in the stairwell, something he would have done even without the noise since it seemed to be the only exit, and his jaw drops in shock. He takes in the three of them, but before a word comes out Alice has stepped into the poorly lit hallway and is advancing on him fast.
“Hun? Excuse me?” FP almost wonders if he should pull Alice back, less she decides to break out some of that southside feistiness she was so well known for when they were young. But all she does when she reaches Hal is poke him hard in the chest with her manicured nail. “You’re really sitting here in this rathole with your mistress calling her the same names you’d call your own daughters? Huh?” She pokes him again, hard enough that he actually takes a step back towards the door. “Hal Cooper, you disgust me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You think you know someone and -”
“Mom?”
FP turns towards Betty but she looks just as stunned as he does. The door behind Hal opens and a tall blonde teenager, truly another Cooper if there ever was one, stands there with a squirming infant in her arms. Her mouth drops when she gets a look at Alice. And then again when she looks and sees him and Betty posed a few feet down the hallway.
“Polly?” And Betty all of a sudden takes off down the hall to greet her sister.
“Polly?” Alice croaks, all fire from her voice gone as she stares at the girl and the baby. Hal looks embarrassed.
“Alice, this isn’t what it looks like.”
“This isn’t you harboring our runaway teenage daughter without telling me?”
“Well,” Hal’s face is turning red, “okay, it is what it looks like. But -”
“Mom, I told him not to tell you or Betty,” says Polly. Betty appears back in the doorframe, this time holding another baby. FP can’t tell if Alice’s pout is at the babies or her daughter. “I never went back to the farm. I just, well you had that guy, our brother or whoever, staying there and -”
“You didn’t want to stay with me.” There’s an edge in Alice’s voice and she sounds like she’s holding back tears. “You didn’t want me around your children, my own grandtwins. I -”
“No Mom. Ugh.” Polly hands the baby in her arms over to Hal. “I just didn’t want to stay in a house where you gave away my room -”
“You left! And we already talked about converting the basement into -”
“To some stranger! Sorry if I didn’t want my babies living under the same roof as some rando you already seemed to prefer over me. If he’s -”
“He’s gone!” Alice says with more confidence than FP would be willing to guess she felt. “I’ve asked him to leave and, quite frankly, it’s something I probably should have done a while ago. I -” She looks between her husband and older daughter. “I’m sorry. I know Chic needed me but that doesn’t mean I should have just - just given up on the family I do have and blindly trust - I -”
She starts crying. Loudly. In a way that he knows the Alice from their childhood would have taunted this middle-aged suburbanite for doing so loudly in public. Polly pulls her mother in for a hug and after a few seconds Alice turns her head towards Hal without letting go.
“I thought - I really considered you might be having an affair with Penelope Blossom. I’m - I’m wrong, right?”
“Alice.” He puts a hand on Alice’s back and Polly lets go of her mother so she can take her baby back. “Penelope was helping me track down this cult -”
“Farm,” Polly corrects.
“- cult,” Hal repeats, “that Polly was about a joining long before Chic even -”
Hal stops short. FP raises an eyebrow before he realizes the entire Cooper family is staring at him.
“Jughead’s dad?” Polly asks in a loud Copperesque whisper to her sister.
“What are you doing here?” Hal asked. He pulls Alice a few inches off of him and looks down at her as well. Alice grimaces and tugs on Hal’s sleeve.
“It’s a long story. One we should probably go inside away from prying eyes for. Plus it is far too chilly out here for the babies. You do have those warm sweaters I got for them, don’t you, Polly?” She shepherds her family towards the door of the small apartment. “You uh,” she looks back at FP, “can get home alright on your own, can’t you?”
FP gets one last look at Hal’s questioning face before Alice closes the door between him and the Cooper clan.
“Un-fucking-believable.”
He takes his ancient flip phone out of his pocket and tries to remember if it once belonged to Mary or Archie. He dials one of only five numbers saved in his contacts and gets an answer instantly.
“What’s going on?” Fred’s cheerful voice asks.
“Can you pick me up?”
There’s a long pause before Fred answers. “You drunk, FP?”
“I wish.” And he cringes. “I’m kidding. That wasn’t funny.” Even though he knows it’s not entirely a lie and it’s totally normal to still have cravings when you’ve been sober for months, even years. “I, uh, I made some other poor choices tonight though.”
Another beat. This time Fred sounds amused. “Where are you?”
“Downtown.” He bites his nail. “Down the road from the Register office.”
Fred bellows into the phone so heartily that FP can’t help but smile. “Didn’t I tell you not to let Alice and Hal wrap you up into their drama?”
“I never listen.”
“They sort things out?”
“Do they ever?” FP asks and rolls eyes even though Fred can’t see. “As well as they ever do I guess.”
“I’ll be there in five.” And before Fred hangs up he adds, “I don’t know if I should count my blessings that the pair of us were never that dysfunctional or be mad that we weren’t. I guess it works for them.”
FP doesn’t know if the ‘pair of us’ refers to them and their estranged wives or just the two of them but he’s already pushed his luck enough for tonight.
“I’ll be waiting for you outside, Freddy. Thanks.”
“Anytime.”