Chapter Text
When you watch the sun set for the last time, most people don't realize it's the last time, but when they do, it's a grief that can never be healed
It is a pain that sits in the bottom of their heart as they hold their loved ones close and say their final goodbyes
But when that loved one doesn't know, doesn't know that this goodbye has to be perfect so when they wake up they will not be surprised when it's revealed
They sit there, knowing you're gone and wishing they'd known before the light finally sunk below the clouds, that your words of being there forever weren't promises, but instead lies.
You do not think about the present when it's time, but instead the past and the future that could have and the one that will
You think of the love you could have gotten in another life, and how they will all sit at your funeral and cry, but they couldn't even spare a thought, let alone a tear, when you were alive
You think of your childhood when it was easier, but was it ever really easy? Or did you just not understand how important it was to run from the flames because this time was not a drill
You can run and run as much as you want now, but it'll do no good. You cannot go back and save yourself, you cannot help them survive.
You grip the bottle and count the pills once again, just like you'd been doing for weeks. You counted them one by one to see if it would be enough
You know how many you need because you found a post on how to kill yourself and decided to double it just in case
You are happy to do this, you tell yourself over and over again, I need to do this, but even you don't believe the bluff.
You think of your friends and how they will respond, because you know them, and you know yourself. You are like a pen, small, weak, and easy to replace.
You will take a deep breath as you give your final prayer full of hope and you give it all you have, which by now is nothing at best, and void at worst.
You know he won't respond, he never has. He didn't reply for those three years so you could be loved, he didn't save you when you were hurt, he didn't help you, and once again he didn't reply.
You fall to the floor and hug yourself because you're the only person left who will hug you and you're so tired and your emotions that you've held in for thirteen years decide to burst.
You mourn yourself as you realize what is about to happen, as your world finally comes crashing down and you want to scream, you just want to fucking die.
But you don't. You are cursed to continue forward as if this isn't ripping you finger by finger, limb by limb, like your blood isn't something to be slipped on
You don't know what to do, everything has gone horrible and you have no where to turn, and you sit there and just let it all come out as you feel for the first time in so long
You shakily grab your phone and start to search a few things, preparing for what must come next. You read stories cheering you on and prepare yourself at three am, getting ever closer to dawn.
You grab and pen and paper and start a conversation that you do not realize will cause you to have panic attacks over saying hello on the phone, it all feels so wrong.
But your story didn't have a happy ending. You didn't get to continue forward and feel the love that you never and should have gotten.
You die more and more every day as you lose every single part of you and you can do nothing to stop it, but you hide from it, you pretend you are happy and you are okay and that you are not broken, that you are not shattered.
They come after you day by day and as you lose ourself you stop caring, stop giving a shit about them when you realize you sacrificed everything for their happiness and nothing for your own and it seem's they've forgotten
And so when they come at you again with words sharp as daggers, you do not hide, you watch as they try to cut you and you no longer care because you can no longer feel, you are bloody and battered.
But that doesn't matter, what matters is the fact that you have control now, you are not some helpless five year old, but a fucker with nothing to lose and everything to gain.
You don't feel fear but instead fury, but you don't scream or yell as that'd get you no where, and you know better than to be immature like them.
And you their words float in the air and the fear in the room is still there, but now from them, in you it no longer remains.
Then they realize what they've done. Not the pain or abuse, but that they've pushed you to your breaking point and you are here to hurt them now. God is not in control, it is your turn to condemn.
And you do.
They never get a second chance.
They realize your expression is true.
You laugh, seemingly saying "Come on fucker, let's dance."