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Chapter Text

Journal!

Went fishing as planned, and lo and behold, Kent showed up. So did his kids. I took my setup to the docks and threw out my line, next thing I know, footsteps.

It was… good? Peaceful. Sam was too tired to chatter much. Can’t say the same for the little one. Really Vincent did all of the talking for us, but that worked out just fine. Both him and Sam dozed off after an hour or so, leaned up in a sort of cuddle train against their father.

It was pretty precious.

Haul wasn’t bad either.

Good day.

TUESDAY  FALL 16

Journal:

Another day of farming! Little Espresso sure is getting big. Chickens are all doing well. Trying to decide what to do with that southwestern chunk of land I can’t do much with. Brainstorming some ideas with Robin… nothing concrete yet, though.

Fair is in town this week, tomorrow ‘til the weekend. We went and watched it get set up for a bit there just above the town square. Got rides this year, part of drawing attention to the downtown renewal, get people visiting.

Haley’s pretty excited for the Ferris wheel… can’t say I feel the same… just looking at it made my stomach squeeze. But maybe we can still do a fun date night.

Haley was on top of me, grinding her hips slowly. She had woken up in a mood, nibbling on my neck the moment I showed any signs of consciousness. Wouldn’t let me out of bed until I gave her some time and attention.

Not that I was complaining.

It was slow and sweet, the way she moved on me. Nothing was hurried and we had nowhere to be, so we took our time. I smoothed my hands up her body and she held them against her breasts, kissing my fingers while she looked down on me.

“Such a pretty girl…” I mumbled. Her messy hair was framed by tiny white lights and the early morning light was creeping in, giving everything a glow.

“Such a handsome man.” she whispered back, leaning down to kiss me. She moved down to my neck and giggled, and I asked why.

“No reason.” she said, nipping my throat and making me groan. “Just thinkin’ how nice it’s gonna be to cozy up with you this winter.”

“Yeah? Is that what’s got you in such a mood?”

“Mhm…” Haley braced her hands on my chest and arched her back, putting her beautiful breasts right in front of me, just barely out of reach. I complained, and she indulged me, leaning forward so I could take them with my mouth and lavish them like they deserved to be. Haley whimpered, grinding against me more deeply.

“Dreamt of you n’ me bein’ holed up in a cave during a snowstorm, trapped. Just you n’ me with nothin’ to do but melt the snow…”

“Yeah?” I mumbled over her breasts.

“Yeah… it was a lot like this.” she sighed, draping herself over me, elbows braced against the mattress, smothering me with her breasts.

Not that I was complaining.

Haley’s hips quickened, grinding deep while she tugged my hair and held me close.

“Yes…” she breathed, one hand flying up to brace against the headboard, the other still tight in my hair. “This is all I want, ngh… for the rest of my life…”

I held her hips and thrust into her as deep as I could, feeling the sparks gather in my gut.

“Will you give it to me, Roy?” Haley asked. I grunted, but she just asked again.

“Please?”

I pulled my mouth from her breast, gasping for air as we raced for the peak together.

“Yes, of course. All for you.”

Haley cried out and came crashing down, body tightening around mine and demanding I follow. I did, fingers digging into her ass as I pumped myself deep, giving her all of me.

She stayed on top for a little bit after, and I wasn’t in a hurry for her to leave. It felt too nice to run my palms over her skin, feel our bodies twitch in time with each other as we came down. After a few more cozy moments, she pushed herself up, stretching luxuriously above me with her arms over her head.

"Mm, good morning." she giggled.

"Good morning." I said back, patting her rear appreciatively.

"Suppose we oughta get out of bed."

"Well, we do have a full day of chores. My farmgirl."

"Hee. My farmboy." Haley leaned down and nuzzled my nose. “Don’t forget I’m goin’ out with the girls for a bit tonight.”

“I’ll be waiting for you by the door with the dog.”

Haley giggled again and kissed me, then we rolled out of bed to start our day.

. . .

Shane stuffed his bag into his usual locker with a heavy sigh. He wasn’t in the mood to work out, feeling very little motivation about things in general. But Alex was always going on about how discipline was more important than motivation anyway. So he kept his schedule and showed up for his twice-weekly appointment at the little gym next to the spa.

Alex was already there, of course. He often started his workout before Shane showed up, and finished long after he left. He paused his treadmill and hopped over, a wide smile splitting his tan face.

“Hey-hey! Glad you could make it, man!” he clapped Shane roughly on the back, just like he did almost every time they met. “You ready to get started?”

“I guess.” Shane grunted, rolling his shoulders. Alex tilted his head, taking in Shane’s overall posture. He was kinda… slumpy. Broodier than usual.

“We can keep it light if you’re not feelin’ up to it. You doin’ all right, man?”

“Yeah no, I’m fine. Just kinda, I dunno, low energy, I guess.”

“Okay, no worries. Did you eat today?”

“’Course I ate today.” Shane frowned. Alex propped his hands on his hips with an aloof grin.

“What did you eat today?”

Shane rolled his eyes.

“Food, Alex. Eggs, toast, breakfast shit.”

“Breakfast? Yeah it’s uh, noon, buddy. You had anything recently?”

Shane grunted and threw his arms out in defeat.

“Look, I snarfed a candy bar and a soda on the way up here, you happy? It’s all I had on me.”

“Yeah, man, jeez, as long as you had something!” Alex held his hands up defensively. “I don’t wanna work you on an empty stomach is all! We can keep it a little light today.”

“Don’t baby me.” Shane sneered. Alex sighed, lowering his hands.

“I’m not babying you, dude. I’m just trying to gauge where you are right now so I know how to best support you.”

Shane, still grumpy, eyed Alex skeptically.

“You’re not gonna give me shit for fuckin’ up my diet?”

Alex shrugged, putting his hands on his hips.

“Don’t owe me an explanation. I’m happy to give you tips if you want, but I’m not actually here to tell you what to do with your body. I just wanna workout with you.”

“Oh.” Shane looked down, temper deflating. All that preemptive self-defense suddenly snuffed out. Alex bobbled his head with thought.

“That said, candy and bread is all quick energy, high sugar, so it’s not really gonna sustain you, that’s why I suggested keeping it light. But hey, we’ll do whatever you want.”

Shane sighed, still looking down.

“No, no. We’ll do whatever you think is best. I just… get sensitive about this shit, apparently.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Shane wrinkled his nose in disgust. Then he dropped the expression and gestured helplessly. “Can we at least like, start the warmup first?”

“Sure, man.” Alex laughed.

They got set up on the treadmills. Alex adjusted his from running to a brisk walk so he could be more on level with Shane’s pace, and open for conversation.

“All right, so tell me.” He barely waited ten steps before diving right back in. “What’s buggin’ you? I’m not putting too much pressure on you, am I?”

“No… ugh.” Shane dropped his head back, gesturing emptily. This ‘talking about his feelings’ shit was difficult to get used to.

“No, I just… I’ve been down this road before. Dieting and exercise. Clearly it never worked, so… I dunno, I just… get defensive, I guess.”

They had chatted about it when Shane first joined Alex at the gym, how Shane didn’t really have any hard and fast goals, just figured he’d start somewhere, do something healthy for himself.

“Well…” Alex thought. “Did you… come up with something specific you wanted to work on? You said diet, is there an actual regimen you want to try to stick to?”

“Not really.” Shane said, shrugging. “I’ve always been a big guy, so I don’t have high hopes of changing that, I just… I just wanna, I dunno, get a little stronger, get my body to not feel like shit all the time. And I know eating like shit’s part of the problem.”

“Okay. Well don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s not a death sentence, eating junk food once in a while.”

“Seems rich coming from you.” Shane huffed. Alex reached over to increase the speed on their treadmills, taking them into a light jog.

“Look, people get hung up on dieting whenever health and fitness is brought up, but I’m tellin’ ya, they overthink it. There’s healthy food, right? And food that is less healthy. Candy and soda aren’t ideal, but your body needs fuel, full stop. So if your choices are to go hungry or to eat ‘junk food’…” Alex held up air quotes as he moved, “don’t go hungry! That’s the worst thing you can do for your body. Everything else is just habit building.”

Shane nodded, less interested in talking now that breathing was becoming more of a task.

“Besides,” Alex continued, “I know you’re working on other stuff. Drinking less and all, like you said. And that’s great! But you’re making a lot of changes, good changes, all at once. Show yourself a little grace, okay? Your body is working super hard right now to keep up with everything you want to do.”

“Okay.” Shane grunted. Alex’s words were landing somewhere in the back of his brain, but at the moment, he needed to focus on breathing. Alex went on unprompted.

“But hey, if you need some stuff that travels easy, is quick to make, and packs a nutritious punch, I got some recipes. Whaddya say I make us some lunch after this?”

“You don’t… have to do that.” Shane said between breaths. Alex laughed.

“Buddy I don’t have to do anything, and I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to. So what do you say?”

Shane looked at Alex out of the corner of his eye, wondering why this young, strong, and frankly buxom man wanted to help him of all people. He already had a male support group, and honestly it was as much as he was prepared to handle. What if this kept happening? If people kept… befriending him? But if it meant a meal he didn’t have to work for… and it might not be the worst, having a few acquaintances…

“Sure. If you want.” he grunted.

“I do.” Alex laughed, turning up his treadmill.

. . .

That had been days previous, giving Shane a lot of new things to think about. Too many things, actually. So many things, so many changes; it was like boulders springing up around him, bursting from the ground with a great spray of dirt and debris to block his vision and limit his movements. Dust filled his nose and lungs. He could feel the walls closing in, crowding, suffocating the light he’d worked so hard to cultivate within himself. He didn’t see any other way out; he had to run.

. . .

Roy downed another pepper popper, chased with a gulp of fruity something. He was alone, and planned to be for the rest of the evening, with naught but Prince for company. Haley had shown him how to make a few of her favorite drinks before she left, loaded with pineapple, peaches, and rum. Summer in a glass, she called it, best served blended with ice.

Roy had no objections to the drink, especially when it paired so well with the spicy food he liked to eat. He had another helping and offered Prince a less spicy morsel. He patted his own shoulders and Prince reared backwards, offering his paws. Roy grabbed them and they danced in the living room, twisting to the country tunes that poured from the radio. Dancing turned into a game of tug-o-war when Prince grabbed his favorite rope toy, then when he finally tired, he curled up on his bed with something to chew on. Roy rinsed his hands and helped himself to another drink.

An old sci-fi classic was calling his name, so Roy grabbed a snack, drink, then his book, collapsing on the couch. The television was on but muted, and Roy bounced his foot to the radio as he indulged himself. It had been a long time since he’d had time alone, and he was fully enjoying it, having reached that sweet spot of afternoon intoxication where everything felt buzzy and warm. Still, too bad Haley wasn’t home. Roy could think of a few things that would feel especially good right now…

A loud, clumsy thumping jerked Roy out of his pleasurable daze. He dropped his book and sat up, wondering if he’d imagined it. But it came again, from the front door. Prince trotted over and sniffed the air, tail wagging cautiously. Roy set his things down and stumbled over, peeking out the door, then pulling it open wide.

“Shane! He-ey pal! What’re you doin’ here?”

“I dunno.” Shane sniffed. Roy noticed his nose and eyes were red, and he looked more haggard than normal.

“You look like shit, dude.” Roy said before he could stop himself. “No-o, sorry, I didn’t mean that.” he said immediately after. Shane wrinkled his nose and looked Roy up and down.

“Are you drunk, Miller?”

“Hah, yeah… sorry.” Roy laughed in spite of himself.

“You can’t be drunk.”

“Sorry. Am.” Roy shrugged. “You can still come in, though.”

“No!” Shane held his head in his hands, despairing. “No you can’t be drunk because I’m drunk!”

“Haha, why are you drunk?” Roy asked, then his expression immediately sobered. “Oh shit, why are you drunk?”

“I fucked up, Roy!” Shane said, crumbling in on himself. “I fucked up and got fucked up and now I dunno what to do…”

“Well, first is you’re gonna come inside.” Roy hooked his fingers in Shane’s collar and pulled him in, brain desperately trying to sober up even as his words were slurring.

“I should go.” Shane insisted, even as he was tugged around, the door closed behind him. “You don’t need to deal with drunk me again.”

“Yeah, why are you drunk?” Roy asked, almost angrily as he looked at Shane.

“Because fuck it!” Shane yelled, covering his face. “I can’t fuckin’ take it. I was jus’ gon’ have a beer with lunch but one turned into two then three then I drank the whole box and I know I’m not s’posed to drink alone…”

“What, so you’re drunk ‘cause you’re sad?”

“To put it simply!” Shane dropped his hands and opened his eyes so he could gesticulate properly, but there was a shot glass in front of his face, and a great scowl on Roy’s face behind that.

“Drink this.” Roy said.

“What?”

“Drink. This. Now.”

Shane took whatever it was, all yellow and orange and frothy looking.

“What is it?”

“It’s a drink, drink it!” Roy insisted. Shane tipped his head back and downed it, eye twitching slightly at a sour note. But it was tasty. He handed the glass back to Roy, whose mood seemed to have flipped, as he was smiling now. He patted Shane on the shoulder.

“There. Now you’re drunk because you were drinkin’ with a friend.”

Shane frowned.

“Tha’s not how that works.”

“Says who?”

Shane thought for a moment, but came up empty.

“Your mom.”

“Pfft.” Roy laughed and patted Shane’s face, then turned back into the kitchen. ‘Co-ome get food. Then we talk about our feelings. ‘N take off your shoes.”

Shane sighed, but complied. It had been months now since he’d been truly intoxicated, and it was playing hell on his system. A lot of dark impulsive thoughts had been running through his mind, but more than anything… some food and sitting on the couch sounded great. He patted Prince as he settled in comfortably with a plate of peppers with cheese and bread. Roy also plopped a can of soda down. Shane sat and contemplated the situation for a few moments, until he realized he was being stared at.

“Eat.” Roy insisted, holding his own cheesy pepper like he was waiting. Shane frowned, then picked his up and held it near his mouth. Roy mimicked him, and Shane realized he wasn’t going to eat unless Shane did. So he rolled his eyes and took a bite.

It was delicious, because of course it was. It was satisfying to Shane’s tongue, and to his body when it hit his stomach. He hadn’t realized how empty it was except for alcohol and a handful of salad. Smoking a few cigarettes hadn’t helped him feel better, either. Made him feel like he needed some orange juice. He sipped his soda, noticing the lack of emotional boost that he usually got when he ate good home-cooked food. But he took another bite of cheesy pepper and bread anyway.

“So.” Roy said, speaking with his mouth full. He leaned back on the couch, resting his feet on Shane’s lap. “What’appened this afternoon, hm?”

Shane looked down at the presumptuous gesture. The big toe of Roy’s sock was starting to wear thin, and Shane was dangerously close to someone else’s feet. He hadn’t seen anyone else’s feet besides his own and Jas’ in years, and he had some reservations about it. He sort of batted at Roy’s foot but didn’t push it away, instead just covering it with his plate.

“I just… exactly what I said. Fucked up. Fucking stupid as fuck n’ can’t handle shit.”

“Tha’s not productive language.” Roy chided, shaking his foot like an admonishing finger. “Wan’ try again?”

Shane rolled his eyes, frowning at his food and Roy’s foot.

“Save your therapy speak for therapy, Miller.”

“S’not therapy speak.” Roy sniffed, offended. “Is my speak.”

“Yeah, that you learned in therapy.”

Roy returned Shane’s previous eyeroll with one of his own.

“Why I spend all time in therapy if never use it? S’what therapy for, taking into rest of your life. F’you think therapy supposed to stay in therapy, you’re doin’ therapy wrong.”

“Say therapy one more time, Roy.”

Roy took a deep breath and spoke loudly.

“THER-“

Shane reached over and clamped his hand over Roy’s mouth. Roy’s brow furrowed, then he tilted his head and bit Shane’s finger. He yelped and pulled it away, shaking it.

“Fuckin’ animal, damn!”

Roy just pulled his mouth into a vicious, toothy smile. Shane frowned and swallowed down the rest of his pepper, buying time while his booze-soaked brain churned, slowly sorting his messy thoughts into words.

“Everything’s jus’ too much.” he muttered. “Tried so hard to be healthy and good. And everyone’s been so nice n’ helpful.”

“A-and these are… bad things…?” Roy said, trying to get his own brain to follow Shane’s.

Blind leading the blind? More like wine leading the wine. he thought to himself, smothering a chuckle. Shaned scoffed and put his plate on the table, leaning back against the couch and looking up at the ceiling.

“No!” he said, then flopped his hands. “But yeah! It’s… weird. M’not used to it. So I fucked it up.”

“What’dja do to fuck it up, hm?” Roy asked, setting his own plate aside. Shane looked at him with incredulity, then cast his hands out over his own form. Roy snorted.

“Pfft. S’not fuckin’ up. You’se doin’ fine, Shane.”

“Not fine!” Shane pushed himself up, hands balling into fists. “Drunk like a fuckin’ asshole!”

“It’s okay to be drunk sometimes!” Roy said, also standing.

“Not me!” Shane said, shoving Roy. Roy glared, then shoved him right back.

“Why not you?”

“’Cause I’m not s’posed to be drinkin’!” Shane said with another shove. Roy shoved him back again.

“S’not like you swore off a-all alcohol ever! You gave yourself permission to drink! Rebuild yer relationship with booze n’ stuff.”

“But I drank alone n’ this is exactly why I didn’t wanna! Can’t fuckin’ control myself.”

“Yeah, okay, boo-o-o, big bad man, did a bad thing.” Roy waved his hands in a mockery of fright and drama. “So? This isn’t like, a setback, Shane.”

Shane growled in frustration, burying his face in his hands.

“All I wanna do is roll in a fuckin’ ditch and die! What, I’m s’posed to go home like this? No. Not to lil’ Jasmine. Look, look Roy, look at this thing she made me.”

Shane stumbled over and pulled a lump out of his pocket. He presented it to Roy, who had to take a minute to understand what he was seeing; a figurine made out of baked clay. Two chickens, one large and blue, the other small and purple, sat close together, looking happy. Lumpy, uneven, and clearly made by a child, but happy.

“It’s us if we were chickens-s.” Shane said, looking like he wanted to cry. He pulled the figurine back, looking at it closely. “She calls me Papa now, an’ says I smell different, and that I smile more.”

“You do smile more.” Roy interjected. Shane pocketed his keepsake and rubbed his face with his hands.

“She’s just so perfect, Roy, and she’s got me to raise her. I’m just gonna let her down!”

“Why-y do you think you’re gonna let her down?”

“I tried to fuckin’ kill myself, Roy! If I loved her, wouldn’t I have… not done that?”

“Look, love’s powerful…” Roy desperately sought out the right words, but they were slow to appear, even as he willed himself to be sober. “But other shit’s gonna come up, y’know? ‘Sides, you didn’t kill yourself, an’ you got help, an’ lookit how good you’re doin’!”

“Yeah, ‘til like two hours ago! Now I’m back to square one and I never should have tried to be better ‘cause I’m just a stupid sack of shit from day one!”

“Hey!” Roy shoved Shane before he could stop himself. “Stop it. Tha’s my friend you’re talkin’ about.”

Shane snarled and shoved him back.

“Fuck you! Why you so desperate for friends you keep a dipshit like me around?”

“Not desperate!” Roy shoved him again. “I love you on purpose, asshole.”

Something about that got Shane’s attention, and he stopped for a moment. Roy was frowning, looking hurt and angry, but just… like Roy. Wearing a loose, open flannel in buffalo plaid, grease stains on his gray shirt from cooking, hands balled into loose fists of determination. Everything about him expressed comfort and care and resilience.

Not the kind of friend Shane deserved.

“I can’t do this.” Shane said, turning away.

“Hey! Where’d think you’re going?” Roy said, chasing him to the door.

“Leaving. Giving up.” Shane said, going for his shoes.

“The fuck you are.” Roy bodychecked Shane, sending him stumbling away from the door.

“Hey! You’re not the boss of me!” Shane spun around and shoved Roy back.

“You just said you can’t be trusted to control yourself, so I’m not lettin’ you leave alone!” Roy kicked Shane’s shoes out of reach.

“Fuck off, Miller!”

“Fuck you, Reinholdt!”

The two shoved at each other while Prince whined with concern, barking as the men took it to the floor. Roy, being more agile, swept Shane’s leg with his foot so they fell, and Shane, being more heavy, rolled to pin Roy. They exchanged shoves and punches, all landing heavily but messily due to their intoxicated state. Roy was less drunk than Shane, but Shane was better at being drunk than Roy, so they were fairly evenly matched. Roy took a fist to the face, and Shane took more than one to the ribs. Shane hit hard, desperate to push Roy out of his orbit, away from his intrinsic need for self-destruction, but in his fury he left himself open for Roy to wiggle under his defenses. Roy got himself behind Shane and hooked his elbows under his arms, then wrapped his legs around his waist in the beginnings of a spinal lock.

“You’re not gonna win this, Shane.” he growled, dodging Shane’s hands as he flailed. “Didn’t let you go last time, not lettin’ you go now.”

Shane flailed, trying to dislodge the world’s largest and worst koala bear from his back, but only succeeded in spinning the both of them around in a circle. So he laid still, still trapped, catching his breath.

“Why… do you keep puttin’ up with me?” Shane panted, grunting from the way his neck was bent forward.

“How many times I gotta tell ya, huh? ‘Cause I’ll always say it once more.” Roy’s voice softened as his fear over Shane escaping faded. “You’re my friend. My best friend, I’d say, and I love you. And I’m not gonna let you go hurt yourself because you had a bad day. Or because you’re shit at talkin’ about it.”

“I’m such a fuckin’… crazy… asshole.” Shane grunted.

“Asshole, yes. Crazy, no. You’re workin’ through shit, Shane, and as long as you’re workin’ through it, I can work with you.”

“I keep… makin’ the wrong choices…”

“Buddy, the only thing you’ve done wrong is try to leave.”

“Sorry…” Shane shook his head, aware of the creeping onset of emotion that he’d tried so hard not to let himself feel. Whatever it was, it made his eyes sting. “I just… I feel like I did before, like I haven’t made any progress and I’m just… stupid and useless.”

“Well you have made progress.” Roy insisted. He freed Shane, who rubbed his neck as he stayed sprawled on the floor, and scooted onto his knees. He was feeling significantly more sober for the adrenaline rush, but the room also wanted to spin a little bit. He tugged at his clothes, trying to sort them back into place.

“Okay so you broke a boundary you set for yourself, right? You got all worked up and you could have run right back to where you were before and jumped into the fuckin’ ocean, but you didn’t, you came here instead. Why’d you do that?”

“Because…” Shane sat up, rubbing his head, fixing his own clothes. His drunkeness seemed keen on clipping through the usual stages, skipping the feel good and plaguing him with a headache, and a midday brawl didn’t help things. His eyes watered as the dam inside him started to give. “Because I knew if there was anywhere I could go, where I could just be and not have people guilt me, or question me, or any a’ that shit, it would be here.”

“That’s right. You came to Roy.” Roy thumped his chest triumphantly. “Coulda run away n’ hurt yourself, or you coulda kept drinkin’, but you didn’t . You cut yourself off an’ found help, and that’s huge, Shane. Big progress just to say ‘I can’t do this alone’.”

“Well it doesn’t feel like progress.” Shane muttered, wiping his eyes.

“Well, do you trust me when I speak?”

“Of course I do, Roy.”

“Then trust me when I say it’s progress.”

Roy grunted as he sat back, leaning against the couch. Prince scampered over to whine and lick at his face, and Roy quelled him with some pats and soft words. Shane watched his friend lounge, petting the dog that now sprawled across his lap, rubbing the soreness from his face.

“Sorry.” Shane said, grimacing. “Again.”

Roy scoffed, shaking his head.

“Whatever. Like I said, progress. Look, no broken bones this time.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.

Shane went to also lean against the couch, but it moved with their combined weight. They had the bright idea to sit on the couch as designed, and scrambled back around to the other side. Shane sighed and offered a little food from his plate to Prince as a way of earning his favor again after fighting his master. It seemed to work. They sat in silence for a bit, poking at their respective plates, and Roy let Shane break the silence.

“So. I’ve known you a year and a half, and already I’ve broken your nose and fought you in your own home, only to have you give me food and kindness. What exactly do you get out of this relationship?”

Roy rolled his eyes. He gathered some food on his plate, tossing some bread to Prince.

“Look, Shane. The whole time I went to therapy, I was alone. Like I had my parents, yeah, but I couldn’t talk to them about the shit I needed to talk about. It involved stuff you just… don’t say to your folks, you know? So I couldn’t really, really work on things until I opened things up with Haley. Right? It took like… that exposure to bring it out. Otherwise I had a very specific wound that was festering and couldn’t heal. I needed someone who saw my shit and supported me anyway, even if it complicated things, and I didn’t have that for a long time. And it sucked. So I see you, all right? And I’m gonna be here for you ‘cause if you don’t talk about this shit, if you don’t validate your own experiences, it’s gonna take you so, so much longer to heal.”

Shane dropped his head against the couch, trying to absorb Roy’s words. It was like swallowing bitter medicine; shaking his head like his body was rebelling against the input. He just wanted to vomit and go to sleep. Forever.

“But… how… can you tell that you’re healing? What, I’m still gonna have days like this? I thought I’m supposed to… not have days like this.”

“You’ll still have days like this.” Roy said, reaching out to put a hand on Shane’s shoulder. “I’ve had lots of bad days. But bad days don’t erase your progress.”

“They don’t?” Shane tried to look at Roy, but he only made it as far as the crook of his elbow. “I sat in on a couple AA groups… I know I had my own plan for alcohol but I thought I might learn somethin’, y’know? And they track their progress with days sober, start over when you drink.”

“Yeah, sometimes.” Roy shrugged, sitting back. “Not always. And not every system is gonna work for every person. If keepin’ track of days helps you, then keep track of days. But if it makes you feel like this, maybe you need a different system.”

“I don’t even know what I’m tracking. Days I drank alone? Days I felt bad? I feel bad almost every day. How do I know that I’m healing? I can’t… keep havin’ days like this.”

Roy sat quietly for a while, thinking. Shane seemed content to leave the question hanging, munching on snacks and sipping flavored water.

“You walked here, right?” Roy eventually asked. Shane looked up, screwing up his brow with a shrug.

“Yeah, why?”

“You fall?” Roy pointed to faded dirt marks on Shane’s knees. Shane reached down and wiped at them, scoffing.

“Yeah. Ate shit trippin’ over a tree root by the bus stop.”

“But you got here all the same.”

Shane looked up, confused.

“Well yeah. I didn’t like, break anything, I could still walk.”

“So even though you fell and got hurt, you got back up and came to see me anyway?”

It dawned on Shane, and he nodded slowly, casting his eyes to the side with another great sigh.

“Yeah. I fell and got back up.”

“S’all it is, Shane. It’s okay to fall. Just gotta get back up.”

“Makin’ it sound easy, Miller.”

“Is simple.” Roy corrected. “Not easy. Simple. That’s an important distinction. Everyone’s got this weird impression of what they think growth is, but… well you’re a farmer, you know it’s not always straightforward like that. Gotta cultivate, water, re-seed, until your crop comes in good n’ strong. Not linear at all. You’re workin’ so hard, Shane. Gotta be nice to yourself about it.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Shane took a deep breath and let it out in a gust. He pulled on some water, feeling it rush through his system, desperately trying to fix everything that drinking had done to it. “Alex said somethin’ similar. Kinda what… started all this, I guess.”

“Yeah?” Roy asked. “Wanna tell me about it?”

Shane pulled his shoulders up, then dropped them.

“Just talkin’ ‘bout diet and exercise. How people, y’know, get the wrong idea about it. How, sure, my body’s doin’ better, but I’m still makin’ stressful changes to it, so I gotta ‘give myself grace’ or some shit.” he added, with quotation mark fingers. Roy just chuckled.

“See? It’s not therapy speak. We’re all learnin’ stuff.”

Shane just made a grumpy noise, chewing on some food.

“You remember when you asked me to have dinner with you? First time after you came back home?” Roy asked.

“Sure.” Shane said flatly.

“It’s just like that. ‘Hey I need support, please come support me’, and I will.”

“Yeah, sure, it’s just…” Shane grunted at himself. “I knew I was fragile then. Just thought I’d be better now. And yes, okay,” he stopped Roy before he could interject, “I know I’m better, but you know what I mean.”

“Mm, we all wanna be better.” Roy muttered, somewhat sleepily, rubbing his head. “So we make progress. That’s what it’s about. Progress. Not perfection.”

“Yeah, been hearin’ that a lot lately.” Shane grunted. “I’m sorry I’m… shit at asking for help. I don’t… wanna keep burdening you. Or… punchin’ you in the fuckin’ face.”

“So stop it.” Roy said with a half chuckle. “But I told you before. I’d rather have you on your worst days than not at all.”

Shane nodded. Then his mouth warped. He dropped his face in his hand.

“God…”

Roy moved as Shane crumpled, putting their food and drinks on the table, then sitting close and opening his arm.

“I’m sorry…”

“Just let it out. I got you.”

So Shane did, finally having reached his capacity for denial, and he cried.

Not the way Haley had described him as crying before. Stoically. Controlled. Like a man might prefer to cry. No, the man sitting with Roy was tired, inside and out. Too inexperienced to process the changes happening within himself, too old to be inexperienced. Wanting to grow, having no idea how to go about it. So he cried great, fat tears, and tugged his friend’s flannel as he blurted out his insecurities and the things that plagued him. The things he’d packed so deeply and tightly within himself that they sprang out now, like a coil pushed past its limit.

Things like how he knew he had to survive and keep going to provide for his family, and how he wanted to do well, but his heart was still so heavy with grief, and every time he expressed that grief, he felt like he was letting someone down. That he was being weak. How being seen and acknowledged and loved was worse than being ignored because it was so foreign, especially when he’d tried so hard to be undeserving of love. How he was afraid to hope, afraid to feel good, because if he could be happy, then what was his grief for? How despite all of his contradictions, he wanted to be a good friend, and he was so sorry for the friend that he’d been.

Roy tried to tell him he didn’t have to apologize, but Shane just said let me be sorry. And Roy said okay.

And after a while, Shane was resting his head on Roy’s lap, and they both were watching the TV, still muted. Prince had clambered up on top of Shane, making it a well and true cuddle puddle. Roy had one hand on Prince’s head and the other on Shane’s, and really he found the whole situation very comfortable.

“I’m sorry.” Shane muttered, for the hundredth time that day, now calmed after crying out his feelings and everything he had to drink. His head was pounding but at least it was almost clear.

“This time just in general,” he explained, “since I clearly interrupted what was an afternoon off for you.”

“You do have a penchant for getting between me and my reading.” Roy said, ruffling Shane’s hair as he looked down at him. “So I’ll accept this apology. I’ll still forgive you though.”

“I’ll work on things. I promise.” Shane said.

“I look forward to it.”

Shane was quiet for a while, feeling his head and body pulse and ache. Felt like his skull was shrinking as he sobered, and like someone was cranking up the lights, shining them on everything he’d done wrong.

“How will I know?” he asked. “When to ask for help, I mean. I mean what if I’m just… bein’ a little bitch about shit and I don’t actually need help?”

Roy laughed softly, patting Shane’s arm, having a much easier time sobering up.

“It’s okay to be a little bitch. It’s a skill you learn, just like anything else. You learn to trust yourself. And until that happens, call me. Come to me. Just like you did today. But hopefully without the punching part.”

“Sorry.”

“Shut up.”

“Fuck you.”

“You gotta ask Haley first.”

“You’re so fuckin’ weird.” Shane huffed as he sat up and sent Prince diving for the floor, willing the room not to spin. He rubbed his face with a long, sustained groan. His brain knocked against his skull, heavy and hurting.

“I… don’t know if I can go home, like physically. I feel like shit.”

“Well, just stay here. I’ll make some actual food, Haley’ll come back at some point, and we’ll just… have dinner.”

“I can’t… what time even is it? Jas’ll be expecting me, I gotta take care of the chickens… shit I gotta call Marnie…”

“Uh… it’s after five.” Roy said, checking the time. “Hey… why don’t you uh… have Marnie bring Jas up here? And you can just stay the night? Hell, I’ll even go get her if you’d be okay with that.”

Shane turned his head to look at Roy with one squinted eye.

“Why?”

Roy shrugged.

“You’re in a bad way. If staying here would help you feel better, then I want to make that happen.”

“Haley would be okay with that?”

Roy shrugged gently.

“I’m sure she would be. She’s here for you, too.”

Shane tried to come up with reasons to say no.

“I… the chickens…”

“What, they need some feed and to be locked in? If Marnie can’t do that, I’ll do that too.”

“No, she can, I just… hate to ask her…”

“Well…” Roy brought his shoulders up. “If she can’t or won’t, just let her know I’ll be down to do it.”

“Wh…” but Shane had already asked why, and Roy had made his position clear many times. And as ridiculous as it made him feel, the idea of staying with friends put a little light in Shane’s chest, so he gave it an honest consideration.

“Um… yeah, okay. That’d be great.”

Roy’s lips tipped up in a pleased smile.

“Well then, why don’t I clean up and uh, what, pizza sound good?”

“Always.” Shane managed a grin.

Roy stood and started taking dishes to the kitchen while Shane took a deep breath and pulled out his phone.

Six missed calls from Marnie.

Shane tipped his head back to garner himself, then called her back.

Roy couldn’t hear the words Marnie was saying, but he could hear her voice, tinny and loud from Shane’s speaker. Shane held it away from himself, holding his head in his other hand, listening to the tirade, trying to get any word in edgewise.

“Hey. Yeah. I know, Marn… yeah. Yeah I did. I’m sor… I’m sorry. I know. I know. Yes. Look… I’m not… yeah. No, you’re right. No, I got it. Well, thank you. I know it was inconvenient. Y… yeah, you got me there. Yep. No, I… okay. Yeah… no, just… can you bring Jas to Roy’s? Gonna stay here for the night.”

A loud, sarcastic explosion carried from Shane’s phone, and he collapsed backwards, resting heavily against the couch. The phone was still in his hand, now on his knee, still alive with Marnie’s ire.

“Yeah!” he managed when Marnie paused to breathe. “If you can take care of the chickens tonight, obviously I will be back in the morning, I just… I just need…”

Help.

The line was quiet. Shane was quiet. Then,

I’ll see you when I see you, Shane.

Then the phone went dark.

Roy gave it a moment, letting Shane list on the couch, gather whatever thoughts he needed to gather.

“You all right, man?” Shane shook his head, eyes closed.

“I know we’re both gettin’ older, so if you ever want to feel like a teenager again, just admit to family that you fucked up, they’ll be happy to treat you like a snot-nosed kid.”

Roy grimaced.

“I’m sorry.”

Shane just shook his head and stared at the ceiling.

“Is um… is she going to bring Jas up?” Roy asked.

“Yeah. I think so, anyway.”

A few moments passed, then Shane curled forward, holding his face in his hands.

“God, I really stepped in it.”

“Hey, no, we had that conversation.”

Shane’s back curved as he breathed deep, held it, then pushed it all out as he stood, wobbling just a little.

“Do you mind if I uh, shower? I don’t wanna see Jas smellin’ like a cask.”

“Yeah, ‘course. Make yourself comfortable upstairs.” Roy said, flicking his eyes upwards. “Got its own bathroom and bed, pellet stove. Think I’ve got some old clothes you can borrow to sleep in. They should fit well enough.”

“Heh. Sure.” Shane paused by the stairway, suddenly compelled to dissolve into a messy pile of thank you, I’m sorry, I don’t deserve this but thank you and did I mention I’m sorry?

But then he pushed himself up the stairs. Roy shook his head, pulling his phone out to text Haley.

Company tonight.

The door opened just moments later, with Haley breezing through it.

“I’m home!” she sang, ending her call with a giggle. “Oh, did you just text me?” She pulled out her phone to look at it, but stopped in the middle of the living room, suddenly distracted.

“Woof, did a tornado blow through here?”

“Ye-eah…” Roy scooted over, eyes focused upstairs as if trying to gauge where Shane was at the moment. He pulled Haley to the bedroom by her elbows, dancing around an excited dog and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“So hello, first of all welcome home. Second of all, Shane is staying over tonight and Jas is on her way.”

“Oh, okay.” Haley accepted it, even as her brow furrowed in confusion. She brought her hand up to cup Roy’s face, thumb brushing under the darkness gathering around his eye.

“Roy, do you have a black eye? What the hell happened?”

Roy gave Haley a quick rundown of his afternoon while Haley dressed down.

“I can’t believe he hit you again, Roy this can’t keep happening!”

Roy pulled his shoulders up defensively.

“Look, I could have let him go, I checked him first, so I kind of brought it on myself. Do you think I should have let him go?”

“No, but…” Haley sighed, running her fingers through her hair, tension evident in her body. She dropped her hands with a helpless shrug. “I’m just gonna stop leaving the house if this is going to happen every time!”

Roy laughed softly, pulling her into an embrace.

“Hey, come on. Look… I’m the one with the bruises, okay? It’s what needed to happen. Believe it or not, he’s doing so much better.”

Haley frowned, letting herself be held.

“That doesn’t mean you get to be his punching bag when he’s having a bad day.”

“I know. He knows. And hey, I got my shots in, too, all right? It was a dumb, quick, drunken fight, and he’s working through it.”

“I guess…”

A terse knock at the door interrupted whatever thoughts Haley was going to voice next.

“That was quick.” Roy muttered as he and Haley went to the door. They opened it to see their expected guests, and Haley immediately put aside her mood to greet Jas with an enthusiastic smile.

“Hi, Jas! I hear you’re staying with us tonight!”

“Yeah!”

Jas lit up with a wide smile, though when she looked back up at Marnie, her young eyes held uncertainty. But she looked back at Haley with another smile.

“Can I see your chickens?”

“Absolutely! Do you want to come inside first? Have you met Prince?”

Jas broke away from Marnie, running gleefully into the house to be introduced to its four-legged protector. Meanwhile, Marnie presumptuously stepped inside, dropping a loosely packed duffel bag on the floor.

“Where is he?” she asked, face pinched most unpleasantly.

“He’s showering.” Roy said simply, pushing the bag closer to the wall with his foot. “Probably shouldn’t interrupt him.”

“I need to speak with him.”

“Think you spoke with him plenty already.” Roy grumbled, trying to keep his voice low for the sake of his young company. Marnie had no such compunctions.

“Roy Miller, do not try to get between me and my family.”

“Do I need to?” Roy challenged. Marnie glared at him dangerously.

“You don’t know what you’re dealing with.”

“I really think I do.” Roy passed back, eyes narrowing.

On the other side of the room, Haley turned the television up and gave Jas a few dog treats to feed to Prince, instructing her to make sure he does tricks for them. Then she joined the other adults near the kitchen.

“Hey guys, there’s a kid here.”

Roy moved his head in an odd sort of nod-twist; a tick Haley recognized from when he was trying to temper himself. Marnie simply redirected her own temper.

“Do you think it’s fun for me? Uprooting her in the middle of dinner and taking her somewhere because her father figure can’t get his act together?”

“Yeah, she really seems to be struggling with it.” Haley couldn’t help but sneer, attitude quickly changing to match Marnie’s energy. They looked over at Jas, who was delighted to be shaking Prince’s paw before giving him a treat.

Marnie tried to reign herself in, combing her fingers through her thick hair and taking a deep breath.

“Neither of you have children, so you have no idea what it’s like to have a little one asking where her parent is, wondering if they’ll be home soon and if they’re okay. He doesn’t answer his phone all day, then he calls me, blitzed out of his mind and asking for favors? I’ve been dealing with this for way too long for this to be acceptable.”

“You know what? You’re right.” Roy said, opening his hands before dropping them. “He made some unwise decisions today. Then he found help, okay? He’s been with me for hours. Maybe I should have thought to text you, but truth be told, I was a little drunk, myself.”

Marnie scoffed and shook her head.

“Unless you’ve got somethin’ to say about it.” Roy challenged.

“No.” Marnie smoothed her hair back, drawing in another stabilizing breath. “You don’t have the problems Shane has. And you haven’t been dealing with this like I have.”

“Well, that’s true.” Roy said. “But I’ve dealt with a lot of stuff I don’t talk about. I know what it’s like to need help, and if we’re going to help him, we need to support him, not rebuke him.”

“What are you, his hero now?” Marnie asked snidely.

“I’m his friend.” Roy snarled. “We are his support group, all of us. I’m not gonna tell you how to feel, but I am gonna say that kickin’ a man while he’s down isn’t gonna get you anywhere.”

“What do you think I should tell her, hm? Since you know so much.” Marnie huffed and crossed her arms. “When she asks where he is and if he’s sick again?”

“Have you asked Shane about it?” Haley asked, trying to inject any sense of stability and positivity into the conversation. Marnie just made another exasperated noise and shook her head.

“He won’t talk to me about it. He works all day, goes to therapy I assume, plays with Jas for a while, then goes to bed.”

“I wonder if he’d talk more if he felt like you would listen.” Roy said.

“Of course I would!”

“Would you? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure he tried talking to you earlier.”

Marnie stared at Roy, aghast. Dumfounded. Incensed. Then she clenched her jaw.

“Give it a few years, see how well you put up with it.” she hissed, then turned for the door. She opened it, stepped through it, and let it slam behind her.

Everyone was quiet for a moment. Jas looked at the adults, then quickly went back to playing with Prince, like she hadn’t seen anything. She was used to acting that way. Shane appeared in the stairway, hair dripping, body barely dry as he had clearly dressed in a rush.

“Hey. Sorry. I heard Marnie, is… everything okay?”

“She slammed the door.” Jas mumbled. Shane grimaced, but Roy rolled his shoulders, turning to his friend with what he hoped was an easy-going expression.

“Just a disagreement about coconuts.”

“Coconuts?” Shane asked.

“Yeah. And whether or not they migrate. She doesn’t think they do.”

Shane’s face warped from confusion, to understanding, to disgust at the ancient reference.

“Coconuts migrating?” Jas asked with a childlike giggle. “They can’t do that!”

She launched into a fresh stream of consciousness, explaining all the reasons why it was entirely unreasonable to suggest that coconuts migrated, especially on their own. They would have to be carried, by birds or something. Shane flicked an annoyed eyebrow at Roy.

Look what you did.

Roy grinned unapologetically. Then he went and grabbed the aforementioned spare pajamas as well as the duffel bag, shoving them into Shane’s arms and instructing him to go finish his shower properly and take his time. Once Shane went back upstairs, Roy sighed, shaking his head as he reentered the kitchen.

“I’m uh… I’m just gonna be in here makin’ dinner, sweetheart.”

“Need the space?” Haley asked. Roy nodded, so Haley blew him a kiss, catching one in return. She turned down the television and made herself comfortable on the couch close to Jas, who had fed all the treats she had to Prince. It didn’t stop the dog from searching, making the child giggle as she wiggled, promising she didn’t have anymore. After a thorough investigation, Prince realized there were no more treats to be had. Such a punishment after an afternoon filled with scraps! He laid down on his bed with a grunt, and Jas was free to dig in her belongings for toys.

Haley watched her entertain herself, and got the feeling she did that a lot. Jas would occasionally look up and around, familiarizing herself with her new environment.

“When’s Papa coming back?” she asked quietly. Haley smiled as reassuringly as she could.

“In just a bit, sweetie. Just needs to finish his shower.”

Jas nodded, looking back at the doll in her hands, brushing her long dark hair.

“Aunt Marnie says he’s sick again.”

Haley pulled her mouth into a thoughtful, thin line, looking over at Roy. He shrugged, not knowing what to offer as he mixed together some dough. Haley pulled in a breath, filling her cheeks, then letting it out in a steady stream. She knew how to talk to adults about heavy things, felt like she’d learned to navigate those waters pretty well in the last few years.

But a child? One she barely even knew?

“Well…” she eased, “people are sick sometimes.”

Genius.

“Um… and sometimes it takes a long time to get over. Or they just learn how to be sick.”

Jas’ brows furrowed.

“Does he throw up? He doesn’t cough or sneeze…”

Haley worried her lip between her teeth.

“It’s not that kind of sick.”

Jas’s frown deepened.

“Then what kind is it? Is it because of me?”

Haley’s heart cracked in her chest.

“No, sweetie, why would you think it’s because of you?”

Jas shrugged, frowning at her dolls. Satisfied with the braid she had put in the hair of one of them, she stood her up, bouncing her up and down on the floor.

“Aunt Marnie’s always like ‘you gotta do better for Jas, Shane’.” she lowered her voice in mimicry, making her dolls interact.

“’She’s watching you, you need to get it together!’ What does it mean to ‘do better’?” Jas asked. “What did he do wrong?”

“Nothing, he’s just…”

“Sick.” Jas said, finishing Haley’s sentence when she hesitated.

“But like, in his heart.” Haley said, hoping that would help. Was she wildly overstepping a boundary without Shane in the room? Would Jas be asking these questions if her family was present? Haley patted her own chest.

“You know, where he feels things.”

“You mean his soul?” Jas asked.

“Yeah. He has a sickness in his soul. It doesn’t look like other sicknesses, but it’s real.”

Jas nodded, looking back down. She studied her dolls intently. They were a little old looking, like they hadn’t been manufactured in recent years, but they were in good condition; paint and hair still nicely done. Hand-me-downs that had been taken care of.

“I feel sick in my soul sometimes.”

“Do you? What’s that like?” Haley asked, trying to keep things open-ended.

“Mm…” The gears turned in Jas’ brain. She knew what it was like to feel something, but she was still learning how to apply words to those feelings. She shrugged and went silent again. Haley frowned, not wanting to lose progress.

“Have you ever had a bad day, Jas?”

“Bad day like what?” Jas countered, changing some clothes on her doll.

“Like… like you woke up and were just like, ‘mm, I don’t like this day’, and just like… nothing went right that day? When was the last time you felt sick in your soul?”

The dolls jumped towards each other in Jas’ hand, having a silent conversation. She pivoted them, making them twist on their toes on the floor.

“When the chickens died. And when Papa left. Aunt Marnie was working a lot, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”

“What about your friend Vincent?”

“Well yeah. But I missed Papa Shane. I was really, really happy when he came back.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” That seemed to unlock something in Jas, and she continued unbidden.

“There was one day after he came back home and I like, did not want to go to school. My tummy hurt, and I was really grumpy. Usually I have to anyways because I ‘have a growing brain’, Aunt Marnie says, but Papa Shane let me stay home! We still had to do chores, but we played games, and got ice cream, and took a nap, and I didn’t feel as sick!”

“Yeah? You just needed a day off, huh?”

Jas nodded.

“Papa called it a ‘minnel health’ day.” Jas said, making air quotations, but only using one index finger. “What is that?”

Haley shifted her position on the couch as Jas crawled up next to her with a few dolls, apparently deciding she was comfortable enough in this new environment. Haley took a chance and stroked some of Jas’ hair, twirling a lock around the loose buns she had on her head.

“Well, when someone is having a bad day, it can be helpful to take a day off. Like taking a nap when you’re tired. It’s a rest day so your brain and your heart can get back in order. It’s men-tal , like for your brain, and health, because your brain needs to be healthy just like your body.”

“Is that what my papa needs? More mental health days?”

“I’m sure that would be helpful.” Haley said with a soft laugh. “But it’s hard for grownups to take those days.”

“Why?”

“Well, because we have a lot to do! We have to get up and work, and cook, and clean. There’s not always time to rest.”

“What if I cooked and cleaned? Could he rest then?”

“I’m sure he would love to eat something you cooked.” Haley said. “But I think what he mostly wants you to do is go to school and have fun.”

“But I want to help!”

“I think you do help.” Haley said. Jas looked up at her, brow furrowed adorably.

“How?”

“Just by being yourself.” Haley tapped Jas’ nose with her fingers. “Do you remember when you got all those new chickens, and we painted the coop wall with our hands?”

“Yeah!”

“That was a good day, right? For you and your papa, and Marnie… we all had a good day, didn’t we?”

“Mhm! Got to watch Charlie make new friends, and we used so much paint, we had to go buy more!”

“That’s so great! I think that was really important, all of us being there like that.”

Jas thought about it for a few minutes, playing quietly.

“But we can’t paint the coop every time we have a bad day. We’ll run out of room!”

Haley giggled softly.

“Well, we can do other things. Like… remember when we had good days, and talk about how we’ll have more good days. And we rest, and we find something fun and healthy to do with our bodies, like play, or hike, or just lay down and watch a movie or read. We just spend time together.”

Jas nodded, starting to understand.

“Is that why we’re here? So Papa can spend time with you?”

“Exactly. He’s having a bad day, so we’re gonna help him feel better.”

“Aunt Marnie was really grumpy when she said we had to go. She kept going like mern-a-murn-a-mer-mer-mer…” Jas wiggled her doll angrily. “And throwing things around when we packed. I don’t like it when she slams the door…”

“Well, that makes sense. It’s a…” Haley almost said childish but thought better of it, “… an unkind thing to do.”

“Why is she so mad? I don’t mind coming up here. It’s fun!”

“Well… I think as adults, we see things differently than you might…”

Shane’s footsteps were back on the stairs, more measured this time. He dropped his clothes on top of the washing machine and entered the room. The pajama pants were a little tight but fit well enough, but Roy’s shirt left the round bottom of Shane’s stomach exposed under the hem. Marnie had apparently not packed adequate clothing. Shane was just happy to have a toothbrush.

“I can see your tummy.” Jas pointed out.

“Yeah, yeah.” Shane sighed, doing what he could to pull the shirt down. “Roy needs to develop a proper gut, is all.”

Jas giggled and clambered down from the couch to get into her bag. She pulled out an article of clothing and handed it up to Shane.

“I thought you might want this!”

It was Shane’s blue chicken jacket that Roy had given him.

“Oh. Thank you, my child.” Shane pulled it on and zipped it halfway, feeling more comfortable. He plopped down onto the couch, and Jas migrated into his lap with her dolls.

“What are we up to down here? And Roy, if you say anything about coconuts, we’re leaving.”

“Ruin all the fun, why don’tcha?” Roy grumbled from the kitchen.

Haley helped stack the pile of toys from her lap onto the middle of the couch. Visions of the future, perhaps.

“We were just talking about bad days, and what to do about them.” she said.

Jas nodded in agreement.

“And how Aunt Marnie is a grumpy pants.”

Shane scoffed, taking down Jas’ hair so he could brush it.

“Yeah well… she has every right to be mad at me.”

“Because of the drinking?” Jas asked. Shane’s hands hesitated, then resumed.

“Yeah sugar bean, that’s part of it. She’s been putting up with it for a long time.”

Jas was quiet for a few minutes, and Shane thought maybe he might be in the clear. But something about having her questions received and answered by the friendly adults in the room made Jas bold.

“Haley says you’re sick in your soul. Is that why you drink?”

Shane cast a dark frown over to Haley, who grimaced guiltily, pulling her shoulders up.

She was asking questions. she mouthed.

Shane sighed, combing his fingers through Jas’ hair.

“Sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” Jas asked.

“Yeah. Sometimes adults drink just because it’s fun.” Shane said. “But if you have too much, it uh… it’s not good for you.”

“Like eating too much candy.” Jas said, nodding. Shane chuckled.

“Yeah. Kinda like that. Makes you sick.”

“You don’t need to be sick twice.” Jas muttered. Shane sighed.

“You’re absolutely right, mijita. I’m working on not being sick at all.”

“I want to help!”

“You can help by getting me your hairbrush, how’s that?”

Jas hopped down to do just that.

After Jas’ hair was in a nice, long braid, and after answering her many questions, there was pizza, and Shane was glad when Jas was too busy eating to continue interrogating him about big feelings and how they felt in one's heart and body.

What a day. He still felt at odds with himself, and the others for that matter. Like he was being tolerated, catered to. Roy and Haley didn’t really want him in their house, they were just being good people.

Good people who made mocktails to go with their pizza, drinking them happily. Tolerant people who introduced the curious child to each of their chickens by name when bringing them in for the night. Generous people who gladly found an age-appropriate show for the burdensome man’s child to watch, and watched along with interest, curled up on the other end of the couch in their pajamas. The child in Shane’s lap twisted around and called him Papa because she didn’t have anyone else to say it to, laughing at something on the screen.

Did you see, did you see? Wasn’t it so silly?

I did, and it was. he said in return.

Jas cuddled up to his chest, curled in such a tight little ball that Shane called her his little shrimplette. His shrimpita.

Roy the kind man did laundry and built a fire when it got chilly, and Haley the patient woman fetched a blanket for the hopeless man and his unfortunate child.

Jas the sleepy girl fell asleep before her show was over, eyes fluttering closed despite her best efforts. Everything was so warm and cozy, and the adults had such nice voices and laughs that made Jas smile. Her adoptive father’s heart beat against her ear, and that’s what made her feel the most safe, and it’s the last thing she heard before slumber swept her away.

“Ohp, I think we’re out.” Shane muttered, looking down at Jas as best he could. Roy and Haley looked over and smiled.

“She’s a good kid.” Haley said, resting her head against Roy’s shoulder. Shane patted Jas’ hair, smiling fondly.

“Yeah… she’s my little princess.” His smile shrank, souring, and he sighed quietly. “I really do need to do better for her.”

“Hey.” Roy said softly. “Look at where you are right now. You’re doing great.”

Shane just flattened his lips, staring into the middle distance and shaking his head ever so slightly.

“Barely. If I didn’t have you guys… I don’t know what I would have done today…”

“But you do have us.” Haley said. She clambered over Roy’s lap so she could sit next to Shane, moving as carefully as she could, resting her head on his shoulder. “I know it’s not easy, but you’re not alone anymore.”

Shane tipped his head so it leaned against Haley’s.

“I just… feel like I should be stronger…”

Roy stood and walked around the couch, propping himself against the backrest. There, he put his cheek on Shane’s head.

“Hey. Remember what Sam said. We’re pack animals, and we take care of each other. You were never meant to be alone, Shane.”

“Strength in numbers.” Haley said.

Shane closed his eyes, feeling a residual tear or two slip from them. But he scoffed and shook his head, weighed down by his friends.

“It’s… hard. Like I believe you guys… but I still believe everything else, too…”

“Well. I’m glad you came up here, Shane.” Haley said, taking his hand. “I really am. I don’t want you to feel like you have to rush home tomorrow.”

“Thanks.” Shane said, feeling that protective barrier of assumptions he’d thrown around himself dissolve just a little.

Jas’ eyes fluttered open, unnoticed by the adults.

“Do you know what affirmations are, Shane?” Haley asked.

“Uh… like ‘yeses’, right?” Shane said. Haley smothered a giggle.

“Yeah, but like, in regards to doing them.”

“Oh, uh… then no.”

“They’re positive things you tell yourself.”

“Like a compliment?”

“Uh, kind of, I guess. But more like… acknowledging things. Saying out loud so you make them true for yourself.”

“Well, what about them?”

“I think you should do some.”

Shane grunted. Or scoffed. Something in between.

“It’s not a bad idea.” Roy added from above. “It feels kind of dumb at first, but it can be helpful.”

“How?”

“Well… all day you’ve said ‘I need’ and ‘I should’... I think it might be helpful if you acknowledge the things you’ve done right, too.”

Shane shook his head. He was perfectly sober now, if not body-weary from his trying day, but he still had some demons to put down for the night. Well. He sure didn’t know how to fight them, so he may as well play along and let his friends guide him.

“Like what?”

Roy rolled his eyes unseen. Such a thick skull on this guy.

“Like how about all the stuff I’ve said to you today, huh? About asking for help and leaning on your friends and stuff.”

“I’m a big baby bitch who cried in front of his friends today, how's that?”

Roy tugged a lock of Shane’s hair.

“Productive language.”

Shane sighed, big and heavy.

“I… was able to ask for help today.”

“There ya go, buddy!” Roy ruffled Shane’s hair.

“And what did you do with Jas today?” Haley asked more kindly.

“Uh… I uh… I dunno Hales, I brought her to my friend’s house.”

Haley sighed gently, tapping her fingers on the back of Shane’s hand.

“You knew you were going to have a hard time at home, so you brought her and yourself somewhere safe, where you knew you would be taken care of.”

“Like a… coward…” Shane clenched his teeth and shook his head. “I’m sorry, this feels weird. This is going to take some getting used to.”

“That’s okay.” Haley cooed. “Growth takes time.”

“And?” Roy asked. Shane tipped his head back to look at him.

“And what?”

“What else about growth did we talk about today?”

Shane frowned, then rolled his eyes.

“It’s not linear.”

“There ya go.”

Roy smiled, looking goofy from Shane’s upside down perspective.

“Can you think of any positive thing you could say about yourself and what happened today?” he asked.

Shane thought about it. It was hard. The whole day felt ridiculous and fake, like it was still happening but it was a dream at the same time, and he knew he would feel the full force of his regrets in the morning. But his friends were tolerating him now, so… maybe things would continue to improve.

“I… am… taking steps… to improve myself. I’m… learning how to take care of myself.”

Like a child, he thought, keeping that part to himself. Positives. Focus on the positives.

“There ya go.” Haley patted his hand. Good enough progress for one day.

Shane sighed.

Eventually, the fire burned down, the grate was secured, and the day came to a close. Roy and Haley and Prince went to their room for the night, and Shane carefully carried Jas upstairs to tuck her into an actual bed. He figured out the pellet stove, thinking he wanted some light and warmth for emotional comfort more than anything, and squeezed himself onto the old twin-sized mattress with Jas.

He was tired. He was so, so tired. But it still seemed to take a long time to fall asleep. He blinked slowly, watching the fire behind the small glass window of the pellet stove, picturing a gentle fire around his spirit, refining it.

“Go to sleep, Papa.” said Jas’ quiet voice. Shane looked down to see her brown, sleepy eyes.

“Hey, why are you awake?” he whispered. Jas shrugged. “Go to sleep.”

“You first.” Jas insisted. Shane immediately went limp, eyes closed. After a moment, he peeled open one eye to look at Jas. She giggled, pushing against him.

“Go to sleep for real!”

“Okay, okay.” Shane wrapped one of his arms around Jas, and they snuggled close together. “Let’s both work on going to sleep, okay?”

“Okay, Papa.”

But after a few moments, Shane could tell Jas wasn’t asleep yet.

“Hey Jas?”

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry about today. That uh… plans changed, last minute, and that I didn’t come home when I was supposed to.”

“It’s okay.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s okay if you get angry with me when I do something wrong.”

“But you did come home. Well… I guess you didn’t. But I got to be with you, you called Aunt Marnie so we could be together while you were sick.”

“Yeah. But I’m… y’know, sorry I had to do that. I’m gonna try not to do it again, okay?”

“It’s okay.” Jas yawned, then settled back in and closed her eyes. “You’re learning.”

“Yeah, sweetheart, I am.”

“Then is okay.” Jas muttered, slipping back into dreamland. “Te quiero, Papa.”

“Te quiero, mijita.”

And finally, they both fell asleep.