Chapter Text
“What do you mean he’s gone?” Thanatos didn’t think he had much room to be upset, but he was. He and Zagreus hadn’t spoken since the tense exchange months ago, Thanatos not even thinking about coming back until Nyx had mentioned it to him the last time they had spoken. He’d come back to the House immediately to see if it was true, though his mother had never lied to him before and was standing in front of Hypnos now.
His brother blinked at him sleepily, surprised that Death hadn’t already heard about this. Everyone in the house knew about Zagreus’ escape attempts and the growing anger at his father for the lie that he’d kept from the prince his entire life. “He left a while ago,” Hypnos said as a way of explanation. “He’s gone for a while now, makes it all the way to Elysium. It’s only a matter of time until he breaks out of here to find her.”
Thanatos was having a hard time processing this information, staring at Hypnos like he hadn’t said anything at all until it hit him. Zagreus had made it all the way to Elysium. Zagreus was leaving. He was leaving without so much as a goodbye to him. Without really thinking about it, Thanatos reached out mentally, looking for Zagreus and found him entering a new chamber. In a moment, Death was there; his bell tolling and startling the prince with his sudden presence. The two looked at each other, Thanatos taking in how worn out Zagreus looked before speaking.
“Death approaches.” Zagreus rolled his eyes and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, obviously favouring one leg. It hurt to see. “...Though you could just get away from me, did you?”
When Zagreus spoke, his voice was hard and bitter and it made Thanatos desperately miss the warmth it used to hold for him. A kind of warmth the prince had never used for anyone else. “Thanatos,” he said the name like it was an insult. “I figured it would only be a matter of time before Father sent you after me to do his dirty work.”
The insinuation that the only reason Thanatos was even here was because Lord Hades had sent him hurt more than anything else. Ignoring that emotion and focusing on the deep betrayal he felt about being the last person to know when Thanatos used to be the first person Zagreus told anything to, he shook his head slightly and spoke as if the words hadn’t bothered him at all. “Zagreus. Is that really why you think I’m here? Let’s see how many of these exalted champions we can send back to their doom,” Thanatos paused for a moment, taking another look at Zagreus’ torn and worn out body, so ungodly and human with all his injuries. “Unless you’d rather I would send you back to yours.”
Nothing else was said about it and Thanatos turned his attention back to the chamber and the fallen heroes that appeared before them. After a moment’s thought, Thanatos decided to work a bit of his anger out on the poor Shades; continually taking a moment to glance over at Zagreus to see how he was holding up, mostly making sure that the prince wasn’t dying. It seemed the prince could hold his own, though and soon the chamber was clear with Zagreus the winner by five souls. A bit impressed by the lead, Thanatos let himself remember the way Zagreus was always so eager to try and best Thanatos at their sparring matches when they were children, telling his best friend to just wait until he grew up and became stronger. It had happened now and Than couldn’t help the small smile until he remembered why he was there in the first place.
Anger came rushing back, pushing the fond memory of child Zagreus grinning and trailing after Thanatos with a fist in his robe and words coming at a thousand miles a minute and replacing it with the hurt and other negative emotions Thanatos had not let himself feel since their last two encounters. Waiting until Zagreus had caught up to him in front of the entryways to the next chambers, Thanatos let the emotions simmer before speaking in a voice that conveyed more of them than he was comfortable with.
“You left,” he said, refusing to look the prince in the eye and focusing his gaze on a fixed point over his shoulder instead. “Without so much as telling me good-bye. I suppose you knew I’d catch up with you sooner or later, is that it? No escaping death, and all?”
Unimpressed, Zagreus simply stared at Thanatos and the older man could practically feel the irritation rolling off of him in hot, suffocating waves. “I left when it was necessary, Than.” Thanatos refused to let Zagreus see how much the use of the familiar nickname affected him. “I thought of you and I hoped you’d understand. I have to do this.”
I thought of you. The words rang in Than’s ears, bounced around in his mind and made their home in his chest. Zagreus had thought of Thanatos, had hoped Than would understand why he needed to leave. It filled Death with a sick kind of hope, the kind that could get you drunk and leave you feeling worse than before. As much as he tried to squash it down, Thanatos couldn’t quite get rid of the feeling and hoped it wouldn’t haunt him later.
Abandoning the hope of somehow convincing the stubborn prince to come home and forget this foolish attempt at leaving, Thanatos sighed and spoke softly. “That’s more motivation than I’ve ever heard from you. Well, if you won’t say it, I’ll say it. Good-bye, Zagreus.”
Without waiting to hear if Zagreus returned the goodbye or not, Thanatos left. He didn’t really think about where he was going and was a little surprised when he ended up at the house, Hypnos snoring from his spot in the Great Hall and Cerberus whining a little at his sudden entrance. It was then, standing in the quiet hall that Thanatos realised the emotions he’d felt about the last two times he’d seen the prince and every emotion he’d always harboured for Zagreus were more than just friendly affection. Much more. Something more akin to the way women clung to their husbands before they left for war. The teary words exchanged between the two, the whispered promises and desperate kisses.
He had feelings for the prince and probably always had. This realisation left Death with an uncomfortable pit in his stomach, unsure of how to proceed from here. Zagreus had been thinking of him which meant that their friendship was salvageable. Hopefully. If it was, would Than be happy to just be friends now that he was at least starting to understand the true depths of his feelings? Gods, he hated emotions. They were such a mortal thing to possess, continually distracting with their demand to be felt and dealt with. Idly, Thanatos wondered why Death needed emotions to begin with as he made his way to the balcony that overlooked the Styx river, getting lost in the train of thought until he heard the muffled sound of Zagreus and Hypnos speaking on the other side of the thick marble wall. He’d lost to the Champions of Elysium and Thanatos rolled his eyes at the mention of their names, choosing to stay in his spot instead of going to greet the prince. He’d never been one to go out of his way, anyways.
Zagreus found him, though and Thanatos felt a pang of nostalgia; squashing it quickly in favour of simply gazing at the prince. “You’re here,” Zagreus said, a slightly hopeful curl of his lips giving him away so easily. It eased Death’s mind a little to know that Zagreus was still easy to read, to know that, at least, stayed the same when so many other things had changed. “I half expected you to be gone by now.”
Thanatos figured he’d deserved that and shrugged a little. “I’ve got some time,” he said, looking back out at the Styx and not saying anything more for a little while. Zagreus stayed silent as well and it reminded Death of the last conversation they’d had before the elder of the two had to leave. “Do you really think you can escape here, Zagreus? It seems like a fool’s mission.”
It was like the warmth of the conversation had been chased out, leaving Zagreus stiff shouldered and closed off. Fuck, he’d done it again. He’d said something without thinking of how it would affect the prince again and ruined the first conversation they’d had in almost longer than Thanatos had any recent memory of. Before he could apologise, though, Zagreus shook his head like he shouldn’t have been surprised at the stab and spoke in a distant voice.
“I’ll get out of here, Thanatos,” he said, already beginning to walk away from the balcony and from Death himself. “Whether you believe me a fool or not.”
Watching the prince leave, Thanatos had the brief thought that maybe, sometimes, he should think about his words before he said them.
-.-
That night, Thanatos did something unusual for him and slept in his old room. It was strange being in it, feeling like he’d stepped back in time and had become the boy who’d once occupied it. The room hadn’t changed since he left home, the room of a boy whose life revolved around the games his best friend wanted to play; a stack of books on the desk in the corner and one of Zagreus’ favourite tunics draped over the back of the chair. His bed was carefully made and Mort rested against the pillows, startling Thanatos a little because he remembered losing it, remembered crying for it and Zagreus holding his hand until he calmed down enough to fall asleep. The fact that Mort sat on the bed now, after so many years almost made the man laugh, picking it up and staring down at the little stuffed animal he used to take everywhere with him.
Like a catalyst, Thanatos fell asleep with Mort clutched tightly in his hands and dreamt for the first time in years. It wasn’t really a dream, more of a memory. From when he belonged in the House and days were spent exploring them and the Styx outside with his brother, Zagreus and Meg. They were children in the dream, Zagreus just old enough to start his training and brighter than anything in the underworld. Outside, by the river and as far away from the House as Nyx would let them, Zagreus was trying to coerce a barely awake Hypnos into a race with him while Meg beat something with a stick. Thanatos stood on the edge of the area they had claimed, always so unsure of what to do around other people and simply watched his best friend grab onto his brother’s sleeve and tug, speaking so quickly it was a little hard for someone wide awake to keep up.
Hypnos simply blinked at Zagreus, curls falling freely onto his forehead and hiding his ears from view. When Zagreus finally stopped speaking long enough for the other boy to answer, the sentence was simple and one no one was really surprised by. “I don’t want to race, Zag. Ask Meg or Than. I’m tired.”
Zagreus groaned and let go of his friend’s sleeve, sparing a glance at Meg only to flinch a little when the girl pointed her stick at him. The boy held up his hands and grinned a sheepish grin, the sparks that jumped from his crown almost as red as his cheeks. It was such a strange, foreign sight that reminded Thanatos of Zagreus’ birth mother. At this age, the boy prince was all confidence, loud laughs, neverending adventures through the halls of the House of Hades and all of the trouble that came with it. The other three followed him, of course. They were the only children in the house and beyond that, following Zagreus was just a natural thing to do; the boy’s infectious presence only complimented by the endless kindness that was even more rare then the pomegranates that he seemed so good at finding. Thanatos admired him greatly and tried to be more like him when the burning star that was the only son of Lord Hades wasn’t around, though he was sure he could never even pale in comparison.
As if sensing his thoughts had turned toward Zagreus, as they always did, the prince looked over at Thanatos and grinned. The bright grin that the prince only ever aimed at his best friend, his voice hopeful as he abandoned Hypnos to nap by the Styx and joined the older boy’s side. “Than,” he said, gripping Death’s hand tightly and tugging him until the boy’s feet touched the ground. Thanatos hated the way the ground felt under his feet, foreign and wrong. Still, he kept them there for his friend’s sake and smiled back; a small, private thing that only the prince ever really got to see. “You’ll race me, won’t you? I’ve gotten faster, I swear. Achilles says I might even be faster than him soon. Isn’t that amazing? Faster than the hero of Greece!”
Thanatos indulged his friend with a quiet little laugh, basking in the warmth of his beaming smile in return before nodding a little. “Alright, I’ll race you.” There was never any question about him agreeing and the four of them knew it, too. “What do I get if I win?”
Young Zagreus thought about it, brows furrowing and his nose scrunching up slightly before he answered thoughtfully, like the boy was taking the wager seriously. “If you win, I’ll bathe Cerberus for you until you tell me to stop. If I win, you have to trade rooms with me until I say to go back.”
“But Zag, your room is bigger than mine.”
Zagreus shrugged, unbothered by this fact and squeezed Than’s hand. “I like yours better. Come on, let’s race.”
Without much else to do but to agree to the terms, Thanatos stood in the spot that Zagreus had marked as the starting line, watching as the younger boy woke Hypnos up long enough to decide who would be the winner and convince a stubborn Meg to count down so it was a fair start. Zagreus had always been a stickler for fairness as a child, demanding it everywhere he went and only ever receiving it rarely. It was granted to him this time and the prince crouched with his hands in the dirt, ember feet ready to take off the moment Meg counted down and yelled for them to start. Beside him, Thanatos knelt in the same way and knew he would easily win this race, looking forward to not having to wash the smelly dog that the prince was so fond of. Meg counted down and the two boys were off, Thanatos a few steps ahead of Zagreus and finding himself smiling wildly as Hypnos and Meg both cheered for the boys, Zagreus laughing as he tried to keep up with Death; calling out empty threats and close on his heels almost the entire way.
The dream gave the memory a hazy kind of warmth, painting the scene of the boys chasing each other across the dirt with warm colours and capturing the laughter of all four children, void of responsibility and still mostly sheltered from the true nature of the realm they would grow up in. They were simply kids racing next to the only river they had ever known, Zagreus only two or three steps behind Thanatos and the older boy finding it a bit strange that he was finally in front. Not trailing behind his best friend, watching the way one side of his mouth quirked as he looked over his shoulder and back at Thanatos. It had been that train of thought that made Thanatos slow down just enough for Zagreus to get ahead in the last inches of the race, the prince throwing his fists up as he slowed down and calling out his victory with all the grace of a true hero. Hypnos and Meg clapped for their winner, though Meg glanced at Thanatos in a way that let the boy know she knew he’d let Zagreus win while Hypnos patted Zagreus on the back and looked over at the house like he was trying to find an excuse to go back to his room and sleep.
“You won,” Thanatos said, feet leaving the ground again as he floated over to his best friend. Zag’s face was pleasantly flushed and he looked so wonderful. So happy. Thanatos hoped he would always look like that. “When do you want to change rooms?”
“Can we have a sleepover first?” Zagreus asked, head tilted to the side in a way that had always reminded Thanatos a bit of Cerberus.
The older boy didn’t hesitate, a happy warmth blooming in his chest at the idea. “Okay. Can everyone come?”
Zagreus nodded and that night, all four children fell asleep on Zag’s large bed, Meg and Hypnos sprawled out on the edges; Meg’s thumb hanging out of her mouth in a way the boys swore to never mention to anyone ever and Hypnos’ jaw slack and small snores passing through his open mouth. Tucked under the blankets, two heads sharing one pillow and hands clasped under the heavy duvet, Zagreus and Thanatos slept; Than surprised at how quickly the prince had stopped squirming and let himself drift off to dream about whatever princes dreamt about. Thanatos had watched him for a bit, watched the way his chest rose and fell with even breaths and marveled at the fact that without his crown and mismatched eyes closed, the prince looked like any other human boy. The smooth lines of his face making Zagreus look peaceful was what finally lulled Thanatos to sleep, their hands still locked in a tight grip when they woke to the sound of Nyx’s voice rousing them to start that day or night’s chores and training.
-.-
The dream stayed on Than’s mind long after he woke up, Mort still gripped in his fist and the strangest urge to cry. He didn’t often let himself think about his childhood and never in the kind of detail his dream had given him, the memory still sharp and alive in his mind. It followed him out of his childhood bedroom and into the hall where Hypnos was at his station, surprisingly awake. In front of him, Zagreus was dripping blood from the Pool of Styx as he spoke to the God of Sleep with a casual smile on his face. The smile dropped from his face when the prince saw Thanatos and he cleared his throat, voicing his surprise at the fact that Death was still there and hadn’t fled the moment their conversation was over like he did so often now.
“You’re still here.”
Hypnos looked between the two and then for a way out of the awkward encounter, eventually finding the excuse that he needed something from the lounge. With his brother gone, Thanatos looked at Zagreus and nodded. “I decided to sleep here,” he said, feeling his cheeks heat up and hopeful that Zagreus couldn’t see the pink tint. “It’s been a while since I’ve been home and I was tired.”
Zagreus looked at Thanatos like he didn’t quite believe him, the skepticism hurting more now with the last images of Than’s dream still clinging desperately to the edges of his mind. “Why? You haven’t slept here since we were kids.”
Alright, he deserved that, Thanatos could admit it. Death hadn’t stayed more than a few minutes at a time since they were teenagers, hadn’t come home at all in who knew how long. Still, though, Thanatos was here now and he had already made up his mind that he wasn’t just going to leave without telling anyone anymore. He’d prove it to Zagreus, no matter how long it took. If it meant showing up while Zagreus was out and helping him when Death thought he needed it, staying nights and finding his place on the balcony that overlooked the Styx, then he would. Realising he’d been quiet for a little too long and Zagreus had visibly deflated a little, Thanatos spoke quickly to keep the prince in his spot. He didn’t know how he’d handle watching Zagreus walk away again, not now that he was finally beginning to understand his complex feelings for the younger man,
“I missed you,” he said, eyes widening a little when he realised exactly what he’d said. Zagreus stared at Thanatos, cheeks pink and expression cautious. “I mean, I miss being home. My mother and brothers miss me, too. I don’t want to keep missing out on things, so I’m gonna be here.”
Speechless (a rare and amazing sight that Thanatos absolutely committed to memory), Zagreus nodded and spoke slowly after an uncomfortable stretch of silence. “So I’m going to see you more?”
“Yes.” Thanatos nodded and carefully watched the way that Zagreus relaxed a little, nodding as well and starting to walk backwards. “I’ll be here and out there.”
Thanatos didn’t specify what he’d meant and he didn’t need to; Zagreus understood and for a moment, that brilliant and blinding grin overtook his face before the two remembered themselves, remembered their past and who they were now and the smile was lost as the prince backed away towards the entryway of his bed chambers. Thanatos watched him go and couldn’t stop the soft, private smile that curled his lips up in the corners when Zag gave him one final wave and ducked into his room; likely ready to change and get right back out to trying to escape the only home either of them had ever known. Death himself was ready to help and cheer his best friend on, no matter how much it would hurt to see him go.