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Scrolling through Instagram was a past time, really.
Josh didn’t post that often, but he did enjoy checking out what the clique had tagged him in and what they were posting. Some of it was questionable, of course; but after the forbidden piece of literature Tyler had read aloud to him, cackling wildly as he did, Josh found himself fairly desensitized to such things.
What did catch his eye though, now that he was looking, was a post with a thumbnail in bold, bright red letters reading: ‘WHY TWENTY ONE PILOTS SHOULD BE A ONE MAN BAND’
And okay, he was not a masochist or anything, but his curiosity was just a little piqued. So against what was probably his better judgement, Josh found himself clicking on what turned out to be a video that was twenty minutes long. Obviously he wasn’t planning on watching the whole thing, especially since they had to get to practice in a couple hours, but he hit play anyway just to hear what some of the video said, and-
It was about him.
Or, more accurately, about how he shouldn’t be in the band.
He wasn’t new to this discussion - he knew people preferred Tyler, obviously, and this guy definitely did, given the way he was practically worshipping the lead singer - but to hear the reasons listed out in such a way was kinda wild.
’JOSH DUN CAN’T SING’
The guy begins his list with this subject, and there’s a video of him singing back up from a concert forever ago, but the youtuber is taking time to pause it and critique him. More clips from around the internet have been collected as well, lengthening the segment further than he’d honestly expected.
Which, okay, that was whatever. Josh was insecure about his voice for a reason, thank you - he was perfectly well aware of how he sounded. But a lot of the clips had been from interviews with him and Tyler. And Tyler, the singer and best friend that he is, always, always encouraged him. He’d always get so incredibly happy when Josh sang along with him, and when the drummer had cracked a joke about it, he’d only grinned further.
‘Doesn’t that mean you’re comfy with me Jishwa?’ Tyler had cooed, practically preening, and Josh hadn’t thought about it like that before, but that was technically how it was, wasn’t it? Because he was always careful to sing in a goofy and fake way around everyone, extremely self conscious about his voice and talent.
But Tyler was the kind of singer who loved when others sang, no matter how they sounded. It was a hobby he adored to the point that he always wanted others to join in because it was a happy thing. And he was so non-judgemental and encouraging that it hadn’t taken long for Josh to freely belt out notes in the singer’s company with barely a second thought.
It took a lot to make him comfortable enough for something like that.
But looking at the video now, he winced when he saw himself singing and goofing off in interviews. He was very very suddenly reminded of why he didn’t sing in public, and the uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment bubbled in his stomach.
And he was going to stop there and follow his better judgement for once, but the list just kept going.
’JOSH DUN DOESNT FIT THE IMAGE’
’JOSH DUN CANT CONTRIBUTE MUCH TO THE MUSIC’
’JOSH DUN IS GUILT TRIPPING TYLER’
And going.
’JOSH DUN IS NON-ESSENTIAL’
Eventually, he gets to the end. He hadn’t planned on watching any of it to begin with, but he couldn’t help but be interested in how people saw him, and how he came off to others.
And was that actually what some people thought of him? It seemed crazy to think about, but that was probably because he hadn’t really put much thought into it. Of course, he knew he wasn’t supposed to listen to someone like that - especially because he seemed to hate Josh so much - but the thought was honestly just... In his mind now.
Blinking, Josh does his best to push it out of his thoughts, and instead try to be upset that he’d wasted that time.
It still sticks in the back of his brain, though.
---
It’s not anyone’s fault.
Really; if anything, it was Josh’s. He was the one who didn’t tell anyone anything and kept it all to himself. It was fine, though. He was managing it. It might have made everything different, but it didn’t matter because it was only him that was off.
And in his defense, he doesn’t even know exactly when it started, honestly. One day he just noticed little jokes and jabs getting to him more than they normally would. It was how his friendships worked with almost everyone; they exchanged barbs that were meant to playfully roast each other. It was one of Josh’s favorite things to see how hard people could come at him and see if he could turn it around, but suddenly it seemed as if the lighthearted interactions were beginning to gnaw on him more than they should.
He started to resent the little jabs; because he would end up thinking about them for hours, to the point where he would begin to question himself and internalize the insult. But he didn’t want to make people feel guilty and hurt, or show them how weak he was, and he couldn’t really back out of conversations constantly, so he just... Didn’t say anything. Kept going as if things were normal.
Eventually, he started to slowly distance himself from others.
If there was an opportunity to start up a conversation, he wouldn’t take it unless absolutely necessary. The others in the crew had noticed it a bit, but he had just put on a dramatic story about how ‘All of my extrovert has been used up, guys. I’m going to die!’
They had laughed, of course; no one had taken him seriously, and some had even lamented along with him. It was fine that way. It made it to where he didn’t have to talk to people and internally berate everything he does.
All of that was different when it came to Tyler, though.
Tyler is his best friend - the best friend he’ll ever have - so he had taken notice when Josh began to be more reserved.
‘It’s fine! I’m fine, you don’t have to worry so much, bro.’ He had laughed, and at his words Tyler had just frowned and narrowed his eyes.
‘Don’t underestimate the power of friendship, Jishwa. I can just tell there’s something bothering you, and if it’s a someone I need to know so I can take your side.’ The lead singer said determinedly, and Josh felt a warmth of affection at the words. At that point, he seriously considered just coming out with it. Just telling Tyler about how he felt so exhausted with everyone and everything, and how he was taking little jokes to heart, how when he was alone his mind would begin to eat away at him-
Instead, he just laughed again and ruffled his friend’s hair.
‘Seriously, dude, I’m fine. A little tired maybe, but otherwise flirty and thriving.’
And he could tell Tyler didn’t fully believe him, but he had let the subject drop. From that point on, Josh had noticed his friend’s eyes scrutinizing him - always ready to jump in and get to the bottom of whatever’s bothering Josh at even the slightest show of the problem.
The thought made him feel happy, in way. To have a friend that knew something was off and was always ready to help, even when Josh had said nothing was wrong.
But what would he say, really?
‘Oh hey I’ve been taking jokes to heart and letting them bother me to the point that I feel kinda sick. Also, I’m always tired - partly because I can’t sleep too great, and partly because everything feels exhausting for some reason.’
Anyone in their right mind will see how insignificant and silly the whole thing is, so he’d rather just save himself the embarrassment of it all. Besides, even if they did take it seriously, did he really need to give people a reason to baby him or treat him delicately? He didn’t want anything to change - he wanted it all to be the same as it always had been.
And maybe that’s why he didn’t want to tell Tyler - he didn’t want his best friend to see him as weak and treat him differently. That, and Tyler already had enough problems of his own to worry about. Josh didn’t need to add to it, especially when he was just being petty.
So he didn’t say anything.
He just slowly... Drifted away from his crew and friends. When they would go out for food or something, he would either decline or just go and stay at the edges. He never pushed himself into conversations, and after awhile, he wasn’t really asked to speak. The exception to that, of course, was Tyler, who would always chatter away with him no matter who they were with. And it was easier to talk to his best friend than it was to talk to anyone else, so he didn’t quite have to fake the smiles when that happened.
It made him think he wasn’t as bad as he felt sometimes.
---
The shows were something that gave Josh the adrenaline rushes that made him feel alive, and he clung to that. It boosted him enough that he didn’t feel exhausted, but instead he’s finally engaged and aware. He drummed his heart out and let the songs reverberate with him in a way that made him feel like him again.
Like now, when he was walking towards his changing room to grab clothes for the shower, he had a skip in his step and a grin on his face.
He felt refreshed in a way that was rare apart from their concerts, and he had no qualms riding the post-show high out as long as he could.
“Jishwa!” A familiar voice calls, and Josh grins over his shoulder at his friend mischievously before beginning a mad dash to his destination. When he hears the laugh and a second set of feet pound away after him, he knows his challenge has been accepted.
He sees the bright red door, and is a couple feet away from it when arms are suddenly wrapping around his waist in a tackle hug.
“I win!” Tyler crows triumphantly, squeezing hard and burying his face into the back of Josh’s shoulder.
“Are you sure about that?” The drummer asks playfully before he starts to lean back and put more and more of his weight onto the lead singer until they’re both beginning to stumble backwards. One of them inevitable missteps somewhere along the way, and suddenly they’re both collapsing into a tangled pile of limbs and laughter.
“You’re too thick Jishhh.” Tyler whines once he catches his bearings, but there’s a grin on his face. Somehow the lead singer had also maintained his grip around Josh’s torso in the fall, so he takes that moment to pull him closer and further cuddle into the drummer’s back.
“Muscle weighs more than fat, bro, though I doubt you’d know a lot about tha- Hey! No! Bad Octoty!” Josh yells complainingly when Tyler brings his legs to wrap around his waist, further trapping him against the deceptively lithe singer’s chest.
“Good Octoty.” Tyler purrs happily before barking out a laugh, “And how rude! I’ll have you know that I am most definitely toned. You’re just the one who went above and beyond and decided abs were necessary.”
“You’re just jealous.”
“I mean, maybe? Definitely would be nice, but that is way too much work.”
At that, the singer pats a hand over Josh’s stomach, and said redhead just flexes in response.
“Show off.” His best friend whines, before planting his hand and pulling Josh in tight again.
“I mean, it’s not hard to when my competition is you.”
At that, Tyler squawks indignantly but still doesn’t let go.
“Ty, I am absolutely disgusting - and so are you, actually. C’mon.” Josh groans, leaning back exaggeratedly into the embrace.
“Yes, we are. But you needed a hug and I needed to tell you how absolutely amazing you did, obviously. Because it was absolutely amazing, dude. Especially that trumpet solo, which was just-“ Tyler tells him excitedly, before pausing and bringing up a hand for an extremely dramatic chef’s kiss, “-Beautiful. As always.”
And Josh feels that warmth again, that feeling he only seemed to get anymore from Tyler. Because his best friend is nice, but he was such a perfectionist when it came to their music that when he gives out praise you know he’s giving it with absolutely sincerity.
“Thanks, man. I’m glad those high school classes finally came in handy for something.” He just laughs, playfully bumping his head against the lead singer’s, “And we all know you obviously killed the performance, as per usual. Heck, I’m pretty sure I saw a girl start crying when she touched you while you were crowd surfing.”
At that, Tyler just throws his head back and laughs.
“I would probably cry if I had to hold me up, too.” He says happily, and Josh can feel his arms finally begin unwinding from his waist.
Once free, he boosts himself up easily before turning and pulling his best friend up as well.
“Same, dude. Anyways, now I’ve gotta clean off my sweat and yours, so imma get on that. I’ll see you when you’re clean again.” Josh empathizes playfully, reaching out to pat the singer’s cheek.
“Fine, fine! But I’m gonna find you later, and we’re gonna get Taco Bell!” Tyler says with a laugh, before beginning to skip down the hallway towards his own changing room.
Rolling his eyes, Josh enters his and takes a few steps before pausing in front of the full length mirror.
Internally, he berates himself for how stupid and over dramatic he’s being. Tyler had meant it as a playful and off-handed comment. It wasn’t anything serious at all, and he knew that. He knew that. But, even so, he lets his eyes drift down slowly, scrutinizing his body in a way that was pretty rare for him - especially since he put so much work into being active. He knew he was fine, that he was healthy, but-
Reaching up with a frown, he finds that he can still grab a little excess. Maybe he has been eating a little more than usual lately. Or even a little unhealthier.
His mind flashes back to Tyler’s adamant invitation to Taco Bell and he feels himself wince a little. Suddenly, he has no appetite for the fast food stop. Or anything, really.
With a sigh, he looks over himself one more time before turning away.
He ends up passing on the Taco Bell.
---
Sometimes he doesn’t sleep.
It wasn’t that big of a deal, honestly. Everyone had more trouble sleeping at points; like, just a couple of weeks ago one of the crew members was complaining about their sleep schedule being absolutely terrible.
It was fine though. Josh just felt a little more tired than usual, and his eyes are a little darker than what he’d like, but he ended up smearing red eye shadow around them anyways so it wasn’t like it was a problem. The fans couldn’t notice, and as long as his drumming didn’t get worse it wasn’t an issue.
And sometimes he did get sleep. It was just... Harder now, since his mind didn’t seem to know how to shut down anymore. It always went back over his days and actions in a nightmarish play by play that encouraged the shame and self loathing that always seemed to cling to him now. The feelings that sometimes clung so hard it left him hurling into the toilet.
With a sigh, Josh curls just a little tighter into his ball, bringing the blanket up until it covers his mouth in an effort to trap more warmth to his shivering body.
They were sleeping in the bunks tonight, someone taking the driving grave yard shift so that they’ll get to the next show in time. The cold of the winter in the northern states permeated the bus even with the air conditioner on, so everyone was hunkering down for warmth. There were a multitude of light-hearted complaints when everyone began settling in, but it had slowly died off as they fell asleep.
Even with it being freezing, though, the dark and enclosed bed offered him a respite from the daily bustle. If they had stopped for a hotel, it was very likely that he’d be in a room with other people. Which, probably might’ve been better, in some ways, because that way he would have some sort of distraction from his mind.
It was a confusing tug of war, because Josh desperately wanted to be with his friends, but at the same time he just as desperately wanted to curl up and hide away.
He could never seem to win. If he did hang out with them, he could barely bring himself to join the conversation and antics because it felt like everything about him felt out of control. But if he didn’t join, guilt and regret would gnaw away at him and leave him in a deep pit of self loathing. It seemed to just be a battle of what he could handle, and exhaustion would always creep up on him, even though he could barely seem to get to sleep anymore.
“Josh? You awake?” The sudden whisper jarring him out of his thoughts is low and soft in the silence of the bus, and if Josh wanted to, he could ignore it. His curtain was still closed, and he was known to be a heavy sleeper. The person would be none-the-wiser, and that would be the end of it.
But...
“Barely.” He replies lowly anyways, and with that, his curtain is being pulled back just enough to reveal Tyler’s face in the dim light of the bus.
“I’m freezing, but someone stole the extra blankets. Cuddle?” The lead singer asks, pouting his lips in an overly dramatic way that makes Josh grin no matter how he’s feeling.
It wasn’t like he was opposed to the idea; Josh was already freezing in his bunk because he couldn’t seem to get warm enough, but he knew that wasn’t the only reason he didn’t mind the thought of it. Josh could sleep through practically any condition, even if it was bitter cold. No, what most appealed to him now was the fact that with a chilly Tyler came a hopeful distraction so that he wouldn’t have to be alone with his thoughts.
“It’s possible,” Josh hums after a few moments just as dramatically while he wiggles backwards to create room in the bunk, “But is it plausible?”
Tyler erupts into laughter so fast that he has to clap a hand over his mouth to not wake the others.
“Oh my gosh- I’m so insanely proud right now.” He says happily, climbing in to slide underneath Josh’s blanket before unfolding his own on top of them and closing the curtain. It takes a bit of maneuvering, but they eventually settle and end up facing each other. There wasn’t enough space for both of them to lay on their back, and unless they wanted to spoon - something they have done before, believe it or not - this was the solution.
“Is it plausible you’re still awake because it’s cold?” Tyler whispers finally, curling just a bit closer with the words.
“It’s possible.” Josh hums noncommittally, and internally he’s having another moment of realization about just how well Tyler Joseph seems to know him.
“But it’s not entirely plausible.” His best friend says quietly, and there’s a tinge in his voice that Josh is almost worried about.
They’re silent for a few more moments, the words weighing heavier than Josh thought they would’ve. Their breaths are slowly evening out the more they relax into the newly created warmth in the bunk, though.
“You know you can talk to me, right? About anything, anything. Not just food or games or music.” Tyler whispers, and the gentle concern shoots into Josh’s heart like a knife.
‘Nice going, Dun.’ his mind hisses to him venomously, ‘You gave something away and made him worry. Doesn’t he have enough on his plate? Enough of his own problems? Heck, he’s the face of what should be a one man band. Imagine the stress of that. Why do I even think I have problems, anyway? I’m just being dramatic.’ The thoughts are quick and harsh, and he thought it would give him some comfort, but it somehow only hurts more.
But why, though? It’s true. Tyler had so many things already going on in his life, why would Josh complain and add onto it? Everything was fine, anyways. There was nothing wrong, he was just being stupidly self centered. It wasn’t like-
“Josh?” Tyler asks quietly, and with a with a little jolt said drummer realizes he’d gotten lost in his thoughts again.
Giving a weak laugh, the redhead curls forward just enough so that his head is tucked under his best friend’s, suddenly finding himself unable to look him in the eyes.
“I know, Tyjo. You’re such a mother hen sometimes.” He says softly, voice sounding weak even in his own ears as he ducks just a little further.
“Hey, do you really know though?” Tyler starts softly, reaching to grab Josh’s head and tilt it up so that they’re making eye contact again, “Because something’s been bothering you for awhile, and I know I’m not some magical miracle worker, but... But I don’t want you to feel like you can’t rely on me, you know?” He continues, and the words reach Josh on a deeper level than he would’ve thought because he can feel his eyes burn.
And he wants to come out with it there, but when he opens his mouth to say something, the entirety of what he would say dawns upon him.
To suddenly tell Tyler ‘Hey, I’m more sad and exhausted and anxious lately but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to worry you and it’s not that big of a deal but it just kind of bothers me sometimes.’ Sounds like it would just lead to everything becoming an unnecessarily big mess.
No, Josh knew it was silly, and to have worried his best friend over something so insignificant makes him feel so ashamed that he has to avert his eyes. Guilt bubbles in his stomach, and it seems to be a familiar feeling nowadays.
“I do rely on you. It’s just... Nothing’s really bothering me, I’ve just been tired from everything, you know? It’s fine, Ty. I’m fine.”
And he knows his friend doesn’t believe him.
But he doesn’t push anymore.
Josh can see the hurt on Tyler’s face even in the dark, and the shame comes back in a wave so harsh that he wants to claw at his skin again.
Instead of saying anything, though, Tyler just huffs and pulls Josh towards him more until the singer’s wrapped almost protectively around him, head resting on top of his.
“It’s possible you don’t know, but it’s plausible that I’ll keep reminding you.”
And Josh knows he doesn’t deserve this - the determination his best friend has to help him. He’s rejected Tyler’s attempts to be there for him enough that he wouldn’t be surprised if Tyler just gave up and ignored it.
But he hasn’t yet.
Instead, he just hums a tune that Josh vaguely recognizes as something from Self Titled while running an idle hand through his red hair. And Josh just clings tighter, allowing his friend’s heartbeat and warmth and voice to drown out his own mind that’s just itching to pull at the seams of him until he’s in the abyss.
Darkness slowly begins creeps in at the edges, and Josh doesn’t fight it as he finally feels sleep begin to embrace him.
---
It gets better after that.
Well, maybe he shouldn’t say it ‘gets better’; the accurate term would be that Josh tried harder. He refused to worry those around him anymore - worry Tyler anymore - so he forced himself through the motions with a grin.
And it worked. The crew seemed relieved when he started joining back into things with smiles and jokes, and no one even questioned his behavior anymore.
Josh, for his part, discovered how frighteningly easy it was to plaster on a smile and crinkle his eyes so that it looked like he was happy. The nervous energy that the interactions gave him began to come out in over-the-top behavior that everyone thought was hilarious. He began throwing himself into doing or saying silly things so that those around him laughed in a way that he didn’t think he was fully able to.
It was all fine, but Josh knew Tyler wasn’t completely buying it.
He wouldn’t say anything, of course, but he would send Josh little suspicious and concerned glances every now and then. Especially when Josh would end up feeling nauseas and stumbling to the bathroom after being out with their crew. Sometimes he would end up vomiting his guts out, trying his best to be as quiet about it as possible, or sometimes he would just claw at his own skin in an effort to calm some of his nerves.
(He made sure to claw where no one would see the marks - couldn’t risk anyone finding that.)
Tyler would always find him some time afterwards, checking him over like a mother hen before trying to cheer him up and talk to him as if somehow sensing how fake his smile was nowadays.
It was okay, though. No one was getting worried anymore - except maybe for his best friend who knew him too well - and everything was getting back to normal for them.
The only downside of the whole thing seemed to be that the screaming in his head got worse.
Self loathing and shame accompanied him to sleep, and his mind picked apart everything he had done during the day until he was a nervous mess scratching at his skin. Of course, this outlet was only possible when they were bunking in the bus - if they got a hotel room, he would have to sit quietly in his mind until he could get up without raising suspicion from whoever he was rooming with.
That was, unless he was sharing a bed with Tyler. The lead singer seemed to be able to just sense when something was wrong, and he would always cuddle with Josh as if he knew somehow that it quieted the screams in his mind until morning. What seemed to have been an off-chance of sleep in Josh’s bunk on that cold night had quickly become increasingly common. It started slowly at first, and Tyler usually just used the excuse of being cold, but him crashing Josh’s bunk to cuddle had somehow been becoming fairly normal.
Afterwards, Josh had realized pretty quickly that the comfort his best friend provided was one of the only things that could quiet his mind enough for sleep. He felt horribly guilty for that, but Tyler didn’t complaining whatsoever; if anything, it was like he was encouraging the whole thing. More and more he would claim Josh first for his sleeping buddy - seemingly just for the specific purpose of cuddling him.
The dark circles that had gathered under his eyes weren’t quite as bad after his best friend seemed to have the cuddling revelation, and Josh was grateful, in all honesty. That doesn’t mean it didn’t suck that he had made Tyler feel like he had to go out of his way so much.
Especially because he knew full well that Tyler would stay awake long after he himself would fall asleep, humming and murmuring quietly to him. He’d woken once after a particularly harsh nightmare, heart racing and blearily blinking to find Tyler still humming a random tune. It had been some beautiful half-formed creation that Tyler would whisper humorous comments and corrections about under his breath.
Of course, the lack of sleep could’ve been due to the singer’s infamous insomnia as well, but to think he had anything to do with keeping him awake made Josh want to run out and away immediately.
Instead, he’d stayed as still as possible despite his inner chaos, so as not to bother the singer. He made sure to school his breathing so that it was calm and regulated as he listened lightly to the sound of his best friend’s hums.
It was nice like this; just breathing and focusing on the new song Tyler was writing in his head, instead of what he’d just woken from. It seems there were already a few words penned to the tune in places, as the singer murmured about what it was conveying and how to
do that more. One of Tyler’s greatest talents was his music, and to witness and hear such a raw creation process made the drummer feel giddy. Or, he did, until he realized that the most likely reason his friend was still awake to make songs was him being annoying. The thought made him frown slightly, but he was trying to be careful to keep his breathing even.
Josh must’ve done something to give himself away, though, because the melody tapers off and is followed by a soft ‘tsk’.
Warm and calloused hands reach up to cradle his face, and Josh resists the urge to peek his eyes open, hoping that the singer will somehow think that he’s still sleeping.
“You’re supposed to be asleep.”
At the soft words, Josh gives up the facade and cracks open his eyes, feeling like a little child getting scolded. He immediately takes in Tyler’s face close to his, a soft frown on it as he stares Josh down.
“I was.” Is all he can manage to say, voice a murmur.
Tyler furrows his brows at that, concerned eyes quickly sweeping over Josh’s face as he runs a thumb over his cheek almost absentmindedly.
“You could’ve told me you were awake, Jishwa. It’s not like I’ve been pretending to sleep.”
“And why is that, by the way? I think you’re worried about me but it doesn’t seem like you’re sleeping much yourself.”
“My insomnia partnered with my muse in a villainous collaboration, mi amigo. I can’t sleep if there’s something in my head that I haven’t created yet, yano? Which kinda stinks but that’s the way it goes, I guess.” Tyler hums with an eye roll before refocusing on Josh with more intensity. “I totally noticed you dodged my question, by the way. But since I answered yours you should answer mine now, right?”
“When did we ever agree to that?”
“No specific agreement Joshie, but I figured it’d be quicker instead of me pestering you.” The singer says, an edge of fondness in his tone as he does, and Josh averts his gaze away from those probing eyes with a sigh.
“I just woke up, I don’t know. Maybe it was ‘cause of you singing.” He says, instead of the obvious ‘oh I had another nightmare and if you weren’t here singing calming me down the entire time I might’ve gone to throw up idk.’
But at hearing his own words, he feels his blood run cold as panic shoots through him. He really just had to go and be sarcastic, didn’t he? What if Tyler thought he was annoyed with him? What if Tyler started to get annoyed of him? I mean, shouldn’t he be already? But Josh had been so happy that his best friend saw him all mopey and sad and had done something, had tried to reach him. He’d probably get upset at Josh, but he deserved it. Gosh darn it Dun, you had to go and talk without thinking again, how many times have-
“Whatever you’re thinking right now,” That familiar voice cuts in, accompanied by a gentle shake of his head by the hands still cradling it, “Needs to stop.”
Blinking, Josh looks up to see Tyler’s concerned gaze zero’d in on him.
“Breathe, Josh.” He whispers, and all of a sudden Josh realizes how he’d been holding his breath in a sharp contrast with his racing heart.
Taking a raggedy inhale, he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to turn his head away, emotions churning through him. How embarrassing could he be? He can’t seem to get control of any of his emotions, everything just bubbling and running free as it chooses. And getting so upset over something - over potentially hurting the one person who’s willing to put up with him?
Just the thought has his eyes burning again, continuing to pull away from Tyler in shame that he really said something rude to his best friend after he was only trying to help imterribleIknewIwasabadpersonIwastryingtobebetterbutIknew -
The hands once again maneuver his head, pulling him back so that he’s even closer to Tyler than before. Opening his eyes, he sees Tyler’s staring straight into his, determination and concern plastered all over his face.
“Josh, hey, hey - it’s okay. You’re okay, you don’t have to freak out. I’m not mad, I promise.” And as if he could sense Josh’s disbelief he grips a gentle hand behind the red head’s neck in a comforting grip. “I promise.”
“I don’t know - I don’t know why I’m such a mess - I’m, I’m sorry-” He whispers, voice trembling as he fights back the tears of humiliation and shame over such an insane lack of control over his mind and feelings. These little things that clawed at him now never would’ve bothered him before, but now they stabbed him in a way he could barely wrap his mind around and it scared him.
“It’s fine, you’re fine. We’ll figure it out, okay? It’s probably because you’re tired.” Tyler tells him, voice soothingly low and rumbling, and he nods shakily in an agreement that he doesn’t actually mean. In a way it’s because he’s tired; after all, he would have more control than this during the day. But in the end this was still what he would feel normally - and that’s what scared him.
Josh’s breath catches in surprise when he’s suddenly being enveloped in warmth.
Blinking, it takes him a second to realize that Tyler’s wrapped himself around Josh in an embrace. He’d tucked the drummer’s head right under his chin in a way that reminded him of the first cuddle attack he’d gotten from the singer.
But it was nice.
Slowly, Josh felt his body almost involuntarily relax and curl closer into the warmth, heartbeat slowing down as if to match the one he could hear in his ear. Exhaustion begins to creep in as his eyes slowly drift closed, breathing becoming increasingly steady and deep as the arms keep holding him steadily.
“It’ll be fine.” Tyler repeats softly into his hair, and Josh wants to believe him.
He wants to believe it.
---
He’s been avoiding Tyler.
It’s not that he’s resentful in any possible way for anything; it’s actually the exact opposite. Josh knows it’s been his best friend that’s gotten him through this so far, but with that comes the knowledge that it’s been his best friend that he’s made go out of his way so much.
He knows how worried Tyler’s been getting - especially after his middle of the night breakdown - so he figured it’d be best if he just... Distanced himself a little.
It was fine, for the most part. Now he wouldn’t make Tyler resent him for being such a burden, because he didn’t force his friend to feel responsible for his well being. The way Josh has been acting was pretty twisted, honestly; and Tyler didn’t deserve to have to put up with him when he was a mess like this.
So he talks with the other crew more, makes excuses to go off and do stuff on his own, pretends to be tired and sleep more when in the bus. On the off chance they’re at a hotel, though, he quickly claims someone else as his roommate. Saying that he’d ‘promised to room with him’ or something when Tyler came around with a raised eyebrow.
The wear of the lack of sleep was definitely wearing on him, though. His dark circles were getting continually darker to the point that he’d gotten a cheap tube of concealer just so he didn’t look so bad in interviews and press events. Eventually, he just ended up wearing it around everyone else as well, because it always made them look less concerned over him and his health.
He would rub it off when he took off the bright red eye shadow, and sometimes put it back on after he got out of the shower. If he could get away with crawling straight into bed, though, he’d let himself forgo using it again until morning. It didn’t completely cover how haggard he looked, but it was a big help.
On the bright side, it was getting easier to cover up how he was feeling. No one seemed suspicious anymore, since he’d started acting like how he was before his whole mess started. Well, no one but Tyler, but the singer just knew him too well. And adding that to that fact that Josh has been trying to distance himself, and Tyler was always keeping an eye on him now.
It would even get almost embarrassing sometimes. Like during interviews, if Josh was asked a question that seemed even slightly offensive or demeaning, Tyler would get a sharp look in his eyes before skillfully steering the subject away while subtly firing back at the interviewer. The Clique had somehow noticed this behavior too, and protectiveness over Josh seemed to be on the rise in their fan base because of it.
He felt like he was being guarded, and it confused him yet still left him feeling oddly warm. That warmth would quickly fade to guilt afterwards, but he appreciated what Tyler did to help him so much.
So much that it hurt, sometimes. Especially when he’d been trying to put some distance between them.
Taking a deep breath, Josh settles a little further into the bench in the cool air. It was a beautiful night; stars glimmering above and the city lights in the distance.
They’d stopped at a hotel for the night after playing their show, and Josh had roomed with Mark immediately when they got there. He’d had to avert his eyes from Tyler’s narrowed gaze, guilt bubbling in his stomach at the stare while he shuffled off to his room.
Josh had gone through the motions of getting ready for bed easily before plopping down as normally as possible on the bed and pretending to sleep. He stayed still like that for a long time, but once he’d been sure his roommate had gone to sleep, he’d snuck out of the hotel and into its back garden area.
It’s not like he would’ve slept, anyways; just him laying there had turned into a harsh mental battle that felt like it dragged him through the dirt. So he tried to run away, like he always does, doesn’t he? But he can’t run away from his own mind, so now at least he was by himself with it.
And it wasn’t bad, either; the distant sounds were strangely calming, and the low chatter of the city around him alive and thriving was therapeutic in a way that he wasn’t expecting.
With his mind wandering to everything and nothing at once, Josh felt completely justified when he jumped at a new presence suddenly taking a seat next to him. Because for one, it was the middle of the night. Secondly, it was cold.
Snapping his head over, he can’t quite find it in himself to be surprised when he sees Tyler there, looking for all the world like he’s been sitting casually in that spot for much longer than he’d actually been there. The singer has his head tilted towards him, unreadable expression on his face and an eyebrow raised, as if encouraging him to speak.
Josh’s mouth opens and closes a bit, before he finally gets his voice to start working.
“Why are you- why are you out here?”
At his question, though, Tyler shoots him a deadpan look. “You’re really gonna ask me that when you’re the one who was out here alone at three in the morning?” The singer asks while shifting so that he’s sitting closer. At the new proximity, the drummer can feel the warmth practically radiating from him.
Huffing, Josh looks away but can’t actually deny that.
“I mean, yeah.” He says instead, ignoring the note of petulance that had leaked into his tone.
That snarky comment seems to make Tyler chuckle, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes as much as it usually would.
“Well, Mark woke up to get water and saw you weren’t there, so he texted me to see if I’d seen you. Obviously, I hadn’t, so we got whoever was awake to search around. Figured I’d check here since you weren’t in the rooms and lo and behold, my best friend was sitting by himself in twenty five degree weather. I will say that while it is a nice day, I don’t know if it’s quite nice enough for stargazing in just pj’s and a jacket.” The singer tells him with a hum, and Josh can feel a surge of warmth in his cheeks at having been found out so easily.
But instead of acting embarrassed like he feels, he pushes it down and just rolls his eyes. “Maybe I think it’s nice enough. And besides, the weather has its perks- I get to see my breath and everything.” He says, giving a deep exhale for emphasis.
What he wasn’t expecting, though, was Tyler’s hand on his nose. Wincing at the sudden warmth on his long-since freezing face, he jerks his head back out of reach with a half-hearted glare.
“Oh yes, the perks- frozen body parts and all that.” Tyler says as if it’s obvious, before scooting even closer until he’s sitting right up against Josh; body heat bleeding through to the drummer more easily than before.
“Well, aren’t you in pj’s too?” He asks instead, only to get a huff from the singer.
“Because I was looking for you, Jishie. Besides, we both know my body heat is great.”
“Like it was in the bus when you said you were freezing and someone stole all the blankets?”
At Josh’s question, though, the singer shoots him a mischievous smile and the drummer suddenly has a dawning realization.
“You- You little-!” Josh gawks, hand coming out to swat at his best friend who just laughs and leans even closer.
“In my defense, I could practically hear you shivering. And all the extra blankets were taken, so I knew you definitely didn’t have more. But you’d never admit to anything like that, of course, so I decided I’d just help you out.” Tyler relays happily, even as Josh squawks and swats him again.
“And you kept using that excuse-!”
“We’re cuddle buddies now, Jishie. A bond like that can’t be broken, only nurtured.” The singers croons, obviously pretending to be serious through his almost palpable amusement.
“I should’ve never trusted your pleas for warmth. Should’ve left you standing there awkwardly in the cold.” Josh groans, throwing his head back in exasperation as he does.
At that, Tyler just laughs. “You know you love me- you couldn’t’ve abandoned me to the cold like that. We’re connected.”
“I swear, if you quote Iron Man at me one more time-“
“Connected, Jishwa! Cuddle bond!”
“Oh my gosh-“
At this point they’re both laughing - and Josh probably should’ve realized early on that he was being played, but contrary to his outward playful annoyance, he was happy.
Once they’d settled back down after a couple more jabs, Josh could practically feel the incoming questions in the atmosphere. He knew the elephant he’d dodged was gonna come marching at him full force, and it made him want to jump out of his seat and run in an effort to escape, but instead he forced himself to stay still.
“You know, when I was younger, I didn’t think anything was wrong.” Tyler starts out of the blue, and Josh blinks because he was not expecting that.
“I just thought that was how I was, you know? It wasn’t until I was a little older that I started to understand that my mind tearing me down wasn’t healthy. But by that point it was normal, you know? So ingrained into me that I had no idea how to carve it out.” The singer continues, gaze distant as he recalls to Josh, who was a little thrown at the sudden turn the conversation had taken.
“I eventually learned how to play piano, but everything I played around family was so happy, or it didn’t feel like it related enough to what I was feeling. So I wrote them; the songs that I felt like I needed to hear, that is. They allowed me to just... Get out how I was feeling, you know? And my family was so supportive, even without me having to tell them the specifics, which was a huge relief. Even when I would struggle so much it felt like the only thing I could do was push them away as if it’d save them from any kind of hurt, they were still there. They didn’t let me lock them out; they held on tight and continued to encourage me to find my way of dealing with and confronting my mind.” Tyler tells him softly, and this side of him was so raw and soft that Josh wanted to reach out. But Tyler just turns his gaze back to focus on Josh in a solemn but understanding way that freezes him to the bench instead.
“I want you to know you have that support too, you know? I’m not going anywhere, Josh. We’re best friends for the long haul. I’ll be here for you no matter what, and no matter how much you try to push me away.” Tyler says, lips quirking up into a little smile, “I’m stubborn and clingy like that.”
And Josh?
It feels like the bench has been kicked out from under him, because he wasn’t expecting this. He wasn’t expecting Tyler to tell him straight-up that he wasn’t going anywhere, even after Josh had pushed him away - had shut him out.
His breath hitched and his eyes burned, the words hitting deep.
“You don’t have to.” Josh tries, voice warbling, “Put up with me, I mean. I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”
At that, Tyler leans in a little closer, giving him a smile full of warmth and acceptance.
“I know. But I want to. I want you to rely on me, Josh. Please, let me help you.”
And that’s what seems to be the breaking point for the redhead, as tears begin to fall and he feels his walls break down.
“I don’t know why-“ He breathes, voice cracking as it claws its way out of his throat. All of his defenses are trying desperately to stop him, terrified of rejection and judgement, but Josh keeps going anyways. Because this is Tyler; Tyler, who just opened up to him about what must’ve been an intensely private thing. Tyler, who was trying to tell him that it’s okay to trust him.
So he does.
“Everything - Everything just hurts and I- I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to hurt anybody but I keep snapping and I can’t sleep and I’m such a idiot because I should be better than this, I should- I should have more control and be more mature but I can’t and it hurts-“
His constricting throat cuts him off, tears leaking down his cheeks in a traitorous show of said lack of control. But before he can even try to regain any composure, familiar warm arms are pulling him into an embrace, and Josh finally, finally, lets himself fully break.
All the pieces to the facade he’d so carefully crafted blow apart and he feels raw once the defense is gone. Now he’s baring everything to Tyler, because Josh wants so bad for someone to just know he’s hurting and not feel like he’s hurting them in the process. He wants to feel like he’s not crazy and that it’s not stupid to feel like he’s slowly decaying on the inside.
In the end he doesn’t say any of it, but Tyler holds him tight anyways.
---
Tyler asks their roommates to room with each other so Josh and Tyler can talk.
No one complains, but there are definitely concerned questions being shot Josh’s way that he is not able to answer, so he lets Tyler reflect them away. And the singer does; Josh’s hand held tightly in his, Tyler shields him from the barrage being directed at him with a precisely protective edge.
While everything is being settled, Josh feels the exhaustion creep in now that his emotions have run their course, but he pushes it down. Now is when he was finally going to come clean about what’s been up with him - no matter how childish it is - and leave the ball in Tyler’s court. It’s terrifying to not have any control over how his best friend will react, but he just breathes past the screaming in his mind that’s slowly beginning to make him nauseas.
He needs to do this.
Once their stuff is relocated into the newly designated rooms and they’re inside, Josh feels incredibly awkward.
Where does he even begin? What does he say? That he let the little things their fans said about their roles in the band get to him? That he felt like he was playing second fiddle compared to how absolutely incredible Tyler was? That he just got bothered by everything and didn’t know how to handle it so he closed himself off? He couldn’t sleep because the only thing that seemed to be able to quiet his mind was another person and the only person Josh was close enough with was Tyler?
Mind racing, Josh doesn’t even realize he’d zoned out in his internal panic until gentle hands are reaching up to cup his face.
“Hey, what’s going on in there?” Tyler asks him softly, tapping index fingers lightly against Josh’s temples for emphasis. It takes a few moments for the drummer to focus his gaze on his friend’s, mind racing even in the fog that had tried to settle over it.
“It’s stupid. You should know, Tyler, it’s so stupid.” Josh breathes, brows furrowing as the weight of how utterly idiotic he’d been acting dawns upon him. He doesn’t need anything; he’s fine.
“No, nope; Josh, I want to listen to you, okay? It doesn’t matter how stupid you might think it is, I want to know about it.” Tyler tells him, eyes earnest and imploring as they lock with the drummer’s.
And Josh can tell Tyler’s trying to grip onto that openness that felt like it was slipping away from even Josh himself, and there’s a part of him that wants it to. Wants to avoid the vulnerability that will come from talking to Tyler about this; but he just gives a shaky nod anyways and pushes down the burn to run and hide.
He gets a soft smile in return, as Tyler leads him further into the room and strips off his jacket. He helps Josh get his off as well, and the drummer kind of wants to feel indignant at being treated so carefully, but his focus was on other things and exhaustion was still creeping tauntingly in the back of his mind enough that he barely even registers it.
In what feels like no time at all they’re seated facing each other on the bed, covers pulled up to take off the chilly edge that had settled over their skins.
“So,” Tyler begins, voice soft and soothing as he tries to coax Josh into feeling more comfortable, “How are you feeling? Right now. And you can’t tell me you’re fine, because I know that that’s not the truth.”
And at that, Josh blinks in surprise. He was preparing himself to spill everything right off the bat, so to have Tyler’s immediate first question be about how he is? It makes him feel so, so incredibly warm.
He gives a shrug, though, hunching his shoulders in a little as he does. “I’m...” It’s hard to find the right words to describe how he’s feeling right now, because everything in his head feels insanely jumbled and convoluted. His obvious first instinct is to just say ‘I’m fine’ like he always did, but was he actually?
He knew he wasn’t, and Tyler most definitely knew, given the way he’d already ruled out that basic answer. And he owed his best friend the truth at least, after all this time. But the problem with that was, he didn’t know what said truth was, exactly. If he could put labels on the chaos humming through his brain, what would they even be?
“I’m tired. Of - well, I think the crying took it out of me, but I think there’s other things too, maybe? It’s hard to say. I don’t know.” He says, giving a soft laugh at himself in a deprecating way because he of all people would be the one to know, wouldn’t he?
“That’s fine, Josh. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.” Tyler responds, voice earnest and imploring as he leans forward a little. “Emotions are funny things, yano? They can be super confusing to understand, and that’s pretty normal.”
The words are soft and understanding, and Josh is filled with another rush of gratefulness for his best friend. Tyler was giving him a way out here; to shut the topic down and have no more questions on it. But Josh wants to give this clarity to Tyler. He might not know what to say - especially because certain things felt like land mines that might set him off the rails again - but he can try to get it all across.
“Yeah, that... Pretty much sums it up, honestly. Everything just feels painful and sad and all over the place right now.” It’s the best he can do, but by the look on Tyler’s face it’s more than he’d expected and that somehow makes Josh inordinately happy.
“Then... Can you tell me about when it kinda started to feel like that? Because I’ve recently discovered you’re an amazing actor, Josh, and I think I only picked up on so much.”
Blinking, Josh feels almost relieved that they’d shifted away from talking about his emotions. But at the same time, thinking back to when everything really started was more than a little confusing as well. It feels like it’s been going on for so long and started so subtlety that it’s hard for him to pinpoint the beginning. But looking back, the first memory of the now-familiar uncomfortable churning he had on this tour might’ve been the video.
He winces when he thinks about it, the stabbing at his conscience growing just a bit sharper at the memory of it.
“There was... A video. I think that’s maybe around when it started, anyway- but, um, I was looking through Insta and randomly found it. It just talked a lot about me the reasons why I shouldn’t be in the band.” And Tyler’s gaze suddenly has a shade of fury to it, so Josh just averts his eyes and hurries on. “But I knew it was just a hate video! I just... I just couldn’t stop watching it, yano? Til it finished. And it made me think that maybe I was - maybe I was coming across bad, or, or hurting the band unintentionally. I know it wasn’t nice, but...”
After taking a breath, he risks a glance up and is met with Tyler, who looks hurt and angry. Confusion sweeps over him, wondering why his best friend would be angry. Unless he was angry at Josh for something?
At that thought, fear begins to trickle in as he watches Tyler open his mouth, so he looks down again plows on before the singer can say anything. The rush to avoid the possible anger doesn’t give him courage per say, but it does give incentive, so that’s what he runs with.
“Anyways, after that I guess I just started taking things to heart? Which is stupid and childish, obviously - I know, don’t worry - but it just happened and I didn’t know what to do about it. So I avoided talking to people because it made me nervous of what they’d say and then what they would say would, like, stick with me, and then it got to where I couldn’t sleep because now my mind never stops screaming at me, but then you started sleeping with me and it helped so much but it made me scared because I don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of me - I don’t want you to see me like this because it’s so stupid, God, I just made it such a big deal on accident and I’m sorry, I tried - I tried to make sure it wasn’t a problem I’m sorry Ty-“
Hands are gripping his shoulders now, and Josh shoots his head up to see Tyler kneeling before him. His mouth is ajar and his eyes look watery and pained, which is somehow worse than the anger Josh was trying to avoid.
Wow, he really was a bad person, wasn’t he? He just kept hurting Tyler no matter what he did-
“Josh,” Tyler breathes, bringing up a hand to brush a thumb across Josh’s cheek and oh, was he crying again? He was also breathing really fast too, now that he thought about it- “It’s not stupid - it’s not stupid at all. You hurting could never be stupid. Please, please don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault there are nasty people out there who try to tear you down just for being you; it’s theirs.”
And then Josh is being pulled into a tight embrace, and he’s already cried, darn it, why is he crying again?
The body-wracking sobs that come from him only make the arms hold him tighter as he buries his face into Tyler’s neck.
Maybe this is what he’d been craving; an embrace and assurance despite laying everything out - especially after it was laid out in such a messy and ugly way. He wanted to feel like it wasn’t just all in his head, wanted to know that it was real and it was painful.
“It’s me who should be sorry - and I’m so sorry, Josh. I should’ve realized, I should’ve seen it a long time ago but I didn’t want to force you and I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me - that you felt like you couldn’t open up to me. But I’ll be here now, I promise. You can talk to me, about anything. I won’t leave you.” And it takes Josh a moment to realize the sobs aren’t just his, and that Tyler’s crying too - clutching him as tightly as possible to his chest as if fearing he’ll lose him.
He feels a well confusion at Tyler’s words, though. Why would his best friend be trying to take the blame, when if it hadn’t been for Tyler, everything would’ve been so much worse? All Tyler had known was that something was off, and that had been enough for him to take action. How much more did he think he should’ve done?
“No - No, that’s not- Ty, you’ve done so much for me, you know? It would’ve been so much worse if it - if it hadn’t been for you.” The words sound choked through his tears and the sobs catching in his throat, but he manages to get them out anyway.
At the words, Tyler lets out a sob before bringing a hand up to cup the back of Josh’s head.
They stay like that for a long time, clutching at eachother almost desperately. While doing so, Tyler whispers the words of affirmation and comfort Josh has been craving with such abandon that it almost makes the drummer dizzy. Everything he’d wanted was right there, and he could just take it.
So he does.
Eventually, they end up lying down in a familiar position; Tyler wrapped fiercely and protectively around Josh, who’s tucked closely against his lithe body.
Once his breathing evens out a little more and the hiccuping sobs fade, Tyler begins to hum a soft melody. Josh, hands clutching his best friends shirt like he’s afraid he’ll slip away, can’t help the warmth curling in his shaky heart as he lets his eyes close and his mind drift.
For the first time in a long time, he thinks he’ll be okay.
”Together we go.”