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18 down, 5 letters. Starts with J.

Summary:

Zemo's trying to do the Sunday paper crossword puzzle.
Bucky's trying to work out what the J in Helmut J Zemo stands for.
Suffice to say, the crossword puzzle does not get finished.

Notes:

This fic is based on this anon prompt I received on tumblr:

I have a prompt in mind in case you want to write about it, but no pressure! : a crack fic about Bucky figuring out what is the J in "Helmut J. Zemo".

I have no idea what the J actually stands for, so I made it up.
Hopefully it makes for a fun read.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Julian.”

Zemo looked over the rim of his reading glasses at Bucky. They were both sat up in bed one rainy Sunday morning being lazy—Zemo was doing the crossword puzzle in the paper and Bucky had been reading a sci-fi novel before he’d become distracted.

“Darling, you know my name is Helmut, not that you actually call me it—” Bucky’s enhanced hearing heard the low muttered “thankfully” at the end of that sentence. His mouth quirked up in a smile at his husband’s continued annoyance at Americans trying to pronounce his first name correctly. “—so, have you hit your head, or are you suddenly pining over someone who isn’t me?”

Well, that was a ridiculous thought.

As if he’d ever want someone else when the man who was perfect for him in every way was right next to him.

“No.” He scoffed, putting down his book and snatching the newspaper out of Zemo’s hands to throw it on the floor. He grabbed hold of his husband and manhandled him until he was laid out on top of him like a grumbling, Sokovian blanket. He’d managed to grab Zemo’s trusty purple biro before it stained the bedsheets and put it on the bedside table along with his glasses after he’d reached up and gently taken them off his face. “You know I always want you.”

He nipped at Zemo’s jaw and breathed in his scent. Even after being together for six years and married for three; it was still his favourite scent in the world. “I was just trying to work out your middle name.”

Zemo raised an eyebrow at him; completely comfortable stretched out on top of Bucky like a hedonistic feline. “And the first name you went with was Julian?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Definitely not you.”

“Jan?”

“No.”

“Jonathan?”

“No, darling.”

Zemo wiggled on top of him to shuffle down the length of Bucky’s body slightly so he could rest his head on Bucky’s chest. Bucky stroked the soft strands of his hair and secretly wished they could stay in this position forever.

“Josef?”

Zemo shook his head against Bucky’s chest, pressing a soft kiss to it at the end. He felt the smirk on his husband’s face against his skin when Zemo realised the gentle press of his lips had made Bucky’s heart beat faster. Nobody could accuse him of not being completely in love with his husband that was for sure.

He was silent for a few minutes, pondering the many J names of the world.

“Jabberwocky?” He bit his lip waiting for Zemo’s reaction.

Zemo raised his head and looked at Bucky flatly. “I should send you to go live with the Jabberwocky, for even thinking that might be my middle name.”

Bucky cuddled him close, figuring that if Zemo couldn’t escape his arms, then he definitely couldn’t send him away to go live with a fictional creature. “D’aww you’d miss me terribly, doll, if you sent me away.”

Zemo hummed in response, but only laid his head back on Bucky’s chest. He felt one of Zemo’s hands squeeze his hip and knew that was his husband’s way of agreeing. Whenever they had to go on missions separately (which wasn’t often nowadays, Sam couldn’t deal with the pining, as he called it), they always missed each other horribly; never feeling happy until they were back together again.

“Joker?”

“Darling, if you keep suggesting names like that, Alpine will be sleeping in the bed from now on and you can sleep on the sofa.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’t I?”

“You’d miss me wrapped around your back, don’t even deny it.”

Zemo sighed against his chest but wasn’t able to deny it. Bucky’s husband was a very big cuddler and he never slept well without Bucky wrapped around him. Bucky took his role as his chosen protector very seriously… even if Zemo could look after himself, he still allowed Bucky to watch his back and Bucky never forgot how privileged he was to be chosen to do it.

“You do know that they said my middle name at our wedding, hmm?”

Bucky flushed. He’d been hoping Zemo wouldn’t bring that up. “Yeah—I know—I, umm… kinda wasn’t listening to that part?”

Zemo looked up at him again with both eyebrows raised. “You weren’t listening?”

“I mean, I listened when you did your vows, and I definitely listened to the bit where we both had to say I do… but, um… the bits before that I was, kinda…distracted.”

“By what?”

“You.” Bucky smoothed a hand down Zemo’s back, slipping it under the waistband of his pyjama bottoms and cupping his ass.

“You were distracted by me so much you didn’t listen to the registrar?” Bucky could see Zemo’s mouth curling up into his patent smirk, and just knew his husband was never going to let him forget this. Well, if he was going to be teased, he might as well go all in.

“Yes—” He sighed. “—You looked so good in your wedding suit that I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, okay?”

Zemo leaned up and kissed him softly. “I married a sap, it seems.”

Bucky huffed out a laugh, capturing Zemo’s lips in a kiss again, because he could never get enough of kissing the man. “You knew that about me already, doll.”

“Hmm, but it’s nice to be reminded.”

Zemo nuzzled against his chest again like a cat, and Bucky was sure there was some purring in there as well.

“You know, darling, it’s really not that difficult.”

“You said that that time on the mission in Turkey.”

“Yes, and we survived didn’t we? But, honestly. I’m surprised you haven’t guessed it yet.”

Bucky thought for a few minutes, then grinned. “Jebediah?”

(He should have expected the nipple pinch, really.)

“Ow.”

“Oh that did not hurt, dear husband of mine. You like it when I pinch harder than that.”

Bucky had very little defences against Zemo, the man knew him so well, but Bucky rather liked that about their relationship. Zemo had the power to absolutely destroy Bucky and he never did. He just loved him back just as fiercely…. And occasionally tweaked his nipple when Bucky said something particularly stupid.

They laid there for a while, content in the quiet around them. Bucky wondered what name it could be that Zemo believed it would be easy to guess. They didn’t know that many people with J names, and the one who Zemo spent the most time with was him.

… who had a name beginning with J.

Bucky sighed. “It’s James isn’t it?”

He wiggled when he felt Zemo’s breath tickle his skin as he laughed in amusement. “Yes, it is, darling.”

“That’s why you haven’t called me James this whole conversation isn’t it?”

Zemo looked up at him with big, brown eyes as he tried to look innocent. “Would I do that to you, James?”

“Oh you little shit!” He grinned as he flipped them over so Zemo was underneath him; his pale, freckled skin stood out against the dark purple of their bed sheets. His brown eyes sparkled in the morning sunlight, and Bucky would never get over how lucky he was to be married to Zemo. “What am I to do with you, hmm?”

“Not get so distracted by me the next time we get married?” Zemo smirked at him.

“I’ll bear that in mind.” Bucky drawled, sounding unamused but inside he was thrilled that Zemo would marry him more than once. He shuffled down Zemo’s body so he was now fully under the covers, and peered up at him. “I think for now though, I’m gonna make you scream out my name so I’ll never forget your middle name again.”

“Oh, if you insi—“ Zemo bit off the end of the sentence, moaning as Bucky wrapped his lips around his cock and sucked.

Yeah, he had very few defences against Zemo, but Zemo also had very few defences against him. And after six years together, Bucky knew that there was no better way of get his husband to stop talking than by sucking on his cock.

…Or getting Zemo to suck his, but he figured they could do that afterwards.

He definitely made Zemo scream out “James” though, so he figured his plan to never forget Zemo’s middle name again had worked.

Of course, he’d make sure to reinforce the knowledge on a regular basis.

Zemo does sound pretty screaming their shared name, after all.

Notes:

Thoughts for the Fuddle?