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Another day, another argument.
It should have been “another dollar,” but Junior Agent Zanotto knew better. Junior Psychonauts were paid, but nothing could compensate Lili enough to deal with the incessant bickering between Raz and Bobby. Whenever they made eye contact, it was go time. Usually, Intern Zilch started it with an uncouth remark, and Junior Agent Aquato often escalated their feud. Other times, they would be at each other’s throats. They never fought at headquarters with their jobs at stake, but the Questionable Area was free game, and on several occasions, she found them brawling in the dirt, putting on a show for the critters.
But Raz had found a new way to agitate Bobby. While Bobby had often been the main aggressor, Raz delighted himself in bothering Bobby during his shift at the Noodle Bowl. Either he would prank call Bobby with an obnoxious order fifteen minutes before his shift ended or he’d visit Bobby, rattling off a long, long list of foods that he wanted. Three days ago, it was a squid platter, extra ink. Lili could have sworn she saw blood seeping into Bobby’s sclera when he forced himself to resist the urge to beat Raz with the nearby napkin dispenser.
Today was no different. She caught Raz in the act. She was leaning against the doorway of the cafeteria and found Bobby raking his fingers through his mop of orange curls. He stood behind the counter at the Noodle Bowl while Raz held a notebook on the other side of it, listing off his extreme order in one breath.
Bobby clenched his fists, resting his elbows on the table. He shot his hands out at Raz, the hustle and bustle of the kitchen echoing within the closed door behind him. “Ass-crobat, for the four hundredth fucking time, the cooks don’t make apple cinnamon oatmeal. They don’t make roasted ducks. And they sure as balls don’t make gluten-free bread, whatever the hell gluten is.”
Raz whistled, his eyes wide in delight. “Aw, are you sure about that? Because the menu says otherwise.”
“It does not,” Bobby hissed, reaching under the counter. He slapped a menu in front of Raz and flipped it open. “You see this? See what it says? Only a variety of noodles! Nooooooodles.” He hunched forward, leering at Raz. “They don’t make anything else. If you keep trying to send in orders with my name attached to it as if I approved it to make me look stupid, then I’m gonna tear out your eyes and serve them to you on a silver platter.”
Raz clicked his tongue. “I think you’ve already threatened me that way before. You need to write some new material.”
“How about this?” Bobby exclaimed, throwing up his arms. “I will punch you! Plain and simple!”
Yawning as Bobby’s face grew red hot, Raz stretched and tapped his finger on the menu. “Well, can you get me a single linguine? You know, since the customer is always right.”
Lili noticed the other agents sending them irritated glances. They were trying to eat in peace or have normal discussions, but their arguing echoed throughout the cafeteria. While the other interns or Junior Psychonauts liked a good, old-fashioned teenage brawl, the agents who had been present for years found them intolerable. As she made her way down the ramp, she heard one agent whisper the name of the Second Head to her cohort, and she sucked in a breath through her teeth.
“These morons are going to get fired if someone tattles on them again,” Lili grumbled, shaking her head. Clearing her throat as she strutted over, she called out to them. “Oh, not this again! Hey, brainiacs, settle down!”
They jumped at the sound of her voice. Lili gripped her hip and looked between them, both boys reminding her of deers trapped in headlights. Bobby recovered first, straightening his back and crossing his arms over his chest. Raz closed his notebook and slipped it into his bag, flashing her a pearly white grin of innocence.
Bobby leaped at the chance to blame Raz. “Zanotto, tell your big-headed boyfriend-!”
“My head’s not that big!” Raz interjected.
“It’s enormous! Anyway, Zanotto, tell your big-headed boyfriend to stop coming around here. I’ll kick his ass in the Quarry after I finish up my classes later today.”
“I’m not mediating your fights, you clowns. Where do you think we are, summer camp?” Lili huffed, shaking her head. “All I’m saying is to cool it. Someone might tell Hollis that you two keep disrupting the peace around HQ-” She jabbed her fingers at them. “-and she’ll happily remove you both from the Psychonauts regardless of your contributions.”
Raz blanched, but he gave a quick shake of his head. “And what did Bobby contribute to the Psychonauts again?” he cheekily asked, hitching his thumb at Bobby. “You know, besides being a total ass.”
Bobby’s lip curled, the metal of his braces glinting in the light. “I will send a million plastic forks and knives spiraling through your body if you keep this up,” he seethed. The plastic utensils in a nearby bin shuddered as if to prove Bobby’s point.
Lili groaned sharply enough to talk over Raz. She dragged her hand down her face, wondering why they couldn’t pretend to get along for five minutes. If they valued their careers, then they would have set aside their differences for the sake of their job longevity.
But when they glared at each other, an idea hit Lili. She lowered her hand, a grin tugging at the corners of her lips. She smoothed down her jacket as they started squabbling over something completely inane.
“You know, just watching and listening to you two gave me something to ponder,” she began, drawing their attention back to her.
“Uh, what about?” her boyfriend asked, Bobby cocking his head.
“You two are so handsy and physical,” Lili said, raising her eyebrows, “that I think you two should just get your frustrations out by kissing and making up.”
She had never seen any person’s eyes widen to the point of bulging in her entire life. Their faces grew long in shock. Bobby sputtered out a garbled, panicked cry. He leaned away from the counter as Raz’ mouth dropped, holding up his hands, Lili wondering if any of the local flies would try darting down their throats.
“Hell no! Lili! Where did you get that goddamn idea from?” Bobby screeched in a voice that sounded eerily similar to his childhood self.
Lili grinned and shrugged. “Oh, I mean, Bobby, you did pin him to the ground in a fight last week. Any romantic reason for that?”
“To kill him! To maim him!”
“Not to passionately make out with him like you’ve totally wanted to as a kid?”
“No! And I’ve never wanted to kiss him! I have standards!”
Raz blinked, dragged out of his stupor. He crossed his arms over his chest, snapping, “What standards do you have? Not that I’d ever kiss you, either, but I doubt you have standards.”
As Bobby uttered a noise that reminded Lili of a dying seagull, Lili smirked at Raz. Despite his sudden lucidity, he looked ready to faint at any second. All of the color had drained from his face. He glared at Bobby, who moaned into his bony hands, then gave Lili his undivided attention.
“You know, if that’s what this looks like, I think I’ll stop coming to the Noodle Bowl for a long time,” he muttered, creeping away from the counter.
“Good. You better,” Bobby grumbled through his fingers.
Lili chortled at them. She found that she had settled their disagreements and melees for about a week. Embarrassing them was a fun pastime, and she didn’t feel the slightest bit guilty when they scowled at each other.
“Oh, wait, I did come over here to make an order,” Lili piped up as Bobby raised his middle finger to Raz’ face.
Dropping his hands, Bobby sighed and tapped on the register. “Fine, fine, Lili. What can I punch in for ya?”
Clearing her throat, Lili drummed on the counter and deadpanned, “Can I have a single linguine?”
Raz erupted in merriment, and Bobby threw off his Noodle Bowl apron. He announced he was going on his smoke break and stormed away from them, Raz and Lili laughing at his backside. As he marched out the door, lighting a joint without fear of repercussions, Lili smacked Raz’ shoulder.
“Hey, what are you doing, Raz? Your boyfriend is leaving without a kiss goodbye,” she sneered, and she burst into another laughing fit as Raz and Bobby immediately turned on her, screaming in denial.