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Bam didn’t understand.
Over the years, the young Irregular had discovered a lot of things. But nothing was comparable to what he was feeling at that moment. That feeling of oppression in his chest. That knot in his guts. The feeling that the world was loosing its colours and was darkening. What in the world could be that unpleasant sensation ?
Was that despair ? No… Bam knew that emotion really well. It was his companion during all his years in the cave, and later when he was threatened by FUG, and then again each time he had lost a companion.
Was that rage ? No again… The rage was a feeling that Bam knew a bit less. But he had met it some times : when he found Rachel again before boarding the train, when he learnt that she almost killed Khun, when White announced him that Prince and Arkraptor was dead. And that was definitively not the same emotion.
Was that hate ? Still not that… Bam was someone really kind and generous. Usually, he was friendly and comprehensive with the others. But the wave controller had already felt hate some times before, like when White killed people without mercy and announced that he murdered a billion of innocent people, or like when he met Kallavan and learned that he was the reason his Master was held captive.
Was that fear ? It was still the wrong thing… Some people would say that Bam is courageous, others that he is just reckless, but everyone would agree that he never fear to die. However, fear and terror were companions that he knew better than he would like. The fear of losing a friend because of FUG. The fear of seeing them perish because of him. The fear to be alone again.
Bam didn’t understand. It wasn’t any of those emotions, but at the same time, it was all of them mixed together. Was that feeling could possibly be ? Usually, he would have asked Khun to help him with that. After all, Khun always knew how to comfort and reassure him. But here was the problem, he couldn’t ask Khun for the moment. Because his light bearer was busy with something else. Someone else.
Everything had started with pure luck. Bam and his friends was taking the test of the 68th floor and everything was perfectly fine until they met again Shilial and Lilial Jahad, the twin princesses of the Lo Po Bia family. At the moment they had saw Endorsi, the test, which was initially really easy for them, became a death fight between the two teams. But all of that wasn’t really a big deal for Bam, he was used to fight Rankers now, so Regulars, even if they are princesses, weren’t a real threat.
Everything had fallen apart after. When one of the comrades of the twin princesses had come in backup. In only one instant, everything had changed. Two pairs of sapphires eyes met each other and the world had seemed to stop. Because Khun Maria Jahad and Khun Aguero Agnis had met each other again. For the first time in his life, Bam had seen Khun’s eyes look to someone else. Had seen his best friend smile sincerely to another person. Had seen his light bearer open his arms to a nobody.
The young Irregular knew that he should be happy with Maria’s arrival. Thanks to her, they had avoid a death fight between princesses because she refused to fight Aguero or his companions and she asked the twins to stop the fight. Thanks to his arrival, they had successfully finish the test in peace, and they could even guarantee Endorsi’s security on that floor. But despite all of that, Bam couldn’t appreciate her. Or even be happy with her arrival. She was a charming and pleasant young woman who seemed honest and joyfull by nature. She was a young princess, admittedly a little bit manipulative like all the Khun, but naturally kind and trustworthy; But Bam had just one desire : see her go away. He wanted that she go far away and never come back. That she disappear forever. That she stopped stealing Khun’s attention.
Ah… Now Bam understood. So, that was jealousy…
The Irregular had always care a lot for his friends but he had never been jealous or possessive. He never felt like that before. He really loved his friends but he didn’t mind sharing their company. But at that moment Bam understood that it wasn’t exactly true. There was one exception to that : Khun. Bam didn’t mind seeing his best friend laugh and spend time with other people, but he wanted to keep his tender smiles and special attention all for himself. Yes, that was it. Bam was absolutely okay with the fact that Khun had other friends, but he wanted to be his only best friend. Right at the moment the wave controller thought that, he felt really ashamed of himself. Khun was someone amazing and he knew his history with Maria and the rest of his family was a special subject for him. So, if he could fell better by seeing Maria and discussing with her, it was for the best.
She will steal him away from you.
No. Khun is my best friend and he would never abandon me.
But he knew Maria before you and he already let his family down for her. Why not you now ?
I trust him and I just want him to be happy. Khun will not abandon me.
But look… He already doesn’t look at you any more. She already stole him.
Bam was fighting with himself and didn’t know how to end this. Usually, when something like that was bothering him, Khun was there to help him and save him from his dark thoughts. His best friend never let the young Irregular down. But this time, Khun couldn’t comfort him because he was talking to Maria, and that fact made the wave controller’s jealousy grow even bigger. Bam had already fought a lot of monsters, whether enemies or interior demons. But he never fought a monster as powerful and unhealthy as that one. He never faced jealousy before, not even a bit, so Bam didn’t know how to fight that monster or what his weakness is. He couldn’t even shut it up. He was loosing control and…
- Bam ? Are you okay ?
That voice so sweet made him come back and Bam could once again see the rest of the world. Khun was watching him with worry in his eyes. He was now facing Bam and Bam thought he would collapse of relief when he heard that question that his best friend asked him at least once a day. Seeing that Bam wasn’t responding, Khun came closer to him without a care for the rest of the world, not even Maria, and plunge his beautiful look in Bam’s eyes.
- Bam ?
- Yes ?
- Are you alright ? You look a bit pale…
- Yes, I… I’m okay…
- Are you sure ?
- Yes… No… I don’t know… I…
Bam didn’t know what to think at that moment. On one hand, he wanted to say that he was alright because at that instant it was true. Khun was looking at him, talking to him, and comforting him, then everything was fine. But in the other hand, he knew that at the moment his light bearer will leave, the green-eyed monster that devoured him since Maria appeared would come back in full force. Khun must have understood that something serious was wrong because he order everyone to leave them alone, clearing off their friends and the princesses without a care. Rak was a bit reluctant at first, but a forceful glance of Khun was enough to convince him to leave.
- Bam, what’s wrong ? Asked Khun at the moment they were alone
- I… I am horrible. - You’re not horrible Bam. You would never be, trust me.
- No, I’m really a horrible monster. I… You know, during an instant, I wished Maria would disappear. No, it’s not true, I have wished that since the moment I saw her.
That confession seemed to surprise Khun a lot but he didn’t show any anger or annoyance. Only surprise and lack of understanding.
- What’s the problem with Maria ?
- Nothing. There is no problem with her. She’s a really good person… The problem here, it’s me.
- What do you mean ?
- She is someone really kind, awesome even, but I want her to go away and never come back in front of me ! That’s the proof that I’m a terrible monster, right ?
Bam was panicking and was more and more ashamed of himself and his reactions. The monster of jealousy which devoured him from the inside wasn’t helping either, whispering that it was all Maria’s fault for trying to steal his Khun away.
- Bam, look at me. You are an amazing person and not liking someone doesn’t change anything. You have the right to dislike Maria you know ?
- But she did nothing wrong…
- And ? Sometimes, we dislike people even if they have done nothing wrong, it’s just that our characters aren’t compatible. The world is just like that, we can’t change that fact. We just have to minimise the interactions with those people and avoid conflicts with them and everything is fine.
- But it’s unfair for her !
- Bam… I know I tell you that a lot but I will tell you again and again until you would remember it : you are not a god, you don’t need to make everyone happy, you have the right to make mistakes and to have some egoist wants. If you don’t want to become close to Maria, it’s not a problem. You totally have the right to dislike her.
Finally, Bam raised his eyes toward his best friend and saw the eternal look of affection and understanding that shown in the light bearer’s eyes every times he talked to him. That calmed a lot Bam and he started to regain composure a bit.
- But it is also unfair for you. She’s important for you and I don’t want to hurt your feelings because I’m in a bad relationship with her…
- You don’t have nothing to blame yourself for and I don’t blame you either. And, by the way, Maria and the twin princesses won’t continue with us so if you’re in good or bad term with her won’t change anything you know.
- They won’t stay ? Not even Maria ?
- No… Letting Endorsi and the twins in the same team would be a disaster and Maria wants to continue her own path without interfere with us. But, Bam, we just talk about that, you didn’t listen to us ?
The look a little bit guilty of Bam was enough for an answer and Khun burst out laughing lightly and happily.
- You’re really a desperate case. Meeting and strategic discussions aren’t for you, right ? Joked Khun
- Why would I need to be a strategist when I already have you ? Besides, I was a bit busy thinking about Maria to listen you conversation… Explained Bam
- Seriously Bam, to which extend did that problem bother you ? - A lot… You don’t even imagine how much I was jealous of her. And because I’m not used to control that kind of emotions…
Bam had let the word “jealousy” slip without thinking but he didn’t really mind. He had nothing to hide from Khun, and his best friend wasn’t bothered when he told him that he disliked Maria, not even a little bit. So the Irregular didn’t need to fear the reaction of his friend if he explained everything.
- You’re jealous of Maria ? Why ? Because she played the role of mediator and hero in your place ? Asked Khun, surprised
- Not at all… I don’t care about that, I even prefer when someone else play those roles…
- Then, of what was you jealous ?
- You smiled at her…
- I smiled ?
- Yes, you smiled sincerely and with pure joy. Exactly the same way you smile at me usually. I was jealous that you were smiling like that at her and not at me.
Khun blinked. Once. Twice. And then he burst out laughing.
- You were jealous that I didn’t give you attention ?
- Yes…
- Oh Bam… You’re so cute sometimes… I really thought it was something serious when I saw you panicking earlier, but it was just that…
- Just that ? It’s not just that… During a moment, I was really worried that you would leave me to go with her. I was terrified at the idea of you choosing her over me. Because without you, I don’t know how to continue. How to climb. How to live.
That declaration stopped immediately Khun’s laugh and a smile full of tenderness replaced the amused expression that the light barer was wearing before. Then, he grab his best friend in a tight but gentle hug.
- Bam… listen well. No matter what happen, no matter who we meet, no matter the difficulties, I will always, and I mean always, be on your side. I would never abandon you.
- Even if I’m against Maria ?
- Even if you’re again Maria, that I think that you’re wrong, that all our friends are on the other side and that we don’t have even the slightest chance of winning, I will stay with you and support you.
- Promise ?
- Promise.
Bam saw all the sincerity and the confidence in Khun’s eyes. For once, his best friend was showing his soul, letting Bam read in him like an open book. And in front of that much sincerity and assurance, the green-eyed monster could just shut up and disappear in the darkest part of Bam’s soul. Yes, Bam trusted Khun. If he swore that he would always stay with him, then he trusted him. Khun had never failed him and Bam knew that he would never broke a promise that he made to him. Then, there were no reason to be jealous, right ?