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She wasn’t clean. She never felt clean. She looked back on the last time she did and couldn’t really recall. Sure, at home she forgot to shower, but she was still a relatively clean person. But she could never shake the mess of emotions going on within her, so she always felt slightly tainted from the guilt of every time she looked at her best friend and felt anything more than casual platonic attraction. In Amphibia, it was more of a tangible, physical, sensation. The newts didn’t exactly have advanced plumbing, and she had to engineer her own soap. (Which was surprisingly difficult. She was covered in rashes and chemical burns that entire first month). But she managed with all the fresh springs and the outdoor shower she rigged. But there were always traces of body odor from hours spent in her heavy armor, and although not as bad as Anne, leaves, and dirt always found their way into her hair. But even then, even after the longest showers, she could take without being missed as chief ranger, even when she scrubbed her hardest, until her skin turned raw and she teared up, she couldn’t get rid of the underlying feeling of guilt. So instead, she pushed it away as deep as she could. She shoved it as deep into her consciousness as she could, along with the feelings she had been denying since kindergarten. Deny deny deny. That was her MO. But of course, that didn’t last long. That awful day in the king’s palace, the world started to crumble around her. All the guilt she had been feeling spilled out, leading to a flush of emotions and words coming out her mouth, trying to say something, anything, to get her friends to stay. It was the worst pain she ever felt in her life. Until… she felt the sword. She barely remembered what had happened in the moments before that. She had grabbed the box, opened the portal, and then there was the explosion of pain. She tried desperately to use what she thought were her last words to apologize and truly communicate how sorry she was.
That was the beginning of her several months of agony. She didn’t understand what was happening at first, until she realized where she was. In some sort of… tank filled with disgusting slimy liquid invading all of her senses. Her chest constantly throbbed. But none of that could compare to the psychological torment that happened in her mind when the night made itself known. It spoke to her deepest regrets and fears, telling her that her friends hated her, and she would never see them again. It told her she was disgusting and a horrible person. She had never felt so dirty.
The next month passed on in a blur. She knew she was rescued, and she knew that while she was physically recovering, the night was still linked to her, keeping her alive. She didn’t remember what happened after a certain point until she “woke up” just in time to see the king’s sword nearly upon Anne. She had never moved so fast, and managed, just barely, to get her away. She blacked out again, but this time she was told it was her body fighting the night. Just seeing Anne’s face and the relief that she was alive on it had been enough to give her just enough strength to push it to the back of her mind like she once did with all those internalized feelings over the years. She wasn’t fully healed and didn’t know if she ever would be, but there were good days and bad days.
This was one of the bad.
She lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling where Anne and Sasha had painted stars on when she was on strict bed rest. She counted them again and again, hoping to take her mind off of the task she had planned. 59 and a half stars. There used to be 60, but Anne had jumped up on the bed while the paint was still drying and it rubbed off onto her hair. She smiled at the memory. Somehow even thinking of Anne made her feel better. This gave her the strength to swing her legs off her bed and stand. She winced as the movement shifted her healing scar and ribs but continued on to the bathroom.
She stood in front of the bathtub, staring at it. Their shower head had broken, so the only option was a bath. She had begged her parents to buy a replacement, but neither of them had the time to fix it and they didn’t trust Marcy to do it on her own. Showers weren’t so bad, showers she could deal with, but being submerged in water again…was bad. She didn’t know exactly how to describe it other than in simple words like that. How were you to communicate how being in water felt just like being stripped of your humanity?
But still, she had to bathe. She hadn’t in almost a week and knew she was covered in sweat from the heat of the LA heatwave and mud from digging holes in their backyard to look for certain bug species.
She very hesitantly popped the bathtub plug down and pulled the knob to make the hot water come out.
She could do this. She was strong. It’s just a bath.
But knowing it was just a bath and convincing her body of that were two different things. She felt nauseous and the sound of the water hitting the tub physically hurt her. She felt dizzy and for a second, she could swear that her breathing felt as restricted as it had when she had a tube down her throat and her scar burned in agony. She wasn’t strong enough. She shut the water off and ran outside to the hallway where she fell to her knees.
She wasn’t strong enough. She would never be clean.
She felt tears well up in her eyes and she started to hyperventilate when her phone buzzed in her pocket. She usually would have chosen to ignore it, but she had set the vibrations on her phone to spell out “Anna Banana” in Newtopian morse code. She pulled out her phone and unlocked it.
Anna Banana: Her mar-mar! How’s the bath coming along? :)
She smiled. Anne was so kind and considerate. She knew how nervous she was about this and wanted to check in.
Just as soon as her mood was uplifted, she felt that pang of guilt again. She had failed her once again.
She stared at the blinking cursor, trying to figure out what to say.
You: :/
Anna Banana: Is something wrong?
You: I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry.
She was prepared for Anne to say something along the lines of “suck it up and get over it” as her parents would, but when she read the next text message, even through the phone, she could feel the gentleness and compassion.
Anna Banana: I’m coming over. I’ll be there in 10
The guilt and shame of it all overwhelmed her and she tucked herself into a ball on the floor. She heard the doorbell ring, but as much as she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to move from her spot on the floor. She heard a knock at the door, and then the doorbell rang again. She stayed where she was. Then she heard the sound of clicking and tapping, and then the door squeaking open and Anne’s long legs taking the stairs two at a time. She had forgotten how skilled she had gotten at picking locks. She looked up and saw Anne evaluating the situation. She crouched down next to her. “Hey, I came as fast I could. Can I touch you?”
She nodded, and Anne took her hand in both of her own.
“What happened Mar?”
She sniffled pathetically. “The water… it sounded just like…” She trailed off, not even able to say it out loud. Anne understood though and wrapped her in a hug.
“It’s okay if you want to save it for another day. You don’t have to right now.”
Marcy shook her head. “I want to do it. It’s just… hard to be alone in the water.”
Anne nodded her head sympathetically. “Do you want me to be with you?”
She looked up at her again. Did she really not mind? She felt like a baby who needed supervision, but she nodded her head. Anne smiled and held her hand out. “Here, let’s go back to your room for a sec”
She wordlessly took her hand and followed her back down the hallway. Marcy sat on the edge of her bed- she still couldn’t stand for long periods of time- and watched as Anne opened her dresser drawers and pulled out a clean set of sweatpants and underwear. She folded a fluffy towel under her arm and slung her bag off her shoulder. “I brought you something!”
Marcy looked at her curiously as Anne unzipped it and pulled out a big yellow hoodie. She squealed and clapped her hands, not able to contain her joy at the thought of wearing one of Anne’s sweaters! She wiggled in place and Anne laughed. Not a mocking laugh at her, but rather excitement of seeing her happy. She folded up the clothes and reached into Marcy’s desk drawer, pulling out her noise cancelling headphones and handing them to her. “I’m gonna take this stuff into the bathroom and run the bath, okay? You may want to wear these to block out the noise of the water running.” Marcy nodded, put them over her ears, and gave her a thumbs up. Anne smiled at her and left the room. She came back in 7 minutes. Marcy knew this because she had been able to individually count the stars on the ceiling exactly 7 times. Anne gestured that she could take off her headphones, and Marcy tossed them on the desk. A bit too hard than intended. She looked down and saw that her hands were shaking.
Anne took her shaky hand and rubbed her thumb across her knuckles. “Hey, you don’t have to do this if you’re not in the right mental space. Just let me know and we can get some wet wipes or something.”
Marcy appreciated her saying wet wipes instead of baby wipes. She shook her head. “No, I want to. I can do it… I think.”
Anne nodded “Just let me know at any point, okay?” Marcy hummed in agreement and squeezed her hand. Even though the hallway was narrow, she didn’t let go of her hand while they walked back down the hall. She stood in the doorway of the bathroom, checking the room for enemies. Old habits die hard. She felt Anne watching her, but she stayed silent, not wanting to push her. Hesitantly, she took one step into the bathroom. And then another. Then a few more. Until she was close enough that she could feel the steam coming off the hot water and smell the vanilla and lavender oils she added. It smelled like… Anne. She must have brought them over from home, knowing how much she liked the smell. She looked over at Anne who was standing there, giving her space.
“Do you want me to leave and give you privacy to undress? I could wait outside, and you could call me if you need me.”
She shook her head and stuttered out “N-no. I think- I don’t want to be alone right now. Not here. So if you’re okay with it- stay?”
“Totally Marbles! Whatever you need!”
Marcy smiled and took off her sweater, shivering as the cold air hit her shoulders. She hesitated for a second before pulling off her camisole. She had no problems changing in front of Anne. They had been best friends for 11 years and girlfriends for 1. She, Anne, and Sasha changed in front of each other all the time. There were no secrets between them, and they all knew each other’s bodies. Anne and her even used to take baths together after their swim lessons when they were toddlers. But Anne hadn’t seen her scar since she was rescued. It was huge and a purple/white/reddish color, and it went from her chest all the way to her mid back. She didn’t consider herself an insecure person about her physical appearance in general, but she felt like the scar served as a reminder of her selfishness and didn’t want to do anything to upset Anne. She looked at her again and they made eye contact. All she saw in her eyes was concern and caring. She wiggled out of her tank top and tossed it on the floor. She turned again and saw Anne politely averting her eyes and looking at her face, but she caught her eyes flick to the scar for just a second.
“I know… it’s really ugly- “
She gasped. “Marce don’t ever say that! You’re the prettiest girl in the world.”
She flushed deeply and stared down at the floor. Her tone of voice said she really meant it. She continued to strip off her layers. Due to her low body weight after the tank, she was constantly freezing even in the middle of the summer in Southern California, so she always layered on clothes. She stared yet again at the threatening body of water in front of her. She took a deep breath and put one leg into the tub. It went up to her knee. Surprisingly, it was nice. The hot water helped her aching joints, and it was different than the coldness of the tank. She lowered herself fully in the tub and let herself relax. She felt a tiny bit anxious at the pressure of the water on her scar and looked at Anne for reassurance.
“You’re doing great! I’m so proud of you, I knew you could do it!” She grinned at her, and for the millionth time that day, she felt so thankful to have someone as amazing and kind as Anne.
“Hey Anne?”
“Hm?”
“Can you talk about something for a sec? Anything really…”
“Sure! Uhhh what to talk about, what to talk about… Oh! Did I tell you about how I taught domino to do tricks yesterday?” She launched into a story about teaching the cat how to do all the tricks in a dog training book she had checked out from the library, simply out of spite because Sasha told her cats didn’t do tricks.
Marcy listened intently and focused on her voice while she squeezed out body wash and cleaned her body. She relaxed and closed her eyes, listening to Anne’s voice and enjoying finally feeling warm for once. As Anne reached the end of the story, she squirted out some shampoo into her hands and went to reach up to wash her hair. Then stopped. The hot water made her body relax, but her scar felt tighter. Lifting her arms hurt her chest and brought back the throbbing pain. She cringed and Anne was at her side immediately. “Are you okay?”
She avoided eye contact. “Yeah… just uh. It hurts to lift my arms.” Anne nodded in understanding and held out her hand for the shampoo bottle. “Let me help.”
She put some shampoo in her hand and rubbed them together to create foam. “I’m just gonna touch your hair and maybe your face and neck, is that okay?”
She hummed in agreement and Anne, ever so carefully, tipped her chin up so she was looking up at the ceiling, and placed her hands in her hair. She sighed almost immediately as Anne worked the soap into her tangled black hair. She trusted Anne more than anyone, and just the touch of her fingertips made her feel safer. Anne took a cup from the bathroom counter and filled it with water, gently dumping it on her head while putting her hand on her forehead to avoid getting the soapy water in Marcy’s eyes. As Anne rubbed circles on her scalp while rubbing in conditioner, she was almost brought to tears by how loving and gentle this act was. She was compelled vulnerable but felt safe, and despite what society would tell them, there was nothing sexual about it. They were just two people who felt the most comfortable with each other sharing the safety and love they felt for each other. And that was enough. Through all the fucked up things that happened to all of them, she knew they were bonded for life.
Anne finished rinsing out her hair, took the towel, and gently wiped away the bubbles threatening to spill into her eyes. She also gently dried her hair off and brushed it back with her fingers, so it didn’t fall into her face, knowing how it triggered her sensory issues. She held out her hand and Marcy took it and stood up, wobbling slightly due to the change of position and the hot water. Anne helped her out and handed her the towel. She didn’t want to smother Marcy, so she hung back and let her dress on her own but prepared to step in if she needed it. When Marcy put on the yellow hoodie, she grabbed the excess fabric and brought it up to her nose, breathing in the scent of Anne. Anne giggled.
“What?”
“Nothing, you’re just cute.”
If it were possible for a person to have heart eyes, she would have them by now as she blushed and took her hand.
“Anne?”
“Yeah Mar-Mar?"
Can you not go home yet?”
“Are you kidding me!? Of course. Who else are you gonna cuddle and watch nerdy movies with?”
If her body didn’t ache so much, she would have jumped for joy, but instead, she stood on her tiptoes (necessary after Anne had grown 4 inches over the summer) and kissed her gently on the cheek. This time it was Anne’s turn to blush bright red and she booped her gently on the nose.
“C’mon nerd. I brought snacks.”
They walked back to her room and Marcy flopped down on her bed, laying her head on the pillow already as Anne turned the tv on and grabbed the remote. She turned on the first Harry Potter movie, a classic she had watched several times after Sasha had stolen her a DVD from the drug store (After she complained about wanting to watch the movie but not support the author) and Anne too sat down. She squirmed and got comfortable sitting next to her, propped up against the pillow, and opened her arms wide. Marcy immediately obliged and snuggled in against her side, pressing her face into the crook of her neck and swinging a leg over Anne’s just to keep her in place and get as much contact as possible. She looked up at her girlfriend who was intently watching the opening scene of the movie while she played with her wet hair. What had started as a horrible day of anxiety had ended with her feeling more loved than ever and perfectly at peace.
She took Anne’s hand and kissed the back of it, then put it up against her cheek, just like a cat. She fell into a peaceful, deep, sleep before the first scene ended.