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RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
When the doors to the Main Criminal Investigation Unit slam open, Captain Luo Wenzhou steps in, serious like a stormcloud about to break, scans the room with narrowed eyes, and growls, “You both – my room – now.”
Lang Qiao grabs her notebook and a pencil, but pauses at Xiao Haiyang’s desk. “Did you see the bags under his eyes?” she murmurs under her breath. “Someone is not getting their beauty sleep.”
Behind his glasses, furiously cleaned but slightly askew on his nose, Xiao Haiyang blinks several times. “It’s 8.30 in the morning. Doesn’t he always come at this hour? And we are not working on any urgent cases now, so why – ”
“Does my imperial daughter require a separate invitation?” Captain Luo’s overly kindly voice over their shoulders makes Lang Qiao’s skin break out in goosebumps, and she makes a beeline for the captain’s room.
The room is small enough to feel crowded with more than two people in it, but with a judicious application of elbows and some natural talent for blocking and evasion, Lang Qiao assumes her favourite spot to the left of the captain’s desk and her most obedient and eager-to-please pose.
The spot to the captain’s right remains conspicuously empty. “Where is Deputy Captain Tao?”
“I am glad you all noticed. You must be detectives or something.” Captain Luo says, taking his seat. “I sent Tao Ran to the Registrar’s Office early this morning.”
Xiao Haiyang visibly brightens up. “Is he working on a new case? Is that what this is about?”
“This is more important than a new case.” Captain Luo holds each of their gazes in turn for a long moment, and then, satisfied with the levels of importance his words have instilled in his team, continues. “I need you to stay alert, keep your eyes open, and act normally.”
“How is this different from how we act every day?” Lang Qiao asks, very reasonably.
Captain Luo does not deign to give her a response. “And most importantly, I want you out of Tao Ran’s way.”
“So he is working on an important case,” mutters Xiao Haiyang.
“He is –” the captain takes another dramatic pause here “– thinking of proposing. And I need you to be on your best behavior.”
“Oooh,” says Lang Qiao at the same time that Xiao Haiyang says, “Whuh?”
Lang Qiao looks at Xiao Haiyang with pity. Men, they need all the help they can get. “I’ll explain to you later,” she tells him.
“As long as you understand,” Captain Luo says. “Now, there is actually a new case for you.” He nods at a folder on his desk. “Scram, children. Make yo ur father proud.”
***
The stakeout at the reported location of an underground brothel is not much fun. It stopped being fun when Xiao Haiyang stopped getting red and blotchy in the face whenever someone said ‘prostitute’. The boy is growing, Lang Qiao thinks from the cloud-piercing peaks of her own worldly wisdom.
“I think we need to investigate this,” Lang Qiao says.
Xiao Haiyang pauses with his water bottle raised to his mouth. “We’re already investigating this. Our orders were to — ”
“Oh, I don’t mean the brothel,” Lang Qiao waves him off. “I meant Deputy Tao’s proposal.”
Xiao Haiyang fumbles his bottle, but catches it before any water spills on his uniform. “Isn’t that his own private business?”
Lang Qiao looks at Xiao Haiyang with all the condescension his opinion deserves. “Have you seen Deputy Tao? He dresses in clothes that must have been manufactured in the late Qing dynasty. Left to his own devices, what kind of a proposal would he come up with for the lady of his heart?” In fact, in Lang Qiao’s opinion, none of the men in the Main Criminal Investigation Unit are particularly trustworthy as romantic leads. President Fei has some potential, especially if one is in the mood for domineering director-generals, but even he has his shortcomings.
In fact, the more she thinks about it, the more convinced Lang Qiao becomes that it is her duty as the only woman in their department to oversee the whole affair. Lend it a woman’s soft touch, so to say.
“I suppose…” Xiao Haiyang says, dubious. “Chief Luo had those really dark circles today — do you think he is worried, too?”
“We should split up,” Lang Qiao continues, not listening to him. “I’m going to tail Deputy Tao and see what he’s up to, and you should —”
“Stay out of the way, like Chief Luo wanted us to?” he says, without much hope in his voice.
“And you see what you can find out from Captain Luo. I’m sure you can wear even him down. You’re a good investigator,” Lang Qiao says, looking at the entrance of the night club. “Oh, here is our suspect. Let’s go!"
***
Tailing Tao Ran is not a particularly hard job, especially when he makes no effort to hide, but it turns out to be more mind-numbing than any of their stakeouts. No dead bodies to spice up the scene on this dull Friday evening, only the world’s slowest crawl from one cheap grocery store to another. Lang Qiao briefly experiences a spike of excitement when the route steers them towards slightly less unfashionable shops — only to sag back down into interminable boredom when it turns out that Deputy Tao only meant to swing by the barber’s to get his regular unfashionable haircut.
It is the man’s god-given luck that he looks like a Bambi, Lang Qiao thinks. With a face like his, even someone with a granny’s taste in fashion and the modest but hard-earned salary of a Bureau investigator could hope to find someone to marry. Lang Qiao gently pats the corners of her own eyes with the tips of her fingers and feels reassured about her own marriage prospects.
But while doe eyes might have given Deputy Tao a free pass out of the land of overworked bachelors, his absolute lack of awareness or appreciation for the finer things in life spells nothing but failure for any grand romantic gestures. Lang Qiao irritably drums her fingers against the steering wheel and wonders if she should just step out of the car and drag him bodily towards a jeweler’s to make sure he does at least this bit right.
She has almost convinced herself to intervene when Tao Ran surprises her by driving his car towards Yan City’s East District, aglow with lights from many high-end shops and restaurants.
Finally, Deputy Tao has seen the light! Lang Qiao puts her car in a higher gear and drives a short distance behind him. She wonders if he is headed to the large department store, or one of the smaller boutiques lined up along the central pedestrian walkway, with their storefronts winking at the passers-by with their expensive wares.
Tao Ran’s car, however, pulls over and he steps into a hipster cafe, looking incredibly out of place in it. Lang Qiao frowns. If it was a nice restaurant, she would have thought Deputy Tao was arranging to book a table there, or checking out the venue, but a hipster cafe — even one in East District — is too strange to be a proposal venue for a tireless workhorse of the City Bureau.
Lang Qiao’s frown falls off her face — possibly along with her jaw — when a woman enters the cafe, looking like she has walked out of one of the advertisements from the shiny boutique windows, walks straight to Tao Ran, and envelops him in a hug. Tao Ran’s arms flail for a moment before they land delicately on her waist.
“That’s not his girlfriend!” Lang Qiao gasps, and claps a hand over her mouth, as if someone could overhear her in her own car. That is less likely than someone seeing Tao Ran with his luxuriously dressed, beautiful paramour through the glass walls of the cafe, because they are making no effort to stay hidden. The woman drags him to one of the tables, fusses over his appearance, and holds one exquisitely manicured hand up to cup his cheek – all the while Deputy Tao is sending her warm smiles. Lang Qiao realizes she has been biting into a paper tissue so aggressively that it has been shredded into thin noodle-sized strips.
“What is he doing,” she mutters under her breath as she shakes the paper pieces off her lap. She starts dialling Xiao Haiyang’s number, but puts her phone down before the line connects: better to watch this to the end, she decides, and properly panic after. The only thing she is sure of is that the mystery woman is not Tao Ran’s girlfriend, whom Lang Qiao has seen once before, when she dropped by the Bureau with some food for their squad. Captain Luo was oddly maudlin that day, she remembers; perhaps her Imperial Father doesn’t actually like his food provider monopoly threatened.
Lang Qiao watches her two suspects from her car and meticulously notes each time the woman tosses back her flawless hair (five), pats Deputy Tao’s hand (three), hands him a note, presumably of a romantic nature (once), and scolds him, probably for not calling more often (once, before the mystery woman collects her tiny handbag, pays the bill, despite Tao Ran’s protests — that useless Romeo! — and flutters out of the cafe). Deputy Captain Tao Ran sits at the table for another long minute , tentatively holding her note between his fingers. With what seems like a big sigh, he rubs a hand across his face and hides the note in his pocket before leaving.
Lang Qiao follows his car all the way back to his apartment before she picks up her phone again and calls Xiao Haiyang. The call goes to voicemail, and so does the next one, and the one after that.
***
Xiao Haiyang’s covert operation has not been going as expected. To be honest, he didn’t plan anything more than making a half-hearted enquiry to Chief Luo, just to be able to truthfully report back to Lang Qiao that he tried his best and failed, but evidently he failed even in that.
“What are you hanging around for, it’s the end of the working day.” Captain Luo gives him a momentary glance, not pausing what he was doing. “Have you eaten today, Little Glasses? Come with me. I need to have the run of the kitchen today, anyway.”
This is how Xiao Haiyang, bewildered, finds himself at the captain’s apartment. His bewilderment only increases when he finds that the only other person in there is President Fei.
“There must have been a new case, after all,” he mutters to himself, as he watches President Fei exchange a knowing glance with the captain’s fat cat behind Chief Luo’s back. Fei Du has lent his expertise often enough to the Bureau’s most delicate cases, more often than not in an unofficial capacity. This must be the explanation for the air of familiarity between him and the captain, Xiao Haiyang supposes.
Does that mean that Captain Luo has invited Xiao Haiyang here today so he could also be part of a secret operation? The thought sends a thrill down his spine, which straightens even more than usual. Xiao Haiyang clasps his hands on his knees and vibrates in his seat, impatient to learn more about whatever this new mystery case is about.
“Is the kitchen covered in chocolate again?” Captain Luo calls, accompanied by the clanging and thumping of crockery. “What a waste of food… Why are you even so hell-bent on baking that cake yourself? Don’t you have five-star chefs ready to line up at your beck and call?”
“So you keep saying,” President Fei responds amicably as he picks cat hair off his chair with a lint roller. “Do you know what else you keep saying? That a useless fuerdai like myself has no hope for improving my character unless I roll up my sleeves and put in a few hours of honest work.”
“If my memory serves me well, the last time I said that was when you changed the light bulb in the bathroom. And that was entirely for your own benefit!” Captain Luo emerges from the kitchen and turns to look at Xiao Haiyang. “Hot and sour soup good with you?”
Xiao Haiyang nods, and realizes he has kept on nodding long after Chief Luo went back to the kitchen when Fei Du addresses him. “I don’t suppose you fancy a drink?” he says, without much hope, and walks towards the captain’s liquor cabinet. “You must be off duty now, but you have that youthful look that suggests you are not allowed to drink anyway. Do you — ”
“Stop sleazing up around Little Glasses, it won’t get you more wine!”
President Fei gives a blasé shrug at Captain Luo’s loud voice. With his eye on the most comfortable-looking armchair, he pads across the room, but gets subverted last minute by the fat cat, which jumps onto the cushions, turns its butt to President Fei’s face, and makes a big show of stretching. Instead of looking for a spare seat on the couch, like any polite houseguest would do, President Fei scoops up the fat cat with a practiced motion, and before the animal can put up a fight, flips their positions so that the cat’s only choice is now to rest on Fei Du’s lap, or walk off in search of more hospitable pastures.
The cat growls and sinks its claws into President Fei’s visibly expensive pant legs. President Fei winces but refuses to move, and places a hand on the cat’s neck instead. The two reach a mutually uncomfortable but evidently acceptable impasse, balancing the need to defend territory with basic comfort.
Xiao Haiyang finds himself blinking very fast again. He thinks about making an excuse to leave, but then Chief Luo calls them both into the kitchen.
The fragrant heat of the soup chases Xiao Haiyang’s worries away for a few pleasant minutes, but when all the noodles have been inhaled and the spoon scrapes against the bottom of the bowl, the weight of his discovery once again lies heavy in Xiao Haiyang’s heart.
To think that President Fei has been taking advantage of Captain Luo! For how long has this been going on? This may be in more dire need of intervention than anything Deputy Tao Ran is up to. Deputy Tao is responsible and diligent, and whatever Lang Qiao says, Xiao Haiyang doesn’t think Deputy Tao needs any help with his proposal. This, however!.. He thinks back to all the instances when Chief Luo brought them food (several times in a regular week, and always when they were working overtime on something urgent), stepped up to shoulder the burden of their mistakes (sure, he did give them a thorough chewing out afterwards, but never threw any of his own under the bus for political reasons… unlike Xiao Haiyang’s first boss), or gave them the benefit of the doubt when they were acting of their own volition (well… not without a chewing out later for that as well, but it still counts).
In other words, Chief Luo has such a big heart, and for someone like President Fei — someone who could not be wanting for anything in this life, a playboy born with a silver spoon in his mouth — to take advantage of Chief Luo’s kindness! Of his… preferences! Xiao Haiyang does not consider himself knowledgeable in matters of the heart, but even to him this looks like a recipe for guaranteed heartbreak.
He must speak to Lang Qiao about this, he decides. He tries to discreetly fish his phone out of his uniform pocket, but realizes he must have left it in his jacket. Captain Luo notices his fidgeting and says, “Do you want another helping? Actually, you know what, forget another bowl of soup. You should eat dessert. There is too much goddamn cake in this house.” Before Xiao Haiyang can respond, Captain Luo stands up and starts rummaging in the fridge. “There is chocolate mousse, chocolate and caramel cake, triple chocolate cake, raspberry chocolate — you know what, I’m just going to give you some of it to eat now and more to take away. Someone has been baking his heart out.”
President Fei takes a dainty sip of water and says, “You know how I feel about Tao Ran, though.”
“Yeah yeah… There is a lot of heart to bake out there, for our Tao Tao.” Chief Luo dishes out the cake and pauses to look at President Fei. The tenderness in the captain’s eyes makes Xiao Haiyang start blinking fast again, and he hastens to hide his face behind a large helping of a lumpy chocolate cake. Or maybe triple chocolate, he isn’t sure.
The tragedy of it! How bewitched is Captain Luo, to be wrapped around the little finger of a man who professes to love another! This is definitely out of Xiao Haiyang’s depth. He needs to consult an expert, and fast. Lang Qiao will be so upset when heartbroken Chief Luo stops bringing them food!
“Is the cake that bad?” President Fei asks in a small voice. “You seem to be crying into it.”
***
The next day finds them all in the office again — a dead body found on the premises of the purported brothel summons the whole team into the Bureau well before 8 am. Lang Qiao and Xiao Haiyang have reported their findings and observations to Chief Luo, and he is now conferring with Deputy Tao behind closed doors. It is shaping up to be an exciting case, but Lang Qiao cannot find it in herself to care about this at the moment.
“He said what?!” Trying to make sense of Xiao Haiyang’s report about his visit to Chief Luo’s apartment while her teammate looks on the verge of tears without giving away that they are running a covert op is proving more annoying that Lang Qiao is willing to deal with before a good breakfast.
“Captain Luo’s virtue… good heart…knows about President Fei’s wanton ways… chocolate mousse…”
She has to drag him to the cafeteria for a cup of sesame oil-flavoured coffee, over which she interrogates him with more efficiency.
She doesn’t spend too much time gloating over the fact that Little Glasses, in his innocence, has not tuned in to the radio station that has been broadcasting loud and clear for many moons now the dangerous liaisons between the domineering CEO and the captain of the elite police task force. There are more important tasks at hand now, such as —
“I can’t believe how many Casanovas there are in the Bureau!” she says, indignant. “How is a young girl like me supposed to get married after keeping company with this lot!”
Xiao Haiyang opens his mouth, as if to protest, and then wisely closes it again.
Lang Qiao briefs him on what she has learnt on her end, and together, they sit in silence, contemplating the drastically diminished chances of a successful, sweep-you-off-your-feet proposal that was supposed to have paved the way for Deputy Tao’s happy marriage.
They are not great, they decide.
Lang Qiao’s phone buzzes.
“Where are you slacking off at?” Captain Luo’s voice gripes in her ear. “Come upstairs this instant, unless you want to donate your share of food to your teammates.”
Food has never yet failed to cheer up Lang Qiao. “Coming right up!” she says, promptly hangs up and starts towing the still droopy-looking Xiao Haiyang by the arm. She wonders if it is the usual takeout delivery from Captain Luo, or one of the times when it is President Fei doing it for him, which — bribes to ingratiate himself with the team or not — have been the highlight of her week, whenever they happened.
Turns out, neither.
“We have not prepared for this!” Lang Qiao hisses into Xiao Haiyang’s ear, squeezing his arm. The source of sustenance is Tao Ran’s girlfriend, who has apparently brought a full bag of homemade breakfast foods for the team to cheer them up on after being called in on a Saturday morning. “The poor woman has no clue what’s going on!” Oh, how cruelly she has been led on, Lang Qiao thinks, and she herself has completely failed her comrade by not stepping in and telling her the truth of the matter, even at the cost of Deputy Tao’s happiness. Lang Qiao has failed her in womanly solidarity! While she brought a home-made breakfast for the team!
Completely unaware of the agony in Lang Qiao’s soul, Tao Ran’s girlfriend sets out the plastic boxes on the tables, warmly inviting everyone to dig in. She sets aside a bigger, nicer lunchbox — for Tao Ran, Lang Qiao realizes, the ungrateful bastard! the unrepentant libertine! — which she carries to his desk as the last order of business.
Tao Ran — the wolf in sheep’s clothing! the Bambi-eyed prowling tiger! — smiles and accepts the lunchbox with thanks. He opens the lid, ready to compliment his girlfriend, and the next thing Lang Qiao knows, the lid is skittering loudly across the floor, and Deputy Tao’s face is so comically twisted and splotched with color that he looks painted with crayons.
“Is this — are you — a joke?” Never the best of communicators in the presence of his girlfriend, Deputy Tao gives up trying to speak entirely in favour of making weak fish noises as he points to the contents of his lunchbox. There, in beautifully carved vegetables layered artistically over steamed rice, everyone can make out the characters that read ‘Will you marry me?’
In contrast to Deputy Tao, his girlfriend remains serene, if only a little pink in the face. “Not a joke at all. I kept waiting, because it looked like you were going to ask, and then something always came up… So I thought I’d do it myself!” She laughs gently as Tao Ran’s face goes through an entirely new palette of pink at her words. “You know, they say, anything a man can do, a woman can do better.”
Chief Luo laughs with approval, and slaps Tao Ran on his shoulder. “Taotao, you’ve been outdone!”
“But… I was going to buy the ring next week… the shop… just got your mother’s recommendations yesterday…”
Their captain laughs again. “Comrade Mu Xiaoqing knows her stuff, but clearly your ladybird knows you even better.” He turns to Tao Ran’s now-fiancée and asks, “Right, lady, do you want us to leave you two alone for a minute? I’m sure I can find something to occupy these gawking bystanders for a while.”
At that, Deputy Tao’s fiancée starts to shake her head and make excuses to leave, but this is where Lang Qiao’s senses come back to her. (In her defense, realizing that Captain Luo has a mother as beautiful as Tao Ran’s ‘paramour’ from yesterday is enough to send anyone into a shock.) “Deputy Tao, she needs you!” she stage-whispers angrily. “Step up!”
The words seem to shake some of the daze out of Tao Ran’s head, and he gently puts his lunchbox down — Lang Qiao will take a picture of it later, because the men in her department are absolutely not to be trusted to appreciate a good romantic gesture — takes his fiancée by the hand, brings it to his lips and says, “Yes”, as he lands a gentle kiss across her knuckles. “Yes, let’s get married. But et’s talk first?”
Similarly pink in the face now, and smiling up to their ears, they leave the Bureau with a vague promise from Deputy Tao to be back later sometime. Captain Luo shouts at their retreating backs, “Swing by my place in the evening! In fact, you can take a day off and come straight there! Fei Du has prepared a gift for you on this occasion.”
Tao Ran pauses, starts to say, “How did he —” and then turns back to his fiancée. “You know what, that can wait. See you later.” They walk out of the Bureau hand in hand.
Lang Qiao wipes a single tear, before it can ruin her mascara and her standing as a ruthless, cold-blooded policewoman.
Next to her, Xiao Haiyang raises his arm like a schoolboy. “What about President Fei and his thing —“
“Oh, grow up,” Lang Qiao shrugs him off. “They are adults and can figure out their arrangements by themselves.”
“But this is the exact opposite of what you said earlier,” Xiao Haiyang says, perhaps not unreasonably. But today is not a day for reason, she reckons. Today is a day for romance.
Captain Luo, as always, puts an end to her daydreams. “Are you all out of work for the day? If that’s the case, I don’t see why we should be all here on a fine Saturday morning.”
All right. Work first, but then — romance.