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Dear Jedi Council,
Absolutely be mad if you want, it’s no skin off my nose.
I know Captain Rex wrote to all of you updating you on the Krell situation instead of first taking a nap like we told him to. As a result we sedated him long enough that he will probably think he’s in a new century when he wakes up. Which is perfect for me because he can’t tell me not to do this. I love it when my brilliant plans work so well.
Anyway, getting to the matter at hand, the boys and I have been talking and we think you need to start vetting your Jedi. Like, I don’t know what your usually success rate is, but kidnapping children and then expecting them to not be evil later on is obviously not a super viable strategy anymore.
General Skywalker told us that Dooku used to be a Jedi and I literally saw him twirling his mustache evilly the other day. And don’t even get me started on General “Oh I’m Sure The Insanely High Casualty Rate Is Nothing To Worry About” Krell. Respectfully, you guys fucked up pretty hard on that one. I would be laughing if I didn’t almost die a dozen times (I’m still laughing a little bit. Fives says I need therapy).
I’m thinking maybe there must be something internally wrong with the Jedi structure if it’s so easy to go evil so I have a couple suggestions:
- Maybe get some ice cream socials going on up in there. It’s much harder to turn evil when you know doing so will cause you to miss ice cream socials.
- Maybe let people fuck sometimes? I mean non-secretively obviously. Because most of you seem to be in a secret relationship and I’m not sure that’s working out for everyone. General Skywalker sure seems to still be a little unhinged despite his thing with Padme. (Jesse is glaring at me like I shouldn’t leave that in. I wasn’t going to leave it in and then he started glaring. So in it goes)
- This one may be a stretch but, I don’t know just spitballing here, maybe you should actually check up on Jedi and make sure they’re not secretly evil or, and just making up a random example, have a thing against clones so they make sure as many as possible get killed on their missions? Dumb asses.
If you need help getting any of these things started I am always available. At a price. I’m thinking my own personal quarters on the ship with my own refresher and maybe a snack bar? Oops I’m getting glared at again. Disregard that I definitely don’t need that (We can talk more in private) (THAT WAS A JOKE!) (it was not a joke).
ANYWAY! As long as you all make a concerted effort to remedy some of these situations we can put this whole thing behind us and pretend like it never happened. You know, other than when we dream about it in our nightmares.
Oh also, Echo is telling me that if things don’t get better we’re going to threaten to unionize. I don’t personally know what that means, but I’m sure it will be annoying for everyone involved so maybe just fix your shit.
Alright. That seems like everything to me. Multiple people have tried to steal this out of my hands in the last ten minutes so this seems like a good place to stop. Here’s to ignoring the consequences of my actions.
Sincerely,
Hardcase, 501st Clone Battalion. But you knew that already. So it’s kind of redundant to write it here. Sign offs are so weird.