Chapter Text
A vibrating call woke him up.
Xiao Zhan ignored it at first, then it rang again.
It kept ringing...
Groaning, he lifted his head up to check and just when he gathered the strength to lift himself up from the bed, it stopped. He read the name, but there was none. Just digits.
Yibo was not here, he was already outside. Xiao Zhan felt a gnawing knot in his stomach when he realized he left their room without even waking him up. Could it be because he was sleeping so deeply that Yibo didn't bother to wake him up?
It was impossible, Yibo almost woke him up.
Seeing that the sun was peeking through the curtains, he made no effort to get up and enjoy the sun, instead he pulled the covers and went back to bed.
Yibo did mention to him yesterday that there would be a gathering and Xiao Zhan was expected by Yibo’s relatives and family friends. This event was only announced at short notice.
This was the thing that stood out and he remembered it well.
Xiao Zhan knew when he broke into this kind of industry, he reached the point of no return and knew he would probably never go back to Chongqing. His parents never liked it. Didn’t seem to even like him even from the beginning.
As far as his memory went, they never truly put in the effort to get to know him well. They were either too busy, too tired or too drunk to even care. His father could not hold down a job, his mother had been working two jobs to pay for his schooling fees while also paying off debt so as not to go homeless. Then at home, he would get yelled at and sometimes punished for not cleaning up the mess in his room or most of the time, for every little trivial thing that ground their gears. It was mainly his fault, he knew, but he had always been yearning for that tiny attention or affection from his parents which they completely denied him. He never really felt seen or heard.
One time, he overheard his aunt talking to his mother while he was in his room, indulging in a storybook he borrowed from their school library. At first, it started the usual way— light and casual then it magnified into an unwanted conversation, and he heard was an unwanted child. His aunt lived a better life than his parents did, and she dropped by for a visit. Xiao Zhan did not know if it was a friendly one or she was there to torment them further— he had no way of knowing.
Xiao Zhan stood up and treaded carefully toward the door and opened it to hear more. He wasn’t sure, but they seemed to be speaking in hushed tones now and probably heard a flurry of footsteps coming from upstairs.
As he listened intently, he heard far more than he intended. He learned that his mother suffered a miscarriage in the past and when she found out she was pregnant with Xiao Zhan she was hell-bent on aborting him, but it was his aunt who talked her out of it. Breathing hard, he felt a momentary panic as his brain zapped and needed to get away. Quickly.
He moved away from the door as he weakly closed it, head bent, carrying upon his stooped shoulders the weight of those words.
All his life, he felt like he had been fighting for a place in his parents’ lives only for him to find out that his parents did not want him in the place and forever it would burn into his memory as the saddest one— that one memory he wished to burn but couldn't.
He felt a piercing pain tear through his chest while his weak legs managed to climb his bed. He grabbed his pillow and cried into it, the pain bursting through his chest.
He wanted to run away somewhere so he could cry his heart out, not worrying about his mother and aunt knocking on his door.
The pillow was soaked from his tears, he would cry until there were no tears left. And maybe all the pain would all fade into a dull throb.
One day… he would pretend that everything was fine.
So, when he finally landed a better job, he offered to pay off their debt. His parents were wary at first, but they let him do what he wanted.
But life wasn’t at all that easy, Xiao Zhan wanted more. More. So, he could offer more. He was not supposed to be this greedy but found he was tied to this vice, and he couldn’t just stop and quit. It was too early.
Then, he was already auditioning for porn.
His parents disowned him quickly as soon as they learned of the nature of his work and didn’t want any contact with him. He was the one who tried to talk to them months later, and tried to repair the relationship, but it seemed impossible. Very impossible.
His parents were already rattled about their own problems and issues and Xiao Zhan being an adult star added to the burden that his parents were facing.
So that was it… before being an AV idol, he worked jobs in the past, living from paycheck to paycheck, trying to go through a sticky patch in his personal life.
He closed his eyes, and thought of this as his arms drifted up to protectively lock around himself. He was seated next to an older lady— one of Yibo's aunties. She seemed quiet at first but the firmness of her gaze and how she carried herself suggested regal certainty. Xiao Zhan exchanged no more than a few words with her in an attempt to melt the strict atmosphere between them. He didn’t talk much, for the most part, he was quiet as he observed his surroundings.
It's unbelievable, yet time always found a way to sneak up on them like this. Why was he suddenly thinking about his parents?
They were here. The living room was filled with lively voices and there were merry cackles. Xiao Zhan had not experienced this in a long time, and he felt more than happy. Yibo was not beside him. He was seated next to the oldest aunt. The bright stars in her eyes showed how delighted she was to see him again and it did not look like she was going to let him go so soon. Xiao Zhan observed from afar silently.
When suddenly, his brows furrowed as his mouth turned grim, remembering the call he heard from Yibo’s phone. He never had the chance to talk privately with him today.
“Having trouble?”
The voice came from the older woman sitting next to him. She had been silently drinking tea while observing people invited to the small gathering inside the house.
Xiao Zhan turned toward her and made a slight gesture with his right hand, appeasing her but he felt hostage by her perceptive eyes. “It’s nothing. I’m just thinking about stuff.”
“Overthinking wastes time, don’t you think?” She intoned and a cryptic smile arose on her face. The quick glint in her eyes suggested she knew there was something that troubled him. “You’re only silently beating yourself up.” He nodded gloomily, not trusting himself to speak.
The sound of tiles clacking was heard from another table and filled the silence between them. Xiao Zhan knew Yibo’s dad had been wanting to play mahjong since this morning. He did not bother to turn and check as his attention was directed toward Yibo’s aunt who was silently observing him like a hawk.
“Has Yibo been giving you trouble lately?” She asked as she angled toward Yibo’s direction.
Xiao Zhan shook his head disapprovingly and smiled. “It’s nothing like that,” he said and paused shortly. “I just need to talk to him, that's all. There are a few things we need to discuss.”
“Yibo isn’t particularly the type who brings his partner for his family and relatives to meet.”
Xiao Zhan smiled and inclined his head. “Sounds nice,” he said shyly, there were no coherent thoughts forming in his head. And he just remembered he had forgotten to eat. He volunteered to cook and then lost his appetite thereafter. It was a pretty busy day, and he was happy he was able to help out.
“I’m sorry I probably bored you out of your skull for talking too much when I should have been readying myself to leave in thirty minutes or so.”
Xiao Zhan stood as he smiled at her and offered. “Is there anything I can help you with? Food or drinks you want me to bring here?”
“Oh, don’t trouble yourself dear, I’m fine. I’ll go get something later,” she said quietly. “Go talk to Yibo," she added, "He’s finally free.” Her head turned toward Yibo’s direction.
"Thanks."
With a gallant toss of her head, she said, “It was nice talking to you, dear.”
Yibo’s eyes were now on Xiao Zhan, waiting, searching, yearning.
Xiao Zhan smiled at her before his face was clouded with uneasiness as he turned to face Yibo.
There was something concerning about the way Xiao Zhan stared back at Yibo and he knew his partner was quick to catch on.
“Did I do something?”
Xiao Zhan shook his head as he pulled Yibo outside the living room and toward the outside where the chilly air flicked against his skin, and he was glad he chose a sweater. It was starting to get dark out.
“Yibo, what was that call?” It was direct and he did not mean to be impatient.
Yibo’s brows were knitted together, confused. “What call?”
“You didn’t know?” Xiao Zhan asked, slightly surprised.
Yibo inclined his head in deep thought and then tipped his face to him. “Oh, the unknown number?” He asked in a quiet tone as if remembering it now. “It slipped my mind quickly,” he said and did not offer more.
Xiao Zhan sighed. “So, it was nothing to you?” His stomach dropped. He felt there was something Yibo was hiding from him.
Yibo shrugged matter-of-factly then took an abrupt step toward him as he reached out for him, but Xiao Zhan brushed his hand away.
“Yibo, I know you have been hard working and won’t be the type who takes a project lightly, but I would appreciate it if you could tell me about it beforehand though. I am as much involved in your life as you are with me now.” He said with fear rising in his chest. One day he knew Yibo would go back to filming adult films and a feeling of embarrassment washed through him as a sudden realization hit him like a brick. Being an AV idol was just a job but what if… what if?
Too many things to think about.
This had been their work before they met, and they had never discussed this deeply. Or too afraid to venture into this territory. None of them looked ready for this.
"If I were to be honest, I did not pay much attention to it," he said calmly.
The pain cleaved through Xiao Zhan's chest, and he had no other explanation for the unwanted feelings that surged through him. And the longer he was around Yibo, the harder it was for him to calm down. He had been wasting his precious energy on something beyond his control.
The only way he knew he could work off his unwanted feelings was to let go and run away.
"You know what, never mind," he said and turned away and rushed toward the gate.
“Where are you going?!” Yibo grated, panic lancing through his words.
“I’m going for a walk, you don't need me anyway,” Xiao Zhan replied sharply, not turning over his shoulder. He knew the minute he would look at Yibo, he would fall apart completely. He knew he would.
“What—Baobao, please. It’s getting dark!” Yibo warned as he rushed to catch up to him, then he attempted to speak in a more mellow tone. “Please... we can talk inside our room.”
“Leave me alone!” Xiao Zhan barked, not letting himself be fooled with the way his soft tone was affecting.
Yibo let out a sharp sigh as he followed him. “You don’t understand, people are going to worry and it’s not safe out there for you. You know that people have been speculating about you and I.”
Xiao Zhan was about to open the gate, fighting the urge to glance over his shoulder.
"Please..."
He let out a rueful sigh and advanced outside, anchoring his attention ahead.
The trees were beginning to fuse with darkness. Xiao Zhan did not let the scary thought of not being found deter him from forging ahead.
“Baobao!” The panicked voice called after him and he quickened his steps, never looking back. He’d rather if he left him alone, it seemed too late but there was no way he was going to be in pain like this and not let him suffer the ramifications.
But the minute Yibo’s hand caught on his shoulder, he stopped. Then... a wave of emotions flooded him, and he covered his eyes with his hands and cried silently as he sank to his knees. For a moment, he was relieved no one was there to watch him. Except Yibo. He was here and he was seeing his vulnerability—and he’s the only one he trusted to get around the pain and chaos he had been feeling.
A pair of arms surrounded him and pulled him into a warm hug as he cried harder, his cheeks becoming moist. If he wanted to stay, then he must learn to fight well.
He could not come to terms with his own emotion.
“Baobao… I’m here,” Yibo breathed, very calmly. “You can always talk to me.”
“I know,” he said sadly, yet he softened and looked up at the face he adored and loved so dearly.
“If you are aggravated,” Yibo continued, “Trust me when I say I will find a way to relieve you, even if I’m the one causing it.”
Xiao Zhan breathed in through his nose, the tears had stopped. There was only comfort— the thing he had been craving from him. He let himself be held for a while, calmly accepting the mutual burden and the chaos he started in the first place.
He realized it had been jealousy and he had no way of stopping it.
When jealousy came, it came, in waves, and he could hardly breathe.