Chapter Text
“You mustn’t be so dramatic, Mikasa.” Well, on the list of things I expected to hear before talking with my dad, this certainly wasn't one of them. I didn’t even expect him to be in our apartment but here I am, standing outside our door, listening to my father’s voice argue with my sister.
“I don’t think this will be good for him.” Mikasa sounds serious, even more so than usual. From her tone I can practically picture her standing, arms crossed and back straight, ready to fight but not yet willing to do so physically. Not budging. Are they talking about me?
“You don’t know that-”
“With all due respect, you don’t know it any more than I do.” She pauses, “In fact I think I would know more than you. You haven’t exactly been around.”
“I’ve been trying to help.” Grisha pleads again, “I’m a busy man, Mikasa. I want to be here for you and Eren but I can’t always be around. You must understand.”
“Thank you for your help,” Mikasa doesn’t exactly sound thankful, “We can handle ourselves, though.”
“Mikasa, you’re making it too hard for yourself,” Grisha’s voice again, he sounds more patronizing, like a parent scolding their child and- well… I guess technically that is what he’s doing. Funny, didn’t occur to me at first. “What about that scholarship? I got a copy of it electronically. Are you just going to abandon that to stay here?”
What scholarship?
“I know you want to care for him but this could be the chance for both of you to finally pursue your passions. You can’t be tied down like this.”
“Or it could be a disaster.” Mikasa retaliates, “Trust me when I say that Eren leaving would not be pursuing his passion at all. In fact I have a sinking feeling that it’s only going to harm-”
“You’re being melodramatic.” Grisha interrupts her again. “I know what’s best for my son.”
“For a son you barely know?”
I should intervene before this escalates any further. With a single knock on the door both voices fall into silence. I swing open the front door and see both of them standing by the table, and sure enough, Mikasa has her arms crossed and her spine rigid. I look in between the two of them, Grisha averts his eyes and Mikasa stares straight at me. Both of them clearly know I’ve overheard their conversation. Grisha looks somewhat ashamed for that fact while Mikasa just seems to be studying me, like usual, like she’s scared I’m still on edge.
I smile at her, and I watch as her shoulders relax, her frown slowly softening on her face because with just such a small, genuine gesture she knows that I feel better now. Not perfect- but better.
“You can thank Armin and Levi.” I tell her, a short pause and then, “Also… yourself.”
That seems to get through to her. Mikasa smiles at me, actually smiles. Not the ghost-of-a-smile I’m so used to seeing but a genuine smile. It’s small, soft, and half hidden under her red scarf. I can’t quite tell if she’s wearing her new one or the one she’s always worn. She nods to me and it seems to say, Okay, I trust you. Then she looks to Grisha, giving him one last stare before leaving the room. Grisha watches her back until her door closes and then he turns to me.
“Eren, son, I’m glad you’re here. I came because I wanted to talk about what you’ll need to pack for…” He trails off when I hold up my hand.
“Dad I…” I pause. This talk is a whole lot more awkward when I actually have to give it. Nevermind the fact that I was expecting time to actually rehearse it and think of what I want to say rather than wing it but… fuck it. My life has never been something expected anyways. “I don’t want to go on this trip.” I watched his face fall, I could almost see the excitement seep out of his eyes. “I don’t… I don’t like Political Sciences.”
“Oh…” Is that all he has to say? Is that it? “I…”
“It’s really not your fault,” I follow up, hurriedly, like I have to reassure him, “I just… I’ve never been interested in Political Sciences. I’m barely managing a passing grade in the class to begin with I- I really don’t want to take it anymore.”
“Then… why did you?” He inquires, “Why make me think that you wanted this? I only pursued this internship because I thought that…”
“I…” I bite my lip, looking back on it, it was a stupid reason. I was never interested. I was never going to pursue it. I only kept at it to make him happy but… why should I try to please someone else when it’s my life, not theirs, that it’ll affect? “I did it because I thought it would make you happy, make you proud of me.” I sigh, it sounds even more illogical when said aloud. “But it’s not what makes me happy and it’s not what I want to do with the rest of my life.”
“Then what is?”
And there’s the question. The question I wish I had an answer to because it would have made everything so much easier. If I had a purpose, a goal in life, some driving passion that would have given me a reason to tell him that this isn’t what I wanted to do earlier on. “I don’t know.” I answer him honestly.
“You don’t know?” Grisha’s eyes narrow in suspicion, perhaps he’s thinking that this is some kind of teenage rebellion, maybe he suspects that I’m lying to him. I have no idea, I don’t know how he thinks, I don’t know him. “Then how can you be so sure that this wouldn’t be what you want.”
“Because it doesn’t make me happy.”
“Lots of things we do aren’t for our happiness, Eren.”
“It makes me miserable.” I rephrase carefully, clenching and unclenching my hands by my sides to keep myself from getting angry. Grisha stares at me a moment longer, his eyes are wide and his mouth slightly agape. He looks… shocked by this revelation. As if he never comprehended the idea that his own son could turn on him like this. Guess I’m just a surprise to everyone, aren’t I?
Then he surprises me. His mouth closes and he looks to the side for a moment, as if trying to regain his composure. Grisha sighs and gives me a quiet, regretful, tight-lipped smile. “I see.” He answers slowly, “You’re my son, Eren. I will support you but…” He pauses, his hand reaches up and scratches the back of his neck, eyes not looking at me but past me, in the distance, towards a future that could have been his ideal. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Never have, never will. I reply back in my head… but choose to keep those words to myself, lest I make my own father have some stress-induced heart attack. I can already tell this decision alone is wearing down on him. He looks a lot more weary than when he first walked into the apartment. I can clearly see the bags under his eyes and the lines in his face. I wonder, briefly, if my dad chose to pursue something that makes him happy. He’s never around so I’ll never be able to tell but… perhaps the distance in his letters wasn’t just from his own distaste of my sister and I. Maybe I’m being hopeful, though. Wouldn’t that be something new?
“I hope you’re happy, dad, really.” I speak honestly, and that seems to snap Grisha back to some sense of reality.
“Yes, well, isn’t it the parent who’s supposed to tell their child that?” He sighs, his hand drops to his side, “I’ll have to give them a letter withdrawing your application but… I’m proud of you Eren,” He chuckles to himself, “Or, I will be, once you find what it is that makes you happy.” Then he pulls back his sleeve, a watch ticks away silently, “I’ve… I’m leaving again.”
“Today?” I can’t stop my eyebrows raising in surprise. He’s barely been here for three days, how can he leave so suddenly?
“Yes, I was only able to segway in order to help you get organized to leave but…” He shakes his head, “I guess that won’t be happening.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small slip of paper- a plane ticket. “If you change your mind I won’t tell them you’ve withdrawn until after the trip leaves. Don’t want to regret anything, right? And when you find what you want to do… follow it through, that’s all I ask.” He places it on the table, pats it once and gives me one more remorseful look, a wan smile still stretched tight across his lips. “Take care of yourself Eren, I love you.”
“Uh, yeah,” I shuffle my feet awkward, “You… too.” The words don’t sound exactly right on my tongue. But they seem to make Grisha feel better all the same.
“Tell Mikasa I say I love you.” And with that, my father walks past me, and leaves our apartment to disappear again.
The first thing I do is walk over to the table and pick up the plane ticket. The internship was, apparently, halfway across the country. Quietly and without remorse, I throw it in the trash. I won’t regret this, because this is one of the few times in my life that I’m sure of the right decision. I know, for once, what will make me happy.
It’s… a good feeling.
I turn around and give a little start when I see Mikasa leaning against her doorway. She’s so silent I didn’t even hear the door open. But there she stands, smiling at me proudly- no, not smiling, but actually grinning for once.
“I guess you heard?”
“I’m proud of you.” She answers my question indirectly. “Really, I think you’re finally starting to get it, huh? How to recover, I mean.”
“Yeah, well, took me a while.” I answer sheepishly.
“It takes everyone a while.” She shakes her head, “I’m just glad… well, I’m always worried for you, you know that.”
“Hey, I could say the same about me to you.” I roll my eyes, “You gotta let me be the worried sibling now and then, Mikasa, I’ll get left in the dust otherwise.”
“I… don’t quite think I have the same level of worry needed as you do, Eren.” She raises an eyebrow, perhaps surprised by my answer. Can’t imagine why, though, she knows I’ll care and fret over her if need be. She’s my sister after all, we’re family.
“Wow, okay, rude.” I pause, “Justified, but still rude.” Then my brows furrow together, “But, y’know, speaking of worrying… Grisha mentioned a scholarship? I heard it through the door.” Immediately the grin fades, her expression darkens considerably and I wonder if, yet again, I’ve fallen head first into dangerous territory.
“Ignore that.” She shrugs nonchalantly, her free hand uncrossing from her chest and pulling the red scarf up, over her nose, muffling her words, “It’s nothing.”
“Oh, no, no, no” I say, “No double standards, Mikasa. If I’m going to be honest with you, you’ve gotta be honest with me, okay?” I narrow my eyes, mimicking the stance she always takes, arms crossed. Mikasa looks at me with surprise for a moment before relenting.
“... Fine, but only if you promise not to keep anything else from me.” I nod my agreement and she sighs, “I applied a while ago for a scholarship opportunity, we don’t exactly have the funds to afford my schooling as well and I… want to finish college and get a job, a real job, not just working in the pharmacy.”
“And you got accepted?” I can’t say I’m surprised. Mikasa’s more talented than anyone I’ve ever known, she’s always been in the top of her classes, competing with Armin, even in athletics she rules the field. Mikasa nods slightly. “That’s great! I’m so happy for you!” My excitement is quickly stunted when her expression shows no joy, “Why aren’t you happy?”
“It’s… in another state..” She grimaces “I’d be gone, Eren… How can I leave you by yourself? To pay the bills? Care for yourself? I can’t… I can’t do that.”
Oh. So she’s holding herself back for me?
A couple of months ago that would’ve been the very thing to send me off the edge. It’s been exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid but… Things like this can’t be ignored, and they can be fixed. I smile, softly, “Mikasa I have a job, and Grisha is going to start sending checks again now that he’s gone. And you’re not leaving me alone, I’ve got Armin and Levi.” I shake my head, “This is what I was trying to avoid, all those times. Please, don’t hold yourself back for me, that isn’t what I want.”
“How can you be sure you’ll be okay?” She’s unconvinced, her eyes still shine with worry as she speaks.
“I can’t.” I answer honestly, “And I’m pretty sure I won’t be okay, not completely, not forever. But I’m getting better at managing it… and I’m learning how to pick myself up and stop myself from falling completely to begin with.” I sigh, “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and I love you, but you need to live your own life… and don’t worry about me, I’m getting pretty good at trying to be happy, you know?”
“I…” Mikasa trails off, her eyes cast to the side, “I trust you.” She sighs quietly. “I’ll think about it.”
“Do what makes you happy.” I grin, “I need someone to be my role model, after all.” Mikasa half-snorts at that,
“Alright, well, I’ll just have to do that then, won’t I?” Then, softly, “Thank you.”
“Of course, what else would I wish for you?”
- - -
I drop my Political Sciences course pretty quickly. Of course it’s too late in the year to sign up for anything else but… Well, the year is almost over so I guess I’ll just be spending my summer looking for something new to do. Surprisingly enough, I find myself being more and more drawn to what Jean quit the group to do. Well, a little deviated but…
I’ve been thinking of studying to become a physical therapist.
But if he ever finds out that Jean, of all the people, helped inspire me there’s no doubt he’d never let that go. So I simply won’t ever let him know. Not to mention medical school is fucking expensive but… well… that’s what the job is for. Also maybe I’ll follow in Mikasa’s path and try to get some kind of scholarship, and perhaps this fucking prosthetic will finally be useful for something.
It’s on a warm evening that Mikasa comes home unusually early. She brought a small cake and called Armin to come over. Only when all three of us are sitting around the cake that she announces that she’s going to take the scholarship and go away. We had a tiny celebration, just the three of us, which consisted of eating too much cake and watching one too many movies that were free or on sale. Most of them were complete and utter shit but there was one… I think it was a romantic comedy? Honestly, it was one a.m. by that time and tears had already been shed over Mikasa’s announcement to leave but all I remember is Armin bawling into the pillows and screaming about how stupid the heroine was, and how she should’ve just gone with Token Hot Guy Number Two because apparently Token Hot Guy Number One was undeserving. I think Armin remembers, but whenever I try to bring it up his face either contorts in anger or he grows embarrassed about his behavior.
Armin’s doing a lot better too. It’s only been about a month now but he’s really gotten back up on his feet. He still needs to call either Mikasa or I late at night just to sob it out or go out and distract himself but… he’s happier, really, and getting better by the day. He’s even returned to classes and he’s finally settled on becoming a cartographer and just generally studying maps and geography. Which… honestly I don’t know why none of us thought of that sooner. It’s like he’s finally found the perfect path in life, no more switching around. He’s even been looking into jobs once we graduate from college and, as he and I both know, it’s going to mean a lot of travelling on his part. But I don’t plan on losing contact with him, or Mikasa. We’ve all got our yearly trips to start looking into, after all, and Armin’s going to be able to make some great recommendations.
I had to drop my sessions with Erwin to save funds, which was regrettable but… he understood. He’s friends with Levi so I don’t think it’ll be the last I see of him but, in a very Erwin-esque manner, he left me with rather cryptic words. “I think you’ve finally found it, Eren,” He said, a look of almost… pride on his face, “Now, try not to let it go. Any of it.” Not that I have any idea what ‘it’ is, but I’ll figure it out in time. I usually do. If not then someone else will hit me over the head with it.
I’m still in the therapy group. Well, what’s left of it. Which is really just Hanji, Petra, Marco and I. But… it’s nice. We’ve all got our problems to work through and we all make it easier for each other. The only funny thing is that now it feels like everyday, the last ten minutes of our meetings turn into some kind of gossip circle. Between Marco talking about his relationship with Jean, Hanji’s now blooming romance with Moblit, Petra’s beginning to put herself out again, and myself with Levi the four of us somehow always end up just gossiping. I don’t mind though, Hanji made the joke that we’re all like an old knitting circle of elderly people, gossiping about our lovers. Which, what do you know, is surprisingly fun. But if Hanji suggests we actually take up knitting, I’m out.
As for Levi, well… That’s what I’m off to right now. We still meet at The Rose Café once a week, tradition is hard to break. And today happens to be that kind of day.
I… can honestly say I’ve never been happier than how happy I am with him. It’s funny but as time has passed ‘I love you’ has become both easier and harder to say. I’ve become used to saying it, and I can say it without all the struggle that I once had but… I can’t help but feel like the longer I’m with him the less it says everything I want to say. Actions speak louder than words, I know, but still it’s hard when words can’t suffice. But still, there’s something that makes the words even more special when you’re trying to get across… everything.
“Levi” I call as I half jog up the rest of the block to The Rose Café. He turns around, one hand still on the door, and smirks when he sees me.
“Eren, I’m shocked, when I didn’t see you I half expected you to be late again.” He holds the door open as I catch up with him.
“Oh, come on, I’ve been good about being on time, haven’t I?” I thank him for the door and head inside.
“Really, now? Guess I must not have noticed it when you left me waiting half an hour last week, maybe I was just early,” He rolls his eyes sarcastically, “My mistake.”
“Okay, that wasn’t my fault,” I shrug, “My professor said he had to talk to me about switching courses next year, I didn’t think he would mean lecture me.”
“Uh-huh, you just keep telling yourself that.” Levi shakes his head as we take our seats at the usual table, outside on the small fenced in veranda. They’ve replaced the flower boxes with newly painted ones, bright red flowers beginning to unfold their petals to the spring sun.
“Oh, I will.” I assure him. Levi gives me an incredulous look before shaking his head,
“Of course, nothing less, right?” I only grin in response, he follows it up with, “Oh, how’s Mikasa doing on packing by the way?”
“Uh… doing well,” I shrug, “She leaves… what? A few weeks from now?” I sigh, my shoulders sagging, “It’s gonna be hard with her gone but… Well, I’ve got you, don’t I? And Armin too. I’ll manage.” Levi reaches under the table, I link my hand through his, intertwining our fingers.
“Of course you’ve got me, don’t you dare fucking hesitate to ask for help if things get too difficult, okay?” He reassures me with a gentle tone but stern words.
“Please, if I didn’t, you’d just kick down my door and barge on in anyways. Or Mikasa would fly back and do that herself.” I shake my head, “Either way, I’ve gotta be careful if I want to keep the apartment intact.” As I speak I notice Levi’s eyes flicking off to the side now and then. He’s shifting in his seat and his lips are pressed tightly together. He’s nervous. “Hey,” I give his hand a squeeze and watch as his grey eyes slide back towards me, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” He answers quickly, then a smile slowly forms on his face, “Trust me, everything is… great.” He sighs, and squeezes my hand in return, less of an act of reassurance to me but more like he was checking my hand was still there. “Look, I’ve been… considering some things.”
This… doesn’t sound good. But I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, it’s Levi, afterall. I trust him. I don’t say anything and just wait for Levi to continue.
“I know you can handle everything but I don’t want you to have to juggle all that shit, Eren. Not to mention it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while but I didn’t want to put more crap on you,” Levi shrugs, “And I don’t want to rush things but we’ve been together for a while now.” He takes a deep breath, “I was wondering if you might consider moving in with me?”
“What?” Is my first, and perhaps less eloquent reply. Quickly, I follow it up with, “I mean, it’s just, you really want me there?”
“I really…” Levi echoes, “What the fuck, Eren? Do you honestly think I’d bullshit some question like that?”
“No! No, I’m just surprised.”
“Really?” Levi deadpans, “Shit, Eren, I thought it was damn obvious that I was going to ask you. I’ve been so on edge recently even Hanji’s been giving me crap about it.”
“But I’m so messy.” I counter, “You’ve seen my room, and you’re so neat!”
“I like to clean, I don’t give a flying fuck about that.” Levi leans forward, one arm resting on the table, “Eren if you don’t want to all you have to say is no, I’m not a kid.”
“No! That’s not what I mean!” I shake my head quickly, “I mean, yes, yes of course it sounds wonderful to me, but are you sure that you want to?”
“What the fuck? I’m the one who asked!” Levi sounds exasperated, “Of course I’m sure!”
“Well, uh…” I blink, “Wow. I… I didn’t really expect you to ask.”
“No shit,” Levi rolls his eyes.
“But, yes,” I feel the grin spread before I know I’m smiling widely, “Yes, of course. That sounds amazing.” I lean forward, across the table, and meet Levi halfway, “Thank you.”
“I could say the same,” He whispers quietly before kissing me on the lips.
The road ahead looks bright and beautiful, especially so with him by my side.
- - -
An airplane roars overhead as the white body glitters in the sunlight. Mikasa pulls her bags out of Armin’s trunk. She slips her duffel bag over her head and turns to Armin, myself, and Levi. Two days ago it was made official by Mikasa and I finally selling the apartment. Funny enough, I don’t think I ever called it ‘my’ apartment., or even home Still there was something nostalgic about it all. I moved my stuff over to Levi’s before spending Mikasa’s last day with us at Armin’s. The three of us having one last sleepover before she goes off on her scholarship.
And here we are, in front of the airport. Mikasa’s red scarf blowing on a windy day as she grips the handle of her rolling suitcase so tightly that her knuckles have turned white. Armin smiling and my grinning widely but all three of us with tears in our eyes. Nobody says anything at first, then Mikasa wraps the both of us up in one large hug, which we gladly return.
“Don’t disappear on us, now.” I joke into her shoulder, Mikasa nods.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” She answers quietly.
“Take good care of yourself.” Armin gives his piece before she gives us one last, lung-crushing squeeze and releasing us, going back to the death-grip on her suitcase.
“I’ll miss you both.” Her voice isn’t as monotonous as it usually is, but instead it’s filled with a bittersweet happiness. The kind that’s on the verge of sadness but still full of hope. “I love you two.”
“Hey, don’t get so sappy.” I shake my head, “That’s not like the Mikasa I know.”
“Oh, I’ve a feeling she’s going to come back an entirely different person.” I see Armin grin as he says this, “Five piercings, a tattoo… maybe multiple. Smuggling a bottle of beer in the airplane back.” I see Mikasa half roll her eyes at this.
“Ha, you’d better not. Because if I’m supposed to be the responsible sibling then we’re all screwed.” I give her one last tight smile, “I’ll see you sooner than you think, Mikasa. Love you.”
“Right,” She nods in agreement, eyes flicking between Armin and I. One last hesitation, a deep breath and then, “Goodbye.” With that, she pulls her scarf up a little higher and walks inside. Armin and I stay to watch her retreating back as the sliding glass doors separate the three of us for the first time in… as long as I can remember. I see Armin shaking slightly in my peripheral vision and lay a hand on his shoulder.
“You okay?” He wipes at his eyes and turns to me, a bright smile on his face.
“I think I’ll be better than I ever was before.” He sighs, steadying himself, “This is really a new beginning isn’t it?”
“Eh, life doesn’t really ‘begin’ so much as just…” I shrug, “Happens. So it’s a new happening, yeah. But I think this never really ended for something new to begin.” I turn back to the doors, Mikasa’s disappeared into the ebb and flow of the crowd inside, “Honestly, I don’t think it will end,” I grin, and pat Armin’s shoulder, “So, sorry buddy, but you’re stuck with me.”
“Oh, I knew that,” Armin shakes his head, “Trust me, I’ve been resigned to that for a long time, Eren.”
“Hey!”
“And it’s only feeling longer.” Armin smirks at me, “But, really, the future looks pretty bright right now, so I think I’ll be okay…” Armin turns to me, “What about you?”
How does the future look for me?
I start laughing, Armin looks at me like I’ve gone insane. “Sorry it’s just, well, it’s funny but I used to think the future was doomed.”
“And now?”
“I have no idea,” I answer, “But I think I actually have one now.” I say, “And I’m determined to be happy in it.”
“Out of curiosity might ‘happy’ be equivalent to ‘with Levi?” Armin raises an eyebrow.
“You know me too well,” I shake my head, “But other things too, you know.” I take a deep breath, the fresh air feels good on my lungs, “I can’t wait to reach it.”
“I don’t think it’s ever really possible to ‘reach’ the future, Eren.” Armin puts air-quotes around the words.
“Let me have my fun, will ya?” I shake my head.
“Sorry, sorry,” Armin glances at his watch, “Well, I need to go. We’ll hang later?”
“Of course,” I remove my hand from his shoulder and offer him a wave instead as he walks back to his car. Then I turn and see Levi leaning against the door of his car. Feeling lighter than I have all day, I practically prance back to where he stands, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“You okay?” Levi asks, returning the gesture.
“Better than okay,” I say, “I think she’ll be happy.”
“And you?”
“What about me?” I shrug, “I already am happy.” I pause, “I mean, yeah, I’m sad to see Mikasa leave and I know Armin’s going to leave in a year or so too but… Well, I’m not alone, and… I’m happy.” There’s really no other way to say it. Happiness is happiness, and for once I know what it feels like.
“Good,” Levi pushes himself off of the side of the car, “And of course you’re not alone, you really think I’d let that slip by?” He smirks. “You know I love you.”
“Really? Hadn’t noticed.” I reply cheekily.
“Brat,”
“I love you too.” I shake my head, Levi walks around to the other end of the car and as I open my door I catch my reflection in the window. Briefly, a thought passes through my head, I wonder if it’s really possible to love a monster. Then I start laughing. Levi looks up from over the car, expression showing silent inquisition.
“I just called myself a monster,” I explain, “And, you know, it really didn’t fit at all.”
“Of course it didn’t,” Levi replies seriously, “You’re not a monster, after all.”
“Yeah, well, neither are you.” I say. Levi rolls his eyes,
“Took us both long enough to see that.”
“Better late than never.” I slide into the car next to him, Levi smirks at me.
“That’s just your motto isn’t it?” He asks, buckling himself into the carseat.
“Wow, low blow, Levi.” I say. He leans over and gives me a quick kiss on the lips before he sits back and starts up the car, casting me one last look in the corner of his eyes, a smile playing at his lips.
“Alright, alright, let’s go home.”