Chapter Text
Something was different. You were bordering on six months of the two of you being together in… whatever this little relationship actually was.
One thought had been swimming around in your head for while, anxiety that wound its way around your chest and crushed you whenever you were alone. You had tried forget, tried to relax. You hated yourself every time it came into your head, couldn’t you just be… calm? For once in your life couldn’t something good just happen without you overthinking it?
“Hey can I ask you something?” you whispered into the darkness, chest immediately tightening from the very fact you were speaking this out loud. It couldn’t be ignored any longer, you’d go insane. You got a sleepy affirmative sound from him in response.
You took a deep breath, tried to take a second to think about what to say. You’d thought it over so much for weeks that the words all just blurred into one by this point. The deep beat of your heart felt like it was hammering against your chest.
“Are you getting bored of me?” despite the fact you said then with a slight laugh you instantly regretted the words as they fell out of your stupid mouth. Your pulse was thick and fast, aching in the veins of your neck and temples.
He sat up looking at you, “What?”
You shrugged, “I don’t know, something feels different. Like… not as…ummm wild.”
The words made you want to be sick; you curled your knees up to your chest shuffling so you sat up against the pillows with the duvet tucked under your chin. Suddenly with a thump of his hand he turned on the lamp at your bedside. His eyebrows were furrowed and if you didn’t know any better he looked angry.
That regret came back ten-fold when he sighed with low-set eyes, “I didn’t realise I was disappointing you or whatever”
“I never said that! I just wanted to talk about this… about us. You told me to tell you if I doubt anytime. Something felt different lately and I just wanted to discuss it or whatever. You know this isn’t easy for me, sorry I’m not good at this. I could have worded that better”
His shoulders tensed and he stood up out of bed, scrambling for his clothes. He wasn’t speaking and the silence felt devastating, you could have worded it better but he didn’t want to word it at all.
You sat up more, protesting as he searched for his clothes, “Don’t go, I just want to talk”
His tone was agitated and you instantly knew you’d done the wrong thing, “Is that what we are now? Are we the ‘where are we’ people?”
You had no idea what he was saying but panic was building as he tugged his shirt on.
“Sex seems like it feels different to you, that’s all. That’s not a bad thing I just… we’ve never talked about this” you stumbled over your words, desperate to keep him from leaving as he buttoned his jeans.
He stammered a little, hands flailing in front of him but he made no actually words. Pulling the covers up over your chest, suddenly self concious, you shuffled uncomfortably.
“Forget I said anything” you whispered.
He took a deep breath, “Sex is.. was… whatever… sex is what keeps me from drinking – you know that. It’s a good distraction, so I fucked women I met in bars or at work or…”
“…From across the hall” you cut in.
He looked up at you, “No. No that’s not what I meant”
“It’s ok Adam” you laughed incredulously, “I get it. It’s ok”
“No, we’re different. We’re…. us”
You rolled your eyes, trying to look away from him to fight the tears that were welling, “What does that even mean?”
“Uughhh! I don’t fucking know!”
He paced back and forth at the end of the bed, hands running roughly through his hair. One tear dripped down your cheek and you brushed it away instantly, looking up at the ceiling and blinking frantically.
“I don’t know what we are” he said, sitting down on the end of the bed with a thud, “Are we just fucking, are you my…girlfriend? I don’t fucking know kid”
A deep pit sat in your chest and the words came out before you even thought them through, “Maybe we’re nothing”
“What?”
“Maybe we’re nothing Adam. Maybe that’s why you’re struggling so badly to figure this shit out, maybe it’s cause we’re nothing?”
It was like he stopped breathing, still sitting on the end of the bed but not looking at you, as everything went still, “Yeah maybe we are”
Neither of you said anything as he statement sank in. You opened your mouth to speak but he stood, still not looking at you. He fidgeted in place for a second or two before making his way towards the door. He opened it but paused, you hoped he was thinking of staying. You were wrong.
His next words made you feel sick to your stomach, “I thought you were happy but maybe you’re right, nothing is ever easy with you”
Without another word he left, you could speak as silent tears rolled down your flushed cheeks. Silent tears quickly morphed into choked back sobs. Your chest tightened as you held him grunt his way into his shoes, pick up his bag that you knew he’d left by the door and then the sound of the door slamming was the final word.
Just like that he was gone.