Work Text:
one more thrown into the garden
one more thrown in after that
lead me astray towards the dirt path
what kind of author would let his characters suffer?
why in the world would you know who i am who’s to say that i don’t know who you are; perhaps i don’t know you yet but i know i will when day turns to night.
paper thin marks of trespassed trust scared away the most helpful of supervisors
but i don’t know who you are. and that’s what’s wrong.
who led you to be like this
who led me to be like this
who let you die like this
kings and queens and emperors and czars would’ve never been powerful enough to stand before the both of us while the snakes intertwined and devoured each other into a spectacular supernova that rung 7345876438756438965493785643896549836596894365348 light years across the galaxy
and then erased from the static was you and me and a happy family.
1. you were there in plain snow draining away into a plaguing sewer. a canvas with you painted in whole destruction while i stood back and watched.
2. you were there with a smile, a calm touch of your skin, the light softly reflecting with a sheen across the spanning landscape of sunflower fields and mountains with a sheep by your side.
i dont know how fucked up you need to be in order to call yourself insane
whatever it is, i never want you to feel it.
i just want you to be safe and happy and loved and cared for.
i just want to stop seeing you dressed in blood.
while we go into the garden again you stop me, while im panting, you ask me what i’ve been doing for years on end. i reply with the same thing i always have. you press on; you’re sick of how often i say those exact same words to you over and over and you know what’s in my head and you know that i’m sick and fucked and electrons bursting throughout my seams into a wetness upon my face
im sorry im sorry im not crying i promise im not crying again i promised you and mom and flint that i wouldn’t cry again and that i’m strong enough i dont need to cry anymore and everything’s going to be okay but nothing is going to be okay because i keep seeing your face mutilated and covered in the red crimson sheets of the empire and you beg me to stop crying and showing you these things that never happened and you don’t know why im thinking of you like that and i just cry more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and m
ore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and m
ore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more an
d more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and
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re and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and moreore and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more an(d
more and more and more and)you beg me to stop
more and more and more.)
i look up to your eyes
they’re as green as the leaves and stems all around us
but i catch a glimpse of the red and i scream and lose myself again. you give up on trying to make me stop but you tell me im old enough now to be able to handle this(
i just figure you’re right. i don’t have anything else to say. it becomes awkward and i stray back to where i continued to wallow in my loud loud sounds that everybody yells about me for and they say it’s nothing real, and more and more and more and more)that i’m just going crazy and maybe i’m possessed by some evil spirit that’s making me see things. i walk slowly past the kitchen room table and i go up the stairs. our bed was split years ago and this is entirely my room now. and i sit at this happy box and i pressed record. i speak a little bit, about you, about the end of the world, about the empire, about kumatora and duster. i talk about how all of this means to me. i talk about how i just want somebody to listen. somebody out there who can understand what i’m saying through all of the loud static and crying somebody maybe even in another dimension that could be 5 million trillion bajillion years away from the last single cell of my body existing on earth. through breaking a flower pot and screaming frantically as i type away on this damn keyboard as the audio clips louder than 999999999999 times the volume of sound. amplified across soundwaves interlocking into each other like the dragons of legends i was told about and how they devoured each others’ tails until there was nothing left and oh god there’s blood. the pot.
i cut myself.
again, i think.
i sit back at the recordings. five of them by now, i wanted more. six. eight. twelve. sixteen. twenty i layer them on top of each other. I mix them together in peace, taking in every single possible sound that could result from any combination of any number. And I scream. I scream loudly. I scream louder than anybody can hear. I kick and flail and scream just like when I was little trying to hide from punishment. Perhaps all of this is just a punishment for existing. punishment punishment Lucas how dare you walk on the wooden floor when I just cleaned it up and you’re all muddy from outside Lucas why did you run away when you opened the door to the stables and let all the sheep out Lucas why did you run away when your mother and brother were murdered Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away??? Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run away Lucas why did you run
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i lie there
staring up at the ceiling
im alone today. everyone including you went out for a night out in another town. i stayed home.
the Stars look back down at me, and they say hello to me.
i smile in relief
i knew someone would find me.