Work Text:
r/askreddit
Posted by u/bluerthanindigo 5 hours ago
People who have met one of the Avengers off-duty, what are they like IRL? (serious)
[Serious Replies Only]
89% Upvoted
Sort by: Best
u/lofi-moshpit
Buckle up guys, it’s storytime. Back in the day, my ex (let’s call her Sasha) cheated on me with Tony fucking Stark. Yes, really. This was pre Iron Man, like ‘07 ish, so he was famous but not like Avenger-famous. She got caught when she bragged about it to her best friend, who was an actually decent human being who showed me the texts and let me know what was going on. This was not her first time cheating (as I learned later) but it was the first time she got caught… and when I confronted her she actually tried to defend herself by saying that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, that I’d have done the same if someone hot and rich and famous came onto me, etc. So I kick her out and get the cops to watch while I throw her stuff on the curb.
Two months later… Sasha turns up on my doorstep… says she’s pregnant. Says it’s mine. Total nightmare, right? Hahaha, nope. Cue one of the best moments of my life as I go to my filing cabinet and get out the letter from my urologist confirming that my sperm count is zero. I had a vasectomy in 2004… a year before I even met her. Her face was as priceless as you can imagine. She immediately starts crying and throwing a fit, screaming at me that I should have told her earlier, that she wants kids someday (wish fucking granted I guess?) and wouldn’t have dated me if she’d known, blah blah blah.
Anyway, I’m doing the math while she’s screaming at me, and we weren’t even having that much sex during the last few weeks of our rship… so even if my vasectomy had failed, there’s pretty much no way it was mine. But I know who she WAS having sex with. So I ask her why she isn’t knocking on Tony Stark’s door telling him that it’s his, especially because I can’t imagine how much sweet sweet child support money she’d be able to squeeze out of a weapons-dealing billionaire.
And then she turns red as a fucking tomato and won’t look me in the eye, just says she doesn’t think it’s his. I push her a little more and all she’ll say is that it’s not his baby… until finally she mumbles that Stark only put it in her ass. I laughed so hard I fucking cried.
So there you go… apparently Tony Stark loves anal.
Edit: Sorry, I keep forgetting he's dead. *loved anal, past tense
⬇ 8969 ⬆
u/toss-a-coin-to-ur-pitcher
DUDE you can’t leave us hanging like that, who was the father??
⬇ 5674 ⬆
u/lofi-moshpit
Lol sorry. It turns out she was also cheating on me with a couple of other guys she knew from high school, and one of them ended up being the father. They are not together. Also guys, GET SNIPPED if you are serious about never wanting kids. I can’t imagine how horrible my life would be if I had been stuck supporting her cheating ass for 18 years.
⬇ 5643 ⬆
————
u/sapphic_leopard
I met Captain Rogers when I catered a gala in DC about six months after he came back (so like 2012ish). FUCK IS HE HUGE. Picture how big you think he is… nope, even bigger. Also he was wearing a tux and goddamn, son. I don’t even swing that way but Steve Rogers can get it anytime.
⬇ 5671 ⬆
u/jojosbogusadventure
If you don’t want to bang Steve Rogers are you even alive?
⬇ 1356 ⬆
u/trolldollpubes
the Steve Rogers Simp Brigade is right on schedule
⬇ 3 ⬆
———
u/nastiebab
This one is kind of sad. I saw the Winter Solider in 2014 in my hometown Gdansk (Poland). He looked like a homeless, he had long hair and looked kind of dirty and was curled up in an alley talking to himself. I thought he was a drug addict until I saw his hand was metal. I took out my phone to get a picture but he got up fast and I mean FAST. Then he climbed straight up the the building and disappeared… super fast, like one two three, gone. It was actually scary to watch, it shouldn’t have been possible to move that fast or climb that way.
My family thought I was lying and teased me until we saw him on TV two years later and I was like holy shit, that’s the man I saw with a metal arm! And then the news said the picture was Sargant Barnes.
So to answer the question… at the time he seemed mentally ill and did not look healthy in any way. Idk for sure but I thought I heard him crying too when he was sitting there in the alley. Definitely not doing well at the time but understandable knowing the story now. I hope he is doing okay.
⬇ 3263 ⬆
u/missmolly1234
His story is so fucking sad. Everyone says he was the sweetest, realest dude before he got turned into that and the old photos/videos/biographies of him seem to back that up. Fuck HYDRA and all Nazis.
⬇ 1244 ⬆
[deleted]
[removed]
⬇ -41 ⬆
u/where-are-my-dragoons
Watching him receive his pardon on live TV last year literally brought me to tears. It was such an amazing ceremony but the look on his face reminded me of my husband (military vet) who killed himself two years ago after being denied treatment for his PTSD again and again. 1000-yard stare… I know that look so well, it broke my heart to see it... I pray Sgt Barnes is getting the help that might have saved the man I loved. Please reach out to your veteran friends, they are not okay.
⬇ 3002 ⬆
u/robe_and_wizard_hat69
I am so sorry about your husband. We as a country are failing our vets.
⬇ 498 ⬆
u/nataliesmama3
Yes very sad… how many people did this guy kill again?? This thread is a disaster
⬇ -4 ⬆
u/heatdeathoftheuniverse
He’s hot, that’s all people care about
⬇ -2 ⬆
u/kickthebabyike
I heard he’s living in NY again. Can’t imagine what that must be like, going home to your old city after 70 years.
⬇ 26 ⬆
u/knobbler89
What borough? Anyone have an address?
⬇ -10 ⬆
————
u/flaming-dicknipples
Can’t say for sure it was her but I’m pretty sure I once almost got hit by the Black Widow doing like 150mph down an alleyway on a motorcycle. Kinda sad she didn’t hit me because ngl, that’s pretty much how I want to go out.
⬇ 3311 ⬆
u/Mariosmushroom
Death by vroom-vroom
⬇ 499 ⬆
u/MyShtapler
Death by snu-snu
⬇ 263 ⬆
u/Mariosmushroom
r/thatsthejoke
Edit: why the fuck am I getting downvoted
⬇ 12 ⬆
————
u/madisonthewanderer
All I can say is that Thor smells even better than you think he does
⬇ 2297 ⬆
u/crisisactor312
Dude this is so fucking creepy and yet I can’t stop laughing, how did you come by this blursed knowledge
⬇ 787 ⬆
u/madisonthewanderer
He let me and my bff get a photo with him in NY pre-Blip… got close enough to get a whiff of his magic alien cologne. I would eat it on toast
⬇ 320 ⬆
u/cringykawaii
Thor back in the day was SUPER hot, it’s really sad how he let himself go
⬇ 45 ⬆
u/gayforsaruman
It’s even sadder how people like you judge him for it. Have some compassion dickweed
⬇ 672 ⬆
————
u/welcome-to-the-bungle
My cousin is an RN who worked with Dr. Strange for a while and wow that guy is an asshole. The stories she’s told, I have no idea how he still has a medical license, let alone magic powers. The universe is not fucking fair.
⬇ 1956 ⬆
u/pterrific
You can’t post that and not share the stories dude
⬇ 365 ⬆
u/welcome-to-the-bungle
Dude he has magic powers, fuckloads of money, and an ego the size of Texas... I’m not gonna say shit, lol
⬇ 393 ⬆
————
u/she-her-nanigans
The Falcon was ahead of me in line at a grocery store once. Dude was really chill and didn’t mind me talking to him at all… he seemed very down to earth. Also he is way hotter irl.
⬇ 1228 ⬆
————
u/siriusxremus
Not really an Avenger but Avengers-adjacent? Pepper Potts once bought lemonade from my daughter’s lemonade stand and gave her the sweetest pep talk (no pun intended) about how important it is to have women be leaders in business. Watching them interact was like the top 10 moments of my life. My daughter was five and didn’t even know what was going on but I have had the biggest woman-crush on Pepper ever since.
⬇ 1103 ⬆
————
u/Foucault-in-a-fez
My sister was in an undergraduate class taught by Dr. Banner about 15y ago. She said he was a terrible prof who didn’t seem interested in teaching at all (tbf it was a research university and most of the profs weren’t really there to teach) but outside of class he seemed like a really nice guy. She failed his class though so maybe she was just salty.
⬇ 221 ⬆
u/jackson333918
Your sister is definitely salty, I had him for an undergrad bio course at Cornell where he was a visiting prof and he was a stellar instructor who always came super prepared. He comes across as very quiet but is low-key funny af if you’re paying attention. That was one of the best classes I ever took. Hope he’s doing okay now, seems like his life maybe wasn’t as good as we all thought.
⬇ 191 ⬆
u/heartless-sora-3
I agree, I worked with Bruce for a while at NYU during his doctorate (or one of them, fucking overachiever, lol) and he was the nicest, humblest, sweetest dude. Did NOT see the rage monster thing coming… kind of makes you think.
⬇ 87 ⬆
————
u/picklelicker1
Col. Rhodes tells super lame stories trying to make himself sound badass and thinks he’s the life of the party. He’s the biggest diva I’ve ever met, and I once tended bar for Mariah Carey
⬇ 32 ⬆
u/suffer_ragette
Omg i'm dying
⬇ 4 ⬆