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It hurts.
It hurts so much and Du-sik couldn't even remember what is happening. His head was ringing, voices inside him were screaming and echoing over and over again makes him sick to the stomach. His body was turning on autopilot mode that he didn't even realize he has reached home. An empty house that doesn't feel like home anymore. Not after everything and not after he pushed the love of his life away, returning back to his old shell that he almost discarded completely.
Trembling hands and shuddering shoulder, Du-sik barely standing on his own feet searching for his medication. One he hasn't sought until recently, when he thought he got his life together, when he finally almost lets himself to be happy. Life came crushing down once again, as if it was a reminder from the universe that he's undeserving to be loved, he's not worth of living life filled with rays of sunshine as the only thing attached to him was bad luck. It's as if his ill-fated life has been decided, it's already written in the stars and no one could change that.
Lips quivering with hitched breath, it's excruciatingly painful to feel his own heartbeat. Even breathing feels suffocating for him because he shouldn't have be able to breath. He shouldn't have lived. It should've been him who died. Not his grandpa. Not his hyung.
He downed the pills like there's no tomorrow.
Because for him, his world is already ending.
-----
Du-sik was waiting for himself to be sucked into bleak, endless abyss when the only thing welcomed him was blinding light. He squints his eyes and the next thing he knows, he's somehow sitting on the beach. The very same spot he took Hye-jin to. He is sitting on the sand wearing the unbearably familiar suit, matched with white shirt and a matching tie. Everything seems hazy like he is enveloped with a fog, yet he can see things clearly. He instantly aware none of this was real. It's either he is dreaming or he is already entering the afterlife. Either way is better than facing the reality, so he desperately wishes he could just stay here forever.
“Du-sik ah.”
Du-sik's mind freezes upon hearing the voice. He couldn't muster up a courage to turn around, so he stayed still. But a gentle tap on his shoulder makes him involuntarily turns, and the sight before him is exactly what he has pictured in mind.
It was Park Jeong-u. His hyung who he has been terribly missed. The one he desperately wants to meet once again with all his might.
“Hyung.” Stuttering, his voice was shaky. He subconsciously reaches out to his older brother's face, to make sure he can touch him. And he can.
Jeong-u is staring woefully at the young man who's lost his spark he's had years ago. Unrecognizable, he is not the same man he has known before. Sorrow eyes and somber expression mirrored evidently across his face, reflecting surge wave of inexplicable sadness and guilt that nothing could ever compare.
“Why are you keep living like this, Du-sik?” he asks him softly with concerning eyes Du-sik once familiar to. “None of these was your fault, you have to know that. Stop blaming yourself when you've done nothing wrong at the first place. Stop—”
“Cut it, Hyung. You're dead because of me. Everyone around me met their series of misfortunes the moment they crossed path with me. You couldn't even watch Ha-rang grows up because of me. Seon-ah Noona is left alone because of me. Hadn't you known me, you'd be alive and well living happily with your family. It should've been me, Hyung! I've got nothing to lose, but you had everything. This life should've been yours, not mine!” Du-sik's tone was a mixture of unknown, overflowing emotions. He couldn't even tell if he was angry, sad, frustrated, or all mixed into one. His voice is breaking as his heart shattered into pieces.
Dusik looks up and his troubled eyes meet his brother's. Exasperated, he hopelessly demands. “Can we... Can we just switch place instead?”
Jeong-u's gaze soften at his words. He shakes his head adamantly. “Hong Du-sik, listen to me.”
So does Du-sik, diverting all his attention to the person he knows wasn't even real at the first place. An illusion his subconscious state probably created as a defense mechanism. Nevertheless, he would take that for now. He'd trade anything to seek a comfort in the person he had forever lost.
“Du-sik, don't punish yourself for something that's not even your fault. It was out of your control. Some things are just meant to happen. Nothing would change even if you could go back to the past and attempt to fix it. I'd still meet my fate hadn't I known you, it's already been decided. What's destined to be, will be. You've suffered enough, it's about time for you to let me go. To let go of the past that has been hindering you from pursuing your happiness. You deserve to be happy, Du-sik ah.”
Eyebrows creasing, Du-sik tries to deny those empty words that sounds so promising, words that offers him a solace, a permission to finally set himself free. He is almost convinced, but a haunting image of people pointing fingers at him tying him back down. “No, Hyung. I can't. I don't want to go back. I have no reason to. Just take my place or take me with you. Take me.”
“That's not true. You need to see past beyond the horizon, Du-sik ah. Have you forgotten about the future you've ever dreamed of?” Jeong-u asks and suddenly all Du-sik could see in front of him is Hye-jin.
The said beautiful woman appears before his sight, beaming with a smile that could instantly light up the room, guiding his way back home. There is a little kid, too. The one they could really have if the future was ever theirs. The one Hye-jin has dreamed of. The one Du-sik has been unconsciously yearning for.
“To live happily with you for a long, long time.”
He had written that. No, it was carved the moment the ink dried on the white paper. He had made a pact to himself, and he isn't the type to go back on his words, isn't he?
“Du-sik ah, no matter what happens, keep on living. This time, not in my stead. Live for yourself, chase your own happiness. It might be not easy, there's still long, bumpy road ahead you. But I know you'd be able to go through all of that just like how you always did. You're not alone anymore, so learn to share your pain and hardships too, okay? Stop dwelling on the past because it's time for you, for us, to move on.”
Du-sik looks up to his brother figure in a wistfully hopeful eyes. “Am I allowed to do that?”
Jeong-u nods with tears brimming on the corner of his eyes. They exchanged one last hug before everything vanishes into thin air.
-----
The first thing greeted Du-sik the moment he opens his eyes was an overwhelmingly blinding light, again. He blinks few times to adjust the amount of light passing through his senses. A bitter thought resurfacing seeing the irony of how many times he failed to meet his death when people around him seems to die that easily. The dark thought doesn't last long because the next second he regains his focus, Du-sik immediately spots an awfully familiar figure staying by his side.
It's Hye-jin.
The woman with tears-streaked face whose eyes never left him was quick to notice that Du-sik has regained his consciousness and she promptly goes frantic. “Hong ban-jang! You've woken up! H-how are you feeling? Are you hurt anywhere? W-wait, I'll call the doctor, okay? Wait here and don't go anywhere.”
Du-sik stops her by gently holding onto her wrist, putting her movement into a halt. “There's no need to. I'm okay.”
Eyebrows creases in an instant, Hye-jin's face changes in a split second to an expression that was hard to read. “Okay, you said? Why are you always lying? If you're okay you'd never do this! Why — I'm sorry. Let me just call the doctor to have you examined.” Hye-jin was momentarily close to lose her control given her shaky tone. That's when Du-sik realizes how scared she was to lose him and how terrified he was actually if he never got a chance to see a glimpse of her again.
The doctor came a minute later and gave them an okay to get discharged. Hye-jin didn't exchange any words through the process, so Du-sik stayed radio silent, too.
When they're about to leave, Hye-jin glances at the lost man. She heaves a sigh of relief mixed with lingering worries she can't seem to shake away. “Hong ban-jang, let's get you home.”
-----
Hong Du-sik's home is eerily quiet. The atmosphere is strange, unfamiliar. It's bizarre to think it is the same place where the used to share cuddles and dimple kisses. Where only laughter and playful banters was heard. The place where most of their happy memories lies.
Hye-jin guides Du-sik to change clothes to something more comfortable. While she was waiting, she retrieves any sharp objects to be confiscated on her purse to prevent Du-sik from having thought to hurt himself any further. She takes more pills than necessary to make sure he won't overdose again.
Du-sik comes out and Hye-jin's heart hurts seeing how damaged he looks. She can't even be any source of solace to him with her knowing nothing about the matter. Du-sik gives her a subtle smile, which she reciprocates by giving him a forlorn one.
He goes to the couch and placing himself comfortably on it. Hye-jin stays still on her spot. She doesn't even know if he wants her here or if he wants to be left alone, so she decides it's the latter. She'd give him some space to think and she'd give him more time to consider if he would let her in or not.
“Hong ban-jang,” she calls out his name in uncertainty. “I know there's a lot in your mind right now, thought I might not be able to fully understand since I don't know what is it, but—” she takes a brief pause in between to fight hot, prickling tears on her eyes. It pains her to see him in agony like that and she hates herself for not being able to do anything to lessen the burden he shouldered alone.
“—right now, just don't think about anything. The offer still stands and I am willing to wait for you for whatever it takes, so please — please just stay, okay? Don't do that again. Never, never do such things again.” Hye-jin chokes up a little, she wants to let him know how scared she was the moment she thought she has lost him forever. She wants him to know how precious he is to her, how she wants to hold him dearly, closer to her and make sure no one would hurt him again. She wants to cross more lines just to be by his side. But then it'd be selfish if the owner of the house hasn't let her in yet. It'd be impolite to just barged if the doorkeeper hasn't given up and give her pass to enter. So, she would wait.
“I'm going, then,” Hye-jin excuses herself. Her feet hanging in the air as she feels heavy to actually leave him behind.
As if Du-sik could hear her inner turmoil, he calls out to her, “Hye-jin ah.”
There, even after everything, his voice calling out her name still sounds like a music to her ears. Hye-jin puts her steps into a halt, turning around to find Du-sik staring at her with eyes glinting with hope, fear, and longing mixed into one.
“Listen to my story before you go.”
At last, after relentlessly knocking on his door, he lets her in.
—Fin.