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Kurt wasn’t a spiritual person. He prided himself on operating with logic and science, using evidence to base his decisions on. At least, that was what he told himself. Because he often allowed his heart, that stupid organ that pumped lifeblood through his body, to make his choices for him. That was what lead him to New York, without a plan or safety net. It led him to accept Blaine’s marriage proposal, despite the knowledge that Blaine was not capable of physical or emotional fidelity.
And it led him back to Lima, Ohio. Instead of staying in New York to work on his education and further his career goals, Kurt found himself back at his old high school to try to drag the show choir from its grave. He was working with Rachel, who had totally torpedoed her career and was left rummaging for what scraps of past glory she could salvage. He came to try to win Blaine back after his logic finally had a moment to overrule his heart and he’d ended their engagement. Then his heart took command again and lead him back to his hometown, only to be shattered at the realization that Blaine moved on so quickly from their failed relationship.
Seeing Blaine with Dave… it finally broke whatever hold the other young man had over him. Instead of trying to think of a way… any way… that he could win Blaine back, all Kurt could think about was how stupid he was. That he would throw away so much, and put his future career at risk, for the man who’d cause him so much pain. Kurt didn’t want to think too hard over what else he’d sacrificed because the thought of a certain Englishman’s bright smile just brought him more regret.
His father was down in Washington with his stepmother, leaving Kurt alone in the house. Being alone gave him too much time to think but he appreciated the solitude. Too many people were trying to tell him what to do when all it was doing was twisting him into knots. He needed to work out the tangle that his life had turned into before it ensnared him to the point that he never escaped.
In the back of his closet were three boxes that he hid away from anyone else’s view. Not even his father had seen them. Burt Hummel had managed to find the one gay porn magazine that Kurt had thought was perfectly hidden, and there was the time that Carole was checking his dresser for laundry and found the sex toy that he’d ordered online. Both of those episodes had been exercises in mortification, but they never found these boxes. Kurt had gotten very good at secreting them away.
Not for the first time, Kurt was glad that he’d left them here and not tried to bring them to New York. They were safer here, because his life was in such turmoil and he didn’t want to chance them getting damaged or lost or found. These were private and the last thing he wanted was for someone to go rummaging through his memories.
The first box was the oldest, the sturdy pasteboard decorated with lace and sequins taken off of a woman’s formal dress. Kurt let himself smile as he pulled it from its secret place, his hand stroking the fabric as he considered what it held inside. A number of photographs of his parents from before he was born. Some letters that his mother had written to his father while Burt was away on military service. The half-empty bottle of her favorite perfume and the dried-out bottle of her red nail polish. Even the pressed corsage that his mother had worn the night Burt had taken her to their first formal dance. Keeping them safe always made Kurt feel better, because they were reminders that his mother had been a flesh and blood person and not just a ghost that haunted his childhood memories.
The second box was the newest and held a few precious mementoes from his stepbrother. Some photos and the dried boutonniere that Finn had worn the day that their parents married. Kurt hadn’t gotten around to really decorating the box yet and was trying to figure out a way that he could do so that would properly honor his brother’s memory in a way that his brother would have appreciated. Finn deserved that consideration.
The last box was pulled from its place and Kurt allowed himself a few moments to look over the decorations that he’d so carefully glued on the cardboard. He’d spent over an hour to make sure that the red ribbon was perfectly tied to match the bowties that Blaine wore. The spirals of glitter that looked like the fireworks that had burst in Kurt’s heart the moment that their eyes met for that first time on the Dalton Academy staircase.
Kurt couldn’t help from holding the box close to him, letting the tears well up in his eyes as he carried it downstairs to the living room. Sitting before the fire that he’d kindled in the fireplace, Kurt placed the box down on the floor and with the reverence of one revealing a religious relic, he opened the lid.
Blaine never knew about the memory box that Kurt had kept, and that every little thing that Blaine had ever given him was carefully preserved and saved. Kurt never asked if Blaine had kept all the things that Kurt had given to him over the past few years, but that didn’t really matter anymore. Kurt couldn't help from smiling sadly at the memories as he pulled out each item and laid it carefully before him. Each item documenting a moment in their relationship and a memory that he’d wanted to cherish.
Kurt picked up the first item, a dried and pressed pink flower that had come from the boutonniere that Blaine had given him before junior prom. The night where Kurt had been humiliated in front of the entire school, but then got his first dance with a boy who cared about him. Almost without thinking, Kurt tossed the dried carnation onto the fire and watched as the fire quickly devoured it. In a matter or seconds, it was gone. As if it never existed.
Kurt took a long, shuddering breath at the realization that he’d actually done it. He let himself stare into the flames, as if to look for any last trace of the flower which was now less than ash. The fire crackled, as if demanding another offering and Kurt picked up the next item… the first Valentines Day card that Blaine had given him. It wasn’t particularly romantic and was actually kind of childish and cheesy, but Kurt had cherished it because it was the first time that he’d ever gotten one from another boy. It too went into the fire and the laminated paper lasted just a bit longer than the flower. Kurt watched as it curled and darkened before falling into ash.
One by one, he fed the contents of the box into the fire and watched them all burn. The photographs of the two of them. The Dalton necktie that Blaine had given him as a keepsake when Kurt transferred back to McKinley took a good while to burn. The program from the regional competition where they had performed a duet. All of the keepsakes that documented the course of their relationship, from its very first moments to the last went into the fire. Even the box itself was consigned to the fire, the sparkles cracking brightly as they burned to ash.
Kurt knew that this was an important part of mentally cleaning house. He had been right that evening at the café in New York when he ended things with Blaine. There were so many reasons why they should no longer be a couple and seeing how quickly Blaine had been able to move on… it was past time for Kurt to do the same. Relegating his dead relationship to its funeral pyre would let him finally move on.
The final item took the longest for Kurt to let go. He looked down at the ring woven from gum wrappers in his hand, thinking of all the promises that Blaine had made that day and then broke. It was almost mocking Kurt in how he was clinging to the meaningless bit of garbage. A bundle of gum wrappers that should have been tossed in the trash had he known just how worthless Blaine’s promises would be. He should have laughed at Blaine’s sentimental platitudes instead of being swayed at his declarations.
Seeing Blaine with Dave broke something inside of Kurt. It was bad enough to know that while he’d spent the past few months struggling and feeling lonelier than he’d ever been in his life that Blaine had been dating the young man who’d spent so much time tormenting Kurt. It wasn’t that Kurt still held resentment for Dave because he did understand what was motivating him, but for Blaine to want to be with Dave knowing what he did… Kurt had to wonder if Blaine had ever really cared for him at all, or if Blaine was just so self-centered that it didn’t matter.
With a flick of his wrist, the ring flew into the fireplace and the last thread binding Kurt to Blaine finally snapped. It seemed like the ring of braided paper vanished the instant the first lick of flame touched it. And just like that, every trace of Kurt’s past with Blaine was gone.
He didn’t know how long he saw there, starting into the fire as if looking for answers to questions that Kurt never allowed himself to ask. He’d totally lost track of the time and must have dozed off because it seemed that one minute he’d closed his eyes and when he opened them, the flames had died down and the logs reduced to glowing embers. There was no trace of anything that he’d placed in the fires, everything having been burned and broken down to carbon and soot.
Kurt sat before the dying fire, his mind starting to churn with the knowledge of what he needed to do now. It was as if he’d broken a spell and could finally act. His first action would be to contact his academic advisor at NYADA and see about changing his internship plans. It was hopefully still early enough for him to go back to his original plan at the nursing home. Then he would call Isabelle and let her know that he was returning to New York.
New Directions didn’t really need him, and he knew that he needed to focus on himself and not on holding Rachel’s hand. She’d burned her bridges and needed to figure out her own way forward. And now that he’d burned his, he knew what direction his path lay in. As for Blaine…
The past was ash and coal, but Kurt’s future would be a bright one. And he finally felt that he was ready to meet it.