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If you ought to make my mind your home
If you ought to seek a roof in my dreams
At least tell me something
Are you real?
Josie has been avoiding Landon.
Also her dad and sister, on a lesser level. But with both of them no longer at Salvatore, talking is getting harder and harder anyway.
Landon, though, was very much still at school, and therefore avoiding him has become Josie's new routine.
It helps that they don't have phones, and that Josie knows the school grounds better than anyone else in the school - as she has spent years searching for places to hide, to think, to just be alone.
She finds herself at the old mill, this time, and flops down into the fairly old couch that was usually left inside the place.
She hasn't been here in a while, actually.
Looking up, Josie sees the place where she kissed Raf, using the half-true excuse of needing it to siphon from him. She notices, shockingly, that it's been almost a year since then.
And almost a year since Josie was buried alive by her very own mother.
Josie can't help the shivers that run up her spine, feeling almost as if she's there again, in the dark, barely able to move, screaming until her voice becomes ragged and her throat burns, begging for someone, anyone, to save her.
To hear her.
Her hand, as if on autopilot, reaches for her neck.
And, as it has been for the last few weeks, finds it bare of anything.
She keeps telling herself to go to MG and ask for him to give her the talisman back, but there's always something or other that makes her forget.
Absent-minded, Josie caresses her own collarbone, missing the comforting weight and even more comforting magic the piece of jewelry provided.
"Make quiet things heard..."
It comes out without prodding or reason. Josie doesn't know how she knows that, doesn't remember who gave it to her, even.
It annoys her, how that seems to be the case with an increasingly amount of things in Josie's life now.
At least she's able to recall the note, even if only partially.
Hope your birthday wishes come true,
Josie thinks there was a name, but the end of the note is blurry, and the more she tries to remember, the more her head aches and throbs.
Which means it was probably a gift from the same girl from the diary. The one that is forgotten, the one Josie just can't stop thinking about, that one that gave her more migraines than she's ever had in her life - because even if she can't remember, that isn't enough to stop Josie from trying to, and that's apparently very bad for her health.
But she's too invested to stop now.
A mysterious girl, thoughtful presents, a past crush, and something "terribly awful" that may have led to misguided hate and who knows what other repercussions.
Even still, the talisman was a gift for Josie's sixteenth birthday, and that must mean that whatever happened, they got past it, right? She hopes so.
Josie sighs, really wishing to be wearing the talisman. It always helped her think more clearly, and she certainly needs that right now.
She knows, deep down, that it's impossible to remember whoever it is naturally.
She used to think that defeating Malivore would be enough to restore people's memories of those who were forgotten. The fact that it wasn't must mean one of two things: her theory was either wrong, or Landon didn't really defeat Malivore.
She sorely hoped to just be wrong.
Josie gets up from the couch, feeling restless and anxious. Her thoughts are a mess and she feels a need to move, to do anything in order to distract herself.
There's a punching bag a few feet from her, and she approaches it.
Josie stops just a few inches from it and wonders who put it there, thinks it's possibly one of the wolves, and also if getting some bruises on her hands is a worthy sacrifice to relieve some tension.
Her fingers touch the bag carefully, almost as if afraid it will bite - and Josie instantly takes them back, gasping in shock.
Because for a second, she saw it.
A figure, punching the bag with enough strength for it to almost touch the ceiling. The figure was small, certainly smaller than Josie, and her hair... Brunette? Maybe auburn?
She touches it again, more forceful this time, grabbing a handful of it
Nothing happens.
Josie almost thinks she's imagined it, wonders if it was just some sort of hallucination brought to her because she's a tad sleep deprived and very much obsessed with forgotten girls.
But no. No, she refuses to believe it.
She's not crazy. She's not.
Josie punches the bag.
Then does it again.
And again and again and again.
After a while, her head hurts, her hands hurt, her breathing is ragged and she can't seem to focus on anything besides the faint feeling of familiarity that comes with punching.
Not like Josie's done this before, no, her pounding heart is enough evidence that she doesn't really do exercises, but each punch makes her feel less like she's the one punching and more like she's sitting on the couch, watching someone else do it.
She feels a warmth spreading over her chest - hopes she's not having some sort of stroke - and latches on the feeling.
She's both punching the bag and sitting on the couch.
She's both doing homework and sketching on a notepad.
She's both practicing magic and teaching new spells.
She's herself, but she's also someone else.
By the time Josie stops - she doesn't even know how long she's spent here - her hands are bloody, her head is absolutely killing her with the force of it's throbs, and, once again, she's crying.
God, she feels pathetic. Like crying is the only thing she's been doing lately.
The single image Josie got when she first touched the punch bag had degraded, and now the only thing she remembers is that it was a girl, and Josie's not even sure if she really remembers that or if she's just projecting the only detail she already knows on the memory.
It doesn't matter, though.
Memories may disappear, but feelings remain.
It's a lesson she's learning through brute force.
Josie holds both sides of the punching bag, almost hugging it, and rests her forehead on it.
"Stupid. This is all so stupid."
She feels angry, all of a sudden. Angry with Malivore for simply existing, angry with herself for not being able to do more than hold on to crumbs of memories, scraps of feeling, and angry with the forgotten girl because… Because she's gone.
She's gone.
The girl is gone. And whatever hope Josie had disappeared, along with that glimpse of memory that first touching the bag brought her.
It sinks in that whatever she may be able to remember won't make a difference, because soon enough she'll just forget it again.
Pressing the heels of her hands over her closed eyes, Josie feels like screaming.
Maybe because she's so overwhelmed, she doesn't notice the other presence in the room until it is too late.
"Jo..? Is that you?"
Josie freezes.
She doesn't know the voice, not really, doesn't remember ever hearing it before. Regardless of that, her body seems to, and she can't bring herself to move.
She's not scared, not of the voice's owner anyway. But she's afraid of herself, of her own mind. Is it real? Did Josie really just hear that?
Will she open her eyes and find a girl, or nothing but an empty mill save for herself and the voices in her head?
Josie isn't sure which one is better.
"Josie, are you okay?"
Worry. Clear as day. She's never heard the voice before - an argument that is steadily losing any ground - but deciphering the feelings inferred on it feels as easy as breathing, almost like second nature.
Josie takes her hands off her face, but doesn't open her eyes.
"Are you real?"
A beat of silence.
"Yes?"
Confusion, maybe a little amusement, still worry.
Josie soaks it all up, revels in it. She doesn't need to see her face, for her voice is more than readable enough on its own.
And what does that say about Josie? What does it say about both of them?
Taking a deep breath, Josie opens her eyes.
And comes face-to-face with the most beautiful girl she's ever seen.
She gasps, not able or wanting to hide it, and the girl smiles sheepishly at her.
Josie just looks - stares, really. Is hard to even think, let alone do anything else.
She must have seen something on Josie's face, though, because she's suddenly looking very small, vulnerable, and there's this hopeful glint to her eyes.
Josie sort of knows what this is about, can see it coming from miles away, but can't stop it from happening no matter how much she might want to.
Can't bring herself to look away, as well.
"I- do you.. Do you remember me?"
Josie gulps, wanting to look anywhere but the girl but feeling trapped by the blue of her eyes. 'Eyes like sinking ships on water, so inviting, I almost jump in' indeed, Josie muses, thinking back to her diary entries.
"Not exactly. I'm sorry."
The apology slips almost without thought, and Josie holds off the urge to frown - it's a habit she's trying to drop, apologizing so much. It's also currently a work in progress.
The girl sighs and her shoulders drop - disappointed, resigned - it feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders and Josie doesn't like how tired she looks like that.
How very sad.
"It's okay, I didn't really expect you to, it's just.. nothing. It's nothing."
She looks lost, for a second, and uncomfortable. As if she doesn't quite know how to act around Josie and that's a foreign concept to her.
"But what do you mean, 'not exactly'?"
Josie fights against the blush that threatens to cover her face and stands awkwardly where she is. They're both face-to-face, or something like that, but there's quite a bit of space in between them.
It's stiff, Josie thinks.
"I've… Read about you."
It's the truth, but just vague enough as to not disclose 'why' or 'how' or 'where'.
That doesn't stop the girl from asking it, though, and Josie thinks the confused look on her face is oddly cute.
"Where? And why?"
Getting tired of standing and needing an excuse to not look the girl in the eye, Josie decides to sit back on the couch. It backfires when the girl sits down as well - and Josie's going to have to ask for her name soon, because calling her 'the girl' just doesn't do her justice - not close enough as to be invasive, but there, still.
It makes Josie nervous.
"You lived here for years, possibly for as long as me. It's hard to erase that kind of thing."
Josie knows that doesn't really answer her question, but she feels like explaining herself before having to tell her about how 'I wrote about you constantly in my old diary'.
"Did anyone else notice?"
There's a look in her eyes, the first one Josie can't instantly decipher, and it feels like a punch to her guts.
"I.. Don't know. If they did, no one told me. Which, to be fair, I didn't tell anyone either."
That surprises her, Josie notices, and it's thankfully enough to erase the Look, which is a victory all on its own.
"Why not?"
She's simply curious, it seems, not judging, and that's enough to ease the burden of guilt that sits at Josie's shoulder.
"This and that, I guess."
But still, she's not completely comfortable with the truth. Mostly Josie told herself she couldn't tell anyone without more information, but she is self conscious enough to see that was just an excuse.
She was being protective. Protective of a memory.
A memory that is looking at her with the most unimpressed raised eyebrow Josie has ever seen. It's actually quite imposing, and makes Josie blush for reasons she's not nearly ready enough to tackle.
"I'm sorry, it's just, I mean, it doesn't sound like good enough of a reason now? I only had a suspicion, at first, a sense of wrongness, this weird feeling you get when forgetting something important, but amplified."
It's weird, saying all that in front of the something important, especially with the way she keeps looking at her - fondly, listening intently but also a bit distracted, as if she can't really believe she's here.
For the first time, and admittedly very belatedly, Josie wonders how she's here, how she escaped Malivore, but thinks it's best to just finish her own part before delving into what are possibly very sensitive matters.
"When Lizzie went to visit mom and I had more time alone then I knew what to do with, that feeling only grew. I realized I didn't remember some things anymore, like the things I used to do to pass the time, and the more I thought about it, the more I noticed other holes in my memory."
Throughout her small monologue, the girl adopted a guilty face, as if she didn't realize her presence - or lack thereof - would've made such an impact. Josie had to wonder how someone so clearly remarkable could think that.
"You were… Very important, to me, I think. I have in good faith that you gave me at least two of my all time favorite birthday gifts."
Josie smiles, trying to ease her own embarrassment as well as the slight tension from the conversation. She wasn't blaming the girl, not nearly. Josie was sure she had a reason for what she did, whatever it was, and that it probably hurt her just as much as them, if not more - not having anyone remember you can't be a walk in the park by any means, after all.
It works, if barely, and the girl smiles back. Josie is jealous, for a second, that she can actually remember sending said gifts. Jealous that she can actually remember all that Josie has only read about.
"May I know which ones?"
Her tone is slightly teasing, and it makes butterflies fly all over Josie's stomach. She wonders if this is how her younger self felt around the girl, and feels suddenly very sympathetic.
"The talisman, and the copy of Botanica in Originali."
She laughs, and Josie finds herself smiling as well.
It feels real, and also out of use.
Josie still thinks it's beautiful.
"I wasn't very subtle with that one, that's for sure. At least I signed my name with the talisman. And it's not a copy, by the way."
Josie, in a split second, went from being smug that she was right about the book's source - however long ago it was - to absolute shock at that last tidbit of information.
"What do you mean by 'not a copy'?"
Her smile was smug, and were Josie not absolutely baffled at the moment, it would have impacted her way more than it did.
"Exactly that. I have some witch contacts. Or had, I guess."
The sentence makes Josie shake her head, forcing herself to focus on the conversation and catching the way the girl's smile falters as she is reminded of her situation. No memories. No life. No contacts.
"I- thank you. To do that when apparently we weren't even that close.. Really, I love that book so much."
The girl's expression becomes soft, and it feels like she's about to touch Josie's arm, but thinks better of it before actually doing anything.
Josie wishes she didn't.
"You're welcome. But how do you even remember that, though? Malivore was supposed to erase everything related to me."
And there it is, the question Josie so dearly wished to avoid.
"I don't. Remember, that is. Not really, anyway. I know it happened, though, because I read it… I read it in my diary."
Josie almost doesn't hear herself by the time she finishes speaking, having lowered her voice with each passing second. Somehow, regardless, the girl seems to understand it easily enough, and her eyebrows shot upwards.
The corner of her mouth, too, albeit much more subtly.
"You read about me… In your diary?"
She is definitely having some fun with this, way more than Josie herself is. She never really liked blushing, and therefore doesn't do much of it at all, but this girl seems to have a talent to fluster her that Josie isn't really used to.
"Don't tease. It's as valid of a method as any."
Josie can hear the whining tone in her own voice and wonders what in the actual hell is wrong with her that's made her act like a pre teen all over again.
"No no, of course it is. I'm just, was there a lot there? If I remember correctly you were like, thirteen when you had it, and that's when you had your crush on me. I bet you wrote lots about that."
About me, is what she probably means.
And there it was again, that smug smile, and this time Josie was totally affected by it - even with the weight of her embarrassment pilling over her.
"How do you even know about that?!"
The sound of her laugh only barely managed to calm Josie down, but her own face still burned red.
"You told me last year. It was.. Nice. Your exact words when I asked confirmation were, 'of course I did, who wouldn't?'"
Josie, covering her face with her hands, faintly remembers reading something similar sounding in the diary, but the way the girl said it - so very tenderly, but with a hint of teasing - sounded so much… More.
More what exactly, Josie wasn't sure.
"Looks like you remember it quite well."
Getting over her embarrassment a bit, Josie tries teasing back, but besides a light reddening of her cheeks - which Josie catalogs with more than a bit of pride -, the girl simply smiles back. Less teasing, more soft.
"I do. It's a hard to forget type of conversation, what with all the revelations it had. But I think it's mostly because I also had a crush on you around the same time."
She seems so collected while saying this, as if it was an everyday occurrence to just pop up out of nowhere - literally - and admit to mutual crushes of years past.
Josie can't be like that.
"You had a crush on me?"
Josie's surprise is so obvious that the girl lifts a single eyebrow inquisitively, a gesture which Josie pointedly ignores for the sake of her own sanity.
"How come you're so surprised? You shouldn't even remember me, much less have any preconceptions of whom I should like or not."
There's a moment of silence as Josie tries to understand her own feelings in the matter. Because, yes, she's right isn't she? Why was Josie so surprised?
"I… Don't know, actually. Maybe there's a part inside me that remembers you, and it just reacted."
The theory seems to elate the girl, and Josie wonders if she's been thinking of a way to bring people's memories back. Josie would.
No one speaks for a while, and during that time the girl just looks at Josie, and it's such a - dare she say - adoring look that Josie feels almost undeserving of it.
"What?"
Josie asks, once the staring has gone for far too long and she can't hide her curiosity anymore.
"I'm happy."
And she really is, Josie notices. Her body language is overall comfortable and there's this perpetual serene look on her face. Only the hands she's wriggling over her lap betraying the fact she's also somewhat nervous.
"Part of me expected to come back and find that everyone moved on. That no one remembered me, and that their lives were better because of it. I was… Scared, of losing you."
Her eyes bulge out, the same time as Josie's eyebrows nearly rise to her hairline.
"A- all of you, I mean. You, Lizzie, Landon. Just, Salvatore, you know?"
What Josie knows, based on her stutter and the way the girl's cheeks are beet red, is that she probably cared more about Josie in some way or other. But Josie doesn't know what to do with that information, so she ignores it, for both their sakes.
"I can guess. But it's weird, you know, feeling so much familiarity with someone whose name you don't even remember."
Josie doesn't outright say it, doesn't outright ask for it, but it's there. What's your name?
The girl manages to both smile and grimace while giving her answer.
"Ah, that's understandable. My name is… Hope."
And for Josie, it clicks.
Hope. Of course it's Hope. Hope you have a nice birthday. Hope your birthday wishes come true. H J.
Hope.
Josie feels ecstatic. The final puzzle piece. The missing piece. She's got it now. Not it, Hope. Right in front of her.
Actually, way too close to her.
The girl - Hope Hope Hope - has a confused and yet happy look on her face, and Josie wonders if all her mental connections were said aloud.
Or if she just has a look of wonder on her face and that, along with the fact she pushed herself into Hope's space at the couch, is what brought on the mix of emotions she bore.
Josie doesn't much care, at the moment.
"Hope."
It feels like a prayer. Sounds like one, too.
Josie thinks it's obvious, and that one would have to be a new level of oblivious not to notice.
They're closer than ever before, now. Or at least closer than Josie ever remembers being, which admittedly isn't a lot. Hope doesn't look uncomfortable, though, so Josie thinks this isn't uncommon to them, whatever they are.
It's enough to prompt Josie into action.
She grabs Hope's hands, delicately, almost as if holding crystal, or something else both equally precious and delicate, and there's such a familiar feeling that comes with it, a warmth, a connection.
Josie hasn't felt that way in what feels like forever.
Her body is paralyzed. Their faces are close, and Josie has no idea of who moved so that they would be like so. She'd like to say it wasn't her. She's not so sure about that.
Hope's eyes flash down to her lips, and Josie wonders.
Wonders if Hope will kiss her.
Wonders if Josie will let it.
Her tongue goes out to wet her lips, almost unconsciously, so she'd say that yes. Yes she would.
Actually, Josie is pretty sure she herself could kiss Hope if enough time passed and their lips didn't touch.
Josie never got to test this theory, though. Because of all the people that could wander into the old mill and catch Josie possibly moments away from kissing another girl, that also happens to be a complete stranger - the one who actually did it was the last person that should see such a thing.
"Josie?"
Josie tenses, but not as much as Hope. She also doesn't turn her head or jumps away quite as violently as Hope did.
She's about to ask what's wrong, to Hope or Landon, Josie doesn't know, when the two of them lock eyes.
Landon's immediately widens, with both confusion and a spark of familiarity.
He takes a step forward, towards them, and Josie fights the urge to put herself between him and Hope.
The room is quiet in anticipation. Of what? She doubts any of them truly knows. Except maybe Hope.
The silence is only broken when Landon hesitantly speaks;
"...You?"
Josie is suddenly on defense - or jealous could be a better word. Not of Landon, no, even though he's her actual boyfriend and the one she should be jealous of.
She's jealous of Hope, Josie notices, with no small amount of confusion.
"You know each other?"
Her tone is biting and Landon turns to look at Josie for the first time since he entered the mill.
And isn't that an awfully bad sign?
"I- no? I don't know? I don't think so?"
He's nervous, clearly. It's one of the things Josie usually likes about him - how he's so easy to read - but right now she just finds it annoying.
But maybe she's more annoyed because Hope was still looking at Landon, hasn't stopped since he arrived, almost like she's seeing a ghost. She doesn't answer the question.
She also doesn't have to.
All of you, I mean. You, Lizzie, Landon.
They know each other. Or did, clearly. But to put Landon alongside herself and Lizzie, when they've known each other for years and Landon's only been at school for little more than a year? They must've been close.
Josie frowns. Landon notices, Hope doesn't.
Josie pretends it doesn't hurt, because it shouldn't.
Landon approaches her, none the wiser about Josie's inner thoughts and turmoils. Hope goes from watching solely him to staring at both of them. Josie isn't sure she likes that turn of events.
Especially when Landon pecks her on the lips, and Hope's eyes widen, so much it would be almost comical were it any other circumstances.
Right now, though, as she sees surprise, jealousy, hurt, betrayal and an array of other similar sentiments pass through Hope's eyes…
Josie can't bring herself to feel anything other than grief.