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He's not sure when it happened.
Perhaps it was when Levi had slipped up during an expedition, his gear pulling him to the nape of a titan way too early, and Erwin had leaped his way to him, using the maneuver gear to pull himself forward and grab Levi around the waist. He had hoisted him up with one arm alone, and placed him down near his initial spot, at a branch on a tree with perfect view of the titans below them.
Erwin had muttered to him, telling him to be more careful, and that they could not spare losing him as a soldier. Levi spent his day thinking about it, after the mission, and how easily Erwin picked him up and carried him off.
He felt oddly small. Insignificant. Nothing, in the midst of all the titans that constantly surrounded the Survey Corps when they went out for expeditions. That feeling was always there when Erwin touched him, if even a brush to his shoulder, or a palm resting on the crown of his head.
It wasn't like Levi hasn't ever felt love.
Well, not this kind. He thought he knew what it was, and therefore discarded the idea of ever meddling with it. It was a load of crap and lies too hopeful humans would create for their own benefit.
Things change, clearly, because now that he's experiencing the true feeling, and realizing why people were so obsessed with the concept, he feels.
A lot.
It's maddening, truly. It's as though there are flames waiting to swallow up his heart whole and he's too scared to rip the charred muscle out. But it doesn't even burn him, it's warm, and inviting, and he almost falls in, too.
That's what he's struggling with.
Perhaps it was when Erwin had knocked on his room's door and offered him tea, telling him he seemed off that day when he was trying his hardest to not let it show.
Levi himself is usually a very deadpan man, and he knows he has a reputation for being rude and nothing less than vulgar when in a proper mood. It didn't bother him, but that day in particular he spent his day quiet. He wondered if he was a horrible person for all he did.
He probably was. But it didn't matter, in the end, because what he had done let him survive.
That did matter.
Levi took the tea, and let Erwin sit with him in silence. He ended up explaining what was going on.
That man knew him, probably better than Levi knew himself, and because of this he was scared that Erwin might already know about how he feels.
He's not one for feelings, really. They're pointless, especially when his only priority right now should be helping to advance humanity.
Erwin thinks he's a good person.
Misguided, at first, but reformed.
Maybe Levi had fallen in love from the very start. The minute he accepted that following Erwin was a choice he would not let himself regret. It would be most reasonable.
Still, he's uneasy about not knowing when he had first developed feelings for the male. He can't exactly pinpoint it, reaching and never getting anywhere in his brain.
He's brought back to his senses when, speaking of the devil, a particular blond shakes him out of it. He blinks, eyes adjusting to the environment. To his side is the concerned male, dressed in his uniform. He's sitting up straight, confident as usual– his eyes betray him, worriedly flickering between Levi's eyes and his body, clearly searching for signs of injury or hurt.
The man who was jostled slowly realizes Erwin's hand is still on his shoulder, and he brushes it away, head turning to the side. He swallows and cocks a thin brow at the blond when he doesn't move his eyes away, "What're you staring at? Tch."
"You spaced out," Erwin says, in a tone that makes Levi want to dig a hole and sleep in it for eternity. He sounded almost shocked, moreover in disbelief. Levi sits up a little straighter on the horse he's on.
"Not a word," he seethes. It was ironic, since they had people around them, watching their moves. People had their eyes on them, whispering about the Survey Corps and predicting how many would come back alive.
"Sure," Erwin finally replies, having paused after such an order. Levi's horse moves him forward, and soon enough they pause in front of the large walls.
"How long?" Levi asks, referring to when they were going out to battle. He's already done, ready to go and knock some of those flesh eating, overgrown monsters. He's trying to sit patiently, but his eagerness overrides it all.
"About five minutes," Erwin says, and he adjusts his own reins. Their cadets, behind them on their own horses, are commenting to themselves. They're waiting only for the gates to fall, to let them through.
"Listen, Levi–"
"If you're going to comment on my inability to focus on the field because I spaced out this one time, I'll drop kick you. Stop smiling at me. What are you smiling for?" He frowns at the man, who's bright blue eyes were full of mirth. Erwin chuckles and shakes his head.
"It wasn't that, but I'll keep that in mind. No, what I wanted to say is much more serious."
Levi harrumphed, and shrugged once, "Say it, then."
"This battle will be dangerous."
"As are all of them."
"We're all kind of risking our lives."
"As we always do."
"I could die."
"So could anyone else. What's your point, Erwin?" He glances at the blond, and then pretends to be busy looking ahead at the gates. Erwin is silent for a long second. Two. Three.
"I've realized a few things, Lev," his voice is soft, and low, and the nickname– it does things to Levi's heart and he wants nothing else but to kill him for doing this, in such a public setting. Of course, it's impossible anyone would actually hear anything they talked about, since they were a good distance away from the cadets and public.
"Have you, now?" Levi almost curses. His voice is hoarse. He hopes he doesn't know. That can't be it.
"I don't want to spend any more of my time worrying about when I can tell you. We risk everything, all the time, and there's never a good hour in the day to spare."
His throat closes up.
"Erwin."
"Listen to me," Erwin's plea is almost desperate, "Levi, I wanted you to know, in case one of us dies here. Terror strikes me everytime it comes close to one of us laying in our deathbeds. I don't want to keep going into battle without telling you."
"Telling me what?" Levi's voice cracks at the end, and he doesn't even try to cover it up, "What are you saying, Erwin, you've got me going in circles!" His voice is a harsh whisper. It's not loud enough that the cadets could hear, but enough to reach Erwin. He's confused, distraught, and in so much fear right now.
"Levi, I love you."
Almost at once, he turns into ice. Rigid, muscles tense, face pale, lips parted in surprise. Levi isn't sure how to shake out of it, only slightly aware of the blond waiting for him, of the gates about to open. White–hot stars are behind his lids. He sucks in a large breath.
"This isn't a good time," Levi says, firm. Erwin looks grim, face set in stone. He's pointedly not looking at Levi.
"There's never a right time for anything, Lev."
The gates are opened then, and the horses they're riding pull them forward. He lets Erwin get to the front, and he's left riding side by side to Hange as they exit the gates. They give him a curious glance, but say nothing. Thank goodness for that.
The wind sweeps through his hair as he rides forward, and then the ice that had once spread over him cracks.
Erwin loves him.
There's a pang in his chest, and it hurts, and the flames are seemingly licking up everything inside him. Soon, he'll be swallowed with it. He's tempted to make things go faster, to just let himself get engulfed, but he has a battle to help with and there's just no time to spare.
For the first time, since his first expedition, where he lost his best friends, he feels tears well up. He coughs and wipes at his eyes furiously, hoisting the reins and forcing the horse to accelerate.
It's not long before the squads are sent in different directions, with some cadets yelling to the others about the formation and speed of their horses.
Levi sees then, the signal flare being shot up just ahead. He sighs, and gets ready to take charge.
"Send up green," Levi orders to his left, uncaring of who it was. He hears the reply being 'Yes, Captain!' before it shoots up and marks the sky. With that, he eases his horse to the left, the cadets behind him.
Originally, Hange was to be with him. His Commander had then fixed it, claiming she should be in charge of another squad for now. It's always been that way.
His eyes burn as he's set them forward, almost unseeing. He almost misses it when a titan is spotted running, but a cadet ends up yelling at him.
"Captain, your orders!"
His eyes narrow, and he pulls out the signal flare he needs. Red colors the sky as he puts it away, "The area isn't too open. Prepare for combat."
There are multiple trees surrounding this area, though not as many as Levi would have prepared. He lifts himself from the horse he rides and latches onto a tree a few feet behind the titan, who was most likely a 15, 17 meter class. He sneers and lets himself be pulled, immediately kicking up the tree to climb it using the gear on hand. He knew what had to be done, and as much he wanted to take it out himself, he needed a tad bit of assistance getting the titan to fall shorter.
"Mikasa!" He yells, "To my left!"
A streak of black hair flashes past him, and he barely has to blink before seeing Mikasa at his side, perched on the tree and grabbing onto one of the taller branches.
"Your orders?"
"Cut through the heel on my count," he brandished his blades, "I'm taking the nape."
"Captain!" There's Eren's voice.
"Keep moving forward!" He replies, "The formation must not falter!"
His cadets don't question him, though he can feel them staring at him as they ride away. He closes his eyes.
He can't die here.
"Mikasa! On three," his eyes settle on the titan, who looks particularly dumb as it waddles forward, arms held over its chest, "One!"
"Two!"
"Go!" Levi leaps from his position, latching onto another tree and then from there aiming at the back of the titan. His gear holds on steadily and he's pulled upwards.
Mikasa launches and slices at the tendon, making the titan cry out in weird rumbles. Levi holds his right sword backhanded and facing out behind him, his left ready to strike before he spins and cuts in a circle.
He's barely even looking as he slices with both of his swords, yelling in annoyance as the flesh comes off. His feet land on the shoulder as soon as it's taken out, and he immediately pulls himself back to the tree he was on.
"Back to the horses," Levi orders, when Mikasa joins him. She gives a curt nod as they both leap down. The horses are still there, prancing and stomping their heels. They climb up on them and try to catch up to the others.
The mission takes about an hour to complete, with only two casualties. Eren had helped Armin take down another titan, who had been trying to take Jean away. Levi praised the loyalty, despite the fact it could have been the end for humanity right there. He'll scold Eren later. Armin was only following his friend.
Levi wiped the sweat off his brow and adjusted the acost on him, eyes peering upwards.
As soon as he does, there's the yellow signal flare he's been waiting desperately to see, but he feels stricken when he hears the pound of hooves against the floor beneath him, and seeing the purple flare follow the yellow one in the sky.
"Captain!" Armin is suddenly at his left, "Someone is injured!"
"What kind of accident happened?" Mikasa wondered.
"Retreat," Levi holds up a hand, "Mission is done. Attend to the emergency."
Armin's horse speeds up, "It's in the direction of the Commander!"
Levi barely remembers what happened after Armin let those words fall, now with his head in his hands and his back to a rough, uncomfortable chair.
In front of him is an unconscious Erwin, with his right arm being wrapped in pale cloth. He's been out for a few hours now. It was getting close to midnight.
Levi leans back in the chair, pulling strings on his memories and going 'ah, so that's what happened' as they played.
Levi had immediately accelerated when Armin told him what was going on, eyes fierce and brows drawn down into a furious scowl.
"That damn bastard," Levi scoffed under his breath, "How dare he try and leave me like a damsel."
Mikasa and Eren had gone to regroup as soon as they saw his expression. It was probably wise, as Levi wasn't sure if could handle more than one person at his side right now. So with that, Armin rode by his side, panic stricken up until they saw Erwin.
Erwin must've abandoned the group, because he was alone on the grass, with a tall, male titan next to him. He was knocked out, eyebrows still pulled in the same way Levi recognizes as his concentration face.
Sending up a red flare, Levi puts the flare back away before turning to Armin, "Get him off the ground, onto my horse if you can– I'll take him down," he juts his chin to the titan who was now giggling in weird delight.
It only takes two seconds really, before the titan has fallen and bleeds out on the grass Erwin once laid on. It'll take a while before it disappears. Levi lands back on the grass and puts his swords away after shaking the residue of blood on it.
Armin was still trying to pick Erwin up once he was done. He's almost amused by the sight of seeing the lanky blond try to carry a man more than twice his age.
"Here," Levi says, putting his arms out.
"Sorry," Armin flushed.
"Don't be. I forgot how heavy he'd be to a kid," he takes the man and holds him up, the weight on his right shoulder. It doesn't really bother him, it's just oddly uncomfortable. He shifts him so he can hoist him up on his horse, behind where he sits. He's smaller than the injured man, so there's just enough space.
Erwin's head leans against his shoulders blades, and Levi has to stop himself from going red as he adjusts the reins. He reaches behind him to get Erwin's hands to wrap around him, making sure he wouldn't slip off easily.
"Idiot. Making me take care of you," He whispers.
"Regrouping?" Armin pipes up.
"Yeah. Let's go." Levi is sure Armin is smart enough to decipher what's going on, but he turns away and the shorter male internally cheers in relief.
Erwin starts to shift in his sleep, groaning before his eyes fluttered open, cerulean blue coming into view.
He's briefly reminded of their first encounter, and how upon seeing those eyes, he thought of the description his mother used to describe the sky they lived under at the surface. Cerulean blue, bright and welcoming.
"You're finally awake," Levi leans back in the chair, crossing a leg over the other as he does the same with his arms. Erwin visibly flinches and turns to look at him directly, wary.
"Levi," he says, "Hello."
"Hello?" Levi's eyebrow twitched, "You're knocked unconscious for hours, you make me carry you back here, you make me take care of you, and you decide to say hello? Where's my thanks?"
Erwin is silent for a bit, though his lips are twitching, "Thank you, Levi," he says when he's calmer, "I really appreciate it. You carried me here?"
"Had to," Levi lowers his gaze, pretending to be focused on a spot on the floor. His arms still crossed, he shifts his view to his right hand, tucked beneath his left, "Armin couldn't."
"The titan.."
"Killed it. Don't worry."
"It caught me off guard," Erwin sighs, "I was getting ready for everyone to regroup, but it knocked me off my horse pretty fast."
"Figured," Levi agrees, "You're not weak."
Erwin chuckles, "I'm glad you think so."
They're both silent, and Levi's focus is now elsewhere. The curtains needed a good cleanse, and it has been a while since the walls were dusted. It would be allergy season soon, and he couldn't afford sick cadets.
"Levi."
"Hm?" Levi's gaze doesn't fall from the walls. He'll have to find a way to clean while also taking care of Erwin. The commander had a fractured arm, and he wouldn't be able to take charge as often as he did in expeditions. Perhaps Hange could take care of that, if only temporarily.
It would be less of a burden for the current commander to carry, as Levi knows the blond has an awful habit of overworking himself. The man is hardworking and lives up to that reputation, one of humanity's bravest. It is why Levi chose to follow him, after all. He's taught him things he hadn't been able to learn and he's been rid of all fears around him. There's some sort of safe aura around Erwin. As though nothing could happen with him around.
That thought had been promptly shattered when Erwin was brought back here. He didn't even process what happened to Erwin until he had gotten to the infirmary, explaining the details. He sat in that room for an hour, as the nurse explained the situation to Levi.
He would heal, albeit a few scars, which was reasonable. It'd probably be harder for him to write from now on, but Levi was sure the man would manage somehow.
He always did. He never disappointed.
"Lev?"
Levi finally snaps his view back to a frowning Erwin, who had sat up during the raven haired man's internal monolog. He presses his lips together and nods, gesturing for the man to speak.
"I'm sorry."
"Do you have something you should be sorry for?" Levi frowns, uncrossing his arms so he can drape one behind him, over the chair. The other rests on his knee.
"A lot. Firstly, for troubling you and making you assist me to come back here. I'm only alive because of you."
"Hmph. Yeah, I knew that one. You have guilt written all over you."
Erwin cracks a small smile, and continues, "For troubling you. And I'm sorry for– er.." he trails off. Levi cocks a brow and does the "get on with it" symbol that has proven to be universal. Erwin sighs.
"For confessing at such an unfortunate time. But I'm right, about there not being a right time."
"You're an idiot, Erwin Smith," Levi upturns his nose, "I don't know why you'd curse yourself with liking someone like me. I'm hardly up to your tastes."
"I don't like you," Erwin says, "I said love. It'd do you well if you learned to use that word."
"Whatever," Levi turns a bright red, and he looks away with a grit in his words, "Same thing, in a way. One's simply more passionate."
"I guess."
"Erwin."
"Lev?"
"Why?" Levi feels his face morphing into one of distress as he looks through the windows, "Why me? There's so many good women out there. Men, too, if you insist on hitting your fancy."
"Because it's you. They're not you, therefore I don't prefer them."
Levi's heart stutters.
"Not me?" He breathes out.
"I mean it," Erwin shrugs, "I love you for you." Then he pauses, and smiles as he adds;
"They don't know how to make proper tea, either."
Levi's lips twitch upwards, and Erwin's beaming at him. There's a sharp edge to it, like a blade in the sun.
"Erwin, I'm not sure about any of this. Our duty has always been humanity, you know. Above all things."
"For just this second, to hell with humanity. I think I can indulge in my selfish desires once in a while," Erwin sighs and lays back down, eyes staring upwards.
"You're not lying? About li– loving me?"
Erwin's head spins back around and he looks almost pitiful, sympathetic. "Of course not. I would never."
Levi swallows. He's scared. He's terrified. But if anything, Erwin has drilled into him that facing his fears will always be a thing that's necessary to live.
He will live through this.
"I'm not familiar with relationships," Levi starts, "Nor am I that fun to hang out with. Either way, you seem to like that. And who am I to tell my commander he's wrong?"
Erwin's lips curl up into one small, soft and proud smile.
"It's you. Simply you. And that's enough for me, Lev. I promise you, it always has been."
"You're saying ridiculous things again," Levi sighs, and has to try and hide the smile that's itching to show up, the nerves in his stomach becoming overwhelming.
"All for you," Erwin teases. Levi rolls his eyes.
"Alright. From the top, make me yours properly," Levi reaches over and pokes the blond in the chest for effect. "Then do it again when you're fully healed. To seal things."
"May I have the honor of being your lifetime companion, Levi?" Erwin's gaze is unbreaking. Levi snorts.
"You do have a way with words," Levi says, and sighs before leaning down to kiss the man chastely. His face is bright red, most likely, as he pulls away, "Boyfriend works for now. Stop looking at me like that. You're going to get drool everywhere, I just cleaned," he scolds the man.
Erwin had stared at him with an open mouth after Levi had pulled away from their short lip exchange. He closes his mouth immediately.
"Good. I hope that answers your proposal," Levi says, referring to the kiss.
"I didn't propose yet."
"Erwin, the other kind."
"Ah. Okay, yes. But I'd like to hear you say it."
"Yes, I'll be your lifetime companion," Levi rolls his eyes, "But don't expect me to call you that. If you aren't satisfied with boyfriend for now, I'd suggest you go back to being unconscious."
"No, boyfriend is alright," Erwin stares up at him. Levi feels himself relax. Yeah, boyfriend was alright.
"Lev?"
"What is it now?"
"Can you kiss me again?"
"Don't push your luck, blondie. Get back to healing that arm, I need to punch you for making me worry as soon as I can."
"I'm your boyfriend, though. No privileges?"
Levi laughs, "No chance of that. Rest, now. I'll still be here when you wake up, don't pretend like you haven't been struggling to keep yourself awake."
"No idea what you mean. The happiness can keep me awake for weeks," Erwin's smile is blinding.
"That's gross," Levi's lip curls up just a little, "But because it's you, I'll let it slide. Sleep."
"Yes, captain."
"I told you not to push your luck."
Erwin makes a point by closing his eyes and pretending he was fast asleep. Levi, rolling his eyes for the nth time, leans down and brushes stray hairs away from the blond's face before kissing his temple and then walking off to the door. He'll go get some food for when his com–
No.
His boyfriend.
Levi opens the door with a smile on his face. It's not big, or showing a huge set of teeth, but he looks at peace with everything. He exits the door.
He'll go get some food for when his boyfriend wakes up again.