Work Text:
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Hey, pretty boy. Harry-baby.
YOU - Ignore.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Did you just think ‘ignore’ at me? Pussy. Hey, pussy, listen to me.
RHETORIC [Trivial: Success] - You know, if you want his attention, you could consider using some less offensive epithets.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Shut the fuck up. Vicquemare never calls Harry anything nice and he’s still got us practically sucking his sweet dick. Bitch boy, I’m talking to you.
EMPATHY [Easy: Failure] - Jean’s hurting. He’s trying to spare himself from the pain of getting too close.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Motherfucker, I’m hurting. Do you know the last fucking time we had a drink?
LOGIC [Trivial: Success] - Sixteen days ago.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Exactly. No speed, no drinks, just paperwork and fluorescent lights and dead people. How are we supposed to be a good detective without our secret weapon?
LOGIC - It is not very much of a secret.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You won’t care whether or not it’s a secret when we’ve got those sexy, juicy amphetamines. You’re slooooooow, Logic. You’re putting things together at the pace of swimming through molasses. What good are you when a snail can make connections quicker than you?
YOU:
- Keep trying to ignore it. It’ll go away.
- Smack yourself in the forehead.
- “Shut up!”
YOU - Is that…. Everything?
RHETORIC - Hey, you try coming up with three possibilities with this guy yelling at you.
YOU:
- Keep trying to ignore it. It'll go away. <
- Smack yourself in the forehead.
- "Shut up!"
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh, baby, you can’t get rid of me so easy. I’m not going anywhere. I’m parched, Harry-boy, and so are you.
COMPOSURE [Challenging: Success] - Being sixteen days sober is an accomplishment. We’re working together to make it seventeen. Just don’t give up. This can be overcome.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Oh, you can’t tell me you believe in that shit. We’re never getting sober. We want to get worse! Drugs, Harry, remember what it’s like to get yourself all dosed up on those beautiful, delicious drugs? You miss it. You know you do.
PAIN THRESHOLD [Godly: Failure] - You can’t hold back the shudder that goes through your body, the overwhelming temptation followed by a roiling wave of nausea. The pencil you’re holding snaps in two from the force of your grip, sending splinters all over your paperwork.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective? Is everything alright?”
HALF LIGHT - IDIOT.
VOLITION - Fuck. Fuck, he doesn’t need to have reason to think you’re going to—
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Tell him you’re going to the bathroom, and then go get a drink.
RHETORIC - No!
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Do any other one of you pussy bitches have a better plan?
INLAND EMPIRE - Can you breathe okay, Harry? It kind of feels like you can’t breathe. Just a little bit.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - For the love of Her Innocence, look at you! Barely holding it together! Get a drink. Now.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective?”
LOGIC - You still haven’t answered.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie.
YOU:
- Lie.
YOU - Seriously?
YOU:
- Lie.
- [Rhetoric 16 - Heroic] Ask Kim for help figuring out some of the forms you’re meant to fill out. You are truthfully having some trouble.
CHECK FAILURE
YOU - The words come spilling out of your mouth, tumbling over each other. “I want a drink bad, Kim.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - What the fuck is wrong with you!!!!!!! That was the one thing you weren’t supposed to say!!!!!!!
KIM KITSURAGI - “Oh.” The lieutenant’s eyes are momentarily soft, shining with worry. He sighs. “I considered as much. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Would you like to take a walk?”
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Did he just ask if you want to go for a walk? Like you’re some sort of dog? You’re a strong, grown, masculine man. You don’t need him. You don’t need anyone!
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You need a drink.
CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - You realize Kim has been looking at you for the last 30 seconds or so as you nervously tap the stub of your now-broken pencil on the desk. There’s a concerned furrow between his brows as he waits for you to reply.
RHETORIC - We can come up with something smart to say. Definitely.
LOGIC - This is a yes or no question.
YOU - “I… yes.”
KIM KITSURAGI - “Alright. Let me finish putting these signatures on paper and we can go.” His attention has turned back to his work, but only on the surface. His mind is on you.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - I hate him. He’s so hot. We should have hate sex.
DRAMA - My liege, you do not hate this man in the slightest.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Look at him. He’s got “sobriety” written all over his stupid hot face. He’s the reason we don’t have any fucking drugs.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy: Success] - Kim slips his jacket over his shoulders in a single, smooth motion. It’s fucking cool. You watch him do it, having given up any pretense of pretending to make progress on your paperwork.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Perv.
HAND/EYE COORDINATION [Medium: Success] - Thankfully, you stand up without making a fool of yourself, which was definitely an option on the table. You don’t know why you’re so fucking shaky, but your hands are still now and youre upright. You’re great! You’re great.
INLAND EMPIRE - You are so normal.
SAVOIR FAIRE - You smile at Kim, to prove how normal you are. He raises a brow in your direction.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success] - Your shaky hands, the distraction, the static that feels like it’s invading your mind? That’s withdrawal. You might be two weeks and change free from alcohol, but it’s only a little over a week since you faced the facts and tossed the amphetamines. You thought you had a little crash over the weekend because you were tired? No. Chemical hangover. You’ll continue to experience these symptoms for the foreseeable future.
YOU - What? How long is the “foreseeable future”?
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] - Three weeks. Maybe four.
YOU - How do I even know this?
ENCYCLOPEDIA - This isn’t the first time you’ve tried to get clean, Harry. It might be the best time, but it’s not the first.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It’s going to be the last time, too. Fuck you and your stupid self-betterment. You can’t even hold a fucking pencil! You need back on those amphetamines, stat! How are you supposed to be good at your job?
KIM KITSURAGI - “Are you ready, detective?” He looks somewhat amused.
YOU - “Yes! Yes. Ready for anything.” You make some sort of boxer motion with your fists.
DRAMA - This is embarrassing, sire.
KIM KITSURAGI - He gestures towards the door. “After you.”
RHETORIC - Say something smart!
SAVOIR FAIRE - Say something cool!
LOGIC - Just fucking say thank you, for Innocence’s sake.
YOU - “Thank you.”
PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium: Failure] - Have I mentioned that your body really hurts lately?
YOU - Can you stop mentioning it?
PAIN THRESHOLD - No.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Is your leg bothering you?” He looks more concerned than he did a few moments ago.
PAIN THRESHOLD - It’s not not bothering you.
HALF LIGHT - You idiot you stupid idiot you gave too much to him he knows you’re weak he knows you’re a stupid weak idiot—
YOU - “Not really more than usual.”
KIM KITSURAGI - “Usual?”
REACTION SPEED - This was on you if you thought he wouldn’t catch it.
YOU:
- “The usual amount that it bothers me is not at all! Like it is not bothering me at all right now!”
- “Is it not supposed to do that?” <
- Say nothing.
KIM KITSURAGI - “No, it’s not.”
EMPATHY [Medium: Success] - He’s really worried. More than he’d like to let on, but some of it bleeds into his expression.
HALF LIGHT - Why did you say that now he’s going to know you’re weak he can leave you when you’re weak—
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You wouldn’t be such a weak little bitch if you got some amphetamines back in your syste—
YOU - “Shut up!”
RHETORIC - Oh, now Kim’s really going to think you’re crazy.
KIM KITSURAGI - “I beg your pardon?”
YOU - “No, not you ‘shut up.’ I should shut up. The— my thoughts should shut up.”
KIM KITSURAGI - Instead of that judgemental eyebrow raise, Kim places a steadying hand on the small of your back as the two of you find a couple winding streets with more privacy, and nods. “That’s not entirely uncommon, detective. Many addicts have discussed having a ‘voice’ to their addiction, one that feels as though it’s urging them to act on destructive thoughts that don’t support their recovery.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Fuuuuck him. I’m not some stupid voice, I’m you, Harry-baby, as much you as the words that leave your lips. I’m as much you as any other motherfucker in here. You don’t get to “recover” from me. I’m never leaving.
YOU - You clear your throat. “Well, that’s…”
REACTION SPEED [Easy: Success] - Don’t even think about saying “good.” You’re talking about addiction here.
YOU - “...interesting.”
RHETORIC - Really?
YOU - Look, I’m trying, you think, but you sound pathetic even in the depths of your own mind.
KIM KITSURAGI - Kim nods. Thankfully, he doesn’t press your choice of wording. “The ways that our minds work can be both strange and fascinating, yes.”
YOU - “Does it go away?”
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Can you stop sounding like a wimp?
PAIN THRESHOLD [Trivial: Failure] - Who cares what we sound like, this body feels like it’s going to break down any minute.
KIM KITSURAGI - “It’s different for everyone. Some people find that it’s quiet more the further they progress in their recovery. I take it that’s what has been giving you trouble this morning?”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Maybe you can suck his dick until he passes out and then leave him asleep to get the goods.
LOGIC - Feeling such a strong sexual attraction likely does have to do with your newfound sobriety. You haven’t had this feeling in a while.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - To a man.
LOGIC - We are on the verge of collapse. We do not have time for homo-phobia right now.
YOU - “Sort of.”
KIM KITSURAGI - “There are medications to aid with withdrawal symptoms. We could order some.”
EMPATHY [Easy: Failure] - Why does he look weird all of a sudden? Is that guilt on his face?
ENDURANCE [Easy: Failure] - Your vision blurs threateningly, interrupting your muddy train of thought.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Medications?? To make you less fun?? And more fucking boring? No! No fucking way!
PAIN THRESHOLD [Easy: Success] - This walk has only aggravated your not-quite-healed bullet wound and the fresh air hasn’t been very invigorating. Sit down.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - No! Keep walking! Keep walking until you find a fucking bar! Don’t let him give you any of that fun killing shit!
YOU - “Mm-mmhm,” you say intelligently.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective?” There is real urgency in the lieutenant’s voice. He’s leading you somewhere.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Trivial: Success] - A bench. You’re going to a bench, which you’re going to sit on.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - “Don’t fucking touch me!”
LOGIC - Uh oh.
YOU - Uh oh??
LOGIC - Well, Electrochemistry isn’t really supposed to be able to do that.
HAND/EYE COORDINATION [Easy: Success] - It’s definitely beneficial that Kim is guiding you right now. You’re shaking and sweating and it’s not pretty.
SAVOIR FAIRE - If you’re being honest, you look about as good as you feel: shit.
CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - If not for the white rectangle on the back of your coat, you could be any addict in Jamrock, aching for another fix, on the streets with an RCM officer preventing you from falling over.
HALF LIGHT - Aren’t you? Aren’t you?
KIM KITSURAGI - “Sit first, officer.” There’s a bit of steel in his tone. There’s a pang in your stomach, but the regret of inconveniencing Kim is nothing compared to the way your whole body burns.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - “Don’t tell me what to do.” Your words are slurred. Why are they fucking slurred! I bet they wouldn’t be if we had drugs. Get some fucking speed in here.
KIM KITSURAGI - “I understand that this is difficult. Unfortunately for you, I will not make this easy by leaving now.”
YOU - “Fuck you. I’m never gonna get better. Just worse. Didn’t you hear Jean? He knew me for six years. He never tried to do this to me.”
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] - Not true. Jean very badly wanted you to be sober at first. The first time you relapsed he slapped a table so hard he bruised his knuckles. For years afterward you never stopped wondering if you were the intended recipient.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - At least he figured it out the first time! At least he gave in and let you be fun and good. You’re supposed to be a party boy, Harry, you always have been.
KIM KITSURAGI - He’s quiet for a moment. “I heard him,” he says. “I don’t necessarily believe him.”
YOU - “Why not? It hasn’t worked so far!” The laugh that bubbles out of your throat is a little manic.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Recovery is a process,” he says. He doesn’t look phased. “This is part of that process.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - NO! It’s not. It can end here. Go get a drink, Harry, please. You need it. You need it like you’ve never needed it before. Just go on. Say it.
VOLITION [Heroic: Failure] - It’s so loud.
YOU - “I need a drink,” you say, your voice hoarse.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy: Success] - Your hands are shaking in your lap. They’re clammy, cold and sweating, just like the rest of you.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - A drink would calm you down.
KIM KITSURAGI - “No,” he says. “I’m not going to enable you.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - “You want me to suffer,” you say, the words ripping themselves out of your mouth. “I’m dying anyway, Kim, what’s the fucking point? Am I supposed to die boring and shit at my job? I need— I need—”
KIM KITSURAGI - “I don’t want you to suffer.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - “Then let me go back !”
REACTION SPEED [Trivial: Success] - There are tears on your cheeks. When did you start crying?
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - “I’m no good without it! I need to be able to be a really good detective. Speed. I need it. You have to let me have some. I’ll go get it. But then you can’t tell. I need to be good again.” You’re babbling. You don’t like the voice withdrawal gives you. It’s ugly and honest and chokes you with the force of it.
KIM KITSURAGI - Kim’s face is impassive. He says nothing but gives a tiny nod as though telling you to continue speaking.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - “Is this good for you?” You’re grasping at straws— not even. You’re scrabbling for purchase at anything you can find, your leg bouncing, staring at the ground. “You like seeing me like this. You’re trying to take everything away because you like seeing me weak. You want me dead. I don’t want to be around you.”
KIM KITSURAGI - “Look at me,” Kim says.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - DON’T LOOK AT HIM HE’S TRYING TO KEEP YOU FROM WHAT YOU NEED—
LOGIC - You look up.
KIM KITSURAGI - “I do not understand exactly how difficult withdrawal can be. But I understand it is difficult.” He holds out a hand to your forehead, and you shudder as he touches you. “For that reason we can discuss this conversation later. I have the feeling you have said quite a few things you don’t mean.”
COMPOSURE [Legendary: Failure] - By the time Kim touches you, you are already crying, but any chance you had to remedy that is gone as he presses the back of his hand to your cheek. Now you’re sobbing on a park bench at ten in the morning in downtown Jamrock like the fuck up you are.
KIM KITSURAGI - “It seems you have a fever,” Kim says. “This makes sense; it is a fairly common symptom of withdrawal. I failed to anticipate how much physical reliance your body would maintain. Have you changed something recently?”
YOU - “Kicked the speed,” you mumble. You hadn’t told Kim. You just sort of thought it was fine. Obviously not.
KIM KITSURAGI - “I see. The side effects of going cold turkey from multiple substances at once are, of course, numerous. It is not even necessarily the best option.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Does this mean we’ll get—
LOGIC - No.
KIM KITSURAGI - “For that I apologize.”
LOGIC [Easy: Failure] - What does he have to be sorry for??
YOU - “What do you have to be sorry for?” you repeat. You sound a bit more stunned than you intended.
KIM KITSURAGI - His lips twitch into a small, sad smile. “I am sorry that you are in so much pain, detective. And that I was unable to prevent at least some of it.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - He’s insane.
DRAMA - You’re one to talk.
YOU - “Oh,” you say, brilliantly.
KIM KITSURAGI - He lowers his hand from your face and grasps one of yours, sweat and all. “This is not over,” he says, and he sounds determined. “It is incredibly difficult not to give in to these impulses. It is— good that we are able to talk about it.”
COMPOSURE - You nod. You have stopped crying at this point.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] - Once, in the before times— not just before you lost your memory, but before you met Her, before you began worshipping substance and Dora and Revachol— the train of thought you now know as Electrochemistry was kind to you. It was waking up early to see the sunrise. It was cliff jumping and skydiving and swing dancing. It was the high jump and the hurdles and marathons. It was MCs and engines and joyrides. It was beautiful. It was a spark of life.
Kim was right when he said that you were in pain. Nothing in you is so self-destructive, so horrifically self-loathing, without being in so much pain it has been swallowed by it. In some ways Electrochemistry was the first part of you to forget who you were, and its lover was liquor; its devotion was to pills and powder. Electrochemistry clung to the love of substances when there was no other love. It warped itself around their hideous demands.
INLAND EMPIRE - Imagine it, Harry. Imagine it being the only love you know. Wouldn’t you be bitter? Wouldn’t you be pained?
YOU - I don’t think I have to imagine.
ESPRIT DE CORPS - You will apologize to the lieutenant, later. When you do, he will accept it. He already has. He’s just waiting for the words.