Work Text:
The location of confrontation was the docks at Pier 22. Predictable enough for Two-Face, Barbara supposed, wheeling back to her station with a fresh bowl of popcorn carefully balanced on her knees.
Glancing at her screens, Barbara tapped her headset mic on and spoke. "Oracle to the bats, the perimeter looks clear enough as far as four blocks out from the docks. Two-Face must be keeping all his goonies close to the chest."
"I hate it when you call them that," Nightwing complained. "That's slander and defamation to one of the greatest movies of all time."
"You're being dramatic," Barbara retorted, rolling her eyes and readjusting her camera angles on the dock.
"I can be dramatic and right," Nightwing pouted.
"Of course you can, dear," she comforted, distracted by movement on her screens.
"Haha! She just shut you down, Dickhead," Hood snickered.
Before Nightwing could deliver his reply, Barbara interrupted. "Oracle to Batman, I see movement. Confirmed sighting of Two-Face and... eleven, no- fourteen henchmen," she reported, counting quickly. "Should be simple enough."
"Don't jinx it," Spoiler laughed cheerily.
"She's right," came Batman's gruff voice over the comms. He didn't specify who was right, though. "Each of you know your assigned points of entry. Take out your respective henchpeople and then take care of the scene. Leave Harvey to me."
Acknowledgements came from every comm line.
"On O's signal," Batman said. The comm was still with anticipation. It swelled with every second.
Barbara loved it.
"Now!"
Eight bats sprang into action... and everything was chaos.
Immediately the comm was filled with gunshots and shouting and the playful banter of Robins past and present. Damian was finally getting the hang of that aspect of Robin’ing, although they still required the coaxing of other bats to engage. Batman beelined right for Two-Face, who launched instantly into his monologue. Barbara tuned it out. It wasn't anything she hadn't already heard.
For the next few minutes, Barbara was fully occupied as Oracle- watching the backs of the family she had come to love and snagging the occasional handful of popcorn. It was about six minutes after she had given the 'go ahead' to begin the fray that this comfortable, familiar routine became disrupted.
By none other than Batman.
"That's enough , Two-Face!" Batman finally snarled, anger dripping from each word.
All action and noise on the docks ceased near instantly, everyone from goons to bats looking at Batman in surprise. Barbara found herself similarly frozen in place.
Even the fugly half of the rogue's face managed to look hurt and offended. "Two-Face?" The usually raspy growl was softer, more like how the lawyer used to sound. "What gives, Bats- it's always been 'Harvey' before?"
Dear God, did Two-Face actually sound hurt by this abrupt name change?
All assembled goons and bats were still frozen with shock in various stages of battle. Heck, Hood was even holding a still flaming splinter of wood but no one paid him any mind. Everyone was completely focused on the two respective leaders.
Batman crossed his arms and leveled his harshest Batglare to date at the villain. "It's 'Two-Face' when I'm mad at you."
"Oh shit," Red Robin mumbled over the comms. "The dads are fighting."
Barbara strained to hear what Batman was saying.
"I call Two-Face in the divorce," Spoiler whispered back, her voice cutting over what was being said by the oldest vigilante.
"As the first, oldest, and most experienced member of this family, I think this is the perfect opportunity to pitch in and say that no one is calling dibs in the divorce," Nightwing interjected softly. "Until after me. I get first dibs."
"What, no! Why?" Robin protested quietly.
"Um, for every reason I just said? Also because I’m the prettiest."
“Rude-”
"Okay, um," Signal broke in mildly, "just to clarify, is this like a limited number of slots with each dad situation, or-"
"I call second dibs," Hood interrupted, still in a whisper. "I'm second oldest, second most experienced 'n all that shit 'Wing said, plus I died first-"
It was kind of impressive how effectively all the batsiblings could groan sotto voce.
"-so I get second dibs!"
"No. Second."
"Oh, fuck you, Black. I was here first!"
"Older. Prettier. Second. Bruce."
A few voices came back in protest at that but Black Bat simply spoke again, quiet and firm. " Bruce ."
That stopped that argument. Hood sighed in annoyance. "Fine, guess I'll snag third, since Black is being a bitch."
"I guess that makes me fourth."
"I would still really like to know if-"
"Cool, fifth for me then. Now-"
"Can I call Batwoman in the divorce?" Hood wondered softly.
"Excuse yourself for your misspeak, Spoiler," Robin hissed. "I shall claim the fifth spot."
"Haha, no. I don't think so, brat. To quote your big sister, I'm older, prettier, and I've been doing this longer. The slot is mine fair and square. I'm taking Two-Face."
"Again, is this a limited availability thing for each of them? I feel like this is important context information to make a decision-"
"Bite your tongue, you currish whore! I accept the claims of my brothers and sister before my own-"
"Nightwing, you are not allowed to cry in uniform."
"-but I will not allow an intruder on the fringe of this family to lay claim to a spot that should by right go to me as-"
"Half my share of Agent A's after patrol snack and one week's guano duty that they say blood son," Hood muttered.
"I'll take that action," Red Robin confirmed.
"-a member of this family-"
"I will collect."
"I can't afford the words I want to say to you right now."
"Everyone shut up!" Barbara roared over the comm line. Well, she didn't really shout. She just spoke at normal level but after the past few minutes of intense whispering, a normal volume sounded much louder.
"There is some serious telenovela drama shit going down right now right in front of you and if I miss any more of it because of your inane squabbling, there will be hell to pay. Got it?"
There was silence on the comms, which Barbara took as agreement, and she refocused on the, frankly, passionate speech Batman was delivering to a sullen cowed Two-Face.
"- and it's because of that that you've crossed a line, Two-Face. You've pushed and pushed and I've let myself be pushed because of your history and our history together, and because I wanted desperately to believe that Harvey was still in there somewhere and if I was just patient enough, he would come back and you would be gone." Batman drew himself up to his full height and stared down the disfigured man. "But I've made excuses for you for the last time, Two-Face. I see you now for what you truly are: a sick, angry, evil man who took my friend Harvey away and murdered him." Batman's visible face somehow became even stonier and Barbara watched with bated breath the drama playing out on her screens. A banger line was coming, she could just feel it.
"And I will never forgive you."
Barbara actually gasped, captivated, hands fumbling for her popcorn.
After delivering that emotional exit line, Batman turned on his heel and began to sweep away like an Austenian heroine rebuffing a suitor. "You will wait here for the police to come and take you back to Arkham, Two-Face. I suggest you take the time to think about what you've done." And then he grappled away.
Silence lay heavy over the dock as everyone stared after Batman. Goons and vigilantes alike were still frozen in their stances from the fight before Batman decided tonight was the perfect night to try therapy for the first time.
Barbara flopped back into her chair and sighed in astonishment. "That man is my hero."
That snapped Nightwing into reality. "Yeah, um... okay, this has been a weird night for all of us, but uh... the police are on their way- Oracle, can you call for cops?- in the meantime, uh, Red- no, um, Robin-"
Barbara felt for Nightwing, she really did. Tonight had come so out of left field even she was floundering. Just when she thought things couldn't get any stranger, however, the henchmen surprised her again.
"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Nightwing, sir?" One of Two-Face's henchmen stepped forward. Barbara stared at her screens. Sweet Moses, he had his hand raised.
To his credit, Nightwing recovered beautifully. "Um, yes, Mister...?"
"Bill. Jus' Bill," the henchman offered. "If you want, we can jus' stop the fightin' an' let yous guys tie us up all pretty-like for the Commish."
In the Watchtower, Barbara choked on her drink.
Nightwing was back to staring blankly. "What."
"We could jus' let yous tie us up," Bill explained again, patiently. "We ain't get nothing from keepin' the fight goin'- at least not tonight- but our union covers a hundred per cent of our bail costs, and gives us a little stipend until our court dates. So if yous guys just want to call it, we'll jus' sit an' end this civil, eh?"
"I'm sorry, your what?" Red Robin repeated blankly. "Did you just say your union?"
"Yeah, the Goons of Gotham Union," Bill confirmed. "The boss insists all his hired men join up to protect our workers rights, even if we don't stick wit' him, y'know?"
Barbara lowered her head onto her desk and stared blankly at the floor. A union for henchmen. Now she really has seen everything.
"Right," Nightwing said faintly. "Well, okay. Let's do that then. If you guys would be so kind as to sit down back to back in groups of three to four-"
Less than thirty minutes later, the docks were completely turned over to the GCPD and all the bats were grappling home, all still too much in shock over the evenings events to chat like they usually did.
Barbara watched them as they all found a rooftop about thirteen blocks in from the docks and gathered together to process. Frankly she could use that time too.
There was silence on the comms for another two minutes.
"Okay, but guys, seriously- how does this slot selection work? Are we talking open season, draft picks, limited preferential openings, what? I gotta know. I feel like this is something I should know."