Chapter Text
Juyeon was about to knock at the door of his new room when he heard the shouts right behind it. "What the hell, man? You decided to switch rooms and you didn't even bother to tell me?" was what Younghoon's former roommate had to say.
"Chill, Jae. I didn't tell you because I knew you would be like this. We spent half of our lives together and now I want to spend my third grade with Chanhee. Is that so wrong?" Younghoon tried to calm him down. "Besides, I told you this kid is nice."
This kid? Juyeon blinked in surprise when he realized that Younghoon was talking about him.
Was he nice? Yeah, probably, that's what people usually said about him.
"I don't give two shits about him. I told you I could only survive uni as your roommate, how do you expect me to deal with a stranger?" his new roommate, Jaehyun, kept going. Juyeon clenched his teeth in anger. He had to bear up with him from now on?
"Oh, Jaehyun, for fucks sake. I'm not moving to Busan or flying to the moon, I'm just gonna live on the third floor from now on" Younghoon said with a sigh. "And I told you he is an outdoor person. He spends half of his time in our club. You won't bother each other."
"Great, so he is one of these horses-are-awesome type of guys?" Jaehyun asked and Juyeon realized he was about to lose his cool. He didn't even know what he looked like but he already knew he would absolutely hate him.
"Do I look like such a guy to you?" Younghoon asked and his best friend must have nodded, because he continued. "See? He's just a nice guy whose hobby is horse-riding and taking care of Seori. And he's Chanhee's friend, so stop being so bitchy."
"Seori? You want to tell me he named his horse after a weather phenomenon? After a frost?" Jaehyun asked and apparently it was Younghoon's turn to nod. “Jesus Christ, who names an animal like this? Horse riders are so-"
Jaehyun didn't have a chance to finish his sentence. Juyeon interrupted him midway through, opening the door without knocking and startling both of them. Younghoon looked at him with an apologetic smile. It was all he could get now.
"Seori was named by her owner. She's a Lipizzan, so she's entirely white. Her father, Oreum, was a champion, so they are simply continuing the tradition" he explained, looking at a completely unbothered Jaehyun. "Oh. And… Hello, my name is Juyeon. I'm that nice kid” he added, bowing his head mockingly.
"God... I can't do this shit anymore. I'll go and ask if I can get a different room" Jaehyun said, rolling his eyes and leaving the room. Younghoon just sighed and looked at the giant suitcase Juyeon brought with him. He hoped that it would go smoothly. He was wrong.
"I guess... He's not a nice guy" Juyeon said, sitting at the edge of his new bed and shaking his head. Younghoon told him his best friend was fun and only a bit loud but he didn't warn him about his terrible personality. "Go, Younghoon. My room is now free."
"I'm... very sorry. He'll get over it" Younghoon promised and hurried to the door. Juyeon just shook his head again.
He was fucked.
-*-
Jaehyun obviously failed at the attempt to change the room. He came back only ten minutes later with fiery sparks in his eyes and unfriendly aura. Juyeon didn't pay him much attention. He decided it would be better if he simply pretended that Jaehyun didn't exist.
And so he did. For the next few days he barely talked to him apart from very basic sentences like "please turn off the lights" or "do you need to go to the bathroom?". Apart from that - they almost didn't acknowledge each other's presence.
It was... tough.
He wasn't an extravert but he wasn't used to complete silence either. He struggled so much that he started to avoid spending time in his own room. It didn't matter if it was dance club activity, horse riding or studying at the campus library.
Everything was better than having to stay in the same closed space with Jaehyun.
And he felt like his new roommate was feeling the same way about him. The way he has his earphones on all the time was clear evidence. He was a gamer, an addicted one and possibly a very good one, too. He had his crew and spent all his free time on gaming.
He wouldn't turn the computer off to talk to him or anything like that.
There was a barrier between them that simply couldn't be broken.
At all.
-*-*-*-
Two weeks after the beginning of the new semester, Juyeon woke up with 100 notifications. He opened the very first one - the announcement on the university's bulletin board - and almost fell from the bed. A short message was enough to scare him.
Dear Students,
Due to the development of the COVID-19 pandemic, we are forced to switch to online lectures. All students will now take their courses online through a platform we will create for you in the following week. Thus, this week's classes are canceled.
We ask you for your understanding.
That was... unexpected. The pandemic started during their finals but no one paid much attention to it. It was spreading in China at the time and all the experts claimed that the virus wouldn't be a serious threat to young people. To them.
Juyeon focused on studying and passing all his exams, not bothered by it that much. Because medicine and science were fast developing. At least that's what he thought. And now? Now the pandemic was changing the world. His world.
He read the notice again. The classes for the entire week were canceled. What was he going to do, then? The university barely started, he didn't have that much work to do yet. Maybe it was the chance to spend more time at clubs?
A small but quickly growing fear creeped at his heart. If his university had to switch to online classes then what if.... What if his sport clubs would not function normally? He decided to go through the rest of the notifications to check that.
He started with the group chats. People from his major were either crying out of happiness that the classes were canceled or speculating that the world was ending. 250 messages told him nothing new about the situation, so he moved on.
The dance club had one new, pretty long message. It was sent by Changmin who informed the club members that their activities were officially halted by the university because of the pandemic. Their workshops, and trainings.... Couldn't take place at the moment.
Out of a sudden hunch, he quickly checked the website of his horse-riding club. A notice about temporal lockdown of the club was now the first thing he could see on the site. Because of the virus only personnel could enter the club premises to take care of the horses.
Juyeon slowly started to panic. Everything he knew up to this moment of his life was changing drastically. Because of the lockdown he temporarily lost the ability to pursue all his hobbies. It seemed that he had no other choice but to stay in the dorm room.
With Jaehyun.
"Oh for fucks sake..." Juyeon cursed under his breath and got up from his bed. He needed a quick, warm shower to calm himself down. The new reality was unfolding right in front of his eyes and he had to come up with some strategy to survive it.
-*-
"Juyeon, could you hurry? I have half an hour to get to the uni" Jaehyun shouted, knocking on the bathroom door in a rather aggressive manner. Juyeon stopped drying up his hair and opened the door to look at him in confusion. "What's with that look?"
"Didn't you check the bulletin board in the morning?" he asked and his roommate shook his head, crossing his arms on his chest in the why would i do it manner. "Our university is switching to online classes. They need to prepare the platform, so classes for this week are canceled."
"Wait a second... You are not trying to pull some prank on me, are you?" Jaehyun asked, eyeing him suspiciously. Juyeon shook his head, leaving the bathroom to give him some space. "So that means the classes are really canceled. That's great then."
"Great?" Juyeon asked, surprised. He stopped in his tracks to look at him again and check if the older was being sarcastic. To his disbelief - he was not. "What's so great about lockdown? Half of the places and institutions are now closed because of the virus."
"Well, I don't go out that much anyway" Jaehyun replied with a shrug. "And canceled classes mean a whole week to play games with my buddies, so I guess... It is great for me" he added and closed the door to the bathroom, not bothered to notice Juyeon's shocked expression.
Great.
A whole week of boredom and only-God-knows how many days of online classes and spending all his days with Jaehyun in that one, small room. Juyeon gave himself two weeks of patience. And he was aware that he was rather optimistic about it.
-*-
10:19 AM Juyeon: Yo, Chanhee, did you hear the news?
10:23 AM Chanhee: I did
10:23 AM Chanhee: This shit is getting out of hand
10:26 AM Juyeon: It is...
10:27 AM Juyeon: Any plans for today?
10:29 AM Chanhee: Yeah, we will binge watch some drama
10:29 AM Chanhee: Why?
10:31 AM Juyeon: Nah, I was just curious
Juyeon locked his phone with a sigh. It's not like he didn't see that coming. Chanhee and Younghoon were in a much better situation. They were dating, they had lots of ways to spend the time together.
And him? He had only Jaehyun to talk to. So in reality.... he had no one to talk to. Because they wouldn't talk to each other without a reason to do so. And being bored didn't seem like a good excuse to talk to him.
Besides, it wasn't like Juyeon had a chance to actually initiate some conversation. Jaehyun was too busy playing some annoying teamwork RPG game with his group of friends and with his headphones on to even hear him.
The second year of his studies was bound to be challenging, he knew it.
But now? Now it was more like hell.
And Juyeon was alone in this bullshit.
His friend was busy dating and his roommate hated him.
With reciprocity.
Great.
-*-*-*-
He lost his patience after a few days.
Since the classes were canceled and all his outdoor activities couldn't take place, he had almost nothing to do. Sure, he had books he wanted to read for some time now and there was this new series he couldn't wait to binge watch. But... he somehow didn't enjoy it as much as he thought he would.
Maybe it was because he hated rapid changes that he had no influence on? One of his buddies from the dancing club, Eric, said that it was a "capricorn thing", whatever it was supposed to mean. Capricorn or not, he couldn't change that. And he struggled a lot in this fast-changing environment.
But this world was not the only cause of his struggle.
The government advised them to stay home and not meet other people. Juyeon's dormitory asked the students to stay in their dorm rooms and leave the building only if they had something important to do. Juyeon was therefore kept inside his room with Jaehyun and his shouting at characters from his game.
The only way to run away from him was to visit the canteen. It wasn't as good as the restaurant he was a regular at but it was good enough to keep going. Because of the social distance and new precautionary measures, the tables were now separated so that everyone could eat on their own.
For Juyeon it meant an hour of free time and complete silence.
And even though the place smelled like disinfectant spray they suddenly had to use everywhere, he preferred sitting there and slowly eating his dinner to having to listen to Jaehyun's bullshit, the clicking sound of his mouse and all the curses he mumbled under his breath.
At least he didn't have to see him there.
Jaehyun had his stack of instant noodles and a whole box of beer cans.
He was 'fine by himself' and that's the last thing he heard from since the lockdown started.
-*-
The next few weeks weren't much better. The online lectures officially started but half of his professors had problems with hosting the meetings or sharing the ppts with their students. People didn't want to turn their cameras on, so Juyeon was looking at squares with weird profile pics for hours on end.
The whole concept of online classes - which in reality meant hours of sleep for some of the students, Jaehyun included - was... weird. And Juyeon didn't like it. He felt like the current situation was the opposite of all the things he ever wanted from university. That he was completely missing his goals and dreams.
And besides, the need to stay in the room and the inability to pursue his passions... This new reality and spending way too much time in a stuffy room was slowly making him feel as if he was being suffocated by some unknown force.
All he wanted was to be free.
To breathe.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
At the beginning of the second semester, things got even worse.
The virus was getting more and more dangerous with every passing day - new modifications were being discovered and people were being diagnosed with new post-COVID symptoms. And even though Korea did pretty well during the first wave of pandemic, the threat was big. And it was growing in other parts of the world.
Juyeon's university decided to continue online classes. This decision was reasonable - more and more researchers pointed out that young people could suffer from COVID as much as the adults did, on the contrary to the first news about the virus. No one wanted to put students in danger and make it possible for virus to spread.
However... This solution had one weakness.
Online classes meant staying in their homes and dorms.
And being kept inside was pretty bad for students' mental health.
Which also meant new problems and difficulties they had to overcome.
Juyeon had problems with staying focused and sitting down in one spot for hours. He wasn't feeling well physically - after leading a very acting life for several years now, all he could do in the current situation was to work down in his dorm room and he didn't want to do it in front of Jaehyun.
And his mental health... Significantly deteriorated.
In the past Juyeon didn't have any major problems. He was an active, happy teenager who was a bit shy at first but could fit in any group after some time and effort. Pursuing his hobbies made him happy and let him look at the world from a positive perspective. He was -thus - a happy, optimistic person.
Now... Now he couldn't find any positives of this situation.
He felt lonely, he felt trapped, he felt suffocated.
He wasn't used to that. Sitting in the same space for the entire day with a short break for dinner? Having to spend his days with the same person and not being able to see his friends? Sitting and lying on the bed and not having the space or enough comfort to do some sports? He felt like he was in hell.
And if he was to be honest... He wasn't sure how long he could keep going.
He just wanted things to be normal again. To go out and have a drink with Chanhee. To visit the horse-riding club and do some training there. To meet his buddies from the dance club and try to come up with a new choreography. To go to the library, borrow a nice book and read it in the park with iced americano in hand.
He desperately needed fresh air.
And after some time... he started to need it very literally.
When the first panic attack hit him, Juyeon was confused. He didn't know what was happening - he suddenly felt dizzy, his heart started to beat faster and he felt like someone was choking him. His breathing got uneven and his eyes started to tear up. He was completely shaken and calmed down only after a minute or two.
He was scared.
He was shocked.
And he had no one to talk to about it.
-*-*-*-
After some time, his attacks got more frequent. Just like during the first one, he was feeling completely fine up to some point and then - without any warning - a sudden fear was creeping in and he was feeling like he was choked by enormous force, losing the ability to breathe normally for some time.
To his relief - majority of these attacks happened at night. Jaehyun was either asleep or too busy playing his RPG games to notice that anything was wrong. And Juyeon was more than thankful for that. Because even if – theoretically - he could talk to him about it and ask for help, he would never do that.
Not after all these months of silence between them.
He wasn't that desperate.
Juyeon preferred dealing with his attacks on his own. He looked up some ways to calm himself down and he was trying hard to apply them. Sometimes they worked quickly and sometimes he needed much more time to go back to normal state. One way or another, he was fine by himself.
At least that was something he was telling himself.
That he was fine and didn't need help.
Because where could he find help?
Chanhee didn't even notice that anything was wrong. Not that they talked much anyway - they now rarely had time to meet. And even if they did see each other at the canteen, Younghoon was always right beside him. And Juyeon didn't want him to know. And - actually - he didn't want Chanhee to know either.
For some reason... he found it hard to talk about it.
He didn't want to bother anyone.
He didn't feel like looking for a therapist either. He didn't know any specialist and his family had never been in need to contact one. He didn't trust opinions written on the internet and he didn't have money to pay for a visit and medicine. He would need to ask his parents for money first.
And that meant having to tell them about his state.
Juyeon would never do that. He didn't want to worry them; they were stressed because of the pandemic themselves. His dad was about to lose his job and his mom risked her health every single day to save COVID patients. Telling them about his mental health... Would only make things worse.
Just like telling Jaehyun or letting him notice things.
He didn't want it to happen.
-*-
One afternoon was particularly stressful for Juyeon. He was supposed to present a ppt on some topic but the system didn't work properly and he simply couldn't share it. His professor got angry and nagged, even though it wasn't his fault. This slight failure caused another attack.
And this time - Jaehyun wasn't busy playing any game. He was eating his instant noodles, typing something on his phone. He was right in front of him and could notice that he was rapidly losing his breath, so Juyeon got up and hurried to the bathroom, locking the door.
He didn't want Jaehyun to see him.
He was scared that he would start asking questions.
That's why he hid himself in a very tiny space without realizing that... It would make everything 100 times worse. He felt even more suffocated there with no window or fresh air. His breathing got uneven, his head started to feel dizzy. He was about to faint in that stupid bathroom.
He sat down on the floor and pressed his back against the bathroom door, trying to calm himself down. He left his phone on the bed, so he couldn't check all the methods he wrote down and the basic ones didn't seem to work. He started to panic and he was on the verge of crying.
He had never felt that helpless before.
And to his despair, he heard steps approaching the bathroom.
"Juyeon!" Jaehyun shouted, slamming his fist on the bathroom door and startling him. He almost jumped and a loud whine escaped his mouth. No, no, no. This wasn't happening. He wasn't that close. He wasn- "The fuck, dude? Are you jerking off there or what? I need to pee for fucks sake..."
Juyeon flinched.
He clearly didn't expect his dumb roommate to have any empathy in him but... Mixing up panic attacks and masturbating? Well, this was on another level of being a dumbass. Juyeon hugged his knees tightly and sobbed, too overwhelmed by his state to form a proper reply. He just wanted to faint. Or disappear.
Jaehyun's fist slammed on the door again and Juyeon sobbed even louder. He felt hemmed in. There was no way he could escape the bathroom without facing Jaehyun and he didn't want to see his red eyes and pale face. He looked like shit. Exactly like he felt at that moment.
A weak "Fuck off, Jaehyun" was all he could say.
"Fuck off? Fuck off?" Jaehyun repeated in disbelief, the shock stopping him from hitting the door with his fist again. Juyeon didn't mind him. He tried to calm himself down enough to get up, wash his face with some warm water and run away from him. Heading to a canteen in this state didn't seem reasonable. But he had no other choice.
It was either the canteen or Chanhee's room.
And Juyeon really hoped being in a bigger space and having to look calm to not alarm other people would do him good. He couldn't think of another way and he had to act quickly. That's why he got up, washed his face and took a deep breath. He opened the door rapidly and moved past Jaehyun.
"The fuck is happening wi-"
"Don't pretend to worry" Juyeon cut him in, taking his phone and leaving the room. He walked to the canteen slowly, breathing as slowly as he only could to gradually calm down his heart. Bigger space seemed to do its job and since it was before lunch time - almost no one was in the corridors or at the canteen.
He sat down by one of the tables and sighed deeply.
10:47 Chanhee: Dude, you okay?
10:47 Chanhee: You look dead
Juyeon looked at his phone and got even paler. Chanhee must have seen him and now when he knew it, he noticed him and Younghoon sitting by one of the tables and drinking some hot, spiced tea. Chanhee waved at him and his boyfriend did the same and Juyeon weakly reciprocated this gesture.
10:48 Juyeon: I'm fine. Just tired
10:49 Chanhee: Really? That sucks
10:49 Chanhee: Rest over the weekend, okay?
10:50 Juyeon: Yeah, sure
Juyeon sighed again.
It looked like wondering about asking Chanhee for help was pointless anyway.
-*-*-*-
When Juyeon left the room in a hurry, Jaehyun could only stare at him with a dumb expression. He had no idea what was going on and what happened to his roommate. He didn't care about him that much, of course, but he had to know what was wrong if he wanted to keep living in peace for the next months.
He went to the bathroom to pee and think about it.
Juyeon had always been quiet. Jaehyun knew nothing about him and up to this point - he didn't feel the need to be interested in his life. But there was something disturbing in Juyeon's expression today... And something alarming in his tired, teary eyes and shaking shoulders. Something he couldn't ignore.
Even though he really wanted to ignore it.
He returned to his bed with a sigh and grabbed his phone. There was only one person who would help him and tell him what to do. He looked through his contacts and clicked on 'Cobbie', hoping that his friend wasn't busy and could talk to him right now. He had to hurry and solve this puzzle before Juyeon's return.
"Jae?" Jacob picked up his phone almost immediately. He sounded worried as if getting a call from his friend in the middle of the day wasn't normal. Well. For them it wasn't - they were night owls, playing games together with a group of friends. It was probably the first time they called each other before 6 PM.
"Hi, hyung. Can I take some of your time?" Jaehyun asked and when Jacob agreed, he continued. "Well, I think there's something wrong with my roommate. He would suddenly burst into tears and breathe heavily as if he had a heart attack... That's something serious, right?" he asked, waiting for his friend to confirm his worries.
"Well... I can't say much without meeting him and talking to him, you know. But during the pandemic tons of students developed all sorts of anxiety issues and panic attacks. If his life drastically changed because of the pandemic or if he has troubles with accepting changes... It might be that" Jacob explained calmly, as simply as he could.
"Anxiety and panic attacks?" Jaehyun repeated, noting the key words down. It sounded plausible and he trusted his friend. He was a psychology student and the smartest person he had ever met. "Okay, I guess I have to google that and read something about it... I don't want him to actually die because of a heart attack right in front of me."
"Jaehyun..." Jacob's voice changed and Jaehyun knew that he was about to nag. "This is pretty serious and we shouldn't joke about it, alright? Do some research and support him even if you guys didn't have a good start to your relationship, okay?" he asked and Jaehyun sighed in response. He saw that coming.
"Sure, hyung. Thanks for that quick diagnosis and another how-to-not-be-a-dick lecture. I'll see you on the server tonight" Jaehyun said and ended his call. He put the phone down, deciding to do that research right away. He turned on his laptop and typed 'anxiety, panic attacks' in the search bar.
One hours, five websites and lots of reading later, he knew what to do.
And - for some reason - he felt the need to help him.
Just like Jacob asked him to.
-*-
Juyeon returned to the room less than an hour later. Jaehyun pretended to not notice his return, clicking on his laptop like usual. This time, though, he wasn't playing any game. He was consulting with Jacob what he learnt from all these websites. The Internet was helpful in many cases, but this issue was so important that he had to double-check the info.
Juyeon seemed to return to his word, grabbing a book and reading it without paying him much attention. That was good, Jaehyun could observe him secretly and look for any sign of another attack. There was no way any of them could see one coming but reacting as soon as possible would do Juyeon good.
11:49 Cob: I can't believe you are so invested in this. But that's good, Jaehyun. Who knows? Maybe you are finally getting at least 1% of the maturity that me and Younghoon achieved some time ago?
11:50 HJ: Very funny.
11:53 Cob: Oh, come on, don't be so moody! Don't forget to be discreet and don't do anything that could scare him. He probably built up his walls so that no one would hurt him, you need to be PATIENT, okay?
11:54 HJ: Okay, will do.
11:55 HJ: Thanks, hyung. I owe you some good coffee.
11:57 Cob: Nah, I'm fine. You better treat Juyeon to yummy tea in the cafeteria at your dorm. Younghoon said the pumpkin tea is back. It should be tasty.
11:58 HJ: What are you now, Cupid?
11:59 Cob: Maybe. I have a good hunch about you guys.
11:59 HJ: Oh, do you now? Better hurry to your workshops, hyung. See you later.
-*-
For the next few days Jaehyun didn't notice any sign of panic attack. It might have been because of the project Juyeon was working on for some time now. Jaehyun didn't know any details since they didn't talk to each other but he had seen Juyeon reading some books and making notes out of them, clearly for some essay or ppt.
Jacob told him that most people would overthink and - as a result - experience anxiety issues when they had nothing else to do. In such moments they had plenty of time to lose themselves in the maze of their thoughts and insecurities. That was a reason for some of the cases he had studied recently.
And that sounded convincing enough to Jaehyun.
After all - this whole situation could be challenging to all the outdoor and active people like Juyeon. One of his friends, Youngjae, had been exactly the same and Jaehyun knew that he would be struggling a lot if it wasn't for his boyfriend who was right next to him to make him forget about it.
And Juyeon...
Jaehyun had never seen him talking to anyone in this dorm.
And it probably meant that there was no one who could help him right now.
Jacob's 'this is pretty serious' and 'support him' had been living rent free in his head.
Maybe that really was something he should do despite the shitty beginning of their relationship.
-*-*-*-
After the day of the 'bathroom incident' Juyeon continued to pretend that everything was fine with him and he was more than happy that Chanhee was still buying his lies and that Jaehyun seemed to ignore him like he always did. He wasn't asking questions or telling him to explain what happened that day.
The same, old silence was still hanging in the air.
And for some time, it was working pretty well. He had to write some demanding, long essay and look for tons of sources, so it was consuming plenty of his time. He would read, make notes, write a few paragraphs. And repeat. He was completely into that topic and he didn't mind it even though he barely had time to eat or sleep.
Because it kept him busy.
And having things to do was something he missed ever since the beginning of the online classes. Because professors didn't give them many assignments or projects, because the lectures were shorter, because there were no mid-term exams, and because he had no practical classes at the vet clinic. And because all his clubs were closed.
He treasured that one assignment more than he should have.
But at least he was happy doing it.
It gave him some sense of purpose and motivation.
It made him feel better for some time, but when he wrote the entire essay and sent it to his professor, Juyeon felt this annoying emptiness again. It was a Friday evening and he had no plans for it. He had nothing to do and no place to go. And there was no one in this dorm who was willing to spend time with him.
And for Juyeon - it meant another evening of loneliness, silence and struggles.
He decided to look for some movie to watch, but nothing seemed interesting to him. He turned on some music, but it irritated him after twenty minutes or so. He took a random book from his shelf, but after days of reading articles for university, his brain simply refused to comprehend words and create an image of what he was reading in his head.
No, his brain had other plans for him.
Juyeon laid down on his bed and sighed, feeling the same tsunami of thoughts rapidly reaching his mind. Everything that happened in the past few days repeated in his head. Jaehyun knocking on the door, his poor escape, Chanhee's indifference, boring lectures, writing the essay, silence, silence, silence...
This time it was silence that was overwhelming him. And he realized that in the past week, Jaehyun hadn't been that loud and he didn't hear him click his mouse as often as he did in the past. This anomaly probably shouldn't bother him that much but - ironically - in his head this silence was loud. And it was hurting him.
Why was Jaehyun so quiet?
Why wasn't he playing his games?
Why was the only constant suddenly changing?
Juyeon couldn't stop this train of thought and it was speeding up with every second. It made him panic once again and there was no way he could escape from another attack. He grabbed his phone quickly, going through his notes and trying to calm himself down, but it didn't seem to work when Jaehyun was right next to him.
When he was likely to notice.
This made Juyeon even more anxious. He closed his eyes and started to debate whether he should go to that stupid bathroom or try his luck at the canteen. The bigger place seemed like a better choice but could he really risk going out of his room on Friday evening when half of the dorm was probably having dinner there?
No, he couldn't.
He had to stay in his bed.
He had no other choice but to stay in his bed and-
"Juyeon?" Jaehyun's voice was surprisingly loud and when Juyeon realized that it was because he was standing right next to his bed, he almost had a heart attack. He hid his body under a blanket, shaking so bad that it made his roommate sigh with worry. "Juyeon, it's me. It's okay. Please, breathe."
Juyeon's body started to tremble when he realized that Jaehyun saw through him. That he noticed the way he was over ventilating right now and he knew about his state and his problems. His biggest nightmare just became real. "D-Don't make fun of me" he mumbled, weakly, scared that he was just faking his interest in him.
So that he could use his state against him for the next days, weeks, months.
"What? No, Juyeon I wouldn't-" Jaehyun assured him quickly, realizing that Juyeon must have considered him a real dick if he thought he would make fun of him because of his mental problems. "I suck at it, but I really want to help. I’ll open the window. Fresh air should help" he suggested, reaching to a big window and struggling to open it.
A cold, evening wind entered the room as soon as he managed to open the window and Juyeon reluctantly let go of the blanket. He was still shaking like a leaf and Jaehyun's heart sank at the sight. "It's okay, you don't need to hide. Do you want me to leave the room to give you some spa-"
"No" Juyeon said weakly, surprising both of them at the same time. His fingers were wrapped around the hem of the blanket and he wasn't looking at him while he spoke but Jaehyun considered it a success. "I... Could you...? Talk to me?" Juyeon asked after a few seconds and Jaehyun nodded, sighing with relief.
"Of course. May I sit next to you?" he asked gently, trying to use simple sentences and ask for permission to do anything. According to all the websites he checked, this was a good strategy that could help them calm Juyeon down. Juyeon was hesitant for some time but eventually patted his bed with a shaking hand.
Jaehyun used this chance immediately, sitting down on the bed and looking at him for some time to check if there were any improvements. The fresh air seemed to help, because Juyeon's breathing got a bit better as he was breathing more regularly right now. "Tell me, are you taking any meds?"
This time Juyeon shook his head and hid his face in his palms in something Jaehyun read as embarrassment. There was no need to be ashamed of this situation and Jaehyun hoped he could understand that soon. "It's okay, we'll be fine without them. Don't hide your face, please. We need to get your breathing under control."
"I'm trying......." Juyeon mumbled under his nose, his palms still sticking to his face like the strongest plaster. Jaehyun sighed and placed his hands on his shoulders to massage them. Juyeon jumped, definitely not expecting this but he didn't mind the skillful fingers making his muscles relax.
"Good, I'll help you" Jaehyun assured him and Juyeon finally looked at him, surprised. How could he help him breathe? "I'm gonna count. All you have to do is breathe in and out. Deal?" he kept on talking, not wanting him to misunderstand anything. "That's easy. One and two. One and two. Shall we try?"
Juyeon was hesitant at first, because he tried to do it himself so many times before but... He didn't have better ideas. Jaehyun's presence was surprisingly soothing. Trying something else wasn't a bad idea and it seemed like his roommate was really eager to help him, so... He had no reason to say no. "Yeah..."
Jaehyun's method was simple but it wasn't that easy to make it work. Juyeon's brain didn't want to listen to him at first and the progress was pretty slow, but after some time... Juyeon actually started to breathe more evenly. A few minutes later his breathing was already completely under control.
"How did you... know what to do?" Juyeon asked him when they stopped their one-two one-two breathing exercise and he was feeling much better. Jaehyun was still sitting on his bed, closer than he initially thought and for the first time he didn't seem to mind his presence. He actually liked it.
"My friend is a psychology major. I noticed that something was wrong and asked him for help... He told me what to do and even gave me a contact number to his senior, who runs his own clinic now... If you want, I can give it to you. Getting it treated... Might do you good, you know" he explained and Juyeon froze.
"I need some time to... think about it" he admitted, feeling the need to hide himself from Jaehyun again. So he had noticed? And knew about his state? And... decided to help? This was a bit surprising but Juyeon didn't really have it in himself to think about it now. He really needed to sleep on it.
"Sure thing" Jaehyun assured him and sent him a shy smile before he got up and closed the window. It was getting pretty cold in the room and he didn't want any of them to get sick. He closed the window and closed the blinds too, to give them additional comfort. It was dark outside anyway. "Take your time, Juyeon."
Juyeon nodded in response, too tired to agree verbally.
This was a very long evening.
And he needed some rest.
-*-*-*-
A few days had passed before Juyeon came to a decision. Jaehyun didn't want him to put him under additional pressure, so he was keeping his mouth shut. To someone who didn't know their situation, it might have seemed that nothing changed between them. In reality... This one evening changed everything.
The silence between them... wasn't uncomfortable anymore.
It was a sign for Juyeon that Jaehyun was giving him some space. And time to think about asking him for the contact he mentioned that evening. The contact to a specialist who could help him with his anxiety, to a person who he could trust. Someone who was able to treat him and find a way to escape this mess.
And with every day Juyeon was more and more convinced that he really needed it.
Getting his state treated sounded like the only reasonable option. The attacks were getting more and more frequent and he couldn't go through them on his own anymore. It meant his state was getting worse gradually and there was nothing he could do to stop this. Lord, he wouldn't even survive the last attack if it wasn't for Jaehyun.
Jaehyun.
Juyeon didn't expect that he would owe him anything.
But more than anything - he never thought Jaehyun would help him.
Coming to him that evening meant breaking this strong, solid wall that was separating them for months. Helping him out meant having to read about his state. Reading about anxiety attacks meant caring. And Juyeon didn't know how to deal with the fact that Jaehyun cared and did so much.
For him.
-*-
"Jaehyun? Can we talk?" Juyeon asked one day when they were eating some lunch. Juyeon got some kimbap and soup from the canteen and Jaehyun went for his regular, spicy instant noodles. Both of them finished their classes and had nothing else to do, so Juyeon wanted to get it done before his daily game session.
Jaehyun looked up at him and nodded, pushing the instant noodles cup away for now. It seemed that Juyeon finally thought all this through, so his lunch could wait. Just like he waited for his decision. "Sure, go ahead" he replied with a gentle - but a bit awkward - smile, not breaking eye contact.
"Well... You've noticed that something is wrong with me these days. So I should explain this a bit but also... I should thank you, Jaehyun, I don't know if I could calm down without your help that day..." Juyeon said, sounding a bit nervous as if he didn't know where this conversation could take them. Jaehyun couldn't blame him.
"It's okay, really" he assured him, trying to smile a bit more naturally right now and Juyeon relaxed just a little bit. "I know I wasn't the best roommate up to this point, but helping you out was only natural, so... You can come to me if you need me, really... I will do my best. Okay?" he asked, getting nervous himself. He really sucked at serious talks.
Juyeon nodded, letting Jaehyun's words sink in. He had to take it slow so that he wouldn't end up with another attack while... talking about them. "That's highly appreciated, thank you" he finally spoke up, feeling slightly better. He now had someone to talk to about it. Someone who seemed genuinely worried. "You said something about a clinic, right?"
It was Jaehyun's turn to nod. "My friend knows someone who might help you. Jacob studies psychology and knows people very well, so... I trust him" Jaehyun said. In his eyes his friend deserved the Nobel Peace Prize for putting up with humanity. "He gave me his senior's contact number. Do you want to try calling him?"
Juyeon hesitated only a few seconds before nodding his head.
It was finally time to do something about his state. If Jaehyun was willing to help him and if there was someone trust-worthy who could do something about his state, there was no point waiting for a miracle to happen. He had to start taking responsibility for his mental health and get his life sorted out again. "Yes, please send it to me. I'll call him."
-*-
Juyeon did call the therapist that day and booked himself a visit. Jaehyun informed Jacob about it and his friend decided to go there with them, because 'he had to visit the clinic to pick up documents anyway' but Jaehyun was convinced that he just wanted to make sure that everything would go smoothly.
Jacob met them near the entrance of the clinic. When Juyeon saw him, he understood why Jaehyun called him an angel. He had such a calm, stoic face and one of the most beautiful smiles Juyeon had ever seen. He hurried to greet them and introduced himself in a gentle, soft voice. Angel. He really was one.
"Okay, here we are. My sunbae's room is at the end of the corridor, you just need to register yourself and wait for him there. We are a bit early, so it might take some time, though" Jacob said, looking at them. Juyeon seemed nervous and Jaehyun looked tense. "Do you want us to wait with you there?"
Juyeon shook his head, taking a deep breath and organizing his thoughts. "I'm a big boy... I think" he said, not sounding very confident, but Jacob didn't want to pressure him about it. Juyeon looked around and noticed a cafe. "But you might wait for me there. Here" he took out his credit card and handed it to Jaehyun. "It's on me."
"Wow, wow, Juyeon wai-" Before Jaehyun could protest or even finish his sentence, Juyeon was already heading to the clinic. Jacob placed his palms on Jaehyun's shoulders to keep him in his spot and finally let go when Juyeon was already inside. "He’ll' be fine... Right?" he asked out loud and Jacob couldn't help but laugh.
"You heard him. He's a big boy" he replied, still amused and pointed at the cafe Juyeon saw a few seconds ago. "Come, let's wait for him there. Close enough to react if needed and still far enough to give him some space. It's a perfect waiting spot. Let's go" he hurried him, walking towards the cafe with a proud smile.
Jaehyun was finally opening up to people.
And Juyeon... Juyeon was starting his new journey.
Long and difficult but ending with a satisfying destination: Mental stability.
-*-*-*-
"Juyeon?" Jaehyun suddenly called him one afternoon when he was reading some book with his earphones on. It wasn't that unusual now, but it still surprised him whenever any of them talked to each other. He took his earphones off and looked at him with raised brows. "Do you have any plans for tomorrow?"
Juyeon blinked a few times, trying to comprehend that question. Apart from classes and his weekly therapy session, he had no plans. The dance club and his horse-riding club were still closed and it didn't seem like it would change anytime soon. "It's Saturday tomorrow, I have nothing to do. Why do you ask?"
"Well..." Jaehyun paused for a second, thinking how to address the issue, which scared Juyeon a bit. "You know, we play that game with a group of friends every day. Tomorrow we have an important match with another team... And Younghoon texted us in the morning that he won't make it because of some bullshit. Can you step in?"
"But... I have no idea how to play it" Juyeon admitted, looking at Jaehyun with an apologetic smile. He had never tried playing it and the game wasn't even installed on his laptop. Jaehyun sighed and nodded, accepting his defeat. It looked like Juyeon was his last hope. "Wait... I owe you a lot. I can... try, I think."
"Really?" Jaehyun looked at him with surprise mixed with new hope. "We can give it a try, I can teach you everything today. There's no pressure, you just need to log in and try not to get killed too soon, so... I think it's doable" he continued with excitement clearly heard in his voice. "Give me your laptop, I'll make my magic."
*
One hour, some magic and the whole installing process later, Juyeon was ready for a tutorial. Jaehyun was a pro - judging by the ease with which he taught him everything, he must have played it for years on end. Juyeon didn't seem to understand a thing, but his tutor was more than patient.
It seemed like he was desperate.
Maybe this match was really that important?
Juyeon didn't know. But he knew one thing - learning how to play this game might end up being more meaningful than any of them initially thought. His therapist wanted him to find a new way of spending his past time, so starting something and being able to meet new people because of it... felt good.
That's why he poured his heart into it, noting down useful combinations or tips from Jaehyun. It took them hours to go over basics but Juyeon was finally getting a hang of it. He wasn't that clueless anymore and he was able to finish one of the quests when Jaehyun was in the bathroom, so both of them were happy with the progress.
"I wish Younghoon told us sooner, you would be able to gain some exp" Jaehyun sighed, looking at the screen and monitoring Juyeon's game. He was pretty good at it, but he didn't have much experience, weapons or skills yet. Staying alive tomorrow would be a challenge for him but having him was better than not starting the match.
"It's okay. I'll try to work on it" Juyeon promised and made himself a quick snack between matches. He now looked like a real gamer. With eyes glued to the screen, fingers moving quickly on the keyboard and determined look on his face. "I'm not the type of person to fall asleep early, so... I have some time."
"Look at you, I think I created a monster" Jaehyun said with a quiet giggle and Juyeon smiled at him.
The new aura was filling this room and he slowly started to like it.
He started to like Jaehyun.
-*-
Hyun(g)jae: guys guys guys, meet our new player
LJY: hello?
Neoguri: !! welcome to hell
Neoguri: Cob doesn't count
Cobbie: .......
Genius: shut up, he'll be confused
Genius: wait a sec
Genius: LEE JUYEON??
LJY: ???
Genius: that's me!! Eric!!
Hyun(g)jae: you guys know e o?
Genius: yeah
Genius: from the dance club
LJY: yup
LJY: i'm a newbie to this
LJY: but i'll do my best
Neoguri: that's the spirit
Neoguri: now let's check how well you play
Juyeon and Jaehyun agreed that Juyeon should meet the squad before the actual game and try to understand how to play with other people. They asked all the players to come a bit earlier and everyone gladly agreed. Juyeon and Jaehyun exchanged looks before the game started and it made Juyeon even more determined.
It seemed that he spent half of the night on playing because he got much much better and there was plenty of exp displayed above his head, the number too high for a person who started playing this game over the night. Jaehyun was more than content with his progress. Thanks to that they won the mock game with ease.
Cob: are you sure you are a newbie?
Genius: damn, that was good
LJY: i'm just getting started
Neoguri: ........
Neoguri: i start to like him
Another game went well and they all agreed that they were ready for the match. The price was high - losers had to buy winners some equipment or skins or whatever they wanted, so no one wanted to lose. Juyeon was now even more determined than before and it made him work even harder to contribute to victory.
The match wasn't as easy as the mock ones because all the players from the second team were pretty skillful. Jaehyun was keeping an eye on Juyeon, making sure no one surprises him with a sudden attack and the two of them found a perfect pace for the teamwork, taking down two of their enemies themselves.
They were on their way to kill another one when Eric's character appeared all of a sudden and did it himself. None of them expected it to be an ambush from the remaining opponents, so when both of them were yeeted out of the game, even Jaehyun was surprised, but thankfully the other Cobbie and Neoguri managed to finish the game with a success.
Neoguri: how tf did y'all die
Hyun(g)jae: don't ask
Genius: that was too stupid to be real
Cob: at least we won guys
Genius: yes babe!!
Genius: jae, buy our newbie some beer!!
Cob: and bring him to our cave next week
LJY: cave??
Neoguri: you'll see
Neoguri: i told u
Neoguri: it's hell
-*-
The 'cave' turned out to be Jacob's basement where they used to hang out every week but due to the pandemic they only went there to celebrate birthdays or anniversaries. And since it was December, all of them gathered there for Eric's birthday party. And thanks to his contribution, Juyeon was invited too.
He managed to play a few more games with them before the party and became their regular 5th player, improving every day and getting closer to Eric, whom he started texting once again to talk about new choreographies both of them wanted to learn and game stuff, since he wanted to get more tips to play even better.
All of them seemed like a bunch of crazy but nice guys, so when Jacob brought up the party once again a few days later - Juyeon decided to show up.
He didn't know what to expect but a vintage-arcade-like-looking basement wasn't the first thing that came to his mind. The place looked amazing and had such a positive energy that Juyeon felt at home almost instantly. He was welcomed by Jacob himself and a skinny boy glued to his side. He turned out to be his boyfriend, Kevin.
Eric was already going through the snack on the table and no one tried to stop him since he was a birthday boy. Someone was looking at him from the couches with a whipped expression on his face and Juyeon quickly did the math and realized it must have been the boy with the Neoguri nickname. "Sunwoo" Jaehyun whispered in his ear.
"What about our lovey dovey couple?" Eric asked, munching on a cinnamon roll that looked homemade and smelled amazingly. Jacob shrugged, apparently not knowing the answer and Jaehyun did the same. "Welp, someone is about to drop out of the pack, I guess" he added, seemingly not so bothered by it.
"We're here!" Younghoon announced from the top of the staircase, thankfully too far away to hear Eric's last words. Him and Chanhee appeared downstairs not soon after and both of them looked surprised to see Juyeon there. "Are you now Jaehyun's 1?" he asked, tilting his head.
"No. He's now a part of the squad" Eric said with a smile and pointed at the sofas with his head. "Get seated, guys. I heard Kev baked the birthday cake himself, so let's give him some space so that he can bring it in" he added, sending Juyeon a big smile and patting the spot next to him to make him sit there.
Sunwoo scoffed and slapped his thigh teasingly. "There's no need to rush. This greedy bitch might wait."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Juyeon closed his laptop after his last final. His score was above 80%, so he was quite content with it. Considering the fact that his mental health hit the bottom only a few months ago, he did pretty well. He passed all his finals and felt much better with every single week, so it was his personal win.
The therapy turned out to be a success. Jacob's senior was very skilled and helped him a lot. With his help Juyeon was slowly learning how to accept sudden changes and how to control his breathing whenever something could cause him anxiety. He also gave him meds that would help him if something was too challenging for him.
His state wasn't perfect and he was still likely to get a panic attack.
But the attacks were definitely less frequent and he created his own routine.
Whenever he was feeling anxious, he would tell Jaehyun about it and ask him to open the window for him. Jaehyun would open the window and prepare the meds (just in case) and a little clock that was counting seconds loudly. Following the clock and working on his breathing was Juyeon's new way of calming down.
And it worked.
His therapist said that there were two possible reasons for that. First one - Juyeon's brain felt like it was winning control back because he came up with all the steps. And second one - Juyeon was able to calm down even without meds, because there was someone beside him, someone who was willing to help.
Jaehyun.
Juyeon was impressed with the progress of their relationship - they started as complete strangers who hated each other and ended up being pretty good friends. Juyeon's severe attack served as a new start of their relationship. And that gaming match was a milestone that gave them something in common.
Because playing that game with Jaehyun and his friends became Juyeon's hobby.
Thanks to that they had plenty of excuses to talk to each other. At first they would talk about the game or Juyeon's treatment but with time they were talking more and more often. The more comfortable they felt around each other, the more time they spent on conversations. And at some point it didn't matter if they were important or not.
They simply started enjoying each other's presence.
And without even noticing - they got very close.
"Jaehyun, let's grab some soju" Juyeon suggested when Jaehyun was done with his exam as well. He clearly didn't ace it, but his score was good enough to pass it, so he closed the website with a victorious smile and nodded. "Great, let me get dressed and I'll get some from the conven-"
"I have it prepared" Jaehyun cut in, reaching to one of the boxes on his shelf and placing it on his desk. The box was filled with every possible type of alcohol and Juyeon was impressed that it survived the entire year of online classes. Jaehyun laughed at him and took four bottles out. "That's what you call pragmatism."
"I would call it alcoholism but let's pretend you are right" Juyeon said, not even trying to fight back the laughter. The atmosphere was great, he was feeling great and he just knew that after a few rounds of soju, he would feel even better. He got up to take shot glasses out of the drawer and placed them next to soju bottles. "Let's get it."
-*-
Bottles of soju were disappearing so fast that Juyeon was tipsy after the second one. He was a good drinker, but Jaehyun's pace was definitely... Something challenging. With every shot, Juyeon was slightly closer to Jaehyun and after a particularly strong one - his head was lying on Jaehyun's lap.
The room was almost dark, the screen of Jaehyun's laptop being the only source of light. They wanted a movie marathon but neither of them was sober enough to actually pay attention to the plot. It was a perfect background noise for their drinking and casual conversation they had.
"I must say..." Jaehyun suddenly said, sounding so serious that he startled Juyeon. He placed his glass on the table and looked up at him, confused and curious. They were joking over Sunwoo's bad flirting only a minute ago and now Jaehyun seemed tense. "I must say I'm an idiot" he said, caressing Juyeon's hair with his fingers.
"Why do you say so?" Juyeon asked, blinking a few times and trying to sober up just a bit. He was too tipsy to understand what Jaehyun was trying to say and the seriousness in his voice started to worry him. He sat up, focusing his eyes on Jaehyun's face and trying to read anything from it. "You are not an idio-"
"Hush" Jaehyun said, placing a finger on his lips and surprising him even more. He was as tipsy as Juyeon was, but he was doing a bit better at organizing his thoughts. The new level of intimacy didn't scare Juyeon away and Jaehyun considered it as a good sign. "You see... We could be like this much sooner if it wasn't fo-"
It was Juyeon's turn to interrupt him. He leaned closer, making Jaehyun take his finger away in surprise. The timing was perfect, because as soon as the finger was gone, Juyeon's lips touched his in a soft, gentle kiss that neither of them saw coming. It was too late to think it through now, so both of them gave in and let their hearts speak.
They both tasted like soju and onion coated peanuts they ate during the second movie but they didn't mind it. The kiss was slow and gentle as there was no need to rush. They were taking their time with it, just like they took their time in building their relationship over the past months.
"Better late or never" Juyeon said with a dumb smile when he finally broke the kiss and Jaehyun reciprocated his smile, shaking his head in amusement.
Juyeon was right.
And more importantly...
Juyeon was his.