Chapter Text
I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to the people who left Kudos, comments and bookmarks while I was writing this fic. Thank you all so much for reading this fic, leaving feedback, or taking a second to leave kudos, it means more to me than you know.
I started this fic fresh out of a mental breakdown. I was haggard, exhausted, at the end of my metaphorical rope, directionless and very, very scared. During the worst of my breakdown, I didn’t leave my bed for about three weeks. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, all I remember is staring at the wall and getting lost somewhere in my own terrifying thoughts. By the time I was opening up and ready to recover, not only was my mind in shambles, but my body was in bad shape too. My muscles had atrophied, my appetite was gone, I was tired all the time.
I ended up taking time off school and taking a long road trip to try and figure my shit out. I drove up to visit some family. It’s a two day drive, but it was well worth it. I was in a safe environment with someone I genuinely trust. For my creativity, it was paradise. None of my baggage could follow me, and I felt genuinely free for the first time in at least three years. Mentally and physically, I was giving myself a much needed break.
I began to slowly nourish the body and mind I had been unintentionally torturing for months if not years. I went on short walks, I kept track of my meals, I started doing the things I love that I had been neglecting; cooking, writing etc.
However, what helped me the most was allowing myself to create something. God, I forgot how good it feels to sit down and make something. And when I had all the time in the world, it was all I could focus on. I first started writing this fic about a week before I went on that trip (at least according to my google doc edit history). However, that time I spent at my sister’s was when I really started to pour myself into it. I devoted myself. In the span of five days, I wrote around 18,000 words. I didn’t even know I could do that.
That week visiting family didn’t fix me by any means, I will always struggle against my own mental health. But the reason I’m even including this note is to share some of what I was going through while writing, and to show just how much this fic means to me. I don’t think I’ve ever had a creative project that shows so much of myself, it’s a scarily vulnerable experience. There are pieces of me in every single character I’ve written in this story, they reflect my life experiences, my brokenness, my fear, pain, and joy.
I understand that plenty of people won’t read this monster of an author's note, and that’s completely understandable. Still, I felt it was appropriate to share at least a little bit of my actual self and give some of the context of how and why this fic came to be.
Thank you all very much.
Love,
Talia
Literary References
Bluebird by Charles Bukowski https://allpoetry.com/poem/8509539-bluebird-by-charles-bukowski
This is one of the only pieces of poetry that doesn’t spark visceral hatred inside me lmao. I was forced to read and analyze a lot of poetry in school, it grew to be a chore. But I’ve always loved the imagery and message in this one.
A Challenge to the Dark by Charles Bukowski
https://allpoetry.com/A-Challenge-To-The-Dark
I only quote this poem once. Usually, I find Bukowski’s work needlessly bleak and fatalistic, but the line ‘shot like a flower in the dance’ is some good imagery. I like how it fits in the intimate moment where I used it.
Do not go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
https://allpoetry.com/do-not-go-gentle-into-that-good-night
A poem about the author’s dying father. What more is there to say? I liked the double entendre of the light/dark imagery.
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
https://gutenberg.ca/ebooks/huxleya-bravenewworld/huxleya-bravenewworld-00-h.html
Ironically enough, I was assigned to read this book twice in school (once in high school and once in college) and um… well I read the SparkNotes, that counts for something, right?
The main themes and particularly the quote I used in chapter one set the story up so well I had to use it.
Creative Inspirations
I often find myself motivated and inspired by good art and the Death Note fandom has some of the best artists in the world.
Here are some of the artists whose work sparks something in me that just drives me to keep creating:
Alka:
ponury grajek: