Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 13

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts….

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

“Have any of your other choreographers come to watch your stages?” Yeonjun asks, looking up at Beomgyu from where his head rests on the idol’s shoulder.

“Not really,” Beomgyu answers without taking his eyes off of the crime documentary he’s focused on. “Hobi came to monitor sometimes but it was very rare.”

Yeonjun remains silent and puts his focus back on the documentary.

“Do you want to come watch me?” Beomgyu’s voice comes.

Yeonjun keeps his head on the idol’s shoulder. “Not just you, superstar. Taehyun too, since you’re performing on the same day.”

If Yeonjun’s being honest, Taehyun being there would just be an added plus. He really wants to see Beomgyu perform but in this weird time where he’s staying with him as he tries to find a place to live, the two can only seem to swap between two extremes. Screaming and yelling or… whatever this is.

Yeonjun looks down at this.

The two are laying beside each other on Beomgyu’s bed. Their hands are pressed next to each other, knuckles brushing, making Yeonjun’s hand twitch a little. Holding it seems so easy, telling Beomgyu that he wants to see the other perform seems so easy. But he doesn't know what they’ll be like tomorrow and he doesn’t want to regret being honest.

“I can arrange a backstage pass for you to come,” Beomgyu tells him. He pulls his eyes away from the TV and looks down at Yeonjun through his lashes. He brushes Yeonjun’s hair back and the dancer shifts to be closer. “If you want.”

Yeonjun can only nod.

“Okay,” he murmurs, hand still touching Yeonjun’s hair. 

They stay like that for a while. Not really doing anything, just drinking each other in, eyes catching on the smallest details.

Like how the roots of his hair are starting to grow out so the dark brown blends into silver. It’s always curly when he gets out of the shower, much like now when it twirls around his ear. He also smells like vanilla. Yeonjun’s not sure if it’s his soap or the lotion the idol applies after, but the smell is always there, underneath the expensive cologne.

Yeonjun looks away. 

“Thank you,” he manages to whisper, voice rough.

Beomgyu opens his mouth to say something but seems to catch himself. He gives a tiny nod before returning his attention back to the documentary.

The idol keeps his promise and on Saturday, Yeonjun finds himself at the music show along with dozens of fans. He didn’t know the process for the music shows is so complicated. He thought all of them were shot in one go but Beomgyu informed him there are usually two recordings- the prerecording and the live stage. Since the prerecording is early in the morning, Yeonjun attends the live stage a little later in the afternoon instead. Even the fans are strictly monitored, ordered to enter and leave at specific times, organised by tiers. It feels like it’s run by the military. Yeonjun watches different groups and soloists perform, some he’s familiar with and others he’s never seen before. Even though Beomgyu had given him the backstage pass, he wants to see the performance like everybody else so he tells the idol he’ll meet him backstage after the performance and make his way to the front with all of the fans. 

There are a few performances before Beomgyu’s. It includes Taehyun and his group who Yeonjun can’t help but feel a surge of pride as he watches the other’s performance. He’s better than Yeonjun imagined. Not that he expected his friend to be bad, but watching him on stage feeding off of the crowd’s energy, it’s never been more clear that the other was born to be an idol. Born for the stage.

Beomgyu’s up not long after.

Once all his fans are settled into their respective tiers, Beomgyu finally appears on stage. Yeonjun’s placed not too far from the front by the staff and perks up when the idol appears on stage. The fans cheer in excitement as he offers them a smile and a wave. He walks into position after bowing to the fans and staff. Yeonjun waits for the idol to recognise him but scolds himself. He probably can’t see Yeonjun in the crowd when he’s so focused. Once he’s in place, the familiar notes start and Yeonjun watches Beomgyu carry out the choreography that they’ve slaved over in the studio for hours. He wonders how the fans can even find it in them to perform the fan chants because watching Beomgyu glide across the stage, dressed in his stage outfit that shimmers under the bright lights, all Yeonjun can do is gape.

He looks untouchable.

The bridge of the song requires him to move to the front and sing to the crowd for a moment. Yeonjun waits for him to land the turn before he easily moves to the front and locks in on Yeonjun. Yeonjun blinks and looks around to make sure he’s not imagining anything but his position in the crowd is off center. It would be hard to look there by mistake. The fans in front of him squeal and jump up and down like bunnies that just took lines of cocaine but Yeonjun’s almost a hundred percent sure that Beomgyu’s looking at him. He feels himself redden but will not let himself be at the mercy of this stupid idol. He swallows and forces himself to roll his eyes and send a fake kiss toward the stage. Beomgyu smirks for a split second before returning to the choreography.

After the performance is over, Yeonjun makes his way backstage to find the idol. His eyes skim over all the other idols before he finds Beomgyu surrounded by some staff. He hangs back and watches the idol in his element. He’s taller than the staff attending to him and one of them must say something funny because his straight face breaks out into a smile before looking up from his phone and spotting Yeonjun. He waves the people around him away and makes his way to the dancer.

“How’d I do?” he asks, pushing his hair back and looking at Yeonjun expectantly.

Yeonjun raises his eyebrow. “Were the screaming fans not enough approval for you?”

“I’m looking for one specific fan’s opinion.”

“The girl you winked at in the audience?” Yeonjun asks, just to be annoying.

Beomgyu cocks his head to the side. “Funny how you don’t know.”

“Know what?”

In a movement so quick that Yeonjun thinks he imagines it, Beomgyu reaches forward to tuck Yeonjun’s hair behind his ear and touches his chin. “It doesn’t matter how many people know the words to my songs. It’s you who makes me sing.”

Yeonjun blinks, feels his mouth open and close at a loss for words, and Beomgyu takes a step back, turning on his heel.

“See you at the encore!” he shouts over his shoulder, walking back to where he was before with all the staff. “Make sure you watch from the wings this time. I think you’ll enjoy it better.”

Yeonjun didn’t know what the idol was on about and couldn’t care to figure it out because his brain kept on returning to Beomgyu’s earlier words. He doesn’t understand how confusing one person can be. Beomgyu might not even talk to him tomorrow and Yeonjun will still find himself turning the words around in his head. When Beomgyu does his encore stage an hour and a bit later, it’s clear why he told Yeonjun to watch from the wings. The idol approaches him as the rest of the runner ups make their way off stage and the beginning notes of his song plays.

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun panics, backing up and almost toppling over. 

One of the stage directors throws him a dirty look but Beomgyu’s still approaching Yeonjun and all his focus is going into not having a panic attack.

“Oh don’t look so mortified,” Beomgyu says once he’s in front of Yeonjun. “It’s just an encore stage.”

“Nobody brings their dancers or choreographers out!” Yeonjun hisses, trying to pull his hand out of Beomgyu’s strong grip.

Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “So what?”

Yeonjun stares at him in disbelief. 

Beomgyu sighs and loosens his grip. Yeonjun thinks he’s given up but he takes Yeonjun’s other hand looks at the choreographer earnestly.

“Listen,” he says in a rush, “I hate encore stages. It’s fun if you have a group but being a soloist… nobody’s up there to celebrate with you. You deserve to celebrate as much as I do.” He nods his head back to the stage where the only people left are Taehyun and his group. They shuffle around awkwardly. “I want one stage where I feel happy like all those other groups. Taehyun’s up there already. That’s one person who I-” He stops abruptly and blinks for a few moments before shaking his head. “Both of you on stage with me to celebrate my victory would make me happy. Please. Just this one time.”

Yeonjun’s eyes flicker to the stage and the audience. He feels nauseous looking at all the fans but when he looks back at Beomgyu, the feeling dissipates and is replaced with something warmer, something stronger.

“Soobin will hate this,” he mumbles.

Beomgyu breaks out into a grin. “I know how to handle him.”

Without another word, he leads Yeonjun back on stage. The crowd’s screams increase by tenfold. Yeonjun’s overly aware of the eyes that spot him but he prays that they get bored and go back to focusing on Beomgyu.

“JUNE! BEOMGYU!” Taehyun shouts, running over to the two in excitement. “Teach me and the guys a little bit of the choreography so we can do the chorus!”

Yeonjun’s about to refuse, too focused on not throwing up, but realises that it would look more awkward if he stood and did nothing for the remaining two minutes of the song.

“Sure,” he agrees, swallowing hard. He looks at Beomgyu who gives a small wink before he lets Taehyun drag them back to his shuffling group of members.

To their credit, they pick up on the key point quicker than Yeonjun anticipated. When the second chorus arrives and Beomgyu is hyping them all up, Yeonjun counts down Taehyun and his members and watches them try the new move. They all manage to get the gist of it, causing a chorus of screams and awes of approval from the crowd.

“Your turn!” Taehyun shouts, grinning and pushing Yeonjun to the front.

Yeonjun yelps, the sound lost in the music blasting from the speakers somewhere. “NO.”

He doesn’t have much of a choice because he feels a hard yank on his wrist and finds Beomgyu pulling him to the front. His stomach gives a big flip. If he throws up now, he’ll never forgive Beomgyu.

The idol looks at him and in a shout, says, “Let’s see whose turn lasts longer!”

Yeonjun can only blink before Beomgyu looks back at the crowd, gives them a thumbs up, and begins the pirouette turn Yeonjun’s yelled at him for in class. Flustered and unsure of what to do about the screaming fans, he launches into a turn himself, his head whipping around faster each time. When he first started dancing, Yeonjun could only manage three turns without falling out of it or fucking up in someway. With his brain being so scattered, he loses count but he knows it must be long because he hears the crowd clap to the beat of his turn. He ends up stopping more because he thinks the audience will get tired of clapping than actually being tired. When he lands the turn, he blinks a few times to find Beomgyu leading the chant.

Everybody erupts in applause, Taehyun’s group letting out whistles above the song that has become nothing but background noise. Yeonjun wills himself to stay calm at all the shouts and looks of praise. He’s performed in front of a crowd but never to this extent. He knows these aren’t his fans but the way they cheer for his turn makes him wonder if that’s why Beomgyu deals with all the issues that come with being an idol. 

He blinks some of the dizziness away and focuses on Beomgyu. He beams at Yeonjun before turning back to the audience and going forward to touch some of their hands.

If Yeonjun is the reason Beomgyu sings, Beomgyu is the reason Yeonjun believes in love.

He’d do anything for Beomgyu.

He’s as foolish as all these fans.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it-

“…June please just- I want to help you but you need to tell me what’s wrong,” a pained voice comes.

Haechan?

Yeonjun can’t tell.

“Is he bleeding?” another panicked voice comes.

Lee Know.

Yeonjun must be at their apartment. He doesn’t remember arriving, only being dragged out of Apex Entertainment’s building kicking and screaming then being thrown head first into the paparazzi.

They were like sharks.

It didn’t matter that Yeonjun was on the floor and struggling to breathe. They bit into his already torn skin and ripped him apart further.

“Yeonjun! Are you dating Dal?”

“Is that why you were thrown out of the building?”

“Have you been selling information to Dal?”

“Is it true that you only choreograph for idols to make money and sell them out?”

There were so many people surrounding him, bright flashes blinding his eyes even though they were shut tight. His ears rang, both from the camera shutters and the millions of questions, but also Beomgyu’s words from earlier.

Poor orphan boy.

Flash. Click. Question.

Poor orphan boy.

Flash. Click. Question.

Poor. Orphan. Boy.

Flash. Click. Question.

He needed to leave before his heart gave out right there.

All he remembers is dragging himself up and shoving through the school of sharks.

Now he’s here, body shaking and on the brink of breaking, in Haechan and Lee Know’s apartment. 

Just breathe, he tries to tell himself. Breathe.

But every time he tries to inhale, he sees white flashes and hears the loud words POOR ORPHAN BOY hammer his skull.

“…Take him to a doctor?” Haechan asks, desperation in his voice.

“I don’t know what else we can do,” Lee Know says. “He hasn’t said a word, only crying like something-” He pauses. In a low voice that he assumes Yeonjun can’t hear, he asks Haechan, “Do you think somebody died? The same thing happened when his parents died. He didn’t speak for ages…”

Yeonjun wants to say something to his friends but his voice left him. Abandoned in some dumpster like a neglected baby. Lee Know is right about it happening before. The only time he felt his heart hurt this much is when he learned about the death of his parents.

He tries to open his mouth but all that comes out is another whine that alarms his friends.

Haechan lets a noise out from the back of his throat. “We have to take him. I don’t-”

A loud ring cuts through Yeonjun’s cries and through the two’s talking.

Lee Know answers the phone with a grunt. “Not now Taehyun-”

His voice dies. Yeonjun can’t see his face from where he’s curled up on the floor but hears the change in Lee Know’s voice when he says, “Oh.”

It carries enough weight that Yeonjun already knows what Taehyun told him. His breath becomes quick once again. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since. Everything had passed in a flash of horror. It must have been long enough for the news to have reached Taehyun.

What had Soobin done to clear the rumors?

Flashing headlines pop into Yeonjun’s mind as an answer.

Poor orphan dancer fired from job for selling information to rival company.

Worldwide idol BG denies rumours of dating poor orphan boy.

He smacks his head again and again, trying to get rid of the jumble of words floating around in his head.

“June,” Lee Know’s gentle voice comes.

A soft hand grips his arms back to prevent him from hitting himself. Yeonjun can’t say anything so he shakes his head hard enough to make himself dizzy.

“June, I’m- I don’t know…” Lee Know chokes out. “I’m sorry, June. I’m so sorry.”

An arm wraps itself around his abdomen.

“It’ll be okay,” Haechan mumbles into his back. “It will be June, you’ve been through worse.”

Yeonjun wants to ask what Taehyun told them. He can’t be too sure but his friends probably only know about being kicked out of the company. They don’t know about Beomgyu and his words, his rejection. They don’t know about the denial, the accusation.

Nothing comes out of his mouth except more sobs so he lets himself cry into them.

He wishes his parents were here.

He would’ve told them how wrong they were about love.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Time has a weird way of moving.

In his time dating Beomgyu, every moment passed too quickly. They were short, leaving Yeonjun for more. Watching movies passed in split seconds, falling asleep beside each other felt more like blinking an eye.

The moments following Beomgyu’s accusations pass by as slowly as the days following his parents' passing did.

Minutes become hours and hours stretch out into days. Yeonjun spends them at Haechan and Lee Know’s flat, sleeping and unable to talk. His friends try coaxing him into talking but it doesn’t work much. Taehyun visits as much as possible and Yeonjun can only feel guilty looking at his busy friend’s sad eyes with nothing to offer him. Kai isn’t in town but tries phoning several times. When Yeonjun doesn’t answer, he tries Lee Know and Haechan but Yeonjun’s stomach churns at the thought of talking to his friend. Every time he thinks about it, he sees Kai and Soobin happy in the kitchen cooking together. Yeonjun will only ruin that. If he already hasn’t. Kai must have seen the headlines and God knows what Soobin told him.

Yeonjun figures out what the news says based on his friends trying to talk to him. Most of the headlines are about Yeonjun and Dal being in cahoots and that being the main reason for Yeonjun being booted. There is no mention of Yeonjun and Beomgyu dating or of Yeonjun giving Dal Beomgyu’s song. Soobin must not have released a statement yet. He can’t find it in himself to tell his friends otherwise, or explain what really happened. He just lays in bed, wrapped in a blanket and listens to them plead. Even if he wanted to tell them, his voice is still nowhere to be found.

He only finds it at the end of the week when Kai visits him after returning from his trip.

Yeonjun stares at the dot on the dark blue wall of Lee Know’s room. He’s become so familiar with the piece of wall, he knows where all the minuscule bumps are and where the painting seems thicker. He’s in the process of trying to count the amount of brush strokes he can see when he hears chatter outside.

“…Nothing’s worked but maybe we can all try since you’re back,” Lee Know suggests.

“Has he really not said a word?” Kai checks.

Yeonjun’s anxiety spikes and his heart‘s speed doubles. It had been dormant since that day, not present as he dissociated from everything except the wall in front of him. Now, it claws back up his throat and threatens to take the voice that’s already hidden from him. 

“Not a single one,” Haechan confirms. “Even with Taehyun.”

There’s a long silence before Yeonjun hears the door creak open. He remains still.

“Junie?” Kai whispers. “Are you sleeping?”

Yeonjun debates pretending to sleep but he itches to see his friend’s face. Who knows how much longer his friend will remain his friend. His body responds by flipping onto its other side to find his four friends looking at him with a mixture of worry and sadness. There’s a buzzing coming from somewhere but he thinks he imagines it.

“Oh Yeonjun…” Kai trials off and crouches down in front of the bed. He reaches out to touch Yeonjun’s hair, brushing it back from his forehead. “What happened?”

Yeonjun opens his mouth and tries to explain, tries to find the voice that abandoned him, but all his body can muster are tears.

Bzzz bzzz.

“June,” Taehyun says, sitting on the edge of the bed and touching Yeonjun lightly, “I can’t get ahold of Beomgyu, Soobin isn’t saying anything… we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.”

“All we know is that they fired you,” Haechan adds softly from where he leans against the dresser with Lee Know, “and that there were some dating rumours between you two but those have already been denied by his rep.”

Bzzz bzzz.

Yeonjun shakes his head hard.

“Was it Dal?” Lee Know asks. “Were you secretly dating him and the company didn’t take to it when they found out?”

He shakes his head harder, feeling his breath shorten and the tears stream faster down his already damp cheeks.

Bzzzzzz.

“Enough.” Kai silences them, moving forward to enclose Yeonjun in a hug. His head rests on Kai’s chest, muffled by the blue sweater he’s wearing. “He’ll tell us once he’s ready, if he wants to, and Haechan for God’s sake. Can you either answer your messages or silence your damn phone?”

“Sorry,” Haechan mumbles, shuffling a bit to pull his phone out. “It’s probably my students. We haven’t had class for a week. I already told them we’re on a break but today they haven’t stopped texting since…”

“Since?” Kai prompts.

A moment of silence passes.

Yeonjun pulls away from Kai and tries to get a look at his friends' faces.

They freeze when he catches them silently eyeing and gesturing at each other, pointing at Haechan’s phone. One look at all of their faces is enough to tell Yeonjun what's going on.

For the first time in a week, he finds his voice.

“Let me read it.”

It comes out softer and hoarser than he wants so he repeats himself, “Let me read it.”

“June,” Haechan says, stuffing his phone into his back pocket, “It’s nothing-”

He yelps as Yeonjun launches himself straight at him, knocking his friend to the ground.

“YEONJUN!” Taehyun shrills, trying to pull him off of Haechan.

“Let me read it, Haechan,” he orders, snaking his arm around the other. 

Haechan squirms. “There’s nothing to read!”

“Yeonjun, come on,” Lee Know pleads, helping Taehyun pull him off of Haechan. “What good will it do?”

Nothing, in all likelihood, but Yeonjun needs to see it for himself. They don’t understand and he can’t make them so all that comes out of his mouth is, “Let. Me. Read.”

They respond by tugging and tugging until they manage to yank him back. All three of them go flying, hitting the bed and sinking down to the floor. Lee Know and Taehyun try pulling him back as he scrambles forward to Haechan but a large body blocks him.

“Junie,” Kai whispers, holding Yeonjun back. “Let it go.”

Yeonjun pushes Kai hard but his friend stands stiff and steady.

“Let me go.”

“Yeonjun-”

“I’m in love with him!” he shrieks, hitting Kai on the chest and kicking him with all his might. “I need to- I need to see what he said please you don’t understand.” His tears are everywhere- clouding his vision, the saltiness filling his mouth, cheeks wet but still, Kai doesn’t budge. “Every minute apart from him feels like I’m losing years to my life. Even if he’s not saying anything good about me I just- just need to know that everything wasn’t in my head.” He looks up at Kai through his blurred vision. “Please.”

Kai looks down at him with a painful expression before letting out a soft breath. “Haechan, read it out.”

Haechan straightens. “Kai-”

“Look at him, Haechan,” he interrupts, snapping his head back. “Just read it. It’s already everywhere. He’ll find a way even if you don’t.”

Haechan’s eyes flicker to Yeonjun. Something passes over his face before his shoulders slump. He pulls out his phone and begins reading the article in a quiet voice unlike himself.

“A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

A week following the accusations thrown at pop idol BG, he has broken his silence and it is nothing like any of us could have imagined. The idol’s company has denied dating rumours but has also come forth to claim that the most recent song released by rival idol Dal was his before his choreographer sold him out.

‘It wasn’t anything we expected,’ says his manager, speaking on behalf of the idol who hadn’t been seen for a week. ‘BG felt betrayed by somebody he considered a good friend.”

According to the statement put out by the manager, the choreographer (Choi Yeonjun, 22) had been the only one other than BG himself to know about the song. The choreographer was hired by Dal to grow close and gain the trust of BG to secure personal and secret information such as that of BG’s repackage. The statement claims that the pictures of the two fighting that surfaced the previous week are from BG discovering the choreographer’s plans and confronting the dancer. The picture revealed on The Hellen Show is said to be manipulated and do not involve the idol at all.

The idol was pictured out last night for the first time since the incident at dinner with his manager. When asked about his relationship with the choreographer, the idol calmly stated, “There is nothing else to be said. No amount of talent will make up for the lack of trust between an artist and their choreographer.”

Stellar Stars is yet to put out a statement regarding Dal but BG’s manager is adamant that they can prove that the song was stolen.

It is well known that Dal and BG have had a falling out in the past. Whether or not this is a ploy for revenge on BG’s part is up for debate. What is for certain, however, is that one should stay clear of Choi Yeonjun. Whatever the situation at hand is, it is obvious that the dancer is the source of chaos.”

Yeonjun doesn’t remember falling but he finds himself on the ground, trying to be pulled up by somebody. His body refuses to work. He touches his cheeks but finds that he’s not even crying anymore.

“…Please say something,” he hears Kai beg.

Yeonjun blinks and rubs his eyes. Kai becomes clearer in his vision, his face twisted and so red Yeonjun wants to grab him an ice pack. 

“I didn’t…” he trails off, feeling dazed and dizzy. “I would never….”

“Of course you wouldn’t, Junie,” Kai chokes out. “Of course you fucking wouldn’t.”

Yeonjun looks around at the faces of his friends.

Both Lee Know and Haechan have looks of disbelief on their face, mouths opening and closing. Taehyun’s face is wiped blank. For once, Yeonjun can’t tell what his friend is feeling. And Kai…

Yeonjun clears his throat and reaches out to touch Kai’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”

Kai’s eyes dart back to Yeonjun. “What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what, Yeonjun?” he hisses. “You haven’t-”

“For complicating things between you and Soobin,” Yeonjun mutters, trying to ignore the way his throat wants to close again. He has to get this out before he loses his voice again. “I didn’t do- I would never sell Beomgyu out like that but if you need to believe it to be with Soobin, it’s okay.”

Every word pricks at his throat and the minute all of it is out, he knows his voice has left him again. He can’t find it in himself to say anything else.

Kai jerks back from him. “What the fuck?”

I want you to be happy, Yeonjun wants to say. 

Instead, he stands up, crawls back into bed and shuts his eyes.

He lost his job and probably one of his best friends as well as disappointed his parents. 

All he did was fall in love.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

“Beomgyu,” Soobin says. “You have to eat.”

Beomgyu stares up at the ceiling of Soobin’s apartment, barely registering his words.

“You need to be strong for the next few weeks,” Soobin says, trying to convince him. “Who knows how long this will go on for.”

“Probably not that long,” Beomgyu finds himself saying, eyes still glued to the ceiling. “The company wants to drop me.”

Soobin remains silent.

“You think I didn’t know?” Beomgyu muses. If he had it in him to feel anything other than miserable he might have found his manager’s silence funny.

“I should’ve told you.”

“I don’t care,” Beomgyu tells him. What are the chances that the ceiling collapses on him? “I expected it.”

“If we manage to show that the song is originally yours it’ll be fine,” Soobin says in a tone that makes Beomgyu wonder who he’s trying to assure. “Which is why you should eat.”

The thought of eating makes him want to throw up. In fact, he had thrown up when Soobin forced him to show his face and go for dinner the other night to make it look like he’s unaffected by all the press. He ordered one of his favourite dishes and it had just come right back out once he was home.

“I’m worried,” Soobin whispers. “About you.”

“Don’t do that to yourself. Not worth the energy.”

“You’re worth all my energy and more, Gyu. Why can’t you see that?” he asks, voice tainted with hurt. When Beomgyu doesn’t bother replying, he pipes up again. “All that stuff he was saying-”

“I’ve already told you.”

“Yes but if you were dating it’s okay, Gyu,” Soobin insists, desperation in his voice. “You don’t have to hide-”

Beomgyu shoots up and stares at his manager with fire in his eyes. “I don’t know how many times I have to say this to you but I was not dating him. There is nothing about him that is appealing and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop bringing up the person who ruined my fucking career.”

Soobin jerks back, face filled with hurt. He opens his mouth to say something but he’s interrupted by the apartment door flying open. Beomgyu catches a blur of brown hair before a hand connects with his jaw. It’s not that hard but the shock has him stumbling back and falling onto the couch. He finds Huening Kai glaring down at him, his face twisted in a scowl that’s unlike the calm cook. He pulls his arm back and swings again.

Beomgyu knows he should move but for some reason, he can only stare up at Kai in shock. A split second before the other’s hand would have connected with Beomgyu’s face again, he’s yanked back by Soobin.

“HUENING KAI!” Soobin shrieks. “What-?”

“You,” Kai interrupts, staring daggers at Beomgyu as he tries to shove Soobin off, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Before Beomgyu even has the chance to reply, Kai charges on. “How dare you?”

At that, Beomgyu sees red. His body shakes and he barrels toward Kai. “How dare I? You have a whole lot of nerve coming in here punching me when your friend fucked me over.”

“Yeonjun would never do that, you absolute tool!” Kai exclaims, not backing down as Beomgyu stabs him in the chest with an index finger. “He would never sell out somebody he loves.”

“Kai,” Soobin tries, still holding the other back, “I don’t think Yeonjun is as innocent as you make him out to be. There’s no-”

Kai breaks free of Soobin’s grip and whirls around. He points a shaky finger at the manager and says in a voice of controlled calm, “Watch your fucking mouth, Soobin. Do not speak on Yeonjun’s name as if you know him.” Soobin’s face turns red but Kai doesn’t seem to care. “Why the hell didn’t you talk to me first?”

“It’s none of your business,” Soobin clips. 

“None of my BUSINESS?” Kai repeats face filled with disbelief. “You ruined my best friend’s career!”

“That best friend of yours ruined my best friend’s career!” Soobin counters, staring Kai down through his glasses.

“He did no such thing,” Kai fumes. “I expected impulsive and rash behaviour from somebody to the likes of Beomgyu but you, Soobin, I expected you to have more than one brain cell in that thick head of yours.”

“You,” Soobin breathes out, “are way, way out of line.”

“You two ruined whatever line there may have been when you decided to fuck Yeonjun over for something he didn’t even do,” Kai spits, pushing Soobin back. “Somebody set him up and you two fell right into it.”

“A set-up?” Beomgyu scoffs, remembering his voice. “Really? That’s what you’re going for?”

Kai turns his attention from Soobin back to Beomgyu. “Yeonjun is far from perfect. He has his flaws, just as we all do, but he is as loyal as they come. If you think for one second that he might have even considered doing something like this to somebody he was dating, let alone loves, you are dumber than a sack of rocks.”

“They were not dating,” Soobin cuts in. His eyes flicker to Beomgyu, wary and unsure. “Right?”

Beomgyu doesn’t reply.

“Is that what you’re telling him?” Kai interrogates, disgust written all over his face. “Do you think if you deny it, it’ll make what you did any better?” 

“I didn’t do anything,” Beomgyu states flatly.

Kai stares at Beomgyu for a silent moment. The red leaves his face and in a quiet voice, he says, “I told you once that if you did anything to hurt him I’d find a way to ruin your career. It seems that is already being handled for me so I will say that I do not want you near him. If I find you even thinking about it, I will make your life even more of a mess than it is now.” He levels a pitiful, disappointed look at Beomgyu. “You do not deserve to have been loved by him.”

With that, he speed walks his way to the door. 

Soobin stares at him for a beat, face filled with confusion, before going after him. 

“Kai,” he calls, reaching out to grab the other’s hand, “wait-”

“Do not touch me!” Kai snaps, yanking his hand out of Soobin’s hold. “I want you and your idol to stay far away from Yeonjun and I. You’ve done enough.”

Then he’s out of the door, slamming it so loudly it makes Soobin jump. The apartment remains silent as Soobin and Beomgyu stare at the door.

A sick, cold feeling crawls up Beomgyu’s stomach.

“If what we did was right,” Soobin whispers, “why do I feel so sick about it all?”

Beomgyu wishes he has an answer.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

It takes two days for Beomgyu to get angry all over again.

Yeonjun is the one who sold him out. Why is he being made to feel bad? Nobody except Soobin is on his side. He needs to find the other and get him to confess so this can all be over and done with. The problem is that the dancer isn’t at his apartment. Hoards of paparazzi camp outside the complex but Beomgyu finds no signs of life in the apartment. 

There are only two places the other can be- Huening Kai’s house or Haechan and Lee Know’s apartment. He chances Lee Know and Haechan’s place first. If Yeonjun’s not there he’ll get a second chance to find the dancer at Kai’s. Going to Kai first will end in disaster. Beomgyu’s been staying with Soobin and has watched people come in to collect Kai’s belongings. Every night he hears Soobin on the phone in an argument. It never seems to end well because the next day Soobin’s passed out on the sofa with an empty bottle of whiskey. Beomgyu can’t help but feel responsible for the mess. He didn’t even think about how this would affect Soobin’s relationship. His manager seems so worn out and tired it’s easy for Beomgyu to slip out without being noticed now and then. 

On a late Friday afternoon, he waits for Soobin to leave before he sneaks out and makes his way to the apartment. He’s dropped Yeonjun off here a few times after practice and sometimes he and Soobin would fetch him for practice from their place so he knows the route. He takes a cab since his cars are at his apartment and makes sure to cover his face with a mask, sunglasses and a bucket hat. 

Once he hops out of the cab he walks up to the gate, paying no mind to the familiar car that pulls up beside him. He types the code Yeonjun’s punched in so many times before into the gate’s keypad. 

Just as the door buzzes open, a voice asks, “What happened to your phone?” 

Beomgyu jumps and whips around to find Minjun. 

“What are you doing here?” Beomgyu baffles.

The last time he was with Minjun had been in New York when everything went to shit. He hadn’t been in contact with the other since, turning his phone off to prevent himself from looking at what the headlines were saying about him.

“I have been trying to get a hold of you for days,” Minjun says. “You weren’t at your apartment. I knew your manager wouldn’t want me to see you either so I followed you here.” Minjun looks up at the apartment building. “Why are we here?”

He looks tired and annoyed, dressed unlike himself in plain track pants and a matching sweater. 

Beomgyu lets an impatient noise out. “I am here, not you. You need to leave.”

Minjun drags his sharp eyes back down to look at Beomgyu, unimpressed. “Had you answered my calls, texts or come to see me we would not be here right now.”

“I do not have time for this,” Beomgyu mutters, stepping through the gate and meaning to close it on Minjun.

Minjun shoots his foot out to stop it and forces the gate open. “I would like to be doing better things with my time too, mind you. But I saw the news and I needed to tell you something.”

Beomgyu glares at his friend in frustration before yanking the gate shut behind him. “Whatever it is, it’s going to have to wait.”

Without waiting for a response, he charges up the stairs. He prays that Minjun gives up and waits for him downstairs but he hears the other’s footsteps behind him. Beomgyu picks up his pace in hopes to tire Minjun out.

“Beomgyu,” he hisses through panted breaths somewhere from behind, “would you just stop for a minute?”

Beomgyu ignores the other and continues to jog up the stairs until they reach the fifth floor where he knows the apartment is. Minjun is not too far behind him but Beomgyu doesn’t wait for him as he walks down the long hallway. 

Once he reaches the door that reads 1989, he raps on the door loudly. He turns around and sees Minjun arrive at the top of the staircase. He raps on the door again and bounces his leg, both from anxiety and impatience.

A moment later, he hears the door click and unlock. It swishes open to reveal… Taehyun.

He stares at Beomgyu. “You are not supposed to be here.”

He tries swinging the door shut but Beomgyu catches it with his foot and shoves his way in. 

“Where is he?” Beomgyu asks, eyes scanning the apartment.

“Beomgyu,” Taehyun calls, “get- what are you doing here?”

Beomgyu ignores him and throws open the first door he finds. 

Bathroom.

There’s some commotion behind him but he moves forward and throws open another door. 

Posters of that idol Mark, a deep red wall decorated with pictures of dance, an empty bed.

No Yeonjun.

Beomgyu shuts the door and moves to the last one. 

“Beomgyu.”

It’s two voices this time. He turns to find Taehyun and Minjun looking at him with different expressions. Taehyun with anger and Minjun with frustration.

“You need to leave,” Taehyun tells him, big eyes boring into Beomgyu. “You know nothing good will come out of this.”

“You know what’s great about the entire world believing you’re a bad person?” Beomgyu asks them. “You don’t have to spend time trying to be a good person. Nobody will believe you anyway. The two of you are already convinced that I'm a bad person for doing what I did but you didn’t stop to think how it felt for me. I don’t care enough to explain it but I deserve answers. If I have to be a bad person to get them, then so be it. Not like it’ll change how either of you think of me but at least I get what I want.”

With that, he whips around and flings the door open.

Deep blue walls, a large scratch post with a tiny and alarmed looking cat sitting atop it, Yeonjun fast asleep in bed and…. Sungjin.

Holding his hand.

“Oh dear God…” Minjun mutters from behind. “Of fucking course.”

“What are you doing here?” Sungjin asks, shooting up to his feet.

Beomgyu zeroes in on the hand that holds Yeonjun’s and feels his stomach give a violent lurch. He looks up at Sungjin and says, “I could ask the same thing.”

Before any of them can stop him, he strides toward the bed and yanks the covers off of Yeonjun. Ignoring the protests and noises of disbelief, he grips Yeonjun’s arm and gives him a hard tug.

The other bolts upright, spine straightening as he quickly assesses the room.

“Rise and shine!” Beomgyu exclaims with a fake smile. “Why did you do it?”

“Beomgyu,” Minjun calls, voice filled with exhaustion. “I know you never listen to me but I’m asking you, just this one time. Please can we leave? For your own sake.”

Ignoring Minjun, Beomgyu stares at Yeonjun who blinks rapidly, the increasing panic becoming clearer in his eyes the more alert he becomes. He turns to Taehyun, opening and closing his mouth without any sound coming out.

“Don’t look at him,” Beomgyu snaps. “I’m asking you a question. Cat got your tongue?”

“Don’t talk to him like that,” Sungjin warns.

“Sungjin,” Minjun clips. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Why did you do it?” Beomgyu repeats, ignoring everybody else except Yeonjun. “I’m right here.”

Yeonjun looks back at Beomgyu, his mouth still opening and closing like a fish, with no reply. His eyes start watering and his breath quickens.

“No way,” Beomgyu mumbles. “You ruin the one good thing I have going on and you can’t even tell me why?”

Yeonjun shakes his head so hard it’s enough to make Beomgyu dizzy just looking at him. He reaches out, maybe to shake an answer out of him or just to remember what it’s like to touch him, but Taehyun jumps between the two and smacks his hand away.

“Do not touch him, Beomgyu,” Taehyun warns. His face is red enough to match the dyed hair that’s slowly fading. He’s never looked at Beomgyu with such anger before. “Don’t you dare.”

It’s this that breaks Beomgyu down. He doesn’t know where the tears come from but they’re suddenly there, matching Yeonjun’s and streaming down his cheeks.

“Please, June,” Beomgyu begs, falling to the floor and pulling his hair. “I need to understand why. I keep racking my brain and nothing makes sense. Was it because I wasn’t around? Because I didn’t answer your calls?” He pulls on his hair hard enough that he feels some strands break loose. “Give me something, even if it’s a lie. I’m going crazy here. I can’t wrap my head around why you’d do something like this to me. It’s like I’m living in a personal hell. I thought you cared about me, I thought you-”

“It was Sungjin.”

Everything in the room freezes. Even the cat seems to be holding its breath.

Beomgyu stares at the floor for a full minute before turning around slowly and looking at Minjun.

Minjun looks down at him with a sad expression on his face. “It wasn’t Yeonjun that leaked your song. It was Sungjin.”

Beomgyu blinks at Minjun before turning to look at Sungjin whose face is wiped blank. All Beomgyu can muster is a quiet, “What?”

Minjun sighs and rubs his face. “If you had just listened to me…” He pushes his hair back and glances at Sungjin. “Aren’t you tired of it all? The resentment? The unspoken feelings?” When Sungjin doesn’t answer, Minjun shakes his head. “You’ll have to forgive me, Jin. You know what he means to me.” He takes a deep breath and looks back at Beomgyu. “Yeonjun had nothing to do with your song being leaked. He was just… unfortunate enough to be liked a lot by Sungjin.”

“What-?” Beomgyu stops himself and clears his throat. “What do you mean?”

Minjun looks at Yeonjun. “The laptop.”

The minute the words leave his mouth, Yeonjun’s eyes widen in realisation. He slaps a hand over his mouth and looks at Sungjin, the tears still streaming down his face.

“Laptop?” Beomgyu repeats, voice filled with irritation. “Minjun can you please just tell me what the fuck you’re on about.”

“Sungjin bought Yeonjun a Macbook for his birthday,” Minjun tells him, sounding more tired than he ever has. “Yeonjun didn’t use it until the Walkman you gave him broke. He put the song on there to work with, felt guilty that he didn’t feel the same way about Sungjin and returned the laptop without wiping it.” The more he speaks, the more Beomgyu feels the walls close in on him. “Sungjin showed me the song. Funny thing is, he was so proud of you. He loved the song. We both did.” Minjun stops to look at Sungjin with sad eyes. Sungjin has defaulted to remaining still, as if they can’t see him if he doesn’t move. “We didn’t say anything, wanted you to think it was a surprise. Everything was going well until New York happened.”

Beomgyu thinks about the days leading up to New York, how things with his two friends finally felt good, like the old days. He remembers feeling so happy that not all was completely lost. Then that interview happened.

Sungjin had been so angry. It had been like a volcano exploding. He hadn’t seen Sungjin like that before since they became friends. Nothing Beomgyu said calmed him down, nothing he said to try and explain his feelings for Yeonjun seemed to get through to him. Minjun tried playing the middleman but it did little to help anybody. Sungjin booked the next flight home and Minjun followed. Beomgyu had been too preoccupied with everything else going on to try and fix it. He realises now what a big mistake that was.

“Sungjin sweet-talked his way to Dal,” Minjun continues. “You know how good he is with people and words. He gave him the laptop and that was that. Yeonjun being at Stellar Stars was unplanned. It just made everything more believable. He didn’t know Dal and he wasn’t hired by the prick.” Minjun reaches out to poke Sungjin. “Cat’s out of the bag, Jin. It’s over, okay? I’m sorry but I did tell you. It’s always been him.”

Sungjin unfreezes and looks at Minjun, his face unreadable. “I never stood a chance, did I?”

Minjun’s face twists. He opens his mouth but before he can say anything, Sungjin darts out of the room.

Beomgyu wants to follow him, wants to ask what he did to make his best friend hate him so much, but his legs refuse to work.

Minjun looks after him, something pained in his expression as he says, “Honesty is cruel.”

Without another word, he leaves.

For the longest time, nobody says anything. It leaves Beomgyu with enough time to process what he did and what he said to Yeonjun.

As if reading his mind, Yeonjun breaks the insufferable silence.

“I told you,” Yeonjun chokes out. Beomgyu drags his eyes to the other and finds him shaking. Taehyun opens his mouth to say something but shuts it quickly and wraps his arms around the other instead. “I told- told you I would never do that. Why didn’t you believe me?”

“I don’t know, June,” Beomgyu cries, trying to stop his own shaking. “I don’t know.”

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

It’s raining.

Of course it is.

It’s like everything is trying to remind Beomgyu how much he fucked up.

He continues to run despite the drops smacking down on his head. He doesn’t think that he was followed in this storm but if the last few weeks have taught him anything it’s that the paparazzi will do anything to get their hands on juicy information. Part of him just hopes that the storm damaging their equipment is enough to deter them.

The roads and scenery are barely visible but this isn’t the first time he’s ran in this area without much sight. Sungjin, Minjun and Beomgyu would always stay out late and try getting home before their parents found out they were missing. Since the street lights in their area were faulty, the three of them found themselves running in the dark with nothing but the foggy moonlight as a guide. 

At the memory of his friends, Beomgyu’s legs give out.

He lands with a hard SMACK on the concrete, scraping his knees and hitting his chin in the process. The air in his lungs is sucked right out and he rolls over to try and catch his breath. As he stares up into the dark sky with the rain beating down on his face, he thinks about how nice it would be to just stay there.

If he lays long enough, maybe the rain will wear down his skin and bones. He’ll wither away. All of his problems would disappear too. Nothing to think about, nothing to hurt him, nothing to feel guilty over. It would melt away along with his life force. 

He touches his cheek.

He can’t tell if it’s wet from the rain or if he’s crying.

With closed eyes, he flips onto his stomach. Ever so slowly, he puts his palms to the wet floor and lifts himself up.

And he walks.

It’s more of a half jog half limp but he gets up. He can’t tell anybody why but he moves through the rain and takes a right turn down the familiar road he played in as a child. The house he grew up in looks the same as it did when he was a child. Except somehow smaller. Rain-soaked and bleeding in a few spots, he drags himself to the front door and knocks loudly.

He can’t hear anything except the rain so he’s unsure if anybody inside heard the first knock. He raises his hand to try again but the door opens slightly and reveals the face of his mother.

Like the house, she hasn’t changed. Still the same beautiful woman with shoulder-length hair that curls at the tips and a crease on her forehead from years spent frowning at clients and papers. 

Her look of irritation transforms into one of shock when she realises that it’s him.

“Beommie?” she asks, uncertain and confused.

“Hi, ma,” he manages to choke out before he bursts into tears.

In a split second, his mother reaches out and engulfs him in a tight hug even though he’s dripping wet. It only makes him cry harder.

He forgot what it’s like to be hugged by her.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

“You were never careful,” his mother mutters under her breath as she cleans up the cut on his knee. “Even growing up.”

Beomgyu can only look down at her and think how he never imagined he’d be back in this house, with his mother cleaning his cut.

She pulled him inside earlier after hugging him and ushered him to the bathroom to shower. Once he was out, he found his room as he left it. Crime novels stacked neatly on top of one another from the floor up, pale green walls with pictures of Sungjin, Minjun and him as kids stuck up. The room clearly had been kept the same and was only cleaned now and then. On his bed, he found a set of clothes that fit him perfectly. His mother was in the kitchen cooking chicken soup like she always did on cold and rainy days. Only after he had eaten did she take him to her room to clean up his cuts.

He takes a look around the room and finds a shelf with his albums on them.

“I bought every single one of them,” she says without looking up from his knee. “Your dad even keeps a newspaper clipping of you in his wallet.”

Beomgyu’s mouth dries and he feels his eyes water. “Ma, you were right. I should have never become an idol.”

His mother’s head snaps up at that. “Beommie-”

“It was never meant for me,” he continues, unable to stop his babbling. “Sungjin should’ve gotten the callback and I should’ve become a doctor or something like you guys wanted. You were right to kick me out.”

His mother shakes her head, a look of regret on her face. “Beomgyu, if I could take back one thing it would be kicking you out.” Beomgyu opens his mouth to protest but she cuts him off. “I’ve seen all the things you’ve been through in the news. You haven’t had it easy and I can’t help but think that if I were there for you, you would’ve been better off.” 

He’s crying again before he knows it. It’s been so long since he heard his mother's voice, so long since he ate her food and felt her comfort.

“Oh Beommie,” his mother whispers and reaches up to hug him. “My parents left me to fend for myself when I was eighteen. I really thought I was doing the right thing. They never apologised for their abuse and I thought I’d never get the chance to apologise for mine but here you are, by some miracle. I thought I’d have to go to the grave with my mistake.” She cards through his hair like she did every time he cried as a child after some silly injury. “I’m breaking the cycle and apologising. I should not have left you. I can’t give you all the years I lost back but I can be here for you now.”

“I messed up, ma,” he chokes out, voice muffled by her hair. “I messed everything up.”

“Beommie,” she whispers, using her free hand to rub circles on his back. “Nothing has been easy for you. I haven’t been there but I can tell that much. You’re still standing on your two feet. Don’t you think that counts for something?” She pulls back and puts a hand on his cheek. “There is something to be said about trying. I don’t know what happened, or why you think this isn’t fixable but you came to me for a reason and I think it’s because you want somebody to see that you’re still trying.”

He’s trying so hard.

She looks at him with soft, brown eyes, almost similar to the ones that look back at him in the mirror every day.

“Whatever this is,” she carries on, making sure to look him in the eye as she speaks, “you will get through it. I raised a superstar but I also raised a boy who would always get back up whenever he fell off of his bike.” She brushes his hair back with a smile warm enough to make Beomgyu feel okay, even if it’s for a minute. “And if all else fails, I’ll sue whoever’s making you sad. I am a lawyer after all.”

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Beomgyu spends a week at home with his parents.

It’s not enough to make up for all the lost time but cooking with his mother and helping his dad with all the spreadsheets he attends to rebuilds something inside of him. He knows he can’t run away from his problems for longer. Only Soobin knows where he is and even though it must kill him, he refrains from texting Beomgyu. Beomgyu leaves on Sunday and after promising to see his parents more, he heads straight for Sungjin’s.

Being at home, surrounded by his childhood, only reminded him of all he needs to sort through with Minjun and Sungjin. He chooses Sungjin first because there are a few things he needs clarification on before he approaches Minjun. He’s stayed at Sungjin’s apartment before, more before he debuted and when things got too suffocating in the trainee dorms. 

One night, in particular, he found himself at Sungjin’s place with no intention of making it to the next day.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

“The idol has been involved in another drug scandal…”

Click.

“Dispatch has released more pictures of the idol with a model looking cosy…”

Click.

“Dal has denied dating rumours, claiming that BG is trying to keep himself relevant…”

Click.

“The idol claims to have…”

Click.

Before the perky presenter on the TV can open her mouth, he switches it off and stares at the blank screen.

Don’t search yourself and don’t watch any news about you. 

Soobin had drilled it into his head since he debuted.

Tonight is different. 

He expects himself to feel sad or angry like he’s been feeling these past months but all that comes over his body is quiet. Somewhere on his desk, his phone buzzes. Beomgyu doesn’t have to check it to know that it’s Soobin trying to check up on him. His manager has been worried since the incident with Dal. It resulted in him texting Beomgyu every hour of the day. He doesn’t even want Beomgyu to be home alone so he’s staying at Sungjin’s for a bit. Everywhere else has been too loud. At least being at Sungjin’s means the other is away for work for most of the day.

Which leaves Beomgyu alone, free to do what he’d like.

He searches the apartment.

There’s the closet.

He’d need to drag a chair there and use one of Sungjin’s belts. The closet is small. Beomgyu imagines how sad it would be for Sungjin to walk in to change out of his work clothes and bump into his hanging body. He crosses out the possibility.

The kitchen is clean. 

Small and tidy with one table and two chairs. Sungjin lives alone and the only people who come over are Beomgyu and Minjun so it’s not like he needs a lot of space. Beomgyu shuffles over to the kitchen sink and opens the cabinet below to find the bottle of bleach. The bright white bottle is enough to make him squint. He opens the cap and sniffs it. His stomach gives a violent lurch imagining the acidic taste so he closes it and puts it back in place.

He leans against the counter and his eyes catch on the glint of silver knives. 

Too messy.

He discards the thought and pours a glass of whiskey before going back to the bedroom and turns on the TV, quickly switching from the news to a kid’s cartoon. The bright colours flash across the screen and he downs two glasses of whiskey while watching something about a talking dog. When he can’t focus enough on the show anymore, he lays down on the bed. 

He closes his eyes and imagines himself far away from here and how nice it would be to just not wake up.

Nothing painful, nothing that would inconvenience Sungjin, nothing that would make a big news headline.

Just a deep sleep he never has to wake up from.

Wait.

He gets up sluggishly to rummage through his bag that he brought with him for his stay. It takes him a while to find the clear orange bottle because of the alcohol in his system but once he does, he holds it up. So stupid. He forgot Soobin had given him a few when he complained about not being able to sleep.

The pills almost look like candy if he squints.

He pours the few he has left and downs it with a shot of whiskey.

It’s probably not enough to kill him, he realises, eyes struggling to keep open. Maybe it’ll knock him out for a bit.

He doesn’t recall running bath water or getting in fully clothed.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep.

He does remember how nice the hot water felt around his body, and how his brain was empty for the first time in ages.

He remembers the steam in the bathroom moisturizing his skin, and how it smelled like lavender because of Sungjin’s air freshener.

Then he remembers drowning.

It’s something he’ll always remember.

The jarring feeling of water in your lungs. Your mouth and nose try to help you breathe but all it does is worsen it, pulling more and more water into the thing that’s meant to hold air.

His legs and arms aren’t working too.

He can’t tell you why. Maybe the sleeping pills and alcohol had caught up to him, or maybe the sheer panic had caused them to freeze.

Whatever the case, they won’t operate like they’re supposed to.

So there he is.

Vision swimming.

Arms and legs limp.

Lungs giving out.

And he realises that he doesn’t even want to die.

After all of that, he doesn’t want to die.

He has nothing to live for, he knows that much, but he doesn’t want to die either. He can’t tell you why, maybe won’t ever get the chance to think about it, but he doesn’t want to die.

Water everywhere now.

Eyes.

He doesn’t want to die.

Nose.

He doesn’t want to die.

Mouth.

He. Doesn’t. Want. To. die.

Lungs.

He-

Black. Nothing. Silence. Cold.

“Oh come on,” a voice from somewhere in the dark begs, “not like this, please, not like this…”

Another long moment of nothingness.

Then-

His eyes fly open.

With it, his mouth opens too as a finger travels down his throat.

He bolts upright and throws up on the side, his body doubling over in pain as water, whiskey and his food from lunch all come pouring out. The clothing on his body sticks to his freezing skin miserably but he feels two strong and steady hands pat his back and hold his arm. Once everything in his body is out, he falls back to the floor and starts crying. The hands drag him back from his mess and into the steady arms.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sungjin cries, holding Beomgyu so close to him that Beomgyu can feel him shake. “What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.”

Through silent tears and chattering teeth, all Beomgyu can muster is a hoarse, “I’m sorry.”

It only makes Sungjin cry harder. “You idiot, you fucking idiot you could... you could have- you were… oh my God, Gyu.” Beomgyu feels the other’s tears soak into his already wet hair. “You weren’t there for a minute I thought- oh God, don’t ever do that again.”

“Swear you won’t tell anybody, Jin,” Beomgyu coughs, shivering from the cold.

He can’t let anybody know.

When Sungjin doesn’t respond, Beomgyu forces his broken body to turn around and face his friend. His face is twisted in hurt, cheeks stained and hair a dishevelled mess. 

“Swear it,” Beomgyu repeats, desperation leaking into his voice as he clutches his friend’s hand. “Swear it, Jin.”

“I won’t, Gyu,” Sungjin sobs, pulling him closer again. “Just don’t fucking do it again.”

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Sungjin opens the door of his apartment.

“Hello-?”

Beomgyu punches him.

Sungjin stumbles back in shock. Beomgyu takes a moment to close the door behind him before he steps toward Sungjin and punches him again.

“Why did you save me that day if all you were going to do is hate me and fuck up my life?” he interrogates, glaring at the boy who was once his best friend. “Why? Was it just not my time yet?”

Sungjin doesn’t say anything. He wipes his bleeding nose and brushes his dyed hair to the side, levelling a steady look at Beomgyu. Beomgyu expects him to throw a punch but he stands still. Frustrated, Beomgyu throws another punch. Sungjin takes the hit across his jaw and rocks back on his heels but remains standing.

“Give me a fucking answer, Sungjin,” Beomgyu hisses, punching him in his ribs this time. Sungjin grunts but takes it. “Why?”

Another punch.

Still, he doesn’t fight back.

“SPEAK for fuck’s sake!” Beomgyu screams, throwing one punch after the other now. Sungjin backs up to the wall. “Tell me what I did to make you hate me so much.”

Punch.

“It’s the very least you could do since you fucked up my life.”

And another.

“WHAT DID I DO?”

Another.

“Come on man,” Beomgyu begs, anger turned into desperation now as Sungjin sinks to the floor, “Give me something, anything. I just need to understand what I did to you.”

Sungjin sits on the floor, bloodied and bruised but silent, still not defending himself.

Beomgyu pulls his leg back and delivers a hard kick to the other’s ribs. His foot catches on Sungjin’s knee and he falls to the floor right next to his friend. He stays on the floor, breathing heavily and covering his eyes as tears leak out of them.

“We were supposed to be best friends, Jin,” he chokes out, a mixture of frustration and hurt clogging his throat up. “I would have taken a bullet for you. Why did you save me if all you were going to do is shoot me?” He swallows the lump in his throat and curls onto his side. “You should’ve just left me to die.”

For the longest time, the only sound in the room is from the footsteps overhead in the apartment above them.

“You’re my best friend,” Sungjin voices, quietly, like he’s scared of disturbing something. “Of course I saved you.”

“Best friends don’t do what you did, Sungjin,” Beomgyu says, still curled into a ball. “Do you know how hard I worked on that fucking song? How hard it was to take back charge after being a puppet for so long? How much I lo- how much Yeonjun means to me?” Sungjin doesn’t reply. “It’s all fucking gone now.”

Overheard he can hear the footsteps.

Tap tap tap.

“Sometimes I wish you liked yourself more,” Sungjin says after a moment. “It would make things easier.”

Beomgyu uncurls himself and sits up to look at Sungjin. He’s bleeding in a few places and his eye is swollen.

“If you did, it would’ve been easier to hate you. Or at least, pretend that I do,” Sungjin continues, his eyes far away.

“What are you on about?” Beomgyu asks, sniffing.

Sungjin stares up at the ceiling in silence as he speaks. “You’ve never noticed how much people liked you, or how much they bend to your will. It drives me crazy.” He looks at Beomgyu. “Did you know that Minjun’s in love with you?”

Beomgyu blinks. “He is not.”

“Sure,” Sungjin agrees, touching his cheek. “And water is not wet.”

“Seriously,” Beomgyu says with a frown. “Even if that’s true, what does it have to do with anything?”

“It’s important because everything comes back to that,” Sungjin tells him, looking at the blood on his hand. “You not believing that anybody could love you enough that they’d move mountains for you. Not your parents, not Minjun, not your manager.”

“What-?”

“I was in love with Minjun,” Sungjin cuts in, getting up and disappearing into the bathroom. “Not for a long time now, but for a while in middle school, all the way through to high school.”

Beomgyu blinks. “What?”

“I’m sure you heard me,” Sungjin says, returning from the bathroom with tissues and offering some to Beomgyu.

“I did,” Beomgyu confirms, accepting the tissue and patting his nose. “I just… you never told me.”

“Why would I?”

“We told each other everything,” Beomgyu replies, feeling hurt. “Used to, anyway.”

“He was- he is -in love with you,” Sungjin reiterates, using the tissue to dab his wounds. “Why would I tell you my feelings for him when I knew all Minjun could see was you?”

Beomgyu chews on the inside of his cheek. “Is that why you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Then why all the anger? Why all the backstabbing?” Beomgyu counters. “If you don’t hate me then why did you make me feel awful all the time?”

Sungjin sighs, tired and full of exasperation. “I’m jealous, Beomgyu. Is that not obvious enough to you?” He pauses. “Don’t answer that, actually. I know what you’ll say. It’s not just your fame.” Beomgyu opens his mouth but Sungjin beats him to it. “ Then what is it? There’s nothing else to be jealous about.” Beomgyu shuts his mouth. It’s exactly what he was going to say. Sungjin shoots him a knowing look. “This is why I said it would be easier if you liked yourself more.”

He gets up and offers a hand to Beomgyu. Beomgyu accepts it with confusion and Sungjin takes them to the mirror that’s attached to the door of his closet.

“Do you know why I keep these blue contacts in?” he asks, making them stand beside each other. “And why my hair is never the same colour as yours?”

“We look similar,” Beomgyu answers. 

Sungjin nods his head. “You know, one time we were at a party. You were off doing Beomgyu things. Minjun was drunk. He kissed me thinking it was you.”

Beomgyu’s jaw drops. “You’re kidding.”

“Would be a little bit of a wild joke, don’t you think?” Sungjin asks. “He wasn’t the first person but it was the one that hurt the most.” He frowns at himself in the mirror. “I’ve been second to you my entire life, Beomgyu. If it was something as small as love maybe I wouldn’t have turned out so bitter but second-grade races turned into relationships, relationships turned into dreams and soon, I was behind you in everything.” He traces a finger down Beomgyu’s nose then his own. “I look like you, yeah, but not enough that people want to choose me. My nose is slightly bigger, eyes small, chin too sharp. It’s the same idea as everything else. If you’re just the right amount of anything, I am always lacking a bit of it. I've felt like an off-brand version of you for as long as we were friends.” 

He leaves Beomgyu at the mirror and walks back to the bedroom. Beomgyu blinks at himself and tries to see what Sungjin’s talking about. 

“I tried to make up for it,” Sungjin says from the bedroom. “It’s what you and Minjun call my charm or my ability to sweet talk. Sometimes it would work but all it did was make me overly aware of what I lacked because there you were, being yourself, and everybody loved you. My parents, Minjun and his parents, casting agents…

Beomgyu shakes his head and goes back to the room. Sungjin sits on the floor, staring at nothing in particular. He looks up at Beomgyu. “Jealousy doesn’t even feel like the right word. Maybe it was envy. Whatever it was, I felt it grow every day until it became this…. thick thing that would sit on my shoulder. A reminder every hour of the day that no matter what I do, I’m not enough.”

He puts his head in his hands as Beomgyu takes a seat opposite him. “You never knew because you didn’t care enough about what other people thought. Sometimes I’d try to convince myself you weren’t a good person, to try and make it all bearable. All it did was make me hate myself because I knew that wasn’t the case. It was just me and my feelings. I don’t expect you to understand or to forgive me. I’m not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me. You want to know why I did what I did with Yeonjun, it’s because I felt something inside me burst. I wanted to- to be somebody’s first choice. Just once.”

Beomgyu feels a lump the size of a marble form in his throat. How long had he been friends with Sungjin? All those years, and he never noticed how unhappy his friend was. Beomgyu wasn’t helping him in the least.

“Jin,” Beomgyu tries, “You know I would never have- if I had known-”

“You ask why I saved you that night,” Sungjin interrupts, lifting his head. He has a pained look on his face. “It’s because you’re my best friend, Gyu. I saved you because I can’t begin to imagine living a life without you in it. After everything, that’s what I see you as.”

“Best friends don’t do what you did, Jin,” Beomgyu whispers. “They just… don’t.”

“I know,” Sungjin mumbles, wiping away some tears that mixed with the bloodstains on his face. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Beomgyu lets out a deep breath. “Me too.”

And that’s that.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

On his way out to see Minjun, Beomgyu is greeted by an angry Taehyun.

With a sigh, Beomgyu says, “Taehyun I know I fucked up but-”

“I have never thought of you as a bad person,” he fumes. “Not a single time.”

Beomgyu blinks in shock. “What?”

“Just because you have a low opinion of yourself doesn’t mean we all do,” Taehyun carries on, shoving past Beomgyu to pace in his apartment.

“I’m a little lost,” Beomgyu admits, scratching his head.

Taehyun groans in frustration. “You just assumed I took Yeonjun’s side, didn’t you?”

Beomgyu frowns. “Well, didn’t you? You looked pretty upset the other day.”

“That’s because you barged in on somebody else’s apartment and looked like you were going to punch him,” Taehyun points out. “Did you bother answering any of my calls or messages?”

Beomgyu opens his mouth but closes it quickly. He hadn’t.

Taehyun stops pacing and looks at him pointedly. “Exactly. How am I supposed to be there for you if you ignore me?”

Beomgyu doesn’t have an answer so he says, “I’m sorry?”

Taehyun looks at Beomgyu and sighs. “You are an idiot.”

He strides forward and reaches up to engulf Beomgyu in a hug. “Listen. I am best friends with Yeonjun. But that doesn’t cancel out our friendship. Okay? Whatever happened is beyond complicated. I’m not taking sides but I can’t support you if you don’t let me.”

Beomgyu nods his head and tries to hold back tears. He wraps his arms around Taehyun. He thought he lost his friend.

“Now,” Taehyun says, pulling back. “Tell me how you’re going to fix this mess.”

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Beomgyu holds the tin of biscuits he baked with his mum in his left hand and knocks on Minjun’s front door. He looks back. The company car waits for him to go inside. Soobin’s been agitated about leaving him alone but Beomgyu wonders if it has anything to do with his manager not wanting to be alone himself. He’s not sure what the situation is with Huening Kai but he doesn’t think it’s improved.

His thoughts are interrupted when the front door swings open to reveal a boy about half his height, similarly looking to Minjun. Hyejun inherited most of his dad’s features with his round ears and full cheeks. The only sharp thing about him is his nose.

“Wow,” Beomgyu muses. Hyejun had been tiny the last time he saw the younger. “Haven’t you grown?”

Hyejun’s jaw drops. He whips his head around and screams at full volume, “MUM! DAD! MINJUN! BG FINALLY CAME HOME!”

He whips back around and stares up at Beomgyu with wide eyes, blinking rapidly like he’s afraid Beomgyu might not be real. Before Beomgyu can say anything, he surges forward and attaches himself to Beomgyu’s legs. 

“Oh, hey,” Beomgyu says softly, ignoring his throat threatening to close on him, “I missed you too.”

“DID YOU REALLY?” Hyejun shouts, jumping up and down. 

“Of course,” Beomgyu tells him, ruffling his hair. “How could I not miss my little brother?”

Hyejun squeals and Beomgyu can only smile.

“What are you on about this time?” Beomgyu hears Minjun say somewhere in the house. Footsteps sound before the door opens wider and Minjun appears. He opens his mouth, no doubt ready to reprimand Hyejun, but stops short when he finds Beomgyu. 

“MINNIE LOOK!” Hyejun shouts, loud enough to make the older ones wince. “IT’S BG! I TOLD YOU HE DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT US.”

Minjun looks down at Hyejun and back up at Beomgyu, seemingly at a loss for words. Before he can reply, another person pops up behind them.

“What’s with all the screaming- BEOMMIE?” the tall woman exclaims once she pops her head out.

“Erm, hi Mrs Park,” he greets Minjun’s mother, shuffling on his feet a little awkwardly. “Long time no see?”

“Who are you calling Mrs Park?” she exclaims, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck and pepper his cheek with kisses. “It’s Chohee to you, old stranger.”

Beomgyu hugs her back equally as tight and swallows the increasing guilt he feels building up. He really abandoned an entire part of his life. Soon, Minjun’s dad’s at the door, clapping his back and blabbering about nothing Beomgyu manages to catch because there’s too much chatter happening.

“BG!” Hyejun shouts, “I KEEP TELLING EVERYBODY AT SCHOOL THAT I KNOW YOU BUT THEY DON’T BELIEVE ME!”

“Dear, you must have dinner with us! It’s been too long,” Chohee says, tugging him inside.

“Son,” Minjun’s dad says with a scratch of his beard, “I’ve been watching this drama recently and it ended on quite the cliffhanger. I don’t suppose you’re friends with one of the actors?”

“Okay, that is enough!” Minjun cuts in, raising his voice in irritation. He shoots his family a meaningful look and they all quiet. He turns to Beomgyu, confusion written all over his face. “Sorry. Did you need something?”

“I wanted to talk,” Beomgyu tells him. He holds out the tin of biscuits. “I, erm, also brought you the biscuits that I made.”

Minjun looks at the tin of biscuits and the back up at Beomgyu, looking even more confused than he was moments ago. 

“Okay,” he mumbles, turning around and heading to his room. “Come on then.”

“Oh Beommie don’t you want to have dinner?” Chohee insists, pulling on his arm. “I haven’t made you your favourite kimbap in so long.”

“Mum,” Minjun says sounding tired, “I’m sure Beomgyu has enough going on-”

“Actually,” Beomgyu interrupts, offering Minjun’s mum a smile, “I’d love to stay for dinner. I’ll even help you in the kitchen. I saw my mum recently and she taught me this trick about cooking kimbap.” He turns to Minjun. “We can talk after dinner?”

Minjun stares at him, bewildered and at a loss for words. His eyes flicker to his hopeful mother and Hyejun who is still jumping up and down like somebody fed him ten tablespoons of sugar.

“Okay,” he mutters, scratching the back of his head. “I guess.”

His mother claps her hands in delight and pulls him to the kitchen. “Lovely! I have missed you quite a bit, dear. Tell me about this secret of your mothers now...”

After washing up, Beomgyu begins cutting up vegetables in the kitchen and listens to Chohee rattle on about what Beomgyu’s missed. It’s mostly trivial things like Hyejun winning the spelling bee and how she dyed her hair a lighter shade of brown but it didn’t work so she went back to the darker shade. Hyejun sits in the kitchen too and talks about school and fires off question after question about Beomgyu’s idol life. Minjun’s dad stays silent for the most part, only grunting now and then when something significant happens in the new show he’s watching. Minjun sits on the bar tool and watches quietly.

It’s a bit of a sensory overload considering he spends all of his time alone in a huge apartment, but Beomgyu takes all of it in. The familiarity of it all warms something inside of him and reminds him that not everything is bad.

Dinner passes in a similar manner, lots of chatting and catching up just over good food and some drinks. Beomgyu can’t help but take notice of Minjun more now, his silence and the looks he levels at Beomgyu when he thinks the other isn’t watching. After a long meal, Minjun excuses them from the table.

“I’ll bring you two some jasmine tea in a bit, dear,” Chohee calls out to Beomgyu as he stands up and follows Minjun to his room. “I know you quite enjoyed it when you were younger. It will go well with the biscuits you brought with you.”

“Thank you, Chohee,” Beomgyu says over his shoulder before Minjun closes his door.

Minjun folds his arms over his chest and stares at Beomgyu.

Not knowing what else to do, Beomgyu stares back, holding his tin of biscuits.

“Why is it,” Minjun begins, “that every time I think I’m over you, you go and do something that makes me love you a little more?”

He turns on his heel and walks over to his bed, flopping face-first onto it. “Do not answer that.”

Beomgyu clears his throat. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I can.”

Minjun mumbles something into his pillow that Beomgyu doesn’t catch. He walks over to the bed and places the tin of biscuits on the side table before sitting on the edge and looking down at Minjun. Neither of them say anything for a long time. It’s long enough that his mother is able to drop off the tea she made and leave them before Beomgyu finds the words to say something.

“I spoke to Sungjin,” he pipes up, blowing gently on his tea. “About everything.”

A beat.

“So you know?” Minjun checks.

Beomgyu nods his head then realises that Minjun’s still face first on his pillow. “Yes.”

Minjun doesn’t say anything.

“I didn’t know he felt that way about you,” Beomgyu admits quietly. “I feel awful.”

Minjun turns his head so that he’s looking at Beomgyu. “And why is that?”

“There’s so much I didn’t know because I didn’t bother asking, or just because I wasn’t paying attention.” He looks down at his tea. “I’m sorry, Min.”

“How could you have known? I should’ve told you how I felt. I’m more at fault than you are.”

“Why didn’t you?” Beomgyu asks. “Tell me, I mean.”

Minjun gives a half-hearted shrug. “I knew how you felt. If I confirmed it, it meant I’d have to give up what I had with you. It was the last thing I wanted to do.” He sits up and crosses his legs. “I owe you an apology, Beomgyu. I was unkind to you.”

“It’s okay, you were-”

“Shut up,” Minjun interrupts. “Shut right up. It wasn’t okay. Just because my feelings weren’t reciprocated doesn’t mean I had grounds to be awful to you.”

Beomgyu doesn’t know how to respond so he takes a sip of his tea and lets the heat warm his chest.

“I was hurting a lot,” Minjun admits, picking up his mug of tea and taking a sip before continuing. “Being with you had its moments but it did more harm than good.”

“Why did you let it carry on for so long then?” Beomgyu mumbles, still not fully believing it all. “You cut me off at that party. Couldn’t you have done that sooner if it was that bad?”

Minjun snorts and picks up a biscuit. “You make it sound so easy.” He taps the excess sugar off on the edge of the tin before popping it into his mouth. “People go back to what they think they need, Beomgyu. Not what’s actually good for them.”

They sip their tea in silence.

“That day,” Beomgyu eventually says, draining the last of his tea, “at Haechan and Lee Know’s apartment. You said-”

“-It’s always been him?“ Minjun finishes. He sets the half-empty mug down and rubs his eyes. “I was referring to you, yes. I knew about the song because Sungjin showed it to me. When that shit happened in New York I warned him to not do what I could see he was planning on doing. Weird thing is, I didn’t think he’d actually do it. I misunderstood how much he was hurting, I think because even though I knew he had the song I trusted that he wouldn’t do it.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. A few strands fall in front of his face. “After it happened, he told me I should understand what it’s like to be second. I told him that even if that’s true, it’s always been you. As much as it hurt seeing you in love with somebody else, I knew it would hurt more seeing that ripped from you just when you were allowing yourself to be happy.”

“He was the one that asked you to the dance,” Beomgyu realises, wanting to kick himself. Somebody similar to you, Minjun had said. How fucking stupid of him. “That’s why you didn’t tell me.”

Minjun responds by nodding his head. More strands of his hair fall on his face.

Without thinking much of it, Beomgyu reaches out to brush the loose hair back. Minjun jerks back and eyes Beomgyu. “Why are you here, Beomgyu?”

Beomgyu retracts his hand and twists it on his lap. “When I spoke to Sungjin I think we realised that we couldn’t fix anything. There’s too much there. But you…” Beomgyu untwists his hand and reaches out to hold Minjun’s. “We can fix it. Whatever it is, Min. I understand what I’ve been doing wrong this entire time. We can start fresh.” He squeezes Minjun’s hands insistently. “I’ve already lost so much. Please, don’t let me lose another best friend.”

“Oh Gyu…” Minjun whispers, looking at their hands. “I can’t.”

“Min it’ll be different this time,” Beomgyu begs, trying not to cry, “it’ll be like when we were-”

“Beomgyu, please,” Minjun cuts in, squeezing his eyes shut. “Don’t make this harder for me.”

“Min-”

“I’m in love with you,” Minjun states flatly. “Do you understand that? It’s not a silly crush. I’ve spent years chasing after you, Beomgyu. I can’t do it anymore. It hurts when I’m with you and when I’m not. I can’t be your friend and watch you fall in love with other people.” He lets out a deep breath. “You know, when I saw you falling in love with him my first instinct was to hate him. Hate him and hate you because why wasn’t it me? And then… I kept on asking myself why I was doing that to myself. It made me think of what Sungjin said once- who’s doing more damage: the person who hurt you once or you for reliving the hurt over and over in your head?” He wipes away the tears welling in his eyes out of frustration. “Was it really fair to hate the person who’s unaware they’re hurting me? What about the choice I was actively making to be hurt?”

“I’m sorry, Minjun,” Beomgyu says quietly. “I never meant to cause you so much hurt.”

“It’s not your fault, Beomgyu. That’s what I am trying to tell you,” he cries, punching Beomgyu’s shoulder. “I would love to be in your life, and maybe one day I can be, but I want to stop hurting myself. I don’t want to be a miserable, bitter person my entire life.”

Beomgyu opens his mouth, ready to argue and convince Minjun otherwise but he takes one look at Minjun’s tear-stained face and realises he needs to let go.

“Okay,” he manages to say.

They sit in silence again, Minjun taking another biscuit to nibble on.

“You’re not alone, Beomgyu,” he says with a sniff. “You have to know that. He’s in love with you.”

“I hurt him,” Beomgyu mutters, eyes on an ant that crawls across Minjun’s carpet. “I don’t think we can come back from that. I said some awful things.”

“I doubt you’re the only one who did something wrong,” Minjun points out. “Have you spoken to him since that day?”

Beomgyu shakes his head.

“You’ll never know if you never try,” Minjun says softly. “If you love him that much it’s worth a shot.”

“I don’t even know where to start, Min,” Beomgyu chokes out, thinking about what he said to the dancer.

Minjun reaches out to wipe Beomgyu’s tears away and offers him a small smile. “How about some flowers?”

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

“Are you sure about this?” Soobin mumbles sniffing the bouquet of blue hydrangeas.

Beomgyu looks down at the matching bouquet in his hands. “It said online that they’re supposed to mean you’re sorry.”

“Well,” Soobin says with a wrinkle of his nose, “it's now or never.”

He lifts his fist and knocks on Huening Kai’s door.

“What if he just punches me?” Beomgyu suddenly realises.

“You are on your own then.”

“Gee,” Beomgyu mutters dryly, “so much for right-hand man.”

Soobin opens his mouth but before he can reply, the door swings open to reveal Kai. The smile on his face disappears almost immediately.

“No,” he decides, swinging the door back closed.

Beomgyu’s prepared to argue but just before it shuts, a voice from inside pipes up.

“Huening Kai.”

Yeonjun.

Kai stops the door and looks back. Nobody says anything for a long while but something must happen because Kai looks back to the two of them with a frown and opens the door. He steps to the side and folds his arms over his chest. Beomgyu takes it as a begrudging invite inside so he steps in. He finds Yeonjun sitting on the sofa, curled up in a blanket. Beomgyu’s mouth opens.

He’s lost weight. His eyes are sunken and dark circles sit underneath them. The blue hair that initially annoyed Beomgyu which he eventually grew to love is now plain black. Everything about him is dampened. He stands up and Beomgyu notices with a flinch that he’s wearing the hoodie he gave to the dancer all those months ago.

“Let's go to the garden,” he croaks out. He casts a meaningful look at Kai who sighs and looks at Soobin before nodding at the sofa.

Soobin and Beomgyu exchange a nervous glance before Beomgyu follows Yeonjun out of the house and into the garden.

As they walk through it, Beomgyu thinks of the last time they were here. It was the first time he found himself trusting the dancer enough to open up to them. The garden is the same as it was before except, and maybe this is just because of Beomgyu’s nerves, but it’s quieter.

Yeonjun sits on the grass not too far from the bench they sat on the last time. Beomgyu sits opposite him, not too far but not close either. If he reached out a little further he could touch Yeonjun’s knee. The dancer looks at him with quiet eyes.

Beomgyu swallows and offers the blue hydrangeas out to Yeonjun.

“Do you know what these mean?” he asks, accepting them.

Beomgyu nods his head. “I’m sorry.”

Yeonjun looks down at them. When he doesn’t say anything, Beomgyu adds, “I was going to get pink buttercups since you’re supposed to give those to people you like but I thought an apology would work better in this case.”

Yeonjun looks up at that. “You remembered that?”

“I remember everything you tell me.”

Yeonjun opens his mouth but catches himself. He looks away to the flowerbed near him and eyes a cluster of little orange flowers.

“I’m sorry too,” he eventually says.

“You haven’t done anything,” Beomgyu rushes, “it was all-”

“I should have been more understanding,” Yeonjun cuts in. “About your career and everything that’s happened to you.” He picks at the petals of the hydrangeas in thought. “You warned me before we got together about what it would be like. I want you to understand that at the time, I genuinely did believe I could handle it. As time progressed, it just got harder and harder. I missed you so much that I couldn’t bear it.”

“If it was that bad for you why didn’t you just talk to me June?” Beomgyu whispers.

“Because the small moments I shared with you were enough to make me forget,” he says, laying the bouquet on the grass. “Every time I saw you it was like I forgot how sad I was before. I wrote it off to being dramatic but at times I couldn’t handle it and I’m apologising for taking it out on you. It’s not your fault you can’t be around much.” He takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly before looking at Beomgyu with regret. “And I’m mostly sorry for not remembering to wipe that laptop.”

“That wasn’t your-”

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun interrupts with a choked voice. “As much as we try to sugarcoat it, it was my fault.”

“Sungjin-”

“-Was acting out on emotions he couldn’t control,” Yeonjun completes. “Just as I did when I blew up at you for not being around. Just as you did when the song leaked.”

Beomgyu’s mouth dries thinking about all he had said.

“He came to speak to me,” Yeonjun carries on. “He apologised a thousand times. As much as I want to point the finger at him and say that it’s his fault everything fell apart, the truth of it is that it’s just… us. I treated Sungjin poorly. He didn’t deserve to be used as some means to make you jealous, or as a distraction.” He sighs and shrugs. “And when it comes down to it, all Sungjin did was shoot the gun both you and I loaded for him.”

“Yeonjun, I’m sorry,” Beomgyu pleads, pulling at the grass to prevent himself from reaching out to touch the other’s cheek. “I shouldn’t have said all that to you. I should have trusted-”

“Please,” Yeonjun lets out in a shaky breath, shutting his eyes tightly, “I’m trying very hard to look past all of that.” 

Beomgyu holds his breath as he watches the dancer take deep, slow breaths before he opens his eyes again.

“I forgive you, Beomgyu,” he says, voice quiet. “I do. You have been through an enormous amount of pain on your own. I can’t fault you for what you said and did.”

Beomgyu feels a weight lift off of his chest. He lets out a shaky breath. They’ll be okay.

In a quick movement, Yeonjun turns to the bed of flowers and pulls out a stem holding the cluster of little orange flowers he was eyeing earlier. He hands them to Beomgyu who blinks and looks at Yeonjun.

“A flower for a flower,” Yeonjun says with a smile as he looks at the bright bunch. “They’re called butterfly weeds. Funny name, I know.”

Beomgyu dips his head to give them a sniff. They smell faintly of candy. “What do they mean?”

“Let me go.”

He snaps his head up and the look on Yeonjun’s face makes his heart drop. “Yeonjun-”

“We can’t do this, Beomgyu,” he whispers, keeping his eyes on the orange flowers. “It won’t work.”

Beomgyu drops the flowers and scrambles forward so that he can touch Yeonjun’s cheek. “I’ll be around more, I swear, June. We can go public, we don’t have to hide anymore. We-”

“Beomgyu I can’t even go back to my apartment,” he says, voice pained. “People are still camping outside there. I get a thousand calls every day. All the headlines talk about me being a two-timer and a backstabbing snake. No one will hire me. Do you understand that?”

A thousand pins prick at Beomgyu’s heart. “We can clear it up, June. It'll be fine, I swear it will. All you have to do is trust me and stand by me.”

“I did trust you,” Yeonjun reminds him, tears welling in the brown eyes that match the colour of the nearby soil, “I trusted you enough to tell you about my parents and you threw it back in my face.”

Beomgyu flinches and rips his hand away. “I said- I said I’m sorry, I was-”

“And I said I forgive you,” Yeonjun reiterates, sniffing and picking up the fallen flowers. “I do. But forgetting… I’m not sure it’s something I can do. I built this career and this reputation for myself over the years to make my parents proud and in a matter of seconds, it was ripped away from me. I don’t know who to be anymore.” He moves closer to Beomgyu and takes his hand. He puts the flowers back in Beomgyu’s hand and wraps his fingers around the stems one by one. “I need to figure out how to get through this. But I can’t do it with you in my life. If these past few weeks taught me anything, it’s that I need somebody who can be there when I’m not myself. I need somebody who will make time for me and somebody who isn’t harmed by the time they’re taking out of their day for me. Can you give that to me, Beomgyu?”

“I can try,” he pleads, holding Yeonjun’s hand tightly over the stem, “I can. For you.”

“How did the trying end up for us last time?”

Beomgyu winces.

“We made quite a mess, didn’t we superstar?” Yeonjun murmurs, leaning forward to rest his forehead on Beomgyu’s. “It’s better off this way.”

Beomgyu shuts his eyes and shakes his head, trying to will away the nightmare unfolding before him. “Please don’t do this. Please. I love you. It has to count for something.”

Yeonjun lets a noise out. “I never told you this but when I think of home, I think of you.” He wipes away the tears on Beomgyu’s cheeks. “When I look at you, I’m reminded of spring rains and finally understand what my parents meant by love. It’s how you smell like vanilla. It’s falling asleep on your shoulder when you’re watching a crime documentary. It’s watching you sing on stage and seeing the light in your eyes I don’t see any other time, except when you’re looking at me.

“If you are what you love then I’ll admit this- so much of my heart is made up of you that I can hardly call it my own.” He brushes Beomgyu’s hair behind his ear. “And as much as I love you, sometimes it’s not enough. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for you to call, or watching interviews because it’s the closest I’ll get to be to you.”

“I’ll be better,” Beomgyu tries again, squeezing Yeonjun’s hands. “I’ll try, Yeonjun I’ll try more than I ever have.”

Yeonjun shakes his head. “That’s not what I want from you, Beomgyu. I want you to be happy doing what you love.”

“I’m happiest with you,” Beomgyu sobs. “When you’re yelling at me for my sickled foot, when you’re rolling your eyes at me, when you smile at me like I’m the only person in the room. When you’re with me.”

“Gyu…” Yeonjun trails off, voice thick with emotion. “You told me once that I’m the lucky one and at the time I didn’t believe you. I can tell now that you were right. I have been so lucky to have felt your love. You will grow to be lucky too when somebody else who’s strong enough to deal with all this comes along. I wish it was me but there’s only so much I can handle.”

He pulls back and the smell of mint goes with him. Beomgyu realises it’s the last he’ll smell it. Yeonjun picks up his hydrangeas then stands up and offers Beomgyu a hand. Beomgyu accepts it and holds onto it a little longer.

“I’d give up this life for you in a heartbeat,” he mutters.

Yeonjun sighs. “You’ll grow to resent me for it.”

They stand in silence and Beomgyu pulls his hand away. He picks up the orange flowers instead to stop him from reaching out again.

“What will you do?“ he asks, looking down at his feet.

“I don’t know,” Yeonjun admits, voice soft. “Maybe move away? If I have enough money. Or… stay and try to work at Haechan and Lee Know’s studio.”

“Okay.”

They stand in silence.

“Write some songs for me, will you?“ Yeonjun asks.

Beomgyu nods, eyes still on the floor.

More silence.

“Hey,” Yeonjun says, putting a hand on Beomgyu’s cheek. “Try not to hate me too much, please.” He moves his hand to Beomgyu’s chin and tilts his head up. Beomgyu looks at Yeonjun for the last time. “I may not know where I land up but I know one thing.” 

Yeonjun smiles softly and rests his hand on Beomgyu’s cheek, “I’ll always love you from afar, superstar.”

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

The bottle in Beomgyu’s hand is nearly empty.

He drags his half-closed eyes to Soobin who sits next to him on the couch. His bottle is just as empty. 

“They’regonnakickyou,” Soobin slurs, lifting the bottle up and taking another swig. “The company.”

Beomgyu chugs the remaining liquor in his bottle. “I know.” He stares up at the tilting ceiling before choking out, “Whadda am I gonna do?”

Beomgyu feels a flick on his ear. He looks to his right and finds Soobin gesturing between the two of them. “We.”

Beomgyu blinks, trying to make the two Soobins he sees into one. “We?”

Soobin nods his head and grabs Beomgyu’s hand. He holds it up between them and shakes it. “We will figure it out. Me ‘n you.”

Beomgyu stares at their hands then nods his head.

“Me and you.”

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

One Year Later.

“Did everything look fine?” Yeonjun asks, hands on his hips as he stares down at Haechan from the stage.

“Personally,” Mark says, coming to stand beside him, signalling to his crew for a towel, “I think you’re upstaging me.”

Haechan walks up to the stage and looks at the two with a grin. “He was never meant to dance back up.”

“Oh please,” Yeonjun scoffs, nudging Mark as they walk to the edge of the stage. “I have had enough time in the spotlight. Dancing backup is just what I need.”

The three of them laugh.

“You look great up there, June,” Haechan assures him. “Just make sure you don’t forget about the stairs at the back and hurt yourself.”

Yeonjun nods.

“What about me?” Mark asks, dabbing his face with a small towel somebody threw at him.  

Haechan tilts his head to the side as he looks up at the idol. “I guess you looked okay too.”

Mark narrows his eyes but before he can say something, somebody calls his name. He resorts to sticking his tongue out at the other. “I’ll be back.”

He jogs away, throwing the towel over his neck as he meets a woman with a clipboard and a headset on. Haechan’s eyes linger on him.

“Everything good between you two?” Yeonjun asks, calling him back to the present.

Haechan drags his eyes back to Yeonjun. He opens his mouth but catches himself and jogs to the side of the stage where the stairs are. He seats himself next to Yeonjun on the edge of the stage and looks down at their dangling feet.

“Yeah,” Haechan finally answers, “We agreed to not date.”

Yeonjun nods his head and looks out at the empty arena. “Probably a good idea. Dating an idol is rather difficult.”

Haechan hums in agreement and leans back on his hands, dragging his eyes across the stadium.

“I should get him something,” Yeonjun speaks up. “For letting me come on tour and dance backup. Also for trusting me.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Haechan tells him with a shrug. “But if you really want to, he loves watermelons.”

“He risked a lot by deciding to let me on his team,” Yeonjun reminds him. “Even if it was largely your doing I should thank him.”

Haechan shakes his head. His hair is tinted purple. “I didn’t have to convince him. He didn’t believe the rumours, said after speaking to you he didn’t believe you’d do something like that.”

Yeonjun feels a surge of gratitude toward the idol.

“Speaking of idols,” Haechan says, nudging his shoulder. “Did you see Taehyun’s most recent comeback? He looks so grown.”

Yeonjun nods his head. “I did. I phoned him to congratulate him. Said he’ll save me his best photo card when I go back and visit him.”

Haechan snorts. “Fame changes people.”

“I miss them,” Yeonjun finds himself saying. “All of them.”

“Me too,” Haechan admits quietly. “I phone Lee Know every day to check up on him and the studio but it’s not the same, is it?”

Yeonjun shakes his head, thinking about his long phone calls with Kai and how he’d kill to have the other cook him food, or choreograph something with Lee Know. He’s seen Taehyun more than the former two because his promo schedule sometimes overlaps with Mark’s tour.

“I’d love to see them,” Yeonjun says after a moment, “I just…”

Haechan waits patiently for Yeonjun to find his words.

“Everything in the city reminds me of him,” Yeonjun finishes.

They let the sound of the stage crew behind them fall over them. The scrape of props being moved, shouts about lighting and sound not being right, hollow steps on the wooden floor of the stage.

“He finally broke his silence since leaving the company,” Haechan informs him, swinging his legs back and forth. “Seen for the first time too.”

Yeonjun straightens at that. “Oh yeah?”

Following the aftermath of everything, Beomgyu disappeared from the public eye. No paparazzi pictures, no interviews, no new music. Nobody knew where he was, or what he was doing. Yeonjun wanted to reach out so badly but he knew nothing would come of it.

“What did he say?” Yeonjun asks.

“Hey, Haechan!” Mark calls. Haechan turns around and finds the idol waving him towards where he stands. “Can you come here for a minute?“

Haechan nods and gets up. 

“You should google him,” Haechan suggests, giving Yeonjun’s shoulder a squeeze. “I think you’ll find it to be interesting.”

He leaves Yeonjun sitting on his own.

Yeonjun bites his lip and taps his leg before caving in. He slips his phone out of his pocket and punches the other’s name into the search engine. He clicks on the first and most recent video.

“For the first time in a year, former Apex Entertainment idol BG has recently announced the start of his own company,” the presenter reports, eyes wide and serious. “The idol held a meeting to talk about the company that’s been under construction for as long as he’s been in hiding.”

It cuts to a video of Beomgyu standing in front of a bright, shiny building. His hair is longer now, dyed black with white streaks here and there. He looks healthier, brighter. Yeonjun touches the screen as the idol removes his glasses and reveals his familiar brown eyes. Beside him stands Soobin and behind the two, dozens and dozens of uniformed staff.

“For most of my idol life, I was abused,” Beomgyu begins, deep voice loud and carrying over the hoards of press pointing their cameras and mics toward him. “Not just by the media, but by my company. They subjected me to unhealthy hours of training, never protected me from malicious online content and refused to give me the rights back to the music I rightfully owned.

“In all of this, I lost what I loved most about being an idol- being on stage, singing the songs I wrote and making people happy through my music.” He looks to Soobin who gives him a reassuring nod. Beomgyu clears his throat. “It is for this reason that I have decided to open my own company that is dedicated solely to the artists and what they want. As it stands, the only people under Choi’s Choice are myself and 7-Sinners who have left their label to work under mine. I am calling for global auditions. Should you find yourself under my supervision, you will find that your experience as an idol will be all you imagined it to be, without the mistreatment. I look forward to seeing talent pour into this building and light up the halls.”

The staff behind him clap and cheer. Soobin pats him on the shoulder. Yeonjun vaguely wonders how he and Kai are doing as the screen cuts back to the presenter with choppy brown hair.

“The idol also announced a comeback along with the news of his new company,” the reporter goes on to say. “Titled, Maze in the Mirror, it is said to detail the idol’s experience as an idol and being in the limelight. He took to Twitter to go into further detail on it. In other news, idol Dal was recently attacked by a bystander on his way to dinner. The woman, Taylor, aged 22, reports that…”

Yeonjun tunes out the rest and opens Twitter. He prefers to not use it but he needs to see what the album is about. Beomgyu’s profile is decorated purple and Yeonjun finds his most recent tweet. It’s two pictures, one a black and white shot of him in a leather jacket sitting in a studio, and the other a note written in his handwriting. He clicks on the note and reads.

“Living in a world populated with social media and parasocial relationships leads us to believe that we truly know somebody. We think we know who they are because the media publishes their every moment. The truth is, we only know what they want us to know. Even then, we don’t truly know them. Not really. The person I am to my fans is different to the person I am to my parents. There’s BG, the scandalous, spoiled brat idol. There is Beommie, a son to a mother who wished differently for her son. There is Beomgyu, the trainee who worked until he passed out because he was scared of failing. There is superstar Beomgyu, loved by one person and closest to the real Beomgyu anybody has ever gotten. And finally, there is Choi Beomgyu.

This album reflects me in ways I have been too scared to show. It details the best parts of myself as well as the worst, because we’re never truly good or bad. We’re made up of fragments. Some fragments are sharp and have the ability to hurt and other fragments are blunt, only existing to complement the sharper parts. All fragments are equally important and make us who we are.

The songs on this album are different fragments of me. I once wished to make music that not only I’m proud of, but that my friends and family would turn up when they heard it. One person allowed me to get to this point. 

From your superstar, Choi Beomgyu, to you- have you heard me on the radio? Did you turn it up?”

A tear runs down Yeonjun’s cheek. He sniffs and wipes it away before it drops onto his phone.

“Of course, superstar,” he whispers with a smile, turning his phone around to touch the photo card of the idol. “I’ll always turn you up.”