Work Text:
“I called my contact and he’s coming with supplies. He’s supposed to be getting us a jet, too, but we’ll see about that,” Natasha told Yelena as she came into the motel room, locking the door behind her. Yelena looked over at her from where she was rummaging through their duffel bag for a water bottle.
They had come to a stop for the night in another dirty motel room. They had already been in a different one the night before, but this one they would likely be in for a few days as they waited for Natasha’s contact. Honestly, Yelena somewhat missed their last one since this one seemed to be dingier than the previous one they had stayed at.
“The Avengers jet?” Yelena questioned, trying desperately to keep the hope out of her voice at the thought of getting to ride in something as awesome at that machine. And the possibility of driving it was positively tantalizing.
“Probably not quite. I’d honestly sooner expect a broken-down Vespa with wings on the sides,” Natasha admitted with a slight smirk tugging at her lips at the thought. Yelena huffed in reply, a grin coming over her at the joke. However, she quickly fought it down, trying not to show Natasha too much emotion.
Yelena finally found her water bottle, and she quickly looked to her side as Natasha sidled up to her, her shoulder brushing Yelena’s. It took everything within Yelena not to lean against Natasha and into the warmth radiating from the older woman.
Yelena somehow held it together, however, and she just raised an eyebrow at Natasha. Natasha seemed to completely ignore Yelena, and she grabbed multiple different gadgets from the bag before taking them over to the nearby desk.
Yelena watched her leave, feeling a deep sadness come over her as she quickly came to the conclusion that Natasha obviously had not felt the same connection as she had. Yelena then headed over to the bed, crawling onto it and reclining on the bed. Her eyes shifted quickly to Natasha’s form as she tried to surreptitiously study Natasha.
Yelena looked at the older woman, her eyes running over her form as she took in more about Natasha’s appearance. She was so much older now, but Yelena could see the remnants of that little girl left behind in her features. Her nose had never changed except for a slight crookedness of the bridge of it that told the story of the many times it had been broken.
But her eyes were perhaps the thing that had not truly changed at all. They were still that light shade of green with that determination, drive, and stubbornness still prevalent as ever. But they lacked that intense warmth that they used to hold.
However, over the time that they had spent together since they were first reunited, Yelena had caught Natasha gazing at her with strong remnants of that childhood warmth, but Natasha would quickly look away and pull up her walls once again, making sure there was a firm guard between her and Yelena.
Which somehow hurt even more than just the cold barrier because it left Yelena with hope. Hope for what could be when she did not even know if Natasha wanted to keep in touch after this entire effort in taking down the Red Room was over.
“Alright… So I’m thinking at this point, we’re just going to wait on my contact for a few days until he reaches a rendezvous point that we can more closely access… Then we can suit up and easily snatch Alexei. I might be able to rig up the tablet that my contact’s bringing to help us finish the job easier,” Natasha explained, and Yelena quickly looked down at the water bottle in her hand as Natasha gazed over at her. Yelena then met her gaze again, trying to be cool about it.
“What do you think?” Natasha asked, raising an eyebrow, and Yelena just huffed.
“I think it’s too simple. You need to think through the smaller details,” Yelena replied, taking a sip from her water, and Natasha rolled her eyes, irritation shining through at Yelena’s words.
“It’s a draft,” Natasha retorted, bits of aggravation in her voice, and Yelena felt the anger rising within her at Natasha’s tone. Even though things had been going relatively well between them, Yelena still felt her anger and bitterness simmering just beneath the surface. Natasha’s less than enthused voice was all that it took to drag it to the surface in all of its ugly glory.
“You asked me what I thought, and I delivered. Of course, you don’t seem to appreciate me telling you what I think anyway, so I really don’t know why you asked,” Yelena expressed, allowing a bit of bitterness into her tone. She could feel Natasha’s glare on her.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Natasha demanded, and Yelena just shrugged.
“Well, I mean, you don’t seem to love it when I tell you that you’re full of it when you say that you weren’t just trying to ditch me.”
“Yeah. Because I wasn’t,” Natasha replied, and Yelena could see that she was starting to rile the redhead up. Honestly, Yelena had not originally been planning to go down this road tonight, but she decided that it was time to address things for the good or the bad.
“Oh, yeah? And I suppose you weren’t trying to hurt people’s feelings either, were you?” Yelena narrowed her eyes. However, as Natasha simply gaped at her as if she had been slapped, Yelena realized how much emotion and vulnerability she had just allowed to be shown in that heat of anger. Yelena quickly tried to think of something more hardened to say as she turned away on the bed, moving her water bottle over to the end table.
“Never mind. It wasn’t real to you anyway, and you don’t care, so—"
“I’m sorry,” Natasha interrupted, her voice loud. Yelena froze, her words dying on her tongue as she spun around quickly to look at the redhead. Natasha’s eyes were on her and it was the most intense, honest gaze that Natasha had offered her since they reunited. Yelena was silent, simply looking back at the redhead with pure shock.
“I really did think that I destroyed the Red Room and I really thought that you might have gotten free. It was either that or you died,” Natasha explained, and Yelena just stared into those striking light greens as they remained locked with her own pools.
“And maybe I did keep telling myself a lie. But it was better than believing that you could have died. I couldn’t live with that thought,” Natasha admitted, clenching her jaw as she kept her eyes on Yelena. Yelena quickly took note of the small movement, realizing that it seemed to be one of Natasha’s tells that she was uncomfortable or upset. Yelena felt her stomach twist as she realized that Natasha was actually being sincere with this apology.
“So you’re right. It was real. It was so real that it hurt. And I know it’s not fair to you at all, but I tried to forget because it was so real that it haunted me. Every. Single. Day,” Natasha expressed, her voice cracking as she emphasized the words.
“It still did even when I tried to forget,” Natasha admitted, and Yelena could see the pure conflict and guilt in her eyes.
Yelena looked down, letting her chin drop to her chest as she tried to contain her own emotions. She honestly could not believe that Natasha really felt that it was real even after she had so callously told her that it was not. And even though she knew she should still be mad about Natasha trying to forget, Yelena could not bring herself to be because Natasha’s reasons for forgetting were so pure and so indicative of her love.
Yelena forced the corners of her lips downward to try to keep the tears at bay, and she nodded in reply to Natasha, swallowing hard before pulling her head back up to meet Natasha’s eyes. To her pure shock, Natasha’s eyes were glistening just a bit.
“Thank you,” Yelena quietly told her. She could hear Natasha sigh through her nose and resume in her searching through the items she had spread across the desk. Yelena kept her eyes on the older woman, almost stunned as she saw her in a whole new light.
Once she got past being quite so angry, Yelena could see the uncertainty in Natasha’s posture and the tenseness. Before, Yelena had only taken in the stiffness and the guardedness in the woman’s movements. Now that she had heard clear evidence that showed Natasha was more than just an exceedingly reserved, colder husk of that child she once was, Yelena could more clearly see what was going on inside of the other woman’s head.
Natasha shot her the barest glance as she worked, and anyone else would not have noticed it. However, Yelena knew that Natasha was watching her and if that telltale clench of her jaw was anything to go by, she was likely uncomfortable and anxious.
Natasha stopped in her busying about at the desk, releasing a deep sigh as she closed her eyes tightly. Yelena could see the stress in her and just how burdened that she was. As she stood there leaning against the desk with her hands spread across the top of it and her arms holding her up, Natasha let her shoulders fall, a deep breath escaping her and her head dipping down just a little.
“You’re staring,” Natasha acknowledged, looking at her. However, Yelena could not bring herself to look away from the older woman. Natasha reopened her eyes finally after several long moments, and Yelena almost glanced away, but she maintained her stare consistently despite the slight discomfort and awkwardness between them.
“You look tired,” Yelena replied, knowing the comment would shut Natasha up. If her short time with her so far had taught her anything, it was that Natasha hated to show weakness more than anything.
Sure enough, Natasha tensed a bit and turned her gaze away. After a small beat of hesitation, Yelena moved over to the right side of the bed, wordlessly offering Natasha a place next to her if she wanted to take advantage of it. She could easily tell that Natasha noticed her movement as her gaze flickered barely in her direction.
Natasha sighed deeply through her nose before making her way over to the place Yelena cleared for her. Yelena raised an eyebrow just a little as Natasha sat down on the side of the bed heavily, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees as she held her head in her hands.
“I’ll keep watch,” Yelena told her quietly, and she could see Natasha shake her head.
“We need to discuss this plan and get things sorted out.”
“Plan-hatching is for coherent people. Go to bed, and we’ll discuss it in the morning,” Yelena commanded gently, and Natasha let out a slight sigh. All was quiet for a long moment, and just as Yelena was about to speak up and insist, Natasha kicked her shoes off.
Yelena watched her carefully as she moved herself onto her back to lie down on the bed. She looked up to meet Yelena’s eyes, and Yelena took the opportunity of silence to take in Natasha’s eyes more closely, trying to commit all of it to memory. This was the first extremely close eye contact that they had shared so far, and Yelena was so near to her that she could see the gold bits in Natasha’s eyes.
They had always been beautiful eyes that made Yelena feel safe, and now that she understood the person she was dealing with at this point, she could see that they still were just as gorgeous and intense. And somehow for Yelena, they still held home within their depths.
She could see their exhaustion and something that resembled trepidation and slight shyness as she gazed at Yelena.
“Before you say it, I’ll wake you when it’s my turn,” Yelena told her, somehow knowing that was what the older woman was going to say. Natasha looked somewhat taken aback, but the smallest bits of a smile tugged at her lips as she turned her head back to face the ceiling.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Natasha expressed, and Yelena nodded with a slight smirk, resisting the urge to move closer to the redhead at her side.
“I have no doubt.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Natasha jerked awake, automatically opening her eyes widely as she looked around the room and tried to regain her bearings. She looked to the side quickly as she felt an intense warmth radiating against her side. She swiftly looked up at the person perched against the headboard, and Yelena met her eyes with great surprise. They both stared at each other for a long moment, and Natasha wordlessly took in a great many things during that time.
However, the first and most primary thing that she realized was that Yelena was pressed closely against her. The second was that Yelena looked almost embarrassed and somewhat nervous as she looked into her eyes.
“You talk in your sleep,” Yelena spoke, and Natasha closed her eyes, shaking her head as she released a groan and looked away from the blonde lying next to her. Natasha quickly noted that it seemed that anytime Yelena was uncomfortable, Yelena had to say something to fill the silence or the awkwardness regardless of how random the words might be.
Natasha somehow appreciated it even though it was not her own first instinct to attempt to fill voids with words.
“What time is it?” Natasha asked her, and Yelena shrugged nonchalantly.
“Around six o’clock.”
“You let me sleep six hours?” Natasha questioned concernedly, not pleased with the large amount of time Yelena had given her. She had not wanted the blonde to stay awake for the majority of the night simply for Natasha to have rest.
“Yeah. What’s the big deal?”
“You stayed up all night,” Natasha expressed aloud despite her trepidation in voicing the feelings out loud. She could have sworn that she immediately spotted Yelena’s eyes softening. However, the younger woman quickly disguised it with a carefree smirk.
“Well, to make it up to me, you can let me sleep for eight hours,” Yelena informed her with a slight smirk as she moved down and laid on the bed next to Natasha. Natasha did not miss the fact that Yelena was still squished against her just as closely as she had been when she was sitting up.
It was a strange feeling, but Natasha found that she greatly enjoyed the sensation even if she and Yelena were not exactly on the most perfect of terms.
Natasha honestly wanted their sisterhood back. However, she was afraid that Yelena did not entirely feel the same way. Sure, she seemed to want Natasha in her life to some degree, but Natasha was not certain of just how much she wanted Natasha to be in her life.
She did not regret her apology she had uttered the previous night. Once she figured out that she had injured Yelena’s feelings, she absolutely had to apologize. Yelena meant far too much to her to let her remain hurt.
Natasha knew that if she had her way, she would take Yelena into her life and never let her get away again. It would be more than just a short arrangement or a few small visits. Natasha wanted to share her life with the younger woman and spend her lifetime making up for lost time and for all of her many mistakes she had made.
But Yelena probably did not even want Natasha. Natasha honestly could not blame her if she felt that way. Natasha did not believe that she even deserved to have Yelena back in her life. Natasha had ruined her life due to her negligence and she did not deserve something so beautiful and wonderful as Yelena.
While it was not as if Yelena was a saint, Natasha still had been watching the blonde and she could see the innocence and loving nature that remained inside of her despite what the Red Room had wanted for her. Natasha knew that Yelena was still a better person than her because at least Yelena had been under mind control instead of being psychologically traumatized with the choice to die or do evil. So many times now, Natasha wished that she had been strong enough to choose to die rather than to commit the atrocities that she had.
But it was too late for all of that now.
“We need to go buy water or vodka or something later today,” Yelena expressed, and Natasha nodded slightly as Yelena propped the empty water bottle on her chest and nose as she focused her eyes on the bottle carefully.
Natasha barely held back the smile as Yelena poked her nose against the bottle. It was a positively adorable sight, and it was one that threatened to make her burst into a giant grin despite her better judgement. When they had been in the restaurant just the other day, Natasha found herself practically melting at the sight of Yelena pressing her nose against the beer bottle.
“Sure. But let’s stick with water. I’m honestly not ready to see what kind of drunk you are,”
“We drank beer the other day,” Yelena informed her, moving the bottle off of her chest as she closed her eyes.
“That was beer. Vodka is an entirely different story,” Natasha assured her with a chuckle warming her voice. Yelena raised an eyebrow.
“I am Russian. I can handle Vodka,” Yelena declared much too confidently, peeking open an eye to look at Natasha. Natasha just rolled her eyes a little, taking in the gorgeous eye that had opened to meet her own.
Yelena had always had the most beautiful eyes, and they were still that gorgeous shade of honey-green that always made Natasha’s heart swell with love. Yelena had grown larger and there was significantly more mischief in them than there was in childhood days, but Natasha still absolutely adored those eyes even though she would do her best to avoid Yelena finding out.
After all, she did not want to make Yelena uncomfortable or something and scare off any chances of maintaining a connection with the blonde.
“You’re staring,” Yelena informed her, and Natasha smirked just a little at the Yelena’s echoing of their exchange from earlier. Natasha wondered if Yelena knew just how much Natasha actually cared. She likely did not, and Natasha was not sure if she would ever tell her. At least for an exceedingly long time anyways.
She was not going to screw this up with the younger woman. Not this time.
“You look tired,” Natasha replied in the same tone of voice as Yelena had used with her. Yelena just snorted a little as she brought up her arms and folded them underneath the back of her head. Natasha immediately noticed that Yelena had opened both of her eyes and was now looking up at Natasha.
Natasha just looked back at her quietly, taking in the blonde’s face.
Her nose still upturned in that positively adorable manner, and she still had those delightfully chubby cheeks that succeeded in completely melting Natasha’s heart every time that she saw them. She could almost picture that grumpy expression that a younger Yelena got on her face when things did not go perfectly her way, and she found that she somewhat wanted to see if this Yelena was able to perform that same face.
After what felt like centuries of looking at one another, Natasha finally ripped her gaze away, knowing that she was growing much too emotionally invested when she did not know the full extent of Yelena’s feelings.
Out of the corner of her eye, she paid close attention to Yelena’s expression. To her surprise, she noted that Yelena looked at her for a moment more before looking down somewhat disappointedly. Natasha sat up in the bed, pulling herself up so that she could watch over her sister and the room. She did not really know what she was going to do throughout six or eight hours, but she figured that she would eventually get up and try to find something to occupy herself with in the room.
Of course, she had plenty on her mind, and it would likely keep her sitting in that same spot for quite some time.
“When I get up, let’s go get something to eat,” Yelena suggested, and Natasha looked back over at Yelena with a slight smile. Yelena’s eyes were closed, so Natasha allowed her grin to grow larger.
“Sure.”