Chapter Text
Dear Forgiveness, you know that recently
we have had our difficulties and there are many things
I want to ask you.
I tried that one time, high school, second lunch, and then again,
years later, in the chlorinated pool.
I am still talking to you about help. I still do not have
these luxuries.
I have told you where I’m coming from, so put it together.
We clutch our bellies and roll on the floor . . .
When I say this, it should mean laughter,
not poison.
I want more applesauce. I want more seats reserved for heroes.
Dear Forgiveness, I saved a plate for you.
Quit milling around the yard and come inside.
Excerpt from A Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out – Richard Siken
Yoongi opens his eyes to stare up at a familiar ceiling. The cracks there are not as apparent to him as they once were, now lost to the static of the pattern there. Things are no longer strange. Nothing in the apartment feels off to Yoongi anymore. It’s been a year since Hoseok’s death and things aren’t ever going to be quite right again, but Yoongi can pretend like they are. He can tell his friends that he doesn’t still feel guilty. After all he’s done. After all he remembers.
He's been going to therapy, attending classes, acting like everything still feels right.
He tells Taehyung one night that this would all be easier if Hoseok hadn’t died hating him.
Taehyung shakes his head. Calls his friends over and they sit him down. They said they saw Hoseok, in his last moments. They said they saw him reach for Yoongi’s face, they said it looked like forgiveness. Yoongi doesn’t know if he believes them. What he does remember… What he does remember will stay with him for the rest of his life. There is no forgiveness for what he has done, Yoongi reasons. There will never be redemption. The dead cannot forgive. The living are never absolved.
They say they feel him. They feel Hoseok in the room when Yoongi is happy. They think Hoseok is watching over them. As if Yoongi believes in that sort of shit. But he watches, he does, he watches for signs.
Yoongi wishes more than anything he could take it all back. That he could have stopped himself from loving Hoseok. Maybe then he’d still be alive. Maybe then Hoseok’s laugh would fill the room like Yoongi remembers.
Like he remembers.
He remembers everything now. Maybe missing a few pieces, but he knows enough. He knows he broke Hoseok’s heart. He knows that there is nothing he can do to take it back.
He is left with the reality that he broke Hoseok’s heart and then he died. There is no closure there. No pardon. The once-king is guilty of crimes he will keep in his closet forever.
Yoongi will carry this with him for the rest of his life. Because he must.
And because “I love you” is not the same as “I forgive you.”
Far above, in heaven. In… whatever you want to call it. There is an angel and his name is always at the tip of your tongue, but you can never quite get it right. This angel, you think, must be special. He must be, because he glows in a way those around him don’t, and it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen. The way he glides is enchanting and you think he might be coming to speak to you. The edges of his lips are turned upwards serenely. Like he has accepted everything that has led him and you here.
He approaches you. You look at him and you are blinded by a true smile. Teeth and all.
He says “It’s been a while.”
You say “I guess.”
And then you fumble. Two words you’ve been trying to get out for as long as you can remember. You think he needs to hear them.
“I’m sorry,” you say.
He laughs and then says the words you’ve been waiting your whole life to hear.
“I forgive you.”
You can sleep now, you said. You can sleep now. You said that.
I had a dream where you said that. Thanks for saying that.
You weren’t supposed to.
-Straw House, Straw Dog-Richard Siken-