Chapter Text
I always thought of Dazai-San as a coworker, mentor, and a savior. But lately it’s changed for me every time I look at him I just get a fuzzy feeling in my chest. Any slight of touch makes me want more. Or his voice
sounding so elegant and his handsome features.
“Hey, Atsushi-Kun I know I’m cute and everything but please stop staring at me.” I blush vigorously as I’ve realized I have been staring at him for a long time now. “S-sorry Dazai-San I was just thinking and it just happened to be where you were.”
Anyone could tell that was a lie even I could but I couldn’t go back on it now. He looked at me suspiciously and smirked with a shrug “If you say so.” He went back to listening to music and sleeping. As I went back to work trying not to let my embarrassment get the best of me.
The day goes by in a flash and I’m tired from all the reports I had to tell Kunikida-san that I’m taking a day off tomorrow. Walking home with Kyouka I just thought of tomorrow as the day I was going to tell Dazai-San I like him. Also that day was the day I first met him and he changed my life. “Atsushi-kun, why are you so happy?”
I smile at Kyouka-Chan, feeling blush coming on my face as I say “I’m just thinking about someone.” I looked at her with my innocent smile but all I got was a devilish smirk. “Oh! So you're going to confess to Dazai-San then.”
I felt confusion and embarrassment all over my face. “How did you know?” She sighed like I was stupid or something “It’s obvious with they way act or look at him.” I sighed in defeat as I realized that if Kyouka-Chan knew then everyone else surely did. “So how are you going to tell him?”
I sighed in exasperation , still not knowing how I wanted to tell Dazai-San that I like. But all I knew is that I’m going to tell him tomorrow and what I was going to say was probably why I like him.”It’s okay if you don’t know Atsushi-kun but you should really tell him.”
I smiled at her to tell her ‘l understand’ we finally made it to the apartment and I opened the door to our apartment and took off my shoes. “Kyouka-Chan, go take a bath, I'll start dinner.” She nodded her head and headed off to the shower I look in the fridge for anything I could make and luckily I had all the ingredients to curry.
I start cooking only to think about Dazai-San and how I should do it. Well for starters I do know that I want or need to do it tomorrow. But all I need to do now is find out what to give him. “Is food ready?” I turn around to see Kyouka-Chan in her star consolation pajamas. “Yes.”
After eating I grab our dirty plates and put them in the sink. I tucked Kyouka-Chan in telling her goodnight as I walked to the kitchen to clean everything. As I finish cleaning I look for any tiny dessert to eat before bed. I found some chocolate in the freezer and that’s when it hit me.
Dazai-San always talked about how much he loved chocolate so why don’t give him some, give flowers and tell him at the spot where we first met. I get ready for bed and all I can think about is how Dazai-san would love it or not. I mean all I can think is hopeful about the whole thing even though a tiny bit of me is scared he’ll reject me. I finished putting on my pajamas. I go to bed trying to wash away those thoughts.
Leave me feeling really happy. I mean I get to tell Dazai-san that I love him. Isn’t that the greatest thing ever? I finally see the market store and I grab a buggy, my pen, and my notebook out ready for my task. I walk through the store grabbing the things I need then head home to see Kyouka-chan wrote me a note.
Dear Atsushi,
I know you got this and don't forget to tell Dazai-san where you want to meet!
I smile and frantically look for my phone and call Dazai-san. “Hello Atsushi-kun, I heard you took the day off, why?” “Ummm, that's not important. What I wanted to ask was do you want to meet by the tea house?” “The one by the river?” “Yes!” “Sure why not, what time?” “Seven pm.”
“Okay, bye.” I feel my face heat up as I think more and more about today, I start making my chocolate. After burning, messing up the ratio, and burning/ cutting my fingers in the process, luckily the tiger healed me.
I finally had it perfected and put it in the fridge then to remind myself in a bag for later. I look at the time to see it's 6:00 and I start getting ready. I clean everything up in the kitchen, and go take a shower. I got out and put on a blue sweater that slightly showed my shoulder feeling a bit daring today, and skinny black jeans.
I walk there feeling my body heavy from this big great night. I walked over the bridge looking at the moon as it made me feel come somehow probably because Byako reacted to my feelings very greatly. Or if I get rejected I know that she was there for me.
I open the door to the Chazuke shop and step inside. The waiter suggested that I sit at a small two table “Are you the only person?” I smile nervously just thinking about him “Yeah they are!” I feel so excited that I just had to say it kind of loud for everyone one to know. The woman smiled and nodded her head and left.
It’s been twenty minutes and he hasn’t come, I sighed. What if he doesn’t want to come or he just ditched me, I look over to see the waitress look at me with concern. I smile hopefully that she didn’t see the sadness in my eyes. I wait for another twenty and nothing, “Would you like anything on the house?”
I nodded my head and she left. I sat there just feeling my body go limp as the perfect day for me was ruined. I mean why was I so happy? I’m ugly, worthless, and somebody in the world that's wasting the world's air as if I should die.
I get my chazuke and thanked the girl for the food and left. I start crying as I eat , not caring if anyone watched me cry pitifully in my food. I ate all that I could and left the chocolate behind for the nice waitress.
I started heading back home, and all I could hear were the sounds of Yokohama laughing at me as I basically got rejected. I look down at my feet and watch the ground go past me. I see a bunch of feet on the ground and I look to see a long line for this fancy restaurant.
The restaurant called Aria, I look up at the windows to see the light practically blinding me yet look like twinkling stars. I see the beautiful couples and friends laugh and enjoy life. Until I saw a mop of curly brown hair, the man had bandages and a very nice suit.
Kissing a red hair guy, blue ocean eyes, and love in the air. I don’t want to say his name but could it possibly be Dazai Osamu, the man I love with someone else. I want to just know you as a man who just wears bandages, moppy brown hair, and love in those eyes for the red haired man.
I feel my chest heat up, my mind blurs, my body feeling weak, and my eyes blurry. Thoughts rushing over me again and again as hot streams of tears come down. I could feel the stairs of concern from other people. But didn’t have the courage to say anything. I cry as I look at him looking at that man with sooo much love.
I envy the red hair and for a second I hated him but not enough to act. I ran away somewhere knowing that it was unhealthy for me to watch them until I cried it all out. I ran until I stopped feeling tired, why did he not look at me that way? Why? Why?
I drop to the floor as my body didn’t want to stand. As jealousy, envy, rage consumed me. I smell something sweet almost like tulips. I wipe my eyes only to find myself in a field of white tulips all around, I lay just wanting to feel numb and relax.
As I relax I feel my body go limp, my eyes getting heavy and my thoughts no longer there. “Night Atsushi-kun, I hope you like your new place.” Finally I’m asleep.