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Marinette looked around the room. The entire Justice League (well, minus those that were on a mission) and all of her Miraculous Team were there. It was a celebration. She was so glad Adrien and Alya had insisted on throwing it, despite the Batman’s hesitancy at first. He hadn’t thought it prudent.
It had been one year. One year since they beat Hawkmoth. One year since they joined the Justice League as auxiliary members. One year since they all got their lives back.
It had been quite the ride.
She was so thankful for all of her new friends. They had supported each other in ways she could never have anticipated. It was nice to know someone else had her back. Someone else understood.
Together with the Teen Titans, they had beaten the Twin Queens of the Inner Dimension, Pain and Tears, just a few days ago. It had been a terrible battle. Even with the help of other heroes, they had barely won.
She grabbed a glass of punch from a table, and a chocolate chip cookie for Tikki. She adjusted her fabric mask she had made so they could have the kwami out to enjoy the event as well. And glanced around the room, searching. Adrien and Nino were doing dares, gathering a crowd. Alya, Alix and Wonder Woman were trading stories. The Flash was impressing Kim with his speed, Kim holding on to every word of advice. Everyone was happy. So why wasn’t she?
A group of stragglers came in, and she whipped around in hope. In came Superboy, Beast Boy, Raven and Kid Flash. They looked tired. They must have been on a mission.
“Hey guys! Thanks for joining us!” Marinette said in her most chipper voice as she ran up to greet them.
“No prob, LB,” Kid Flash said. He disappeared in a blur, reappearing at the desserts table.
“Thanks for inviting us!” Beast Boy added cheerfully. He grabbed Raven’s hand and led her over to the drinks. Raven nodded as she went past.
Marinette looked over at Superboy, who hadn’t bothered to move yet. “Are we expecting anyone else?” she asked, expectantly.
He shrugged. “Not sure.”
A crash sounded, and Adrien and Nino let out high-pitched squeals. They were somehow completely drenched in punch, the floor around them soaking wet. Beast Boy was currently in the shape of a duck, quacking loudly at them. A moment later the entire hall broke into laughter. She sighed deeply, wondering vaguely if any of the kwami had been involved so that she and Tikki could just use a lucky charm to get rid of the mess, before banishing the thought from her mind. It wasn’t an appropriate use of her magic.
She looked back at Superboy, who just shrugged. “Looking for someone in particular?” he asked. The smirk on his face showed that he knew exactly who she was looking for.
She blushed and shook her head in denial.
“Okay then,” he said, clearly not believing her. He left and headed for the Young Justice trainers.
A few minutes later, Black Canary headed towards her.
“Hey Ladybug. Why aren’t you joining in?” she asked.
“Oh! I am, I was just…” Marinette attempted to come up with an excuse.
“Looking for someone?” Black Canary interrupted.
Marinette’s arms waived around wildly in denial. “No! No! I was just looking around.”
“It’s okay to miss someone.”
“But they aren’t really missing. I’m just being stupid,” she accidentally said aloud.
“Is it stupid though?”
Marinette paused. Wasn’t it? With all the problems in the world, she was used to ignoring her feelings or minimizing them. Missing someone was nothing compared to other problems.
Black Canary was looking at her. It felt more like she was looking through her.
“I…” Marinette started, but she had no idea what she was going to say.
“If someone else were to have the exact same problem or feeling as you - would you call them stupid?”
“What? No!”
“Then why is yours?”
Marinette faltered.
Black Canary continued. “We often measure our successes and our self-worth against our own internal system of what is acceptable for us. The problem is, we aren’t always using the same measuring stick.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, for example: Someone gets a B on their test? They did great! You got a B on your test? Was it a failure?”
She wasn’t sure what to say. She did set higher standards for herself than others…
“Why are you using a different measuring stick?”
“I… I expect more of myself than I do others?”
“What happens if you pull out the same one that you use with others? Are you still a failure? Is your emotion stupid? Is it not worth others time then? Or is your emotion and thought worth more than you realised?”
Marinette had to think. It was too much. She often put so much on her shoulders. She had so much put on her shoulders. The fate of the world. Her friends. Family. Maintaining grades in school. Commissions.
Marinette tried several times to answer. She opened and closed her mouth.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to answer me. Just think about it.”
“It’s… okay to miss them? Even if I have every reason to be happy right now?”
Black Canary smiled at her.
“I guess… I guess I’m just worried something happened to him. He was supposed to be here… Everyone else is.” She felt herself going into a spiral. Why didn’t Robin show up with everyone else? “What if he’s hurt? What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he hates me now? Oh Kwami! Is he missing? Killed? Maybe they just didn’t want to tell me to ruin the evening?!” Her voice was coming out more panicked by the second.
Black Canary sat her down. “Breathe with me Ladybug. Deep breath in through your nose. Breathe with your diaphragm. Hold…. And out through your mouth…”
They did this a few times until she had calmed down a bit. At least enough to think somewhat rationally again.
“We have a lot of thoughts and worries about our lives. Some are helpful. Some aren’t. When we are anxious, our thoughts tend to spiral towards that catastrophic thinking – like you just did. I"m a failure. It"s not going to end well. He’s died. It"s all my fault.”
She nodded, she had done her fair share of that in the past. Ruined plans with Adrien when she had that crush on him came up glaringly in her memory. She blushed at the thought of how ridiculous it seemed now.
“The truth of the matter is, that some of those thoughts can be helpful - in some situations. Sometimes, we need that in battle. To come up with our backup plans. To prepare for the worst. Other times? That anxiety backfires on us. So when you feel that anxiousness and worry, and it’s preventing you from working, stop and think: is this thought helping me? Is it hurting me or preventing me from succeeding? What purpose is this worry doing for me?”
A lot of Marinette’s worries definitely were not helpful. Many times, they had screwed up her life. As Ladybug, she usually had it together. But as Marinette? She was a mess.
“I like to think of it like a traffic light.”
Marinette’s mind wandered to Robin again and that hideous costume he wore.
“If it"s actually helping you in the situation - if its rational - green light. Go ahead and worry. It is constructive. Is it helping? Is it not? Not sure? Yellow light. Stop and think about what you’re doing and thinking and why. Did you pull out the right measuring stick?”
Black Canary paused to see if Ladybug was still understanding. She looked pensive, so she continued.
“Is it just making you more anxious? Is it stopping you from doing what you need to? Is it making you just feel like crap? Red light. Stop and wonder if you pulled out the right measuring stick. You probably didn’t. How can you reframe your thoughts to something more helpful? Is your thought actually rational?”
It made sense to Marinette. It sounded easy. How did Black Canary make it sound so easy?
“It sounds simple, I know. But it is so hard to actually do. It’ll take time. Practice. Effort.”
How did Black Canary know she was thinking that? Did she read minds now?
Black Canary reached out and patted Marinette’s hand. “You can’t help your feelings, Ladybug. Your feelings are ALWAYS valid. Your thoughts - you have the power within you to change them. Changing them can often help you feel better.”
Marinette wondered if she really could. Her anxiety had crippled her in her attempts to confide to Adrien. She had never succeeded. Her anxiety had always won in the end.
“You have that power in you. It may not always feel like it. It is hard. It can be painful. It can take a long time to even feel like you have the power. It’s not like your magic. It won’t fix itself overnight. It’ll take a lot of work, but you can do it. You may not feel like it now. And that"s okay.”
Black Canary handed her a card. “Call me if you want to chat.”
Her speech left Marinette feeling like she had been run over a truck. Maybe she should talk to someone. Black Canary – Dinah Lance by the name on the card, was a therapist. Marinette’s mental health hadn’t been the best before Hawkmoth. Years of repression had only made it worse. She hadn’t dared to go to anyone and break down in therapy before, but Hawkmoth was gone now. She could finally afford to look after her mental health, just like going to the doctor for her physical health.
She gave a small smile to Dinah. “I will.”
Marinette looked back at the party again. The mess had been cleaned, though Adrien and Nino were still soaked. The party still wasn’t complete without Robin, but it seemed a little brighter now. It was okay to miss him. It was okay to be worried. She didn’t need to let that worry control her life. She could push through. Breathe. He would come when he could.
She went and grabbed another cookie for Tikki and for herself.
Suddenly her world went dark as hands went over her eyes. She flinched and went to automatically flip the person over her shoulder, when she remembered where she was. There was no way anyone here would attack her. She paused with her hand resting on the person’s arm.
“Guess who?” the person whispered.
“Chat Noir?”
“Hah, as if. Try again.”
“King Monkey?”
“I’m hurt you don’t recognize my voice, Pixie. It’s Jason.”
Pixie. Robin called her Pixie. “Jason? I don’t know anyone named Jason…”
She whipped around, and there was Robin. Jason? “Jason Todd,” he whispered in her ear.
He was okay! Thank Kwami he was okay. He had just been late.
But – wait – he had just told her his name! He definitely was not supposed to tell her that. Batman had put a strict limit on him telling people his name. He had told her that before. He would get in trouble!
But instead of worrying, he was standing there, grinning at her.
Then the panic set in. Was he expecting her name in return? Could she do that? He had trusted her with his most precious secret. Likely Batman’s too! They would be connected in real life in some way… it wouldn’t be hard to find him! Oh Kwami, what should she do!?
“It’s okay,” he soothed, his left hand slowly running down her arm. “You don’t need to tell me. I just want you to know me. The real me… if you want to.”
She wanted to…
She couldn’t…. could she?
She looked quickly over at Black Canary. Dinah.
Then she made a decision. She leaned in and whispered, “Marinette.”
His eyes blew wide. He had not been expecting a name. His face softened, and he whispered it back, like it was precious. “Marinette…”
His right hand traced along her jaw and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. Instead of dropping, it stayed there. His other arm was still on her bicep. “Marinette…” he whispered again, like his prayers had been answered. Maybe they had. She felt like hers had.
They were close. So close. His eyes flickered to her lips.
She took one shuddering breath, opened her heart to the possibilities, and closed the gap.