Chapter Text
2004
Isik held the piece of paper between her fingers and checked the number one more time. She looked around and saw the newspaper-covered windows and was sure was at the right address. Sinan hated the sunlight coming through his bedroom window. The memory of him complaining about how she loved to keep the curtains open when they spent the afternoons in Sinan's bed rush for her mind.
Isik loved that view of the river, the light through the window, the doves in the trees nearby. She used to imagine a life with him, usually in that old house, there was so much beauty there. She was never happier than in those days and feared she would never find that kind of feeling again.
Isik ran a hand through her hair and then worked up the courage to knock on the door. Breathe deeply. Just take a deep breath. She didn't know what to say, hadn't thought about it. She just got the address and ran out of the cafe leaving Kamal and Burcu behind. She needed to see Sinan immediately.
He opened the door and smiled in a way that warmed Isik's heart. She threw herself into his arms, squeezing tightly.
"Sinan, I finally found you," she said, enjoying the warmth of his body, feeling his hands on her back.
They break their embrace and then Sinan is facing Isik. She is different. Bulky hair, nose pierced. Silence takes over for a few seconds, Sinan is again the teenager doesn't seem to know the right thing to say. Then he opens his mouth and says the last thing she's been waiting to hear: "I'm making pasta, do you want it?"
She smiles, because, of course. This is Sinan. Isik looks at him and nods. Sinan seems to have gained some weight, he still has some dark lines under his eyes, but they seem to be recent no a result of days and days of self-neglecting as years ago.
"Would you like something to drink?"
"Just water" she replies.
"Make yourself comfortable," he says disappearing down the hall. Isik looks around, there are books and more books piled up, Russian literature, German literature, Turkish classics, and more. On the shelf were music tapes labeled with Sinan's handwriting. She ran her fingers between the objects and tried to imagine Sinan's life. She wanted to touch those things and capture the memory of Sinan's moments. Find out what the last four years were like. He returned with the water and handed Isik a glass.
"You look different," he says.
"Is this good or bad? "
"It's just different, you know. Isik wearing a piercing."
"Yeah, you guys turned me into a rebel."
"I don't think that's true, deep down there was always a rebel inside you. You always fought a lot harder for everything you believed in. Anyway… I like the piercing... not that you need me to like the piercing or... Ok, I'll shut up now"
She smiles at him. Sinan is wearing a hat, glasses, and smiles a little self-consciously as she continues to stare at him unceremoniously.
"You haven't changed a bit, except for the glasses."
"I've changed. I'm not that mess anymore, you know? I'm trying hard to be...." - Isik takes his hand and Sinan stops talking.
"I'm glad you got help, Sinan. Really. But we don't need to talk about the past if you don't want to. Can I help you with the food?"
"Clear"
They go into the small kitchen of Sinan's house and Isik is amused by the fact that he only has two sets of dishes. "I don't get visitors other than Kemal," he explains.
"I'm glad to know you're in each other's lives"
"He helped me a lot, Brucu too. When, well... after all that, I went to him and asked for help. He helped me rent this apartment and I got a job and started college"
They eat while talking. Sinan asks when Isik returned to the country and she says she arrived last week.
"I… I stopped by the house. I don't even know why, I thought maybe I could find a bit of myself there."
"And did you find it?" he asks.
"A little. You haven't been there anymore?"
"Not since that morning. There are too many ghosts out there. I'd rather not face them."
The sadness in Sinan's eyes makes Isik realize it's time to change the subject.
"Tell me about college. Which course do you choose?"
"Literature"
She thinks about how nothing would be as fitting as this. Despite being cynical, Sinan has always been a person deeply connected with feelings. If that hadn't been the case, maybe life would have been easier for him.
"Are you planning to teach?"
"God no. I don't think people like me should be allowed to 'shape the minds of the future," he says with a smile.
"As someone who has been your student for a while, I must say it's a shame, you would be an excellent teacher"
"Was only because it was you," he replies. And Isik thinks about how she would like to just lean towards him and kiss him, but maybe he's with someone or just doesn't think of her in the same way anymore. "I'm writing a book. A novel."
"Sinan, writing a novel? I didn't think you believed in love."
"Not until you change my life. You should know that."
"I didn't change your life, Sinan"
"You did. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Every effort I've made since that day, I've made thinking of you. Thinking of the promise I made to you. The promise to be the kind of person who deserves someone like you."
"And you found it? You know, is there someone in your life?"
"No. You see, when I made that promise I didn't know that there's no one else like you in the world"
Her heart beats faster and her hands rang. She still loves him, she knows that, but Isik spent a lot of time asking herself if Sinan ever felt the same way. Isik bites his lip and thinks about what to say next.
"I did architecture" is the best she can say. Looking at him makes her inebriated.
"I know."
"Do you know?"
"Yeah. I visited your mom once. I thought maybe you were home for the holidays."
"When was that?"
"Last year."
"She never told me"
"Don't be mad with her, I asked her not to tell you. Your mother was very nice, actually. She offered me milk and cookies, showed me pictures of you, and postcards you sent her from places you visited. And she even gave me your address and I tried to write something but I didn't have the courage to send it"
"I would have loved to have heard from you. From any one of you, you've all disappeared. Do you have news about anyone?"
"Only from Kerem, that summer he sent me a note, left it with Kamal, it was a card from a psychologist friend of his family and on the back, he had written 'just stay alive, the world wouldn't be the same without you"
Isik thinks how kind that gesture was. Kerem, the boy who resolved everything out with his fists, had saved Sinan's life. She would love him forever for it, even if they never saw each other again. He did what she couldn't.
"What about you? Have you had any news?"
"No. I know Eda left for the States after all, but that's is pretty much it." Isik looked out the window and saw that it was already dark. She promised her mother that would be home in time for dinner, so she told Sinan that she needed to go. "It's getting late"
"I don't want you to go," He says holding her hand. "I know I have no right to ask for this considering all the times I've tried to push you away, but...please stay, Isik"