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Youngmin felt a comforting warmth encompassing him. It was rare, the drowsiness clouding his mind as his dreams slipped away into the break of day, Youngmin being used to being ripped out of his sleep harshly by his alarm clock just before dawn.
He also felt something soft tickling his neck. Scrunching his nose in confusion, he shifted slightly. Had his blanket always been this soft? As the odd sensation didn"t stop, he grunted, displeased. Blinking awake with difficulty, he came to realize that it was, in fact, not his blanket tickling him. The former also wasn"t the reason he was feeling warm for once in the morning.
Yejun"s back was pressed up against his chest snugly, the steady rise and fall of his breathing matching his own.
A sigh escaped his lungs, shaky, and suddenly Youngmin felt out of breath. He sat up, mindful of not waking the younger and raked his fingers through his hair in frustration.
He had kissed him. He had given all of his feelings away just like that and now he had to deal with the aftermath. A glance to the side told him that Yejun was still sleeping peacefully, face relaxed and content. With a sigh, he tucked a strand of hair that had fallen out of place behind his ear.
His voice was barely audible when he whispered his next words.
"If only I could tell you how much you mean to me..."
He needed to think, get his head free. He had no idea how to handle the situation after last night, so getting out of the dorm entirely for a few hours sounded like a good idea. He carefully crawled out of bed, grabbed his clothes and left the room.
Yejun woke up alone that day.
And just like that, Youngmin had started avoiding the younger.
Yejun was conflicted. If he had figured one thing out over the past few days, then it was that Youngmin very obviously didn"t want to see him - he would go out of his way to make sure they didn’t cross paths and if they did, he found excuses that allowed him to run away again. And that hurt, yes, but worse than that, it was starting to affect the rest of the group. He saw the look Rano sent their way during lunch; it was no secret to the others that the air between the two of them had become awkward, cold and so glaringly different overnight. They hadn’t stepped in yet, but it was a matter of time.
He was going to fix this. He had to.
Steeling himself inwardly, he hesitantly knocked on the door to Youngmin and Rano’s shared room. Upon receiving no reply, Yejun huffed. Should he try knocking again? They never knocked before entering, they treated each other like family, after all.
But somehow, Yejun felt like he should knock, after what had happened between them. After he purposefully pushed you away and avoided you , the hurt voice in his head whispered.
Gritting his teeth, Yejun composed himself. He would work this out, right now. He would give it one try, and if it went wrong he could still give into all of the doubts and regrets telling him he should"ve never seeked comfort in the older, shouldn"t have let himself be vulnerable, shouldn"t have woken him up that night- He pushed all of those thoughts away, cautiously opening the door.
Youngmin was sitting on the ground in front of his bed, knees to his chest and eyes closed, earphones in both ears.
"Hyung?"
He hated how his voice was shaking already.
No reaction. Okay, that was still fine, he told himself, he had earphones in. He probably didn"t hear.
Walking closer, Yejun moved to sit down to Youngmin"s left, his every move ruled by caution. What if Youngmin were to push him away completely? What if it was him, Yejun, who ended up ruining their entire success just because of a few sleepless hours? What if-
Their arms brushed, just as Yejun was settling down against the bed.
The twitch in Youngmin"s carefully neutral features was the only reaction he got, yet it gave away enough for Yejun to let out the breath he had been holding, if only at a torturously slow pace. He didn’t push him away yet. He also wasn’t running from him. One step at a time. Yejun repeated those words in his mind for the nth time that day.
Nevertheless, he felt so incredibly helpless sitting right next to the older who seemed to be refusing to acknowledge his presence. Yejun leaned over, reaching forward with one hand to pull out the earphone on Youngmin"s right side, yet, while trying not to lean into his personal space too much, the youngest lost his balance. The panic washing over him was overruled by that painfully familiar scent of Youngmin, by the burning sensation where their knees were now pressed together, where their shoulders touched, where Youngmin had steadied him with a hand around his wrist to keep them both from falling over.
Dark eyes finally met his own, after days of avoidance, and it froze Yejun to the core.
Youngmin moved first, his free hand gently prying the earphone out of his fingers. He pushed it into Yejun"s ear, then he lowered both of their hands into his lap. His touch was featherlight, almost insecure in the way his fingers were resting over his pulse, yet he didn’t let go. Then his eyes closed once again and he let his head fall back against the mattress with a sigh.
Yejun thought he was conflicted before, but his current predicament proved to be even more conflicting. Youngmin"s actions were just so... confusing? contradictory? How could he avoid him, ignore him and keep him at a distance for days, yet, now that he was here, he didn"t pull away from his touch, willingly shared his earphones and let him stay?
Yejun didn’t know what to do - here he was, their hands joined in his lap as he was sitting next to his hyung, his hyung who had kissed him and held him until sleep had claimed him, only to disappear right after.
They sat in silence, the soft tunes playing from Youngmin’s earphones not adding up with the anxious knot twisting in Yejun’s stomach. The song changed and Youngmin’s fingers began tapping his wrist to the beat.
“Hyung, why did you avoid me?”
The tapping stopped.
The older turned his head to look at Yejun. He averted his eyes again after merely a second, his free hand pushing his hair back.
“It’s-” he licked his lips, clenched his jaw, messed up his hair with one hand only to straighten it out again immediately, then he tried again.
“I- I just. I don’t know how to do this,” Youngmin confessed, praying that the quiver in his voice wasn’t too evident. The words made Yejun’s stomach drop.
Youngmin took a deep breath to calm himself.
“Can I show you something?”
Yejun observed him for a few more seconds. There was something cautious in his gaze, something guarded. It sent an uneasy shudder down Youngmin’s spine.
This is all so wrong , he thought.
Upon seeing Yejun nod haltingly, the older shakily took the hand in his lap to gently place it on his chest, right over his heart.
Yejun could feel their heartbeats matching, Youngmin’s pulse racing just as much as his own. His eyes flicked up to meet Youngmin’s again, questions burning icy on the tip of his tongue - he swallowed them all down, wanting to give the older a chance to explain, to make him understand.
Youngmin leaned in, swallowing heavily.
“Can I?”
He was close enough that Yejun could feel his breath ghosting over his lips, and that was all it took for him to close his eyes and let it happen.
Their lips meeting threw Yejun into an odd sense of déjà vu, yet it felt so different. It felt exposed, raw, out in the open, now that the darkness of the night wasn’t there to hide the underlying emotion anymore. It was overwhelming, yet it felt so good that Yejun never wanted it to stop. Youngmin was going slow, waiting for a reaction, or an answer, and Yejun could only tilt his head a little further, press a little closer, kiss a little deeper.
Youngmin’s hand fell to his waist, their chests pulled flush, and Yejun could sense the change happening. The way he kissed him was different, now. It was less soft, more desperate, with an underlying urgency; as if he needed Yejun to understand, to feel what he felt.
Yejun wasn’t thinking straight, but the emotions Youngmin’s lips were mapping out on his own spread through his body like a wildfire, calming the frigid waves that had been swallowing him up for days, until he was finally breathing again.
When Youngmin’s tongue slid over his lower lip fleetingly, he involuntarily gasped - gasped for air, for more, he didn’t know. The older used the opportunity to deepen the kiss, tongue experimentally sliding along the roof of his mouth. The sensation was so dizzying that all he could do was fist Youngmin’s shirt under his palms so as not to lose himself in burning touches and soft lips.
His heart was beating out of his chest when he gently pushed Youngmin away. They were both breathing heavily, the air between them tense with want and unspoken words.
“I- I’m sorry hyung. I can’t do this.”
He could see the pain in Youngmin’s eyes, could see him crack, retreat like a dying flame and avert his gaze. Yejun could still feel his own breaths coming out ragged, shallow, still too fast and the waves were back, towering over him, ready to pull him under.
“I’m sorry, I- I-” his breathing quickened. “You kissed me,” he managed to get out, “you kissed me that night and I know I let you and I- I liked it,” a gasp for air, hand curling over his aching heart reflexively “I liked it way too much because I like you way too much and-”
Through the static clouding his mind, he saw Youngmin reach out, then retract his hand again, eyes blown wide in concern.
“Yej-”
His throat hurt, but he continued,“And I’m sorry, I know I ruined it all, but I can’t-” Yejun could feel the first tear fall, sight blurring. “I can’t do this without knowing where I stand with you, I can’t- I’m so sorry hyung-” a sob wrenched from his lungs, followed by another gasp for oxygen.
Yejun was feeling lightheaded, panic washing over his body in waves as he vaguely registered his chest clenching painfully.
“Yejun! You have to breathe! Shit, Yejun, can you hear me? Just look at me please!”
The panic in Youngmin’s voice was what made Yejun actually register the words spoken to him, his eyes locking with Youngmin’s out of reflex.
“Good, you’re doing good.” His voice was calmer now, lower, pushing the static back bit by bit. “Can you breathe with me?”
Youngmin was trying to help him. Youngmin could help him, he was there with him, he wasn’t going to die, he would help. The thoughts were racing through Yejun’s head too fast for him to perceive any of them.
He nodded shakily, trying to focus on his breaths.
Youngmin exaggeratedly breathed in, then breathed out, eyes focused on Yejun throughout it all.
“Yes, that’s good, again. In 1, 2, 3, out 1, 2, 3.”
They continued like that for a while, the ache in Yejun’s chest subsiding with each repetition.
“Yes, you’re doing so great, keep going.”
When his breathing was back to normal, he could feel the exhaustion crawling up on him, and for some reason, he felt like crying again. Crying from relief or from fatigue - he couldn’t tell.
Gulping down his tears, he focused on Youngmin again. He was watching him from where he was sitting in front of him, looking paler than usual, his hands shaking in his lap.
“Hyung, you- you are shaking,” he reached out, hand hovering over Youngmin’s in a silent request for permission.
“I’m- It’s alright,” Youngmin sounded unsteady, but he carefully took Yejun’s hand in his nevertheless. “Do you want to talk about this?”
Yejun shook his head. Then he nodded.
“I- not about what happened just now. Not… not yet.”
Youngmin nodded. He would respect that. He did, however, have to clarify a few things.
“I just- I’m so sorry Yejun, i had no idea that I made you think I only wanted- that I didn’t want-” he interrupted himself to take a steadying breath. “I like you. So, so much,” Yejun"s heart leaped in his chest. Youngmin squeezed his hand reassuringly “I never meant to bring you so much anguish. I thought you knew, thought you figured me out after that night, but you acted so normal and I just- I didn"t know what to do with that, it made me think that it meant nothing to you..." He sighed. "I"m sorry. You mean so much to me," he took another shaky breath.
Yejun was tearing up again, too tired to fight it this time, hand gripping Youngmin"s tightly.
"Hyung-"
Yejun didn"t really know what he had wanted to say, so instead, he pulled Youngmin towards him with a tug on their joined hands, before throwing his arms around him. He was crying again, but at that moment, Yejun couldn"t care less. Youngmin liked him. Youngmin liked him and he was right there with him, wrapping his arms around his middle and pulling him into his lap.
"Hey, no more crying, it"s okay now. I"m here."
If Yejun cried even harder at that, Youngmin didn"t have to know. (He noticed, anyway, and made sure to hold him even closer.)
"We"re both so stupid," Yejun sobbed into his neck.
"I know," Youngmin said, "But we"re okay now, right?" He moved back to get a better look at Yejun"s face. "Because I would love to take you on a date on our next day off and… Well, if you"d like to, make you my boyfriend?" He added with a nervous smile. Yejun"s stomach erupted in butterflies.
"If you don"t make me your boyfriend right now I"m going to have to decline that date." Youngmin was relieved to see a small smile taking over Yejun"s face.
"Deal. You"re mine now." Yejun liked the sound of that; more than he"d ever admit.
This time, when Youngmin leaned down to kiss him, the younger slipped one hand into his hair, pulled him closer and poured all of his emotions into it. Youngmin made a soft noise at the back of his throat when Yejun gripped his hair harder, and he could feel something shift in the older. Both of his hands were gripping Yejun"s waist firmly, making his breath hitch when he felt teeth graze at his bottom lip. A sharp intake of breath, and this time, it was Youngmin pulling back first.
"Sorry. I- I just want to take it slow."
His thumbs were drawing circles into Yejun"s hips when he added "If you"re okay with that. I"d rather not overwhelm you again. Just. To be safe." He gulped heavily at the memory of the younger"s panicked breaths earlier.
Yejun leaned his forehead against Youngmin"s. Their lips brushed when he replied, "Yes, alright. Let"s do that. Take it slow." He placed a lingering kiss on Youngmin’s lips, before burying his face in the older"s chest again.
Youngmin spent the next minutes running his fingers through Yejun"s hair, occasionally pressing a fleeting kiss to his temple. Just when Yejun was about to doze off, there was a knock on the door. When Rano stuck his head inside, his gaze immediately landed on the dishevelled boys sitting on the floor. He let out a fond sigh.
"You worked it out?" he guessed. When they both nodded, his smile turned mischievous. "So... who confessed first?"
If Youngmin threw a pillow at him, he would deny it later on. Rano blocked it, either way, and even threw it back.
"Dinner"s ready, by the way, you should join us." In was leaning into the doorframe, too, smiling brightly. "I"m so proud of you for figuring this out all on your own," he dramatically added, before turning to leave.
Youngmin did have to admit that dinner sounded tempting. Letting go of Yejun, however, did not.
Yejun had to gently pry his hands away, and after being persuaded by a kiss or two, Youngmin resigned to his fate and let him go. After all, they had all the time in the world, now. There was no pressure, no rush anymore.
Any moment spent with Yejun would always feel timeless.