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They sat in silence, each on one side of the bed. Niles had one knee up to his chin and was bouncing the other one. It was kind of stressing Ryoma out, but he didn't ask Niles to stop. If he was this stressed he had no idea how stressed Niles must be. Niles had just been ripped away from his home and the love of his life.
He should say something. Ryoma knew that. He was the alpha. It was his responsibility to speak first. Niles was probably waiting for him to. But Ryoma couldn't. He just couldn't. Because it wasn't Niles he wanted on the other side of the bed. It was Orochi.
Niles wasn't the only one who had lost the love of his life. Orochi had been the most incredible person Ryoma had ever met. She had been wise, but in a clever way as opposed to all knowing. She had been kind and loyal, she had served Mikoto for years before pledging her loyalty to him.
She was only six months younger than Ryoma, closer to eight months now, though, as the dead don't age. Even before their relationship Orochi had always been a part of Ryoma's family. She knew all the embarrassing stories. She knew that Sakura had dolls of all of them for good luck. She knew that when Takumi lashed out it was because he was afraid.
She knew that Corrin tried so hard to reach everyone because she had spent so much of her life alone. She knew that Azura kept to herself because she was afraid that getting close would make it hurt when she lost them like she had lost so many before.
She knew that Hinoka had given her life to protecting the people she cared about because losing Corrin had made her feel helpless. And she knew that Ryoma tried to be strong because it was much easier than feeling. She had known Ryoma.
“Do you just want to get this over with?” Niles asked. Ryoma stared at him blankly. Niles sighed irritatedly. “You know, consummating the relationship?”
“Oh,” Ryoma said, forcing himself out of his reverie. “I didn't think you'd be up for that.”
“Yukimura said we had to,” Niles said, stretching his fingers and examining his wrist, a very obvious strategy to avoid looking at Ryoma.
“I am the king of Hoshido and he is my advisor - he doesn't make the decisions.”
“Doesn't seem that way to me,” Niles said. “I've seen power struggles before. I've spent time in the Nohrian court, for crying out loud. You are not calling the shots.” Ryoma didn't answer. They both knew Niles was right. “What does he have over you?”
“Excuse me?”
“Why do you listen to him? You're the king of Hoshido, you don't have to take crap from anyone. So there must be some reason you take it from him.”
“Why do you care?” Ryoma asked warily.
“I'm spending the rest of my life here with you whether I like it or not. I might as well know who wears the pants around here.”
“I suppose that's fair,” Ryoma agreed. “He has nothing over me. I just can't say no to him. I can barely look at him.”
“And why's that?” Niles pressed. “Was he mean to you as a child?” His tone was slightly mocking, apparently he didn't think very much of an alpha who let himself be pushed around by a beta.
“My mother loved him. Both my mothers. Ikona, my birth mother, always loved him, but never acted on it. She only confessed her feelings for him when she was on her deathbed. Mikoto, my step-mother, was very close friends with him while my father, Sumeragi, was living. After he died, though, she and Yukumira had an ardent affair. She was a complicated woman. She loved three men throughout her life – first Corrin's father, then my father, and lastly Yukimura.”
“I see,” Niles said. “But why does that keep you from being your own man?” Ryoma decided to overlook the fact that the omega he was supposed to mate as soon as possible had just insulted his manliness so matter-of-factly.
“I don't know,” Ryoma answered after carefully considering it. “There is a part of me which cares a great deal about him, as he was always kind to me, and was almost like a second father to my siblings and I after our father died, but there is something deep within me which despises him. For taking my father's place in both my mothers' hearts, I suppose. While my siblings and I were still grieving the loss of our father and the kidnapping of our sister he was slipping covertly into our mother's bedroom and doing everything he could to worm his way into our hearts. I have at times wondered if his kindness to us was only in an attempt to gain more influence and power.”
“It probably was,” Niles said. A long pause. “If you really think that why don't you just kill him?”
“Kill him?”Ryoma echoed in horror.
“Yeah why not? It's what we do to enemies in Nohr. And I'd say taking advantage of the late queen and manipulating the current king is enough to warrant an execution,” Niles said simply, as if he were saying something completely normal and acceptable.
“We don't execute people in Hoshido,” Ryoma said sternly. Niles looked at him in surprise.
“Then whatever do you do with them?” Ryoma stared at him in horror. He took a deep breath.
“You're Nohrian. It makes sense that killing him would be your first thought.”
“What do you mean by that?” Niles asked angrily.
“I'm not insulting you, Niles. I'm excusing your bloodthirstiness.”
“I don't want to be excused!” Niles said, standing up. “I'm not ashamed of my opinion. I might be from Nohr, but that doesn't mean I can't think on my own. All I'm saying is you need to do whatever it takes to protect your power. You'd think an alpha would know enough not to need an omega to tell him that.”
“Sit down,” Ryoma said harshly. Niles did. “You need to learn your place. You have no right to disrespect me. I am the alpha and you are the omega – you will do as I say. Am I clear?” Somewhere along the way his frustrated voice had faded into his Alpha Voice. Niles was staring at him with wide eyes. He nodded slowly. A pang of guilt hit Ryoma. “Let's just go to sleep. You don't have to do anything you don't want to tonight, okay?” Niles’s only response was to nod.
Ryoma sighed. He wanted to reach out and comfort Niles, but he knew better. Niles didn't want his comfort - he wanted Leo's. Ryoma made a note not to use his Alpha Voice on Niles. They both lay on opposite sides of the bed that night.
Niles cried silently when he thought Ryoma was asleep, and Ryoma decided to pretend he didn't hear. It would be better that way. He couldn't believe that he had screwed up so badly on his first night with Niles. He should've just let him stay with Leo.
Ryoma and Niles grew accustomed to each other slowly. They consummated the relationship on the second week, which made things awkward between them for awhile, but by the fifth week they were back on track.
Eventually, they were even at the point where Ryoma would consider them friends, if in an admittedly strange way. But they cared deeply about each other and could talk about anything. Ryoma already felt that Niles knew him in a way no one else ever had.
“What do you see in Leo that I don't?” Ryoma asked Niles one evening as they sat in their room, Ryoma having just finished looking over some important documents and Niles playing absently with a small knife. Niles thought for a moment before he spoke, smiling absently as he did.
“He was smarter than everyone else, and he knew it. He always knew what was right and what was wrong. He wasn't ever afraid to speak his mind.” A pause. “He never hid.” Another pause. “Tell me about Orochi.”
“She was kind. She took care of the ones she loved in her own way. She knew me deeply, in a way that no one else ever has. She saw the future, and did whatever she could to make sure it was bright.” Ryoma sighed. “She was the light of my life.”
Niles placed a hesitant hand on Ryoma's leg and left it there for a moment before withdrawing it. That was the first time Niles had initiated touch with Ryoma. It was huge. Orochi touching him had never been huge. It had been quiet and expected. Soft and reassuring.
Her taking his hand as they walked through the palace gardens or the battlefield at the aftermath of a tough battle. Her putting her hand on his shoulders and rubbing gently when he'd been working himself to the brink of exhaustion.
Her kissing him passionately on the lips when he first confessed his love for her and making him feel alive in a way he never had before. Ryoma smiled sadly.
“I should've mated her,” he said. “We were intending to spend the rest of our lives together, and now I have to live the rest of mine without ever having been her mate. We just never got around to it. We could've done it any time she was in heat, so we never did. We were always busy. There was always next time.”
“Leo wanted to mate me, but I said no every time. I was perfectly content with being bonded, I saw no reason for him to bite me – I was already his. If I had let him neither of us would even be in this situation right now because I would've been his mate. But I was afraid of commitment. I suppose I've been hurt too many times for trust to come easily, though I did trust him, just not enough, I guess. I was afraid of forever.” Ryoma put his arm around Niles's shoulder and squeezed. Niles looked up at him in surprise, but didn't squirm away.
“We're all a little afraid of forever.”
“You aren't,” Niles said. “You would give anything for a forever with her. You're only afraid of a forever without her.” Ryoma opened his mouth to protest, but realized Niles was right.
“I'm sorry.”
“For what?”
“I'm supposed to be preparing for a future with you, but I'm still pining for my dead lover.”
“You can't just decide to be over her. I'm not over Leo. I think about him all the time. We don't ever have to be in love, Ryoma. It would be enough for me if we could be partners.” Ryoma looked at him curiously.
“Most omegas don't expect to be equals with their alphas.”
“I'm not most omegas,” Niles said easily, but Ryoma could tell he was testing the waters, trying to get a taste of what his future would be like. Orochi had done the same thing even though she could see the future. She, too, had demanded to be his equal, and he had respected her for it. Even if he could never love Niles at least he could respect him.
“Fair enough,” he agreed.
Ryoma was meditating when suddenly Saizo was standing at his left side just a step behind him. He looked up.
“Yes, Saizo?”
“Your omega's in heat.” Then, having delivered his message, he left. Ryoma could do with his information what he liked.
When he got to his room Niles was laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, hands fisted so tightly that his knuckles were white. He sat up quickly with a startled expression on his face when Ryoma entered the room. His eyes were wide and he was breathing heavily, waiting for Ryoma to speak first. This time Ryoma did.
“If you want me to leave I will.” He waited. When Niles didn't respond he continued. “We don't want to mate today if you aren't ready, but I am willing to as soon as you are.” Niles stood up and walked cautiously towards him. He was studying Ryoma carefully, his stance guarding, trying to decide how much he could trust him.
Ryoma remained unmoving. Of course Niles's scent was intoxicating, especially now that he was in heat, but he had to be very careful not to spook Niles. Their eyes met. Niles smirked at Ryoma's expression, apparently he wasn't doing as good a job hiding his emotions as he thought he was.
“Let's do this.”
Mating had changed their dynamic significantly. Touching felt easier, more natural, like it made more sense to both of them. They understood each other better now, too, even without talking. But sometimes they still had to talk. And even though they understood each other better now, they still couldn't read each other's minds.
“”Have you heard?” Ryoma asked Niles as he came in. Niles and Takumi both looked up from their game of shogi.
“Heard what?” Niles asked.
“Leo's coming to Shirasagi,” Ryoma said carefully, watching Niles intently to gauge his reaction. Niles set the koma down. He kept his face emotionless, a skill he had learned from Leo, and stood up slowly.
“Thank you for telling me.” He left. Ryoma sighed.
“Guess we're finishing the game later,” Takumi said, getting up. “I'll talk to him.”
“Maybe you shouldn't,” Ryoma said quickly. Takumi's talking to people generally made things worse. “We should give him some space,” he added, to avoid hurting Takumi's feelings when he was finally thinking about someone besides himself.
“You're probably right,” Takumi agreed. “Well, see you later.
Ryoma found Niles a few hours later sitting on the railing to their bedroom balcony. Ryoma had given up trying to convince Niles not to do that because it was dangerous, so he just sighed.
“How are you doing?” he asked. Niles turned around and slid off the railing, probably assuming Ryoma was about to tell him to get down.
“I'm fine. You?”
“Niles, I'm being serious.”
“So am I, Ryoma.”
“You don't care that Leo is coming?”
“Not in the slightest,” Niles lied.
“If you want to have an affair with him you can. You have my blessing,” Ryoma said. Niles looked at him, trying to figure him out.
“That makes no sense.”
“I would give anything to see Orochi again. I'm not going to keep you from Leo.”
“I don't want to cheat on you,” Niles said after a pause. “We are building a future together. I will not betray that.” Ryoma kissed the top of his head.
“I appreciate that, but you are free to change your mind. I will not count it against you if you change your mind.”
Niles had done his best to avoid Leo, not wanting to confront the locked-up feelings that came with him, but now here he was – all alone with the love of his life – the one thing he could never have.
“I love you,” Leo said. “And I miss you.”
“Same,” Niles said, lowering his head.
“You can still run away with me. I know that you're doing this for the good of Nohr, but if you're not happy-” Niles cut him off.
“I was never doing this for the good of Nohr. I don't give a shit about Nohr. I'm doing this because it's the only way to make sure you stay in power, and that's all you've ever wanted.”
“You're all I want,” Leo said, taking Niles's hands in his and holding them tightly.
“You think that now, but if you give up the throne to be with me over the years you will grow to resent me, and I would rather you remember me fondly.”
“Then I will go to war with Hoshido. I will level it to the ground.”
“You know you can't do that. You are a brilliant strategist, but Nohr is no match for Hoshido. You of all people know how much the war devastated us,” Niles said evenly.
“I don't want to leave you here,” Leo said, averting his gaze.
“I know,” Niles said. “But I'll be okay. And so will you.”
“They say I need to find a mate, but that's the last thing I want to do. I am in love with you, Niles, and I always will be.”
“And I will always be in love with you, but we need to be realistic. Find a mate. If you can't find love, find an alliance. Find someone who you can consider an equal, who you can respect. It will be better than being alone.”
“Is that how you feel about Ryoma?”
“Yes. I will never love him, but I care for him greatly. I would choose you over him in aj instant if I could, but he treats me with respect so I am fine, even though I miss you.” Niles paused. “I don't want you to be alone, Leo.”
“You used to get so jealous when I so much as looked in the direction of another omega,” Leo pointed out.
“My love for you outweighs my jealousy of anyone who gets close to you. Find someone, Leo. Do it for me. So that I don't have to worry about you.” Leo sighed.
“I will try.”
“That is all I can ask.”
“You could ask the world of me, and you know it.”
“Kiss me goodbye, then?” Niles asked, smiling sadly. Leo did. “In another life I am yours.” Leo smiled.
“In another life.” And then he was gone.
Ryoma and Niles were sitting outside stargazing. Ryoma had never been particularly interested in stargazing, but Niles was never so calm as when he was looking at the stars, and Ryoma enjoyed seeing him like that.
“Do you ever think of all the other lives we could've lived?” Niles asked. Ryoma considered the question for a moment before answering.
“Sometimes. There are countless things I would go back and change, some as small as my tone of voice and others as big as a life I could've saved.” Niles knew he was talking about Orochi. “But in the end, I wouldn't change anything.” Surprise flashed across Niles's features.
“Why not?”
“Who am I to change things? Who am I to decide that one life is better than another? Right now, right here, with you, I am content.”
“So am I,” Niles said. “Though I never thought I would be here. I didn't think I would ever be anything without Leo.”
“I thought Orochi was the only one who could complete me, but in a strange way you do, too.” They sat in companionable silence for a long time.
“So you’re saying all we should do is look forward? A rather optimistic view.”
“We can afford to be a little optimistic,” Ryoma said, smiling. “It will help us build a future.”
“Yes, rather poetic. We choose tomorrow . . . Who would’ve thought it?” Ryoma laughed.
“Wonders never cease.”
“Our love isn't built on romance,” Niles said, stars reflecting in his eyes. “It's built on the things we endured together and the fact that we both stayed.”
“Don't you think it would be nice if it was built on romance, though?” Ryoma asked.
“No, we both already had our great romances,” Niles answered easily, still staring up at the starry Hoshidan sky. Ryoma put his arm around Niles's shoulders, an act which he had once done so carefully and now did almost without thinking. Niles looked up at him.
“Our love is still pretty great,” Ryoma said.
“The greatest.”